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Did the sun become more warm? Did the orange sky get more bright? Did their lunch smell much better?
Santiago’s eyes couldn’t be brighter. His eyes shone with happiness comparable to the one of a shooting star as the skin on his face gained a soft red color the more his heart beat with strength. The jock didn’t expect that his very, very dear friend would actually say that he liked him, like a crush! But for some reason, it felt nice. Warm.
However, he still couldn’t contain his grin and poke at Swan’s shoulder as he leaned down to look directly at the goth’s eyes. After all, he couldn’t be talking for real. With all the “bro dates” where they just looked around for Juliet, Santiago could see how the goth was drooling for the cheerleader. It was clear who had Swan’s heart.
—I knew it! I knew it from the beginning when I saw you lookin’ at me funny like that! —the jock teased with a singsong voice, lying in between his chuckles—. You couldn’t hide it for long-
—Stop laughing!
Swan interrupted Santiago’s playful attitude as he snapped with a loud remark that rubbed the yell. Standing off the ground like the cracking of a whip. The jock’s smile slowly faded as he quickly noticed how Swan wasn’t laughing, wasn’t being snarky or smart. This wasn’t the usual Swan that Santiago formed a friendship with. Something was wrong.
Santiago tilted his head to the side, frowning with confusion. He still didn’t understand what he may have said that made the goth so angry. Was it that he was laughing at him? Did he poked the bear too much? Maybe it was how he implied that Swan was gay? But he usually doesn’t care when they joke like that.
Whatever it was, Santiago felt guilty. A squeeze that became stronger the longer the silence felt between them. The ambiance of happiness and silliness, becoming awkward and distant. The jock slowly stranded up as well, abandoning his lunch on the grass. He opened mouth to talk.
—Uh… —he mumbled, his jaw hanging open like a fish—. I didn’t want to make you mad, I was just playin’ around…Why did you get angry tho’?
The question itself was enough to make Swan scrunch his face with frustration. His hands covering his face and going up to grab at his messy locks out of the pure physical pain he felt listening to those words. His thoughts, his body, everything was flaring like if he just got an allergic reaction. His brain didn’t shut up even once, the saddening thoughts flooded him to the point that he felt his lungs breathing in all the water of his tears that stinged his eyes. He was overflowing with sentiment.
—Are you okay? Um…Really, I didn’t want to make you feel-
—¡No! No I’m fucking not! I’m like this because of you!
Santiago’s expression changed momentarily, his eyes widening, his eyebrows shooting up as a sad and worried expression etched on his features. It hurt more than it should to hear that from Swan’s mouth. Santiago considered himself a friend, sometimes a protector every time some mean bullies came to make Swan’s life impossible, even if the bullies sometimes picked at him as well.
He wasn’t supposed to hurt him, to make him cry, to make him rage. He was supposed to make him laugh, even if it was at him and not with him. He wanted to see a smile.
How can a guy be so dumb? So fucking slow, and an idiot, and stupid, and a weirdo that never stayed still…but the goth still felt these unwanted feelings for him. He hated to admit that Santiago was the one that now made him feel so much emotion that he felt alive. That it made his heart feel like a ticking bomb about to explode at any moment. He doesn’t feel like he can take it in anymore now. He was about to explode.
The blue eyes of the goth locked in with the jock’s brown ones, each other noticing the small shine of tears building up in their water line. None of them wanted to let them flow. However, it didn’t take much for Swan’s overwhelming feeling of anger, guilt, and jealousy to make his messy black eyeshadow start running down his cheeks, marking the streak against the white base.
—You…You…! —the goth couldn’t seem to push those words out of his dry lips, wires of doubt and fear of rejection clawed at his throat. — How can’t you even see this?! You blind fuck! You're so…oblivious…! Ugh!
Santiago was out of words, he was so confused, hurted, lost. What was he supposed to do? All the rights he has gained after months of building a friendship, a trust between them; the right to comfort, to hug him, to hold him, to joke, everything seemed to crush and escape in between his fingers for a supposed mistake that he has made. And it felt irreparable.
The taller guy’s face seemed to deform slowly, his lips puckering and his brows knitted together. That sorry expression, pained by how Swan was unconsciously reacting, made the goth just stop on his tracks for a moment. His mind was blank, no sound aside from the heavy breathing coming from Swan and the ruffling of clothes under Santi’s fist could be heard as the wind howled.
Anger felt so natural, it was his best weapon. He couldn’t bear to feel weak, to feel so naked and vulnerable. He was a dog that growled more than bites, but his bared teeth could make anyone want to stay away from him. The snarls that came out seemed to intimidate and hurt more than his own small and weak baby teeth.
He has forgotten how it was to show his own feelings without being mad about it. Even to the ones that he deemed to trust and love. It was eating him alive.
—¡I like you! — like a bomb, he simply exploded with these bottled emotions. — ¡I love you! I’m actually in fucking love with you! I love your crooked teeth! I love your broken nose! I love your dumb laugh! Is that clear enough?!
His voice became an octave higher, his throat hurting from the desperate wails and screams. It felt like he was dying and ascending to heaven. Slowly all these words he has been thinking in silence, overflowing in the form of a deformed face, closed eyes that squeezed dark tears out and arms compulsively guarding his scrawny figure.
—Does…Does it happen to you too? — the goth gulped.
Santiago couldn’t react in time. Hearing those words made him feel such a relief, like a big weight was pulled off him that finally made him release the tears that his lachrymals were saving this whole time. He was frozen in place. He couldn’t believe.
His eyes were opened like plates, shining with hope and sadness. Suddenly, the jock’s body seemed to move on its own, his hand reaching forward. It all went so fast, he pulled in, an unconscious muscle contraction made his arms close like a vice grip. In the blink of an eye, he had the goth now secured against his chest, like if he was guarding him of something. What or who? He himself didn’t know. He just needed to hold him.
Just having the one that was basically stealing his dreams every night, the one that he has dedicated all the songs that his mom has ever dedicated to his dad, the one that made his days brighter by being the shadow that contrasted so beautifully while being surrounded by the plasticky and neon colors of their school. He felt so warm.
His heart was tickling with butterflies, his nerves on fire as he felt the urge to jump, to hit the air, to do anything to release this energy that his first crush has always made him feel. The aroma of Swan’s hair and body, though pungent and violent, was now what bringed comfort to Santiago. He wished to be like this forever.
The jock’s calloused hand gripped Swan’s shoulder and kneaded it slowly, squeezing it in an attempt to bring solace to Swan’s strong feelings. The goth hated the touch. He was even scared of it. All he has known and expected was people stabbing him from behind, using his wants, his wishes for someone to actually understand or even just like him. Anyone near him was a potential danger, full of fakeness that he had to snarl his way out of. Get them away from him as fast as possible.
But this was nice…so nice.
A hug. It felt quite different from the hugs Santiago has always given Swan, this one felt sensible. Caring and meaning. It didn’t have the intention to play, to mess around, to show theatrical attention. Santiago cared for him, it hurted him to see Swan so affected and scared. Every tear that fell from those small eyes and the shrilling voice that echoed through the lonely wind, chipped away the soft heart of the jock. He couldn't bear to see him like this.
The goth just couldn’t resist to release a breath he didn’t know he was holding, sighing deeply as he just rested his face on Santiago’s shoulder. His mind hurted, his ears ringed slightly and his heated up skin felt the gentle thumping of Santiago’s pulse on his neck. The smell reminded Swan of an orange being peeled, citrus invading his senses. He never noticed how good the jock smelled until now, too used to the musky sweat that coated the chilean’s sun-kissed skin. Was it a new perfume?
Santiago could feel how Swan relaxed on his arms. His mind was blank, he had no actual thoughts. All was so silent, the only thing present being their raw, savory feelings. His hand moved by itself, desperately trying to find Swan’s one, like a need. Once he found the thin and boney fingers, he didn’t let go. His thumb brushed over the goth’s white knuckles, massaging the tight skin around them that slowly, but surely, became much softer and flexible.
The jock’s arms unfolded from the goth’s body to bring their intertwined hands up to his lips, his kisses echoed on the howling wind, leaving a passionate red mark on the back of Swan’s hand. He held Swan’s hand tightly, but with a softness that Santiago could only express with Swan only. Using his both hands, almost like a prayer to the universe, to God to let this keep real, begging that this wasn’t a dream. He yearned for this secretly since that day that he noticed how much he desired to have that beautiful smile just shine upon him.
Santiago didn’t need words to express how happy he was. He wished upon every star in the sky that this day could come some day, to make it possible. Never in his life has he expected his yearning to become corresponded.
He lowered Swan’s hand and made it rest right over his sternum that beat with a strength that felt as if his ribs were going to shatter at any moment. The silence was palpable, there didn’t need to be any other word, as Santiago’s body spoke with sincerity.
The goth’s hand softly caressed the curved bone underneath the chilean’s clothes, tapping with his fingers the soft muscle that protected that passionate organ that was dancing with euphoria at the simple touch coming from the person that stole it and now had it in between his fingers, playing and squeezing with it unconsciously…or maybe a bit consciously.
Santiago leaned forward, his eyes bearing into Swan’s ones, their breath mixing with each other and hitting their faces, feeling the warmth heat the skin of their lips, itching them to get closer. A shine illuminated Santiago’s brown eye, his pupils focusing on Swan’s lips for a moment before coming back to enjoy the blue depths, losing himself in their light, their gorgeous colour and their look.
—¿Si me pasa? Obvio que si. Lo quería tanto que soñaba todo’ los dia’ que me quiera como te quero’ yo.
Maybe Swan didn't understand what was being said phonetically, but he could feel that velvety tone of voice laced in between those words. He simply let himself be. He was tired already, of hiding himself from the ones he felt like dying for because of his own stupidity and cowardice. There was nothing to hide now, he has exploded, he is now crazy for more. The moment he took a taste of what actual love felt like, he got addicted. What he thought were crushes, the loves of his life, his little obsessions, didn’t compare to the silent want of getting his love purified and his soul being softened by the one that taught him how to enjoy with honesty.
The goth’s eyes looked down at Santiago’s lips as well, marvelling with the sweet shine that reminded him of a candy apple at a fair. Both of their eyes danced between their lips, their nose and eyes like a metronome going back and forward. Santiago's cheeks gained a soft rosé tint as a shy smile curved his lips as a warm hold of a cheek. His eyes asked for permission, puppy eyes that blinked with a small pout on his lower lips.
—Hey, stop that already! — a sonorous cackle came out from him, mimicking the caws of the crows roaming around at this hour.
—¡Ay! Que eri’ penoso! — the jock whined as he circled Swan's waist with his arms, balancing him from side to side.
—Not to sound racist, but stop with the Spanish. Can't understand you like that!
—Will you understand me better like this?
Santiago hovered over Swan, hesitating for a fleeting moment until he saw that teasing smile on the goth's face. It was all he needed to close that torturing gap between them. Their lips cuddled against each other in a tight and playful kiss, both of their cheeks hurting from them smiling so cheerfully at the definitive marrying of their feelings.
They were glued together, when one wanted to separate, the other chased after them like a dog wagging its tail. Each other pushed in and out, arms and legs flailing and covering silly hits. The push and pull ended with them falling on the vibrant grass of the highschool's surroundings, that being the only reason why they separated from each other.
Swan looked up at the image he was witnessing that he could just describe as an overly excited dog, panting with black lips and laughing like a child. The goth couldn't contain the bubbling laugh that just didn't seem to stop. Even though Swan seemed to fight back and push Santiago away, he enjoyed feeling the weight on top of him that felt like a heavy and cozy blanket. A cozy blanket that was sweating all over him.
—Get off me already! You mutt! —he protested as his arms and legs threw themselves around Santiago's waist and neck.
—Ay, mi pajarito…