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1. Superman
When Buck entered Eddie’s life, he understood what that meant. Or at least he thought he did.
Buck knew that meant being involved in Christopher’s life. It meant being there for family dinners, scraped knees, math homework, and anything and everything in between. Did he feel ready for it? Hell no. Anybody who feels ready to jump in a kid's life having no experience raising one is clinically insane in Buck’s opinion. But did he want to do it, all of it?
Hell yeah.
What Buck didn’t realize is that Eddie would be gone.
Shannon had run away when Chris was diagnosed. Buck couldn’t blame her, she already did that enough herself. Eddie told him early on in their relationship that Shannon felt responsible for what happened, even if Eddie tried to tell her the opposite every single day.
Christopher was 4 years old when Buck and Eddie said their “I do”s. And he was 5 years old when Eddie was sent to Afghanistan, leaving him in Buck’s care.
Buck didn’t know if it was fate, coincidence, or whatever the opposite of a miracle was, because of course the little guy would need surgery only a few months after his dad went away.
“There’s no other way around it?” Eddie asked. The times they could actually talk on the phone were few and far between, especially with the nearly 12 hour time difference. There was never a good time for a call.
Buck was pacing around the fire station’s lounge at 9pm with his phone to his ear. Chris was staying with Eddie’s Abuela for the night.
“Everyone’s been saying it’d be the best for him. It should help him be able to move around easier, especially as he’s growing up I mean… I was going to just make the call myself but I- I need your word on this, Eddie. You’re his dad-“
“You are too.” Eddie was quick to interrupt. Always so supportive even on the other side of the world.
Buck sighed and finally sat on the couch. He could feel Hen and Chim’s eyes on his back from across the way. He pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut tight. “I know, and I’ll never regret that for a second. But you’re… you’re different, you’ve been there for him his whole life, Eds. I- I can’t make this call myself.”
The line was silent for a while. Buck’s leg was bouncing a million miles a minute and he felt like his entire body was humming with the weight of this decision.
“You said it’s low risk?” Eddie spoke so softly, Buck wished he was sitting right on that couch next to him so he could hold him.
“Yeah.” Buck matched his tone.
Another long pause, Buck could feel the lump in his throat.
“The last time he had a surgery he was too young to remember it.” Eddie’s low drawl ignited a bittersweet warmth in Buck’s chest. It was the same comforting drawl that Eddie would speak into his ear on those low-lit nights in bed or keeping him calm after the chaos of their day-to-day. Telling him everything will be alright while he was in the hospital after being pinned by a firetruck.
He wouldn’t be able to be there for Christopher.
“I know.”
“Can you-“ Eddie must’ve been as choked up as Buck felt. “Can you try to call me before he goes under? I’ll pick up if I can.”
“Yeah.” Buck responded. He had no doubt about it. “Yeah of course I-“ Buck was cut off by the sound of the siren ringing out through the firehouse. “Shit, I gotta run. I love you.”
“Love you too. Now go save a life.”
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When Buck was a kid, he spent his summers outside. Running through the grass, playing every sport he could think of, biking around the neighborhood. He was an overactive kid, he knew it, he owned it, and it led him to the career he’s in today.
The surgery was scheduled for June. Which meant, instead of playing outdoors and enjoying every second before the throes of kindergarten hit him, Christopher would be spending his summer recovering.
He already looked so small in the hospital bed.
“C’mon, pick up pick up pick up!” Buck kicked the side of the vending machine as his phone rang out for the twelfth time that day.
He leaned his forehead on the wall of the empty waiting room and took a deep breath.
It’s not his fault.
It’s not his fault.
It’s not his fault.
Christopher needs him.
Christopher needs both of them.
And only one of them’s here.
Buck got back to Christopher’s room right as Carla stepped out. Buck couldn’t thank her enough for everything, truly. Christopher sat on that hospital bed with a little dinosaur stuffed toy Eddie had given him before he left.
“Hey bud!” Buck put on his brightest smile and prayed the kid couldn’t see through it. “You ready?”
“I’m scared.”
Was there any way Buck’s heart could recover from being shattered into a million pieces?
Buck brought the chair from the side of the room closer to the kid, and sat down, grabbing the hand not holding the little Dino. The kid’s whole hand could fit in his palm.
Buck dialed up his confidence and nonchalance as high as they could go. “Nah, don’t be scared, bud. Ya know why?”
Christopher furrowed his little eyebrows, scrunching his nose a little. “Why?”
“Because I know how strong of a kid you are. You’re like Superman!” Chris held his fist up in the stereotypical pose and neither boy nor man could hold in their giggles. Buck’s heart healed at the sound.
Once their laughter died down, Chris asked the next heart-shattering question:
“Where’s dad?”
Buck sobered and checked his phone one last time. No new notifications. Buck took a deep breath and willed himself to not cry in front of Christopher. He could save his tears for his pillow.
“Your daddy is doing everything he can to protect the country, ok? He’s doing a very important job even though he loves you very much.”
It took a minute for Christopher to think through his next question. “Protect… like Superman?”
“Just like Superman, bud.”
That seemed to calm the kid’s nerves enough while the nurses came in to prep him for surgery. Buck leaned back in his chair.
He just wanted his Superman back.
2. If You Give a Buck a Beer
Buck could not have been more grateful to have the afternoon off. The last call of the day was a pretty intense house fire, and it got sketchy out there for a minute. He didn’t know if the whole team would get out of it ok, but that was the thrill of the job.
Still, the adrenaline didn’t change the fact that he was now running late to pick Christopher up from school.
It took everything in him to not actually speed into the nearly-empty parking lot. As soon as he parked he was out of the car and walking toward the school entrance. Chris met him halfway with one of his biggest smiles and a teacher trailing behind him.
“Buck!”
“Hey little dude!” Buck exclaimed as he picked Chris up from under his shoulders and placed him on his hip.
“I was starting to think” Chris started to say in his joking tone, “you forgot about me!”
“Aw, come on, I could never forget about my little Superman!” Buck smiled at the teacher.
“20 minutes late Mr. Buckley… again.” The teacher raised an eyebrow at him. It reminded Buck of his mother.
“My apologies Ms. Donahue.” He set Chris down and told him to get a head start to the car. “I got caught up on a call at the tail end of my shift. I’ll try to get Carla to come by next time if I know I’ll be this late.”
“It’d be much appreciated, even if Chris is a joy to be around.”
Buck looked at the ground and shoved his hands in his pockets before he looked up again. “Thanks Ms. Donahue, for everything.”
In a different time in his life, Buck would’ve put on all his moves on Ms. Donahue and probably would’ve ended up in a bed with her by the end of the night, drunk and just looking for anything to make him feel good. But now? Buck was married to the greatest man in the world in his opinion. And even though Buck 1.0 may have been a jackass self-diagnosed sex addict, he was never a cheater. So, he had no interest in Ms. Donahue. He was more interested in getting home and having a nice night with his kid.
“Alright bud,” Buck began as he put his seatbelt on, “Any requests?” He glanced up at the rear view mirror to see Chris shake his head from the backseat. “Shuffle it is then!” Chris was very excited to leave the school parking lot with the windows rolled down and ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ blasting.
Later, Buck turned down the sounds of the Jonas Brothers just enough to talk over it and be able to hear Christopher.
“You knew I was coming for you, right Chris?”
“That’s what Ms. Donahue said.” Chris replied in his soft-spoken way.
Buck had a gnawing feeling in his gut that something more was on Christopher’s mind, so he pushed, “And you believed her, right?”
Buck glanced in the mirror again to see Chris fidgeting with his own fingers. “I didn’t know who was gonna pick me up.”
Deep breath, Buck.
“I know it’s hard to know, buddy. Especially with my job it’s hard to know what’s gonna happen. But I need you to know that no matter what, I’m always gonna fight with everything I’ve got to get back to you, ok?”
Chris was quiet for a moment, Buck glanced again. The few seconds of quiet between songs was the only reason Buck even heard him.
“When’s Dad gonna come back?”
Take another breath, Buck.
“Your dad is trying his hardest too, ok? He’s gonna come back soon, I promise.”
Buck knew he should never make promises for something he had no control over, but he needed Christopher to believe him. Buck needed to believe it himself too.
“How soon is soon?”
“In a few months.”
“How many is a few?”
“A couple.”
“How many is a couple?”
“A few.”
“How many is a few?”
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After the endless loop of questions and a hearty dinner of spaghetti and meatball leftovers (a meal Bobby taught Buck how to cook), Buck found himself on the middle cushion of the couch with Chris tucked into his left side.
He missed Eddie. On these kinds of nights he would always have Eddie’s arm around him, the man pressed into his right side.
His right side was cold, and not just because Chris was hogging the blanket that usually lived on the back of the couch.
As the credits to Monsters Inc. rolled on the screen, Buck realized that the little eyes on his left had started to droop closed for the night.
“Alright, wakey wakey, little man!” It’s time to get you into bed!” Buck shook Christopher’s shoulder slightly and earned a scrunched nose in return. “Do you want to walk to bed or do you want me to carry you?”
Christopher was a notoriously independent kid. Just because he looked or moved differently than others doesn’t mean he’s incapable. So, 9 times out of 10 when Buck asked that question, Chris was quick to say that he was good, that he could do it, and Buck never argued with him. Sleepy Friday nights were the 1.
“Alrighty, little man, need anything else?” Buck asked once he was all tucked in.
“Can you read to me?”
“Of course!” Buck clapped his hands together, “What book are we picking tonight?”
“If you give a mouse a cookie!”
“You got it dude!” Buck crossed the room to pluck the book from its spot on the shelf and sat on the edge of his bed.
“But can you do the voices like Dad does?”
Buck feels his face fall a bit before he schools it into an easy smile. “I’ll do my best, buddy.”
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Buck grabbed himself a beer from the back of the top shelf, far beyond what Christopher could see and reach. Or, at least until the boy grew up a little.
It was only 9pm. Christopher was sound asleep, and Buck had nowhere to be in the morning.
He sat, alone, on the couch.
Flicked through the channels and the streaming services.
Landed on nothing.
Buck felt selfish. Eddie was off doing what he loved. He was a combat medic, helping save lives and protect the country and all the other bullshit recruiters tell people. Buck knew that Eddie was doing what he needed to, so how selfish was it for him to wish for him to come home? To walk through that door and never leave again? Was it selfish of him to want Eddie here with him, watching shitty reality tv on the couch instead of doing the work he felt so passionate about? Was it selfish of him to want Eddie home and safe just because he never wanted to see Eddie’s dog tags come back to him in a box?
Buck took the last swig of his beer as he tried to drown out that thought.
But he still tossed and turned that night without the weight and warmth of Eddie pressed to his back and curled around him.
3. Sore Spots
Being with Abby was the first step in the transition from Buck 1.0 to Buck 2.0. He knew that. As much as Abby remained a sore spot for him, he was forever grateful for the lessons he learned from it.
He just wish he learned a little more.
“I mean I stayed at that house for months after she left just waiting for her to come back!” Buck was in full rant-mode. He paced around his own living room, voice raised, brows furrowed, and hands flying.
“Mhm, I know.” Carla sat on the couch, a drink in her hand, listening to Buck as she had been for the last 20 minutes, ever since Christopher got picked up to spend the night at a friend’s.
“And now here I am, in his house, taking care of his kid, and I’m still waiting for someone to come home!” Buck was sure he was red in the face by now, and the longer he talked, the harder it was to blink back his emotions.
“Now baby, you know that child is just as much yours as he is Eddie’s-“
“I know.” He cut her off, “I know, and I’ve never regretted that for a second. I love Christopher, it's just… I’ll always be his stepdad, ya know? It was just Eddie and Christopher against the world for so long, it’s still hard to figure out where I fit in. I mean, when we first got married, we felt like a real family.” Buck couldn’t help but smile at the memories as he finally settled on the edge of the couch. “We had this whole ‘good cop bad cop’ thing going for us. I’d give him ice cream and Eddie’d enforce the bedtime. And then, when he left, it’s like-“ Buck tried to swallow the lump in his throat as he tried to find the words, “It’s like I was meant to replace him. And I don’t know how to do that. I can’t do that. I just feel…”
“Stuck?” Carla supplied.
“Yeah.” Buck deflated, falling back into the couch like a rag doll. If it wasn’t such a serious moment he was sure Carla would’ve laughed at him for being dramatic.
“I think once Eddie comes home, things will work themselves out.” Carla put her glass on the coffee table and turned towards him. “You’ll shift into new dynamics whatever they may be and-“
“He’s not coming home, Carla.” Buck shut his eyes against the world. “At least, not yet. He reenlisted for another tour.”
Carla was speechless for a moment, “What?”
“He reenlisted,” Buck stated again, “He wanted to have more time helping and the pay’s good and-“ His voice broke along with the metaphorical dam. He pitched forward and held his head in his hands as his sobs finally escaped him. Carla moved the box of tissues closer to Buck and pulled him into her side, rubbing his back in a way he’s never really received comfort before. “I don’t know how to tell Chris. I just need him back. I just need him back. I can’t keep doing this again, I can't!”
Once Buck’s tears dried and he could catch his breath again, Carla asked another question. “Did you tell him about what it’s been like here without him? About how it’s been making you feel?”
“No,” Buck sniffed, “it’s kinda hard when he’s on the other side of the world and has limited time to call. I’ve wanted him to spend as much time with Christopher as possible.”
“You can’t keep doing this, Buckaroo. You gotta tell him how this is affecting you otherwise he’ll never know. You keep bottling this up and keeping it from him is just gonna cause resentment and that can kill your relationship with him. And nobody wants to see you two go through that. You’ve got so many people in your corner. I think you and Eddie have something strong, and I’d hate to see that go away because of distance.” Carla pulled away and made him look her in the eyes, Buck could never say no to her, “You have to tell him how you’re feeling.”
“How?” Buck dragged a hand across his face, “I’m not good at this… talky-feely… stuff.“
Carla snorted. “You got that right.” Buck paused to half-heartedly glare at her, but she changed directions anyway, “But admitting it is the first step. You’ve got a good heart in you, Buck, and it’s brought you so many wonderful and beautiful things over the years including that bright little boy. But you gotta let him know what’s eating at you, ok?”
Buck nodded, sniffed, and chuckled when Carla forced another tissue into his hands.
“Ya know, I always watched those soldiers-coming-home videos. And I’ve cried at every one of ‘em. Seeing the joy and relief in every one of their faces I just- You can imagine how it feels when someone’s gone, you can try to imagine yourself in their position and… it just doesn’t compare to being actually in it.” Buck looked back at her with red-rimmed eyes. “I thought we were so close to having that moment and now… it’s so much farther away.”
4. On Fire
It was a regular day at the station. The team was spread around, cleaning and restocking the trucks, working out, playing cards, and whatever else was typically done in the time between calls. Buck and Bobby found themselves in the kitchen. It was Buck’s request, he’d watched enough cooking shows that he figured he should try to learn himself.
Bobby talked with a calm but confident ease as he walked Buck through the steps.
“Thanks for doing this, Bobby, I can’t thank you enough.” Buck switched off the burner and moved the sauce pan further back to cool.
“What, cooking for the station or teaching you how?” Bobby raised an eyebrow from his place prepping the lasagna’s cheese mixture at the counter.
“Both I guess. But it’s been nice to, ya know,” Buck gestured with his hands while he found his wording, until he folded his arms in front of him and leaned back on the counter. “Give Chris some home cooked meals for a change.”
“Eddie not a cook?” Bobby asked, keeping his eyes on what he was doing instead of boring into Buck in that pseudo-father way of his. Buck always hated that look but he knew it was there for a reason.
“Nah, not really. I mean he can cook a couple family recipes but still,” Buck grimaces at some of the burnt memories, “Even then, it’s been a while since he’s been home to have one of those nights.”
“I understand. How’s Chris by the way?” Bobby asked as he turned towards Buck. And there was the look.
“Just turned 7 last week” Buck beamed, “I had the day off, took him to the zoo. Got him in to feed the giraffes which he loved” His smile faded, “He was having the time of his life but I still felt like something was missing.”
“Was Eddie able to call?”
“Briefly, yeah. Right before he went to bed. Got the kid smiling the rest of the night. It’s just-“ Buck tries to swallow the lump in his throat before it becomes something bigger, “I’m worried about him going so long without his dad there with him. He’s so… intelligent, I mean he’s already way smarter than me-“
“That sounds about right.” Hen quipped as she crossed to the fridge. Buck opened and closed his mouth like a fish for a moment before the firehouse siren went off.
“Hey!”
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It was a house fire. Nothing extraordinarily out of the usual, as normal as you can get in this line of work.
House in flames, little boy in the second floor window, Buck knew the team could take care of this with ease.
That was his first mistake.
“Buck, get the ladder.”
“On it, Cap.”
Buck wasted no time getting back on the truck and moving into position. He’s done this before. He felt the familiar weight of his full gear on his shoulders and the helmet on his head.
This. The adrenaline rush, the ability to help people in real time, this is what he lived for.
But every second counted in situations like these. Buck climbed onto the top of the truck and hauled himself onto the ladder.
Three points of contact at all times. Two hands one foot, two feet one hand. Buck fell into a natural rhythm, grasping each rung with speed, quick but controlled. Now was not the time to be reckless.
Buck trained his eyes forward, to the little boy in the window. He couldn’t be any older than Christopher. As much as Buck strained to focus on the situation at hand, he couldn’t stop the thoughts rushing through his mind of what if it was his little boy in that window? Would he be ok? Would they get to him fast enough?
By the time Buck was near the edge of his climb, something clicked.
And then it clicked again.
And groaned.
And snapped.
The next thing he knows, his shoulder feels like it’s on fire. Pain radiates from his left side and his head. He feels like he can barely catch his breath.
“Dispatch, I need another RA unit ASAP.”
Buckley blinked up at the pair of eyes above him. At the blue sky above them. He still sees the little boy in the window behind his eyelids.
“Buck? Buck? Can you hear me?”
“Eddie?”
“Buck, it’s Chimney, I’m right here, stay with me.”
“Wha- where’s Eddie?”
Buck could barely move. He tried to sit up but he ended up screaming in pain as a pair of hands tried to keep him lying down. Buck did his best to breathe but they were rapid and shallow.
“Need- Eddie.”
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When Buck came to, his shoulder throbbed and his head ached. He blinked his eyes open and groaned with as much annoyance as he could muster at the realization he was lying in a hospital bed.
“Took quite a fall there, Buckaroo.”
Buck’s brows furrowed at the man sitting beside him on his right.
“Chim?”
Chimney smiled and tilted his head toward the door. “Maddie stepped out for coffee. She’s been by your side practically since she got the call.”
“What-“ Buck pursed his lips as he fought through the fogginess of his mind to form a coherent thought, “What happened?”
“Ladder broke, it was nothing you did, don’t worry. Plummeted 25 feet and only ended up with a dislocated shoulder and a grade 2 concussion. I’m not surprised you don’t remember it. I’d say you’re pretty damn lucky.”
“Christopher?”
“In the waiting room with Carla.” Chim was quick to reply.
“And the kid in the window?”
“He’s ok.” Buck felt the relief wash over him at the same time Maddie stepped back in the room.
“Hey there, Buckaroo” Buck cringed at Maddie’s comment.
“Not you too!” He complained, but he couldn’t keep the smile off of his face. He spent so long without his sister, there wasn’t a day that went by that he wasn’t happy to have her back in his life.
Chim excused himself from the room and Maddie easily took his place. “How’re you feeling?”
“Pretty good with the minimal fall damage.” Buck quipped to try to get that worried, puppy-dog look off of her face. It worked long enough for her to roll her eyes, but it came back in full force.
“Chim said you were out of it for a while.” She took his hand and Buck had no objections about it. It was comforting. The Buckley siblings against the world once again.
“I don’t remember anything past going up the ladder.” He shook his head and immediately regretted it from how the world tilted on its axis as a result.
“Chim also said… that you wouldn’t stop calling for Eddie.”
Buck sobered up at that. It was such an uneasy feeling, being told that your deepest desire was laid bare in a fit of unconscious vulnerability. Or maybe that was just nausea from his head spinning. Or a bit of both. Buck set his jaw before asking his next question, “Does Eddie know?”
“I tried to get in contact with him,” Maddie was using her dispatcher voice, he could tell, he’d heard it before. He felt himself bristle at it, “I was told the message would be passed along but I haven’t heard back.”
Buck looked up at the ceiling. He didn’t know what he expected. They weren’t due for another call until the end of the month. Anything they got in the meantime would be spotty at best.
Even then, the reality of where Eddie is comes crashing back. Buck knows he isn’t truly safe till he’s at home. Not knowing is the worst part. If his husband is alive and well or dead in the field. He could be hurt a lot worse than Buck is right now.
Buck thought back to the last time he was hurt on a call. Just a couple of stitches, nothing major. But Eddie was running to be by his side as fast as possible. Eddie held him close and whispered every pet name in Spanish he could think of.
He thought of what Eddie would say to him now. He thought of what he would say to Eddie if the roles were reversed.
He didn’t have an answer.
Buck squeezed his sister’s hand and forced a tight-lipped smile. “Thanks. I’ll be ok.”
5. The Christmas Wish
“Lookin’ great! Just need some time to cool down. Which one of us is gonna be on sprinkle duty?” Buck asked as he pulled out the tray and set it on the stove. He windmilled his left shoulder after he closed the oven door, wincing at the last slight twinge that was left.
“I wanna be on sprinkle duty!” Chris happily yelled out from his spot at the kitchen table that was only half-cleared off from the baking process. Just enough so the remnants of their batter making wouldn’t get on Christopher’s paper. His message was too important to write on dirty paper, or at least that’s what had Chris told Buck.
“I’ve been demoted to frosting duty again?” He acted exasperated, earning him a giggle in reward. Buck went to sit down at the table next to his son, he leaned the majority of his body weight on his elbows, slouching in the way his mother had always reprimanded him for. Still, he noticed the way Chris flipped over his paper as soon as he approached. “What’re you asking Santa for this year, bud?”
“I’m not telling you.” Instead of the usual laughter that accompanied Chris hiding his drawings until they were finished, Chris was quiet. He went so far as to cover the paper so Buck couldn’t try to read any writing that might’ve bled through.
“C’mon, buddy, I’ve told you Santa and I are old friends! You can tell me what's on your list.”
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“But he wouldn’t budge! I was gonna try to sneak a peek at it, but he insisted on hiding it and hand delivering it.” Buck complained, folding his arms, partially from his distress and partially from the chill that was passing through.
Their small firehouse family was spending their day off at the station. As if they didn’t spend enough time there as it was. But apparently a “Santa at the Station” event would be the thing that brings people in to donate. Buck and Hen found themselves next to the toy collection tables where Maddie was volunteering.
Hen shrugged beside him, her hands in her pockets. “Maybe you just have to wait it out and he’ll tell you when he’s ready.” She supplied.
“But what if he’s never ready?” Buck argued, “Christmas is a week and a half away and I have no idea what else to get him. I picked up a couple new dinosaur pajama sets but… he deserves something special.”
“Because Eddie’s gone again?” Maddie raised an eyebrow and stated the obvious. Still, Buck nodded, defeated. He leaned his right shoulder on the wall beside him, softly knocking his head on it too a moment later.
He looked ahead of him at the other side of the station. Christopher was patiently waiting his turn with Denny right behind him.
Buck’s face scrunched as he turned to Hen.
“What did Denny want for Christmas?”
Hen chuckled and shook her head, “A PlayStation. Karen and I are caving and getting him one but he’s gotta save up for more games on his own. Or get them for his birthday of course.”
That was no use. Buck already had a few gaming systems at home with a set of kid-appropriate games. It was one of the ways he bonded with Christopher. If anybody asked he would say he let the kid win. He wished that was the truth. But the kid bouncing up and down on the couch was more than enough to heal any of the ‘sore loser’ tendencies Maddie claimed he always had.
It was Christopher’s turn on the big guy’s lap and Buck whipped out his phone from his back pocket and hit record. There was no way he was missing this.
Chimney, dressed in a full elf costume, motioned for Christopher to step closer to Santa’s chair. Bobby, with his face mostly obscured by the hat, beard, and ridiculous wig, grabbed Christopher from under his arms and set him on his knee.
“Aren’t you worried Chris will recognize him?” Maddie whispered. Buck had to lean down a bit to hear her and prayed it didn’t end up on the recording. Buck scrunched one half of his face and shook his head. Christopher had only met Bobby a handful of times, and with that wig? Buck doubted it.
He zoomed in, thinking he might be able to lip-read what Christopher was asking for, but the kid cupped his hand around his mouth and whispered into Santa’s ear.
Buck saw Bobby’s face shift from overly-jolly to more serious. Chris pulled back and Bobby gave him a curt nod and told him something.
Whatever it was left Christopher with a smile as he got off of Santa’s lap and waited by the other end for Denny to take his turn. Hen pulled out her phone for pictures as well.
Buck looked back down at his phone and rewound the video, but the stupid beard wouldn’t let him see what Bobby said.
“Buck, I can hear you thinking from here,” his sister poked him in the arm.
“Says the one who’s been zoned out giving Buddy the Elf heart eyes since before we got here,” Maddie’s jaw dropped but Buck’s attention was already elsewhere. Denny and Chris were making their way towards them and Bobby was getting up to take a break.
Buck grabbed Hen’s arm as she moved to put her phone back in her pocket. “Hen, when they get back here, I’m gonna run off for a second, can you distract Chris?”
Hen looked at him like he lost his mind, “Are you really about to try and shake down Santa Claus for information?”
“Well when you put it like that!” Buck whisper-shouted as the boys came closer, causing Buck to switch gears, “Hey, buddy! How’d it go?”
“It went really well!” Chris replied, still with a smile.
“Oh yeah? What did you ask for?” Aunt Maddie asked him, Buck made a mental note to buy her a thank-you bouquet.
“I can’t tell you, but he said he would work on it!” Chris exclaimed. Buck crumpled up his mental note. Onto the next plan.
“Hey, I uh, think I left something here on my last shift, I’ll be right back.” Buck excused himself and jogged past the fire engines out of view of his kid. “Bobby!”
Bobby turned towards him. Buck thanked the heavens Bobby took the beard and wig off. He didn’t think he’d be able to take Cap seriously if he kept it on.
“Buck, what’s up?” The man’s eyes looked so genuinely concerned that Buck found it easy to ignore the big red suit.
“What did Christopher ask for?”
Bobby straightened his back. “That’s not for me to tell.”
“Cap, please, help me out here,” Buck pleaded, but Bobby shook his head and placed a grounding hand on Buck’s shoulder. It was the type of attention and physical contact Buck never really had with his own dad.
“He’ll tell you when he’s ready to, Buck.”
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Buck hated when other people were right.
It was Christopher’s bedtime. Buck had gotten him to get ready for bed under threat of the Naughty List. Chris was just about ready to konk out after the exciting tale of Rudolph. Buck tucked him in and had just stood up to leave when-
“Buck?”
“Yeah, little man?” Buck matched the whisper in Christopher’s voice. It was a quiet moment, as if one too-loud noise would shatter and spook its participants.
“Is Santa real?” Chris wasn’t even looking at him, he was looking at the ceiling. Buck kneeled down at the side of the bed, lowering himself to meet Christopher’s eye level.
“Of course, I mean, who else is gonna eat up those yummy cookies we made?” He playfully poked Christopher before switching to a more serious demeanor, “Why? Did somebody say he wasn’t?”
“No,” Christopher admitted, voice still soft, “I just asked him for something really big this time.”
Oh, this was it.
“Ya know, kid. Christmas wishes aren’t like birthday ones.” He grabbed Christopher’s hand and shook it a little as he made his point, “it won’t ruin them to share them out loud.”
Chris pondered a moment. Buck almost thought he fell asleep.
“I asked him to bring Dad home.”
Shit.
“Oh yeah?”
“If Santa’s real, then he can do it.” Christopher said with all the conviction in the world.
And what was he supposed to say to that? Tell his kid that Santa isn’t real and they would be spending another Christmas without his dad? Chris might not even forgive him by Christmas if Buck told him that.
Eddie was always better at these types of conversations. Buck was sure his husband had a sixth sense for what to say to their kid, while Buck had to fight tooth and nail to not fuck up when it comes to Christopher.
Eddie could sit him down and explain difficult concepts in the most simplest of ways and still spin it to be positive. When Chris was just four years old, Buck watched Eddie explain what a wedding was, why he and Buck were getting married, the difference of love between a father and son and between two adults, and why his mom was still gone.
Buck wished he could recall more of what Eddie said to Christopher in that moment, but the way he looked at his son with such boundless love, the way he spoke so softly, the way he hugged Christopher tight? That was what burned into his memory.
He can’t live up to that.
He doesn’t know how.
Here he was, with a husband off being a hero on the other side of the world, fighting and saving lives in a literal war zone while he couldn’t even muster up enough courage to look their son in the eyes and tell him that Eddie won’t be home.
His heart plummeted. Buck’s throat formed a lump and he felt the pressure of emotion behind his eyes. He blinked it back and cleared his throat.
“Yeah, bud.” He said. It was a damning weight that settled on his shoulders. A pain worse than when he fell off that ladder.
He knew he just dug his own grave. Because on Christmas morning? When Christopher wakes up without his other father, Buck will be shoved six feet under.
How do you even come back from that?
Even though the voice in his head was yelling at him to say something more, prepare him for the worst, Buck couldn’t get himself to say anything other than his ‘goodnight’s and ‘I love you’s.
He turned off the bedside lamp in Christopher’s room and made his way back to his own.
And he cried.
He cried for Eddie.
He cried for Christopher.
He cried for himself.
He cried for the Christmas that he knew was about to go up in flames.
He fell asleep that way. With tear tracks on his cheeks, and his hand clutching Eddie’s empty pillow.
+1. Christmas Day
Buck woke up with the same pit in his stomach as when he went to bed.
He spent the better part of the night finishing wrapping Christopher’s gifts and setting them up underneath the tree all while eating the cookies left for Santa.
It took him a bit longer than usual. He kept getting distracted by the ornaments on the tree. He didn’t let himself think about it too hard while putting the tree up. Christopher was bouncing around as he picked the perfect place for each decoration as The Year Without a Santa Claus played in the background. It was a little too overstimulating to be overcome with emotion. But there, in the soft glow of the tree with the fireplace ambient video on the tv, Buck could really feel.
Every important event in their lives seemed to have earned them an ornament. Christopher’s first Christmas, his and Eddie’s first date, their wedding, their anniversaries, birthdays, vacations, promotions, all of it. Moments from Buck and Eddie’s childhoods intermingled with Christopher’s wrapped in the scent of pine.
The one that he lingered on the longest was one made right before Eddie’s first deployment. It was a family effort to create it. Buck hot glued the popsicle stick frame, Christopher added the stickers, and Eddie wrote “Our Family” in his neatest handwriting.
The picture was taken at a firehouse party. Buck couldn’t even remember the occasion anymore. Eddie held Christopher on his hip, and his other arm around Buck. Buck was holding one of Christopher’s hands, the young boy caught mid-laugh. Eddie had turned his head and pressed a kiss to Buck’s cheek at the last moment before the camera flashed and Buck’s smile was ear-to-ear.
Eddie insisted that be the picture that got used in the ornament. Eddie got a smaller copy too. He always kept one in his wallet, and Buck wouldn’t be surprised if he brought it with him on his tour.
When Buck asked him why he liked that image so much, Eddie’s answer was simple.
“It’s both of my boys. You’re the ones that matter the most to me, and I don’t think I’ve seen any picture that shows you looking nearly as happy.”
Buck stared at that photo in its popsicle stick frame for nearly 30 minutes before he tried to drown his sadness and his nerves with a beer.
He hadn’t said anything more to Christopher. He felt nauseous at the thought of navigating this morning without Eddie. Of Chris losing faith in Santa, losing faith in Buck, when the man doesn’t show up. Christopher was still so young, and had made it through so much, and Buck suspected that this might be the biggest heartbreak yet.
6:00am sharp brought small feet and excitement to Buck’s bedroom door, but the pit in his stomach only grew.
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Buck knocked on the door for the third time.
“C’mon, Christopher. I know you’re upset, believe me, I am too, ok? But Aunt Maddie’s gonna be here to pick us up soon, and I need you to get ready. Alright?” Buck had his forehead resting on the door while he leaned his right shoulder on the doorframe.
Buck didn’t hear an answer, but he did start to hear shuffling, and then the opening of a drawer. He turned away from Christopher’s door and ran a hand through his hair in relief. He sent a silent ‘thank you’ skyward before the doorbell rang.
“Merry Christmas!” Maddie was dressed in a plain knitted sweater with a pair of reindeer antlers on her head. It wasn’t close to the most festive Buck had ever seen her be, but it was really nice to see her get back into the Christmas spirit after Doug. At least one of them was.
“It is Christmas, but I’m not so sure about the ‘merry’ part around here.” Buck closed the door behind her as she walked in.
“What happened?” Her doe eyes matched the antlers almost perfectly, and on a normal day, Buck would make sure to laugh about it. But he didn’t have it in him.
Buck lowered his voice to a whisper and pulled Maddie towards the kitchen.
“Everything. It was going ok, Chris was excited, I made cinnamon rolls. But after he got through all the presents and it sunk in that Eddie wasn’t here?”
“Kerplunk?” Maddie raised an eyebrow.
“Kerplewy.” Buck leaned against the counter and mimicked an explosion with his hands, finishing off the quote from one of the Buckley’s favorite Christmas specials.
“What did you tell him?” Maddie leaned against the counter next to Buck, her green sweater a compliment to Buck’s red one.
“That sometimes Santa can’t deliver in the way we want him to. But Eddie’s still gonna come home in a few months, he just couldn’t make it back for Christmas.” Buck sighed, defeated, “He yelled at me, Maddie. I’ve never seen him that upset before. And then he locked himself in his room. I only just got him to start getting ready when you walked in.”
Maddie had that look on her face like she was either hiding something or forming an idea. Buck could never tell which. “Can I try to talk to him?”
“Can’t hurt.”
Buck busied himself with prepping for the team’s Christmas party. Everyone was gathering at Bobby and Athena’s for a late lunch. Denny and Harry would be there so Buck figured Chris wouldn’t be totally bored, but he set to packing some activities for him anyway.
Within 5 minutes, Maddie came out with a fully-dressed Christopher. Buck was convinced she was a miracle worker.
Chris wasn’t smiling, and he still wasn’t talking to Buck, but he wasn’t nearly as angry as he was. If anything, he looked more… pensive.
Buck gave Chris a head start to the car and grabbed Maddie’s arm.
“What did you say to him?” Buck whispered.
“That Christmas isn’t over yet.” Buck’s heart sank. He was furious. How dare she give Christopher more false hope? After the morning he had?
Maddie had already made her way to the driver's seat, leaving Buck to fume and play DJ from the passenger seat.
It was difficult to find songs that fit the mood of the car.
It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year? Skip.
Blue Christmas? Skip.
I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm? Skip.
I’ll Be Home for Christmas? SKIP.
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When the Buckleys made it to Athena and Bobby’s house, it seemed like they were the last to arrive. Buck wasn’t surprised the extra obstacles of the morning made them late.
Athena opened the door for them with a massive smile on her face. Buck had never seen her so happy before, probably because the majority of the times he had seen her, he was getting reprimanded for being reckless. Buck felt bad he could only half-heartedly return the gesture.
“Merry Christmas! Come in, come in!” Athena made sure to hug each of them as they entered.
Her home was always filled with warmth. Soft music drifted in from the living area. I’ll Be Home for Christmas. Buck tuned it out.
“Thanks for inviting us Athena,”
“Of course, Buck. We actually have a special surprise for you two.” She directed her second sentence to Chris, who perked up a bit at the word ‘surprise’. Buck furrowed his brows, confused.
Bobby joined them at the steps to the door with a gray Santa hat on his head, “It appears Santa delivered something of yours to the wrong house last night.”
Christopher made it to the bottom of the steps first, and Bobby stepped back to give him a full view of their giant Christmas tree and the person in front of it.
The entire room was quiet except for Christopher’s gasp.
“Daddy!”
“Hey, buddy!”
Buck couldn’t believe his eyes.
There, kneeling on the carpet.
There, picking Christopher up and spinning him around.
There, gazing back at him.
There.
Eddie was there.
Buck stood shellshocked for a moment.
A small push on his back spurred him forward. Eddie placed Christopher down and reached out a hand. Buck dissolved into tears, joyous ones. He couldn’t even feel his feet move but all of a sudden Eddie was there, in his arms again. Buck hugged him with all the might in the world before they pulled back and kissed. He relished in the feeling of Eddie’s arm around him, his right arm coming up to cup the back of Buck’s head.
The room around them erupted into cheers and applause, and Buck couldn’t help but let out a laugh of disbelief.
“You’re here.” Buck cupped Eddie’s face. Eddie reached up and did the same, wiping the tears off Buck’s face in a vain effort. There was no stopping them. Buck was sure his face was red and blotchy but he couldn’t bring himself to care in the slightest.
Little hands tugged at their shirts. “I told you Santa could do it!”
Eddie bent down to pick Chris up again, bringing him into their little moment. Neither Buck nor Eddie could let go of their little family.
“You did, bud, you were right!” Buck let out a watery laugh as he ruffled the kid’s hair. Eddie couldn’t stop kissing both of their cheeks. Buck looked back at him incredulously. “How?”
It was then Eddie started to look a little sheepish. He brought his left arm in front of him, causing Buck to finally notice the dark cast around his forearm, mostly hidden by his army uniform.
“Honorable discharge.” Buck’s eyes bulged, causing Eddie to laugh. God, Buck missed that laugh. “I’m ok. I’ll tell you the story when little ears aren’t present,” Eddie tickled Christopher’s stomach, making the boy giggle and squirm. “But I had a little help from Santa, an elf, and a reindeer to get back here in time.”
Buck looked around them. It was the first time he became truly aware of the crowd of friends and family that were witnessing this moment, but Buck wouldn’t have it any other way.
He made eye contact with Bobby, Chimney, and Maddie. Santa, an elf, and a reindeer. All three were various levels of teary-eyed, but they were all beating him at holding it together. He mouthed a ‘thank you’ to them as Eddie continued to weave his elaborate tale of his travels.
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That night, Christopher was tucked into bed with a smile on his face. Buck doubted he’d actually go to sleep after all the excitement.
“Jet-lagged?” He asked Eddie as they made the bed with fresh sheets. Buck insisted he spend his first night back with fresh sheets.
He wanted to give Eddie every comfort he could. Especially after an honorable discharge. He didn’t go into detail, but he gave Buck an overview while Christopher played with Denny. Buck was sure Eddie was going to have nightmares about all of it at some point but they’d cross that bridge when they got there. Together.
“Beyond belief,” Eddie chuckled. His phone dinged, and he picked it up from the nightstand as Buck slid into bed. “Hey, Chimney just sent me some photos from today. I think I found my new favorite picture.”
Eddie climbed into bed, and Buck was filled with warmth. There was an unbelievable relief he felt at knowing he wouldn’t have to go to sleep with the other side of the bed vacant again. Eddie shuffled close, wrapped an arm around him, and showed him his phone.
The picture featured their family in front of the Christmas tree. Eddie, in his full uniform, with Christopher on his hip, and Buck at his side. Eddie was kissing Buck’s cheek, and Buck was fully unaware of the camera.
“Oh my god, I look like a tomato” Buck looked at his tear-stained face, “That’s so embarrassing.”
“You look beautiful.” Eddie pressed a kiss to his temple. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“I’m so happy you’re home, Eds, I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of times I wished you were here.” Buck felt tears threaten to escape again. He thought he’d be all cried out by now.
“I know, and I’m so sorry I-“
Eddie was interrupted by their bedroom door creaking open.
“Dads?”
“Yeah, buddy?” Eddie responded.
“Can I sleep with you tonight?”
“Of course.” Buck answered. Eddie helped lift Christopher on the bed who was very eager to fit in between them. Buck draped his arm over his two boys as Eddie turned off the side lamp and they all settled in. Buck’s heart felt like it was so filled it could burst. From the soft look on Eddie’s face, he guessed he felt the same.
“I love you” Eddie started.
“I love you, too” Buck added.
“I love you, three” Christopher giggled.