Work Text:
It’s a sunny day in April, not yet summer, but warm enough for Tetsurou to wear shorts and sunglasses when he goes out to meet his best friend at the basketball court of their neighborhood. Exams are coming up, but that’s even more of a reason to get out and just move, instead of sitting around all day, studying his ass off. He knows Bokuto feels the same, because while Kenma may not be as insistent with getting him to study, Akaashi is mothering his friend on another level. Much to Bokuto’s dismay, even though his grades may definitely be worth it in the end.
Walking through the streets of their district where they both live in flats with their friends, he thinks back to their high school time. How they met each other on the court and how the flame sparked to life.
The memories feel like they are burned to the inside of his brain, shining bright like a freshly healed scar that will never fade. The feeling of grass beneath him, Bokuto’s arm against his. The smell of forbidden cigarette smoke and Tokyo’s air. The sound of rubber soles against gym floor, sweating bodies all around him, moving in perfect synch. Bokuto’s blinding smile from behind the net. Tetsurou could go on for hours.
Stopping in front of a vending machine to get a drink for after their workout, he feels his heart beat speed up a bit. He halts, finger hovering over the button.
There it is, he thinks, this feeling that’s haunting him for some time now. Like a little twist in the gut, or just a slight pounding behind his ears. It took a while for him to recognize it, to realize when it’s there and why.
Shaking his head, he presses down his finger and bows to grab the cold bottle of soda.
“Stay calm,” he murmurs, raking his fingers through his hair before he turns around and starts walking again, swallowing the emotions and shoving them deep down where he pretends he doesn’t care.
“Bro!”
Tetsurou perks up at the nickname, grin immediately spreading his lips when he sees Bokuto jogging towards him, shirtless and chest already covered in what seems to be sun lotion.
“Hey man, what’s up?” he asks when they hug, clapping each other on the back.
“I just had one hell of a match with this guy over there, he claims to have played basket ball in America for some years! You should’ve seen his throws, man, he’s a devil!” Bokuto exclaims and throws one hand over Tetsurou’s shoulder, who laughs and follows him.
“Is he up for another match?” he asks, because not only is he interested in this technique of the guy, but also in watching Bokuto play basketball. Honestly, Tetsurou sometimes feels pure jealousy for his friend’s ability to play every sport like he did it his whole life. Sure, when he’s got a bad day, he’s pretty much useless, but Tetsurou soon learned that when you take all the pressure of succeeding for the team and the professional competition away from him and let him play just for the fun of it, he’s a monster.
“We can go ask him! Also, have you seen those legs?”
Tetsurou swallows, trying to maintain his relaxed impression.
“Is he the one in the red shirt?” he asks, glad his voice doesn’t give anything away.
“Yeah. Bro, I’d tap that ass. You think I should ask him for his number later?”
Tetsurou throws a glance at his friend, who looks at the man standing in one of the corners of the basketball court like he just got his dessert served. Tetsurou huffs a laugh through his nose and buries his hands in his pockets, his right one grabbing the soda tightly until the cold of the surface bites his skin.
“Sure, why not? You sure he’s into dudes?”
“I didn’t ask but from what we talked earlier he doesn’t seem like a douche, so it’s worth a try.”
Tetsurou nods and looks at red-shirt-guy again. They’ve almost reached the bench they always sit on, and since there aren’t many other people around, he supposes it’s the red-shirt-guy’s stuff that’s lying there.
He really has very strong legs.
Tetsurou has to look to the ground.
“I’ll get the ball and ask him to join!” Bokuto says with a wide grin and smacks Tetsurou on the back one last time before he lets go. Sighing, Tetsurou walks over to the bench and puts his soda on the ground underneath it, hiding it from the sun. He lets himself fall onto the wooden seating to fasten his shoelaces and mentally prepare for seeing Bokuto shirtless but also swoon over this guy for the next hour or so. A silent, bitter laugh escapes his lips at these thoughts. He’s being pathetic and he knows it, and he honestly doesn’t remember since when it got that bad.
When he hears Bokuto’s voice from the other end of the court, he looks up. The former volley baller waves for him to come over, and Tetsurou stands up, hands on his thighs for leverage, and the strong muscles dancing beneath his friend’s skin is the only thing he sees for a moment.
Fuck me, he thinks, meaning it in more than one way.
~
Of course Bokuto gets red-shirt-guy’s number. And of course he tells Tetsurou how amazing the sex has been. He’s his best friend, after all. They know each other like they know themselves, maybe even better, so they talk about stuff.
And that’s why it feels like it destroys Tetsurou a little bit more every day.
It’s wrong, he tells himself, it’s no use. He’d never want me.
He hasn’t told anyone yet, not even Kenma, partly because he tries to fool himself, too. He’s never been good at accepting stuff like this. He’s the cool one, he rationalizes everything. He doesn’t have his head in the clouds; he knows what’s up.
That’s why it hurts so much. Because he knows how Bokuto feels. He knows that he needs it, that he wants the sex like he wants those ridiculous burgers every time he sleeps over and they decide to order in. He needs it like he needs air to breathe, and Tetsurou understands. He even admires his ability to just talk to people, to ask them for it openly, and to see it in such a practical way.
Tetsurou may even be as much as a sexual person as Bokuto is, but he simply … it never clicked, and even though he liked sex and wanted it, he was afraid. Afraid of getting hurt like some times before, afraid of developing feelings and getting attached.
Because he’s not like this.
He doesn’t want to be.
~
University volleyball is something completely different. He knew this university had a good team, but he didn’t come here for the sport. He also didn’t come here for Bokuto who partly chose it because of the team. He came here for the professors and the reputation, but he simply couldn’t stay away from volleyball with Bokuto pressuring him into joining the team because “It will be fun, Kuroo, just imagine it! Us standing on the court, defeating even better teams than back in high school!”. Of course there would be more of Bokuto’s breakdowns, but Kuroo could manage. Akaashi taught him well, and he knows he has a feeling for this person and how to cope with his downs after all.
So now he’s here, all sweaty behind the net again, arms and fingers hurting from practice.
But it’s worth it every time he looks to his side, where Bokuto is standing in all his glory, strong and proud and full of flaming energy. He’s ready to conquer the world, Tetsurou thinks with a fond smile on his lips, and if not, at least those courts.
When their eyes meet, Bokuto smiles at him, and Kuroo can do nothing but smile back. His heart surges, hurting in the best of ways.
I’m so gone, he thinks, so gone for this man.
And he realizes there’s no turning back, even though he feels like standing at a dead end everyday.
“Bro, up for a movie night? Akaashi studies so much he’s turning purple, I’d like him to relax for a bit.”
“Sure thing. My place or yours?”
“Yours, I’ll bring the popcorn!”
Tetsurou grins and winks.
“I can’t wait.”
Laughing, Bokuto jumps to his side, arms all over him in a matter of seconds.
“Me too, bro! Watching movies with you is in my top 3 activities! Should be a human right, I don’t know if I could live without it!”
“You’re talking shit, Bro. But I love you nonetheless.”
“I know you do, Bro.”
They bicker for some time, their teammates either rolling their eyes or laughing at how ridiculous they are.
And Tetsurou wouldn’t have it any other way.
~
Friday night, an important exam was written today, and Tetsurou finally feels like he can breathe again. When he steps through the door of his and Kenma’s apartment, he already thinks of how he can spend this weekend. He could call up some friends from Nekoma, go out with them, paint the town red.
He could play Mario Kart with Kenma all night, eat chips, watch Netflix.
He could call Bokuto.
Kenma enters just at the right time to hear his heaving sigh and looks at him with eyes that seem to question and judge him at the same time.
Raising his arms in defeat, he toes out of his shoes and steps into the living area.
“I’m just tired, today was really exhausting. I didn’t do anything.”
Kenma rolls his eyes, looking at his 3DS again.
“You know that it makes you even more suspicious when you talk like that.”
He presses some buttons on his console and Tetsurou waits patiently because he knows he’s going to say more. When Kenma does, Tetsurou wishes he hadn’t.
“You’re acting weird for some weeks now. What’s going on?”
Tetsurou scratches his head, weighting if he should tell him or not.
As if his friend was able to read his mind, Kenma adds something with his calm voice, “You can tell me. But you don’t have to. Maybe you’ll feel better after it.”
Sighing again, Tetsurou nods and walks to their small couch, letting himself fall into the cushions like he’ll drop dead any minute now. Kenma joins him, his 3DS actually closed and Tetsurou could hug him for it. He doesn’t because he knows Kenma wouldn’t appreciate it.
“Well, I don’t want to annoy you with stuff like this, because you told me you’re not interested in romantic stuff, so-”
“Tetsurou, just because I don’t want romance for myself doesn’t mean I don't want to listen to your problems. I’m gonna tell you when something makes me uncomfortable,” Kenma interrupts him and looks at him with this look that makes Tetsurou feel like he just said the dumbest thing in the world. Blushing a little, he nods and continues.
“Well, to say it frankly, I might have a crush on a guy who isn’t looking for a relationship right now and it fucks me up because …”
He stops, swallowing.
“Honestly, I don’t even know why that fucks me up. I simply can’t seem to get over him and it’s useless to try so … yeah. I’m not doing so well right now. Sorry I didn’t tell you, I hope I didn’t make you worry too much.”
Kenma is quiet after he finishes and picks on his shorts absently. Tetsurou bites his lips and looks into his lap, rubbing his right thigh to do something with his hands.
“You’re … probably right, I can’t really talk from experience. But I think … that you should tell this person. About what you feel.”
A frustrated sigh leaves Tetsurou’s mouth and he leans forward, resting his face in his hands.
“And what exactly would that accomplish? Like I said, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want anything from me, and I … it could destroy far too much if I told him. And even if he didn’t mind, I … what am I gonna do? I can’t just … live with him knowing and not reciprocating.”
Kenma looks at him, eyes unreadable.
“You do, right now. You will have it out of your system, maybe that will help. Also, you can’t be 100 percent sure before you talk to him about it.”
I know, Tetsurou thinks. Maybe Kenma is right. Maybe Bokuto really would want to try with him. He can hardly imagine it, but yeah, the possibility could be there.
“I’m going to my room. Thanks for listening to me, Kenma. I’m going to think about what you said,” he says and stands up. He’s halfway around the couch when he feels Kenma’s hand grabbing his shirt. Tetsurou stops and looks at his friend with wide eyes.
“I want you to be happy, Tetsu. And I want you to want it too and to try everything to accomplish it.”
A tiny, fond smile rests on his lips then and Tetsurou can do nothing but blink, swallow hard and then hurry to his room, nodding and desperately trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill.
~
Movie night had to wait until most of their important exams were written. Akaashi sometimes demands cruel things, but in the end, Tetsurou thinks, he’s still always right. So they all study hard because they have something to look forward to, and when they are done, Kenma stepping out of the university on a sunny Wednesday as the last one of them with a really big exam, they head straight for Tetsurou's and Kenma’s flat. Bokuto had been excited the whole time since they met in front of the university to wait for each other, and Tetsurou quickly caught on and started feeling really good, forgetting all the stress of the past weeks and months, simply enjoying the upcoming free time after his last deadline the next week.
He feels nice, walking between Bokuto and Kenma, the four of them chatting about god knows what. He really missed that.
And he really missed Bokuto. He feels it like an invisible hand gripped his heart, pulling him towards the former captain. Tetsurou catches himself constantly looking towards Bokuto, watching him and admiring his smile, his laugh, his everything. At the beginning of every semester, they mostly met at least two times a week to play games, go out or just hang out at each other’s place to chill. When those times get rare and their semesters short, it almost feels like part of him is missing.
He doesn’t want to think about that right now, because they are all here, nearing their flat now, ready to fucking relax for once.
“Did we already decide on what we’ll watch later?” he asks, conversation currently ceasing. Bokuto visibly perks up, a grin spreading his lips.
“My dude, guess which movie I brought with me today,” he starts, and Akaashi sighs.
“I’m sorry Kuroo, I couldn’t stop him from buying it. Well, when I think about it, I probably should apologize to you, Kenma. Kuroo might actually go along with it.”
Kuroo chuckles and looks at Bokuto who looks half offended and half proud.
“Hey…! This movie is a masterpiece! Don’t insult it, you haven’t even seen it,” he tells him and Kuroo is stoked to see what he brought for them to watch.
“Just tell us already,” Kenma joins and Bokuto lights up like it’s Christmas eve.
“Imagine the drum roll...” Bokuto pronounces and pulls a DVD out of his bag that definitely has seen better days. Tetsurou has to squint at it to read the cover and when he makes out the title he bursts out laughing.
“Ta-dah! Movie of the year 2014! With a glorious score of 4,8 on IMDB and rated 69% – feel the irony – fresh on rotten tomatoes, it is the perfect movie for a college boys' sleepover!”
“You didn’t just buy Zombeavers, Bro, tell me you didn’t,” Tetsurou wheezes, tears in his eyes. “And here I was, thinking I couldn’t love your dumb face even more…!”
“Well, actually I rented it. It was quite a task to get it, really, seems like I wasn’t the only one with this idea. But that doesn’t make it any less awesome!”
Tetsurou can feel Akaashi roll his eyes when they high five, and Kenma just takes the DVD out of Bokuto’s hand and looks at it more than skeptically.
“Who still rents movies nowadays…”
Curled in blankets with a bowl of popcorn for everyone, they sit on the couch, beavers already running wild in the movie. Bokuto obviously has the time of his life, howling with laughter, head lying in Tetsurou’s lap. He himself can’t really suppress it, how could he with Bokuto having such a great time.
“Oh my god look at her! Look at the beaver! Shit the beaver- SHIT. Run, bitch! Or the beaver will eat your feet too!”
Tetsurou snorts, half of his face buried in his hand.
“This is the most ridiculous crap I’ve ever seen.”
“And you love it, I know you do, Bro.”
“You’re damn right I do.”
He can hear Akaashi sigh on the other side of the couch. Saying he looks like he’s suffering might be an understatement. Tetsurou thinks he’s probably questioning his life choices right now and that makes him grin. Kenma has given up on paying attention already, cellphone in his hand and playing some game.
“Next time we’ll make a drinking game out of this. It will be brilliant. I have approximately one thousand ideas.”
“Splendid, Bokuto," Akaashi murmurs.
"Please don’t invite us,” Kenma says without taking his eyes off his phone. Bokuto gasps.
“Kenma, my dear friend. How could you say something like this, after all the pain I went through to choose and claim this DVD for this fantastic evening. This is an experience that’s worth repeating to add even more awesomeness and polish it so it can become the movie night. We will tell our gay children about it one day…!”
“All the pain you inflicted on yourself doesn’t make this movie any better,” Kenma responds in a breath.
“But that’s the point, Kenma!”
“I don’t like this point…”
Tetsurou chuckles, lifting his hand out of the blanket around him so he can run his fingers through Bokuto’s hair.
“Don’t listen to him, Bo. I’d watch this movie with you until we die, fuck everything else.”
A hand grabs the one on Bokuto’s head, holding it in place when the head on his lap turns to reveal a face with a look and a smile that shines brighter than the sun. Tetsurou is a bit taken aback by it, cheeks blushing a faint pink. He feels his hands starting to shake and hopes Bokuto doesn’t notice.
“Please marry me, Tetsu.”
His heart skips a beat and he looks at Bokuto, eyes wide in shock.
For a short time, everything stands still and there are just Bokuto’s eyes he sinks into.
Then, after a too long moment of gazing at the person in his lap, Bokuto starts to giggle. It pulls Tetsurou out of his zone and he forces himself to cough slightly and reply a shaky “Sure, Bro, whatever makes you happy.”
The moment is over when Bokuto winks at him, smiling one last time and turning his head back to the TV. When he starts commenting on the movie again, Tetsurou can feel how Bokuto grabs Tetsurou’s hand in his hair a little tighter, squeezing it for a short time. Then he lets go, huddling his head against Tetsurou’s hand as if telling him to continue his ministrations.
And Tetsurou does, head swimming and stomach in knots.
~
He’s at university, coming straight from the library with an awful headache when Tsukishima spots him. Tetsurou doesn’t notice him at first, his mind already at home in his bed and preferably asleep so he doesn’t have to suffer like this. But Tsukki, knowing his I’m-in-pain-but-still-want-to-look-smooth-look walks up to him to stop Tetsurou in his tracks and give him the look.
Tetsurou is a bit taken aback at first, but then has to suppress a resigned sigh.
“Now’s not the time for one of your lectures, Tsukki. I’m on my way home, and I want to get there fast.”
His underclassman just rolls his eyes, then reaches into his bag to pull a bottle of water out of it.
“Drink this. Headache again?”
Now it’s Tetsurou’s turn to roll his eyes, but he grabs the bottle nonetheless, but not without shooting Tsukishima a sly grin.
“I thought we broke up, Tsukki. You can stop mothering me, you know. Except if you want me back, but then you may take me out for dinner first, to make up for all the crying I did after you left me.”
He reaches for the water, bottleneck cold against his sweaty fingers.
“I will stop mothering you when you stop being my reckless idiot friend who happens to be my ex because of situations and conversations like this one, exactly,” Tsukishima shoots back without even a blink of his eye. Tetsurou just huffs a laugh before emptying half the bottle in one go.
“You know, you bitching like this is the reason I loved you. Still love you, kind of. But yeah, maybe it’s better this way.”
Crossing his arms Tsukishima sighs and gives Tetsurou another one of his looks. He almost looks like he’s in pain now too, but he’s probably just annoyed, and Tetsurou doesn’t really feel sorry for him.
“Kuroo, we’ve been through this. Please.”
Tetsurou lifts his hands in an excusing gesture, a small but honest smile on his lips.
“I’m just saying. Thanks for the water, Kei. I’m keeping this,” he says, holding up the bottle and turning to leave. Tsukishima lets his hands fall to his sides again and nods, bringing up one hand to fix his glasses.
“Take care, Kuroo.”
“You too,” he responds, back already turned to Tsukishima, his head thrumming in time with his heartbeat.
~
They are at their favorite local bar and Tetsurou doesn’t know how many drinks and cigarettes he already had. He’s smoking an awful lot lately and he doesn’t really like it, but he’s feeling the itch like never before and he can’t stop himself. So there he is, on his barstool with a cigarette in his mouth and a bottle of beer in his hand, watching Bokuto dance with a lady and two dudes simultaneously. Tetsurou doesn’t know how he manages to look hot nonetheless. Akaashi must be somewhere too, probably on the toilet. The boy can’t hold his liquor very well.
Daichi joins him after some time, also a beer in his hand. He follows Tetsurou’s gaze and laughs when he spots the former Fukurodani captain.
“Man, Bokuto is a miracle. I’m already dead from the little dancing Koushi and I did before.”
“He could do it until morning comes. Most of the time, the club isn’t even his last destination of the night, if you know what I mean.”
Daichi blinks, then blushes a bit but laughs again.
“Seriously? He still has energy for that after a night of dancing?”
Tetsurou smiles a bitter smile and hopes Daichi doesn’t recognize it as such.
“Of course. The endurance of a real captain. But I don’t know if there’s anyone like him out there. He’s got the energy for ten of us.”
When he’s not getting an answer, he turns his head to look at Daichi. The look he gives him tells almost too much of what Daichi understood from what little he shared.
Turning his head to his side, he takes a deep breath, grabbing the bottle tighter for any kind of feeling of leverage.
“I’m going out for a bit. Need a smoke and some fresh air. See you,” he therefore says, turning to leave his beer at the bar and heading for the door. He doesn’t look at Bokuto or Daichi again before he pushes the door open and breathes the night air in. He lights another cigarette, having finished the one before just mere seconds ago.
He doesn’t even feel the nicotine anymore.
~
When he’s walking down the street the next morning, he feels almost sick. The night was spent rather sleepless even with the light buzz of alcohol accompanying him through half of the night. But he wasn’t able to doze off, thoughts of Bokuto occupying his mind almost every second he lay awake. He’d like to think he came to terms with his feelings for his friend then when he head enough time to think about this train wreck of a situation he’s in right now, but his gut tells him that still might not be the case.
Anyways, he thinks, pulling his cellphone out of his pocket and looking at the time, I’m going to tell him today. Tetsurou got ready the second it turned eight o’clock this morning, bracing himself for a talk that should have happened a long time ago. That would have prevented a lot of suffering, probably.
Kenma was right, better to do it now than never.
His hands are still shaking, despite him feeling as ready as ever.
After fifteen minutes of walking, he’s standing on Bokuto’s doorstep. Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath and tries to calm his rapidly beating heart.
“You can do this,” he whispers to himself, “He’ll understand.”
A smile cracks his lips when he thinks about how hot Bokuto claims to be himself, that Tetsurou almost expects a remark of that kind when he tells him that he’s got a crush on him. Well, crush might be a small understatement, but he’s not gonna pull out the big guns, yet.
With a shaking, sweaty hand, he pulls the spare key Bokuto gave him a day after he moved in here out of his pocket and opens the door. He wouldn’t want to wake Akaashi just because he’s got stupid problems like falling for his friend.
What greets him is the unmistakable smell of coffee. And since Bokuto is not a coffee drinker, he expects to see Akaashi when he enters the kitchen with a friendly “Good morning”.
When he sees red-shirt-guy standing at the counter in just his boxer briefs, leaving almost nothing to the imagination, his stomach churns and he feels like he has to vomit.
Red-shirt-guy looks up, definitely surprised to see him. Their eyes meet, and Tetsurou can feel the blood draining from his face. He hopes it doesn’t show on his face as drastic as he feels it.
“Oh, hi. You’re … that guy from the basketball court, aren’t you?”
Frozen in place, he can only nod. Red-shirt-guy looks at him, definitely suspicious but also a tad humorous.
“I … can’t remember your name, sorry. Want some coffee?”
He had sex with Bokuto. That’s all what’s in Tetsurou’s head. He hears it over and over in his brain while he sits down at the small kitchen table and watches Red-shirt-guy – Akiba – pour him a cup of coffee. He wants to run so bad. Why is he staying?
“Uhm … why are you in his flat again? Are you Akaashi’s boyfriend? Bo doesn’t have a third flatmate I haven’t heard anything about yet, does he?”
Tetsurou closes his eyes – Bo – and takes a shaky breath.
Bokuto went home alone yesterday. He didn’t take anybody with him. But Akiba is here. When did he come? Did Bokuto call him yesterday evening after they went out?
Calm down. Calm down. Everything is okay.
When he opens his eyes, Akiba is looking at him. There’s concern in his expression, but he clearly doesn’t know how to continue without this whole thing getting even more awkward because Tetsurou doesn’t really answer any of his questions. It’s so not like him to stay silent like this.
So he tries to speak, failing miserably.
“I,” he starts, voice cracking. With his throat feeling sore and dry, he gulps, tries once more.
“I’m Kuroo. Nice to meet you … again.”
It hurts so much. It’s like every ounce of him is screaming at him to leave and run.
Akiba smiles, corner of his mouth twitching a bit.
“I can see that you’re not feeling well. Don’t you want to go home? Akaashi is not home today and Bokuto is knocked out dead. He’ll probably get up around 1 pm or so.”
Kuroo grabs the cup of coffee and gulps it down just to not look at the guy sitting in front of him. Pictures move in front of his eyes unwillingly. He sees Bokuto, sweaty. Bokuto, panting, screaming in pleasure. Bokuto smiling at him, hair disheveled and beautiful. Bokuto, tired from a night filled with lust and … togetherness.
The sudden revulsion he feels has him standing up, stool clattering to the floor behind him.
“Bye,” he grits out before leaving behind a pretty shocked and helpless Akiba and storming out of the flat, fresh air greeting him outside.
His breath comes in short gasps and he feels his stomach ache, grabbing at it with his hands.
“Bush,” he murmurs, repeating the word while running towards the next hedge, bending over to throw up all over it.
~
“Kuroo, you have to get out of your room.”
Mind groggy from lying awake tired as hell for 2 days already Tetsurou looks at his clock. It’s monday and he’s got classes this afternoon. He doesn’t know if he’s physically able to attend those at the moment.
“Kuroo, I’m being serious. This worries me. At least unlock the door so I can look at you.”
Turning onto his back, he covers his eyes with his hands. He breathes in, out, in again. Still feeling miserable, tired and too exhausted to get up he puts his hand beside him on the bed, looking at the ceiling.
“Tetsu. I can hear that you’re awake. Let me in or I’ll call Tsukishima to annoy you out of here.”
“How can you sound so threatening with this monotone voice of yours, Ken? I’m still trying to figure out how you do that.”
He almost has to cringe at how weak his voice sounds. Pathetic.
There are three vigorous knocks on the door and Tetsurou knows that those might be the last 3 minutes of relative peace before Kenma enters fury-mode. Which is not a nice experience. A furious Kenma can get cold and hurtful pretty fast, with just the right amount of disregard to be very frustrating.
So Tetsurou sighs and gets up to unlock the door.
When he opens it, Kenma is standing there, looking at him like he’s ready to either kill or hug him. He himself might not be one hundred percent sure because Tetsurou could almost see him struggle on the inside.
When his small friend finally pushes past him to sit down on his bed, Tetsurou can do nothing but smile and follow him. He takes a seat on the mattress beside of Kenma, keeping his distance, feet pulled up on the bed.
They remain silent for some time before Kenma speaks up.
“What happened, Tetsurou?”
His mind feels like total wilderness, an empty wasteland, cold and drab.
“It hurts, Ken. It hurts so fucking much and I can’t make it stop.”
And even though he’s smiling, he can’t hold in the tears that are running down his face. Not this time.
As little fun as his breakdown is, witnessing Kenma seeing him like this is even less fun.
Somehow he’s lying on his bed, hands around Kenma’s waist and sobbing into his sweats, face pressed to soft fabric over strong thighs. He feels a small hand carefully threading through his bedhead.
I don’t want this, he thinks. Why am I so weak? Why am I pulling Kenma into this?
He might have said that out loud, because Kenma tells him with a soft voice that “It’s okay, Tetsu. It’s okay.”
He doesn’t know why he calls Tsukki at 8 in the evening when Kenma is back in his room. Deciding he was in no condition to attend his classes, Kenma made him some hot chocolate and told him to try and relax and also not do anything stupid. Tetsurou had just huffed a breath and told him he was going to be okay. Pretty much.
Now, after a two-hour nap and some episodes of Orange Is The New Black, he clutches his phone and waits for Tsukki to pick up.
Which he does, surprisingly.
“Hello…?”
Tetsurou smiles, turns to his side and snuggles deeper into his blanket even though it’s hot as hell.
“Hey Tsukki.”
There’s silence on the other side of the line. Then…
“Tetsurou? Why are you calling me?”
He doesn’t sound angry or annoyed. Tsukki sounds confused. Tetsurou hopes he doesn’t interrupt him at anything.
“Are you okay? Tetsurou, what’s going on?”
Realizing he hadn’t answered any of his questions, Tetsurou forces himself to breathe deeply and then speak.
“I just … Something happened and I don’t feel well. Also I wanted to apologize for being a massive dick and making you leave. I’m sorry. I’m a horrible person.”
Again, Tsukishima surprises Tetsurou by not reacting like he thought he would. No sighs or tries to interrupt this conversation are made, instead Tsukki seems to think about what Tetsurou just said and take him seriously.
“You’re … right, you kind of made me leave with how you acted. But I understand, Tetsurou. And I’m not mad at you. I’m sorry too if I didn’t make that clear enough for you. I think there are times in people’s lives where a relationship isn’t possible right then. We probably were such a case.”
Tetsurou waits when Tsukki pauses. His heart is beating fast and the tears are threatening to spill again, but he wants to listen, so he holds them back. He cried enough for one day.
“I … felt really helpless back then, you know. You tried to be a very good boyfriend, and you were, in a way. But you never really let me in, if you know what I mean. I know that I’m an asshole and inconsiderate and egocentric most of the time, but if you hadn’t shut me out like this, I think it could have gone very different. I didn’t know what to do, so I shut you out too. And I’m sorry for that. For not trying harder.”
Tetsurou smiles, lips trembling, and takes a shaky breath. He wipes at the corner of his eyes and bites his lip.
“Thanks Tsukki. You deserve better than me.”
“Don’t ever say that, Tetsurou. You’re a great person. You’re neither horrible nor a dick – okay, maybe sometimes – but very considerate and caring. Don’t make me ever repeat that, I hate admitting that people are nice and friendly and not giant assholes.”
This makes Tetsurou laugh, tears drying on his cheeks.
“Oh Tsukki, I missed you. Can we have sex one last time before I tell Bokuto how in love I am with him?”
“What the fuck, Kuroo.”
Tetsurou snorts with laughter and he hears Tsukki mumble some really offensive things into his phone. When he calms down a bit, he breathes deeply, then continues to apologize.
“Sorry. I know you’re not the person for such a thing. Sorry I said that.”
“So that’s what happened, huh? You have my sympathies. Well, not because it’s Bokuto, because I’d rather have sex with Hinata before I let him anywhere near me.”
“I don’t believe you. That’s a dirty lie.”
“Okay maybe it is, but the point is, good luck with coping with his sex drive and his need to have sex with every queer person on this planet.”
Tetsurou sighs and buries his face in his pillow, mumbling a desperate “I knoooow…!”
Then he hears Tsukishima chuckle, and he perks up.
“What’s so funny about me suffering?”
“I just…” Tsukishima starts, coughing, “well, Bokuto is the exact opposite of you in so many ways. It’s funny how you seek out someone like him to make you happy. Weird enough, I seriously think it will work. Be honest with him, open yourself up, learn from your past and he will accept you.”
When Tsukki finishes, Tetsurou is speechless. He blinks a few times, then reaches for the place on his chest were his heart lies.
“Thank you, Kei. For being there when I needed it. I hope you know I’d do the same for you, even though you’d never admit needing any help.”
Now Tsukki huffs a laugh.
“Shut up, Kuroo. Good luck with the owl. I need sleep now.”
“Good night, my moon prince.”
“I’m ignoring that, but you too.”
When he hangs up, Tetsurou feels light.
He knows what he wants now.
And he’s going to fucking get it, no matter what.
~
9:34 AM
Me: bro, u got time today?
11:06 AM
bestest bro: sure bro! whatcha wanna do
11:07 AM
Me: u wanna get a burger and chill @ the lake?
11:12 AM
bestest bro: hell yea i do!! (╯✧∇✧)╯
11:12 AM
Me: Doki Burgers, 3pm
11:15 AM
bestest bro: gotcha (۶•̀ᴗ•́)۶
~
When Bokuto enters the restaurant, Tetsurou already walks back towards him, two paper bags in hand. His friend notices, looking at him with big eyes. After a second, a grin spreads over his face.
“Bro! You’re the greatest person on this planet!” he hollers and crushes Tetsurou in a tight hug, throwing his arms around Tetsurou’s neck. Stumbling back a bit, Tetsurou has to chuckle, hugging Bokuto back as best as he can with their food in his hands.
“Everything for you,” he murmurs and closes his eyes for a brief moment before he lets go, pushing Bokuto’s meal at him. “But you may carry it yourself.”
“Sure, sure,” Bokuto grins and takes the bag to look into it. Of course Tetsurou bought his favorite food, the big special burger with extra bacon and the disgusting soda he always drinks. He shines like the sun when he sees that everything’s there, even the little toy of the kid’s meal he always insists on. “For memory keeping,” he always tells Tetsurou, and if that isn’t totally cute.
“Come on, let’s go. This bag is getting heavy,” Tetsurou tells him then, lifting his satchel to show that he’s ready to start their journey that will hopefully end in him not being horribly devastated because Bokuto dumped him. He’s nervous like hell, but he also thought so long about this moment that he’s kind of … excited to see how it will all play out.
“Why do you bring heavy bags when we go chilling outside? You can train your muscles in a different way, you know. Besides, you look fine as hell, bro. No need to impress me, really.” With that, Tetsurou feels an elbow hitting his ribs and he gasps.
“Bro, watch it. I’m carrying our candle light dinner equipment,” he says. Which is one hundred percent the truth. Bokuto laughs.
“Shit dude. I love you, you’re so funny.”
Tetsurou just smiles, ready to blow Bokuto’s mind how much “funnier” this afternoon is going to get.
When they reach their favorite place at the lake, Tetsurou let’s himself drop to the ground like he hasn’t sat on his ass for a year. Well, now he’s lying. On his stomach.
“Man, I’m exhausted,” he mutters into the grass, and moments later a laughing Bokuto is lying on top of him.
“Oh you poor baby. I will feed you, okay? Will that make you happy?” he asks, giggling like a 12 year old. Tetsurou grunts, smiling.
“Yes. Now get off me.”
When they start wrestling, it’s not just Bokuto who’s a complete child on the inside. And since Bokuto gained about 12 pounds of muscle just this year, Tetsurou can’t do shit against his strong hold. In a matter of seconds, he has Tetsurou on his back, hands pinned down to the grass. But what he can do, is hold himself up to reach Bokuto’s face and peck him on his cheek, and that evokes a good enough response. Bokuto squeals and laughs, letting his hands go, and now Tetsurou can wrestle him to the ground.
They’re panting and laughing, and suddenly Tetsurou reaches down and puts his arms around Bokuto’s neck, hugging him tight for the second time today.
He doesn’t think about Bokuto not hugging back, probably. He just follows what his heart tells him, tries to be himself and as honest as he can be.
When Bokuto hugs back, he feels like he could start floating right this moment because of how happy that makes him.
“Hey …” Bokuto whispers, and Tetsurou can feel his breath against his hair. A shiver runs down his back, just strong enough to give him goose bumps.
“Hey,” he murmurs back, smiling against Bokuto’s neck.
It feels good. It feels right. It only makes his intent stronger, fueled by those feelings.
That’s how it’s supposed to be, he tells himself. Go and get it.
He feels Bokuto stroking his back lightly, intentional or unintentional, he can’t tell. Trying to burn this memory into his mind, he sits up and grins at his friend. Bokuto looks back at him, eyes soft and happy, and grins back.
“Needed that, huh?” he asks, no mocking in his voice.
“Definitely,” Tetsurou answeres and crawls off him, reaching for his bag. Bokuto meanwhile leans against the tree just a few feet away, taking his own bag in his hands and reaches into it for the soda. He watches Tetsurou as he pulls out a picnic rug, spreading it over the grass in the shadow of the tree, watches still, as Tetsurou continues retrieves a small vase and some candles, five small ones and one long one that he puts into a candle holder that he also gets from his bag. This is when Bokuto stops drinking and puts the soda to the ground, slowly, to crawl towards Tetsurou who tries to light the candles despite the light breeze.
He just reaches into his satchel again to rget the flowers he carefully put there, when he feels Bokuto hover behind him. So he turns around, looking him straight in the eyes.
He sees wonder. Confusion. This weird happiness when Bokuto is surprised and doesn’t know what’s happening.
“Tetsu? You’re shitting me, aren’t you?”
Tetsurou just laughs silently, finally getting the candles to work.
“I’m not. I told you I carried our candlelight dinner.”
“It’s not even dinner time!”
“Are you trying to make a point? Because I can totally not see it, Bo.”
Bokuto huffs an exasperated breath, watching as Tetsurou finishes setting up their eating-place. He’s happy, Tetsurou thinks, thank god.
He gestures Bokuto to sit down in front of him, taking his paper bag himself and settling down to get his meal. Bokuto just stares, eyes wide in wonder, before he snatches out of it and grabs his bag and the soda, hurrying to take a seat. But when he hovers over the blanket, he turns careful all of a sudden, and Tetsurou watches as he cautiously takes a seat on the blanket, minding the candles and the flowers, and folds his limbs. When he looks up, he looks excited, and Tetsurou’s heart begins to beat even faster than it did before.
“Enjoy your meal, Bo.”
It’s almost funny to see Bokuto that stunned, just his delighted grin as a sign that he’s stoked for what’s coming.
They eat in relative silence, Tetsurou throwing glances at either Bokuto or the lake. The afternoon sun reflects on the surface of it, making it glitter in the sunlight. It’s beautiful and perfect and he thanks whatever deity might watch over him right now because it couldn’t have gone any better until now.
As weird as it could be that their usual chatter is missing, he feels oddly comfortable in this silence. Bokuto seems to enjoy it too, leaning back on one hand, munching away on his burger, a content look on his face.
When both their burgers are eaten and the drinks are set aside for later, Tetsurou turns once again and reaches into his bag. Bokuto gapes at him, lifting his hands to his head to pull his hair.
“I can’t believe you! What’s the meaning of this, Tetsu?? I don’t get it! Did I miss your birthday? Did I miss my birthday?”
Tetsurou just chuckles, again, putting the things he brought onto the blanket in front of them.
“This is a photo from our first match against each other. I was kind of embarrassing when I think back but you didn’t seem to mind my cool-kidTM attitude since you zeroed in on me pretty fast after that match to tell me you’d 'beat me into the ground next time' while crying. That was pretty … outstanding. I totally admired you for that. Even though Akaashi had to save the last of your dignity back then.”
Bokuto had listened carefully, eyes on Tetsurou the whole time, just once blinking down and looking at the photo. When he finishes Bokuto immediately huffs, looking to the side, a slight blush on his face.
“You were pretty cool, dumbass. I wanted you to notice me after losing so badly that first time.”
“Well, you certainly accomplished that,” Tetsurou grins. Then he continues.
“This is the ticket when we went to see that horrible action movie together. You loved it and I loved it how you loved it. I witnessed you outside of school or volleyball for the first time back then, and what can I say, you … charmed me. You were like no one I had ever met before.”
He has to pause, take a deep breath and calm his mind and fingers. He’s shaking a bit, but in a good way. Even if Bokuto finds this completely horrible and disgusting, he’ll feel good having done this.
But looking up to reassure himself that Bokuto is still watching, Tetsurou is pleasantly surprised.
Bokuto is blushing a deep red, frowning, soft and unbelieving eyes fixed on the memories in front of them. Tetsurou bites his lips to hide a grin.
“This is a coupon from that one gay club we went to when we turned 20. You had told me that you liked men when we had our first sleepover together, and so we made a promise to visit one when we turn 20. And we did. We always did stupid shit together and I loved it. You kept your words when no one else would, were spontaneous when I needed it to get out of my self inflicted cave, and it always felt like you showed me how to live my life the right way.”
He throws Bokuto a smile. Pulling his strength from the emotional high he rides on right now, he goes on and on, laying down thing after thing. He feels lighter with everything he puts down, as if he lets go of all the weight those memories put on him.
As if he’d lay out his heart to Bokuto.
“… and then you started singing that Kyary Pamyu Pamyu song and everyone started screaming. I filmed that, I just can’t remember where I saved it. Glorious times.”
He pauses, nothing left to show. He takes a deep breath, looks down on the pictures and tokens he brought with him and let’s go. Then he looks up and finds a crying Bokuto.
His heart stops for a moment and he just stares for several seconds before he scrambles forward and puts one hand on Bokuto’s shoulder and one on his cheek, searching his eyes.
But what he finds there isn’t hurt or anger.
“Bo, I’m sorry, what-”
“You asshole …!”
Tetsurou halts, confused. Did he read him wrong? He can’t figure out what’s going on, his thoughts suddenly tangle, why would Bokuto-
But then Bokuto speaks and the world stands still.
“I love you too. I love you so much you dumb jerk. I love your derpy face and your stupid hair, I love your-“ Bokuto hiccups, bringing his arms around Tetsurou’s neck, “cigarette breath after a long night out or a long talk when you feel down and smoke. I love it when you look at me when you don’t understand something you’re studying. I-” another hiccup, Tetsurou closes his eyes, “love it when you use that brilliant silver tongue of yours and talk like that, so no one can figure you out. I love how you act so cool but are the biggest marshmallow I ever met. Seriously, candle light dinner?” A barking laugh, shaken by tears and more hiccups, “A-anyways … I just … I’m so mad at you and myself. That you never told me and that I never figured it out. Because you were always there and it just went without saying for me, you know? I … never thought we would get this far …”
He doesn’t continue, either having lost his train of thought or simply not knowing what to say. They merely breathe for a short time. Birds are chirping in the distance, a child is crying somewhere far away.
“Tetsu …?” Bokuto asks after a minute of silence.
“I hate Akiba,” Tetsurou blurts out.
More silence, Bokuto’s shocked look.
Oh shit, Tetsurou thinks.
Then he laughs, light and loud, and Tetsurou feels like every door just swung wide open. He takes one hand off Bokuto, laying it over his face to hide his blush, but he can’t hold back his laugh. So he joins Bokuto, and they laugh together. Soon he also joins him on the grass, since they can’t seem to stop and are lying on the ground now, clutching at each other, shedding tears of joy.
“I can’t believe you were jealous! Fuck, bro!”
“Shut up! He acted like your supreme posh-ass noble whore, I totally freaked out!”
“Jealous, I say! Don’t even try to deny it!”
Tetsurou swats Bokuto on his arm and in the twinkling of an eye they’re wrestling again, and before anyone of them knows it, their lips meet and they kiss. The heat of the moment, all their joy and the energy of finally getting together are gone, and there’s pure love there, all of a sudden. Love and peace and the feeling of finally having found home in each other. Nothing matters, not their past and not the future, and Tetsurou feels like he might faint.
Bokuto’s lips are soft and full against his, even though they have always looked so slim. They feel strong, manly. Tetsurou loves kissing him.
They fall into a game of a teasing push and pull. One of them starts to move against the other’s lips, opening their mouth, searching. The other gives in, pushing back.
Soon they are reduced to a panting mess, Bokuto red all over his face but not giving up in the slightest. Tetsurou hovers over him, hands in his shirt and hair. It feels so good, he never wants it to stop.
“Koutarou,” he whispers, again and again, and Bokuto whines, squirming against him.
“Fuck, Tetsu, I wanna-”
“Koutarou …”
Bokuto’s moan ripples through him like thunder and Tetsurou has to back off a bit and looks at his friend. He looks absolutely ravished, even though they have just been kissing. Tetsurou has to swallow hard and force his lower regions to calm the fuck down or he’ll come in his pants immediately.
A breathy laugh escapes from the lips beneath him and he looks at Bokuto again.
“I’m so horny right now, I feel like I’m 14 again.”
“Same, Bro.”
They look at each other. Watch, as a smile starts to bloom on the other’s face.
“We’re a mess,” Tetsurou finally says, lifting himself off of Bokuto a bit and giving him some space to also sit up and scratch his head.
“Well, at least I’m not the only one who has to run through the streets with a raging boner.”
“Definitely something to feel good about.”
~
To: “Kouzume Kenma” [email protected], “Akaashi Keiji” [email protected], “Tsukishima Kei” [email protected], 10 others …
From: “Bokuto Koutarou” [email protected]
Subject: 3 years brosomeness
___
hey hey hey my goodest friends!
I’m sure you have all been witnesses in some kind of way to the amazing occurrence of me and the babe “happening” 3 years ago. and since we graduated university some time ago (at least some of us *wink wink* the cool ones *wink wink*) we thought we might throw a party to celebrate that!
we thought we’d have a massive picnic at “the lake” you all surely must know out of the great tales of our finding each other. anyways, move your asses there on july 25th because we’ll have one helluva party.
feel tightly hugged y’all and tetsu says he’s sorry, tsukki, he still loves you and kenma, he’ll make it up to you. he sure has specialsnoflakefriends (I love you too special snowflakes)
kuroo & bokuto
ღ꒡ ᴈ꒡)♡⃛(꒡ε ꒡ღ
__