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It’s been a week. A week has passed since Nancy and Robin kissed.
“Nance’, I had to leave Robin at the station. Do me a solid and take her home, thanks.”
No. Obviously she refused. Being alone with Robin again wouldn’t exactly be a sabotage to their normal relationship, just…a small strain. And Steve had plenty of experience standing up girls anyhow, he could skip one week-long relationship to give Robin a ride.
Nancy knows she’s overthinking it. Of course she could stand to be alone with her friend, it’s not like sharing a room meant Nancy would pounce on her like some animal. They never kissed because of some ‘dormant passion’, it was an offer meant to prepare Robin. Nancy didn’t want her to smack teeth her first kiss. Nancy wanted to comfort her. To assure her that the things she wanted weren’t strange or impossible to have.
But since Nancy did something she wanted, they haven’t talked all week. It’s not like they haven’t seen each other, separation isn’t an option anymore. Instead of half-panicked interceptions of military frequencies and rushed decoding of where the next crawl would be, Nancy wanted to hear her friend talk about something that didn’t matter.
For someone that was so magnetic and personable, the way Robin talked about herself that night made her seem so lonely. How often did Robin think she was never meant to belong in a place like Hawkins? That somehow, the way she was born would always make it harder to love?
Maybe that’s why Nancy was driving up to the Squawk. Nancy was scared, scared of what might go through Robin’s head when they were together like this again. But she’d rather be scared than leave Robin alone for longer than she could help it.
Nancy parked and briskly walked to the entrance. She let herself in.
She called out, “Robin?”
She looked through the window of the DJ booth door, empty. Nancy carefully inhaled.
“Robin!?” She called out harsher.
Nancy beelined to the padlock, the shelf was already moved and no one had bothered to move it back to its disguised place. Although calmer with some relief, Nancy still rushed down the rickety staircase.
Again, she called out, “Robin?”
She stopped halfway down. Nobody was hunched over the radio. Nobody was sitting on any couch or table. No one was there.
Maybe it was just like last week. Nancy must have just missed her outside, she could’ve been on the other side of the building. Nancy turned back around. Then why isn't the shelf put back? Could they have traced them somehow? Tracked it down to here and taken Robin? Was she okay? What if they-
“Nancy?” Robin’s voice croaked.
Nancy whipped back around.
It was a moment before Robin sat up from the couch. The egregious bedhead almost felt purposeful to downplay the situation. Nancy closed her eyes and breathed. Of course. Of course she was laying down in the only place you couldn’t see from the stairs.
“Steve send for you?”
“Yeah, a date.”
Robin stands from the couch. Her shirt ridden up slightly so that Nancy’s able to catch a glimpse of her skin before she smooths it back down.
“Did I freak you out again?”
She grabs her windbreaker (the same one) and holds it under her arm.
“Yeah—but,” Nancy swallows, “That’s just me. Were you tired?”
She waits for Robin to catch up so they can walk up shoulder to shoulder.
“Mhm, I haven't really been sleeping all that well and it’s a lot quieter down here, sorry I scared you again.”
“No, don’t be. I shouldn't be so paranoid.”
“Nancy, I understand why you're scared.”
They pause at the top of the stairs. She looks up at Robin whose hand comes up to hold Nancy’s arm. Her thumb strokes her shoulder.
“Things are different now. We know what we're doing, and I know you know what you're doing. I’m safe. I’ll be okay. I’m not saying to stop worrying, it just worries me to see you so worked up. Does that make any sense?”
Nancy nods, “Yeah, of course. You’re right.”
Regrettably, Robin’s hand falls away back to her side, “I want to ask you if you’re—”—she pauses to glance up—“…hearing that?”
Nancy holds her breath, sounds like a bunch of drops on roof. It’s just rain. Rain?
“Shit, get in the car! How long has it been raining!?”
If it’s already muddy then they’re totally stuck at the station. Nancy jogs back to the entrance.
“Nancy, I really gotta tell you the building doesn't have any gutters so when the roof gets full it just-!”
A gushing sheet of water smacks into Nancy’s head and she gasps in a full shivering breath. Robin is laughing pulling her back inside.
“That-” Robin giggled. “That didn't hurt, did it?”
She’s reduced to snorting leading to the bathroom. Nancy shakes her head, which does not come off very clear now that all of her is shaking. Robin helps her peel off her coat first thing, which thankfully soaked up the brunt of the assault. Her laughter dies away as she drapes it to dry over the open bathroom door. But Nancy’s thin sweater was still wet, and suctioned to her back.
“Uh, do you need help with this one, too?” Robin’s voice was suddenly quiet, Nancy would have missed it if she wasn’t so close behind her.
Nancy bit the inside of her lip, “Yeah. Please.”
She raised her arms up and let her eyes shut. Robin’s fingertips brushed over her cold skin that leeched tastes of warmth from her little by little. It wasn’t one smooth and quick movement. She had to run her fingers under the hem of the sweater to unstick it from her skin, then roll it up as much as it would allow before unsticking it again. As she progressed Nancy felt Robin’s fingers brush the hooks of her bra, they both flinch. She whispers an apology and Nancy whispers back her forgiveness. Once it’s over her head and the sleeves slide off her arms, goosebumps tingle on her skin and she shivers. Robin drapes it on the same door as the coat.
“Is there any spare clothes here?” Nancy goes to turn around but suddenly thinks better of it, she crosses her arms over her chest.
“Sadly not, but you may consider the limited edition “Rockin’ Robin” windbreaker,” Robin puts it on so it's hanging over Nancy’s shoulders while she continues to pitch: “There’s no fixed rate ladies, but don’t let that stop you from owning the jacket of your dreams.”
Nancy smiles fitting her arms down the sleeves. It’s fashionably baggy on Robin but the windbreaker just swallows her up. The idea of wearing Robin’s clothes becomes more surreal when Nancy zips it. She pinches the fabric of the collar between her fingers, quickly lost in memory. It’s like Robin’s holding her again, the same woody cologne floods her senses.
“Are your jeans wet, too? You-You really don't have to be embarrassed, I’ve been in a locker room before but-but not in a weird way, duh, I was supposed to be there, it was P.E.. We could hang those by your coat and sweater, and I can lend you my jeans.”
“I thought there were no spares?” Nancy craned her neck to look at Robin.
Who pointed to her own legs with finger guns with her feet wide apart, Elvis style.
Immediately a skeptical bark of laughter comes from Nancy, “You’re joking,”
“No!” Robin looked offended. “No, I’m serious! You could get a fever and be out of comission for who knows how long…Are you sure you’re willing to risk that?”
Nancy wanted to say yes, she was just stumped by how easy-going Robin was acting tonight. It’s not hard to realize the kiss didn’t effect her as much as it effected Nancy. She told Robin herself: nothing more than practice. So it’s not a surprise that she’s treating her like always. Girls help girls, that’s how it goes.
She was still pointing at her jeans.
Nancy waved her hand and shrugged, “Fine! Fine! Just…turn around.”
Robin twirls, “Affirmative, Commander!”
A breath of laughter leaves Nancy. She could her the clicking and rustling of them both undoing their belts, kicking off shoes (plus wet socks), and finally dropping and stepping out of their pants.
“Okay, my eyes are covered. You still there?”
Nancy turns and as she’s said she has one hand over her eyes and one had extending out her jeans, her belt still in the loops for Nancy to use. Nancy’s eyes drift down in spite of her weak will demanding she respect her friend. She’s not as surprised as she thought to see Fourth-Of-July themed men’s briefs. They’re navy blue covered in a repeat print of white stars, the waistband is half red and half blue.
“I—yes?”
She takes the jeans and Robin grins, “Yeah, I know.”
They both laugh and Nancy shakes her head. Robin has turned giddy for whatever reason. She did say she hasn’t been sleeping and Nancy really wants to know why, behind the warmth flooding her chest there's a cold sting of guilt inside her for waking Robin up. But it’s gone when she pulls up the jeans; Robin’s legs cannot be this long.
“You can look.”
Robin playfully peeked through her fingers and looked her up and down. Nancy’s felt her cheeks warm.
Her hand fell away and she wolf-whistled, “Nice outfit, slick. Where’d you get it?”
“Oh, this is all they had at the homeless shelter.” Nancy sweetly smiled. When she started walking out of the bathroom Robin immediately trailed behind her.
“Ouch. I get that your personal style is being jeapordized but don’t you think maybe not being naked and cold would get me a ‘thank you, Robin!’…orrr…?”
When Nancy looked back, Robin’s hands were up and gesturing around; still expecting some gratitude.
Nancy thought about it, stopping at the staircase, “...and they say chivalry is dead.”
Robin beamed, “You think I’m chivalrous?”
Nancy looked at her stony-faced then turned without an answer. She had no choice, her cologne was in every breath, her warm clothes are on Nancy's body, and now she was smiling at her so hopefully with her big dark eyes while they were alone and she’s in her stupid underwear and they were alone.
They collapse on the couch with a small space between them, though she could brush Robin’s knee if she wanted to. But she didn’t. Nancy’s hair was still wet, she should focus on that instead of freckled legs. There’s a pillow beside Robin, probably the one she was using, the cover was a terrible mustard yellow. No one would miss that. Nancy adjusts herself so that her arm is draped over the cushion behind Robin’s head and reaches over her to grab the pillow. She slips the cover off and starts drying off her hair.
“Oh, sure you can use my pillowcase that I brought from home, thanks for asking.”
When she’s done she drops it to the floor, again, without a word. Robin huffs.
“How’s Jonathan?”
Nancy tried to hide the pure shock; She looks up at Robin and shrugs, “Fine.”
“Fine? You see him everyday, you literally live with him. That must be nice…?”
Nancy nods, “It’s nice.”
“If something’s—
“Well-I just don’t want to talk about him right now.” Nancy says.
That seems to end the conversation. Now it’s quiet. Now she’s thinking about Jonathan. He’s probably asleep. Would he be thinking about her? Maybe, if there was a decomposing animal in the corner of your house and you didn’t move it, you’d think about it. Now she had a sick feeling in her stomach, a burn in her throat. She didn’t want to think about Jonathan.
“I just—Why?” Robin sounds exasperated. Nancy is scared.
“Because! I—” Her voice peters out. There was too much to say. Too much truth. Not enough excuses.
Because I don’t think I love him? Because I want to throw up now? Because I want to talk about you? Why can’t you sleep? Can I do anything to help?
“Nancy-”
“Because this is how I lost Barb! I loved her, and I left her alone for Steve! I left her all alone! And she—”
Her face comes back, bloated from rot. Blue skin swathed with purple veins. Wriggling leeches on her tongue and her body swaddled by the roots of the hive mind. The pulsing in Nancy’s head booms in her ears. Robin grabs her hand and squeezes, says her name. Then again, and again. She begs Nancy to look at her and she drapes her arm over her shoulders to grab her arm tightly.
“Nancy, please, what do you need? What can I do?”
The words try to form but die on her lips. Nancy gives up, she lets her head drop on Robin’s shoulder. Robin goes slow, gently pulling Nancy toward her so her face rests on her chest. Her faint squeeze, deep breathes, her heartbeat, her warmth. Nancy realizes how tired she is. She gets the idea to move closer, hide her face in the crook of Robin’s neck and inhale.
“Is this okay?” Robin breaks her out of her dream.
Nancy mumbles, “Why haven’t you been sleeping?”
She can feel her head move to look down at her and back up.
“I’m scared of messing up the crawl.”
“Why?”
“If I miss something, it’s my fault. I’m the decoder. If my answer is wrong, Hop’ dies. And we’ll never kill Henry.”
“It's never been wrong. You've never been wrong.”
Robin chuckles dryly.
“Is that it? The only reason?”
Robin said, “I shouldn’t say, I don’t want you to think of me like I’m some—I don’t want you to think of me differently.”
Nancy brings herself to seperate from Robin to look her in the eye.
“We went into hell together and came back. Do you think I could just stop caring about you in a night? Tell me, it’s okay.”
Her hand rests on Robin’s who gazes down with a look so deep, Nancy almost feels self-consious.
“I think of, when we last talked, what we did. I know it’s weird, but it felt like…I don’t know,”
“Felt like what?”
“…More.”
Robin’s whisper snakes inside of Nancy and plunges into her heart. More. More. More. It feels like more. More than she said it was, more than they’ve pretended it could be. More than what Nancy knows, it exists beyond the pale that is her idea of love. What it’s supposed to be, what it’s supposed to look like. Nancy knows it looked like her and Jonathan; brought together by loss. Misplacing the love left behind by Barb, behind by Will for Jonathon. The love that had nowhere to go but between them. It was a kind of suicide, an act of despair. It wasn’t what they needed, what was right, but was there any other way out of grief? It was what was there for them, all either of them had.
“I want more.” Nancy said. “I’ve wanted more.”
Robin looks overwhelmed. Her shoulders rise and fall with sporadic breathing. Her eyes are framed by pinched, worried brows.
“What about Jonathan?”
“He doesn’t need me like this, I know he doesn’t.” Nancy holds her hand tighter, pleading. “I’ve thought about that night too.”
“Really?”
Nancy nods, “I was scared of what you thought. If what I did ruined us somehow, I was selfish. I didn’t know how to show you that I….I loved you, Robin. I love you.”
Robin squeezes Nancy’s hand instinctively. Fanning the flame that’s about to burst in Nancy’s heart.
Robin laughs. She bursts into laughter and leans fully back to sink into the couch and laughs. She snorts, “I-I’m sorry, it’s really unbelievable! I’m in my underwear, and the prim and proper Nancy Wheeler is telling me she loves me! in my clothes!”
Nancy seethes, “Are you seriously doing this right now?”
Robin jolts up, “No! Sorry! I love you too! So much! I was just laughing at the scenario because just objectively, it’s—uh,”
Nancy’s jaw is clenched while she glares into Robin’s eyes, irritatingly she grins.
“Nance’, I have a low attention span already and that look does not help.”
She leans in like Nancy is a magnet. (Not at all) reluctantly, Nancy accepts her apology kiss on her lips. And the second one. And the third is when she allows herself to smile. By the fourth she’s lying on her back, Robin hovering over her.
“It’s probably stopped raining by now.”
“Yeah,” Nancy wraps her arms around her, “Probably.”