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Challia was once again out of breath, staring at the blank ceiling as his chest rose and fall with his respiration. “Is this really okay?” He could’ve sworn he said to himself, only to belatedly realize the words had come off his throat.
Xavier turned to him, also breathless, though not as badly as him. Perks of youth, Challia thought. “What do you mean?”
He sighed, “This, I mean? I’m not complaining about your performance at all, Xavier-kun, but are you sure you’re okay with…” He gestured at their lower bodies. “Always taking charge?”
As he witnessed the green eyes widen in surprise, it became apparent to him that Xavier hadn’t even begun to ask himself the question. “Uh, well, I mean…” The slightest blush colored the boy’s cheeks. “I d-don’t mind, in fact, I love it…” The flush grew darker. “A lot.”
Challia chuckled. “I have noticed.”
Embarrassed, Xavier stared at him. “Do you not?”
“I do, like I said, I have no complaints about your performance. You’re strong, energetic, fast, passionate and yet so-”
“Please stop talking about it so casually!” He heard Xavier’s voice muffled by his hands.
Smiling, Challia shifted his body so that he could be facing his lover. “After all that, what flusters you is me praising your skills?”
“It’s hard to get used to it!” Xavier protested, though refused to look at him still.
“You’re funny, Xavier-kun,” Challia left a gap before his next words. “I’m just worried you’ll wear yourself out.”
The hands that worked as a protective wall between them both slowly lowered. “Wear myself out?” Xavier repeated, like a confused puppy.
“You’re always working so hard, both at school and with me. So attentive and caring all the time, remembering even the tiniest details about me. Always giving your most to make me happy, so I’m wondering…what about you? What makes you happy?”
“Well, being Challia-san makes happy-”
“But, one day, that thrill will be gone too.” Challia cut him off. “And what, then?”
“Eh?”
Challia smiled sadly. “Do you really want to waste your precious youth on an old man like me?”
It took some time for the words to dawn on Xavier. “Is this what this is about?” He asked, his features distorting, washing away the afterglow.
“I just don’t want you to wake up one day and realize you threw away your life for me.” Challia looked away and out of the window of his apartment. “You deserve better than that.”
“What?” Xavier sat up. “Deserve- Challia-san, what are you talking about?”
He sat up as well. “I’m just saying that, you still have time to reconsider…I won’t be hurt if you-”
“This again…” Xavier stared down as if in utter disbelief of what was going down.
“Don’t get mad, Xavier-kun,” Challia tried to appease him, placing a gentle hand on his arm. “I just want the best for you, after all, I-”
“Do you now?” Xavier blurted. “Because whenever this comes up, it feels like you’re making fun of me.”
“That’s what I-”
“Challia-san, I know you think you’re being kind when you say these things, but you’re not. It’s pretty insulting, actually. Constantly questioning whether my love for you is good for me, trying to edge me into breaking up with you, underselling yourself, so I change my mind…I’m sorry, but it’s really annoying.” Xavier got up from the bed, his brows furrowed into a deep line above his nose as he put back his underwear. “And if you want to break up with me, I wish you did it yourself instead of trying to make it my decision.”
“I don’t want to break up, Xavier-kun, I just…don’t know if I’m the best for you.” Challia let out earnestly.
“The best for me?” Xavier appeared stunned. “What does that even mean? Is not what I want the best for me already?”
“For your future, I mean.”
“Challia-san, you’re the smartest and coolest person I know. The most beautiful one, too.” Xavier added, his voice hitched. “And I…I love you. I’m not doubting anything about my feelings, but if you are, then…” He zipped up his pants, his shirt already on him. “I won’t hold you back. But just be honest about it.” Grabbing his jacket, Xavier walked away, not without throwing him a last glance. “I would do anything for you Challia-san, but if you won’t believe that, then there’s nothing I can do.” With that, he left, closing the door behind him.
Challia, who was in the process of standing up, let his weight flop on the mattress. That went so badly and so fast, like some kind of whirlwind that he could only watch grow bigger and bigger and…well, storm out of his apartment.
Maybe this really was the vitality of the youth.
–
Challia thought that Xavier would eventually write back, apologizing for the outburst. Though, as the hours went by, he started reconsidering the conception. It wasn’t until the day after that he remembered their anniversary was that weekend.
Well, damn.
Amidst his busy schedule, giving lectures, revising his student’s essays and catching up with college gossip, he hardly had time to think about it. Actually, it was more like he was trying hard not to think about it.
Maybe he was a bit insensitive about it, but he didn’t feel like he was wrong. And Xavier’s dramatic reaction only confirmed what he was already suspecting: that perhaps their gap was greater than he had initially imagined.
Like, being rational, what exactly had the two of them in common besides an insatiable curiosity for knowledge? It’s not like Xavier really knew him at all. He only loved the idealized version he had of his professor, that wise, all-knowing, attractive man that held his wisdom like a scale over his naive head. And even so, Xavier didn’t like hearing what he had to say when it came to emotional advice. He was only fascinated with Challia’s craft, with his studies, not his interiority.
Xavier didn’t even know of the life Challia had lived. Of the way heartbreak had shaped his view on love. Of the scars he bore and the lessons he had learned. Xavier had no idea that Challia had already loved once, and so deeply, that the fallout made him never want to put himself like that again.
He was just a kid, in the end. An innocent kid that believed shoving his feelings down someone’s throat was the key to happiness. Or that just trying too hard every day was a sustainable way to live, to love, even.
How could they ever be compatible? Xavier was an earnest and hard-working young man. Determined to a fault and definitely sharper than he appeared, he was very committed to his goals and was very tenacious. There was so much passion in his personality, and his gaze had a constant glimmer that never went out.
As a partner, he was kind and loving, not to mention extremely attentive too. His voice was gentle and soft, although it could easily become strained and low, which was undoubtedly very erotic. He had a good body, and he worked out often, which really showed in his prowesses in bed. While his features were still boyish, there was a handsome air to him that mostly went undercover because of his puppy-like disposition.
His smile first thing in the morning was the ray of sun coming in through the window. Tender but warm, the kind that makes you want to start your day. The touch of his fingertips was so gentle, so affectionate…His eyes, however, were the real prize. That beautiful purple and green gradient that danced like fireflies in the night. So captivating under the dim light, so mysterious too. And Challia, well, Challia loved-
“Sir!” A voice snapped him out of his daydreaming. He returned to see a student handing him her paper, an expression of mild exasperation in her face.
It seemed like class had already ended.
“Thank you.” He gently picked the essay from her hands.
“Are you okay? You’ve been spacing out all the class.”
“I am, I just didn’t sleep enough last night.” He smiled. “I hope it didn’t affect your learning too much.”
The student blushed slightly. “N-Not at all, Sir!” Before Challia got to say anything else, she had already walked away with her giggling friends.
He chuckled, carefully placing everything inside his bag. He already knew he was popular among the students, especially girls. Boys these days weren’t exactly well-mannered, much less elegant, so of course these young women would be attracted to such a rare specimen of the opposite sex.
And he had noticed Xavier’s jealousy over it, always polite but shooting daggers at anyone that came too close. It was quite endearing, really, and Challia had to physically hold himself back from patting his head. Maybe he should tell Xavier about it, see how he would react knowing he had just another rival…
He stopped in his tracks when he remembered, stopping to watch outside the window of the building. As he noticed the breeze gently swaying the trees, and the students laughing in the grass, his heart panged with familiar, albeit unwanted, memories.
And yet, his mind conjured an image of Xavier and him talking under the tree’s shadows, discussing theories and authors, the feelings inside him changed completely.
With newfound determination, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked for Xavier’s contact.
Perhaps it was time to stop running away.
–
Challia had barely sat down on the sofa of his apartment when the doorbell rang. Confused, he checked the time. It was barely past 7.
“It’s still early…” He said to himself before getting up to open the door. Surprisingly, he was welcomed with Xavier’s frowning face.
“Hello.” Xavier mumbled, lifting the plastic bag in his hands. “I brought take out.”
“Oh, that’s very kind, Xavier-kun, I was planning to cook but-”
Without letting him finish, Xavier made his way inside and placed the bag on the table. “I don’t want to make you go through the hassle of cooking a whole dinner if you’re planning to break up with me.”
“That’s…”
Xavier opened one of the bento boxes. “So, shall we dig in?”
…
They ate in relative silence. Everytime Challia tried to start some small chat, he was shut down by Xavier’s curt responses. It wasn’t until Xavier had put down the chopsticks, his box now devoid of any food, that he gave in.
“Okay, please let me know what you’re thinking.”
Challia inhaled. “I texted you because I wanted to talk about what happened…yesterday.”
“Two days ago.”
It was two days ago? Well, time surely goes faster when you get older. “Right, yeah. I wanted to talk about that.”
“What about it?” It was clear Xavier wanted to appear composed, detached even, but the speed with which he asked was very telling.
Challia did his best not to smile. “Well, I’ve been thinking about it.”
“Right.”
“And I reached a conclusion.”
“Yes?” Xavier was now practically sitting at the edge of his seat, miserably failing at wanting to look cool.
Challia couldn’t help gazing into those pretty eyes as he answered. “You were right.”
Xavier blinked in disbelief. “Huh?”
“You were right. I was trying to push a decision on you because of my own insecurities.” Challie rested his back on the chair. “I believed myself to be above all, so much that I didn’t mind things ending for your sake. Like some kind of guardian angel looking out for you.” He smiled. “But that was me just being scared, just wanting to feel like I’m in control before anything goes out of hand. It’s too late for that.”
“Too late?”
“Mhm. Because you see, Xavier-kun…” Challia allowed a pause while he took in every detail, every second of this moment. The empty boxes on the table, the rhythmic tapping of the fan above their heads, the full moon peeking through the window. And most importantly, the look of expectation in Xavier’s eyes, between reluctance and hope, as he awaited for Challie to continue.
“I’ve already fallen in love with you.”
The words echoed in the apartment, like a pebble skipping on water. And Xavier’s eyes widened at the confession, his lips parting although not producing any sound.
“I really have, and I don’t want to let you go. I thought I had already closed my heart to love, but you came and started digging in without a rest.” Challia laughed softly. “And, against all odds, you found it. That which I believed to be gone from me. You found it, and you gave it a new shape.” He leaned in, and grabbed Xavier’s hand. “And I want to try it with you, as many times as you’ll allow me to.”
As soon as he was touched, Xavier appeared to be awakened from whatever trance he had fallen in. “Do you really believe that?” He eventually whispered.
Challia grinned. “Don’t believe me?”
“No, it’s-” Xavier rubbed his eyes with his free hand. “I just feel like I’m dreaming, haha…” His voice seemed to get choked up and he looked down.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah!” With glossy eyes, Xavier returned his stare to him. “I’m just…really happy, you know?”
Chuckling, Challia tangled their fingers together, his other hand cupping the side of Xavier’s face. “I’m happy too.” He said, lovingly stroking Xavier’s cheek. “You make me happy, Xavier-kun.”
A couple of tears rolled down with a stutter, Xavier was beaming. “That’s amazing…I mean, I’m glad to hear that.”
“Good.” Challia momentarily squeezed Xavier’s hand before he pulled away. “And as a part of my commitment, I want to do something for you tonight.”
“Tonight?”
Challia nodded, his eyes suggestively wandering over Xavier’s body. “It involves getting rid of your clothes, though.”
The blood appeared to momentarily leave Xavier’s face before it returned with full force. “I-Is that so?!” He squeaked, his cheeks colored a deep red.
In response, Challia traced Xavier’s bottom lip with his thumb. “Will you be a good boy and wait for me in the bedroom? I’ll clean up the kitchen first.”
“Y-Yes!” Xavier nodded before he made a run for it. Before crossing the door, though, he turned. “Uhm, Challia-san?”
“Yes?” Challia answered as he picked up the garbage.
“I love you.” Xavier, albeit coyly, smiled at him.
Challia returned the smile. “I love you too.”
Joyful, Xavier disappeared behind the door, and it wasn’t until he had gone out to deposit the trash bags in the containers that Challia realized he was still smiling, too.
Love really wasn’t so bad.