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Once upon a time in a land far away, there lived a beautiful princess called Princess Philip. Princess Philip was beloved by everyone in the kingdom, or at least he would be if he hadn’t been locked in a tower from the age of eight because he was so uncoordinated he was a danger to himself and others.
One day, Princess Philip was kidnapped by a terrifying dragon. The Queen, who everyone thought was alright but who was rumoured to be part lobster, summoned every able-bodied knight to the throne room to discuss what to do.
“Whoever rescues my son from the dragon shall receive his hand in marriage,” she declared, assuming that nobody would really be interested since Princess Philip had managed to almost decapitate his last suitor over tea and biscuits.
“I will rescue him,” said Sir Daniel, who had been in love with Princess Philip ever since he saw him meowing back at the cats who came to visit his tower.
“And I!” Declared Sir John, who was a handsome looking fellow with an ass that could rival that of the statue Princess Philip had had installed outside his tower window. The man was a great patron of the arts.
“And I!” Said Sir Gordon, who had no claim to fame other than the fact that he was really interested in trains.
“Sounds like a gnarly adventure dude, count us in!” Said five voices at once. The voices belonged to the Hanks, who insisted on being referred to as one entity and who had all tried to squeeze themselves into the same suit of armour.
Sir Daniel seethed. No-one would be winning Princess Philip’s hand but him, if he had any say in the matter. He gripped the handle of his sword, thinking up cruel and unusual punishments for the other knights for even daring to go after what was his.
“Very well,” Queen Kathryn said, with a wave of her hand. “You will all depart at dawn.”
Sir Daniel spent the next few hours coming up with ways to foil the other knights. He knew about Sir John’s fascination with himself, Sir Gordon’s fascination with trains, and Sir Hank’s… lack of anything that could be charitably called a brain, but how to use those things against them?
By the time the sun had crested the horizon, Sir Daniel had a plan. He saddled his horse, the noble steed Jonathan, and ventured out into the deep, dark woods surrounding the city.
The first part of his plan was simple- defeat the other knights before they could lay claim to what was his. The second part of his plan was… well he hadn’t exactly worked it out yet, but he was sure it would come to him.
He came upon Sir John first, flexing his muscles and making kissy faces at a cardboard cutout of Princess Philip he’d stuck to a tree. Sir Daniel almost backed away silently, feeling bad about sabotaging someone who was clearly a few crayons short of a box, but then he steeled himself. There was no room for hesitation.
He waited until Sir John was asleep in his tent, then hauled a full-length mirror over to it and propped it up against a tree. When Sir John awoke the next morning, he was struck by the sight of himself in the mirror and couldn’t tear himself away. Some say he’s still there, flexing and grunting and making kissy faces at himself- maybe he’s even happier that way.
Flushed with success and filled with renewed determination, Sir Daniel tracked down Sir Gordon next. He found him camped in a pretty little clearing, watching a mechanical train go around a track over and over again.
“What a silly thing to bring from home,” Sir Daniel thought, hefting his bucket of poster paint higher in his arms.
He waited for Sir Gordon to go to sleep, then got to work creating the most elaborate poster the world had ever seen. It had a steam train on it, a green one, and it said “Model Train Museum, 5 Miles,” with an arrow pointing to the left.
Sir Daniel was quite proud of it. He hung it up on a nearby tree, then hid in a bush and waited for Sir Gordon to find it.
He nodded off, but when he woke up again, Sir Gordon was gone. So was the poster. Sir Daniel wondered what had happened to it, but the mystery was never resolved- except sometimes, when the woods are very quiet, you can hear the faint sound of a train whistling through the trees.
The final test came when Sir Daniel tracked Sir Hank down to a waterfall. Sir Hank (who again, was five people who insisted on being referred to as one entity) was doing pushups by the waterfall while his other… parts… shouted encouragement.
“Go dude, go!” Said one of the Hanks, flailing his arms in the air.
“98, 99, 100!” Said the Hank doing pushups, before collapsing in a pile of sweat and victory.
The other Hanks cheered. Sir Daniel rolled his eyes, shivering in distaste. The only exercise he’d done in his eighteen years of life had been against his will, and he’d only done it because they wouldn’t let him become a knight without at least expending SOME effort.
He waited for the Hanks to be distracted by something (not exactly too difficult to achieve, they weren’t exactly the sharpest tools in the shed), then scattered weights around the base of the waterfall. He hid in the bushes with Jonathan, who was relieved not to have to carry all those weights from now on, and waited to see what would happen.
The first Hank (who had been distracted by a butterfly and had tried to catch it using his left shoe) spotted the weights and crowed with delight.
“Woah, radical bro!” He shouted, flailing towards them. He picked up two of the weights and started doing bicep curls, his muscles glistening in the sunlight.
“Let me have a try!” Said another Hank, getting on his back and doing bench presses. His pecs bulged, golden and glistening, as he grunted and panted with effort.
Sir Daniel was, admittedly, not looking respectfully- but he only had eyes for one man, the beautiful Princess Philip. He snuck away from his hiding place and mounted Jonathan, the sounds of grunting and “yo, gnarly dude!”s following him through the trees.
He camped in a cosy little glade that night, reviewing his plans. According to his map, he was five miles away from the dragon’s cave. With any luck, he would be there by morning.
He thought of the beautiful Princess Philip and sighed, imagining his face when he saw him. Sir Daniel was a nobody- his only claim to fame was that he was surprisingly flame retardant, which ironically made him the perfect person for this quest- but Princess Philip was amazing. What chance did he have with him?
He set out the next morning, Jonathan galloping steadily beneath his feet. The trees flashed past him, green and boring, and he longed for the colour and variety of the city. People were annoying and smelly, but at least there was food there that didn’t taste like chalk. He missed pizza (or ye olde pizza, as it was called in those days, because this story is set in medieval times and is definitely historically accurate. Don’t look it up).
Finally, Sir Daniel arrived at a cave made of imposing grey rock. He could hear the sound of movement inside, so he steeled himself, drawing his sword. He dropped it, cursing under his breath as he picked it up.
No-one could know about his butterfingers, least of all Princess Philip. Sir Daniel would rather eat rocks than have his reputation tarnished like that.
Stealthily, he crept into the cave. He saw a shadow on the wall and gasped, then clapped a hand over his mouth. The shadow was huge, and winged, and looked like it was about to devour something whole-
“Stop!” Cried Sir Daniel, crashing into the room.
The scene that greeted him was quite unusual. The dragon was sitting quite politely, with its legs folded beneath it, and it was sipping a cup of tea. Beside it was a young man, his golden hair spilling down his back, who was also drinking a cup of tea.
“Do you mind?” He said, frowning at Sir Daniel. “We’re having a tea party.”
“Oh,” said Sir Daniel, closing his mouth. His jaw had dropped open in shock the minute he saw the dragon behaving so… un-dragon like. “I’m sorry?”
The dragon snorted, rolling its eyes. The cup of tea was comically tiny in its hands, but Princess Philip reached over and refilled it. The dragon took another sip, almost inhaling the cup as well.
“What are you doing here, anyway?” Asked Princess Philip, sipping his tea daintily.
“I’m here… I’m here to rescue you?” Sir Daniel tried, but even he sounded unsure of himself.
Princess Philip looked around at the cave. It was quite a nice cave, as caves went. There was a pile of treasure in the corner, but it was a modest size, as if the dragon was thrifty and didn’t like to steal from people.
“As you can see, I don’t really need rescuing,” Princess Philip said, almost tipping tea down the front of his dress.
The dragon sighed, reaching out to steady his hand. Sir Daniel wondered how many life-threatening accidents it had prevented since Princess Philip had been here.
“Well… your mum might want you back,” Sir Daniel tried, feeling silly. He’d had a grand speech planned for when he got here, something about not being on fire, but now he just felt awkward.
Princess Philip finished the rest of his tea. Then he pursed his lips, standing up. He almost face-planted into the pile of treasure, but the dragon caught him around the middle with one claw and set him gently back on his feet.
“Thank you, Flame Susan,” Princess Philip said, patting it gently on the nose.
“I’m sorry… Flame Susan?” Sir Daniel said, pinching the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache coming on. “Why are you calling it flame Susan?”
Princess Philip shrugged, climbing onto the dragon’s back. “She just looks like a Flame Susan.”
Sir Daniel couldn’t argue with that. Not because he agreed, but because he didn’t even know how to begin to dismantle such a bizarre claim.
“Well?” Princess Philip said, tilting his head. “Are you coming?”
Sir Daniel sighed, climbing on his horse. He had a feeling this would be a long journey.
They ventured out into the woods, heading back towards the palace. Sir Daniel kept glancing over towards Princess Philip, who was managing to stay on the dragon’s back alright. Now that he’d met him, some of the hero worship had started to fade away, but he still felt a little shy.
They camped in a clearing around mid-day, gathering fresh berries to eat and water from the stream. Sir Daniel hadn’t seen any berries when he’d been traveling through the woods alone, but Princess Philip seemed to have a knack for finding things. As Sir Daniel watched, he fed the berries to a tiny mouse that had come to see what all the fuss was about.
“So…” he said, wracking his brains. “Do you like The Three Muses?”
Princess Philip beamed. His smile was as bright as the sun, and Sir Daniel was almost blinded for a second.
“I love them!” Princess Philip cried. “My mother arranged for them to do a concert outside my window once. They played Really Quite Large Thing in Space That We Don’t Know the Name of Because This Story is Set in Medieval Times, which is my favourite song.”
Sir Daniel fell even more in love with Princess Philip at that, which he hadn’t even known was possible.
They spent the afternoon talking about their favourite bands and stories. Sir Daniel discovered that Princess Philip liked Elizabeth the Vampire Slayer, which was a tawdry romance novel that had a character called Spike in it that Princess Philip couldn’t stop gushing about. Sir Daniel didn’t know who this Spike person was, but he wanted to stab him through the eyeball- he just had to learn to stop dropping his sword first.
After a while, the dragon came flapping into the clearing, a dead goat in its claws. Sir Daniel looked on in horror as it devoured it whole, smacking its lips like it was eating a tasty burger.
“Where… did it get that from?” He said, a tremble in his voice.
“Hmmm?” Princess Philip said, pausing in the middle of threading some flowers together. “Oh, from a farm I expect.”
Sir Daniel cringed internally. The last thing they needed was a farmer coming after them, hollering about them stealing his livestock, but he supposed he would think twice about attacking them when he saw the dragon.
“A farm,” Sir Daniel said, feeling another headache coming on. “Right.”
They finished the last of their meal, packing up the plates and cups Sir Daniel had brought with him on his journey. As he was kneeling down to pick up a spork, he felt hands in his hair and started.
“Argh!” He yelled, straightening up.
Princess Philip was beaming at him, his hands behind his back. Sir Daniel felt around in his hair, pulling off a flower crown made of pink and purple foxgloves.
“Oi,” he said, trying to look stern even though his heart was fluttering in his chest. “Don’t put stuff on my head without asking.”
Princess Philip pouted, which instantly made him feel bad.
“It makes you look pretty,” he said, which definitely didn’t make Sir Daniel’s heart skip a beat. “You should wear more colour, black is so boring.”
Sir Daniel looked down at his suit of armour, which he’d had custom-made from nightsteel, the darkest metal in the land.
“I like black,” he said, frowning.
At that moment, a terrible sound echoed through the woods. Sir Daniel glanced up, horrified, as a rampaging golden boar crashed through the trees, heading right for them.
“Look out!” He cried, drawing his sword.
Before he could defend Princess Philip from danger, a giant pink bubble encircled the boar, lifting it off the ground. Sir Daniel watched in horrified fascination as it floated there, squealing in anger and trying to gouge a hole through the side of the bubble.
Princess Philip walked over to the boar, crossing his arms over his chest.
“You naughty thing,” he said, stamping his foot. “How dare you attack poor Flame Susan. Why, she’s only a defenseless dragon.”
Sir Daniel glanced over at Flame Susan, who shrugged.
The boar screamed, trying to gore Princess Philip with its tusks, but Princess Philip wagged his finger at it.
“Now, don’t be doing all of that,” he said. “I’m not going to let you out of the bubble until you behave.”
Then he climbed onto the dragon’s back, looking at Sir Daniel expectantly.
“Well?” He said, tilting his head. “Shall we?”
Sir Daniel nodded hesitantly, climbing onto Jonathan’s back.
As they picked their way through the forest, he couldn’t help thinking about Princess Philip’s mastery over the arcane arts. He had no knowledge on the subject, but he had never seen such a display before.
“So… you’re a wizard,” he said, over the sounds of the boar squealing indignantly. It was still floating in its bubble, pulled along behind them by some unseen magic.
Princess Philip beamed, nearly falling off the dragon.
“Yep! My brother taught me in secret though, so don’t tell anyone. I’m not supposed to do anything that could endanger myself or others.”
Sir Daniel thought privately that even breathing wrong could endanger Princess Philip, but this… this was the first thing he’d seen him do that he was competent at.
“Could you teach me?” He said, not really sure why he was asking.
Princess Philip shrugged. The light was bouncing off his hair and his tiara, and Sir Daniel thought he looked beautiful.
“Sure. Although I’ve only done it myself before, so I’m not sure if I’d be any good at teaching.”
I’d let you teach me how to tie my shoelaces, Sir Daniel thought, then blushed.
They camped that night in a clearing by the river. Sir Daniel made a stew out of some wild mushrooms that he was pretty sure were edible, wishing he could just order something from Deliveroo (Deliveroo was, of course, a traveling kangaroo that people could ask to fetch them stuff from various restaurants and general stores in medieval times. Kangaroos definitely existed in medieval England, just trust me on this).
“What are you doing?” He asked, as Princess Philip dug through the earth with a spade made of pure light. He’d never seen anyone sustain more than one enchantment at a time, which made him even more sure that Princess Philip was a very powerful wizard.
“Looking for truffles,” Princess Philip said, wiping his brow and leaving a smudge of dirt there. “Winston needs to be fed.”
“You named it,” Sir Daniel said, dumbfounded. Behind him, the golden boar made a menacing grating sound, its eyes boring into his back (pun intended).
“Of course I did,” Princess Philip said, standing up and nearly tripping over his own feet. “Every animal deserves a name.”
Sir Daniel begged to differ, but he watched as Princess Philip approached the boar with a smile on his face.
“Here, Winston,” he said, holding up a truffle. “I have a snack for you.”
The golden boar snorted cautiously, then opened its mouth, revealing a row of ugly yellow teeth.
Gently, Princess Philip pushed the truffle through the skin of the bubble. It popped inside, floating there for a second before the boar snuffled it up.
“Oink!” It said, its eyes going wide. “Oink, oink, oink!”
“All right!” Princess Philip said, laughing fondly. “I have more for you, don’t worry.”
As Princess Philip fed the boar truffles, Sir Daniel couldn’t help feeling a pang of jealousy in his chest. He wished Princess Philip would smile at him like that.
“Uhhh… Sir Daniel?” Princess Philip said, looking pointedly at the stewpot.
“What?” Sir Daniel said, glancing at the mushroom stew he was cooking to see that the water had almost boiled dry. “Mother of-“
He quickly took the pot off the fire, but forgot he wasn’t wearing anything to protect his hands. He screamed, clutching them to his chest and running around in circles.
“Ow, ow, ow!” He yelped, feeling very sorry for himself.
Princess Philip came up to him and put his hand on his arm, almost sending them both crashing into the river.
“Breathe, Daniel,” he said, and Sir Daniel found himself obeying, feeling a wash of calm settling over him.
As he stood there, cradling his injured hands to his chest, he felt something cool and soothing travel down his arm and over his hands. When he looked at them again, he found them free of blemish, the skin brown and smooth as an acorn.
“Let me see?” Princess Philip said, taking him gently by the wrist.
Sir Daniel stared at him, his heart beating fast in his chest. Princess Philip’s skin was like porcelain, probably from spending most of his life trapped in a tower, but there were a few freckles scattered across his nose. Sir Daniel found them horribly endearing, which was a problem, because he was beginning to feel somewhat guilty about having ulterior motives for rescuing him.
“Good as new,” Princess Philip said, smiling at him.
Sir Daniel stared some more. He wanted to kiss him. His lips were right there, petal pink and pretty, and if he only leaned down a little bit he could bring their mouths together-
The dragon coughed. Sir Daniel startled, blushing furiously. He rubbed the back of his neck, taking a few steps back.
“Uh… mushrooms,” he said, picking up his discarded basket. “I’m going to go find more mushrooms.”
Princess Philip looked disappointed for a second, but then he quickly smoothed it over with a smile.
“You do that,” he said, waving his hand. “Just make sure not to boil the water dry this time, yeah?”
Sir Daniel nodded vaguely, feeling like he was on fire. He almost dropped the basket, but luckily Princess Philip’s back was turned by that point.
“Mushrooms,” he muttered to himself. “Right.”
They slept that night beneath the stars, the sounds of the river lulling them to sleep. The dragon curled herself around them, her big body providing a surprising amount of warmth, as the boar snuffled mutinously in its bubble.
I don’t want this to end, Sir Daniel thought, as he lay awake looking at the stars. I want to keep doing this forever.
But he had a mission, and as much as he might want to continue traveling with Princess Philip, they had to go home eventually.
He fell asleep with Princess Philip’s gentle snoring in his ear, his hand curled loosely around the hilt of his sword. When he awoke, sunlight was filtering through the trees and everyone else was gone.
He yawned and stretched, looking around with bleary eyes. His stomach was rumbling and he could really do with a coffee (and yes they did have coffee in medieval England, I checked, and anyway haters get… gators. Or something. Shut up).
He stood up, wincing slightly. His back was hurting from sleeping on the cold ground every night, and he really missed his bed. He looked around the clearing, trying to spot Princess Philip, but he couldn’t see him anywhere.
Deciding he might as well get started on breakfast, he hunted around for some berries. It was slim pickings, because he wasn’t as good at finding things as Princess Philip, but he did his best. He decided to supplement the meal with some traveler’s bread, which was gross and tough but better than starving to death.
As he was dividing the food between bowls, Princess Philip crashed into the clearing, beaming widely. He was carrying what looked like a mountain of sweet potatoes, brown with dirt.
“Look what we found,” he said, rushing towards Sir Daniel so fast the dragon had to intervene and stop him from falling flat on his face again.
“Oh, great-“ Sir Daniel said, before Princess Philip dropped the sweet potatoes, some of them rolling off towards the river.
“Jesus Christ,” Sir Daniel muttered, then sighed. “Stay there. I’ll get them.”
He gathered the sweet potatoes one by one, hunting around in the river for the ones that had gotten away. As he did, he noticed two wet black eyes peering at him from behind a boulder.
“Hello?” He said, tilting his head to the side.
The creature made a sad snuffling sound, blowing water out of its nostrils. As Sir Daniel looked closer, he noticed it was a seal, a baby one at that.
“What’s a seal doing in the river?” He said, flabbergasted, but before he could shake his head and continue on his sweet potato quest, Princess Philip was rushing towards the river, his skirts hiked up around his knees.
“Oh my god, hi, llittle guy,” he said, in the sweetest voice Sir Daniel had ever heard. “Where’s your mum or dad?”
The seal made a sad dribbling sound, blowing more water out of its nose. It really was very pathetic- even Sir Daniel was having a hard time not feeling sorry for it.
“You lost them?” Princess Philip said, as if the seal had spoken English.
The seal made another sad dribbling sound, shaking its head. Sir Daniel stared at it, wondering if some of those mushrooms had been poisonous after all.
“Oh,” Princess Philip said, very sadly. “They died, didn’t they?”
Sir Daniel felt his heart clench. The seal couldn’t be more than a few months old, its body covered with a pelt of soft grey fuzz. It was just a baby, and an orphan, but there was no way that they could take it with them.
“Princess,” he said, trying to break the news as gently as he could. “We can’t take it with us.”
Princess Philip looked at him with puppy dog eyes, rendering him instantly speechless.
“We have to,” he said, a stubborn edge to his voice. “Phey’ll die otherwise.”
“Phey’ll?” Sir Daniel said, wondering if he’d misspoken.
“Yes,” Princess Philip said, reaching out his hand towards the seal. It swam towards him, butting its face against his hand. “Pheir pronouns are phey/phem. Phey told me.”
It was, admittedly, one of the silliest statements Sir Daniel had ever heard, but as he watched Princess Philip scratching the seal gently under the chin, he couldn’t help melting a little inside.
“You can speak to animals,” he said, wondering how he’d never noticed before.
Such magic was rare and powerful. Only the greatest wizards of their generation possessed such a skill, and they were handsomely compensated for their services.
“Well, yes,” Princess Philip said, as if it should have been obvious. “How do you think I persuaded the dragon not to eat me?”
Sir Daniel had assumed the creature was just uninterested in human flesh, but now that he thought about it, there had been a few round white stones in the pile of treasure that had looked suspiciously like human skulls.
“Right,” he said, rubbing his temples. “Well, how do you expect to take the seal with us? We don’t exactly have a tank to put it in.”
At that moment, said tank appeared, hovering by his right elbow.
“You were saying?” Princess Philip said, raising an eyebrow.
Sir Daniel narrowed his eyes at him. Then he sighed, defeated. He knew when he was beaten.
“All right,” he said, feeling like a father who’d just agreed to get his daughter a pony for Christmas. “But let’s leave phem in the river until we have to travel away from it. Our path continues on in this direction for the next few miles.”
Princess Philip beamed. Then he squished the seal’s face between his hands, kissing it gently on the nose. The seal made a happy whiny noise, nuzzling at his face.
Okay, that’s fucking cute, Sir Daniel thought, at the same time as a wave of jealousy crashed through him. I wish he’d kiss me like that though.
“Come on,” he said, gesturing to the salvaged sweet potatoes. “Let’s have breakfast.”
After eating, they continued along the river, their way lit by a path of dappled sunlight. Sir Daniel was silent, thinking about the future, but the sounds of the boar snorting in its bubble and the seal splashing in the river were a surprising comfort.
After a while though, he noticed that the little thing was lagging behind. Glancing towards it, he saw that its movements were sluggish, its sloe-black eyes surprisingly… lifeless.
“Stop,” he said, a worried feeling in his chest.
Princess Philip stopped, immediately coming over to him, as if it was him that needed attention and not the seal. Sir Daniel tried not to feel too happy about that, pointing towards where the seal was swimming sluggishly along.
“Don’t you think phey look a little… weird?”
Princess Philip looked at the seal. Then he gasped, rushing towards it.
“Are you sick?” He said, at which the seal shook its head.
What followed was a silent conversation. Sir Daniel tried not to feel too left out, watching as Princess Philip stared at the seal without blinking. It was freaky, but endearing in the same way that cats behaving like small furry aliens was endearing.
“Oh,” Princess Philip said, as if he’d just discovered the secrets of the universe. “Phey don’t know how to hunt.”
Sir Daniel made a tired grumbling noise. When he’d agreed to this mission, he hadn’t realised that he was going to be playing nursemaid to a whole menagerie of animals.
“Princess,” he said, exasperated in the extreme. “We can’t exactly-“
But Princess Philip was already stripping off his dress, revealing lacy white bloomers. Sir Daniel tried not to look, but it was too late- he’d already seen everything.
“Oh my god,” he wheezed, turning around. “You can’t just… do that.”
But Princess Philip was laughing, like an idiot, and he could hear the sound of splashing. He suddenly realised that it was very likely that he was going to drown, what with his lack of coordination, and quickly turned around again.
“Princess,” he said, rushing towards the river. “You’re going to hurt yourself-“
But there was no princess in sight. There were only two seals, bobbing in the river like bouys.
“What the fuck,” Sir Daniel said, his voice completely flat.
The bigger seal did a summersault, blowing water out of its nose. It had a mischievous look in its eyes, a look Sir Daniel had definitely seen before.
“Princess?” Sir Daniel said, hardly able to believe his eyes.
Yep, it’s me, a voice said in his head. The voice was gleeful, as if this was all just some grand joke and not Sir Daniel’s worldview being turned on its head. I’m a seal- check it out!
Sir Daniel stared. Transformation magic was the rarest of them all, something he’d only heard about in legends. He suddenly wondered if he was even worthy enough to look upon Princess Philip’s face, since he seemed to be the sort of stupidly overpowered wizard boy that you usually only saw in badly written young adult novels.
“Okay, so what’s your plan here?” He said, unable to admit that he was seriously impressed. “Are you going to… what. Murder the fish with positive vibes?”
Princess Phillip disappeared beneath the water for a few seconds, then reappeared, a fish wriggling in his mouth. The seal made an excited noise, opening its mouth to reveal a row of surprisingly sharp teeth.
“Or that,” Sir Daniel said, giving up on acting unimpressed. “You could do that.”
As he watched, the seal plucked the fish from Princess Philip’s mouth, swallowing it whole. It made a happy barking noise, doing a summersault.
Come join us, Princess Philip said, beckoning him over with his fin. We can teach phem to hunt together.
“No, thank you,” Sir Daniel said, sitting down on the bank. “You two have fun, I’ll stay here where it’s warm and dry.”
Suddenly, he felt a strange sensation in his body. It was as if his muscles were shifting, pulling apart in a way that didn’t feel painful, but did feel weird. Very weird.
“What the?” He said, but it came out wrong, as if he was a dog that had just developed the ability to speak.
He looked down at his hands, which were turning grey and spotty and surprisingly leathery in appearance.
“Princess-“ he said, but it came out as a bark, because he was now a fucking seal of all things.
You motherfucker, he said, glaring at Princess Philip. The bastard was unrepentant, clapping his fins in delight.
You look great as a seal! He said, giggling inside his head. I think I actually prefer you this way.
Right, Sir Daniel said, wriggling his way out of his discarded armour, which was in a pile around him. You just wait, because I’m going to bite you so hard-
Princess Philip shrieked, swimming away from him. He needn’t have bothered, because Sir Daniel’s seal body was incredibly useless on land. He tried flailing his fins about, which turned out to be useless, before he realised that flopping was the way forward.
You just (flop) wait (flop), he said, trying to sound as menacing as possible. I’m going to make you wish you were never born.
Princess Philip just laughed at him, doing laps in front of his face. It was as if he was mocking him, which he probably was. The seal followed in his wake, barking happily, as Sir Daniel continued to flop his way towards the shore.
Finally, he felt cool water under his fins. It felt right, as if this was where he was born to be, but he wasn’t about to let the princess get away with this.
Turn me back, he said, swimming menacingly towards him.
No, Princess Philip said, giggling and doing a back flip, as if to taunt him. Not until you learn to have fun.
Turn me back, Sir Daniel repeated, picking up speed.
Princess Philip looked scared for a second, before he disappeared under the water.
Catch me if you can, he said, blowing a raspberry.
Right, Sir Daniel thought, feeling a vicious sort of competitiveness. It’s on.
They chased each other around the river, like two pudgy grey marshmallows chasing each other around a cup of hot chocolate. The baby seal watched, clapping its fins together and barking. Sir Daniel wondered which of them it was cheering for.
You get back here, he shouted inside his mind, his eyes trained on Princess Philip’s grey seal body.
No, Princess Philip said, popping his head above the water just long enough to stick his tongue out at him.
Sir Daniel bared his teeth, not even caring that he was being undignified. He made an angry barking noise, picking up speed.
At some point, he started feeling something other than anger. It was a warm feeling, filling up his chest like slow, sweet honey. As he chased Princess Philip around the river, he suddenly realised it was happiness- real, genuine happiness.
Princess Philip was laughing inside his mind, and he suddenly realised that he was too. His seal face was split into a wide smile that probably looked horribly unnatural, but he didn’t care- all he cared about was this feeling in his chest, something he hadn’t felt in a very long time.
Alright, he said, slowing down to do a summersault. This is fun.
Told you so, said Princess Philip, sounding smug. You should listen to me more often.
Sir Daniel splashed him with water, but it didn’t have much effect, because he was a seal.
They spent the rest of the afternoon splashing in the river, teaching the seal to hunt between bouts of horseplay. Sir Daniel hadn’t let himself behave so childishly in a very long time, not since he became a fully-fledged knight. He’d missed it.
When the seal’s belly was full and they were all worn out, Princess Philip turned them both back into humans. Sir Daniel yelped and covered himself with his hands, because they were definitely still naked, but Princess Philip just laughed at him.
“It’s just a body,” he said, shrugging. “I don’t know why you’re so embarrassed.”
“Yes, thank you,” Sir Daniel hissed, crab-walking over to his clothes. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
That night, they roasted fish on the fire, the seal bobbing happily in the water. Princess Philip had let the boar out of its bubble at this point, its ugly looking head resting on his knee while he fed it truffles like a dog.
“You treat that thing better than you treat me,” Sir Daniel grumbled, taking a bite of his mackerel.
“And how would you like me to treat you, oh noble knight?” Princess Philip asked, raising an eyebrow.
Sir Daniel coughed, looking away. He was definitely starting to blush.
“No way in particular,” he said, hoping it was believable. “I’d just prefer if you wouldn’t turn me into random subaquatic animals without my permission.”
“You loved it,” Princess Philip said, nudging him with his foot. “Come on, admit it.”
Sir Daniel set his jaw. Princess Philip wasn’t the only one who could be stubborn.
“I admit it was less… aggravating than I thought it would be.”
Princess Philip just grinned at him, far too knowingly.
They fell asleep again under the stars, slightly closer than before. Sir Daniel could almost feel Princess Philip’s warmth, and if he reached his hand out towards him, he could touch him.
It was a silly thought. This… thing- this infatuation, or what ever you wanted to call it- it could never work. He’d already decided that he was going to ask for a different reward, because Princess Philip was so much more than he’d expected him to be.
He was far too good, and far too brave. He deserved someone who wasn’t afraid to live life out loud, who could match him beat for beat and didn’t have to be dragged out of his shell like a reluctant snail.
He fell asleep with the sound of gentle splashing in his ear, waking to find himself alone again. He tensed up, dreading what vegetable he’d have to rescue this time, but then he saw that Princess Philip had left him a note.
Gone to collect spell ingredients, it said, in a messy scrawl. Back soon.
Sir Daniel blinked. He’d forgotten he’d asked Princess Philip to teach him magic. He almost felt unworthy now, because how could he possibly compare? But, well, the thought of getting private lessons from his crush was too tempting to pass up.
He stretched for a bit, then went about finding breakfast. He was just putting the food into bowls when Princess Philip traipsed into the cleaning.
“Choose one,” he said, holding out both of his fists.
Warily, Sir Daniel stared at his hands. He wouldn’t put it past him to have collected some vile insect, or some horrible creature that he was going to make him co-parent, but he decided to just go for it. It wasn’t worth the headache of trying to argue.
“That one,” he said, pointing to Princess Philip’s right hand.
He opened it, revealing a hunk of raw amber. Inside was a tiny insect, frozen in time. It looked like a miniature dragon.
“Good choice,” Princess Philip said, nodding sagely. “Amber is warm and golden, like you. It’ll do nicely as the core of your wand.”
“Wand?” Sir Daniel said, trying not to feel too giddy at being called warm and golden by the love of his life.
“Well, yes,” Princess Philip said, shrugging. “You’re a beginner, so you need a wand. Not everybody can do wandless magic first time.”
Sir Daniel looked at the lump of amber. It seemed to glow in the sunlight, pulsing gently with some unknown force.
“So… what exactly am I supposed to do with it?” He asked, genuinely lost.
Princess Philip pointed at one of the trees by the river. It was a large, spreading willow, its tendrils drooping daintily into the water.
“You’ll need to choose what wood you want to make your wand out of,” he said briskly, as if reciting the words from memory. “Willow is good- nice and springy- although generally you wouldn’t want to mix elements like that.”
Sir Daniel thought about it for a few moments, wracking his brains.
“What about mountain ash?” He said slowly. “It’s flame resistant but needs fire to propagate. Would that do?”
Princess Philip beamed. He looked proud of him, which Sir Daniel tried not to feel too giddy about.
“Mountain ash is a great choice! It’s fire-related, which means it’ll work great with the amber. I wonder if fire will end up being your element?”
Sir Daniel snorted, thinking of all the times he’d managed to avoid being burnt through what seemed like sheer luck.
“Well, it would be fitting,” he said, chuckling to himself.
“Why?” Princess Philip said, tilting his head to the side.
Sir Daniel blushed, feeling awkward.
“It’s stupid, but- when I was a kid, they used to call me Dan is Not On Fire, because I somehow seemed to never get burnt.”
Princess Philip giggled at him. Sir Daniel scowled, feeling embarrassed, but Princess Philip shook his head, clapping him on the shoulder.
“I’m not laughing at you,” he said, smiling up at him. “I’m laughing with you. Besides, it’s cute.”
Cute, Sir Daniel thought, the word pinging round and round in his brain. Cute, cute, cute.
“Anyway, I can’t talk,” Princess Philip said, shrugging. “I also have an embarsssing nickname. When I was a kid, my brother used to call me Amazing Phil- for a while there I thought I was going to grow up to be a famous wizard, traveling the world and bringing magic to the people, but- well.”
He trailed off, looking sad. It was the first time Sir Daniel had seen him express dissatisfaction with his predicament. It made him ache, because he knew that as soon as they got back home, the small freedoms Princess Philip had been indulging in would be taken from him.
“What if we ran away,” he blurted, unable to stop himself. “We could be a double act- Amazing Phil and Dan is Not On Fire. What do you say?”
Princess Philip smiled at him, but it was sad around the edges.
“Don’t be silly,” he said, turning away from him. “You know that’s not possible. Now come on, I think I saw a grove of mountain ash trees a few miles this way- let’s go.”
Sir Daniel frowned at his back. This was so unlike him. Usually he was stupidly optimistic, rushing into danger as if the world had never hurt him, but this- this was heartbreaking.
“Princess-“ he tried, but the princess shot him a look over his shoulder that was darker than he’d ever thought a look from him could be.
“Drop it, Daniel,” he said, sighing tiredly. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Sir Daniel dropped it. He walked with Princess Philip through the silent wood, feeling like a rain cloud on a sunny day.
They found a clump of mountain ash trees not too far away. Princess Philip conjured an axe out of thin air, because Sir Daniel only had one implement to chop things with and he didn’t want it to be damaged.
Princess Philip made him do the actual chopping. He said something about Sir Daniel needing to be the one who made his own wand, but Sir Daniel suspected he just liked making him do work for him.
He chose a thick, solid branch about halfway up the tree, hacking away at it until it fell to the ground. Princess Philip showed him how to shape the wood into a long, thin cylinder, directing him from a deck chair he’d conjured up for himself.
“Looking good,” he said, taking a sip of his fruity cocktail. It had a little umbrella in it.
Sir Daniel glared at him, wiping his brow. “You know, you could help instead of just sitting there.”
Princess Philip shrugged, crunching ice in a way that made Sir Daniel’s teeth ache.
“Wouldn’t be your own work then, would it?” He said smugly.
“I’m beginning to wish I left you back at that cave,” Sir Daniel said darkly, which just made Princess Philip laugh at him.
He seemed to have gotten over the incident from earlier, although if Sir Daniel looked closely, he could see a hint of sadness in his eyes. It made him want to offer solutions, but he knew better than to try.
Finally, he had a long wooden thing that was a pretty good approximation of a wand. It was bent a little near the top, but Princess Philip said it added character.
“All right,” Princess Philip said, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Now it’s time for the fun part.”
The fun part, as it turned out, was a load of breathing exercises. Sir Daniel questioned why they were necessary, but Princess Philip went on a long tangent about focusing energy and centering yourself and he wished he hadn’t bothered.
“Try to focus on something that makes you happy,” he said, and Sir Daniel instantly thought of that day in the river with the seal. It was the first time he’d felt happy in a long time, which made him even more sad that was all going to end soon.
“Okay,” he said, feeling warmth diffusing through his chest.
“Good,” Princess Philip said, walking around him. He looked surprisingly serious, as if he was being paid for this and not just doing it for fun. “Now, I want you to imagine a small white light appearing at the end of your wand. It doesn’t have to be very bright, just warm and present.”
Sir Daniel imagined it. He pictured a light, small and bright and glowing, like a little firefly.
“Oh,” he said softly, as the end of his wand lit up.
“You did it!” Princess Philip said, beaming at him.
The light went out. Sir Daniel frowned, feeling defeated.
“Don’t worry about it,” Princess Philip said, seeing his face. “It usually happens, the first time.”
Sir Daniel was going to make a joke about performance issues, then thought better of it.
They spent the next half hour practicing the light spell. Pretty soon, Sir Daniel had it down pat, able to create a light on command and sustain it for minutes at a time. Princess Philip decided he’d practiced enough times, moving on to elemental spells.
“Now, we already suspect you might be best at fire, so we’re going to go with water first,” he said. “Sounds counter-intuitive, but you need to tackle what you’re worst at first before you can move forward.”
Sir Daniel thought it was a rather poetic metaphor, but he didn’t say that. He didn’t want to give Princess Philip the satisfaction.
“Okay…” he said, standing there awkwardly. “So I just… what. Imagine a tsunami or something?”
Princess Philip snorted. “Less intense, for your first time. Maybe try a light trickle.”
Sir Daniel stared at the end of his wand. He imagined water pouring out of it in a steady stream. A few drops squeezed their way out, landing pathetically on the grass.
“Hey, that’s not bad!” Princess Philip said, smiling at him. “I’ve definitely seen worse.”
Where? Sir Daniel thought, frowning. You never leave your tower.
“Let’s try earth next,” Princess Philip said.
Sir Daniel was good at that. He could make a pebble roll across the ground and a flower bloom, which Princess Philip was very impressed by. Air was even better- Princess Philip said that was because it was the closest to fire.
“Now,” Princess Philip said, rubbing his hands together. “It’s time for the big leagues.”
He got Sir Daniel to stand close to the water, in case he needed to throw himself into it at some point. Then he stood well back, directing him to shoot a flame in the direction of the river.
“Aaaaand… go!” He said, an eager lilt to his voice.
Sir Daniel pointed his wand. Breathed. And produced a puff of smoke so pitiful that he wanted to keel over and die.
Oh, he thought, wishing the ground would open up and swallow him whole.
“No, it’s okay,” Princess Philip said, putting his hands on his shoulders. “It’s just nerves. Try to capture that happy feeling again and ignore everything else.”
Sir Daniel breathed in. He pictured that day on the river, with Princess Philip flitting in front of his eyes like a speedy grey marshmallow. He imagined the feeling in his chest, warm and all-encompassing, filling him up like hot chocolate. Then he breathed out, and shot a jet of flame across the surface of the river.
It wasn’t orange, was the thing. Or at least it wasn’t just orange- it was orange, and blue, and green, and purple, and all the colours of the rainbow- and at the centre of it all, a pulsing white light.
“Princess?” He said, feeling afraid. “What’s happening?”
But Princess Philip was silent. He felt his hands on his shoulders, warm and grounding, and realised he didn’t have to be afraid. He had someone with him who would protect him, which was more than he’d ever had his entire life.
“Daniel,” Princess Philip said, his voice choked up. “Your magic is beautiful.”
Sir Daniel let the flames go out. He was getting better at that, the actual turning the magic off thing, but it was still hard to control.
“Princess?” He said, turning around.
The princess dashed away a tear. He looked cracked open, like an egg, and Sir Daniel was almost afraid to say anything.
“Sorry,” he said, laughing wetly. “It’s just- you know how magic is kind of like seeing into someone’s soul?”
Sir Daniel hadn’t known that. He thought of Princess Philip’s magic, pretty and pink and whimsical, and realised it made perfect sense.
“Well… I feel like I just saw into your soul,” Princess Philip said, smiling. “You love so deeply and shine so brightly, but you’re afraid to let other people see.”
Sir Daniel felt a horrible sinking feeling in his chest. He laughed, but it came out wrong, ugly and high and nervous in a way that made him want to hit himself.
“I don’t… love anyone,” he said, backing away slowly. “And anyway, you don’t know me- so shut up.”
Princess Philip looked hurt, which had been the intended result, but as soon as Sir Daniel saw his face he instantly felt guilty.
“I know you must have been hurt before,” Princess Philip said, in the gentle voice he usually used on animals. “So I’m not going to take that to heart, but just know I’m here if you need to talk.”
Sir Daniel shook his head. He pressed his lips into a tight line, staring at his feet.
“I don’t,” he said flatly. “Want to talk. And anyway, this was a mistake. This whole thing was a mistake. I should never have rescued you in the first place.”
Princess Philip was silent. Sir Daniel didn’t look at his face, because he didn’t want to see the hurt there. He couldn’t bear to see the pain he’d caused.
“Okay,” Princess Philip said, sounding choked up. “I’m going to leave you to sort yourself out, but just know you can come to me at any time.”
Sir Daniel said nothing. He felt angry, and humiliated, and guilty, and he really wanted to curl up in his bed with the stuffed bear no-one realised he still owned and cry himself to sleep.
He heard the sound of footsteps, then silence. Then he buried his face in his hands, and wept.
He was alone for a while, standing on the river bank like a lonely ghost. Then he heard footsteps, the sound of trees bending and breaking, and turned around.
“Oh,” he said, blinking at Flame Susan. “It’s you.”
Flame Susan rolled her eyes, as if to say “obviously.”
“He’s not… here right now,” Sir Daniel said, wiping his eyes. “He’s probably gone back to the campsite or something.”
Flame Susan didn’t move. In fact, she opened up her wing, gesturing to her side.
Sir Daniel stared. “I don’t understand,” he said, genuinely bewildered.
Flame Susan rolled her eyes again. Then she walked up to him, snap crunch snap, and wrapped one of her wings around him.
“Woah, hey, what are you doing?” He said, as she pulled him against her side.
She just sighed, patting his head gently. Well, as gently as she could, with her giant dragon claws.
“Why are you doing this?” he said, feeling tears beginning to well up in his eyes again. “You don’t even know me.”
Flame Susan made an exasperated noise. She continued to pat his head, as if he was a troubled fledgling and she was trying to soothe him.
Sir Daniel heard a splash, and looked over to see the seal heaving itself up onto the river bank. It had a fish in its mouth, wriggling and silver, which it promptly dropped into his lap.
“Jesus Christ!” He yelped, scooping it up into his hands and throwing it into the river. “I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but I don’t exactly want a raw fish right now.”
The seal looked sad, so he scratched it under the chin, making cooing noises. It flopped further out of the water, resting its head on its thigh and getting river water all over his pants.
At that moment, the boar came lumbering into view. Sir Daniel tensed up, wondering if it was going to gore him with its ugly tusks, but it flopped down beside him, laying its head on his other thigh.
“You too?” Sir Daniel said, perplexed. “But I’ve never been anything but mean to you.”
The boar snorted, butting its head against his hand. Sir Daniel caved, stroking it slowly. Then he started to shake, because it was all too much.
“I don’t deserve this,” he gasped, tears streaming down his face. “I don’t deserve- any of this.”
Flame Susan just continued to pat him, and the boar snuffled quietly and nuzzled at his hand, and the seal made a sad whiny sound and buried its face in his stomach, and suddenly he was sobbing harder than he ever had in his life.
“I hurt him,” he said, turning his face against Flame Susan’s scaly chest. “I hurt him, and now he’s never going to forgive me. I always do this, I fuck up, and then people leave, and I can’t- do this again.”
Flame Susan just made a soft soothing sound, like fire crackling and burning on a moonless night. Sir Daniel let himself cry, held in the arms of creatures who couldn’t articulate their love for him, but who tried with every atom of their beings to show him that he mattered.
“Thank you,” he said afterwards, wiping at his eyes and sniffling. “All of you.”
The seal made a sad barking noise, the boar snuffled and snorted, and Flame Susan just continued to hold him tightly.
“I… should probably apologise to him, shouldn’t I?”
None of the animals could talk, but that didn’t stop Sir Daniel from feeling a deep, resounding aura of “yes”ness all around him.
He stood up, his legs shaking slightly. Then he picked up his sword, discarded on the beach, and marched off to find Princess Philip.
He found him at the campsite, reading a book. It was Elizabeth the Vampire Slayer, his favourite one, and Sir Daniel remembered Spike and felt a rush of jealousy. Then he steadied himself, breathing slowly.
“Hi,” he said, coming and sitting down on a log.
Princess Philip closed his book. He looked wary, but not upset. “Hi.”
Sir Daniel took a deep breath. What he had to say would be hard, but Princess Philip deserved it.
“I drop my sword,” he said, starting with something easy. “All the time. The other knights used to tease me about it, but that wasn’t the worst thing.”
He swallowed, shutting down. Then he forced himself to open up again, like a clam revealing its vulnerable inner flesh.
“I’ve been bullied all my life for being soft,” he said, the words like pulling teeth. “You say I love deeply, but that isn’t a good thing- not when you want to be a knight. They used to call me- oh, all sorts of names. I can’t begin to think of the worst one.”
He paused. He couldn’t look Princess Philip in the eye, because this was too raw. This was something he hadn’t even told his parents.
“I have scars on my wrists that will never heal, but they’re not from them- they’re from me. And I’m so scared that I’m going to ruin this, because you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I-“
Sir Daniel felt arms wrap around him. He breathed in, and smelled Princess Philip’s unique scent, and wanted to weep.
“How can you forgive me so easily?” He said, his voice hoarse. “I hurt you so badly.”
Princess Philip pulled away, cupping his face in his hands. He wiped at the tears that were already starting to fall again, a sad smile on his face.
“There’s nothing to forgive,” he said, like it was simple. “You were angry and hurt, and I pushed you when I knew you weren’t ready.”
Sir Daniel swallowed. Princess Philip’s lips were right there, and if he leaned in just a little bit, he could kiss them.
“I have depressive episodes,” he said, a last ditch effort. “And I’m sarcastic, and bitchy, and I’m going to really annoy you-“
Princess Philip leaned in, silencing him with his mouth. Sir Daniel made a horribly embarrassing sound, like a dog whimpering because its owner had returned after a long absence, and crushed him against his chest.
They kissed for what felt like ages. It wasn’t dirty, or overtly sexual, but it was nice. Sir Daniel hadn’t been kissed like this- ever, probably. Usually it was just a means to an end.
Princess Philip pulled away just enough to rest his head on his shoulder.
“I’m going to annoy you too, by the way,” he said, a laugh in his voice. “I leave all the cupboards open, and I steal my brother’s cereal all the time. It’s going to be mutual annoyance.”
Sir Daniel chuckled, a puff of air. Then he sobered.
“I can’t let you go back there,” he said heavily. “Morally, I can’t. I agreed to do this for your hand in marriage, but it feels… wrong, now that I know you.”
Princess Philip pulled back a little, looking him in the eye.
“I know my duty,” he said, his gaze clear and true. “I’ve known it all my life. Act pretty, laugh at what people say, be a dutiful little wife- I always tried to avoid it, I guess, by not trying to contain my clumsiness around my suitors, but I don’t think I would mind, if it was you.”
Sir Daniel frowned. He still didn’t like it.
“A guided cage is still a cage,” he said somberly. “Even if you share it with the one you love.”
Princess Philip smiled at him- a little half smile, that didn’t lie and say that everything was okay, but did contain hope for the future.
“We could make it nice,” he said, tucking himself into Sir Daniel’s side. “Get some pillows and blankets. We could have a sleepover, even.”
Sir Daniel laughed. It didn’t sound so bad.
“Maybe,” he said, then sighed. “Let’s think about it tomorrow.”
They fell asleep that night curled up together, breathing slowly in the darkness. Sir Daniel ran his hand up and down Princess Philip’s back, feeling like he was holding something unbelievably precious.
“I love you,” he whispered into the darkness, where no-one else could hear him.
Princess Philip just snored, which made him smile. He was beginning to think he would never be able to sleep again without the sound of it.
The next morning, everyone was quiet. It was the last day of their journey, which meant their freedom was going to come to an end soon. Sir Daniel rode with Princess Philip perched behind him, his arms around his waist and his head resting between his shoulder blades. Neither of them wanted to waste a single moment together.
They had to put the seal in its tank when the river dried up, the grass giving way to dirt and then paving stones. The doors of the city loomed imposingly before them, the guards nearly wetting themselves when they saw the dragon.
“It’s okay!” Princess Philip said, hopping down off Jonathan. “She’s with me.”
The guards looked unsure, but they weren’t about to go against the word of a royal, so they let them in. The residents screamed and scattered, so they had to explain again that the dragon was with them and everything was fine.
Eventually, they arrived at the palace, their strange retinue of animals following along behind them. They seemed to have accumulated a crowd of citizens, curious about why a seal was floating along in a magic tank.
The guards opened the doors for them after debating which way they wanted to lose their heads, announcing their presence. The queen, who had been doing the crossword with her glasses perched low on her nose, looked up and saw them.
“Oh, Philip!” She said, and rushed down off her dais. She pulled him into a hug immediately, which made him protest in the way that only an adult who is being treated like a child in front of their future spouse can protest.
“Mum,” he mumbled, going red. “Stop it.”
Queen Kathryn pulled back to cup his face in her hands.
“I missed you so much,” she said, sounding relieved. “You really had me worried there.”
Sir Daniel stood awkwardly in the corner, wondering if now would be a bad time to introduce her to the dragon, who was standing outside because they’d both been worried about causing a diplomatic incident.
“Queen Kathryn,” he said, clearing his throat. “I think-“
The Queen looked away from her son for a brief moment, finally noticing that there was someone else in the room.
“Sir Daniel,” she said, her voice taking on a more formal tone. “Thank you for rescuing my son for me.”
Sir Daniel nodded stiffly, shifting from foot to foot.
“No problem,” he said, coughing awkwardly. “Now, about that-“
“Reward!” Queen Kathryn gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. “I almost forgot. Of course, I will arrange for wedding preparations to be commenced post-haste-“
“No,” Sir Daniel said, then instantly regretted it. You didn’t talk back to a royal- that was the first rule of knight school. “I want a different reward.”
Queen Kathryn stared at him for a long time- so long that Sir Daniel wondered if she was going to call for his head to be swiftly removed from his body. Then she sighed, shaking her head.
“I’m listening.”
Sir Daniel steeled himself. This was a big ask, and this was the Queen, for Christ’s sake- but if he didn’t ask, he was going to explode.
“I want you to let Princess Philip out of his tower,” he said, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his chest. “And I want you to let him study magic at the Royal Academy. I think it would be quite useful, to have a princess who could defend the palace from enemies- don’t you think?”
Queen Kathryn spluttered. “That is highly irregular. Besides, my son has no aptitude for magic-“
“Show her.” Sir Daniel said, looking over at Princess Philip.
Princess Philip started. He looked like he was trying to pretend all of this wasn’t happening, a look of abject panic on his face.
“I can’t-“
“Show her,” Sir Daniel said, feeling a well of calm open up inside him.
Princess Philip breathed in slowly. Then, he stripped off his dress, which made his mother almost faint, and began to transform.
It happened slowly at first. First his hands transformed, becoming big, furry paws; then his ears, growing large and round and moving to the top of his head. A long tail grew from his backside, orange and fuzzy with a fluffy brown tuft at the end, and his snout grew long and filled with teeth.
Finally, there was a lion standing where the princess had been- big and imposing and capable of ripping them all to shreds.
“Philip,” the Queen said, covering her mouth with her hand. “Why didn’t you tell me you could do magic?”
I was scared, a voice said, beamed into both of their heads at the same time. I was scared you wouldn’t accept me.
“I will always accept you,” the Queen said, putting her hand on his shoulder. “You’re my baby.”
Sir Daniel felt like tearing up, because his parents had never said the same to him- but he could be happy, in this moment, that his beloved had the unconditional support of his family.
Afterwards, Princess Philip transformed back into a human again, wrapping his arms around himself and looking embarrassed. Sir Daniel threw his cloak around his shoulders, doing up the clasp with utmost care.
“You see?” He said, his voice clear and true. “He’s a genius.”
Queen Kathryn nodded slowly, laughter in her eyes. “I see that now. Well, you’ve managed to convince me.”
Sir Daniel stared at her. He hadn’t expected it to be so easy.
“I expect you to be married before the year is out anyway,” she said briskly. “There are rules to these things, you know. Oh, and Philip- I still want grandchildren.”
Sir Daniel went red as a tomato. He looked over at Princess Philip, who looked similarly shell-shocked.
“She knows we can’t actually-“ he hissed, then made a gesture that was definitely unsuitable for polite company.
Princess Philip shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Well, we’re wizards,” he mumbled. “I’m sure we can figure something out.
Before Sir Daniel could process that bombshell of a statement, one of the guards poked his head through the door.
“Er, the citizens are getting a little restless, your majesty,” he said awkwardly. “The children have taken to sliding down the dragon’s back, and we just- we don’t think it’s safe, without safety rails and such.”
The Queen blinked. Then she looked at her son, narrowing her eyes.
“Philip,” she said carefully. “What did you do?”
“Nothing!” Princess Philip whined. “I just brought home a few friends, that’s all!”
Queen Kathryn sighed, shaking her head.
“I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised,” she said in a resigned voice. “You always did want a pet.”
Princess Philip beamed. “Well now I’ve got three! Let me introduce you.”
Sir Daniel watched as Princess Philip introduced his mother to the animals, the seal poking its head over the rim of the tank to get scritches and the boar snuffling at her skirts, looking for truffles. He laughed to himself, feeling content.
Afterwards, there was a big feast in his honour. He hadn’t wanted to go, because he hadn’t exactly done anything except direct Princess Philip’s chaotic energy into a single direction, but his boyfriend insisted.
“You have to come!” He said, pouting at him. “Besides, I want the chance to show you off.”
Sir Daniel felt an anxious fluttering in his chest. He’d never been shown off before- he wasn’t sure he liked the idea of it.
Princess Philip brought him up to his tower, under strict orders from his mother that there was to be no funny business. It was beautiful, furnished with soft pink and green furnishings and bathed in the light of the setting sun.
“Let me dress you,” he said, dragging Sir Daniel over to the chaise lounge and making him sit down.
Sir Daniel tried to protest, but Princess Philip was already rummaging through his closet, pulling out sumptuous brocade doublets and dresses of sapphire silk.
“I don’t think-“ he said, in a feeble voice, but Princess Philip held up a dress of soft green velvet and he fell silent.
It was beautiful. There was no denying that. The colour would complement his skin tone, warm and deep and endlessly soft- but he couldn’t.
“I can’t,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m not ready.”
Princess Philip nodded thoughtfully. Then he held up a doublet of ruby silk, the buttons like small golden suns.
It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
“Yes,” he said immediately, before he could stop himself.
He got changed behind a privacy screen, because he was determined to be a dutiful son-in-law, and stepped out to thunderous applause.
“Yes!” Princess Philip said, skipping over to him. “It looks great on you.”
Sir Daniel blushed, rubbing the back of his neck. He let Princess Philip brush his hair and style it, then waited for him to get dressed.
They went down to the great hall together, dressed in red and blue to complement each other. Princess Philip was wearing a dress of sapphire silk, his hair caught up in a silver chignon.
“To Sir Daniel,” Queen Kathryn said during dinner, tipping her glass at him. “Thank you for rescuing my son for me.”
There was a polite smattering of applause. Sir Daniel sat there awkwardly, not used to the attention.
“That nobleman is looking at you,” Princess Philip whispered in his ear. “Five o’clock.”
“Hmm?” Said Sir Daniel, who hadn’t noticed. He was too busy working out which fork to use.
Princess Philip pointed, and he saw a slimy-looking gentleman looking over in their direction, his eyes roving over him in a way he didn’t like.
“Gross,” Sir Daniel muttered, then turned his attention back to his mutton.
He felt an arm wrap around his waist. He started, looking over at Princess Philip, who was trying to fuse them into one being.
“Er…” he said, looking over at the Queen, who didn’t look too happy. “Princess?”
“Call me Phil,” Princess Philip said, glaring at the nobleman. “Princess is too formal. We’re going to be married, after all.”
Sir Daniel snorted. He supposed he wasn’t the only one who had jealousy issues then.
That word stuck inside his chest though, rattling around in a way he didn’t like. Marriage. That had been the purpose of his quest, but now that he was faced with the reality of it, he wasn’t sure he liked it.
He left halfway through the meal to get some fresh air, leaning against the railing. He’d made some excuse about feeling sick, but really he was just anxious. His doublet felt constricting and he wanted to go back to his shitty little cabin, and he was being really ungrateful-
“Hi,” Phil said, leaning on the railing beside him. “Want to talk?”
Sir Daniel sighed. He didn’t really. He wanted to curl up in his shell and hide from the rest of the world, but he was tired of doing that.
“It’s this marriage thing,” he said, staring listlessly down at an ornamental pond. “I’m not sure I’m cut out for it.”
Phil paused beside him. Sir Daniel glanced over at his face, but he didn’t look upset.
“I’m not sure I like it either,” he said thoughtfully. “What we have- feels a bit too vast for a piece of paper, doesn’t it?”
Sir Daniel winced. That hadn’t exactly been what he was getting at, but it eased some of the tension a bit.
“I just don’t like the idea of being tied down,” he admitted. “And it’s not you, I’d like to be with you for the rest of my life, if you’ll have me- it just, it feels a bit permanent.”
Phil was smiling at him. Sir Daniel could feel heat creeping up the back of his neck, because he wasn’t making sense, and he was behaving like a total twat, but Phil leaned forward and kissed him and the world fell silent.
His lips were soft. Sir Daniel had learned the shape of them in an afternoon, that brief period enough to tell him that he never wanted to kiss anyone else ever again. He reached up, cupping the back of his neck with one hand, the other one coming up to wrap around his waist.
“I want to be with you too,” Phil said, in his ear. “And it doesn’t matter if we never get married- I can tell my mum that it’s not part of your religion, or something.”
Sir Daniel snorted. He didn’t see how that was going to work.
“I’m sorry you can’t be with someone less-“ he waved his hand about. “Damaged.”
“I’m not,” Phil said, pulling back to smile at him. “Now come on, it’s the desert course next- I heard they made a giant Malteser cake in your honour.”
Sir Daniel chuckled. He wasn’t sure how anyone knew about his thing for Maltesers, but he wasn’t complaining.
He took Phil’s hand in his, and kissed it. He was sure his eyes were filled with devotion, but for once, he didn’t try to hide it.
“I look forward to it,” he said, smiling softly.
Together, they made their way back to the great hall, and together, they enjoyed the last of the feast. By the end of the night, Sir Daniel was exhausted, but Phil seemed surprisingly upbeat.
“Goodnight, Dan,” he said, as Sir Daniel lingered outside his doorway. The Queen had given them five minutes to say their goodnights and had threatened to come up with a broom if they didn’t behave.
“Goodnight,” Sir Daniel said, sure there were stars in his eyes.
Phil smiled, giving him a final kiss on the cheek. Then he brought his mouth close to his ear.
“I love you too, by the way.”
Sir Daniel blushed, opening his mouth, but Phil had already closed the door in his face.
He scowled, feeling tricked. Then he shook his head, making his way down to the bedroom that had been prepared for him. He wished Phil could join him, but- well, beggars couldn’t be choosers.
As he lay in bed that night, he thought of all the adventures that awaited him- and for the first time in a very long time, he fell asleep with a smile on his face.