Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hinata could remember when he first realized he wasn’t like the other boys. He remembers how on the first day of his fourth year in elementary school the other boys refused to play with him. He also remembers noticing the fact that he wore a skirt while they wore trousers.

He remembers the feeling as everything finally made sense. Why his mom was so against getting his hair cut short like the other boys. Or why he had been told that he had to wear a skirt and a huge bow. Hinata knew why he had to sit with his legs crossed instead of wide like he wanted. He remembers it almost as if it had been yesterday.

He remembers closing his eyes and putting his head on his desk and opening them, expecting to be a boy. The heavy weight on his chest from his developing breasts, and the churning feeling of his stomach were supposed to be gone. He was disappointed when he opened his eyes and he was still Hinata Taiki, the prettiest girl in his class.

He remembers his first day of gender dysphoria.

Hinata began to feel sick almost every day. He’d have an upset stomach, he’d be nauseous, and he’d have a headache. The thought of putting on a skirt could make him vomit, and his mother had no clue to what had been causing her child’s sickness.

“Taiki, you need to get better,” his mother told him and he cringed at the name. He hated the name, he had always hated that name. His name couldn’t possibly be so feminine.
He threw up in the toilet, his mother rubbing his back in such a soothing manner. He felt like a liar, pretending to be her daughter. He wasn’t a girl, but he could tell anyone that, because he didn’t fully understand it himself.

“I’m really trying,” he mumbled and he felt awful. That name had made him feel even worse. He was shaky and clammy, and he knew that his fever was only rising.

“Natsu is worried about her older sister,” she said and Hinata threw up once again. The thought of Natsu seeing him as her older sister made him vomit and shake drastically.

He was curious to whether or not this had to deal with the fact that he thought he was a boy. He wondered if this would still be happening if he had been born a boy. Would he be happier if he was a real boy? Or was this a phase?

Hinata got better shortly after, but the stomach aches never really went away. He took some medication for it until everyone realized that it wasn’t helping anymore. It made him shake and feel paranoid, as well as make him extremely anxious.

Now, he knows how to handle upset stomach, but not dysphoria days. He wasn’t sure how to describe what his dysphoria days felt like, but the only word he could use was ‘blah.’ There were days where he found himself not particularly caring to what he was wearing or what other called him, because he knew that he was Hinata Shouyou and that he was a boy.

But there were also days where the idea of wearing anything remotely girly or being called by his birth name made him feel sick. It made him sick; an upset stomach and vomiting on the worse days. He always experienced slight gender dysphoria, but on the bad days were when his stomach really got upset.

There were times when he could compress the dysphoria down so much that he didn’t care. He became void of emotion and nothing was the same to him. His excitement and smiles would diminish, and he’d be a broken boy who couldn’t stand the sight of his own reflection. He wouldn’t speak, and when he did it was bitter and extremely cold.

He really wanted the bad days to stop and to wake up as either a boy. Or wake up feeling as though he was meant to be a girl, as though he was Taiki.

The scissors in his hands were shaking, severely. As he stared in the mirror, he couldn’t see himself, all he saw was her. It was always her that everyone saw, never him. It didn’t matter if he didn’t act like her, she was still the one everyone loved. Nobody loved Shouyou, they only loved Taiki.

He hated her so much and wanted her to disappear so badly. He just wanted to be seen as him, as Shouyou. He wanted to be seen as the boy he was, but he couldn’t with her standing in his way. This feeling of disembodiment was going to kill him if he had look at her one more time.

The cold metal scissors were ready to cut a huge chunk of long, curly hair, but the only thing stopping him was how it would affect his parents– how it would affect Natsu, who loved her older sister. Maybe he should just compress these feelings even longer, maybe forever. He may be sad, but it would better than disappointing his family.

He didn’t want to imagine what Natsu would do if he told everyone that he was a boy. She would hate him and tell him to stop joking around. He wouldn’t be able to handle it if she hated him.

The snipping of scissors scared Hinata, and as a large chunk of orange hair fell to the ground, he realized the mistake he had made. It had been an accident, one where he hadn’t been paying any attention to what he was physically doing, too caught up in his thoughts. He had meant to put the scissors down, but he somehow ended up cutting way too much off.

Once he saw himself in the mirror, though, he couldn’t help but feel excited about cutting his hair. He looked so masculine, and never thought that he could look like this.
He was literally beaming and once his mother saw him, she couldn’t bring herself to ask questions as she fixed it up. He was a fidgeting mess, and the smile on his face didn’t fade once even when his mother told him to calm down.

“I’m a boy, mom! Can’t you see it with my short hair? I don’t think I’m a girl,” he said as she cut his hair and the snipping stopped as his mother was frozen in place.
“Taiki, you’re just confused,” she said and he grunted.

“My name is Shouyou, and I’m not confused. I wouldn’t have cut my hair if I had been confused,” he grumbled and she didn’t question him any further. She just swept up the pile of orange hair, and left him alone.
Hinata knew that he had taken too big of a risk when neither of his parents spoke to him in the following weeks. At the age of 13, he felt utterly alone.
-
“Taiki,” she said and Hinata looked over to his mother, he looked as if he was about to vomit. He hated that name, he hated it so much.

“Could you just call me Hinata?” He asked and his mother sighed. He knew he was asking too much, but today had been a dysphoria day and he felt as if he couldn’t breathe at all. The sound of that girl’s name made him want to vomit, and he couldn’t help that he hated the sound of it.

“I was thinking that maybe we could put you at a new school for junior high, where no one knows you. Maybe we could talk to the head dean about you wearing a boy uniform and going by that boy name,” she said and Hinata could feel the discomfort about the entire situation.

Maybe she had realized that it was better to give in instead of watching one of her children suffer from feeling unimportant. He had always been so bright, but in the past couple weeks, Hinata had become a lifeless figure who never spoke at home and would lock himself in his room.

He’d stop eating dinner, and was losing a lot of weight. He looked more like a skeleton than a boy or a girl. Every night there was the same excuse of he wasn’t hungry, but his mother knew that he had to be. He ate more than three horses combined and could still eat more. She wanted her child back to the way he had been; smiling and healthy.

“I would really like that,” he said, the smile on his face made his mother smile back at him. That smile hadn’t been in sight for weeks, and for once it was genuine since he cut his hair weeks ago. He had been smiling at school and pretending to be okay while all he could think about was the fact that his parents were disappointed in him.

For once on a dysphoria day, he felt happy.

It had been hard to convince a the head dean to do what Shouyou wanted, it took three days of arguing to be able to be called Shouyou, wear a male uniform, and be seen as a boy. His mother didn’t see him as a boy, but here she was fighting for him.

Hinata created a male volleyball team, but he was the only boy on the team. It was yet again another argument of that he should just play on the girl’s team, but there was no way in hell that would happen. He knew that it would be hard to get members since no boy wanted to play with a “tranny,” but that wasn’t going to stop him. He was going to get people, and he was going to become the very best he could.

He wasn’t going to play on the girl’s team, because he wasn’t a girl. He wasn’t going to back down from this fight. It didn’t matter if he was transgender or not. He could still play volleyball, and he could still jump.

Being beaten up became a regular thing during his second year. He would just block it out as it happened and do nothing about it since there was nothing he could do. He had to be quiet about things, or else the principal would strip away the rights he had been granted.

It was unfair that he would be punished for going to help. He just wanted the beatings to stopped, but he gave up on that hope so long ago. As long as he was still seen as a girl to most people, he didn’t have hope.

He hated the fact that there had been a boy from his elementary school that came to the same school as he did. For high school, he would definitely make sure that there was no one he knew there. If there was, then he would bribe them into not telling anyone.

As the beatings got more and more frequent, two boys intervened and soon became Shouyou’s friends. There was Sekimukai Koji and Izumi Yukitaka, two boys who were both in his year and said that if he ever never needed them, they’d be there for him.

Soon enough they were tossing for him and seeing how high he could jump. They may not like volleyball, but they were amazed that someone as small as Hinata could jump higher than anyone they’ve ever met. He was like a bird; he could fly.

Third year was a better year. He was still called slurs, but the beatings stopped. They finally stopped when one of the boys hit Izumi and his parents flipped. The kids who hurt Hinata were expelled and the atmosphere of the school seemed to be more collected.

His mother bought him a binder, and he had never been happier. Three first years joined the volleyball club and Hinata forced his two friends to be a part of it as well. He finally had enough players to go to a competition.

He hoped it wouldn’t be his last competition, but it sure was his first. Putting on that male volleyball uniform had been a little too much for him and he started to cry. It was another thing he had accomplished, he was finally going to play his favorite sport as the gender he identified as.

His stomach was upset when they got to the gym. The nerves of actually playing, as well as the nerves of being found out about, made his stomach scream in a way. It wasn’t bad like dysphoria days, but if he didn’t try to calm himself down soon, it would be.

After meeting the King of the Court (and going to the bathroom), Hinata was hyped up. He was determined to win this and give it his all. He did give it his all, but one person can’t make up an entire team. He lost, and for once the feeling of disappointment wasn’t because of his gender.

He felt as though every missed point was because he was a girl. He couldn’t control the other boys since he was still seen as a lesser being because of his gender. Just because he could play didn’t mean that he was going to win.

Hinata decided that he was going to beat the King, and he was going to make that raven haired boy feel the disappointment he felt. He wasn’t giving up, he refused to give up. They were rivals now, and giving up meant losing.

“Taiki,” the principal said and Hinata’s mother sighed.

“He prefers Shouyou,” she said and Hinta smiled at the fact that she remembered that. His mother usually just called him Hinata, like he had asked, and he was surprised she remembered what name he had wanted to be called.

“You want to be seen as a male at Karasuno?” The principal asked and Hinata nodded vigorously.

“Yes, sir,” he said, dropping his voice slightly. Whenever he had dropped his voice at his junior high, the teachers seemed to forget all about Hinata Taiki.

“And you want to be on the male volleyball team?” The principal asked and Hinata nodded once more, even more aggressive.

“Yes, sir, please,” he said and his voice was full of excitement. The principal gave me a look, almost as if he was trying to hold back the fact that he was disgusted that this kid in front of him was actually excited.

“I’m not sure if I can do that. I know your last school allowed that, but we have more honor here,” the principal said and Hinata stiffened. His world was beginning to crash down around him.

“Sir, if I could request that you please take into consideration that my son had no trouble at his last school. He’s not the best academically, but he doesn’t cause a ruckus and he won’t start just because he comes here,” Hinata’s mother said and Hinata looked over at her, his brown eyes so wide and hopeful.

“She’s welcomed here, but just not as a boy,” the principal said and Hinata felt hopeless once more. His mother and the principal were having a glaring battle, and he wondered how long it would last.

“My son has yet to cause a problem since he came out, I think you should respect him. Just don’t tell the teachers and change his name on the roster. I doubt that it will be all that hard to do, seeing that you are a very hardworking man,” she said and the smile on her face didn’t match the sternness in her voice.

The principal nodded, there was a whole new atmosphere around him now. Had he realized that this wasn’t her first showdown with a principal? The anger in her eyes seemed to make the principal stiffen slightly and his mother smirked.

“I believe that we can do that easily, but it will be a little difficult at first. You’ll get your male uniform when the time comes. It was nice meeting with you,” the principal said, the stiffness never leaving even after Hinata’s mother had shook his hand and the two left his office.

That mother was one frightening woman.

The first day of school was exhilarating for Hinata. He would be able to go to the gym, play volleyball, and be on a real team. The biggest part was the fact that they were all boys, and wouldn’t have to practice with girls. It had made him very fidgety during opening ceremony, and then made him slightly anxious during the day.

What if one of the team members found out that he was transgender? Would he be kicked off the team? Would everyone hate him? Would he be forced back into a girl’s uniform and put on the girls’ volleyball team? Would the beatings come back?

Once he got into the gym, all of his anxiety disappeared when he saw the King of the Court. He felt all that anger from losing that match months ago burn inside of him. He had trained to become better than the raven haired boy in front of him, but had it worked out for him?

After a bunch of screaming and ‘excitement’, Hinata wasn’t allowed to play volleyball with the other boys until he could be a team player, or beat two other first years plus captain in a three-on-three match. Tanaka seemed to be easily angered or was it excited? But Hinata just hoped he was good at volleyball.

The idea of playing with Kageyama made him feel disgusted, but he wanted to play on the team. He wasn’t going to let his mother’s argument with the principal go to waste, or the suffering he faced trying to get here. He was getting to a good place, and he was getting happy. He wasn’t going to let Kageyama ruin his happiness, he refused to let it ruin it.

Sure, Kageyama was a dumbass, but it’s better to play with a dumbass then experience gender dysphoria every day.

Kageyama not setting to Hinata made the smaller boy feel as though he was back in junior high. He was seen as weak, and it almost felt like it was correlated with his gender. Sure, no one knew his secret, but he still felt as if his gender was the problem.

Maybe he felt this way because his gender was always the source of his problems. This time he was seen as weak because he had a female body, but no one knew he was female. It was always the source of his problems.

Even when Kageyama finally tossed to him, it didn’t feel like he thought it would. He thought it would feel like everything had finally fallen into place, but all it felt like was hitting a ball.

Hinata knew that it only felt this way because it had been a dysphoria day, but it still disappointed him. Suga tried to ask him what was wrong, but he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know that he had let his disappointment show on his face.

They were in the middle of a match and Hinata had no enthusiasm, but he was trying to. He was really trying to jump around and be happy, but the sinking feeling of not actually being a boy kept tugging at his heart.

“You should be happy, I served to you,” Kageyama barked at him and Hinata nodded, it wasn’t like his usual overexcited movements.

“Thank you,” Hinata said, there was no enthusiasm or calling the setter stupid. Suga looked very concerned and Kageyama looked pissed, but Hinata didn’t care; he felt like shit and like he could pass out from how tight his binder was.

Their team started to win, and Hinata knew that he was excited about but he couldn’t feel it. Kageyama looked at him with a fierceness in his eyes and Hinata prepared himself for a lecture.

His thoughts were jumbled and his stomach was beginning to hurt. Natsu had said goodbye to Taiki this morning, not Shouyou. He thought that he could just brush it off, that he could just pretend that it didn’t happen, but when it comes to gender; no one is that lucky.

On his bike ride to school, it began to manifest into his mind that she hated him. Of course she hated him, she had told him that when he first told her. He had thought that she accepted him, she had been calling him older brother until this morning when she called him Taiki.

Kageyama spoke, but Hinata couldn’t hear a word. All he could hear was Natsu calling him Taiki. It filled his ears and made his insides burn.

“I don’t feel good,” he mumbled before falling onto the gym floor. He didn’t faint or anything, he just lost his balance from how dizzy he was.

“Come on, dumbass, we’re in the middle of a match,” Kageyama snapped and Hinata looked up at him with cold eyes. Everyone was silent, just seeing the bitter look on his face made them feel frightened for once.

“Don’t call me a dumbass, and shut up,” he snapped. It didn’t feel good doing that, but the setter in front of him was too angry to speak, so he technically got what he wanted.

“Looks like a commoner is standing up against you, King,” Tsukishima said and Yamaguchi snickered at the comment.

“Did I ask you?” Hinata snapped at Tsukishima, and the smirk on the blonde’s face disappeared immediately.

Hinata was up and ready (not really) to continue by the time Kageyama started yelling at him to stop goofing off. Hinata shrugged him off and looked at him as if he was ready to spike.

Dysphoria days made Hinata not himself. If he repressed the sickness long enough, then he became an ass who couldn’t give two shits.

They won the game even with Hinata having one of the worst dysphoria days he’s ever experienced. He couldn’t believe that they had actually won, even when going against the captain. Hinata couldn’t remember most of the match, but he remembered that as long as he put faith into Kageyama’s tosses, he’d be okay.

As much as he hated to admit it, he knew he was going to need Kageyama. It was a thought he would keep to himself, because if anyone found out; he’d never live it down. There were other things that Hinata thought about that frightened him slightly, because he knew it was wrong.

He remembered the way Kageyama smiled when Hinata hit one of his tosses and scored a point. He loved the smile, but wasn’t sure if it was a normal smile or one from volleyball. All he knew was that it wasn’t like his normal bitter expression, and maybe that’s why he liked it so much.

He missed it slightly, but not enough to message him. The two were still rivals, even if Kageyama was really cute. Appearances didn’t matter when it came to the two of them, because Hinata knew that Kageyama wouldn’t think Hinata beat him just because Hinata was cute or whatever.

With his face in a pillow, and his mind in jumbles, Hinata knew that nothing good would come out of liking Kageyama. It would competing against the setter hard and kill his heart. He would most likely almost fall in love with Kageyama before free falling back into gender dysphoria and feeling along once again.

He was tired of feeling alone. It made him exhausted and nauseated, because it brought the same feelings back every time he realized it. He and Kageyama were rivals and he knew that even becoming the setter’s friend would be deadly as well. It was dangerous for Hinata to get close to people, and he had learned how to distance himself when needed.

Hinata had never been to a training camp before, so he asked Kiyoko how things normally went. It was a very secretive conversation, and it only happened because Hinata needed to be prepared if he could possibly be found out. The principal had told him to not tell anyone, or else he would be stripped of his current state.

It would be like normal practice, but slightly more intense. The only part he didn’t know what to do was showers, but he’d figure it out. He was not going to be kicked off this team before really having any matches.

When Hinata ran past Kageyama at training camp and got himself lost, he forgot that people saw him as a boy for a moment. The lessons his mother had taught him about not going out alone came flooding back to him and he was terrified. After remembering that he wasn’t Taiki to strangers, he calmed down and wasn’t so afraid anymore.

“Your binder is showing,” a voice said and Hinata turned to see a kid sitting on a wall while on his phone. Hinata went white and he suddenly felt as if his chest could collapse in on him at any given moment.

“W-what are you talking about?” Hinata asked, lowering his voice than he normally would and the kid with a phone chuckled.

“The bottom of your shirt is tucked up in it. If it wasn’t for that, I would’ve thought you were a boy,” he said and Hinata fixed his shirt quickly.

“Thank you, I’m Hinata Shouyou,” Hinata said with a smile on his face and kid in front of him smiled back.

“I’m Kenma, and don’t mention it,” he said and Hinata saw the volleyball equipment in a bag by the boy and a wave of excitement rushed through him.

“You play volleyball? What position?” Hinata asked excitedly and Kenma nodded wearily.

“I’m a setter, it’s okay,” Kenma said and Hinata’s thoughts went to Kageyama. The first year setter was crazy about volleyball, and would have never said that it was okay.

“That’s cool! I’m a middle blocker, but I also love spiking!” Hinata exclaimed and Kenma gave him a slightly smile.

“I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable earlier. You don’t have to worry about me telling anyone,” Kenma said and Hinata knew exactly what the kid was talking about.

“How did you know it was a binder?” Hinata asked and Kenma looked at the ground nervously. They both knew that anything that was spoken here wouldn’t leave here.

“I used to wear one before I got surgery,” he said softly and Hinata looked at him as if he was the sun. There was someone like him wherever he was, wait, where was he anyways?

“How did you get surgery so young?” Hinata asked and Kenma’s eyes flickered from the ground, Hinata, and the phone in his hands.

“I had a health problem with my breasts, they were too large and caused bad scoliosis. The doctors asked how much was needing to be taken away, and I said all of it. They weren’t really for it until my mom spoke to them,” Kenma said quietly and Hinata looked at him in amazement.

“Did it hurt to get surgery?” Hinata asked curiously, he was too afraid to look up anything about the aftereffects of top surgery.

“Yeah, it hurts a lot, but it’s worth it. I don’t experience dysphoria as much as I used to,” Kenma said and he looked uncomfortable, his body was shaking and his eyes weren’t staying in one place.

“I experience dysphoria a lot, it leaves me in a bitter mood and sick. Was yours like that?” Hinata asked, he was so curious that it could probably kill someone.

“I never get sick, but I get depressed. I don’t like leaving the house or anything, and it takes my friend an hour to convince me to get up,” Kenma said and Hinata nodded. Maybe everyone experienced dysphoria differently?

It was quiet between them until a boy with black hair came to get Kenma. It was then that Hinata realized that Kenma had been lost as well.

“Bye, Kenma,” Hinata said as he waved goodbye and the blonde gave him a small smile.

“Bye, Shouyou,” Kenma said and the orange haired boy smiled vibrantly. He continued to smile even when Suga found him and took him back. His smile never diminished until he went to sleep that night.

Someone had called him Shouyou, even when they knew that he was transgender. Kenma didn’t ask for his real name or say anything rude to him about it. It was nice to know that someone was supporting him.

The first person to find out that Hinata was transgender (on the team) was Suga. It had been by accident, but Hinata had cried anyways.

The club room was empty and Hinata was putting on a binder when Suga walked in. The poor third year didn’t mean to see Hinata’s chest, but he had and turned around immediately with a yelp. This caused Hinata to scream and hurry to put on his binder even faster than normal.

“I’m so sorry,” Suga said and there was no question until he heard Hinata crying. “Are you decent?”

“Yeah,” Hinata sobbed out and Suga turned and walked over to the sobbing boy. His first instinct was to rub his back, but when that didn’t help, he ran his fingers through his hair.

“I won’t tell anyone, but who all knows and how long has this been going on?” Suga asked and Hinata let out a shaky breath.

“My family, the principal, Kenma, and now you know. I’ve known since my fourth year in elementary school, but I’ve been dressing as a boy since junior high,” he said and Suga knew that Hinata was about to start crying even harder soon.

“It’s okay, but why didn’t you tell Daichi and me?” Suga asked and Hinata choked on his tears.

“I was worried that I wouldn’t be allowed on the team. This is my dream, being on a boys’ volleyball team, and the principal said that if anyone found out; I’d have to wear a girl’s uniform,” Hinata cried and Suga’s heart broke in pieces at the sound of that.

“You’re welcome on the team no matter what. You’re still our Hinata, the only kid that can hit Kageyama’s quicks. We love you no matter what,” Suga said reassuringly and Hinata’s sobs slowly decreased and there was a sigh from the orange haired boy.

“I was just really afraid,” he whispered and Suga brought him in for a hug.

“We’re all afraid at times, so it’s okay. If anyone is ever rude to you about it, I’m here for you and will beat the shit out of them,” Suga said and Hinata made a mental note to never make Suga mad ever.

“Can we not tell anyone? I like being seen as Shouyou instead of Taiki,” Hinata said, his voice was small and velvety. Suga was caught off guard by the boy’s voice, and assumed that maybe he had been lowering his voice this entire time.

“That’s fine, we can wait as long as possible,” Suga said and after they made it look like Hinata hadn’t been sobbing, they headed to practice as though nothing had happened.

The next person to find out that Hinata was transgender was Kageyama. It had been an accident once again, but this time the two had been roughhousing with each other. One thing led to another and Hinata had fallen to the floor and his shirt raised up to show off his binder.

“What the hell are you wearing?” Kageyama asked, it was weird to see a half a white tank top on the smaller boy’s body.

“It’s called a binder,” Hinata said nervously, if Kageyama wasn’t so confused then he would’ve went to get Suga or Daichi because Hinata was starting to hyperventilate.

“What does it do?” He asked and the boy on the floor stops breathing. Kageyama has never really felt the need to comfort Hinata before, but he felt the need to now.

“Well it hides the fact that I have boobs,” Hinata whispered before getting up, fixing his shirt, and getting the hell out of the gym. Practice was over, it had been for five minutes, but Hinata always waited for everyone to leave the club room.

Kageyama started at the running boy, he was confused.

Why did Hinata have boobs?

The next three days were filled with Kageyama trying to figure out why a boy like Hinata would have boobs. Hinata was small and in shape, or was he? That had been the first time he saw him without his shirt on, so maybe he was self-conscious of his weight? He didn’t seem overweight though, he actually seemed to be underweight.

He had several contradictions lingering in his mind. Hinata was small, he could zip around the court under everyone’s legs since he was so small. He worked out every day, rode his bike to school, and he was in volleyball. Why would he be overweight if he was so active? Could he have boobs and not be overweight?

Kageyama was staring at the boy, they were in practice and Hinata was speaking to Suga. The two had hushed voices, and no one could hear a thing they were saying to each other. Well that was until Hinata accidentally yelled, and his voice sounded–feminine?

“Suga-senpai! You can’t be serious!” He yelled and suddenly it clicked in Kageyama’s head. Why Hinata had boobs, and why his voice sounded like girls in his class.

“Dumbass Hinata!” Kageyama yelled and everyone looked over at him frightened by the sudden yelling. Everyone looked confused, Hinata hadn’t done anything wrong since practice had started.

“What, Bakageyama?” Hinata asked, his voice still feminine, but there was no sign of caring. He looked at the raven haired setter irritated, and Kageyama was just angry.

“Can I speak to you outside?” Kageyama said through his teeth and Hinata looked over at Suga confused.

“We can continue our conversation later,” Suga said and Hinata nodded before going with Kageyama outside, only to be whacked upside the head.

“What was that for?” Hinata asked, his voice was lowered once more and Kageyama didn’t know why he missed the sound of the feminine voice.

“You’re a girl and you didn’t tell me,” Kageyama whispered shouted, knowing that anyone from the team could come out at any moment. Kageyama was dense, but he knew that no one else on the team knew about Hinata’s secret.

“Did it seriously take you this long to figure that out? I said I had boobs,” Hinata said, his voice was higher now. Kageyama could really hear the frustration within the spiker’s voice and he nodded.

“You didn’t say you were one, I just thought that maybe you were chubby or something,” he said and Hinata pinched his nose out of annoyance.

“You’re so stupid. You haven’t told anyone, have you?” Hinata asked and his brown eyes were shining with something that Kageyama knew as fear. He’d never seen this kind of fear in someone’s eyes before, this had some sort of vibrancy to it? Then again Hinata always added some sort of vibrancy to everything.

“Of course not, I wasn’t even entirely sure that I was even right,” he said and Hinata sighed out of relief. “Why are you pretending to be a boy?”

Hinata stopped moving when Kageyama asked that question, he looked as if he would pass out or throw up. His fearful eyes moved from the ground up to the setter, but they went back down to the ground once more. Suddenly Suga was next to Hinata’s side and Kageyama looked at the third year curiously.

“What are you doing here?” Kageyama asked, his voice harsh and strict. Suga’s look had the same kind of intensity as the younger setter’s voice, and for once; Kageyama was terrified of Suga.

“Break is over, get in there, Kageyama,” Suga said, his voice coming out cold and hard.

“What about Hinata?” Kageyama asked and the look Suga gave him caused him to shiver. It felt as if knives were going through Kageyama and the younger setter was frozen for a moment.

“Get back in there, or you’ll get punished,” Suga threatened and Kageyama hurried back into the gym. He was slightly shaking and on edge now.

Suga came back in the gym, several minutes later, and Hinata wasn’t with him. Kageyama wondered where the spiker had gone. What did Suga know about Hinata? Did he know that Hinata was dressing up as a boy? Did he know why Hinata was doing it?

Hinata was sitting next to Kageyama at lunch, as if nothing had happened yesterday. The first year setter was acting awkward and never looked at Hinata straight on. It had been like this during practice that morning as well. It was driving Hinata insane, and reminded him of junior high. Then again, many things reminded him of junior high.

“What’s your deal?” Hinata asked and Kageyama looked in the smaller boy’s direction, but not at him. Hinata’s hands formed fists and he began to grit his teeth.

“What are you talking about?” Kageyama asked, his voice was strict and hard. Hinata hit the boy in the shoulder with a growl.

“Look at me when I speak to you! Just because I’m transgender doesn’t mean you don’t look at me!” Hinata yelled and Kageyama stopped breathing. Hinata could see realization hit the taller boy, and he couldn’t breathe.

“I need to leave,” Kageyama said and he quickly got up and left the roof. Hinata sat by himself, feeling tears forming in his eyes.

He couldn’t breathe and he knew that he should tell Suga what had happened, but he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t get Kageyama in trouble. It wasn’t his fault for being disgusted, he had been taught to be that way.

Hinata just wished that this sinking feeling in his chest would go away. He knew this would happen, but he started liking Kageyama anyways. He was rejected before he even had a chance, and it felt like one big joke. He shouldn’t have even tried to be the setter’s friend, they were rivals after all.

Kageyama wanted to talk to Hinata about what had happened at lunch, but the small boy wasn’t at practice that afternoon. Whenever anyone asked where Hinata was, Daichi and Suga ignored them. Everyone just wanted to know where the small decoy was.

“Is Hinata okay?” Kageyama asked Suga during a break and the glare that Suga gave the younger setter made him just walk away. Suga was mad at him and he didn’t know what for.

There was no Hinata at morning practice and Kageyama was really confused about what had happened to the small spiker. He went by Hinata’s class to see if he was there, and he was. He was sitting at a group of tables with kids in his class, eating.

It felt like a spike to the chest to see Hinata eating lunch with someone else, but what Kageyama do? Go in there and demand that Hinata eat with him? He wasn’t going to embarrass himself just because the decoy was mad at him. He’ll just eat lunch alone, like how he used to.

Kageyama was waiting outside of Hinata’s classroom for him after school. The smaller boy departed from his friends to walk over to the setter with a questioning look on his face.

“What are you doing here?” Hinata asked, no one looked at the two of them, well except the girls who liked Kageyama.

“I wanted to talk about what you said yesterday. I got permission from Daichi to be late to practice, so let’s go talk about this somewhere else,” he whispered and Hinata looked at him curiously before going with him.

The only rational thing that Hinata could think up of was that Kageyama was going to beat him up. He was going to relive his second year of junior high and stuck once again. Hinata was shaking by the time they made it to the roof, the place where he was left alone yesterday. His stomach was forming knots, ready for Kageyama to beat him up.

“I was wondering if you’re using–are you crying?” Kageyama asked as he turned towards the small boy. Hinata was wiping his face as he let out a choked cry.

“Please don’t beat me up, I’m sorry for being this way,” he cried out and Kageyama put aside any hate he had for the boy in front of him. He pulled Hinata into his chest and wrapped an arm around the boy’s shoulders and one pushing Hinata’s head into his chest. Hinata grabbed onto Kageyama’s uniform jacket and the setter wondered if it was out of habit.

“I would never hurt you over this. From all the research I did last night I know it’s not your fault. You were born this way,” the setter whispered and Hinata’s shoulders shuddered slightly and then his breathing evened out.

“Then why did you ask me to come up here on the roof with you?” Hinata asked, it was muffled against Kageyama’s chest. The taller boy let go of the spiker, pushed him away slightly, and his eyes went down to the ground.

“Are you using your binder properly? You don’t wear it all day, do you? What times do you wear it?” Kageyama asked, concern filling his voice and Hinata tilted his head curiously.

“I wear it during morning practice all the way to the time I get home. Sometimes I don’t wear it during school and only during practice,” Hinata said, his voice was weak and shaky.

“Dumbass Hinata, you’re not supposed to wear it more than 12 hours,” Kageyama scolded and Hinata sighed.

“I have kind of a girly figure without it on, and I can’t not wear it during practice. It’s hard to not wear it when I’m self-conscious of how I look,” Hinata said, his voice was higher and Kageyama sighed.

“You should also stop forcing your voice to sound lower, it can strain your vocal chords. How are we going to be able to do passes if you can’t verbalize them?” Kageyama asked and Hinata huffed.

“You don’t get it. You were born to have a voice that deepens, I wasn’t. My voice is so high, it’s ugh,” Hinata said, his normal voice coming out and being higher than what Kageyama had heard earlier.

“I think it’s fine. Boys have high voices, it’s whatever. You’re still a boy,” Kageyama said and the smile on Hinata’s face pulled at the setter’s heart for a moment.

“You really mean that?” Hinata asked, his voice sounded so happy and sincere. Kageyama nodded and the smile on Hinata’s face was brighter than the sun.

“I’ll do some more research later, and try to figure out what to do about you wearing it all day. It’s really not good for your body to compress for that long,” Kageyama said and soon the two were walking to the club room.

It was minutes of silence before the building was in sight and Hinata sighed. He hated talking about this entire gender thing, it was uncomfortable for him.

“Is it alright if you see my binder again? It’s okay if you don’t, I’ll just wait for you to leave,” Hinata said and Kageyama looked over him with an eye roll.

“Of course it’s fine if I see you in your binder, Dumbass Hinata,” he said and Hinata sighed out of relief. He didn’t want to make the atmosphere between them awkward, and that hadn’t.

Hinata didn’t know what had made Kageyama accept him, but he wasn’t sure if he could handle it. He had been so sure that he and Kageyama were rivals, so any sort of friendship would be eliminated, but Hinata felt Kageyama’s heartbeat when pulled into his chest. It was fast and Kageyama hadn’t been breathing normally either.

He hadn’t expected for Kageyama to have done research over the entire thing. He also hadn’t expected the questions of his binder and the amount of concern in the setter’s voice when talking about lowering his voice.

It had all been unexpected, and he couldn’t handle it. His heart was racing a million miles per hour and only increased whenever he caught Kageyama looking over at him without his shirt on.

“Bakageyama! You perv!” Hinata yelled jokingly, blush on his cheeks and Kageyama was as red as a tomato. Hinata laughed at Kageyama’s expression, which fell after he heard the other boy laugh and he growled at him.

Hinata knew this crush was only growing, and he wasn’t ready for the torture of it. He wasn’t ready to free fall into loneliness again.

Kageyama didn’t know what had gotten into him. Every time he saw Hinata, his heart fluttered and he felt as if he didn’t know how to speak. It was just Hinata, so why did it affect him so much?

It had started after Hinata started speaking to only him in his normal voice. Hinata had said how it would be hard to change for everyone else, because they only knew him as a boy. Kageyama loved Hinata’s real voice, he could listen to it for hours if he really wanted to. He also knew that could be arranged since Hinata could talk for hours.

“Kageyama, are you okay?” Hinata asked, they were eating lunch and Kageyama hadn’t been looking at Hinata. He’d been staring at his food and hoping that maybe the world would swallow him before he realized that he could be in love with Hinata.

“I’m fine, just tired,” he said and Hinata nodded before going back to his lunch. Even though Hinata was quiet, Kageyama’s heart raced with fear that the smaller boy would know that he was falling in love with him.

“Are you sure you’re fine? You’ve seemed out of it recently, and you can talk to me,” Hinata said, his voice was so smooth and Kageyama honestly wanted to cry. He wanted to cry and hug Hinata, and tell the boy how ever since he found out his secret, he’s wanted to hold his hand and kiss him.

“I’m fine, stop asking, dumbass,” Kageyama grumbled out and Hinata believed him. Soon enough the smaller boy was talking about how he’s definitely going to have great serves.
This was normal, the chatting of the small boy, and Kageyama wouldn’t trade it for the world. If he were to confess, it would ruin this. It was ruin this realm of what was normal, and to have that ripped away from Kageyama, it would kill him.

He looked over and Hinata smiled at him, showing all the food in his teeth. Kageyama chuckled as he looked away, blush was rising to his cheeks and he didn’t know what had gotten into him all the sudden. Why had he become so fidgety compared to a minute ago?

“Kageyama, I’m glad we’re friends,” Hinata said and Kageyama nodded. The smaller boy understood that the setter couldn’t put into words how he felt the same.

“When did you realize that you were a boy?” Kageyama asked and Hinata looked over at the raven haired setter. The two were at lunch and that was when they normally spoke about private things. No one ever came up there with them, it was like a section of paradise for the two.

“Fourth year or elementary school. I remember it like it was yesterday, but not the date. I just looked around and realized all the other boys weren’t wearing what I was wearing and didn’t want to be my friend because I was a girl,” Hinata said, his gaze was looking over the edge of the school rooftop.

“Do you still like boys or do you like girls?” Kageyama asked. To anyone else, these questions would’ve been seen as intrusive, but Hinata knew that he was just curious.

“I think I still like boys, but I haven’t given it all too much thought. When your gender is all gaaah, you don’t really look for someone to be with. I’ve never thought about it, because I know that no one will love me. Whoever I end up with, they won’t want to be with me because I’m transgender,” Hinata said and the boy next to him had white knuckles.

“Someone will love you, dumbass. You are bright, kind, funny, and talented; your gender doesn’t take away from that. How could you think that no one would love you?” Kageyama asked, angered and Hinata didn’t understand why.

“What’s gotten into you? It doesn’t matter to you since you like girls, because you’re normal,” Hinata said, every word feeling like a slap to Kageyama.

“It matters to me because I like you, dumbass,” he growled out and then froze. He had just confessed, he just ruined their sanctuary of peace and normal.

“Y-You like me?” Hinata stuttered out and the raven haired boy beside him was speechless. He was terrified and no words were coming out.

Kageyama nodded and Hinata opened his mouth and then closed it about eight times. Both of them were at a loss for words and just stared at each other.

“I think you’re really pretty and I like you too,” Hinata blurted after several moments of utter silence from the two.

“What?” Kageyama yelled out and Hinata nodded.

“I have ever since that first match against Dad Daichi,” Hinata said and Kageyama didn’t know that. The boy here had liked him for a little over amonth, while he had liked Hinata for almost a three weeks.

“I’ve liked you since I saw your binder when we were roughhousing,” he said and Hinata started laughing.

“You really are a perv, Kageyama,” Hinata said, but the smile on his face made Kageyama know that he didn’t really mean it.

“We both like each other, so isn’t the next step that we date?” Kageyama asked and Hinata shrugged.

“I don’t know, I’ve never had a crush before,” Hinata said and Kageyama nodded, signaling that he had never had one either.

“Well should we date? Who would be the girl and the boy?” Kageyama asked and Hinata chuckled slightly, his gaze going down to his hands.

“I don’t think we can date.”

“Why? We both like each other,” Kageyama said and Hinata looked up at the boy in front of him.

“You don’t want to date me, I’m sad all the time. I’m not even a real boy, so we couldn’t do anything later on until after I got a surgery; if that ever happened,” Hinata said, his voice was quivering and he looked like he was on the verge of tears.

“That stuff makes you, you. You’re a real boy to me, whether you have a dick or not. I’m not even good at contact to begin with, so it would be a long time until we ever got to that stuff. We’re all sad, but you can’t let it hold you back,” the setter said and Hinata began to cry.

The bell would ring soon, but the two didn’t care. Hinata found his way to Kageyama’s chest and his tears were getting the taller boy’s uniform wet, but Kageyama didn’t care. The raven haired boy’s fingers were combing their way through the spiker’s hair, and he hated that the small boy felt like this.

“Could you call me Shouyou?” Hinata whispered and Kageyama felt weird. No one had ever wanted him to call them by their first name, was this what friends did?

“Shouyou,” Kageyama whispered back and Hinata grabbed onto Kageyama’s uniform. He held on for dear life and soon the bell rang. The two separated from the other and Hinata wiped his eyes.

“Thank you, Tobio,” he said before getting up and leaving the raven haired setter on the rooftop. Kageyama found himself crying in the mix, but Hinata hadn’t noticed and the setter didn’t blame him.

“He called me Tobio. He’s my friend,” he whispered out before sighing and wiping his eyes. Was this what friendship felt like? Where their emotion was forced upon you and when they hurt; you hurt too? What was this and why hadn’t Kageyama ever experienced this before?

“How do you get someone to date you?” Kageyama asked Suga one day after practice. No one was in the gym with them and Suga seemed surprised by the question.

“You like someone?” Suga asked and Kageyama nodded. He wasn’t sure to exactly say that he liked Hinata, because that would lead to questions.

“They said that they don’t want to date, because they basically don’t feel good enough. How do I tell them that they are good enough? How do I get them to date me?” Kageyama asked and Suga sighed.

“You just have to talk to them, communication is key. If you explain to them that they really are good enough for you, they might still disagree, but you’ll never know until you try,” Suga said with a smile and Kageyama nodded.

“Suga, how weird is it to like boys?” Kageyama asked and Suga raised an eyebrow at him.

“Who is he and is he on the team?” Suga asked and Kageyama blushed.

Of course Suga would be able to read into Kageyama’s thoughts. Or was it because Kageyama seemed to only be interested in volleyball, so whoever he liked had to be the same way as well?

“Well it’s Hinata,” Kageyama said quietly and Suga smiled at him. The smile choked Kageyama and Suga had a gleam in his eyes that frightened the first year setter.

“I’m happy that you have a crush on him, but if you hurt him, then you’re dead. He’s too precious to the team and already has other things going on to be heartbroken. You know what other things I’m talking about, and if you only like him because he’s biologically a girl, don’t even try,” Suga said, his words were threatening, but his tone was sweet.

“I like Hinata because he’s him. He’s a bright jumpy star that loves volleyball. I like his endless rambles and sweet smiles. I like when he doesn’t make sense, and when he hits my tosses so dead on the sound of the ball is deafening,” he said and Suga looked at him amazed.

“So you really do like him?” Suga asked, slight amazement in his voice. He’d never seen Kageyama speak this passionately about anything besides volleyball.

“I do, but he said he’s not good enough to be with me. That he’s not a real boy, but that doesn’t matter. I like him for him, not if he has a dick or not,” Kageyama said and Suga nodded.

“It’s fine to like boys, but people will judge you. It’s a hard thing to live with, but there are some people that you risk things for. There are some people that it’s okay if you lose things for, and Hinata’s one of those people,” Suga said and there was a slight cough at the doorway.

The two looked over to see an amazed Hinata standing there, he looked like he was ready to cry. Kageyama sent him a sincere look, not a smile. Hinata didn’t like it when he tried to smile, he said it was scary. Suga sent the small boy a smile before walking to the doorway where he was located.

“Hear Kageyama out, he’s really upset over you saying no,” Suga whispered to the smaller boy and Hinata nodded. He had already planned to listen to Kageyama, he didn’t want to hide anymore.

Suga left and it was silent in the gym. Hinata was still located in the doorway and Kageyama was standing in the middle. In all the time that Hinata had known Kageyama, the setter looked like a fish out of water in the gym.

“Can we talk?” Kageyama asked, it sounded stupid once he said it, but he knew it was the first thing he needed to say. He needed to make sure that Hinata was up to talking.

“Sure, but can we do it while walking home?” Hinata asked and Kageyama nodded. There would be less chance of one of the team members walking in on the two talking about feelings and Hinata’s gender.

The two walked to the club room and got changed in silence. Suga waved the two goodbye and walked away with Daichi. At first, the walk was quiet and filled with uncomfortable tension.

“I really like you and don’t understand why we can’t date,” Kageyama blurted and Hinata chuckled slightly.

“I’m not a real boy and I don’t want to drag you into all of my gender nonsense,” Hinata said and Kageyama sighed.

“I’m already in it. The moment I found out, I became a part of it. You are a real boy to me. We play together on a boys’ volleyball team, and you are my partner on that team. Believe it or not, everyone sees you as a boy,” Kageyama said, he sounded frustrated.

“I don’t see myself as a boy. All I see is Taiki, and I hate it. I hate looking in mirrors and I hate looking at myself. I’m not a real boy to myself, okay? I’m not good enough for you, because I will never see myself as a real boy until I have had surgery and T,” Hinata said angrily.

Kageyama stopped and looked at the small boy. He couldn’t see a girl standing in front of him, all he saw was a strong willed boy who tore himself down.

“Do you bottle things up?” Kageyama asked the small boy in front of him. Hinata’s hands were clenched into fists and the setter wondered if that was how he got his anger out.

“It doesn’t matter. None of his matters! One day you won’t even like me anymore and I’ll be alone! You can’t see it because you don’t have problems to deal with! You’re cute, girls and boys like you! No one wants to date a tranny, no one,” Hinata said before tears cascaded down his cheeks and Kageyama pulled him to into his chest.

Hinata yanked away from him and held his ground. They were in the middle of nowhere it felt like, and he was sick of this. Sick of being lead on once again.

“I’ll fall in love with you and you won’t be there to catch me! I’ll be alone again and I hate that! You’ll lose interest, say goodbye, and never look back! We’re rivals, Tobio! Don’t you get it?” Hinata yelled before he felt himself begin to crumble.

Kageyama grabbed him once again, Hinata was too weak to protest. Everything in Hinata’s body screamed ‘no’ and wanted to be left to cry alone.

“I want to date you, and I won’t lose interest. I will catch you, no matter how hard it is, but I will watch you. We’re not rivals, Shouyou; partners. I’m going to stay right here, right next to you, and I hope that you will too,” Kageyama whispered and Hinata cried even harder.

“That’s what they all say,” Hinata wanted to scream, but he couldn’t. His body was overtaken by sobs and his mind set at ease by the fingers running through his hair.

Hinata said that the two could try dating, but he didn’t understand the first thing of doing so. He decided to research it, but there were too many rules. There was supposed to be a girl out of the two of them, and Hinata would be damned if he was named that. Kageyama could be the girl and Hinata would be the manly boyfriend who saved his girlfriend from getting hurt.

“Hello?” Kageyama asked, groggily. Hinata was calling him at 10 am, and Kageyama wasn’t entirely happy about it.

“Which one of us is the boy in this relationship? I don’t want to be the girl, I would cry and hate myself, Hinata said and Kageyama realized that this was going to be a serious conversation.

“I was thinking that since we’re both guys, that there is no girl in the relationship. We shouldn’t have to follow gender roles, and we can both ask each other out on dates,” Kageyama said, he was too tired for this.

“Who gets chocolates on Valentine’s Day?” Hinata asked and Kageyama internally groaned. Of course he would think of that.

“You can, I’m not a huge fan of chocolate,” Kageyama said and Hinata huffed.

“Why can’t we both get chocolate? I bet you’re just saying you don’t like chocolate,” Hinata said and Kageyama’s internal groaning could be recorded and played for an hour straight with no repeats.

“Can we talk about this at school? I just woke up,” he said and Hinata huffed once again.

“Yeah, sure. Talk to you at school,” Hinata hung up and left Kageyama feeling like a jerk. This was going to take some getting used to.

Kageyama didn’t know that gender dysphoria decided whether or not you were in a good mood until he looked it up. The past two days have been hell because of Hinata’s gender dysphoria. The spiker seemed to hate any idea that anyone came up with, was extremely bitter, and rarely spoke. During practice he was distant and pretended that nothing bothered him.

He refused to speak to Kageyama unless to tell him to toss to him or that his dysphoria was awful. So the setter decided to do some research, since his boyfriend was basically shutting him out. After reading three different sites about it, he determined that it must suck to have dysphoria.

It could make you go from being confident to wanting to be dead. It explained why Hinata’s demeanor randomly got so cold that looking into his eyes made you have frostbite. Or why he had about no self-worth to him if it wasn’t about volleyball. He claimed that all he had was his jump, and Kageyama understood slightly why he felt that way,
He had read that whenever you experience it, you experience an extreme discomfort. You feel the weight of whatever feels wrong to you, and your perception of yourself is distorted. You see yourself as the gender you were born as instead of the gender you identify as, even if you appear to be masculine or feminine to others.

It manifests a sense of self-hatred into your mind and leaves you feeling as if you are nothing. A common side effect of gender dysphoria was depression. Kageyama didn’t like the thought of Hinata being stuck in the swirling black hole of depression. It made his heart clench.

“Want to walk home together, Hinata?” Kageyama asked and the small boy in front of him turned to look at him. His eyes held ice in them, and Kageyama flinched away from his boyfriend slightly.

“No,” Hinata said, his voice void of emotion and Kageyama huffed.

“You can’t just ignore me, we’re dating. When you’re dating, you’re supposed to talk to that person every day. I said that I was here for you no matter what, even gender things,” Kageyama whispered to the spiker and Hinata’s expressionless stare made the raven haired boy want to shiver.

“I’m going through some pretty bad dysphoria currently, but if we have to talk; yes, we’ll walk home together,” he said bitterly and Kageyama sighed.

“I just want to spend time with you.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, because that’s what I do on dysphoria days. I’m bitter and cold. I can’t fix that,” Hinata said before pulling at his loose t-shirt.

“Is something wrong with your binder?” Kageyama whispered and Hinata shook his head.

“It’s just tight, but I’ll be fine,” Hinata said and he went back on the court, wobbling. Kageyama watched him carefully, even throughout practice.

Hinata began to seem shaky, wobbly, and wheezy. He bent over, hands on his knees, and Kageyama was watching him carefully. Hinata’s chest was heaving, and he looked up at Kageyama slightly before falling to the ground.

Suga and Kageyama were the first two to be at the unconscious boy’s side, everyone else seemed to be in shock. Kageyama was in shock, but he knew what it was.

“It’s his binder, Suga. He wears it for too long, and I didn’t try to stop him,” Kageyama said and soon enough he had picked Hinata up.

This was his fault, he hadn’t found a way to fix how long he had been wearing it. He had made Hinata mad and the boy wouldn’t talk to him. It was all his fault.

“Let’s take him to the infirmary,” Kageyama said and Suga shook his head vigorously.

“No one knows about him besides us and the principal. We’ll just take him to the club room, maybe Kiyoko can help us,” Suga said and the manager was near them anyways.

“What’s going on?” Daichi asked and several others looked confused as well.

“We can’t tell them, he’ll be–, “Suga cut the younger setter off.

“Hinata is transgender, but that’s not the problem right now. The problem is that his chest binder is compressing him too much, and I was wondering if Kiyoko could change him into a sports bra,” Suga said as he turned to her and she nodded.

“I think I have a spare,” she said and he nodded.

“No one but us knows this information about him, so do not tell anyone. If you do, you will be dealing with me and you do not want that,” Suga threatened and everyone nodded.

Suga, Kageyama, Hinata, and Kiyoko left the gym when it fully hit the team what Suga had said. The little ball of energy and sunshine on their team was transgender. Hinata was actually a girl.

The tightness of his chest was gone by the time Hinata woke up. He noticed that he wasn’t in his binder or the gym. He was laying on the clubroom floor, a school bag as his pillow, and Kageyama sat against the wall.

“What’s going on?” Hinata asked, groggily. He felt like shit; his head hurt and his ribcage felt crushed.

“You’re awake,” Kageyama said as he looked at the boy in front of him. He sounded so happy yet sad at the same time, and Hinata was worried for him.

“What’s going on?” Hinata repeated again and Kageyama moved closer to him.

“You passed out because your binder was too tight. You couldn’t breathe properly and just went down. Kiyoko had to put a sports bra on you, and everyone in the club may know you’re transgender,” Kageyama said, speaking fast and Hinata stopped breathing.

“Everyone knows?” He asked, voice shaky and he felt as if he could throw up. Everyone knew that he was a girl actually, they all probably found him disgusting. He was going to lose the best thing he’s ever had over this.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to, but Suga said it had to come out. You were passed out in my arms and I was freaking out. Daichi started asking questions, and I didn’t have an explanation. I didn’t know what to say, but Suga told them,” Kageyama said and he started to cry.

“Why are you crying?” Hinata asked as he reached up to place a hand on Kageyama’s cheek. There was a worried look in his eyes, and he still felt sick, but Kageyama came before him.

“I’ve been so worried about you. I researched about gender dysphoria, and I don’t want you to hate yourself. I think you’re great the way you are, and you don’t need to hate yourself,” Kageyama cried and Hinata knew this was going to be considered a rooftop moment.

“I know that I may hate myself, but I don’t experience dysphoria like everyone else does. Or that I’ve seen. I get really sick, but if I compress it down; I just get extremely bitter. I haven’t been speaking to you the past couple days, and I’m sorry. That was my fault, but I’ve never had someone to talk to about these kinds of things,” Hinata said softly and Kageyama sighed.

“What’s gender dysphoria like?” Kageyama asked and Hinata wondered if he could actually put it into real words what it felt like. He knew it felt ‘blah’ and ‘gaah’, but he didn’t know actually words for it.

“It’s disembodiment, so I’ve read, you know who you are until you look at yourself. You were confident and comfortable until you realized that you’re not what you thought you were. It’s like looking at your life from someone else’s point of view. Things get hard to handle after that, because everything starts racing around in your mind before you’re just tired. You feel sick, tired, and pathetic,” Hinata said and Kageyama listened intently.

“Is there anymore?” Hinata’s eyes went from the floor up to his boyfriend. No one had ever wanted to hear more.

“My stomach starts to hurt and I throw up when it gets really bad. I can barely walk and everything is challenging. It’s almost as if it just wants me dead, because it’s hard to even breathe. If I ignore it though, I become something I’m not. I become my pathetic self, or, as some call it, my depressed self. I can’t find the will to care about anything, and everything feels dull,” Hinata said, he felt the urge to cry, but he knew it probably wouldn’t happen.

He found it hard to cry whenever he got like this, so detached from emotion. Kageyama ran his fingers through Hinata’s hair, and he wondered if this was what love felt like. Was love wanting to know everything about someone, even the bad parts?

“Do you want to go face the team?” Kageyama asked, it was gentle. Everything seemed gentle in the moment to Hinata, and he was afraid of what would happen if he went and saw the team.

“I guess,” he whispered and Kageyama sighed.

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to, but Suga and Daichi were freaked out and want to talk to you,” Kageyama said and Hinata sat up.

His chest didn’t feel so restrict, and he liked the feeling of being slightly free. He didn’t like feeling as if everyone could see curves, it made him feel uneasy.

“It would be easier to just see the team now, it saves time,” Hinata said and Kageyama nodded. He wasn’t being as pushy as Hinata wanted him to be.

The two left the clubroom and went to the gym, it was silent. Halfway there, Kageyama grabbed Hinata’s hand and their fingers clumsily intertwined. The setter gave him a reassuring squeeze and the two let go right before they opened the gym doors. Kageyama went in first and then Hinata after him. The smaller boy’s heart was racing, and everyone looking at him only made it worse.

“Hinata! You’re okay!” Noya exclaimed before running over to him and patting him on the back. Tanaka followed his lead and went up to Hinata and smiled at him.

“Yeah, sorry for freaking everyone out,” Hinata said shyly, he was still lowering his voice and Kageyama sent him a look.

“It’s okay, but is it true that you’re transgender?” Tanaka asked and Hinata looked to the ground before he nodded.

“Please don’t hate me,” he whispered and Noya put his hand on Hinata’s shoulder.

“We could very hate you! You’re our favorite kouhai!” Tanaka exclaimed and Noya nodded.

“If anyone does give you any shit, just tell us though. We’ll deal with them,” Noya said and he reminded Hinata of Suga in that moment.

Everyone was staring at him, analyzing him. Hinata felt as if he was back in junior high. It was a trap, it had to be.

“Hinata, can I talk to you for a moment?” Daichi asked and Hinata nodded slowly before following the captain outside.

“What’s up,” Hinata asked, it was obvious that he was scared and uncomfortable.

“Why didn’t you tell me? What if you had gotten hurt? None of us would’ve known and would’ve accidentally blown your cover,” Daichi said and Hinata sighed.

“I was afraid that you’d put me on the girl’s team and the principal doesn’t really want anyone to know,” Hinata said, he was shaking at how nervous he was.

“We wouldn’t have made you be on the girls’ team, you’re one of us. Whether you were born a boy or not, you’re still a boy to us. None of the team will tell anyone about it, or they will punished. Okay?” Daichi asked and Hinata nodded.

“Okay,” Hinata said softly as he looked down at the ground, still shaking.

“Hinata, we still love you. You’re still the best decoy ever,” Daichi said and Hinata looked up at him with a smile.

“Thank you,” Hinata said before hugging Daichi’s torso and smiling into the captain’s shirt. Daichi wasn’t sure what to do at first until he realized that just needed to hug back.

Once the two were back in the gym, Kageyama was glaring at everyone. Hinata assumed that people were most likely talking about him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Daichi said that he was part of the team, the one thing he had always wanted to be. He looked over at Noya and Tanaka, noticing that the two were glaring at others as well.

“Does anyone have any questions?” Hinata asked, it came out before he had time to even think about what he was going to say.

“When did you decide this?” Narita asked and Hinata chuckled.

“I never decided this, I was born like this. I realized my fourth year of elementary, so I’ve known for quite some time,” Hinata said, he sounded exhausted.

“What’s a binder?” Asahi asked and Hinata looked over at the ace.

“It compresses my chest to make it appear flat,” Hinata said and everyone seemed to be amazed at that. None of them had experience with a binder, and he understood how it would seem amazing.

“Why did you pass out?” Ennoshita asked and Hinata looked over at Kageyama. The raven haired boy looked at him annoyed, but Hinata knew he wasn’t actually annoyed.

“I had my binder too tight. I haven’t been feeling too good the past couple days when it came to gender, and I thought tightening my binder would’ve been a good idea. I’m sorry for passing out during practice,” Hinata said and a hand landed on his shoulder, it was Tanaka.

“You’re forgiven,” Tanaka said and everyone else followed his example. This was the first time that he’d ever felt like love like this before.

He knew that his mother loved him, but it felt like it was forced. This wasn’t forced, this love was pure and real. Tanaka’s hand left his shoulder only to be replaced by Kageyama. The raven haired setter seemed to be radiating off the most love for the spiker, and Hinata hugged him.

Hinata hugged Kageyama because he was happy that someone was finally here to stay. Everyone was slightly surprised at his actions, but Kageyama wrapped his arms around the small boy anyways. Hinata had been through a rough day, and he deserved a hug.

Karasuno was barely winning against Date Tech, it was the third round when Hinata started to feel dizzy. He knew it was his binder, but there was a match going on. They were so close to winning, it was just in their reach.

“Kageyama, we need to finish up,” Hinata whispered over to the boy and the setter knew exactly what the boy meant.

“Are you okay?” Kageyama asked and Hinata nodded as he fanned himself slightly. Date Tech served and the game continued on and Kageyama started to play extra hard.

Everything was going good until a player from the other team noticed Hinata’s binder. The small boy’s jersey’s bottom somehow got caught up in it. Hinata fixed it quickly and the player kept staring at him.

“You’re a girl,” Moniwa said and Hinata stopped moving. Kageyama heard the boy who quickly nudged Hinata.

“Match point, we’re so close,” Kageyama said and Hinata nodded. Moniwa smirked and chuckled, the look in his eye seemed to be demented.

“Come on guys, they have a girl on their team! You don’t want to lose to a girl, do you?” Moniwa asked and the all the players looked at the boy and Hinata looked like he was ready to cry.

Soon enough Karasuno won and Hinata hurried to the bathroom. Kageyama couldn’t keep up with him from how fast the boy had been running.

Hinata changed into the sports bra Kiyoko had just in case he needed to change, and exited the stall. Moniwa was standing against one of the sinks, looking at Hinata with a disgusted expression.

“Oh, it’s the tranny,” he said and Hinata’s gaze went down to the floor.

Don’t look at him, and don’t speak, he told himself. This was like the second year of junior high again, and there was no one to save you.

“I’m talking to you, look at me,” Moniwa said as he grabbed Hinata’s arm and a squeak left Hinata’s mouth. Moniwa chuckled at the noise and shoved the small boy to the ground. “You may look like a boy, but that doesn’t mean you actually are. You’re still a disgusting girl. Do you just need a boy to fix you?”

Hinata closed his eyes, preparing himself to get beaten up (or raped he wasn’t sure anymore), when he heard a loud crash. His eyes opened slowly to see Tanaka holing the guy up against the wall by the shirt collar.

“What did you just say to my kouhai?” Tanaka asked and Moniwa smirked at the second year.

“She’s a disgusting tranny,” Moniwa said and Tanaka was about to punch him when Hinata ripped him off of Moniwa.

“Tanaka-senpai, don’t do it! We still have to play later!” Hinata exclaimed and for once, he wasn’t lowering his voice for the second year. Tanaka’s eyes widened and he nodded before grabbing Hinata’s wrist and leading him out of the bathroom.

Kageyama looked relieved when he saw the two, it had been almost 10 minutes since Hinata originally left. The setter walked over to the spikers and noticed Tanaka holding onto Hinata’s wrist. His relieved expression turned into one that seemed mad.

“What happened?” He asked and Tanaka had an evil look in his eye. Tanaka dropped Hinata’s wrist and the smaller boy ran to Kageyama.

“Someone from the other team was going to beat me up,” Hinata said and Tanaka’s hands were in fists and he shook his head.

“Where’s Daichi and Suga?” Tanaka asked and Kageyama pointed over to where they went. The second year went first and the couple went after him.

Tanaka went up to Daichi and everyone could see anger radiating off of him. Daichi looked at him concerned, and Suga walked over to the two.

“That kid, the one who outed Hinata on the court, cornered him in the bathroom. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I hadn’t been there,” Tanaka said and Daichi straightened his posture. Suga’s jaw locked and his eyes had a fire within them.

“Are you serious?” Daichi asked and he looked over to see Hinata shaking, but there was a smile on his face. Daichi knew that Hinata would pretend to be fine if it meant that he could stay on the team.

“Yeah, I was going to beat the shit out of the kid, but Hinata stopped me,” Tanaka said and Suga growled.

“I’ll go beat the shit out of the kid,” Suga said and Daichi grabbed the setter’s arm and shaking his head.

“You are not going to get us penalized,” Daichi said and Suga huffed, frustrated. Suga had promised he’d mess with anyone who hurt Hinata, and he felt like he was breaking that promise now.

Suga walked over to Hinata and Kageyama, he was smiling and Hinata looked at him with a smile. Suga’s insides churned at the thought of Hinata just putting a mask up for the sake of them team.

“Do you want to tell me what happened in the bathroom?” Suga asked and Hinata’s smile dropped and he looked at Suga frightened.

“Someone from the other team shoved me and called me a disgusting tranny,” Hinata whispered, he didn’t want everyone to know about what had happened.

“Anything else?” Suga asked, his voice was gentle and kind while internally he was thinking of ways to murder the kid.

“He said he was going to fix me, but I don’t know what that meant. Was he just going to beat me up?” Hinata asked and Suga nodded, not able to tell the boy what that actually meant.

“Everything is okay, right?” Kageyama asked Suga, referring the third year’s clenched fists and the older setter nodded.

“Everything is great,” Suga said with a smile and Hinata smiled back at him. Suga determined that Hinata was too pure for this world.

Other teams got word about Hinata, and soon Karasuno was having to protect their precious decoy. He wasn’t allowed to go anywhere by himself, because someone would throw a slur at him. Hinata snuck away though, and he realized it wasn’t the best idea when he was met by a team who couldn’t shut up.

“Hey little girl, want to show us what’s underneath that uniform?” One called out and Hinata’s gaze stayed on the floor.

“Kai, why would you want to see what’s under there. She’s just a disgusting tranny, nothing more,” another one said and Hinata was glaring into the floor. All he had wanted was to go to the bathroom.

“I just want to show her a good time, maybe even fix her problem. Do you think you’re a boy because boys never pay attention to you? I’ll pay extra close attention to you,” Kai said and Hinata felt as if he could throw up.

“Who would want to be with something disgusting as that thing? Kai, you’re not doing the world a favor, it would be better if she just killed herself,” someone said and Hinata hadn’t realized that he had stopped walking.

He was standing in the hallway, that team still looking at him, with his first clenched and tears rolling down his cheeks. All the noise of the boys yelling at him and the background noise started during into static, everything was too much for him in this moment. His thoughts revolved around the fact that they were right, no one wanted to be with something like him. Kageyama probably wanted to fix him.

He was jolted out of his thoughts when someone grabbed his wrist and he looked up to see Kageyama looking at the other team with a death glare. The static faded away and he could hear the boys once more.

“That’s a tranny you’re touching! Don’t touch it and save yourself while you can!” Someone yelled and Kageyama’s glare only intensified.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” Kageyama asked, his voice sounded like knives and a blonde smirked.

“I’m Kai and I’m going to fix your little friend there,” the blonde said and Kageyama was no longer next to Hinata. He was holding the blonde up by the shirt, his fist ready to punch him. Hinata couldn’t move, his muscles were frozen and all he could do was stare at the scene playing out in front of him.

“You want to repeat that?” Kageyama asked and Kai chuckled at the setter.

“I’m going to make that tranny realize that’s she’s a girl,” Kai said, it was slow and every word was dripping with venom.

“Tobio, don’t hurt him!” Hinata yelled and Kageyama’s grip loosened slightly. Kageyama couldn’t just let this kid go, because what if he tried to hurt Hinata? What if this kid tried to ‘fix’ his Hinata?

Someone ripped Kageyama away from Kai, and Kageyama saw Daichi looking at him with a hard expression. He looked over at Hinata to see the small boy crying into Suga’s chest. Suga was glaring at the boys behind Kageyama.

“What did you say to my middle blocker?” Daichi asked the boys and Kai chuckled.

“We were just going to try to make the world a better place by either taking her out or fixing her,” Kai said with a shrug. Daichi’s jaw locked as his glare on the blonde boy only intensified.

“You do understand that threatening to rape someone is harassment? Also, I’m positive that threats towards any players, gets you kicked out of the competition,” Daichi said, his voice seemed light and full of edge. Kai’s team’s eyes widened and they shook their heads. Kai rolled his eyes at his team before sighing.

“Too bad we lost our first match, so we’re already out of the competition,” Kai said, his smile was menacing and Kageyama wanted to growl at him.

Someone pushed past the two Karasuno members and looked Kai in the eye. Kai backed up slightly from seeing the new boy suddenly and Suga laughed.

“You’re still in the competition, I saw your school name on the board over there, and your team won by five points each round. I have no problem going and reporting your ass to whoever is runs this thing,” Suga said and Kai chuckled before placing a hand on Suga’s cheek.

“You’re so cute, aren’t you? That attitude isn’t cute, but I bet I can fix it,” Kai said and Suga slapped him across the face.

“Don’t touch me or any of my members. If I see you anywhere near us, then I’ll go report your team for harassing one of my boys,” Suga sneered and Kai was holding his red cheek.

Daichi dragged Suga and Kageyama away before anyone else got hit or threatened. Kageyama grabbed Hinata’s hand once the four of them got back to watching Aobajasi beat the team they were against. Hinata’s fingers intertwined with Kageyama’s and he placed his head on the setter’s shoulder.

Noya was beyond excited to play the amazing team tomorrow, and Hinata was excited too. For once, Hinata just felt drained even when he wasn’t having a dysphoria day.

“I don’t want to fix you, because there’s nothing to fix. Please don’t listen to those idiots,” Kageyama whispered to Hinata and Hinata eyes looked up to connect with Kageyama’s.

“I’ll try not to.”

Hinata hadn’t expected to be able to see the wide, crazy look in Oikawa’s eyes when he spiked. He didn’t hear the smack of the ball against the court, but when he realized they lost; his spirit shattered.

It had been his fault that this had happened. If he was an actual boy, they would’ve won. If he was an actual boy, he could’ve been taller and gotten over their block.

Every detail hit him, but not at full force. The impacts of each detail seemed to be a push, a push to believe it was his fault that they lost. He couldn’t breathe, every word and breath lodged in his throat as his fingernails dug into his palms.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out and Daichi looked down at him and Kageyama said sorry as well, but after hearing Kageyama speak, Hinata blocked out all sound.

Why would Kageyama apologize? He had done everything perfect like he always did, this was Hinata’s fault. The last time something like this had happened had been in junior high, but the only difference was he lost to Kageyama. In a way, he had also lost to Kageyama once more. Although, it hadn’t been the same way as last time.

Losing to Kageyama was proving to the setter that Hinata couldn’t be a part of the team, and he had done so with that last quick. He was beginning to slightly prove himself worthy in his own eyes, but now he was back at square one. These weeks of hard work meant nothing more than just a slap in the face of he wasn’t good enough.

Kageyama and Hinata were the only two outside, and Hinata knew this would be his only time to properly apologize. His heart and thoughts were racing, because what if Kageyama no longer wanted to be with him now? What if he saw that Hinata wasn’t worthy enough for anything?

“I’m sorry,” Hinata said as he bowed and Kageyama looked at him with a frustrated glare. Hinata wasn’t coming up, and he wanted to hear Kageyama yell at him.

“Why the hell are you blaming yourself, dumbass?” Kageyama asked and Hinata looked up to see the frustrated setter. Kageyama’s face was red and his usual bitter scowl seemed to only grow even more unpleasant.

“If I was a boy, I could be taller. I could be so many things, and maybe I could’ve gotten us that point,” Hinata said and Kageyama looked at him with a pitiful look.

“You can’t really believe that, can you?” Kageyama asked, his voice held a condescending type of anger. Hinata flinched slightly and he let out a huff at the boy in front of him. His brown eyes were full of tears and he grabbed onto his jersey.

“What else can I believe? That it was your fault? That our team is weak? It only makes sense for it to be that I dragged us down. I lost to you and the Great King, and I didn’t want to. All I wanted was to be good enough,” Hinata cried out and Kageyama looked at him disappointed.

“You can’t blame everything on yourself, or your gender. They’re stronger than us, we couldn’t do anything about that. How did you lose to me we’re on the same team?” Kageyama asked and Hinata looked up at him with a heartbreaking expression.

“I didn’t prove to you that I belong on the court next to. I didn’t prove that I could fight on my own. I didn’t prove anything, and I lost. You have your talent and don’t need me to play volleyball, but I need you. I have to have you to have our quicks,” Hinata said, his voice kept cracking and he just struggled through it.

“You don’t have to prove anything to me. I want you beside me, which means more than needing you beside me. You relax me and help me perform at my very best even when you don’t realize it. You don’t need me, you proved that when you were out there with Suga. You can fight on your own,” Kageyama said, his voice meant to sound strong, but it came out as a whisper and tears were forming in his eyes.

“I just feel like I’ve let the team down. I was supposed to be something special, but my gender got in the way. I could someone completely different if I had been born a boy! My thoughts could be completely different! My physical appearance would be different! How can I not blame myself for letting the team down when I could be taller or faster or just better in general?” Hinata asked, he was crumbling. Every word felt like a stab to the chest and Kageyama looked at him with so much concern.

“Shouyou,” Kageyama whispered and Hinata shook his head. Actions spoke louder than words, but Hinata didn’t understand that.

“Don’t try to comfort me when you know that I’m right! Don’t say that name to me when my own mother can’t bear to even try and say it!” Hinata yelled, he was a sobbing mess, but Kageyama didn’t have the will to look away from him.

“I’m glad you weren’t born a boy, because then you wouldn’t be who you are now. You’d be someone else, and maybe you wouldn’t even like volleyball. I’m glad that you’re short and small, because it helps you with your speed. I’m so happy that the majority of your thoughts revolve around volleyball, and that you’ve never given up on it. You’re you and I love it,” Kageyama said and Hinata reached out for Kageyama.

The setter pulled the smaller boy into his chest and kissed his unruly hair. Hinata’s body shook from his sobs and he kept mumbling something into Kageyama’s chest that the setter couldn’t make out. Everything felt fragile in this moment, especially with Kageyama crying into Hinata’s hair.

Takeda-sensei came out to find them in this crying state, and he felt bad for the two. They took these types of things the hardest out of anyone on the team, but he hadn’t expected the two to turn to the other for comfort. He thought the two were rivals, with all the competing they did against each other.

He convinced them to come inside and the team waited for them. It was silent, but the looks that Hinata got from the other team members from his red eyes made him want to be swallowed whole. Were they all blaming him too? Was that why the stares seemed to follow him wherever he went?

Even as boyfriends, Hinata and Kageyama stayed competitive. That’s how they found themselves in some unknown place bickering.

Hinata was terrified that someone would recognize him from the tournament and throw slurs at him. It was always a possibility and he couldn’t stand the idea of it, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell Kageyama this. He didn’t want to admit that he was afraid because his boyfriend would try to be all sympathetic, and Hinata didn’t like that.

He didn’t like to be treated soft because it made him feel less masculine, but he also didn’t Kageyama to be bitter to him like he was with others. It was a constant battle, and Hinata had decided that maybe being treated softly wasn’t a bad thing if it meant he wasn’t constantly glared at.

They ran into Ushijima and then followed him to Shiratorizawa Academy. It was an enormous school and Hinata felt exposed. He was wearing a sports bra today and he was freaking out that people would find out that he was transgender and throw rocks at him.

Once they finally got to the gym, something felt off to Hinata. He felt like someone was staring at him, but he couldn’t figure out who it was or where it was coming from, but it made him feel uneasy. The feeling reminded him of Kai, and he didn’t like it one bit.

The encounter with Ushijima felt rushed in a way, and Hinata didn’t know why it did. He didn’t understand where this weird state of mind of wanting to destroy Shiratorizawa came from, but it was strong.

“You’re the girl from Karasuno?” Ushijima asked and Hinata just stared at him for a moment. He knew that word had gotten out about him, but he was trying to let it not faze him.

“My gender doesn’t have any say in whether or not Karasuno will take you off the top spot,” Hinata said, his voice was light and seemed to keep Ushijima’s attention.

“I don’t care if you’re a girl or a boy, you’re no match for me,” Ushijima stated and Hinata looked at the brunette with wide emotionless eyes.

Kageyama pulled Hinata away from Ushijima and towards wherever they had come from. He didn’t like the fact that people knew of Hinata’s gender, he hated it in fact. Every person who knew was like another inch of nearing the fact that the principal could take away Hinata’s rights.

It was obvious that Hinata was still angry about losing, but only Kageyama could figure out why. Even after their talk outside the competition, Hinata still blamed himself for losing. He still blamed the fact that he was transgender for the loss of game. It also didn’t help that so many schools were learning that Hinata was transgender.

“We need to pass,” Hinata said as the two walked home together and Kageyama rolled his eyes. He knew that, everyone knew that.

It was being drilled into their brains from the moment they stepped in the gym to the moment they left after study time. The only problem was that the two had such a hard time retaining anything that wasn’t volleyball.

“Tsukishima and Yamaguchi are helping as much as they can, but I don’t know if they’re going to be able to get us to where we can pass,” Hinata stated and Kageyama nodded.

“How are we going to pass?” Kageyama asked and Hinata shrugged, he was still trying to figure that part out. If this was a volleyball problem, it wouldn’t be so hard.

“Does anyone on the team blame me for our loss?” Hinata asked and Kageyama looked over at his small boyfriend.

“No, we blame Oikawa for being incredibly strong and reading our every single move,” Kageyama said and Hinata didn’t seem to buy it.

“I just feel like at least one person feels like I’m the problem,” Hinata said frustrated. He had felt like this since the match had ended, but the paranoid feeling had increased since their run-in with Ushijima. It was almost like someone had been analyzing him since the loss.

“You’re that person,” Kageyama said and his hand found Hinata’s. The two intertwined their fingers and Hinata sighed as they walked.

“No, I feel like someone has been watching me recently,” Hinata said, he swung their arms as they walked and Kageyama couldn’t bring himself to make the smaller boy stop.

“Well I like to watch you,” Kageyama said, trying to flirt, and Hinata looked at him uncomfortable. Their arms stopped swinging and Hinata gave him a weird look.

“You sound like a pervy old man,” Hinata said and Kageyama looked embarrassed. It was unpleasant to hear your boyfriend call you a pervy old man.

“I was trying to be cute, dumbass,” Kageyama said and Hinata laughed slightly. The smile on his face was nice to see after this past week.

“You don’t need to try, you already are,” Hinata flirted and Kageyama was mad that his boyfriend was actually good at flirting while he wasn’t.

“Whatever you say,” Kageyama said and Hinata gave his boyfriend’s hand a squeeze. The two fell into a comfortable silence. Hinata started swinging their hands again and would smile over at his scowling boyfriend occasionally.

Moments like this made everything feel easy. Kageyama would randomly squeeze Hinata’s hand, and the smaller boy would squeeze back. Everything felt right for once, and Hinata was overjoyed. He felt like an average boy with his boyfriend, and everything contradicting the statement was out of mind.

Sure, he felt lonely most of the time and Kageyama was his first true friend and love, but during a time like this; it felt different. It felt as if loneliness didn’t exist and Kageyama wasn’t just a first, but a constant. Hinata knew that if he squeezed his boyfriend’s hand, there would be a squeeze back.

Sometimes he didn’t like Kageyama treating him gently, but currently it was all he dreamed about. The steady rhythm of their swinging hands and the side glances felt like a blessing.

Everything felt easy when it functioned like this. Everything had a place where it clicked with something else, and Hinata clicked with Kageyama.

“What are you thinking about, Dumbass?” Kageyama asked and Hinata smiled at him with a blinding force.

“Us,” Hinata replied simply and Kageyama looked nervous.

“What about us?” Kageyama asked, wondering if possibly Hinata wanted to break-up or even maybe Hinata would confess he loved Kageyama.

“I hope we stay together forever, because we work together. We click and I like that; I like how we function,” Hinata said, not looking at the raven haired boy. He was looking up at the stars and he looked as if nothing could touch him.

“We’ll be together forever,” Kageyama said softly and Hinata was glad Kageyama was gentle with him. Hinata finally tore his gaze away from the stars and let it fall to Kageyama.

“Even through my breakdowns and gender dysphoria?” Hinata asked and Kageyama gave him a smile, something that would forever be engraved within Hinata’s mind.

“Even through those things, I will love you and stay by your side,” Kageyama said and Hinata smiled at him, a smile brighter than any star.

“I will love you too,” Hinata said and Kageyama’s smile seemed to brighten. This was the side of Kageyama that no one had gotten to see before and Hinata felt happy that he got to witness it.

Hinata knew that when he woke up the next day, he wouldn’t be smiling or feel anywhere close to this. He knew that he would probably feel dysphoria, depression, and a burden on his shoulders, but he couldn’t let that bother this moment.

Kageyama loved him, he felt happy, and, for once, he felt like a real boy. He couldn’t let those crippling thoughts of dysphoria and depression ruin this moment.

He knew that he wasn’t at a good point with his gender, and he knew that he would still feel worthless from time to time. It was something that was a law almost, but currently it wasn’t. Currently all of that didn’t matter, because eventually it wouldn’t be a law.

The look Kageyama gave him was a knowing one and Hinata wanted to cry. He wanted to cry and hold onto the boy next to him forever, because he loved him.

“Eventually those thoughts will go away, and you’ll be happy. You’ll be the happiest boy around and those thoughts will be memories,” Kageyama whispered over to the smaller boy.

“I love you so much,” Hinata whispered and Kageyama squeezed his hand. The smaller boy knew that Kageyama wasn’t that good with words, and he was fine with that.

The word eventually kept ringing within Hinata’s ears. It sounded so promising and so welcoming that he couldn’t wait for it to happen.