Archive of Our Own

I swallowed hard, staring at the shiny red train in front of me and barely hearing my parent's final instructions. This was it... I was off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Mum kissed me on the cheek.

"Be good, Remus," she said. "Write often."

I nodded vaguely, a nervous pit forming in my stomach. Dozens of other children of all ages laughed and talked and kissed their families and crowded onto the train. I had never seen so many children before in my life. We had always kept away just incase...

"You'd better get on now," Dad said, giving me a firm clap on the back. "Don't forget... Keep to the rules. It's best for your safety and everyone else's."

That I understood. I gave him a quick little nod and tried to look as tall and brave as an eleven year old could.

With one last kiss from Mum and proud (and worried) look from Dad, I was on the train and looking for an open seat. I should have boarded sooner, since most of the cars were all filled up and the emptier ones had kids older than me. I didn't really want to sit with 14 year olds who might pick on a first year.

Finally I found one mostly empty car; there were only two other boys, both with jet black hair, laughing and half wrestling each other for the seat closest to the window.

As I stood there awkwardly, torn between asking them if I could sit with them and wondering if it would be better to just go in and sit down, they looked up and saw me.

"Well, are you going to stand there or are you going to sit?" one of them asked with a cocky sort of smile.

"May I?"

"Plenty of room," the other said. He had grey eyes, the colour the sky gets before a storm. He gestured to the open seat and gave me an encouraging smile, one that made me smile in return.

"Thank you," I mumbled as I ducked into the car.

"Your first year?" the first boy asked.

I nodded quickly.

"Ours too," he continued. "I'm James."

"Remus." I shook the hand he offered to me.

"Sirius Black," the other said, shaking my hand as well. "Pleasure to meet you, Remus."

"Are you two brothers?" I asked before I could stop myself.

They looked at each other and then laughed. "No, not at all," James answered.

"Although given the inbreeding of purebloods, I'd be surprised if we weren't related somehow," retorted Sirius.

James shoved him. "Shut up, most notable house Black. No, we've just been friends for ages. What about you? Have any siblings at Hogwarts?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm an only child."

"Same," James said as Sirius said, "Lucky."

We lapsed into silence for a minute.

"When's your birthday?" Sirius asked me.

"March 10th."

"I'm in March too!" James grinned. "The 27th."

"And I'm older than both of you," Sirius said with pride. "November 3rd."

"How embarrassing," James mocked. "You'll turn 12 in our first year. Oldest in the class."

"Whatever, I'll come of age before you and that's all that matters."

I stared at them in bewilderment and awe. It had been so long since I had had children my own age to play with that I barely knew how to interact with them. There was a sort of jealousy in me to watch these two tease each other so effortlessly, but an excitement too. I could be like that someday.

"What houses are you hoping to be sorted into?" I asked, eager to prove myself in conversation.

"Well, my dad was in Gryffindor and my mom was Hufflepuff," James answered. "So either of those would be good for me. Anything but Ravenclaw, honestly. I hear they have study parties and honestly those are two words that just don't go together."

Sirius' face had gone dark and he was staring out the window. "Anything but Slytherin," was his short reply.

James saw his change in expression and smiled a little sheepishly. "His whole family's Slytherin and right proud of it. But his dad's a prat so Sirius is pretty anti-Slytherin."

I felt a sudden knot in my stomach, a desire to absolutely be sorted anywhere but Slytherin in a need to impress my new friends. What if I got sorted into the wrong house? What if I ended up having no friends? Dad had said I could always go home, that he'd continue teaching me, but that would make me look like a failure and a coward.

"What about you?" James asked. "Where do you want to go?"

I startled out of my racing thoughts. "Oh... Well, my dad was Hufflepuff so I guess I could fit there."

"What about your mother?"

"Mum's a muggle. Never went."

This information seemed to delight Sirius who turned back from looking out the window at the passing scenery with a grin on his face. "A Muggle, really? So you must know all the Muggle bands then."

I looked a little sheepish. "Not all of them," I admitted. "Mum and Dad didn't listen to a lot of music other than old opera records and some Bobby Darin."

"Okay, but what about Led Zeppelin?"

The rest of the train ride dissolved into happy debates about current rockstars, both in the Wizard world and Muggle world. Sirius actually knew a lot of Muggle artists that I had never heard of while James was ignorant in all things Muggle. I knew enough about both worlds to keep myself from saying anything too stupid. I instantly relaxed into their world of laughs and playfulness. Once I almost slipped, however, when Sirius teased me about not having listened to The Who.

"How can you not have heard of the Who? Were you raised by wolves or something?"

I may have laughed too hard as I tried to cover up my secret. They couldn't know. I wouldn't let them.

At last, we arrived at the school. To say I was daunted was an understatement. It was a huge castle! Complete with towers! And a lake! And a giant tree! And green houses! And... And... It was overwhelming! Neither James not Sirius seemed too put off by it, but I assumed that was natural, them having grown up entirely immersed in the wizard world and all. I found myself nervously shifting back and forth as we waited to enter the Great Hall.

"Here it is, lads," James grinned, putting his arms around Sirius and, to my surprise, me in a familiar way. "Our destiny."

A sniff to my left caught my attention and I turned to see a grubby looking boy with greasy hair standing there, eyes cast down to the ground. He looked about as nervous as I did and I felt a swell of sympathy towards him. A short redheaded girl with freckles was standing next to him, bouncing on her toes and talking a mile a minute in her excitement.

"Oh my goodness," she chirped. "What about Slytherin? Maybe we'll get put there! We could be in the same house!"

"Only bad witches and wizards get put in Slytherin," Sirius interrupted.

I have never seen a pair of green eyes look so much like fire. I was surprised that Sirius didn't combust on the spot.

"You..." she all but growled. She took a step in front of her friend defensively and for a moment I thought she was going to punch Sirius. "Can't you just mind your own business?"

James stood next to Sirius with his arms crossed over his chest. "We all go to school together now so your business is our business. Besides he was just stating the facts. Dirty evil doers come out of Slytherin."

The greasy haired boy shifted and avoided looking at them. My heart squeezed uncomfortably as I wondered if I had fallen in with the bullies, but the moment of conscience soon left as the doors to the Great Hall were flung open wide and we were ushered in.

If I had been overwhelmed before, I now was breathless as I stared up at the ceiling, which was there and wasn't there at the same time, so we could see the sunset through the roof. Students at the tables applauded us as we came in and cheered for their houses, encouraging us to join them.

At the front of the room, a battered looking hat sat on a stool. The Sorting Hat, that would decide our place in this school for the next seven years.

We were called alphabetically, and the first to go, somebody named Anna Ahmed, was sorted into Ravenclaw. James grinned at us and muttered, "One for the geek house." I assumed that Sirius would be the next to go, but another Black was called first, a girl who looked nothing like Sirius with angel fine blonde hair and a proud look. "My cousin," Sirius said to me as she was sorted into Slytherin. "Narcissa making the family proud again."

When it was his turn to go, I watched him for signs of nervousness, but he had a calm, almost lazy look on his face despite a clenched fist that dug into his side. The Sorting Hat was placed on his head and immediately yelled out, "Gryffindor!"

His face broke into a grin as he nearly ran to the Gryffindor table and was clapped on the back by older students. He flashed a thumbs up sign to James and James pumped his fist in the air triumphantly.

The redheaded girl (named Lily Evans, apparently) was also sorted into Gryffindor. She beamed like she had just been given a prize and waved once to her friend who pretended not to see.

Eventually it was my turn. I sat on the stool, painfully aware of everybody's eyes on me. I noticed one of the professors, a tall lady with a severe looking face and twinkling eyes, tap her fingers on the table and watch me keenly. Our eyes made contact and she gave me a small nod as if to say, "I know who you are. I know what you're bringing to this school." Her eyes were not unkind, but very alert and I felt myself growing cold with nervousness.

I almost jumped a mile as the hat was placed on me and I heard a voice speaking inside my head, scratchy and old.

"Well, Remus Lupin... You've seen many things for one so small."

I gulped. I hadn't been expecting that. To be honest, I don't know what I was expecting, but not that.

"So young and you've already known such fear. Where should you go, hmmmm?"

I wanted to speak and say, "Anywhere, just as long as I don't have to be alone," but my mouth was glued shut, my jaw locked in my tense nervousness.

"Gryffindor!" the hat finally shouted, the word ringing in my ears and throughout the hall.

I heard the applause, but I was so numb, simply relieved that the hat didn't tell me to pack up my trunk and go home. Sirius clapped me on the back as I sat down next to him. "I knew we met on the train for a reason!" I heard him crow. The professor at the head table was still looking at me and she even gave me a small, tight smile. I nodded my head respectfully to her in return.

Sirius and I clapped and whooped for other students as they were sorted, regardless of where they went. But when the Sorting Hat was finally placed on James' head and he was sorted into Gryffindor, we both roared with so much excitement that a fifth year had to tell us to calm down. You'd have thought that I had known the two of them all my life, the way I got so excited that all three of us were in the same house.

Now that the three of us were all grouped together, we observed less of the sorting and focused more on talking about things we were excited about. I noticed that the greasy haired kid got sorted into Slytherin. Lily Evans cheered for him, "Go Severus!" But I could tell from the way that he glared at the floor that he would rather she didn't cheer like that and didn't want the attention. He looked sad and lonely, and part of me wished he had been sorted into Gryffindor, if only to be close to his friend.

Once everyone was sorted, Professor Dumbledore, the white bearded headmaster, rose and gave a small speech to welcome us. I wondered if he would look over at me, the boy he had personally invited to the school despite parental resistance, but he didn't and I was glad and disappointed at the same time. All I knew was that I wanted to impress him somehow. Actually, I wanted to impress everybody. I wanted to prove that I was capable of being here.

Eventually the welcoming feast came to an end and we were lead through the castle to our dormitories.

"Excuse me," squeaked the only other boy who had been sorted into Gryffindor. Peter, I remembered. "Will we be given a map of this place? It's so big!"

The prefect shook his head, but smiled. "No, sorry, mate. You'll figure it out soon enough though. It's not that big once you get used to it."

James had lost his cocky smile and was staring around as if he was trying to memorise the castle immediately. "They really should have a map though," he said.

"We could always make one," the boy named Peter suggested. He was shorter than me and had sandy blond hair, brown eyes, and a pair of huge front teeth that he hadn't quite grown into.

James nodded and was about to say something, but by that time, we'd stopped in front of a portrait of a fat lady, beautiful and regal in decadent robes. She smiled at us from within the frame, cooing about how sweet all the first years looked before finally accepting the password (Apple tart) from the prefect. The portrait swung forward, revealing a cozy common room filled with couches and plush chairs that didn't match, banners in Gryffindor red and gold strewn over the walls, book shelves and tables for studying, a massive fireplace that crackled with a warm flames, and spacious windows with cushioned window seats. The air in the room smelled like cinnamon and pumpkin pie and summer apples and home, filling me with warmth and happiness.

Up a flight of stairs to the left was the boys dormitory. James, Sirius, Peter, and I were all given one room to share. There were two gigantic four poster beds to each wall and an ornate window overlooking the grounds. To my surprise, our trunks were already there, placed each at the foot of our beds. My bed was one of the ones closest to the window.

Sirius flopped down on his bed, the one opposite mine. "This is AWESOME!"

"I know, right?" James jumped onto his bed. It was next to Sirius's. "This is going to be a good year."

"And we only have two days of classes before the weekend!" Sirius said, kicking off his shoes. "Then we can explore!"

I opened my trunk and began to sort through my stuff, unpacking the books and putting them on the night table. I wanted to be ready for classes tomorrow.

"What was your name again?" I asked the other boy, even though I knew. "Peter right?"

He was standing nervously next to his bed. His robes looked too big on him and he looked about as out of place as I had felt at the train station. He scratched his mousy hair nervously. "Peter Pettigrew."

I stopped my unpacking to shake his hand. "Remus Lupin."

Sirius sat up and jumped off the bed. "I'm Sirius Black."

"Black?" repeated Peter. "I know of your family."

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "Yeah, they think they're royalty."

James stood up on his bed and made a mock bow to Sirius. "Your highness, Prince of Black."

Sirius whipped around and tackled him, laughing. "Stop being an idiot and introduce yourself."

"I can't while you're on top of me!" James half laughed and half grumbled. Freeing himself from the tangle of arms and legs, he turned to Peter. "I'm James Potter."

Peter nodded in return. "James, Sirius, Remus. I can remember that."

"Well, you'd better!" Sirius laughed. "We're the only Gryffindor boys of our year."

"I was almost Slytherin," Peter said. "The hat was on me for a long time." He shifted awkwardly, as if wondering if he really belonged here.

I had failed to notice that. I think at the time I had been too busy kicking Sirius under the table for trying to shovel his peas onto my plate.

"Well, you're here now and that's what matters," James said. "Welcome to the crew."

"The crew?" I repeated, surprising myself with my new bravery in teasing him. "What are you, a pirate?"

This earned me a flying pillow to the face and a ridiculous battle erupted, with me and Peter defending our side of the room and James and Sirius valiantly fighting for theirs as pillows and shoes were tossed back and forth. We even used our newly acquired ties, bright and shiny in Gryffindor colours, as if they were whips or swords, tangling together amidst our laughs and shouts of delight. Our fun was put to an end by the prefect coming in, an annoyed expression on his face.

"You four need to quiet down and go to sleep!" he commanded. "We all have classes in the morning and you're disturbing the rest of the house."

"Yes, Mum," James muttered after he had gone, which sent us all into fits of giggles as we obediently changed into pyjamas and got into bed.

Exhausted, I closed my eyes and sank into the feather pillow. I was blissful and content. Not even the silver of the ever growing moon outside my window was enough to dampen my spirits right now. This was going to be a fantastic year.

***
Classes were amazing. And difficult. On the very first day, we were loaded up with so much homework that I thought my bag was going to burst with assignments. Charms instantly became my favourite class. We were allowed to actually USE magic! It was all theory when Dad was teaching me at home, but here we were expected to wave our wands and replicate what was demonstrated.

It also became immediately apparent that my new companions did not have the same motivation as I. James goofed off in classes and, while Sirius did take notes, they were riddled with drawings of stars and planets and sometimes remarkable good sketches of our professors. Peter took furious notes, but when I looked at them, I noticed that he was writing down things that had little to no bearing on the majority of what was being taught. Only Lily Evans could rival me in the amount of questions asked as she sat next to her sullen friend, her fiery red hair pulled up into pigtails with red ribbons, her hand constantly waving in the air as she soaked up as much as she could.

Those first two days were delightful, but as soon as the sun started setting, my mind would start racing. I grew pale and food lost its taste. It would happen soon.

The night before the full moon was drawing closer. I wondered how they would do it, get me away from the school. Professor Dumbledore said that there was a safe place for me. But would they drag me out? Take me away in chains? Would I get out in time? What if somebody found out? What if my new friends found out? The thoughts kept me awake or, if I was lucky enough to sleep, gave me nightmares that left me sweat drenched. Late at night, I would stare at the moon's growing circle from my bed.

"Why are you still awake?" Sirius whispered to me one night.

I couldn't shut my eyes and pretend to be asleep, I'd already been caught. I sat up in bed and shrugged. "Can't sleep," I whispered back. "Just watching the stars."

Quite as a ghost, Sirius slipped out of his bed and sat down on the edge of mine, giving me a small questioning look as if to ask, "Is this okay?" I nodded, but subconsciously my body forced me to scoot away from him a couple inches.

He made himself comfortable, crossing his legs underneath him and leaning back on one of the bed posters. "See that one?" He pointed out the window at the brightest star.

I nodded. "The Dog Star."

"My star," he corrected. "It's called Sirius, so it's mine."

I smiled. "Lucky you."

He just smiled back at me, that lazy smile he had. The nervous pit formed in my stomach again. What if he found out? He wouldn't be my friend anymore. Why would he want to stay friends with a monster?

"See the bad thing about that star," he continued, "is that it's directly under Orion. Orion is squishing Sirius. Orion doesn't want to see Sirius succeed."

I knew that he wasn't talking about stars anymore. "You heard from your father, didn't you?"

"Half the common room heard. He sent a howler."

I had been in the library and hadn't heard, but I felt sorry for him anyway. "He... He shouldn't be angry at you."

"I muddled up a life long family tradition of Blacks in Slytherin." He sighed, a crease in his brow the tell tale sign of his sadness. "I'm a disappointment."

"No you're not!" I said defensively at a louder volume than I meant to. Sirius shushed me as Peter snorted in the next bed and rolled over, muttering something about not having enough parchment. "You're not a disappointment," I reiterated in a whisper. "You're great. I haven't had real friends before now, but now I've got you and James and Peter and you all are great. We're none of us disappointments. We're... special."

He didn't say anything to that and I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment as we sat in the darkness.

"Look over there," he finally said, pointing to another constellation. "See that one?"

I nodded. "Yeah?"

"Those are your stars. It's Lupus. Close enough to Lupin." He smiled at me, all innocence. "It means wolf."

I knew that. I resented it, I feared it. All I could do was smile back at him as best I could and hope that he didn't put together the pieces. I kept thinking, "You think you're a disappointment? You haven't seen the real me." And then I offered up a little prayer to whatever gods would listen that he never would see the real me, the me that my father hated and wanted to keep hidden.

***

It happened at breakfast. The weekend excitement was upon us and we were talking loudly. The four of us were in the middle of trying to see if we could use the charm we had just learned yesterday to levitate pancakes into each other's mouths when Professor McGonagall approached us.

"Mr. Lupin," she said crisply. "I'm afraid we must take you away for the morning. We've had some rather urgent news."

I swallowed hard and stood up. Peter grabbed my arm.

"Hey, do you want one of us to come with you?" he asked, his great brown eyes filled with concern.

I shook my head. I knew exactly what this news was. "Thanks though. I'll catch up with you later."

"Follow me, Mr. Lupin," McGonagall said, leading the way out of the Great Hall.

I followed. And followed and followed. We walked straight out of the castle and continued towards the town that first year students were not allowed to go to. I wondered if she was taking me away from the school permanently.

"It was easier to take you at breakfast today and claim your parents are seeing you for the weekend holiday," Professor McGonagall finally spoke. "No use bringing up suspicion where unnecessary."

"Right." I looked up at her, all dignity and severity that both inspired and intimidated me. "Where are we going, Professor?" I asked a little shyly.

"We've set up a cozy little house for your transformations," she said matter of factly.

"A house?" I repeated, puzzled. "What about the forest?"

She made a small gasp as if I had just asked a scandalous question. "The Forbidden Forest is off limits to students."

"But... when I'm..."

"Master Lupin," she started, giving me one of her pointed looks. "You are still a student here at Hogwarts, no matter where the moon is in its cycle. There are dangerous things in the forest and it would be shameful for me as a teacher to allow you to be subject to them."

In an odd way, that made me feel a little better and a small smile crept across my face.

"The house," she continued, "is in fact abandoned, so you will not be hurt by anyone nor will you be able to hurt anyone else."

That brought me back to reality. My hands shook a little bit and I shoved them deep into my pockets to disguise that. Presently, we arrived at a small cottage made of stone with boarded up windows and a door locked with several padlocks. McGonagall pulled out a ring of keys from within the sleeves of her robe and unlocked each lock.

Inside the house was dark, but indeed cozy. There was some sparse, dusty furniture, although it was mostly empty. A few snacks had been left on the table as well as a couple books.

"For before and after, dear," McGonagall explained.

It struck me funny that she called me "dear" and I wondered if she had done it out of pity.

"Do I have to stay here all day?" I asked.

"Yes, I'm afraid you do," she replied. "It will vary from time to time as we figure out different excuses. Next month we'll take you out in the evening."

I nodded. That made sense, but it would still make for a lonely afternoon and a long wait until evening.

"I wish I could stay, but I have some other responsibilities." She nodded to the books, her eyes bright. "Your current studies and a little something extra."

I looked at the pile. Tom Sawyer, my favourite Muggle book. I picked it up and clutched it to my chest as if it was a lifeline. "Thank you, Professor," I mumbled. "For all of this." I gestured towards the rest of the room with my chin. "It's nicer than what I had before."

She stopped on her way to the door. "Can I ask what you did have before?"

"Mum and Dad had a cage they fit me in down in the cellar. It would get smaller if I tried to break it, so sometimes it would just tie me down."

I could have been imagining it, but I thought I saw a tear form in her eye and a lump rise in her throat. My cheeks reddened. I didn't want her to think my parents were bad people. It was my fault, really.

"Well, Mr. Lupin, I hope this serves you well. It's only two nights this cycle, so I will be back to check up on you in the morning."

I nodded and she left. I heard the sound of all eight bolts locking behind her and I hugged my book harder. I was completely and utterly alone.

The hours passed slowly. With the windows all covered, I couldn't see where the sun was through the day, but I felt the air grow colder as the day grew longer. I felt something else too. The uncomfortable prickle of my skin as the time drew closer, as if all the hairs on my arms had become little needles and were trying to pierce me through.

Maybe I should have been paying closer attention because it happened all at once. The very sudden feeling of all my bones cracking. Everything breaking and shifting with loud and painful crunches. My back twisting. I couldn't breathe for a minute as my lungs tried to reposition themselves and clutched at my throat helplessly only to find sharp claws digging into my still soft human skin. But not for long... It hardened. The fur sprouted along my throat and chest as my arms, no... forelegs came crashing down onto the floor.

And hunger. No, not for that on the table. No, HUNGER. For meat. For humans. The door... Why wouldn't it budge? No matter how many times we rammed it? No! Trapped! No! Howl at the sky and scream for the taste of blood. If not another's blood, then our own...

***

I woke up in the morning to Professor McGonagall and another lady standing over me as I lay on the floor. I recognised her vaguely as the school nurse, Madame Pomfrey. Half of me wanted to get up, but the other half was too exhausted and I just closed my eyes again and let my head roll back down to the floor.

Madame Pomfrey brushed a hand over my forehead. "Do most werewolves have a fever after their transformation?" Her voice sounded far away, like I was under water.

"I'm more inclined to be concerned about those cuts," I heard McGonagall say. "Do try to clean him up a bit. Mr. Lupin?"

She was addressing me now and I knew I couldn't just lie here playing dead. I opened my eyes, fighting the raging headache as light flooded my senses.

"Where are your clothes, Mr. Lupin?"

I started and glanced at the pile of shredded garments in the corner. By the clothes, a gnawed on copy of Tom Sawyer lay in ruins. "I... I think I ate them." My voice was hoarse from screaming. Even if it wasn't fully me, my vocal chords always felt the affects of howling.

Madame Pomfrey tsked disapprovingly. "Well that I expected. Here." Out of a very small medical bag, she withdrew a set of robes that should not have fit. "Next time, you have to remember to take off your clothes first."

I groaned, so exhausted that I barely even bothered by the fact that a teacher and a nurse were seeing me naked. "I don't want there to be a next time."

Once again, I saw Professor McGonagall look away with that sad expression she had worn before. The one that almost looked as if she was crying. "Well, get dressed, dear," she instructed. Dear again... "And then we'll get you some breakfast before preparing for tonight's transformation."

With the promise of breakfast, I rallied myself. My hand went to my neck as I pulled on the robes and when I pulled it away, it was sticky and red. "Oh..."

"Does that happen often?" Madame Pomfrey asked as she proceeded to rub a salve over the cut.

I nodded. "Most of the time. But it doesn't always leave scars."

She gave me a cheerful smile. "Well, hopefully this one won't."

To be honest, I was less worried about the scar and more worried about what my friends would say on the return to school.