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This was probably the punishment for Till: after dying, not as badly as the others, but rather calmly and even somewhat happily, from an illness at the advanced age of forty-six on a rebel base – after death, he doesn't go to the Heaven that the old books tell us about. But he doesn't go to Hell either.
Maybe this is his version of Purgatory, but Till just hangs somewhere between reality and subspace.
And the most terrible thing is that he sees his body shell (he does not know for sure whether it is him or just an empty body) living the same life in captivity of the Segains. Time after time.
Till will have to follow his own life from up here, as if he's watching a fascinating horror-themed TV show. Every time something changes slightly, but sometimes the changes are so small that they can't be detected.
For example, the color of shirts changes from white to light blue. Or Mizi and Sua fight for the first time – but always end up together, happy until one of them dies. So far, it's always been Sua. And Ivan, who again and again gave his life for Till. Till couldn't stand to see it. It's like his nightmare, an annoying one that makes his head ache in the morning and makes him feel bad, repeats itself every night. On the fifth such "night", Till looks for all the ways to avoid observation, but as if some force does not allow him to take his eyes off the "screen".
Now, from here, Till can see not only his own life, but also the lives of others. His heart sinks when he sees Ivan's life in a way that Till's gaze has never seen it before.
Ivan was always around, but to be honest, Till never paid much attention to the guy. He couldn't understand and didn't want to understand what was going on in Ivan's head, who for some reason was following him, helping him take off his collars and stealing his things. In short, for Till, Ivan was always an annoying thistle, and not a person with his own thoughts, feelings and past.
A. And Ivan had a past. It turns out that it was.
For some reason, in one of the versions of his own life from above, Till can also observe Ivan's life before he got to the Anakt Garden.
And, hell, if he had a heart, it would definitely burst. Till had no idea how terrible the lives of homeless people who hid in the sewers were. Till had always thought that the Segains were the worst creatures that ever lived, but these underground people – they weren't like humans or Segains. Worse than animals. And even the devils in hell's description had more humanity – at least they had pride.
All these people did was eat, sleep, and fuck. And all this in disgusting forms. Till wanted to turn his stomach out while he watched them – while someone from above forced him to watch Ivan's life in the sewers – but Till was dead. He couldn't throw up, and he hadn't eaten in a very long time, not since he died, which means five human lives in a row. And if you think about it, Till couldn't feel emotions – but somehow he was a thousand times more sensitive. It was as if when he was alive, he was separated from real emotions and feelings by a thick armor of skin and physiological needs like hunger and sleep. He was distracted by them-physical pain, any external stimulus. Right now, he was locked in a white box with a screen where he could see into his own life and the lives of others, and there was nothing to distract him. He had plenty of time to think. And he had no choice but to think.
Till realized that the most painful thing in this world wasn't physical torture. No amount of Urak's actions on his body could compare to what Till was experiencing right now. At some point, he broke down and started looking for a way out, tried to hit the walls – at least something, but there were no walls, and no doors either. Only a narrow, endless space – no matter which way Till went, he always returned to the screen very quickly, and when he wasn't looking, the "recording" was broadcast right in front of his eyes, not so clear, but causing even more pain, because then he wasn't distracted by the contemplation, and it was as if he could feel it. Everything that happens below.
Pain, frustration, longing, hopelessness.
Till managed to see Ivan perform with his song. It really was a black, black sadness. And Till was suffocating inside her as much, if not ten times as much, as Ivan was. It was as if Ivan's feelings were transmitted to him, amplified many times over.
This was definitely his punishment for ignoring everyone around him for so long and stubbornly. Even the Mizi, who he loved – in fact, wasn't Till behaving the same way Ivan did to him? He watched Mizi from afar, admired her-but did he really understand Mizi? Did he want to understand her?
After all… they were all just pathetic egoists, weren't they? everyone except Mizi and Sua, who were lucky enough to fall in love with each other, which opened up an opportunity for them to learn more about each other, because no one pushed anyone away.
Yes, Till didn't like Ivan back. But could he at least... be his friend?
After five "viewed" lifetimes, it was only now that Till was beginning to get it. He hated himself for being stupid. But he still hated Ivan, too, because he obviously wasn't much smarter than Till himself when it came to emotions.
They're both just emotionally disabled people who aren't meant to be together. Alas, there was nothing Till could have done about it, even if he had understood Ivan's feelings earlier.
And then this happened.
At some point, the usual life changed dramatically, and all the branches of their lives, similar to each other mostly as two drops of water, changed thanks to one seemingly insignificant moment. Like the "butterfly" stories that Till never quite understood.
It seemed to Till that the force that had put him in that white box with the screen, the force that had forced him to watch what was happening below day and night – as if it had finally decided to interfere with the course of a sad story.
And this "someone" was clearly not on Till's side. Or rather, not even so – this "someone" completely supported Ivan.
Till could almost hear that condescending chuckle in his head, as if to say, "Look, boy, how I'm changing his fate, because he deserves it. And you deserve to sit here and watch."
Till wouldn't say that this "God," whoever he was, was anti-Till or hated him. On the contrary, he felt a certain invisible support, as if "god" was saying: "Now you should sit quietly, watch and gain understanding, because yes, you have caused this person unbearable pain, and now you should think about your behavior. But then I'll take your life and fix it, I promise."
And Till believed it. He believed, because before his eyes Ivan's life was improving.
In the sixth version of their lives, Luka suddenly enters the scene. From where he sat, Till couldn't quite make out how the man had ended up with them in the Anact Garden, but as the story progressed, the cards were revealed.
Apparently, it was "God" who gave Lukа such power. Now Till watched as Luka, who was eight years older than them and had already taken the place of his master's pet Heperu, easily gained access to their Garden section. Luka sits under a tree for a while, clearly studying his surroundings and surroundings, and Till just feels like he's looking for someone.
Then Till sees himself a little to the side, under another tree, once again trying to talk to Mizi, who is still focused on Sua.
And there he was, Ivan in the distance, watching the three of them from behind a nearby tree, like a child who wants to join in but is afraid to approach. At one point, as he watched Ivan's life from this screen, Till's heart melted and ached whenever he saw this child alone, with that emotionless face and faded gaze. Even though Ivan now looked interested, there was still a deep, lingering longing in his expression – it didn't even look like an emotion. Just a bottomless emptiness in his eyes, which was evident in every breath, in every movement of Ivan, as if Ivan was something otherworldly, some kind of gap in the universe, and not a person. It was as if someone had made a hole in space in the shape of a small boy. Till couldn't shed any more tears, but every time he saw Ivan like this, an almost palpable lump rose in his throat. The same emptiness was settling in his heart, but it also bled cruelly.
Till had already seen this scene in one of the scripts-how Ivan stands there, many times, actually looking and not moving, not doing anything to approach them and make friends. And then he goes off and hides in a corner of the Garden alone, like a small, lonely animal. For some reason, it hurts Till to watch this, even though he understands that Ivan is the only one to blame for his loneliness, and no one else.
But, as if to refute his thoughts, this time, according to the plan of the invisible God, Ivan does not have time to hide in his dark corner. He's still standing by the tree and is turning to leave when Luka comes up to him.
This is where it all starts.
The script "Luka – the savior of lonely children".
Further events flash before Till's eyes like a kaleidoscope, like a fast-motion picture-although, most likely, his consciousness decided to do so. Despite the fact that Till could be "present" in the Garden next to the children here and now, his consciousness could also be "split" so that he could look at what was happening from the side or in two places at the same time. Basically, he used the right of an outside observer, and in the opinion of "god", it seems that this was the best option. For now, this was the best option: simultaneously living life together with the Kindergarten kids, watching every little detail of how Mizi, Sua, and Till's relationship with Ivan changed, and how Luka literally "takes Ivan as a friend." There were reasons for this, all the scenes were laid out smoothly, without a single plot hole – and yet Till is grateful that after this life, he does not remember a single detail that made him uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable – that's the only way he can describe everything he felt back then. The whole mess of emotions from surprise to pain, disappointment and even jealousy.
Who would have thought that Till would be jealous of Ivan. But it happened. Till thought it was because he had lived so many lifetimes in which everything related to Ivan's feelings and actions was completely his. Even in the versions where he had developed a near-friendly relationship with Mizi and Sua, Ivan had always looked only at Till. I only watched him, and in the end I always gave my life just so that Till could live.
But now? "God" was laughing at him. Absolutely – it was all his cruel, twisted joke, because in this life, ever since Luka started getting Ivan's attention, Ivan started to shift the focus from watching Till to his relationship with Luka.
And by all the laws of logic, this was natural and normal. Luka just didn't stick to Ivan any more than Ivan had once stuck to Till, so Ivan basically didn't have that much time to stalk Till.
And, as it turns out, reciprocity can help calm any heartache. Because even if Ivan still secretly loved Till, he was now spending half his time with Luka and – oh my God – he was genuinely smiling at him.
He never smiled like that at Till, just because Till never smiled at him first.
But Luka was doing it. Till watched their friendship angrily and thought to the screenwriter of all this idiocy that hey, this is cheating – you just made Luka into a living cuddle blanket for your pet!
The invisible god chuckled softly in his head: well, even so.
And yes, Till knew, he already knew that Ivan deserved it – but damn it! Luka?! You've got to be kidding me.
How did you bring Luka here?
For that matter, you could at least use Till – because the real him was obviously sitting somewhere in the clouds, watching from the sidelines, and he didn't really mind, even if his body was used as a comfortable pillow for Ivan, who – blah-blah-blah – deserved to be taken care of and cared for.
Don't get him wrong, Till would never have done it himself – I don't think he would have. But since you decided to torture him – you could use his body. Till would probably feel less conflicted and disgusted if he could see Ivan sitting in the corner where he used to sit alone, but now it was Till himself who was pinning him to the wall instead of Luka.
But damn it, Luka did it.
It was Luka who hugged Ivan, who comforted him and tried to cheer him up; he even helped Ivan take care of Till by removing his collar!
Why the hell did Luka even go where they weren't supposed to, and together with Ivan, look for Till whenever Urak mistreated him?
This isn't Luke's business at all! Luka shouldn't be involved in this!
Till was angry.
He'd been angry for the entire time he'd watched himself and his friends live in the Garden – but oh, God almighty, not the one who'd written the script for this shit – I can't tell you how angry Till was when...
Yes. Ivan still sacrificed his life to save him, Till. Only now did Luka step in again.
Simply put, he saved Ivan, by some miracle clearly bordering on a plot hole, pulling him off the stage after the seventh round. Ivan was definitely riddled with bullets and bleeding –Till could almost see his body lying on the floor in that soiled white suit. And now, looking at the screen, Till wasn't describing what was happening on it – for the first time in six new lifetimes, he clearly remembered his very first round with Ivan.
The one where Till was half-drugged and Ivan kissed him with his hands on his neck. The one where Ivan first gave his life for him.
They were just hallucinations, but Till felt invisible tears creeping down his cheeks, and he was choking on sobs.
This time, he was allowed to turn away for a few seconds, close his eyes, and finally find himself in total darkness. Saving silence. Just Till looking at himself. Feeling self-loathing.
No matter how powerful this plot hole was, created by a devilish screenwriter – just the thought that Ivan could have been saved makes Till's breath catch and his head spin. He feels sick.
Ivan could have been saved just as Luka is saving him now.
Yes, Ivan lost a lot of blood. But Till sees Luka, acting ahead of time and looking чертовскиpale as hell and agitated, but collected and determined, putting tight bandages on Ivan's wounds and dragging him to Heperu's lab, where he recently gained access. He uses it without ведома Heperu's knowledge, and the Segains slip Ivan's pre – prepared corpse-a replica of him, grown in record time thanks to alien technologies and deep access to them. Luka knew that Ivan would sacrifice himself. Till didn't remember them talking about it, which meant that Ivan's crush on Till was so obvious that Luka had predicted it himself.
This was despite the fact that by then Ivan seemed to have shifted all his attention from Till to Luka, who really cared about him.
Till's heart ached with longing and something wrongly bright, fluttering with joy. Does this mean that Ivan has never, in any of his lives, really forgotten Till, even if from the outside, even from his place of "all-seeing" it seemed otherwise?
The inside of me felt warm and tight. Pain and something vaguely resembling love.
Even if Till will never feel for Ivan what Ivan feels for him – it doesn't mean that Till is incapable of loving Ivan.
Now he feels more than just pain when he looks at it. And certainly not an annoyance.
The invisible interlocutor in his head grunts contentedly, and Till realizes: this is how this "god" feels about Ivan. Maybe Till's feelings are less intense, but still. He also wants Ivan to be happy – in any way possible, even if it means putting Luka in the story. Till still didn't like the idea of this asshole playing the role of "savior", but he agreed that if Ivan was happy, so be it.
And most importantly, he's alive. Finally alive after the seventh round.
"Thank you," Till says for the first time to the empty white space, not taking his eyes off Ivan, who is lying on the bed in bandages and slowly recovering. "Thank you for saving him."
On the screen, Luka drops a few tears and buries her face in Ivan's bullet-free chest, and Ivan smiles weakly but warmly – and Till smiles too, through the tears and aching pain.
He's alive, and he's finally got what he deserves – someone who loves him and makes sure Ivan is okay.
Even if Till's contribution to this is nothing, and this realization is still painful and unpleasant-Ivan in this scenario looks happier than in all previous lives combined. And maybe, just maybe, Till understands that he wouldn't mind sacrificing his life in one of the scenarios if it would save Ivan and make him happy.
Oh, Till finally went from being an egomaniac with zero empathy to a sentimental piece of shit. Hallelujah.