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The Armed Detective Agency was unusually peaceful that afternoon. Peaceful enough that Kunikida dared to bring out his planner, Yosano brewed tea without interruption, and even Ranpo had fallen asleep with a half-finished lollipop dangling from his fingers.
In the middle of the office, however, three young agents sat around a table with the kind of intensity usually reserved for life-or-death missions.
Atsushi leaned forward, earnest and troubled.
Kyouka sat with her hands folded neatly, her expression calm but firm.
Kenji smiled, as cheerful as ever, but his brows crinkled with stubborn certainty.
They had been at this for twenty minutes already.
“So… I’m telling you,” Atsushi said, pushing his bangs back as he tried to keep order, “Cats are perfect. They don’t lie. They don’t obey people unless they choose to. That makes them noble.”
“No,” Kyouka replied immediately. Her voice soft, but her conviction sharp as a blade. “it has to be dogs. Dogs are friendlier. That’s just… objectively true, right?”
Kenji shook his head vigorously. “You’re both wrong! Cows are the friendliest animal in the whole world! Back home, if you smile at them, they smile back! Sometimes they even give you milk as a present if they really like you.”
Atsushi blinked. “Kenji… I don’t think that’s how milk works.”
“It is if you ask nicely,” Kenji insisted with a confident nod.
They devolved into rapid-fire protest.
“But cats—”
“But dogs—”
“But cows—”
No one was winning. No one was backing down. They were about to drag the argument into the realm of pseudoscience (Atsushi nearly quoted a BuzzFeed article) when a voice drifted over the back of the couch behind them.
“Ahh, youth,” Dazai mused dramatically. “So full of passion… and idiotic arguments.”
Atsushi stiffened.
Kyouka looked up, eyes narrowing slightly.
Kenji brightened. “Dazai-san! Good afternoon!”
Dazai popped his head upside-down over the back of the couch like a hanging bat. “Good afternoon to you too, sunshine.”
Atsushi hesitated. “…Were you listening this whole time?”
“No, Atsushi-kun, I wasn’t listening,” Dazai said with a serene smile. “I was eavesdropping. It’s practically a hobby.”
Atsushi muttered something about boundaries, but Kenji hopped closer.
“Dazai-san, would you settle something for us? Which animal is the friendliest in the world—dogs, cats, or cows?”
Dazai blinked. Then he grinned like the devil about to ruin three lives for fun.
“Well,” he began lightly, “since you’re asking for my brilliant, unparalleled expertise…”
The trio leaned in.
Dazai raised a finger.
“The friendliest animal in the world is clearly—”
They held their breaths.
“—humans.”
Silence.
Even Ranpo stirred in his sleep, as if offended.
Kunikida’s pen snapped cleanly in half.
Atsushi stared. “D…Dazai-san… what?”
Dazai continued proudly, warming to his own nonsense.
“Think about it! Humans can smile, shake hands, pet things, adopt animals, share food, and build whole civilizations around cooperation. What other species creates friendship bracelets? Or writes sappy poetry? Or gives chocolates on Valentine’s Day?”
Kenji raised his hand. “But humans also do wars.”
Dazai waved that off. “Minor detail.”
Kyouka tilted her head. “Humans betray people.”
“Character development opportunity.”
Atsushi frowned. “…Humans literally invented taxes.”
“Okay, that one’s unforgivable,” Dazai admitted with a wince. “But still! Humans are the friendliest animals. We even domesticated wolves out of sheer desire to cuddle them.”
Kunikida slammed his planner shut.
“That is the single most unscientific oversimplification I’ve heard today.”
“Thank you, Kunikida-kun,” Dazai replied sweetly. “I do try.”
The younger trio fell into yet another argument—but now it wasn’t between them.
Atsushi: “Dazai-san, humans bite people too!”
Kyouka: “Sometimes they stab people.”
Kenji: “Sometimes they explode buildings by accident.”
Dazai placed a hand over his heart. “And yet, here we are, a group of humans who haven’t stabbed, bitten, or blown each other up in at least a week. Isn’t that friendship?”
Atsushi groaned into his hands.
Kenji scratched his head in confusion.
Kyouka blinked slowly as if regretting her life choices.
Dazai slid off the couch in a fluid motion, got to his feet, and patted all three of them on the head like an overworked kindergarten teacher.
“My dearest children,” he said warmly, “the answer is that the friendliest animal is whichever one brings you comfort. Because friendship isn’t measured with logic—it’s measured with affection.”
Atsushi softened. “That… actually sounds kind of wise.”
Kyouka nodded. “I suppose.”
Kenji beamed. “So cows can be the friendliest!”
Dazai smiled.
Then ruined everything.
“Of course,” he added casually, “if we’re being realistic, the friendliest animal is obviously Tanizaki. He gives me snacks when I ask.”
“DAZAI.”
“Stop influencing the juniors.”
“I don’t think Tanizaki counts as an animal.”
The office dissolved into chaos.
Dazai slipped away quietly, hands behind his head, humming as he walked toward the exit.
Atsushi called after him, “Where are you going now?!”
“Oh, nowhere,” Dazai replied nonchalantly. “Just to find a dog, a cat, and a cow to prove I’m right. If the cow hugs me back, you all owe me lunch.”
Kunikida shouted, “No cows in the office!”
But Dazai was already halfway out the door, waving lazily.
The three juniors looked at each other.
Atsushi sighed. “We… shouldn’t follow him, right?”
Kenji put on his hat. “I’m definitely following him.”
Kyouka quietly picked up her katana.
Atsushi whimpered.
And thus, the great “Friendliest Animal Debate” ended with the three young agents chasing Dazai down the street while Kunikida screamed in the background.
Just another Tuesday at the Armed Detective Agency.