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Rui yearns.
There’s not a lot she wants; Rui knows he has almost everything he has ever wanted. Five years ago, he could barely dream of what he has now—a good career, stable income, surrounded by everyone she loved.
Even during his time as a trainee, she’d been worried about debuting, stressed to the bone about becoming a part of a group or a concept his heart didn’t belong to.
Then came—her.
Wumuti.
Quiet, gentle Wumuti, who came like a breath of fresh air, whose mere presence brought men to their knees, stern yet merciful. He had never met someone so bold yet so unapologetically authentic, not caring about what the world wants her to be.
Loving, caring Wumuti, who never thought twice about taking anybody under her wing. The first time Rui saw Wumuti fawning over Haru—back when they were on that survival show—Rui knew that Haru had scorned himself in her heart, and even when Wumuti had her hands full, she never hesitated in giving pieces of herself to others, made of pure generosity and kindness.
Steady, unyielding Wumuti, who quickly became Rui’s rock at the very beginning of their friendship, much like she was Haru’s and then Hyun’s. For all the times Hyun ran crying to her, unsure of their place in the group or if they were even worthy of debuting, Wumuti was quick to dry the tears on their face, with nothing but a soft smile and a reassuring promise that “everything will be alright, hm?”
She is so much of what Rui wants. Truthfully, she terrified Rui at first. Sometimes, he thinks it’s jealousy, that maybe Rui wants to become Wumuti, be favored and cherished by all, but the more he got to know her, the more he saw the side of her reserved for only those lucky enough, the more she understood.
When everything began to fall into place, with their group’s debut and the beginning of a lifelong career for all four of them, Rui felt safe, not only because her hard work had finally paid off, but because she knew she was under the guidance of someone like Wumuti, someone whom she could rely on, someone who truly cared for him, no matter what.
Which is why he feels a little guilty about wanting more.
When Rui yearns, she yearns with utmost want. He’d never been one to call himself privileged, but she knows that there are aspects of her life that had been handed to her on a silver platter. Whenever he wanted something, it would always come to him with minimal to no effort. It’s not that he’s spoiled; it’s just that, for all of his life, things have come easily to her.
She has never faced an obstacle she couldn’t go through, or a problem he couldn’t face.
Until Wumuti.
There is an ache in Rui’s chest that she cannot settle, like a hole in his heart that has always been there, but has only made itself known now that Wumuti has wormed her way into her life.
It’s difficult to avoid, too, when they spend so much time with each other, much less live with one another. He’s lucky enough that their dorm situation has changed, with him rooming with Haru and Wumuti and Hyun rooming together. Despite this, spending almost 24/7 with the person you are almost certain you have feelings for can be a harder challenge.
And there’s only so much Rui can bear.
It’s around 9 in the evening when the crew piles into the living room of their shared dorm after a day full of schedules. Rui stretches her arms above her head, trudging tiredly across the room as the other three, somehow still full of energy, burst into the room.
Rui plops quietly on the couch, too tired to care about getting “outside germs” (as Wumuti says) on the cushions. Wumuti is shrugging off her own coat while taking both Haru’s and Hyun’s.
“Are you guys still hungry? What should we have for dinner?” She mumbles absentmindedly before adding, “Rui, coat.”
The younger immediately obliges, shrugging off her coat from her shoulders to hand it to the eldest as Haru quips from the other end of the couch. “Didn’t you buy a new pack of ramen yesterday, noona?”
“Ooh, the new spicy flavor?” Hyun adds. “Sounds delicious, I’m gonna go boil some water.”
Rui stifles a yawn just as Hyun walks off to the kitchen, getting up from the couch to walk to his room. “I’ll pass, you guys eat well, though.”
“Hyung,” Haru pouts, face falling at the thought of them being incomplete during their late-night ramen dinner. “Aren’t you hungry?”
“I had a sandwich, remember?” Rui assured, which was true. He’d snacked on an extra sandwich given to him by his stylist while the others were taking a nap in the Inkigayo dressing room.
“Are you sure you’re not going to eat?” The question feels different when it’s coming from Wumuti, like it’s heavier, and Rui should tread carefully around it. Nonetheless, Rui does feel exhausted, and there is no amount of spicy ramen in the world to quell the weight in his shoulders.
“I’m sure, unnie~” she answers with a smile, albeit wearily. Wumuti doesn’t push, and Rui finally settles into his and Haru’s room.
Rui doesn’t turn the light on, moving sluggishly to grab a change of clothes. Too tired to do his ten-step skincare routine, he still manages to grab a wet wipe to remove the makeup on his face from the day’s events. Once done, he sinks into his bed, letting the heavy feeling from today’s schedule wear off.
Minutes pass, an hour, then two—despite the exhaustion, Rui finds himself unable to sleep. So much is going on in her mind, thoughts she is unable to quiet. After the fifteenth time tossing around his sheets, he sighs, decidedly getting up from bed and walking off to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.
The lights in the living room are off, and the two youngest members are now nowhere to be found. They seemed to have finished their meals, leaving Wumuti—now clad in her pajama bottoms—who Rui found washing the dishes in the kitchen.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Wumuti mutters, not even glancing behind her.
Rui hums, “Mm,” she opens one of the cabinets to grab a glass. “Did they go to sleep?”
Wumuti nods, “Mhm, said they were going to watch Wicked on Hyun’s computer.” She finishes washing the dishes, wiping her wet hands on a kitchen towel. “I don’t doubt Haru will doze off on the first half, though, so I should probably settle in your room for tonight.”
Something about the thought makes Rui both worried and glad. “Okay, unnie.”
Halfway through pouring herself a glass of water from the fridge, Wumuti turns to her side, facing Rui. Her arms are crossed over her chest, and she’s gazing at Rui, watching her every move, as if she’s trying to read the younger.
Feeling unease at the eye contact, Rui clears his throat after downing the glass. “Something wrong, unnie?”
She takes a second to respond, “It’s nothing, baobao.” She leaves Rui be for a second, moving aside to let the other wash the glass in the sink. Then, after a moment, she continues. “I just feel like something’s up with you.”
Rui tenses for a second, unable to face Wumuti in fear of letting herself become too vulnerable. She settles herself first before responding. “What do you mean?”
He feels Wumuti shrug, “You just seem off with me, these days. You spend a lot of time with Haru and Hyun, but not as much with me anymore.”
Rui feels his heart shatter at her words. As much as he’d tried to be subtle about it, it wouldn’t have taken long for Wumuti to notice that Rui had been holding back on her, a defense mechanism he’s developed in order to keep his feelings at bay.
She wipes her hands on the same kitchen towel Wumuti used, then faces the older. “Unnie, I spend the same amount of time with all of you, you know that~” It’s difficult to fake the cheerfulness in front of Wumuti, especially when they’ve both had a long day, but Rui pushes through. “I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve been neglecting you.”
“I don’t feel neglected, really,” she hears Wumuti’s pout before she sees it. “You’ve just been acting different.”
“Different, how?” Rui tilts her head, faking confusion, despite her heart beating out of her chest.
“Distant,” Wumuti claimed, “like you’re hiding something from me.”
Rui does his best not to burst, “I’m not hiding anything, unnie.” He forces a smile. “I’m okay, really.”
Wumuti, once again, doesn’t respond immediately. He’s reading the other, trying to figure her out, as if looking at her for more than a minute would allow her to figure out what was wrong.
Thankfully, she doesn’t pry further into it. “Hm, if you’re sure.” She hums, “Do you want to go to bed now?”
Rui nods before the two trudge back to his room. His bed remains unmade, remnants of the past hour of him tossing and turning still evident. Haru’s is untouched, looking the same as what Rui had seen this morning.
It was often for the four of them to switch rooms for the night, depending on who wanted to sleep with whom (literally) that night. Sometimes, when they couldn’t decide, they would head to Wumuti and Hyun’s room to push the two youngest’s beds together and sleep that way.
When Wumuti sleeps with Rui, Haru’s bed is almost always untouched.
Rui settles into her bed, scooting to one side to make space for Wumuti. The older settles next to her, immediately wrapping her arms around Rui’s form. The younger goes rigid for a second before letting himself relax, burying his face into Wumuti’s neck for comfort.
He’d give himself this, at least.
Moments pass in silence, and Rui can feel Wumuti’s breath against the top of his head and the slow rise of his chest. He thinks she’s fallen asleep at first, but then he feels her hand begin to softly rub comforting patterns against the small of his back. Rui sighs at the feeling.
Another minute passes by, then Wumuti speaks. “Bao?”
“Hm?” Rui asks, teetering at the edge of slumber. “Yes, unnie?”
“Whatever it is that’s bothering you, just know I’m here, m’kay?” Wumuti mumbles against her hair, and Rui nearly keens at the affection. He feels her heart soar, and it’s unbelievable how a few words and a soft kiss to her head has Rui acting up. “You know how much I care. About you, especially.”
“Mm, I knew I was your favorite, unnie,” she answers against her chest. “Thank you. Our ever so dependable leader~” It was meant as a joke, to lighten the tension.
Wumuti chuckles, “Well, that’s what your eomma is for, right?”
Rui’s heart breaks a little at her words. Whatever soared high a second ago has now plummeted six feet below the ground. How foolish of her to have expected that Wumuti meant something else for a moment.
“Yeah,” Rui responds, swallowing down the lump in his throat. He pulls away from Wumuti’s hug to turn over the other side, back facing against the eldest. “We should really sleep, now.”
If Wumuti found his reaction odd, she doesn’t say. She doesn’t even bother reaching out to the other anymore. “...m’kay, baobao. Good night.”
Rui doesn’t respond.
Rui knows that Wumuti’s doing it again, trying to read her like a book. They’ve both known each other for quite some time, and it should be easy for both of them to read what the other wants or thinks, but not like this, not when Rui is so adamant to hide what he feels for the other, in fear of ruining everything they’ve worked for.
Wumuti knows she should keep prying, ask Rui what’s wrong, and break her down until she confesses, but for the first time in their relationship, she feels, no—knows, that Rui is pulling away from her. She doesn’t understand why, and she wants to, but no matter what she does, no matter how hard she breaks Rui’s walls down, the other only keeps building them back up.
And Rui. Rui wants nothing more than to tell Wumuti everything. For as long as she can remember, she’s confided in her, all of the secrets, the times he needed Wumuti to cover for her. But now, the one thing she can’t tell Wumuti, the words she can’t even bear to say out loud to herself, wants to break free.
Rui wants to break himself free from the shackles he’s placed upon himself. She wants nothing more than to yell at the top of her lungs these feelings she can’t bear to suppress.
But for what, exactly?
She knows, deep in her heart, that it wouldn’t get her anywhere. These feelings, whatever they may be, will remain unrequited, and she will only burden Wumuti, the one person who’s helped her, who’s taken care of her for so long, with the weight that Rui himself cannot even bear to carry.
Wumuti only sees her as a friend, a child even, the same way she looks at Hyun and Haru—someone to take care of. And it kills her, the way he knows that she will never see him more than that, more than the kid she met during a survival show that she had to take care of.
But if Wumuti gave him a chance, he’d bear it all; give her everything he could, give her his whole being, with nothing left, if she’d asked. Even though he knows Wumuti would never, Rui would let her take, take, and take until he was nothing left but a husk of himself, he’d give himself to her entirely—bones and all.
It’s pathetic, isn’t it?
Rui knows. He knows too much. He knows it’s late, nearly two in the morning now, and he should probably sleep, but how could she? With the one thing she’s ever wanted in her entire life inches away from her, sleeping soundly? Wumuti feels so close, but so far away.
Maybe one day, Rui will find the strength to move on, when Wumuti finds someone better, someone who she’ll see as a man, not a child, not someone she’s responsible for. Maybe when that day comes, Rui can still swallow down all of this weight inside of her, for the sake of their career, for the sake of his sanity—for the sake of Wumuti.
But tonight, she’ll let the feeling eat her inside out, for it’s the only thing he can do; let the love that’s never belonged to him eat him alive, until there’s nothing more.
Until everything’s gone—bones and all.