Chapter Text
Sometimes, Boq wondered if he deserved everything that had happened to him.
Walking through the vastness of the Governor's mansion, he felt uneasy, sick. A little sunlight streamed through the windows, warming the sleeves of his butler's robes. A constant reminder of who he was, who he had become, and who he had allowed himself to become.
A willing prisoner.
Trying to push his thoughts away, he focused solely on his work. He went to the kitchen and faced the same gleaming silver tray as always. On it, a pot of extremely hot tea and some biscuits rested, as if they were already waiting for him.
The smell was familiar to the Munchkin. Mint tea and extremely sweet biscuits. As he picked up the tray and walked robotically to his destination, he thought that those flavors said a lot about the Governor. Someone who appeared extremely calm to outsiders and extremely sweet, but deep down was as bitter and unstable as anyone in Munchkinland.
It didn't matter what he thought, in the end. It was just his job. He shouldn't question her.
Not anymore, at least.
The hallway was extremely dark, and Boq couldn't stop thinking about how anyone could live in all that darkness. It was claustrophobic, suffocating.
What an irony, after all. It gave him a horribly familiar feeling.
He cleared his throat, allowing a trapped sigh to escape his lungs, and knocked lightly on the wooden door.
"Come in."
Boq shuddered at that voice. Sweet. Controlled. A sweetness that seemed carefully rehearsed. That always caused the same reaction in the man.
Fear? Longing? Repulsion?
He couldn't tell anymore.
Boq simply entered, closing the door behind him and slowly making his way to Nessarose's desk, where he placed the tray in its usual spot.
"Good morning," Nessa said, her voice as sweet as before. "I missed you."
"Good morning, Madame," Boq replied, glancing quickly at the tray and then at the Governor. "Your tea."
Nessa observed him cautiously, without saying a single word, but Boq noticed her sad look when the curly-haired woman simply looked down, murmured something to herself, and finally looked back into his eyes.
"Is something wrong?" Her tone was low, controlled, but still tinged with sadness.
Why did he feel guilty for making her suffer like that?
"It's nothing." Boq looked into Nessa's eyes, but looked away almost immediately. "I'm just very tired, Governor."
Nessarose blinked once. Twice. As if assessing what she would say, as if trying to analyze Boq. Did she know how he felt?
"Boq, you know I notice when you're distant. And you... you can barely look at me. Look at me."
The young man swallowed hard. Yes, she noticed. She noticed everything. The deliberate distance. The attempt to avoid long gazes with Nessa. The involuntary recoil when she mentioned "us." The fear of finally giving in just to avoid hurting her.
"I'm just tired, i swear. It's okay."
A lie. Just one, among many that had existed over all these years. One that Boq no longer cared to feel guilty about saying.
"Look at me." Nessa pleaded once more. "Please, just look at me."
Boq looked. Nessarose's gaze was still fixed on his. Hopeful, longing.
"You disappeared for hours yesterday. I waited—"
Her voice faltered for a moment, but quickly recovered.
"I waited all afternoon. And you didn't show up."
"I'm so sorry about that, Mad—"
"And you know the worst part of all this?" Nessa cut him off, her voice shifting to something utterly dry and distant. "When you finally show up, you can barely look at me. You can barely say my name."
It was all true. The truth would always hurt, even when said as casually as Nessa was saying it. Boq had been purposefully ignoring her for days.
Could he blame himself for that? He felt suffocated, trapped, a toy that only served to amuse the Governor.
But Boq knew it was his fault. Every day, he chose this. He chose to stay in a place that didn't make him happy, that had never made him happy.
But he knew the reason for it. He knew it well, and that reason gnawed at him inside every time he made a point of remembering it.
Nessa.
"I..." Boq took a deep breath and allowed himself to look into the Governor's eyes. "Nessa. I'm sorry."
Despite everything, he was sorry. He was sorry for not telling the truth when he had the chance, sorry for not being by her side when she saw her father collapsing, sorry for not reciprocating her affection, sorry...
He was sorry for—
"I miss you."
A single sentence spoken in a moment of weakness. Boq missed her, but he never wanted Nessarose to know. She would never understand which part of her he missed.
At a glance, he saw the Governor's eyes widen, her pupils fully dilated. Boq immediately looked at her desk, ashamed of what he had just said to her.
"Boq... come here."
Boq hesitated. It wasn't a request, it was a command he was used to, sweet, laden with something that always made his throat tighten. He approached slowly, with short steps, as if each movement could trigger something inside her… or inside him.
Nessarose watched him as if she were seeing something precious that could escape at any moment, but even knowing the risk, she approached anyway. Her lips slightly parted, an almost feverish gleam in her eyes. Boq stopped a few steps away, close enough to smell the soft perfume of white flowers she liked to wear. A perfume that always gave him the feeling of being enveloped, surrounded. He felt like prey, going to its predator and knowing its end.
"Nessa…" Boq murmured, trying to keep his voice steady.
"Look at me." Another plea. "Please, just look at me."
He didn't want to. Not at that moment. Not when the phrase that had escaped him still throbbed in the air like a mistake. But Boq obeyed, as he always obeyed, and raised his gaze.
How could he deny her anything?
The gleam in her eyes was intoxicating. Boq once again wondered if, deep down, Nessa knew that that look was his downfall at the end of the day. That Nessa.
"Do you miss me?" The woman's voice came out almost inaudible, yet full of hope.
Boq felt he could stop breathing at that moment. He should deny it. He should correct himself. He should just leave and ignore any other order Nessa might give him.
However, he only nodded. A silent, almost imperceptible confirmation.
He hated how much he missed that woman. One who no longer existed, who was just another distant memory of times when he knew what it was to be happy. He knew what it was to be free, he knew what it was to have dreams.
Now, the only thing he saw was the cold shell of someone he once considered comfort, warmth, perhaps even love.
Her smile slowly opened, just as it used to. It was the kind of smile Boq didn't want to receive. Because that smile brought back memories. Guilt. Comfort.
Nessa reached out her hand to him.
"So why are you choosing to distance yourself from me?" Nessa whispered, with apparent hurt hidden in her voice. "Because it feels like… I've lost you." "That you just don't want me anymore. That you want to leave."
He didn't want her. He knew he didn't. He thought he didn't. He hoped he didn't.
"That's not true, Nessa." Boq lied. "I'm still here, aren't I?"
"Prove it."
There it was. Always that request. That plea.
As on so many other occasions, Boq gently took Nessa's hand and pressed a kiss full of tenderness to her palm. A loving gesture, but one he knew always made Nessarose feel safer, even though they had both seen this scene thousands of times.
The woman's hand moved quickly, going to his face and caressing the lines of his jaw.
He hated how it made him feel. Even though he hated it, his body still reacted to that touch, the desire to just have someone closer for a moment. It could be the loneliness, the isolation he was experiencing, but he never denied it.
Closing his eyes, Boq took a deep breath and realized that perhaps he understood the reason for reacting to that situation.
He always returned to that moment. Always to Ozdust. Always to Nessa.
Always to the memory of how happy Nessa was that night. Always remembering how they were just two silly young people, drinking questionable punch, and how Boq tried so hard to make her laugh and have fun.
It all started with Glinda, he knew. He knew the only reason he'd invited Nessarose to that party was to please her.
However, the only reason he'd decided to stay was still there.
The reason who accompanied him to class and was by his side, with that gentle smile. The reason who looked at him with devotion when she introduced him to her father.
The reason...
Waking up to reality, Boq felt her palm on his face and a strange warmth spread through his chest. Each touch was a reminder that he still didn't have control over his own feelings, that, despite everything, he still cared for her in a way he couldn't name, a way he regretted still thinking.
"And you'll always be here, won't you? You'll always be here for me, won't you?" Nessa murmured, her fingers still tracing his face, drawing lines that Boq knew she was the only person he felt intimate enough to touch. "You are mine, aren't you?"
The Munchkin forced a smile, trying to hide all of his other feelings. That wasn't a question. He knew the answer. There was only one answer.
"Always. I'm yours."
The only thing Boq noticed was that the tea he had brought had gone cold. Perhaps as cold as he felt knowing he would no longer try to escape all of this. He wouldn't be able to escape her.
Not when a part of him, small and fading with time, still loved her.