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Viktor was dying. There was no getting around that fact.
He and Jayce used to be able to ignore it, they used to be able to pretend that Viktor was fine, that his illness wasn’t something to worry about, that Viktor would be fine.
But he wasn’t fine. They both knew that, of course.
Especially now. His disease had progressed to a point where it was impossible to ignore it. It was impossible to pretend that they had nothing to worry about, that Viktor would be fine and they would grow old together, maybe even leave Piltover, move to a house where they could live in peace (which was something Jayce often found himself fantasizing about).
But they know it’s never going to happen.
Jayce acts like it doesn’t affect him, that waking up to his husband coughing up blood didn’t create a pit in his stomach, but Viktor isn’t stupid, he is aware of any little action Jayce shows that fails to mask his worry and pain.
He can’t help but feel guilty that he is inevitably going to cause Jayce more pain than anyone else has ever put that man through, that he is seeing Viktor’s life gradually slipping away.
Jayce had even resigned from the council so he could be there more often for Viktor.
He is sacrificing everything for the same, dying man. He feels that he just isn’t worth any of Jayce’s time or effort and yet, Jayce just insists on giving him the same, tender, unconditional love and devotion he’s been giving Viktor for years.
He’s going out slowly and painfully and it’s just making Jayce hurt more and more.
Viktor wishes more than anything that life was easier. That life was like it was before Viktor’s disease progressed.
He wants life to be as simple as watching the stars at night with Jayce, mesmerized by the shine they left in the night sky. Or, just back to their dreams of what they could do with hextech, the nights spent full of trial and error, praying that it would work, praying that whatever experiment or prototype they were working on would come to something.
Even just laying at night, when the pain in Viktor’s leg was too hard to ignore, feeling the heat of Jayce next to him as they both talked about their dreams, their ambitions and how they were so glad to have met each other. God they were both so incredibly sappy when they were tired.
But life just isn’t that simple anymore. They aren’t the same young ambitious inventors.
Everything has changed. Viktor’s chronic pain had gotten worse, his disease progressed, Jayce was a councilor but quit for Viktor’s sake, hell they barely even go to the lab anymore. Viktor is usually too sick to walk there and Jayce insists on staying despite Viktor claiming he doesn’t need anyone to fuss over him.
It actually means the world to Viktor that Jayce is staying. Nobody else would. He barely sees Sky anymore. He knows she probably just doesn’t want to see someone she grew up with in this pathetic, dying state. He misses her company nonetheless.
Jayce hasn’t left Viktor’s side. He refuses to leave. Whenever Viktor is in the hospital, he stays as long as possible. Viktor hates being alone in a hospital room. It makes him extremely anxious, although he has no idea why.
So, for Jayce to refuse to leave him alone unless absolutely necessary, it means a lot.
Jayce tries his best to keep the mood lighthearted for both his and Viktor’s sake, but an unmistakable shakiness in his voice slips out more often than not.
Jayce finds himself trying extremely hard to stay strong, to not make Viktor feel worse than he already does, but he worries. A lot. He’s always worried about people that he is close with, as a kid he would worry whenever his mom was out later than expected and as he grew closer to Viktor, he found himself worrying quite a lot. What if he’s in pain, what if he hasn’t eaten, what if he’s sick.
These were thoughts he had constantly found himself going down a rabbit-hole of worry and slight panic whenever Viktor was late or didn’t show up or just seemed off.
And as Viktor’s condition worsened, so did Jayce’s worry. He tried to make it less obvious as to not make Viktor feel guilty for making him worry but it definitely showed through at times. And a few tears have definitely been shed.
He was a lot more clingy than he used to be and was sometimes a little too overbearing when it came to making sure Viktor was alright. It was definitely obvious how much he worried about him.
At first, hospital trips were more rare than common, Viktor really only had to go for checkups, but now, he was there all the time.
He doesn’t have much time left. He can feel himself slowly deteriorating. Every night Jayce braces himself to wake up with the news that Viktor is gone. But it hasn’t happened. Yet.
But it’s going to happen soon, and Jayce can’t do anything about it, and he hates it. So much.
Somehow, Jayce has remained strong through it all. Even when he was told Viktor most likely only had a couple weeks left, even when Viktor would wake up coughing so much Jayce thought that would be what would kill him, even as Viktor would cry and apologize for making Jayce see him like this, he stayed strong.
Of course he was sad. He found himself crying whenever Viktor was asleep or when he had to step out of his room. He would just break down. He’s mostly trying to stay strong for Viktor, but part of the reason he’s staying strong is in hopes that it’ll prepare him for the worst. That he will be prepared for Viktor to die.
Maybe if he’s prepared it won’t hurt as bad. Maybe he won’t spend years grieving. Maybe he’ll be able to live life normally without Viktor if he’s strong now.
Deep down, he knows it won’t work. Viktor’s death is going to destroy him. He’s not going to get over it for a long time.
Some nights where Viktor has to stay in the hospital and Jayce can’t stay for the entire night, he’ll go over to his mother’s house and talk to her. Usually he uses the excuse that her house is close in case he needs to go to the hospital later in the night but the truth is he doesn’t want to be alone. He hates being alone.
Jayce could barely sleep lately, his worry for Viktor overpowering any form of exhaustion that he ever felt. He knows it’s not great. He knows he needs sleep but it’s difficult to sleep when you know that your lover, your other half, the man that saved you is dying. That’s not a thought that exactly goes away with the push of a button and it for sure isn’t thought one would like to sleep with, so he barely sleeps properly anymore.
For a while, Jayce hoped that they’d make some sort of breakthrough with hextech that would magically save Viktor, or at the very least keep him alive longer. But, as Viktor’s condition worsened and neither of them were in the lab much anymore, Jayce accepted that it was a lost cause. That he will lose Viktor and nothing will stop it.
Then the day came.
He walked to the hospital, like usual, he went straight up to the room where Viktor was, only to be immediately greeted with the news ‘he’s probably not gonna make it to the end of the day.’
He felt sick. And yet, he still never left his lover's side. Whispering under his breath ‘It’ll be okay Vik..’ over and over though he was trying to reassure himself more than Viktor. Not like there was any reassuring a dying man that everything will be alright.
He never left the hospital that day. He refused to let Viktor die alone. He held Viktor's hand tight as the doctor disconnected the machines keeping him alive. All the way up until he flatlined.
He couldn’t even think straight. He didn’t even realize he was crying though it was no surprise when he finally realized he was. He told himself he was prepared. He told himself he wouldn’t break down but as he was walking home, it slowly rained down on him what just happened. How he’d never hold Viktor in his arms ever again and he just broke. He already knew he was heading to his mother’s. He didn’t want to be in his house alone knowing what happened. But he felt like he couldn’t move, that he was stuck in place.
It was a cold night. Viktor hated the cold. God the more he walked the more he thought about Viktor. Maybe that was why he felt frozen. Everything was something that reminded him of Viktor. The path that still leads to the lab but is a bit longer and could be considered a ‘scenic’ route that Viktor loved walking through whenever he wasn’t exhausted or in pain, the spot where he and Viktor used to go stargazing- stargazing. One of their favorite things to do together. Jayce will never watch the night sky with Viktor ever again and the mere thought makes him cry even more than he had already been. There weren’t even any visible stars in the sky.
He decides not to go to his mother’s. It’s late. She’s probably asleep and Jayce doesn’t want to burden her with his grief. He tries to make the walk home as slow as humanely possible. He doesn’t want to go home. He has to though.
After an extremely long walk, Jayce finds himself standing directly in front of Viktor’s and his house. God this hurts.
He walks in and realizes just how much of his daily life reminded him of Viktor. Photos of the two together, objects around the house that belonged to Viktor, hell even the smell of their home made him think of his now late husband.
Everything was a reminder of his lover that he’ll never hold again. He didn’t even realize he was picking at the skin on his nails until he felt a sharp pain. He looks down at the small trail of blood on his thumb but ignores it and continues scratching at the wound. Anything to somewhat get his mind off of the grief he’s feeling.
Viktor had saved Jayce from killing himself years ago and the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes.. Nobody would stop him now. The more the thought gets pushed around in his mind, he thinks of his mother. She would feel like he does now… That puts an end to the thought. For now.
Then came the guilt. They tried to cure Viktor’s disease with hextech. With their invention. Jayce should have done more research. He should’ve done more work. Maybe Viktor would still be alive.
He looks down at his thumb again, the then small wound now much larger from the intense picking and scratching. It hurts. A lot. But now it’s something that will distract him from Viktor.
He sits at the edge of his bed. The bed he used to share with Viktor, now one person empty. The thought makes him cry harder than he already had been which was surprisingly possible. He feels like he's lost a piece of himself that he’ll never get back.
The next couple of weeks were hard. Really hard. Jayce still hasn’t done any work recently. He just can’t bring himself to go to the lab.
The only really close friend Viktor had other than Jayce was Sky and she, of course, was distraught. Caitlyn never really knew Viktor but she was helpful at least. Though nothing really helped Jayce feel better.
Viktor’s clothes still have his scent lingering on them which is both comforting and heart-shattering for Jayce. He hates feeling like this.
The sky has been too cloudy to even see the stars lately. Not like Jayce wants to stargaze without Viktor, that was their thing. Jayce can't do it without Viktor
Jayce’s fingers were covered in scratches. He never really stopped doing it. Sometimes it was subconscious and others it was deliberate. It brought a little bit of relief to the pain he was feeling (also cuts on fingers fucking hurt).
The night the clouds finally cleared up, Jayce decided to sit on the roof and watch the stars. Though, the second his gaze met the night sky his eyes welled up with tears, but there was a sort of beauty to it. This tradition he shared with Viktor still being carried on even after he was gone. Maybe that's all that mattered.
Maybe in order to feel better he needed to carry on with his life like Viktor is still next to him
And maybe, somehow, he was.