Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Imagine being loved by everyone and still feeling empty inside.

You were friends with everyone, knew everyone, and were loved by everyone, but you were never truly seen by everyone.

Like you were staring at your life through a foggy glass window that you’ve never been given a chance to break, and no one tried to break it for you.

That was how Kai Smith felt every day after he’d turned six.

Before then, his life was filled with love.

He’d play with his sister, whom he’d forgotten, he’d sing lullabies with his mother, who was only a voice in his mind, and he’d help kids with no voice with their homework and protect them from bullies.

And now he was the bully he tried so hard to protect others from.

Because there used to be love.

There used to be love, yelling, crying, and now there was divorce.

His parents love, his parents yelling, his sisters crying, and then half of his world left, leaving him with an empty hole in the world he’d filled with pretending.

Names, sounds, appearances; they all faded into one big, dark hole that kept growing when someone left.

One that he could never fix if he tried.

So he tried to pretend.

So everyone would like him because he was as they wanted him to be, and no one would leave.

It became a habit, pretending.

Pretending he was fine. Pretending that he was okay with bullying kids to the point they wanted to kill themselves just so that he’d find more people who’d say and fill the empty hole inside. Pretending that the only reason he was doing this wasn’t that he knew that his father would leave him if he didn’t. Pretending that feeling like he was dragging himself through glass would fill the people-shaped hole in his world.

But it never did. God, he prayed every day that it did, but it never did.

Because the world was now smaller than the hole, the house had become an apartment, and the apartment only had two people instead of four. And now his world was too small to fix the hole that had been left in his universe on December 5th.

His birthday.

Happy birthday to him.

Chapter Text

“Kai Smith! You are to report to the office right this instant!”

Kai dropped the kid he’d been holding up against the lockers, rolling his eyes with a groan.

Like he was annoyed, because Kai Smith was annoyed. Kai was not. He deserved it, to be honest, he was being a prick after all.

He’d been walking to his next class, talking to Brady Hepman about the new plays the coach issued yesterday, when a kid walked right into him, books flying and all.

The poor thing immediately apologized, scrambling to pick up everything he’d dropped.

His red hair was a frizzy mess, his hands covered in some mystery grease; he seemed almost like a delinquent, but his eyes, those pretty ones that were always sparkling, seemed sincere.

And showed nothing in them that seemed delinquent.

The grease had gotten on his red letterman jacket, but he couldn’t bring himself to care as he should’ve.

He was focused on dimming down the red in his cheeks he knew was present, and was just insanely worried for the boy because Kai was as firm as a brick wall.

Please be okay,

The boy looked up, eyes a beautiful sapphire blue, except they carried fear in them, widening as if he’d been caged with a bear.

It made Kai’s stomach twist in a knot because, in a sense, he had. The bear was Kai’s entire mask.

Suddenly, the recognition clicked.

Oh, he’d seen him before in math class.

Jay Walker, was it?

He scrambled up, gripping his textbooks to the point his knuckles turned white.

The rest of the pricks, his so-called friends, were laughing behind, like it was funny that the kid had fallen.

“How pathetic!”
“He’s gonna cry, isn’t he?”
“Build a bridge and get over it, twink!”

It wasn’t.

But if he didn’t laugh, if he didn’t seem like a monster, people would leave. And he didn’t want anyone else to leave him.

So he laughed, grabbed the boy by his shirt collar and pushed him up against the lockers, saying that if he ever did it again, they would have a problem.

He felt guilt rising like bile in his throat the entire time.

And now here he was, casually walking down the hallway with the “annoying” art teacher, Mrs. Payton, to the office.

Mrs. Payton wasn’t annoying at all; if anything, Kai really enjoyed her calm presence and liberal, insistent personality. But Kai Smith didn’t.

So he couldn’t.

She opened the dark oak door, pointing for him to sit on the cold metal chair next to the Smarties he was never allowed to have.

The office was painted a dull white, furniture sleek and modern, with two doors leading to either the principal's or vice-principal's office.
It wasn’t new to him; he wasn’t a first-time offender. And he hated that he wasn’t. Because he wanted to be a good kid, a nice kid, one with real friends like Skylar Chen and Cole Brookstone, but his dad liked it when he got in trouble because that meant he was ruthless and manly in a way Kai hated.

Kai hated getting in trouble, but his dad had been happy for months now, and he couldn’t break the streak.

Not if he wanted to starve in the basement for a week again.

He’d been here so many times, you could blindfold him and turn the lights off, and Kai’d still find his way around.

He waved hello to the secretary at the desk, Ms. Mellroy, a woman in her late fifties with thick brown hair and a pearl necklace she’d told him her mother had given her.

“Hello, Kai,” She popped a toffee into her mouth, smiling. “Causing trouble again, I see?” Her voice was filled with warmth, the type he hadn’t heard of since he was six.

It was almost as if she cared.

He ignored the flutter in his chest, instead opting for his signature smile and cheesy finger guns.

“You know it, Ms. Mel!”

God, if the team had seen that…

Sitting down on the grey metal chair, Kai closed his eyes and leaned his head back. This was the only place in the school where he could breathe, even then, only until Ms. Gonzeles chewed him off.

Taking a deep breath, Kai rubbed at his eyes.

He hadn’t slept in god knows how many days. His father had been drinking again, probably because the date he and his mom had separated was coming up, which was also his birthday. But he hadn’t celebrated it since the day his mom left, and the cake he’d made with his sister had burnt in the oven.

It’s not like it mattered anyway; it was just the day to mark another year of barely surviving.

“Kai.”

Kai blinked his eyes open. Ms. Gonzeles was standing against the door, her thick brows raised like she was unimpressed but expectant all the same.

“Again?”

“He ran into me,”

“What did I say about the next time you came in here?”

What had she said?

…

A memory made itself known in a sudden burst of pain behind his eyes.

Oh. Oh hell no.

Last time he had paid a visit to Ms. Gonzeles’ office which had been two days ago, after he threw food at Brady Holloway for a dare. She’d told him something,

Something very important.

He had been sitting in the cushioned seat with the red armrests in the corner of her office, with a headache pounding against his temple.

His father had yelled in his ear that day about getting a 95 on his math test, and the annoying throbbing in his head hadn’t stopped since.

If only it weren’t the day he had to do his pitch test for music.

(He’d gotten a 92 on that. It earned another yelling.)

“Kai, this is your last warning,” She scolded, stapling blank pages together like it was the last thing holding her back from yelling. “Otherwise, I will have to enroll you for volunteering unless you want to get expelled.”

And Kai, being the idiot he was, paid her no mind.

Oh shit.

Oh shit shit shit shit shit.

Kai’s eyes grew wide, nails digging into where they were placed on his thighs. But he kept the mask from slipping, an eyeroll masking the way he was absolutely panicking inside.

He scoffed. “I’d rather be expelled.”

Ms. Gonzeles sighed, motioning for Kai to come into her office. Her tanned face was covered in worry lines no woman should have when she’s in her early thirties.

Weird.

Kai’s eyebrows pinched together as he got up and made his way down the marble floor. Why did she seem so sad?

She waited for him to sit down in his usual chair in the corner before shutting the door, letting out a breath.

Ms. Gonzeles crossed her hands over her lap, eyes filled with what seemed like guilt.

“It’s not really easy for me to say this, but it has been brought to my attention that your home life is not the greatest.”

Kai’s heart leapt in his throat.

What.

No. No. How the hell did she know?

He’d kept this secret hidden for years, a decade and a half. Why on earth did the shell have to crack now? Just two months before he could legally escape?

More importantly, how did she figure it out?

He’d smiled all the time, become the monster his dad wanted him to be, so how?

This wasn’t right. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

Sensing his reluctance to meet her eyes, Ms. Gonzeles continued–

“I, as a person, not as a staff, believe that it would be better for you if you went on this cleansing volunteering in Ninjago City with another group of troubled boys because, Kai,” He lifted his eyes to meet hers, pupils dilated. “I don’t think you’re the monster everyone sees you as, and I know you deserve to have a choice in proving them right or not,”

His lips quivered, breathing hitching and turning dangerously shallow.

No.

He could not be one of the troubled kids.

Troubled kids had no social status, troubled kids made everyone leave, troubled kids didn’t have a dad who yelled at them and forced them to not eat for a week just because they’d try to express their own opinion.

The room warped, everything around him turning disoriented and loud.

He couldn’t breathe; air. Where the hell was the air?

Kai tried to breathe through his nose, but he just got the sting of air freshener tickling the hair, and his eyes began to water.

When had everything gotten so blurry?

He heard a voice trying to talk to them, but he just wanted everything to shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP-

A hand was warm on top of his.

His breath hitched, gaze wandering upwards to see Mz. Gonzeles was next to him, saying something he couldn’t quite catch.

What was she saying?

“-eath-”

Eat?

“Bre-”

Breeze?

“Breathe.”

Kai took in a stuttering breath, hand squeezing the older woman’s hand in an attempt to find a pulse point.

She placed his finger right above it, eyes glistening with clouded pride.

Kai pressed the appendage gently against the place where he could feel her heartbeat the loudest, his free hand digging into the soft fabric of the armrest.

He could feel how slow and calm it was compared to his.

“That’s right, Kai, in and out. Do it with me, okay?”

He nodded, brows furrowing in concentration as he tried to match her breaths.

He could do that.

He would do anything to stop crying like a baby.

He was a grown man for shits sake.

“In one, two, three,”

“Out one, two, three.”

In one, two, three

Out one, two, three.

“Good job, Kai,”
“You’re doing so well,”
“Thank you for breathing with me.”

Suddenly, air filled his lungs again.

His vision was a bit blurry, but good enough to see that Ms. Gonzellas was kneeling beside him, smiling softly as Kai slipped his hands off of hers, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

The older woman stood up, brushing dust off her pants before turning to Kai, hands on her hips.

Her face was soft, watching Kai with something close to motherly.

But how would he know?

Kai sighed, leaning back in his chair as he tried to will his heartbeat back to normal.

He didn’t like the idea of a volunteering camp, if not hated it. And Ms. Gonzeles seemed to sense that.

She sighed, disappointment playing in her features as she fixed the papers he’d messed up during his panic. “Just, please,” She looked directly at him. “Think about it, at least for a week.”

Kai stared at his hands, eyes filled with something close to disbelief.

He nodded, something small and not at all convincing, but Ms. Gonzeles didn’t say anything when he grabbed his bag and ran out of the office like a man on fire, desperately wanting to leave before she could say anything more.

He was done for.

He was absolutely done for.

She’d seen him. The real him.

And he couldn't say anything to defend himself because he'd felt as if he'd been factory reset.

Mask erased, feelings spilling out of their perfectly built cages.

He couldn't afford to let that happen.