Chapter Text
Hakuryuu laid alone in bed, earlier than he would have normally. Most early nights were spent training, strategizing, talking; all with Judal. He hadn't slept alone in months, and the recent attempts lead to pain beneath his sleepless eyes as he watched the sun rise above the horizon.
Each failure at rest hurt more than the last, he was becoming desperate and weak at the fear and shock of the future he would have to bear on his own.
Every night since their separation has been taking a toll on Hakuryuu's mental and physical health, the uncertainty and anxiety of rethinking the loss of one of the only people he genuinely cared about. His lack of sleep made him sluggish, left his body in pain. He spent entire nights, years in passing, wondering where Judal is, if he is even alive, if he suffered. Hakuryuu never got an answer.
Slowly, Hakuryuu relearned the harsh feeling of loneliness. Ruling alone, knowing no one but Judal had ever fully supported him and his actions. He could say he had completely failed, although he did accomplish what he wanted even if it was for a small window of time. The motivation Judal had given him crumbled and faded before he could fathom it. Surges of magic at times taunted him, as if he was still rooted to Judal. As if the netsumegusa was still able to connect them despite the distance and years between them.
He learned crying himself to sleep was effective. He let out his anger, frustration, and exhaustion in this way. The same way he used to. He slept with too many blankets, too little clothing, as if he were a child again. He locked himself away for hours on end, not allowing servants to tend to him or anyone to speak to him after a certain hour. It was reminiscent of the other losses in his life, leading to isolation and desperation.
He felt as if he were separated from his other half, the only aspect that made him feel complete. Hakuryuu often felt as if he were a truly incomplete man, more of his body being artificial than flesh and bone. He felt as if his power was not truly his either, as Judal was the source of his being. He realized far too late that what he had felt for Judal was stronger than anyone before. Judal's 'idle interest' in Hakuryuu was much more, on late nights Judal would often speak words of confession to Hakuryuu.
Hakuryuu regretted that the most, not spending more time with Judal. Not returning the confessions, although he did develop an intimate relationship with Judal. He was afraid, afraid of his feelings and that turned into him pushing Judal away and focusing wholly on himself. He stayed close to Judal, Judal loved to spend time with him. But, he could never bring himself to proclaim their closeness publicly.
He heard from time to time that people suspected that Hakuryuu was simply using Judal for his powers, and that he would dispose of him soon. Hakuryuu felt the opposite, felt as if he could dispose of the entire kingdom if it were to bring the man he loved back. He was able to admit to himself that he was in love with Judal, so many years after Judal had.
Now, they have been separated for nearly six years, and Hakuryuu is finally ready to begin his searching. The taunts of Zagan's magic have become a signal of hope, Hakuryuu is willing to do anything to reunite himself with the person his heart has been aching for.