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The cold was biting at their faces. The snow was deep, and it took all the effort Natalie had in her body to take the next step. They hadn’t had any meat in weeks, and it was obvious. Her cheeks were hollow and her eyes were sunken in. It’d hardly be worth eating her, she thought. There wasn’t enough meat on her bones to feed a whole team.
Her labored breaths and the setting sun were what told Travis that it was about time to head back. No game, no Javi, and it had been this way for a while. Part of him knew Javi was dead, but he couldn’t give up on his baby brother. He was still so small, so frail. He wondered where those brown doe-eyes were now. Were they frozen like Jackie? Were they deep in the stomach of the wilderness, cold and lifeless? Were they searching for his big brother, hoping he could be saved? Maybe Javi was already saved. Travis knew if they didn’t find more food anytime soon, things would get ugly. And he didn’t want Javi to witness it. Maybe the best way to protect him was to let him go. But the horrors of the wilderness were certainly worse than anything the girls could become, thought Travis. It would undoubtedly be better if Javi had Travis with him.
Natalie slipped on the icy ground, snapping Travis out of his head. She swayed, as Travis grabbed her hand and held her back steady as they continued down the hill to the cabin. They clung to each other these days, but differently from the way they did over the summer. Then, they had stuck together so they had someone. Natalie wouldn’t say she had any friends on the team, besides Van. Travis wasn’t close with any of the girls; he mostly kept to himself during school. They needed someone out there. They needed someone to love. Someone to touch while everything was on fire around them. Now, they stay together so they don’t crumble. They hardly speak anymore, besides when they have to. And some nights when it gets extra cold, or the pit of hunger inside them seems especially never-ending.
Back inside the cabin, the girls knew not to talk to them. They stopped asking when they came back with sad eyes and red noses. They knew that they would go another night overwhelmingly hungry.
Van had a bucket of water near the fire, warming it up for Travis and Natalie’s return. The bathtub was almost completely full of the hot water, and as Van poured the final bucketfull in, Natalie stripped into nothing and slipped into the bathtub. Travis held her hand to steady her into the tub. There wasn’t enough room for both of them to go in at once, so Natalie usually went in first. Her cheeks were flushed, bright in comparison to her pale white skin. Her teeth were still chattering. Travis looked at her, studied her face. He already knew her so well, but she was slimmer, more hollow now. You could see how starved she was. She looked as though you could touch her and she would shatter. But he knew Natalie. His Natalie. She was tough, she wouldn’t break that easily.
Her eyes found his. She had just finished tracing his lips, his nose with her eyes. Her eyes breathed him in like she would never see him again. Maybe she wouldn’t. Natalie smiled slightly. Travis gave her a sad smile back, because how could they be happy out here? He kissed her forehead.
“We’ll be alright, Natalie,” he said to her, so gentle and soft he brought tears to her eyes.
Travis got undressed as Natalie climbed out of the tub. She dried herself off with some old piece of fabric and pulled a t-shirt over her head. Once he was settled into the bathtub, Natalie grabbed Travis’ hand with both of hers. She sat next to him, eyes big and pleading for something, anything to get this pain to stop. She always thought that emptiness couldn’t hurt. If something was nothing, how could it give her pain? She learned out here that emptiness was the worst pain there could be. She drew circles on his hand with her thumb.
After Travis got out, he pulled Natalie into him. His warm skin felt nice on her cheek, and she let herself cry for the first time in a long time. She wasn’t much of a hugger, but she needed him then. She needed him up against her, holding her tight; holding her together. Her father’s belt could never cause as much pain as the wilderness had.
She pulled herself away from him and kissed him on the lips. She walked to the other side of the room to get the rest of her clothes. She pulled a jacket and pants over her oversized shirt, because she was cold again.
By the time they were done in the bath, it was dark outside. As they walked into the living room, Van was telling a detailed, intense story. Everyone was gathered around her in a circle, with Taissa and Lottie on either side of her. Taissa looked up at her with admiration.
“Look who decided to join us!” exclaimed Van. “Sit down, this is a good one.”
Travis and Natalie sat together on the outskirts of the circle. Natalie’s focus was going in and out, like waves. She had only been to the beach a few times, but she liked the way the water rolled in and out.
“...and then, as she turned around…”
Natalie wondered what she would’ve been doing at home right now. What day was it? Surely Shauna had been keeping track in her journal. The worst part was that she didn’t know how much longer it would be like this. How long does it snow for in Canada? Would they get rescued before spring?
“...her arms flailing above the surface, but there was no one…”
She could only imagine how upset Travis must be. He has no idea where his brother is, or if he’s safe. Natalie can’t even bear to think about how painful that must be. It’s hard for her to even imagine anything worse than this.
Natalie hadn’t even realized that Van had finished her story until everyone had gotten up to go to their sleeping spots. She numbly stood up and went to the bedroom. This is where her and Travis slept, luckily. They were grateful to not have to sleep on the cold, hard floor.
In bed, Natalie turned to face Travis. She grabbed his hand and played with his fingers. Both their hands were calloused from the gun, gripping it tightly out of fear and protection and starvation and hope.
“Travis,” she whispered, her voice small.
They looked into each others eyes, searching for something maybe.
“I’m sorry,” Natalie said, breaking eye contact.
“For what, Nat?” he asked, sorrow filling his voice.
“For everything. We don’t have any food. Your brother is missing. And I’m here thinking I’m hurt.”
“Natalie, we’re all hurt. Just because Javi is missing,” he got caught on Javi’s name for a moment, “doesn’t mean that you aren’t suffering either. We’re all starving.”
“But I’m supposed to be the one getting food for everyone. And I haven’t tried hard enough to find Javi,” she said.
“We’re both hunting. It’s not your fault we can’t find any game. It’s not your fault we can’t find him. Alright?” Travis said, reassuring her.
“I know, but–”
“Natalie. Stop. You’ll just make it worse. Okay? I fucking love you. Nothing can change that.” Travis talked to her with so much certainty that she thought for a moment everything would be okay.
They laid staring at the ceiling for a few moments before Natalie broke the silence.
“What if we don’t get help, Travis? What if we don’t get rescued? What then?” she asked.
“We will, don’t worry. And even if we don’t, we can make it work. It won’t be winter forever.”
That was what she needed to hear. Because he’s right. It won’t be winter forever.
“I’ll tell you this; we get rescued. We get a house together. Where do you want to go?” Travis told her.
Natalie thought. “Maybe somewhere in upstate New York. Or maybe somewhere warm. Or the west coast. I don’t know”
“Okay. We don’t have to figure it out now. But I get us a house, wherever you want, okay? And it can be however you want it to be. If we can’t find one, I’ll build one for you. My uncle was a contractor, so I know some stuff.”
“Oh really, Martinez. Look at you, building houses,” Natalie joked. She lost her humor nowadays.
He smiled. “What do you want?”
“Big windows. And a pool maybe,” Natalie told him.” And you.”
“I’m flattered,” he said, with a joking tone.
His lips crashed into hers and it felt like that summer again. Before their hair started falling out and their skin was tight against their bones and before they had Jackie Taylor in their stomachs.
“I want you there, too,” Travis told her between kisses.
When they had finished, they settled back down into the bed, looking at the ceiling.
“Do you want kids?” Travis turned to her and asked.
Natalie was caught off guard. She hadn’t really thought about it before. Mostly because her mother had told her that she would overdose by 30. She just accepted that she wouldn’t live long enough, and if she did end up getting pregnant, it would be a mistake and she would end up just like her parents. The thought scared her, so she would always push it away.
“I mean, I don’t know. I’ve always been scared I’d fuck them up. I don’t want to be my parents,” she admitted.
“You don’t have to be. You’re so much more than them, Natalie. You’re beautiful, and so strong. You’re a good person,” he said as she turned to face him.
“Are you sure?” she asked him. She killed her father. She couldn’t get any food for the team. She couldn’t find Javi.
“Yes. And when we leave, we can get that house with the big windows and a pool and however many kids you want, if any at all. It’ll be perfect. And whenever you feel like you can’t make it out of here, just remember our house, okay?” Travis tucked her hair behind her ear.
“Okay.” Natalie truly smiled, for the first time in a long time. She wrapped her arms around Travis, tight.
They fell asleep tangled together, a mess of hope and starvation and love for each other.
And it would be okay.