Chapter Text
“Why did you even become a hero?”
Batman’s harsh voice rings in the cave. It happens after a failed mission - by both their standards. There weren’t many casualties sure and they managed not to get anyone killed but the mission took unexpected and unneeded proportions. Because of Kal.
They are in the batcave, specifically in the medbay. Batman has removed the upper parts of his armor and his pale skin is glistening with sweat and blood. His own blood unfortunately. Because of Kal. There are bandages around his ribs and a nasty bruise starting at his clavicle and ending at the end of his sternum. His gestures are swift with anger but Kal doesn’t miss the underlying of fatigue that never leaves the man.
He screwed up. Big time. He has only recently managed to get Batman to work with him for extreme cases and he goes and messes up ! His collaboration with Batman is an affair of a few months. Months of distrust, arguments, threats and reluctant partnership. Months of work, discussions and involvement. He tried so hard to get Batman to stop cursing him off every time they meet. So hard to get him to call him when the situation gets dire enough. So hard to be if not his friend, his ally !
And it all topples over tonight. Because of his mistake. The plan was simple - is always simple when they work together - all he had to do was follow everything Batman told him. It started well, the fight was quick and the evacuation that followed remarkably easy. Until Superman noticed a detail they hadn’t accounted for, the apartment complexes toppling over like a set of dominoes. Thinking back on it, it would have been fine had he kept to the plan, but he hadn’t. There was a child, right there in front of him and the need to help, to save as much people as he could, to save the people in front of him got so strong he deviated.
It ended up with much more casualties than needed, Batman almost getting hurt and Kal definitely getting hurt - but it doesn’t matter, he doesn’t care about himself that much. The little girl had been saved but now she is spending the night in the ER because her parents hadn’t. Because Superman had been too slow.
He can guess what Batman expects to hear. Something along the lines of ‘to save people, as much people as I could’. However, it wouldn’t be the truth and Clark is too tired to lie. Too hurt to pretend.
“Because of you actually” he chuckles dryly.
The light of the sun lamp isn’t as comforting as usual. He would say it feels like a burn if he even knew what it felt like. His mouth is moving almost too fast for his brain to catch up. Ironic don’t you think ?
“I’ve heard of you and saw you on the news and I got inspired. You were so strong and good, so unbelievably awesome…I wanted to be just like you.”
He shakes his head, resolutely staring at the floor. He feels awful, he would cry if it didn’t ask so much of him.
“I’ve had these powers all my life and they were completely useless. They couldn’t even numb the ache in me. This strange hole I have always felt because I’m alien. Because I’m different. But Superman saves people. Superman changes life. He pulls people out of danger, he gives them hope ! Superman has a purpose. Superman is liked.”
He breathes in and slowly, lifts his head and turns his gaze to the masked vigilante at his left. Batman is as still as the gargoyles he likes so much, Kal can barely hear him breathe. He was clearly not expecting this onslaught of information, he very obviously doesn’t like the turn of the discussion. Kal isn’t as kind as people believe. He is anything but kind really.
“I became Superman because saving people feels good. I became Superman out of a selfish need to be of use, to be wanted. An ugly desire to be needed !”
He can see the moment Batman closes off. It’s in the set of his shoulder, in the narrowing of the lenses, in the half step he takes backwards. Clark can tell the moment Batman realizes he should have never opened to the alien from Metropolis, he should have never agreed to work with him. Batman must feel so stupid to have mellowed out to him. He must feel so betrayed because he had started to trust him. He had. He had stopped telling him to fuck off, quite the opposite in fact. He had started talking to him, letting him in, laughing with him.
And Clark ruined that with a single mistake. A mistake that is giving reason to all of Batman’s fears and paranoia. He is losing an ally, a friend. And maybe it’s for the best. Batman will chase him away and threaten him never to come back and Kal would and just like that, this stupid crush he had been nurturing will die. Or so he hopes.
But it feels good to love, to be in love. Thinking of Batman sends butterflies flying in his stomach and plasters a lovesick grin on his face. He doesn’t worry so much about being other. He doesn’t think of all the lies his life is made of, all the people he failed and the ones he keeps on failing. With Batman, he is that perfect balance of both Clark and Kal. Batman doesn’t mind his powers anymore, Batman doesn’t care that he fell from another planet. Batman cares about his actions and his intentions.
Being with Batman has been easy lately, he should have seen the signs. The world had never liked it when things became easy for Clark Kent.
“Well, I don’t need you” Batman snarls.
Clark doesn’t know what he sees on his face but the vigilante instinctively takes a step forwards, mouth open, hand outstretched. Kal hears his heart break in his chest and the hole gets a bit bigger. But he is used to it, he can live with it. He forces a smile on his lips and nods.
“I know”
It doesn’t matter that he will cry himself to sleep tonight and all the nights in the near future. It doesn’t matter that he will never once again get to hear Batman laugh. It doesn’t matter that Kal had been wanting to tell him his secret identity for weeks now. Because Kal-El is a liar, and a good actor. And he can pretend. Yes, he can pretend that…
“…it’s okay” he whispers.
He flies away before Batman can hurt him any further.