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Sophia smiled, the happiness of her and Manon’s honeymoon still remaining.
It probably will remain for the rest of her life.
As much as she loves her wife,
“I swear that one day, I’ll marry you.”
she couldn’t help but rage bait her- singing “I’m the shiiiiaatt!” obnoxiously for what must’ve been the 12th time.
She composed herself, looking at Manon- lips white as they press against eachother, using her best efforts not to laugh.
Manon sighed.
“Babe, if you want to listen to Gnarly that bad- then play it.”
“What? Ew no, I don’t wanna play it.” Sophia shot back, feigning innocence.
“Then why do you keep singing it?” Manon asked incredulously.
“I… have absolutely no idea.” she replied honestly.
“You sure?” she whispered, averting her gaze somewhere else.
“I promise.”
She decided that she needed to get the song out of her head- like, now- before Manon exploded, and grabbed her phone to plug into the auxiliary cord.
However, before she could do that, a sharp ringing filled the car.
Sophia’s heart dropped.
“I love you-“
Time seemed to stop, the world closing in on her until it was just Sophia, the ringing, and that name on her phone.
“You’re my person. I love you so so much.”
It was only a few seconds, but it felt like forever for Sophia.
That’s how all moments with her were like back then- fleeting, but feeling like a lifetime.
‘Not now.’ she thought, ‘not when I’m so close to happiness.’
She ended the call, attempting to act normal- continuing to hum Gnarly- pretending like that name didn’t make her chest hurt.
Manon glanced at her, she felt her suspicion- which practically suffocated her.
‘Shit. She knows. She-‘
“Who was that?”
Sophia’s exhale of relief seemed to take all her apprehension out with it.
“What? Oh. No one.” she shrugged, keeping her façade of normalcy on.
“-my Dani. My everything. My universe.”
The ringing started again, and Sophia’s blood went cold.
She hid her rising pulse with a sigh, swiping to answer.
“Hey.” she hopes she was hiding the waver in her voice, “What-“
The words died in her throat, hearing a voice she knew all too well.
“Sophia… I’m sorry. Please baby-“
In those five words- those five slurred words, Sophia was undone so quickly.
She wanted to. More than anything.
Her mind was racing, her emotions from the past bubbling over.
She wanted to scream, cry- to let it out. To let everything out.
‘Why now, Dani? Why can’t you say it when you’re sober? Why now, when it’s too little, all too late?’
“Stop drinking.” was all she could muster up, ending the call with trembling fingers.
Sophia walked in nervously, trying to look around the room for anyone she could talk to- but it seems that her punctuality struck again, as she was the first one in the studio.
The door opened.
“Oh! Cool! Someone’s here already!”
Her heart warmed at the excitement in the person’s voice. Why does she feel comfort from someone she’s never met before?
“Hi! I’m so glad you’re here, I was scared I’d end up sitting alone in here for the next thirty minutes.” she chuckled, putting her hand out.
“I’m Sophia. Sophia Laforteza.”
The girl, with the smile of a thousand suns, took her hand gently- and for some reason, her mind was already attempting to commit this feeling- the way her hand seemed to fit perfectly in hers- to memory.
“Daniela, Dani. Avanzini.”
‘Dani.’ her mind repeated.
From that day on, it seemed as her heartbeat was rewired to the rhythm of that name in her chest.
The silence after the call could’ve eaten Sophia alive. She was petrified.
‘Why would I even consider it? Manon is the one I love. I love Manon-‘
“Soph? Can we talk?”
Sophia froze.
“What about, mahal?” she asked- her voice wobbling.
“Do…” Manon started,
“Did you think that Dani was acting… off during the wedding?”
She couldn’t stop the flinch that occurred hearing that name.
“No. I-“
Manon looked at Sophia, seeing right through her.
The guilt gnawed at her heart.
She remembered seeing those familiar thick curls- the ones that made her stare- walking peacefully outside.
She remembered the way her name felt coming out of her mouth, a spark inside her lighting after being dim for so long.
She remembered Daniela’s face as she held out her invitation.
‘Do you think I have forgotten?’ she thought.
-
They lay on Sophia’s twin sized bed, fingers interlaced as they stared into eachother’s eyes.
-
Sophia couldn’t prevent her sobs from flooding out of her chest, hoping- more than anything- that they’ll find their way back in the end. She ignored the shuffling outside of the bathroom as she cowered inwardly.
”Please baby-“
-
She remembered the way Daniela looked as she walked past her pew, eyes widened in shock with unshed tears. It took everything not to look at her. Not even sparing a glance. She belonged to Manon now. Her heart beat out Manon’s name, not hers.
She wouldn’t let it.
She remembered the moment she and Manon approached their group- hand in hand- and seeing Daniela’s heart break even more.
She remembered Daniela’s eyes- so full of love, so inequitably full of love- knowing damn well she could’ve been wearing this dress for her.
Love is an unfair thing sometimes. No matter how much you wanted it, you couldn’t control it as much as you tried.
Sophia found it unfair. She was angry. She was angry, upset, and so tired. Tired of ignoring the faint pulse of the multisyllabic nickname that her heart just couldn’t seem to forget. Tired of acting deaf as she rode the train next to Manon, as if she couldn’t still hear the echoes of bickering over their bento boxes on their way to Japan. Tired of pretending that when she woke up in the mornings, the curls that spread out on the pillow next to hers were the right texture, the right shade of brown.
-
Her heart broke, hidden by the textured bodice of her wedding dress- which she wore for Manon, as she saw Daniela’s face.
She smiled, the truest smile she could make, because she was happy. She married the woman who loved her the way she wanted- the way she deserved.
And Daniela seemed to understand that. She realised that she genuinely let Sophia go.
But for a moment, that’s not what Sophia wanted.
Why did Daniela let her go that easily?
‘Do you think I have forgotten?’ she thought.
Does Daniela really think that Sophia didn’t yearn for her anymore? Did she really think that sometimes, she’d wake up gasping for air- because she needed her like she needed oxygen to keep living?
“It’s always going to be you, Manon. You own the whole of my heart.”
She said, ignoring the thrum of a familiarity of the rhythm beating painfully under her ribs.
And as Sophia stroked the back of her wife’s head, she couldn’t help but think- somewhere, in the back corner of her mind:
‘Do you think I’ve forgotten? About you?’
That small part of her, the embers of the love that stubbornly remained- like a stain you could never wash out, a memory you can never erase- still begged for the girl who was her first love.
‘Don’t let go.’