Chapter Text
Sᴄᴇɴᴇ 17
"𝖨 𝖽𝗈𝗇'𝗍 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗈 𝖿𝖾𝖾𝗅 𝗋𝖾𝗅𝗂𝖾𝖿 𝗈𝗋 𝖽𝖾𝗌𝗉𝖺𝗂𝗋. 𝖨 𝖽𝗈 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝗁𝗈𝗐𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋, 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖨 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎. 𝖴𝗇𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗍𝗎𝗇𝖺𝗍𝖾𝗅𝗒."
...The sun is blinding me again, really I should invest in some blinds or curtains because I already have a trusty alarm clock which can wake me up while not ruining my eyes. It always wakes me up like this. It's harsh but I'm used to it. Nowadays I don't have anything to do except get some groceries, cook food and clean up the house a little, like chores but instead it's not annoying and stressful. I do want to brainstorm ideas for a new game anyways. People liked the game I published and I like people who like me.
But I promised my fans I'll take a little break. After all they already read all of the things 𝔥𝔢 did to me. The document didn't blow up, obviously. Not like I wanted it to but at least my fans got the point etched into their heads... other than that I have nothing to do. It's like a waste of creative space. Ever since I cut him off, I've been less interested in world building and more interested in just finishing this game. This was supposed to be a hobby, yet I still feel soulless and empty whilst doing it sometimes. He messed me up that badly, didn't he?... But it's alright now, I'm fine and I've escaped. I'm free from him.
Even if I brush my teeth and reach the enamel, it'll never scrub away of what he did to me. Yet I loved him and my feelings are confusing. And honestly, I don't mind if my feelings are confusing as long as hate is at the top of them, major and big. The one feeling that I'll always have. My game was better without him and he just wanted to steal everything from me. And here I was, stupid enough to think he liked me; No. I thought he didn't just like me, he 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 me. He wanted to be with me. He wanted to 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦 me. But the only thing he ever achieved was at the pinnacle of destructive obsession, he would have stood still and always say "𝘸𝘦" or "𝘐". And it's always "we", "I", "us", "me" but never "𝘺𝘰𝘶". Never ever did he love me without him at the priority first. He idolized me, he wanted to become the perception of me in his eyes. Did he know I was always this bad? Yes. But did he care? No. He never acknowledged them. He just considered me as top of the world, like a god for his own legacy whilst I considered him nothing but as a friend. Cutting him off was right, but a human can always feel guilty no matter what.
I should stop these swirling thoughts in my head. Just focus on my routine and life now, because now I'm safe and he can't find me, I hope he gives up and he won't find me now. But I knew him for to long to know that he never gives up. He never will give up. And that thought will always run through my brain like a mouse from a cat, like a hunter pouncing on their prey while the prey itself, cried in pain. Such metaphors always made my head ache.
__________________________
Maybe it was the autumn breeze that had mingled with the warm breath of mine, or maybe the sound of leaves crunching under my footsteps were comforting, but it was a calm, soft and slow day. It felt free. I felt free. Free from everything negative, because it's the sole truth. The truth itself being that once you care about yourself, it'd be better. My pride had always been.. unique. I never wanted to let my pride go down, possibly that's why I have such an ego, but yet, when mixed with my low self esteem... it's like a bittersweet concoction, a resemblance to a cold wind that huddled up your arms when the altitude was high. But to think positive all the time is hard too, so just care about yourself first.
I've been thinking a bit deeper into my feelings lately, "self care" or whatever they call it. I didn't even notice I had passed the grocery store and came closer to the gym instead, now I have to walk two blocks back, which is annoying but not that bad. Think of it as exercise! I'm not exactly the healthiest person anyways...
Milk costs 10 tix now... and tomatoes? 6 tix! What even are these prices?! This is a scam in broad daylight honestly... annoying but I've made enough money from my game to live peacefully. Coming back to this house always feels unique yet strange. It feels so cozy and soft, just how I like it. I mean, I like having loud music so I can just blast some songs while cooking without worrying others. Well, it's time to cook now. What recipe should I make? Possibly something like a simple sandwich, although I hope there's not a pink worm dangling outside of it... again.. it felt like it was from space or something. A sandwich and bloxy cola, that'd be nice. Easy, not time consuming and fulfilling to my needs. I never ate that much anyways, probably because my family never made anything tasty, at least for me it wasn't.
This reminds me of the time when I used to cook with him. I don't miss him, that'd be idiotic but those nice memories... when he didn't act like the person I know now... I wonder what he even is doing with his life. Possibly just slumping down on the couch while watching TV and eating pizza. Always butting into my game and adding dialogues I don't even want. Half of them were definitely stolen anyways. He didn't have talent for writing, he had skills. Just like I said, he always takes and takes and takes and takes and takes and takes and takes and-
*BEEP*
Oh... it's finished. Finally I could warm this bread up, the toaster isn't working nowadays so I'll buy a new one. Right... what should I watch now? Maybe a new series or a little movie! It's exciting to watch movies and try out new stuff! My day was going good, better than usual considering some circumstances. However, I felt pretty calm and chill today which is a nice change for once. The world isn't just about making games and earning money anyways, taking breaks has been scientifically proven to make a hobby seem like a hobby rather than a hobby seem like a chore. But honestly nothing could ruin my day, at least not in a impactful way.
"BREAKING NEWS, YOUNG ADULT- A GREY SKINNED ROBLOXIAN WITH A BLUE TORSO AND A RED HAT WAS SEEN JUMPING OFF A BUILDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT"
Urk... news like these always make my day moody. I possibly jinxed it, didn't I? It's sad and sickening on how someone could take their own life, my condolences to them. ...But there was a little lingering feeling creeping up my chest, and then my brain. It was telling me to watch it. I don't know nor understand where this thought came from but I tried to brush it away. The victim did sound familiar, it sounded like someone I knew, someone I've never truly left, someone that I'm guilty for. And unfortunately... I wanted to look at it, it was probably just some kind hearted robloxian anywa-
"On January 24th, 20XX, A grey skinned robloxian with a blue torso with a "Ouija" board imprint and a red hat, identified as "Ivan *****" was seen in the middle of the night, falling off a building by a local Pizza delivery guy who was driving his truck. Detectives have confirmed this was a suicide due to a note that Ivan had left for a anonymous person, symbolized by the letter "A" and how Ivan continuously talked about wanting "A" back. Unfortunately the corpse of Ivan is in a bad state due to Ivan suffering brain damage and his cerebrum spilling open with blood scattered all over the road. Ivan's face cannot be identified well as the autopsy has shown that when Ivan had fell down, a big vehicle had ran right over him, thus his body being unretrievable. He is now being handed to a funeral site. As for the vehicle driver, it was identified that they were driving a truck whilst intoxicated with alcohol and hence arrested for drunk driving. Please make sure everyone at your house and your loved ones are safe."
The suicide hotline number flashed while an ad came up for a upcoming hospital. I didn't care though. Ivan... the Ivan I had cut off had suicided?... Tears keep forming in my eye but I'm not crying. But I knew I would have sobbed in the past. I didn't want to eat, I had lost my appetite and I felt like vomiting out food I never swallowed. It was a joke. This was a joke because I'm not going to believe that he gave up. He talked so much about leaving a legacy and now he didn't have anything. Why was it like this? Why did I feel like this? and I knew that I hated him, but that was just a majority. The rest, possibly around twenty percent was the fact that I used to love him. I don't love him anymore but when I sent that message saying that I escaped and I would be posting evidence of the abuse at midnight and I would publish my game without you in the credits and you can't find me anymore... I still said I loved you. I still said that I loved him in that message. Because it was true. I loved him and now it's this twisted, garbled up mess of emotions in my head when I've tried hard to forget you. And now the fact that it was all in vain because the screen will stare at me and say the words that you've died is horrible. You were the worst person in my life but I never will wish death for you
Maybe because the fact that I forced myself and pretended that you were dead to me in my mind, you wouldn't need to die in real life. Alas, I'm bad at having feelings of intensity. It's a grudge I'll succumb to while your ghost mingles around my head and haunts me in my dreams. In the mean time I'll try to forget. I'll scratch myself so much that the flesh spills out, I'll hold my breath until I'll pass out, I'll let the blood drip until the whole tub is filled, I'll pull my hair until the roots showed my pink brain, I'll itch my own back until the spine is shown, I'll smoke until my lungs are black, I'll pull my strings until my medulla is left. But yet those are only distractions for the inevitable, as you, Ivan, the person I used to love, left an imprint in my mind. And you've cursed me with your legacy and false love that I'll never be able to forget you. Even on my birthday I wouldn't forget you, even on my wedding I wouldn't forget you, even when I was born I was destined to never forget you and when I die, I wouldn't forget you but I would wish that you were at least the second last person to flash between my eyes as I would share the last place with someone who loved me rather than someone who only loved me for my talent.
I know that I'm "A" in the letter. I know that you wrote it for me. And the fact that I know I was the last person that flashed into your mind while you fell to your death makes me disgusted. You made me like this Ivan. You made me into a person I would hate. And yet I still long for one "you" from your mouth instead of it being about "us".
It isn't my fault, but still, I'm sorry.