Work Text:
‘Do you wanna know, know that it doesn’t hurt me.’
Mike Wheeler sits in a stingy plastic hospital chair, staring aimlessly at the unmoving (but breathing!) as Lucas loves to exclaim. Redheaded girl laying in front of him as Kate Bush lightly plays from the cassette player propped up next to Max.
He’s here all the time—watching Max. Lucas rarely leaves and when he does Mike fills in his place. So does El and the other members of the party, but Mike the most. He sits and he stares. Sometimes he cries. Cries because he’s not like the others. “I should have done something to help her!” It wasn’t uncommon that Lucas would start like that which followed a “There’s nothing you could have done, Lucas. The plan went wrong but it’s not your fault” Someone else would say. Not all the time was it Lucas, sometimes it was Erica, or El or even Nancy who carried the guilt of her plan being the one that got Max…What was it that Max was?
She wasn’t dead, “She’s breathing! Can’t you see? She’s not dead, she'll wake up!” But she wasn’t in her head was she? El tries and tries anytime she visits, peering into Max’s mind but never finding her.
Mike tried his best to comfort anyone who carried the guilt of Max’s fate because he knew he was the one that held it all.
He had started having symptoms a couple days before leaving California, he hadn’t said anything because frankly it wouldn’t do any good. He left which caused Max to be possessed, for her to be the bait..not him. He wished he would have stayed in Hawkins, maybe Max would be spared, Vecna would see that Mike was a more ‘useless’ target and take him instead.
But he hadn’t.
Mike left and now Max was bedridden. They didn’t know if or when shemd wake up and it was all his fault.
Sometimes he couldn’t do anything but cry just sob into his hands, begging for forgiveness from Max. Pleading with her to wake up and forgive him, he just wanted her to know that if he knew what was happening to him he wouldn’t let that happen to her.
She never woke up of course and Mike began talking to her, letting out things he only whispered to himself at night or scribbled down in a notebook that was hidden under his bed.
“I hate myself” was the first thing he ever said to her, feeling the weight of his shoulders slip just a little as he confessed.
“I can’t stand to look at myself. I’m disgusted. I don’t know what’s wrong with me….”
“I..I had them too—Fuck! I should have stayed. The-n maybe it’d be me instead of you. I hate this for you. I hate it. I hate it. And it’s all my fault. I’m so sorry Max..I’m so…”
“It shouldn’t be you, it shouldn't! Why is it you?! Huh! Why are you hurt? Not accessible by El but I—Me! Mike the fuck up Wheeler completly okay? It’s not fair, it's not!”
But each and every time he spoke she never woke up. Never twitched, moved or even changed her breathing. Mike didn’t even know if she could hear him, hell if she was even there.
‘Do you wanna hear about the deal I’m making?’
No one ever paid attention to the words the song pushed out. It was always white noise, something that everyone blocked out. Except for Mike, he listened to the lyrics he understood—he got it.
‘And if I only could, I’d make a deal with God—”
That’s what Max wanted—or thought she wanted. She wanted to trade places with Billy, the guilt was weighing her down. So much that she wanted to die. But she hadn’t really wanted to die. Mile heard it from El whenever she opened up about what she had witnessed that night. Max didn’t want to die, she wanted to live. And now that wasn’t even her choice.
‘And get him to swap our places.’
Mike looked up at the radio, an idea brewing up in his head.
He knew what to do.
——————
Letters.
That was the first thing Mike did. Whenever Robin and Steve came in to watch over Max he eagerly biked home. He had a mission, he had a purpose. And he was going to be as useful as he could for as long as possible. Once reaching home he scrambled upstairs, picking out pieces of paper to scribble down letters each individually addressed to the people he cared most about. He was teary eyed, this was goodbye, for all he knew. Maybe he’d die, maybe he’d end up like Max—he didn’t know but he had to at least explain what he was doing to his loved ones.
His letters to The Party were filled with apologies, anything he could think of to ease the self-hatred he had for how he’d treated them. In Will’s specifically, he confessed—confessed all the disgusting Queer feelings he had for him. He knew Will didn’t feel the same but he couldn’t possibly go on without letting that out, speaking out words he refused to say. In the others he explained why he was doing what he was doing, that he had the symptoms before and that it was his fault Max was like this and that he was going to fix it.
Nancy’s letter was filled with reassurance, that it wasn’t her fault and it was instead his. She’d blame herself. Mike knew that and he was trying everything in his ability to get her to not do so.
His mothers letter was the hardest to write he wrote on and on about the Upside Down. She needs to know. To know what was happening and what she’d find if she wanted to look at his body. He didn’t want her to see that, he’d rather jump off the Quarry without El to save him before he let her do that.
Tears were dripping down his face when stopped writing, his hand shaking the further on he got. He pushed through, however of a mess he felt he still enveloped and addressed each letter. Leaving the stack on his desk for his loved ones to find once it was too late.
He took one last look at his bedroom, giving Holly a hug as he passed her room before leaving his house forever.
————
Vecna watched Mike, he was aware of that. Sometimes he could feel it. Hear the soft ticking of that fucking grandfather clock. He wouldn’t trust another trick, if Mike started screaming to the walls about all his faults and insecurities he wouldn’t fall for the bait again and Mike would just be standing there looking stupid.
He’d have to risk his life.
Mike was a part of his plan, if Mike died at something that wasn’t the hands of Vecna himself it’d seriously jack up his plans. So he picked the Quarry. It held a symbol of Mike’s self-sacrificing tendencies when it came to his friends. Vecna would take the bait, there’s no way he wouldn’t take it.
He stood at the edge of the cliff. An eerie sense of dejavu setting in. He looked around, no El. He declared to himself before he shuffled a little closer to the edge. If he took a step he’d fall. Vecna wouldn’t let him. Mike knew that. So after taking a quick breath, Mike stepped off the cliff.
At first it felt like nothing. Like missing a step on the stairs or those few seconds before you hit the water after jumping into the pool. It’s calm, accelerating even. But as the cold dark water gets closer and closer without something interfering with his jump, Mike begins to panic.
He was wrong.
Vecna wasn’t watching him. And if he was, he wasn't taking the bait. He was going to die. He was going to die and he failed. Max was still comatose in the hospital and Mike couldn’t save her. The guilt burns his veins and he chokes up a sob. He failed. As he’s plummeting to the water he closes his eyes he’s terrified he’s going to die.
The harsh impact of the water threatens to break every bone in his body…but it doesn’t? He burns everywhere. He’s sinking under the water but he’s not dead, he screams. The water fills his lungs and he’s choking, choking on the harsh water as he plummets farther and farther into the deep water.
Mike attempts to swim up, but it’s worthless, he can’t move. He can only scream and watch as he drowns. Wishing he were anywhere but here.
Suddenly he’s not in the quarry anymore. He’s…
On dry land?
Mike’s drenched in water, he reeks of dirt and something else…What is that smell? He’s heaving on whatever surface it is that he’s on, he’s hacking up water and his lungs burn they're on fire and he lets out a whimper as the burning only continues, not getting better or worse.
His vision is cloudy, the water and the tears mixing in so all he sees is blurred red. Everything he sees is red, a deep dark red that can’t be anything but blood. That's the smell he declares as he pulls himself up. Bringing his knees to his chest to sob. There's a crackling above him. It’s storming that’s all he can assume but he can’t think he can’t think straight, what is wrong with him—what’s going on?
Is he dead? Is this hell? Is he being sentenced to live forever in torture?
“Michael…”
A low gargled voice speaks his name and Mike feels a chill run down his spine.
Vecna.
A small wave of relief washes over him as it dawns upon him that he’s not dead. His plan is working.
Mike springs up, a sudden burst of motivation pushing him to stand up.
He can see now. He’s in what he assumes is Vecna’s mindscape. Everything’s covered in red and blood, but Mike tries to ignore it. His head whips around where is he?
He sees a few pillars of wood, mangled bloodied bodies hanging up on them. He stifles a gag as his eyes trail them. ..1..2..3…? There's a fourth pillar, but no body. That's.. That’s a good sign! Max isn’t here she’s somewhere else and Mike just needs to find her.
He starts off into a sprint, trying to imitate Max. See where she would have gone. If she was here, which way would she go? He turns going farther and farther away from where he started. He prays that he’s going the right way so that he’ll find her. He wants to call out but that’s too risky. Vecna doesn’t know his plans. And Mike can’t possibly let him know them now. He’s letting Mike run, playing with him. He knows no one is aware of where Mike is so there's no floating portal caused by music to bring him out, he has no escape route.
The mindscape is beginning to no longer look as destroyed as it did from where the pillars were. Maybe it’s Max? She’s run so far she created her own safe haven is that it?
Mike’s still running when he is met with a contrasting color to all the red. It’s black. Black and blue he observes, with his eyebrows raised he steps further.
It happens so fast Mike isn’t sure what’s happened until he’s met with a familiar setting. The movies. Whatever movie is playing is dull in the background. Mike’s up at the top, looking down at the seats, no one’s there it isn’t the way he remembers. He and Will aren’t there and neither are Max and Lucas. Not a memory. He accounts. Max has to be somewhere here.
She won’t be in plain sight. Max is too smart for that, so he takes the chance at calling her name.
“Max!”
He doesn’t get a response.
“Max! It’s me, Mike!” His voice vibrated off the walls.
He takes notice as he’s listening for a response that it’s not a movie he hears, it’s Kate Bush. The song is playing low, that’s probably what’s keeping her here but is it enough for her to go back to her body?
“Max! Please, I don't know how much time I have! I-I’m not him trying to trick you, please come out!”
There’s nothing but the sound of Kate Bush and Mike’s breathing and he’s beginning to think his plan is going to fail and he’s royally fucked.
At first Mike thinks he’s hallucinating. It’s easy to make yourself see anything when you're literally in someone else's mind. But it’s when the red hair doesn’t go away and instead peaks up from under a seat that Mike knows he’s found Max.
“W-wheeler?” Her voice is hoarse. She's looking at him with so much hurt that Mike wants to cry. How much has she gone through? How long did she suffer before Mike could come and save her?
“Y-yeah it’s me.” He smiles, but it’s sad. He’s found her and now he has ro move on to the next part of his solo mission.
Max rushes up to him, pulling him into a bone tight hug, Mike can’t think of any one time the girls ever hugged him but he hugs her back. Because he’s not sure he’ll hug anyone after this.
“Where’s El? Did she bring you here?” She’s looking up at Mike with so much hope that there’s others, that this is a big plan where everyone’s involved and that it isn’t just Mike here for her.
“I…” He can’t say it. It was so easy talking to her when she was sleeping, she couldn’t look at him like that. Like his decisions weren’t ruining his life.
The realization trickles into Max and she’s suddenly gripping his arms with so much force Mike has to stifle a gasp. “Mike…You didn’t!” She looks so hurt Mike has to blink back the tears that are beginning to weld up in the corner of his eyes.
“I told you I was going to save you, Max. I’m keeping my promise.” He tries to smile at her, at an attempt to reassure her but he’s sure it’s not working.
She shakes her head, tears falling down her face. “No. I won’t let you, you can’t. Not after all you’ve told me. We need to talk. I can't do it—I won’t wake up without you.”
“You heard me.”
“Sometimes..It’d be hard, but yes I heard you Mike. I can’t let you do this.”
Mike looks into her sad eyes. “I have to do this. It’s my fault you're like this. It should be me. I’m just fixing what’s right. I want to be useful, just once before I die, y’know,” He sniffles, he’s trying so hard to be strong but it’s so hard.
Max squeezes her eyes shut as an attempt to block everything out, maybe when she opens them Mike won’t be there and they won’t be having this conversation. But they are. Mike is still there when she opens her eyes and she desperately wants to drag him along with her, not leave him here. “You are useful, Mike! Don’t say that—don’t.”
Mike smiles at her. “I’m glad I could save you. Go.” He pushes away from her, tears blurring his vision.
“No. N-no! You can’t do this to me, you can’t Miek!” She’s pleading with him at this point but she knows he won’t change his mind. He’s Mike Wheeler after all.
“I’m at the Quarry, by the way.” he breathes out, forcing the words to come out because his loved ones deserve to at least know where his body is.
Max lets out a sob as Mike completely pulls away from her, no longer holding eachothers arms. It’s time. It’s time and Max doesn’t want it to be. She reaches back for him but he simply shakes his head.
“I’m sorry.” Mike smiles at Max as he pushes her away. He watches as she falls through the floor of the theater. She’s screaming at him, screaming at him to stop. The scenery warps away from the theater and it’s then and there that Mike knows she’s safe.
Now for him on the other hand..
————
Max screams as she awakens. It’s abrupt and cruel. She’s numbed up on pain-killers, can barely see and feel but she knows she’s awake and that Mike was real. What he did. What he did for her, was real and that he was gone.
Voices are clambering around her. “Max! Oh-my god, get the doctors! Get the goddamn doctors Dustin!”
“Okay—Okay no need to yell, Shit!”
“Max! Oh my god can you hear me?”
“L-lucas?” Her voice is weak, barely above a whisper.
“Yes! It’s me! Holy fuck you awake, I’ll go tell the others theyre here too.” He’s holding her hand, Max notices when he lets go.
She blinks, her vision is still blurry she can’t see far away but when a few familiar faces are upfront he can see who they are.
“Max!” it’s El, her hair is…longer? from the last time she’s seen her. ‘How long was I out’?
“Where…where’s Mike?” She attempts to turn her head which rewards her with a clambered ‘No!’ from the teens crowded around her.
“What do you mean?” Will, Max identifies.
Max’s breath catches in her throat and she doesn’t want to believe it. If he’s not here then it was real—he’s going to. Is he gone already? They need to find him—They need to—.
“Max, breathe! What is it with Mike?”
“T-the Quarry, he’s sacrificing himself to Vecna. Go save him!” Her words come out as a strangled cry and she’s pained by her inability to move her arms due to the cast’s because she so desperately wants to cover her face with her hands and sob.
“He’s what?! How do you know?!” Luca’s questions and Max has to keep in the sobs wracking her body.
“I can explain later—just find him!”
“I’ll piggyback.” El mutters rushing out to find something she can use as a blindfold.
________
Mike takes in the temporary peace that instills on the Mindscape. Vecna will be angry. Once he realizes what Mike did, he still can’t believe it. He found Max and he woke her up. Now he has to prolong his own suffering.
“Michael.”
Mike whips his head around. In an instant he was back with the cackling sky and decaying bodies on pillars.
“You let Maxine go..I see.”
Mike can’t say anything. He wants to spit something at the piece of shit that’s standing in front of him, but he can’t. He’s paralyzed with fear that he’s beginning to regret his plan. Maybe he didn’t have to do this alone.
Mike opens his mouth to speak, but he’s cut off by being slammed against the fourth, no body pillar.
“Your suffering is coming to an end, Michael Wheeler.” As a clawed hand raises up to Mike’s forehead, vines wrap around his ankles and wrists. He struggles against the vines, but it’s no use, he can’t move. He can’t escape, he’s trapped and he’s going to die, alone.
He struggles against the pillar, letting out soft sobs as he can feel his legs breaking. He screams, pain gutted screams escape from his mouth as his other leg snaps. He cries out. He’s in so much pain, he just wants it to be over. His arms are snapping before he knows it and he’s aware the end is near. He’ll be dead, he did a good thing. Maybe he should just…
He closes his eyes, his life flashing before his eyes and he can’t help but sob as he remembers what he’s leaving behind.
“Friends don’t lie.”
“Crazy together, right?”
“Hawkins isn’t the same without you.”
His eyes are next. He can feel it. He waits for the pain but it never comes, he pries open his eyes darting around the hellish world.
“El?”
She looks at him with a sad smile before putting her attention back on Vecna. They’re fighting. El’s winning Mike assumes. He tries to focus, to pay attention but he can’t. The pain is soaring through his body and it’s so hard to stay upwards.
He doesn’t know how much time has passed until El is in his face, she’s stumbling trying to get him to run. “Whe—are we?” He tries to ask but he can’t speak coherently and he gives up entirely as he feels his consciousness leave the Mindscape.
Coming back to his body is painful. Collapsing onto the ground in unknown arms doesn’t cushion his fall enough and he screams. It shakes the trees around him and he’s sure he can be heard from miles away.
“Mike!”
“N-nancy?” He chokes on his words, it’s so painful to speak but he still does it anyway.
“Yes! I’m here Mike, so is Lucas, Will, Dustin, and Jonathan. We’re all here for you.”
Mike closes his eyes, it hurts to keep them open. “Oh…Cool.”
“Mike! Keep your eyes open, please!” Will is pleading with him but he doesn’t give in.
“H-hurts! It hurts—I can’t.”
“C’mon man, just hold on a little longer. Jonathan called an ambulance, just hold on. Please!”
“..Lucas?”
“Y-yeah? It’s me.”
“Max…She’s awake right..?” Mike’s words take longer to form; he can feel his consciousness slipping but he’s trying to hold on.
“She is…That was you, right?”
“Mhm…M’sorry for making you go through this again..” Mike trails off. He can’t keep up anymore. He can’t hold on any longer so he takes one final breath before taking his last.
“M-mike? Mike!”
_____________
Max waking up was supposed to be celebrated, they’d all be gathered in her room, informing her on everything that happened. And Mike wouod be there. But he’s not.
It’s everything all over again, Mike is propped up in a similar hospital bed. His arms and legs are in casts, his eyes are different, they weren’t affected like Max’s was. But he’s sickly and pale, he looks dead. Dead and unmoving.
Max borderline fought for the doctors to let her in a wheelchair to visit Mike. Everyone wanted answers from her. She wanted to tell them, get the burden off her shoulders. She just needed to see him first, yell at him first—then cry over what he did for her.
__________
When Lucas wheels Max into Mike’s room for the first time she breaks down. Tears streaming down her face as she notices the stark difference from Mike when she saw him last. She holds his hand, letting her tears drip onto the hospital bed.
“If your not ready to talk about it, we understand.” Max looks over to Nancy, she’s holding a tissue up to her face—Jonathan holding an arm over her shoulders for support. She notices Steve, Robin, and Joyce giving her a look that she’s all too familiar with ‘pity’.
Max glances up at The Party members across from her, Will is curled up on Mike’s bed alongside him and El’s sitting in a chair next to Will with her hand in Mike’s other. Dustin is standing behind the two.
“I’m ready.”
She looks at Mike while she speaks, trying to understand how the Mike who saved her a week before was the same one sitting in front of her.
“It started back a while ago, actually. He u-uhm would talk to me. I couldn’t hear much at first or—I wouldn’t understand him but…I guess I got so used to hearing him that it all made sense. He would…” She trails off, it’s an invasion of Mike’s privacy to say all this, those were confessions and here Max was telling everyone.
“He’d tell me how much he…hated himself.” The words turn the room into silence, no one says anything and Max is glad it’s that way.
“The dumbass was cursed. He didn’t know at first. A-and by the time he knew what it was I had already been…He didn’t want to worry anyone. Selfless asshole. That’s all he’d talk about, how sorry he was. He thought it was his fault if he’d just stayed in Hawkins…I wish I could have punched that out of him but I couldn't, obviously.”
“I’m going to find a way to save you, Max. I can’t even think of the amount of times I heard that he’d talk about switching places and everything and then I…” She swallows, Max tries her best to block this out, why would she want to remember one of her friends sacrificing themselves for her?
“I couldn’t hide in the snowball memory anymore. I had to hide in another one. The movie theater I was hiding in, crouched between seats when I heard him. I thought it was a trick from Vecna. He couldn’t touch me there—the music, it helped and the memory—it kept him away as long as I didn’t go towards him. So when I saw Mike I thought he was fake. I didn't come out at first. I knew something was wrong—he.. He kept telling me to go and that he was ‘finally being useful’ . I tried to tell him how important he is, but he wouldn’t listen. He told me where he was and then he pushed me away. And I woke up..” The room falls silent, the only noise is Mike’s beeping heart rate and Max’s soft cries.
“Mike..he..” Will trails off, losing the words in his throat.
“I should have noticed. I-I’m his sister for fuck sake. And I didn’t notice! How could I let this happen to him?” Nancy cuts in, watching her comatose brother with tears welled in her eyes.
“It’s not your fault.” El speaks. She doesn’t do that much nowadays, she sits and watches Mike, trying to find him to no avail. “It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, all that matters is finding Mike. Maybe if I try hard enough this time I can.”
No one objects to El, even though they all know the harsh truth. She won’t be able to find him, not if he’s in the same situation as Max was. But they all still move around to sit by her, giving her the emotional support she needs to retreat into Mike’s head. Everyone watches as she closes her eyes, the lights flicker for a few seconds before stopping.
El opens her eyes, a familiar black void greeting her. Her heart squeezes as she sees no trace of Mike—of anything. She begins walking, looking around for anything that could lead her to Mike. She continues as the scene doesn’t change. There’s nothing. Nothing nothing nothing noth—?
El hears something, it’s so quiet she might have not heard it if it wasn’t for the silence surrounding her. She stops, listening out for the noise again. It’s a voice?
A girl’s voice that El doesn’t recognize interrupts the silence of the void, working as a guide for El to make her way towards it. After a few steps El still can’t make out what’s being said as she approaches a scene.
“Mike!” She shouts, begging for the boy’s attention as he sits on a bench beside a blonde girl in a cheerleader’s outfit.
He doesn’t flinch, or look up to acknowledge El’s presence he only keeps staring right ahead as the girl beside him continues to speak.
El’s in his face now, attempting to get his attention. It’s when she looks down at his features that she realizes this isn’t Mike and is only a memory.
She steps back in defeat, a memory is good. It proves Mike’s alive—but what if that’s all that’s left? What if Mike’s just a body replaying memories over and over again and he won’t wake?
She can hear the others voices echoing off the void as she attempts to push the tears welding in her eyes away.
“What’s happening—?”
“—Did you find him—?”
“Is he okay…”
“El—What’s going on?”
Their voices are becoming too much for El to handle. “It’s a memory.” She lets out in defeat.
There’s a pause, like the room is deciding what to say next, how to respond to this information.
“What’s happening, can you tell us?”
El nods, but when she remembers they can’t see her move her head in here she lets out a small, “Okay.”
El takes in a breath as she approaches the memory once again.
“Mike’s on a bench. I think he’s at school—outside. He’s with someone…a girl.”
“A girl?!”
“What’s she look like—?”
El scrunches up her face as she describes the girl to the best of her abilities. “Cheerleader, ponytail, blonde..”
No one responds to El’s description so she listens in on the conversation happening before her, repeating back every word being said—out loud.
“I didn’t think anyone else sat out here.” The girl speaks, she’s smiling at Mike while he’s looking everywhere but at her.
He shrugs. “Just wanted to get away…from everyone”
“How come?” She asks, and when she notices how Mike shrinks into himself as a response to the question she speaks again. “I’m sorry! We don’t know each other and I’m asking stuff like that, I didn’t mean to..”
Mike lets out a small laugh, it’s short but it still brings a smile to El and the girls face.
“It’s okay. We don’t know each other but I've seen you before..So it’s okay for you to ask me stuff like that.”
The girl looks confused as Mike speaks. “From the whole Cheerleading thing? Just because you’ve seen me cheer doesn’t give me the right to—”
Mike cuts her off. “The bathroom. I saw you—I mean I-i wasn’t peeping or anything I just have heard you retching from the bathroom too many times, so I..connected the dots.”
It’s silent between the two and El’s confused, Mike saw this girl throw up in the bathroom—so what?
“Oh. It’s—uhm not what you think.” The girl tries to lie, but Mike sees right through it.
“It’s okay, Chrissy. I can’t judge you.” Mike throws up his hands in fake surrender, earning him a giggle from the girl.
She smiles at him and the two sit in silence for so long El’s beginning to think the memories stopped and there won’t be anymore, but Mike breaks the silence.
“Why do you do it?”
“Cheerleading or…?”
“The throwing up. I-I mean if your comfortable with me asking that.”
Chrissy sighs, looking away from Mike to look ahead of herself. “Food has never been a good thing for me. I just feel better about myself when I eat and throw it up. I hate the feeling of it sitting inside me.”
“I’m trying to be better, only doing it once a day. It’s hard but I try.”
Mike nods in response.
“I don’t..eat.” He confesses, letting the words come out slow so he won’t have to repeat them.
Chrissy turns to look at him, a sad smile on her face. “Why do you do it?”
“Its the one thing in my life I can control.”
“Anyone notice?”
“No. But it’s not their fault. I’m pushing everyone away. I can’t be around them—not like this.” he gestures to himself in a weak manner. “I’ve been ignoring calls, not answering the door, anytime I see someone in the halls I can’t help but run away.”
“I understand…You should eat something though, come on we can go together.” Chrissy stands up from the bench and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Mike the way her body sways as she moves.
Mike stands up beside her, finally looking Chrissy in the face. “Thanks, Chrissy. It's nice to have someone who understands.”
The memory stops, Mike and Chrissy are frozen in time while El is left with a heartache as she thinks about all of Mike’s pain that went unoticed.