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This is the first time I’ve heard you say that.
A dry laugh, footsteps receding along the pier until they became gas and friction of ropes. Cracked cries among the inconsolable plains of the children under his command. His feet merged with the ground; the idea of moving and continuing with his mission would make the loss of his soulmate real. There was always something more important, but just for a moment he wanted to listen to his pain and let it go as soon as it began to suffocate him. The tingling in his fist seemed to know what had just happened, adjusting to that touch he had given and would never have again.
The cloud of his memories won out on this occasion, and he wanted him inert in the time of his greatest distress. Although the cold iron of his irises pointed toward the garden fence, in his new reality, he needed a jolt to come to his senses.
“Birthday nostalgia?” Hannes joked as he approached with a beer, bringing him back. “I have to leave early, so I won't be able to be here for your birthday at midnight.”
“That's okay, I don't like it anyway,” Levi confessed, taking a long drink from his bottle. “Are you meeting up with the Yeagers?”
Hannes nodded. “Yeah, they're throwing a party with Mikasa's family and Armin's. That makes up for this adult party they weren't invited to.”
They shared a short laugh, although Levi didn't quite connect, that was clear. The agony lingered in his body, and like every loop of memories, the feeling would last for several days until his own work overwhelmed him enough to forget that someone else like him ever even existed. Among all the scenarios fighting for a little attention in his head, it always ended up being that one hammering his chest. The streak of loss after loss, starting with his mother's, culminated there with the death of his commander.
“Hange invited everyone over tomorrow for dinner for my birthday, so we'll see each other anyway.”
It was 2025, a vast span of centuries after that tape played in vibrant colors. Fate somehow let him know it was his destiny to meet every person he had sacrificed himself for back then. His friends, his superiors, his protégés, and his enemies. Those he hadn't named until he heard them again for the first time.
“You love those kids, don't you?”
“Mikasa is my cousin, the others are just extras.”
Hannes shook his head and let out an incredulous laugh.
Saying yes would’ve been easier, but Levi Ackerman never talked about his feelings. Never. Even when he was no longer torn apart by war and his childhood had not been so tragic. His friends were alive, his hands were clean, but his mind was still troubled.
Ignorance was bliss; his life before receiving that flash of insight had been bliss. Those seconds before turning fifteen, before his mind was clouded with memories he didn't have before and anguish became a daily ghost. He could be having his best day in months, but suddenly the distant loss would overwhelm him and return him to the flying boat with soul in hand, wishing it were all a dream, longing for her to be watching over them from beyond, and with great regret for having held back his feelings in words he never knew how to articulate. Duty came first, didn't it?
It was a disease. Having a memory, being aware of life itself, even when his students were asking useless questions and he wanted to laugh inside, the mourning was greater. He never told anyone; it was useless. His mood was already complicated enough; if others found out he was crazy, they would end up locking him in a cage.
Noticing Hannes' departure, he traced the route with his eyes to the garden of his house and then to the blond man's old car, in which he was about to leave. Levi followed him for another couple of blocks until he lost sight of him at a right turn. He let out a heavy sigh and continued with his beer. It wasn't to his particular taste, but burning his throat to feel something was better than nothing.
Those dates were a pain in the ass. He didn't want to be overly dark and end up ruining holidays for his loved ones, but the mess in his head wouldn't let him reason out the fact that war was over and he had the right to rest, to be happy. Not after so many years of dealing with those scenarios in his head that, at the end of the day, seemed like just another symptom of schizophrenia. The concept of celebrating his birthday was bitter, despite having many things to be grateful for and many others that he hoped to preserve year after year. He just couldn't move forward.
“It's almost midnight,” she said over his shoulder, startling him. Hange smiled victoriously, having fulfilled her whim of scaring him.
And then there was her, his new coworker. He had known her for seven months and yes, of course he knew exactly who she was. The mad scientist who had mutated years later into an elementary school biology teacher. She wasn't a copy or a carbon impression, simply the perfect reincarnation of that loud and brilliant presence that had arrived very late in his life. Twice.
The first few days, he was unable to look her in the eye. The mere sight of her numbed Levi's fingers and twisted his stomach like a bitter evacuation alert, the heterochromia of her irises digging guilt into his chest. Not even could she save herself from the dirty tricks of fate that somehow reminded her of the end she had, but at least, at least, it wasn't in her memory.
Hange was always cheerful, incredibly kind, and seemed to have a gift of infinite energy, and that never died. She was once again the person they lost when their blond friend left, with that smile he never thought to see again and the warmth of someone who was willing to go on for a hundred more lives. A free spirit as he knew her, unlike him, who couldn't tolerate another skin after this one.
“And then it will be one in the morning,” he replied indifferently after surreptitiously assuring that she’d join him on the other beam of the porch. Then his gaze continued to stare at the horizon, at the nearby moon that stood out amid the streets and the clear sky.
When he met her months later, he gradually broke out of his bubble and chose kindness. Especially because he didn't want to repeat the hurtful patterns of when they met as soldiers. It saddened him the idea of making her feel insignificant because of her unusual features or rejecting her kindness when it was her social nature. Hange might not remember, but Levi knew each of her particular characteristics and wanted to be a better person this time around, not take their reunion for granted, believing that life would be kind to them.
“Don't you like your birthday?” the brunette asked cautiously, then drank from her glass of wine. It was the fourth of the night, but it seemed to be her first sip as Hange looked untouched.
Levi took one last sip of his beer, put the bottle on the floor, and turned with his arms crossed. “I don't like celebrations, they're overwhelming,” an explanation that seemed cliché to him, so it didn't raise the eyebrows of those who heard it, it just seemed like an extra piece that fit.
She nodded thoughtfully, a small smile playing on her lips pressed against the rim of her glass. “Then why do you agree to them?”
“I appreciate my friends and the people who care about me. If I can give them a good time, even if it’s in my name, I can’t refuse,” he confessed so naturally that he wasn’t aware of that truth until it came out of his own mouth. It was also new for him to connect with that inner fiber that revealed himself as someone truly thoughtful and caring when others passed his bitter filter.
“Thanks for inviting me, I didn't think you considered me your friend,” Hange teased playfully. She approached the porch stairs and sat down with her legs stretched out. Levi followed her without hesitation, just like in the old days, taking up space on the freshly painted wood in a closeness that could only be explained as two people who had known each other all their lives.
“You're clingy, I can't lose sight of you because you always appear around every corner.”
A loud laugh burst from her; too loud to attract the attention of those inside the house, too adorable for Levi to complain about. “That's true.”
They both fell silent, their eyes fixed on the clear sky. The blue that painted it was simply beautiful, and the stars that adorned it were a perfect distraction to count or look for incoherent figures when connecting them. Just what the two of them needed. Silence was a marked characteristic in Levi, while in Hange it was a rather unusual trait. She talked, he listened. But at that moment, the two were silent, their inner voices louder than usual.
Levi kept thinking about that distant laughter, the footsteps on wood, their desperate cries.
Hange, on the other hand, thought about that fist on her chest making an eternal promise. The face she was unable to see in the last goodbye, the flames that burned her skin, and how they became real with enough concentration.
Her case was mirror-image: at fifteen. She was so obsessed with science that when she brought up the idea of time travel, they branded her insane. So if she ever intended to tell anyone about the reason behind her multidimensional hobby, it had died right there, with those external judgments.
She took notes, drew the faces in her memories as best she could, and searched quantum physics books for explanations to what amazed her knowledge. They might have been simple hallucinations, she believed years later when she gave up and learned to live with that mess in her head. She finished college, taught at several schools, and met some friends who, by mere coincidence, resembled those in her head.
But then she started to believe again.
Seven months earlier, when she arrived as a replacement for another teacher at the city's public school; that's where she saw him. The high school algebra teacher. It was him, without a doubt. The perfectionist and fussy character, his empty gaze that only she could read through vague sparkles, the caution with which he protected himself from new people, the unique affection he expressed for those mischievous children. Her best friend, her life partner.
“Did you always want to be a teacher?” Hange broke the ice.
Although it seemed like a trick question, Levi felt too comfortable there to doubt another one of her tricks. “Actually, I liked the idea of studying civil engineering better, but during school, to earn a little money during vacation, I tutored my classmates and their siblings. That’s where I found my passion. I discovered I was good at it, so I chose that,” he shrugged. He turned his face toward his colleague. “You? It seems like science has always been your thing, you're very smart.”
Perhaps it was his poor attempt to find in her the shadow of his old friend, or perhaps he harbored the ridiculous illusion that if he explored the territory enough, he could finally tell someone what he'd been holding inside for years.
“Science is my thing,” she acknowledged with a proud smile. “I'm not so sure about teaching, but... I feel that in this life, the ones I've lived and will live, I will always be at the disposal of science,” an expression of nostalgia painted her tanned features after her gaze wandered to the childlike movement of her legs.
Levi's heart skipped a beat. Lives. Past, future. The current one. The one in which they had magnificently managed to meet each other after decades, perhaps it was the first time they had met and that was why it was in that life that their memories had finally landed.
He was a skeptical and precise man, he didn't believe in that stuff about life after death, or spiritual bullshit, and he knew that a person of science like Hange wouldn't either. But if this was his chance, his opportunity to get the images out of his head and find peace, why not make a fool of himself for one night? Try and fail was his motto in life, and he could always change his job if the embarrassment was too much.
“What do you mean by lives?” he asked without giving himself away, looking for clues in Hange's distracted expression. “Do you believe in that stuff?”
She let out a low, uneasy laugh. “What scientists don't tell you is that sometimes we believe in things that science denies because we don't know how to explain them. Miracles, apparitions, psychophony... different lives.”
Levi clicked his tongue in disappointment, but when he wanted to speak, Hange spoke again.
“Do you usually have nightmares?” she asked curiously.
That was when he laughed. Irony covering his pure bitterness. “More than I'd like to ... You?”
“Same,” Hange whispered. “Can you keep secrets?” Finally, her hybrid irises met those of the birthday boy. Their eyes hid explosives ready to detonate with the right spark. They were so close and yet so far from each other, and they didn't even know how much.
“I'll try,” Levi joked, although no smile disturbed his expression or reached his eyes. It was just his nervousness on the defensive. He also had it on the tip of his tongue.
The science teacher cleared her throat and looked away for a couple of seconds before meeting the blue eyes that eagerly awaited her. “My nightmares feel real, like lucid dreams... Science says that your dreams are manifestations of the subconscious, but...” She hesitated, her lower lip between her teeth. She was already there and had just opened her big mouth, so there was no turning back. “Why would my subconscious be thinking about war? There are no veterans in my family, and I never went to camp as a child. It may be funny, you can laugh, but I'm trying to rule out every possibility of why this is happening to me... and—”
“Can you keep a secret?” Levi interrupted, beginning to show signs of agitation. He repeated her question because his head needed to organize everything else.
Hange fell silent and her eyes widened slightly in surprise. She was breathless, but there was no danger nearby. She was just telling her most important secret to someone who seemed like a walking tomb. “Of course...”
“I think I'm going crazy,” was the first thing that came out of him after being unable to properly express his ideas. Hange intended to intervene, but Levi continued talking. “Would you believe me if I told you that I'm going through exactly the same thing? For years, in fact.”
The tenderness in Hange's eyes met torture in Levi's. The tension in her shoulders eased, and she was able to exhale the breath she had been holding for the last few minutes. The necessary spark, instead of exploding, slowly connected the pieces of the puzzle. Hange took Levi's hand in hers and sought privacy in the new closeness she had established between them. No one else could know this; it was their new secret, even if several truths were still missing.
“Do you want to tell me?” she asked, encouraging him despite her own gloomy mood.
For a few moments, Levi froze in place. His heart was racing, a familiar feeling from the few memories he enjoyed repeating. That confession beat stronger than the truth of his “nightmares,” yet taking it for granted would perhaps ruin not only the moment, but also the comfort they had both found there.
“It’s a wharf, it seems to be the end of the world … literally. The person in charge, the commander, decides to sacrifice herself to buy time. The commander dies and I can’t do anything, no one can … but for me it’s different. I feel like I'm losing my other half."
His eyes suddenly blurred, his throat craved a little water, and his voice broke for the first time. To his surprise, when he broke free from Hange's grip to wipe his face, he heard a soft sob, and there she was, moved. But no. It was something else.
“I’m flying while I burn,” she begins, because she doesn’t want to waste any time. “Minutes before, my best friend says three words to me that are too funny coming from him. I can’t bring myself to look at his face, because I know that if I do… I’ll stay there with him, with them… on the wharf, and at that moment there is something more important than the people we love.”
It was her. It was him.
Two halves made one again.
The spark exploded, and the expression that washed over Levi could not be described in simple words. It was a transcendental feeling that had just completed him after years of feeling that something was missing inside.
His lips trembled in a sign of imminent tears, but before allowing the tears to mark his cheeks with happiness, he threw himself into Hange's arms. He buried his face in the scientist's neck, and there, two thousand years later, it seemed as if they were back at the pier. It was a different setting; it was the day after the end of the world, and no one had died. Feelings had a place, and regret slipped out the back door.
Hange returned the embrace as quickly as it was offered, resting one of her hands on Levi's head in a way to hold him and leaving a small kiss right there. Her face was not exempt from getting wet with the relief of finally ending that suffocating loop, because she had finally found her person.
“I'm sorry,” he whispered.
Hange held him tighter, a reflex to keep him from breaking.
The last time she held him like this, the rain was drowning them and it seemed like he wouldn't survive, but in the end he did, because the captain was humanity's strongest soldier.
“We're here again,” Hange said calmly. “There's nothing to be sorry about.”
It was almost a minute of silence where their embrace was the only thing that existed, listening to each other's breathing and being sheltered by each other's warmth. It wasn't a dream for the first time in centuries. Levi no longer fantasized about rebuilding a ruined town alongside the person who had successfully led them to the end of the war. Now he only had to worry about keeping the biology teacher by his side and making the most of the time they had been given.
When they separated, they both wiped their own faces and, meeting each other's gaze, laughed embarrassedly. Levi glanced at the watch on his wrist; it was ten minutes to twelve.
“If fate decides that tomorrow we no longer exist, I need to tell you something first,” his voice was stern and somewhat agitated. It was his only chance to mend his own broken heart, to allow his feelings to flow with the wind and not just in the echoes of his mind.
“Levi, no ...”
“Hange, if something happened to us tomorrow and I missed my chance, I could never forgive myself. You're here, let me do this ... please,” at that moment, it was he who took Hange's hand in his.
“... All right.”
The captain closed his eyes for a moment and brought to that moment all the feelings his former self had decided to silence in the name of humanity. He needed to remember every detail of their friendship, their unusual relationship after the death of the other commander, every word he didn't say and every caress he refrained from giving. He never saw as clearly as he did at that moment, and when he looked up, he found the reason for his courage.
“You are an incredible leader, even if they challenge you and keep mentioning him at every meeting. You are strong and more capable than you thought you could be as a commander. The situation makes us seem at a disadvantage, but the future never looked brighter until you became our leader. Where there was once death, I can only see failures and new attempts; and that is more than the Corps ever had."
His crystal-clear eyes turned toward the interior of the house, where the warm light separated them from the momentary uncertainty. On the contrary, Hange couldn't take her eyes off him, surprised and frozen with every word that was spoken in her direction. She never realized how much she needed to hear those words coming from Levi until they began to fill the silence between them.
“I wish I had been braver,” he continued. “I wish I had let you know how much I wanted to grow old with you, with words and not just ambiguous signals,” his eyes returned to Hange. Even though they had found each other again, the regret was still palpable in Levi's expressions. “If only I had been a little selfish and taken advantage of the comfort you gave me when we were alone... Even if one of us had died prematurely, the cards would've been on the table, and you would know how much I loved you, Hange. I had to run away with you that night, and if the world ended, at least it would’ve been with us together.”
It was done.
She sniffed and put her other hand on the one linked with Levi's, smiling as tears filled her eyes. “I think you took a little too long to tell me that,” she joked, her voice managing to take on a livelier tone. Her colleague was quick to let out a short laugh, the kind only she could elicit from him to lighten the tension. They were intact.
“A few lifetimes,” he added, trying to match the teacher's humor. His hands found a way to intertwine their fingers.
“Would you believe me if I confessed that I always liked you?” After pressing her lips together, Hange lowered her head, her gaze fixed on the intimate clasp of their hands.
Levi narrowed his eyes in doubt. There was not the slightest chance that anything could ruin the mood or the moment they were sharing, but the doubt had just been planted. “That's impossible.”
Hange laughed mockingly. “If I gave you the details of how you dazzled me, you'd need some space,” the sparkle in her almond-shaped eyes softened Levi, and another silly laugh burst out of him. “But you have to know... that I also regret not running away with you. Knowing how things turned out, the sacrifice was the best decision, but as I walked away from you, all I could think about were the things I didn't tell you, what I was unable to show you.”
Their hands clenched, as if they were about to be separated again.
“You were always more than a friend to me,” she continued. “But if we took the initiative, they would use it against us, and you, Levi ... you are so precious to me, untouchable. I couldn't let them ruin that.” She swallowed hard as her voice turned into a firm statement. “Every time we took two steps forward, the warning looks made me take four steps back. I'd rather be their target for being a bad leader than make you part of a mockery you didn't deserve.”
The long, uncomfortable meetings suddenly hit Levi's memory. The injustice every time they pronounced her name condescendingly and how she asked him with a squeeze under the table not to snap back, it wasn't worth it. All roads led to the same pit where, for being brave with their feelings, the fruit of their confession was resentment. Perhaps considering making their own desires real would only have led them to a worse end.
“The countdown is about to begin!” Erwin shouted inside the house, his frown quickly changing when he noticed Levi and Hange's intertwined hands.
Levi gave him a signal to let them know they were about to go in, and he left them alone for a moment.
“Let's go,” he said, getting up first and offering his hand to help the teacher to her feet.
They both made their way inside the house, exchanging intimate glances to check on each other's well-being with every step they took, but then Levi decided that maybe he could be a little selfish... just like he wanted to be before. There at the entrance, he took Hange by the sleeve of her sweater and stopped her. The blue of his iris searched the top of the doorframe to make sure the two green leaves were still hanging there.
“Is something wrong?” asked Hange.
Levi clicked his tongue and brought his hand to the back of his neck, unable to hide the anxious tingling that ran through his entire body. “I want to ask you something, and you can say no, but you can't make fun of me.”
Hange smiled adoringly, recognizing how Levi still constantly struggled with his feelings or even saying aloud when he wanted something harmless. Memories of him wanting a little more bread at dinner without saying so explicitly, the midnight walks when he wanted to stay out a little longer.
“It's not that you owe me anything...” he said, still embarrassed. “But it's my birthday, and I want to use it as a bargaining chip for a gift.”
“And what is that?” Hange's furrowed brow didn't match her nervous laughter, which painted an incredulous and confused look on her face.
After a couple of seconds of reflection, he clicked his tongue again, dismissing any doubts. “A kiss.”
Her mouth went dry at the unexpectedness of his request. Hange soon realized that the heat climbing her cheeks was being shared in the sweet blush on Levi's face.
She looked around and smiled at the comforting image of a quiet neighborhood with colorful, illuminated houses, instead of a poor village surrounded by high walls without being able to feel the sun properly. She looked inside, where her friends were laughing loudly with a large banquet behind them. Then she looked up at the doorframe to make sure the mistletoe Mike had put there that afternoon was still in place. The last stop for her eyes was her soulmate, with the tender blush on his cheeks and the particular sparkle she missed so much in his cold blue eyes.
Inside the house, everyone began counting down from ten to one.
Hange leaned down to cradle Levi's face in her hands, and he, stretching his neck in search of a comfortable position for both of them, placed his hands on hers. Their lips touched timidly, tasting what had been forbidden to them. First they brushed against each other, then they fit together perfectly in a sweet, moist rhythm that only made real what until a few minutes ago had seemed like just another illusion.
“Merry Christmas!” everyone shouted in the background, unable to hide their curious glances at the scene at the main entrance.
“Happy birthday,” Hange whispered, then gave him a short kiss on the lips.
The heat seemed to have escalated, but he thought it was just nerves making him blush, so it was okay. However, before he could thank her for making his wish come true, a thinner hand pulled him by his leather jacket.
“Sorry to interrupt you lovebirds, but dinner is served,” Kuchel dragged Levi by the sleeve into the hallway that would eventually lead them to the dining room. “And we have to cut the birthday boy's cake!”
Everyone, including Hange, cheered in unison, followed by teasing laughter at the big mama's boy that Levi was. There, sitting next to each other, they were able to look around and end up once again in each other's eyes. That was the good one.