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It was dark, as this place tended to be.
I never understood how, despite Medulla's face being the symbol of spawn, representing a sun, this place always presented itself as night.
Luckily, Medulla wasn't cruel enough to take light away from a fireplace. The orange and yellow char of the wood specks, flaming up into the chimney of our home, radiated throughout the whole house. An occasional bristle of cold wind would strike our door that was open, leading to Anima, who was dozing off at the edge of our entrance's staircase. It was shocking that someone who was wearing the least amount of clothes could withstand the horrid weather this hellhole gave us. Painbody gently snored, almost as quiet as a mouse, on my lap. They curled onto me for comfort as they slept, which they tended to do after a nightmare. I was completely okay with it, for it was a way to ground me from my memories. Though tonight it wasn't enough to stop me from remembering. My mind, a terrible place, began to think about the beginning of my existence.
The moment I was fragmented off of Doherty, I was in torture. A chamber of anxiety, hallucinations, and 2 individuals I didn’t know. Two I call siblings now, though they started as strangers.
A grey, horridly bandaged mute avian. They had curly, puffed grey hair, almost hard to distinguish the color of their skin from their hair, though it was noticeable the more time you spent around them. Around the indent in their nose, they had the same spawn symbol as the rest of us. It cut their vocabulary and speech.
An olive-toned, equally bandaged deaf avian. Long, slick, and greasy brown hair reaching and falling perfectly down their shoulders. The symbol returning along their chest, representing top-surgery scars one would perform if they would resign along the label transgender, though not all do.
And lastly, I, a yellowish-peach blind avian. I have curly, brownish black hair that ends at my shoulders--the most similar to Doherty. My eyes, blinded by shallow, needing to cover the horrible sight, no pun intended, of my eyelids, torn and disheveled. My thumbs were horribly cut by my own decision.
The three of us. Covered in keloid scars, we all never remembered where they came from. Though the message we put together was.
We were the infamous quote.
"See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil."
Though unlike my siblings, I was different. They all shared characteristics of Doherty, but nothing to my level of extreme. They weren't as afraid of this new place. They weren't tormented and haunted by the horrid memories that god gifted me with. I was the only one who had met our creator. The reason for our existence. The one we were based on. And as for some, this may sound like a blessing, to know who you are descended from, your ancestors, to meet your purpose in life. It was nothing but a deeper scar than the others I carried. For some reunions, it was a gentle hug and perhaps a discussion of past and present. The only present I was gifted was a kiss on Doherty's knuckles.
The sound of coding was heard, a disgusting Morse code-like beeping of a keyboard rapidly approaching.
I remember every single script.
"local torso = parent:Clone()
local right arm = rarm:Clone()
local left arm = larm:Clone()
local left leg = lleg:Clone()
local right leg = rleg:Clone()"
The first word I learned was, Break.
It chanted, violently.
Break,
Break,
Break,
Break,
BREAK.
Before I knew it, a wave of pain scorched my body. A feeling no one could ever replicate. The feeling of being split in half, your insides being torn apart. The feeling of your intestines being torn and sewn back together in a matter of seconds. The feeling of your eyes being ripped from the back of your skull, every line of muscle holding it in place, aggressively tearing. Mine and another's voice screaming.
The hellish keyboard then typed the words I would know and love, the name I would use for the rest of my life, my file name.
"nil.echo"
Through the sound of typing, I could hear mine and someone else's breath. Panting, hyperventilating even. The beginning of my memory.
Moments after I was gifted life, my senses came in. My head throbbed in ache, my eyes blinded by a vision I never knew, only seeing dark--Ironic as it was, all I would see if I had eyes anyway, being in a void abyss of a world. An ache in my chest as I adapted to what mortals called a heart, though it was not the same. Humans had things within their bodies to live as I did, though they were coated in blood vessels, muscle, and cells. I had none of that.
My "blood vessels" were oil, tungsten wires pumping oil into a battery that kept me alive, or sentient for lack of better words. The "bones" were simply an endoskeleton that thrashed at every movement, friction making sparks at every movement I made due to the new sensation it was adapting to, recently made. These lungs I owned were simple empty oil tanks, pumping and wheezing as they struggled to keep up with my hyperventilation. My hands shook, although I was made up of technology, I didn't look like it. Flesh remained on my body, that yellowish peach I would call my skin. As I felt along my arms, there were ragged cuts, cuts I myself had not made. Cuts that, for some reason, seemed like they were there long before my existence.
"I... I can't see." I began through broken breaths. I felt oil pace down my eyelids, something of which I now know was representing tears, crashing down my faceplates, representing tears. A name, a name echoed in my mind. It swallowed so much of my consciousness that the next words didn't even feel like I was saying them. "Sean?.."
"Breathe.. Slowly." Someone responded, supposedly that 'Sean'. He seemed to also be breathy, another dot connecting and putting together that the mutual pain and hyperventilation were coming from him.
"Careful not to choke on your own blood." He raged out, almost immediately coughing. Seeming to fail to do his own words, he cleared his throat, his breaths attempting to shallow.
"Did.. Did I split?" I gurgled out, remembering his words and attempting to keep whatever sense of 'blood' I had in my system within my system and not to leak out.
"I.." He trailed; he seemed to be either crying or laughing. At the moment, it was uncertain which was the correct one.
"I don't blame you, Echo." He finished. His voice continuing to shake, the sound of a priest-like robe was heard brushing along Sean's mechanical-like parts. He was, like me. Or at least had robotic parts from what I could hear.
"Painbody.. and Anima.. split too." The last word of that statement seemed as if it were painful to say. Painbody and Anima, were those the others? The two I recall? The grey and the olive colored ones. They made the same mistakes as I did. We all hurt Sean. We all hurt him as a method to escape this void. My memories flooded back to me at those words, a remembrance of how many times we had done this 'splitting' action.
It was a way that harmed both subjects involved, a method of escape to free at least one of us from this hellhole. To interfere with Jake, to stop him, to shut down and burn the directory. The number of times the 4 of us did this action was so much to the point that we lost count. It made us all--
"I'm losing my .. FUCKING. Mind." Sean interfered with my thoughts, saying a phrase I believe all of us wanted to say. Though Painbody is the least due to their lack of vocals.
"Don't.. Don't say that, okay?" I retorted. As much as it was true, saying it out loud when a god that fed off our suffering was around wouldn't help anything but its entertainment. I understood Sean's frustration to a good level. We were never mortals, but from the stories we were told, being a human, a mortal, was much more relaxing at times than this constant torture.
Medulla was a scary individual. They could take apart anyone's mind and split everyone up against each other like a puppeteer. That's all we were to their world, puppets. We had no way of escaping... yet. None that were proven successful.
I felt Sean's worry. I know that deep down, despite not knowing me for very long, he knew that in any moment, he could be controlled by Medulla's orders and sabotage me, making my suffering worse. Though I knew deep down he would never enjoy such actions.
"I know you're not going to hurt me."
"Don't." He cut me off again, a common trend. "Don't do this.. don't. Don't suck up to me."
Sean was always seen as weak by the gods, despite, of course, going through pains that nobody would be able to go through. We, the fragments, knew how much he was suffering. Though every time we attempted to help, it was the instant thought process that he was weak and we needed to help him.
He took in a breath. "You know it." A meaningful pause. A painful pause. A pause, of which the next words he seemed to hate to say.
"I know it." He finished his statement.
"--I'm being molded into a monster." His words felt almost manipulative. He was stuck in a mindset from which no one could get him out. Medulla had immense control over his thoughts and way of life. This was the exact reason it was so hard to escape, because of these thoughts.
"The matador is lying to you." I began, my breath bubbled with oil, making it hard not to slur my words. As much as I know, I could never break him out of this trance, but I wouldn't want to fail without trying.
"I promise.. There's a way out! Retribution isn't the way--"
"SHUT UP." He yelled. I felt rough and callused knuckles hit me dead in my eye sockets, causing a force that made me fall back. I fell to the ground heavily, landing on my hands. I could feel the bruises the fall had made; it was only more to my collection.
He inhaled, and it was now clear that he was sobbing. "Please." He took in harsh inhales, his sobs flooding his lungs to the point it was hard to understand his words.
"Why does everyone say that to me?" He cried out. I could tell he was burying himself in some sort of scarf due to how muffled he was. I know he regretted that hit, so I didn't scold him for it.
His cries were the last of that memory, and to be completely fair, I'm glad. My memories always had breaks in them, gaps that were never answered unless I met the guy. Which, we all know, was impossible at this time.
My senses came back to me, my hand was along my other, feeling the deep scar of Medulla's mark. In a way, I was happy I would not be able to see it, though some part of me wishes I could, so I could continue scolding myself for not being able to set Sean free.
A familiar voice fully grounded me back to my senses.
"Are you thinking about him again?" Anima spoke, followed by a yawn. They must've successfully dozed off and fallen into slumber, probably awoken by the harsh winds. I don't think anyone could sleep comfortably in that cold.
My hands lowered, and I went back to tending to Painbody, brushing the curls out of their eyes to make sure they were sleeping soundly. They normally would flicker if a nightmare was occurring.
"I mean..." I sighed before continuing my statement. "What else can I think about?"
"We did what we could, alright?" I could feel the eyeroll they had given me; it made my blood boil slightly.
"I don't like it when you say that." There was more we could've done; there had to have been. We could've done more if we had the answers, deeming his statement incorrect and false.
"There's nothing we can really do, Echo." A message I was told over and over, and as much as I hated it, Anima was right.
"The markship fell through, and we found nothing to sever our ties to Sean. That's just how it is."
"Yeah, well, I don't accept that." I no longer faced the direction I heard Anima; I faced towards the fireplace, my face flushed in heat again to warm myself from this cold. "I think we can still save ourselves."
"Echo, I'm just... exhausted." Anima was giving up. "If we're going to up and die soon, I'd rather do it when we're all in one place." He paused, feeling the need to add a word. "Peacefully."
"I'm not going to take it lying down. You shouldn't either." The gears within my body sparked from my determination. "I'm going to try every damn thing I can think of. Alright? You guys are all I have now since Jake's disappeared."
"Medulla wants us and Sean to give up." I finished, returning to the fire. I was done with this conversation, and it was known to both subjects in the conversation.
I gave a huff, hearing Anima's footsteps trail off. I will not give up, I will not suck up to Medulla's plan; they want this. And we are simply just giving them their result. I will rebel. If Sean won't, and my siblings won't, I will. My thoughts were interrupted by another pang to the head, almost as if a gunshot had been shot through our skulls.
The three of us, minus Painbody, who simply gave a high-pitched squeak, screamed: "FUCK."
"Felt that too?" Anima hushed out, speaking pained.
"Yeah?!-- FFuuck!" I exclaimed again, the pain echoed through my head, throbbing. I hated how our shared pain and frustration worked with Sean; it hurt like hell.
Painbody grabbed a paper, I heard the shuffles, and they began jotting things down. I leaned back and waited for the message to be done. Anima was the only one who could read it, so I waited to be transmitted the message. I heard Anima mutter underneath his breath, reading silently. They took in a breath and shakily exhaled. It couldn't be anything good.
"It's Sean, they had another one of those nightmare/vision things. Where they see what's happening to Sean in the shape of a nightmare." He explained, I instantly picked my head up, grabby-handing at Anima to lead me over to them. The three of us sat at the edge of the bed, Painbody clinging to me, Anima's arm around the two of us, and me sitting there, silently panicked.
"What happened? What did they see?" I asked, giving a gulp.
"Sean argued with Medulla about Medulla doing more than the deal Sean agreed to. Medulla has other plans, something for a conduit... He needed Sean to make it? And it ended with Sean screaming no." Anima explained, I could hear the slight shuffle in avian wings. Painbody was nodding and shaking their head in what was true and false.
"If what Painbody saw just happened... then--"
"What I'm more focused on is Jake." I interrupted Anima; that name rolled off my tongue in disgust. The man who, if he just stayed out of a man's death, things would be much easier.
"I thought Sean was still angry with him." I continued, Why would he defend that imbecile if all he's been saying is wishing upon his downfall? Nothing made sense.
"I'm as confused as you," Anima replied. I felt Painbody shift their weight onto Anima now, comforting exhales coming from the two of them.
"We did exactly that Medulla said." I began, taking in a breath and trying to figure things out in the moment. "I mean, I knew Medulla was tormenting Jake recently, and I understood why Sean was upset with Jake, but... Medulla.." My thoughts trailed off, and a switch clicked in my brain. My eyesockets widened through the bandages, my eyelashes brushing against them in a discomforting feeling which wasn't important within this moment.
I stood up, my joints sparking again to the sudden movement.
"Echo...?" Anima's voice lingered, confused as to why I stopped rambling and stood up.
"I think we've been going about this wrong." I began, my voice panicked. "We all had the wrong idea."
"What?" Anima spoke up in confusion.
"What if Medulla already got what he wanted or needed from Sean? Why is Sean still in control?" My hand met my chin as I pondered. "The only reason, at least to us, is that Medulla needed a vessel to grow the conduit. But, Medulla's had that since last year?"
"And.. while the Pylons and shit needed a long time to make, Sean doesn't need to be in control for it to be made." I paused, my head tilting as more dots began to click. "Sean is already seized by Medulla. The two reasons why Medulla would agree to torment Jake are if it would break Sean down more. And then, break... down Jake. Himself." I took in a breath, my hands shaking in genuine fear. I had successfully put together the pieces, and to be honest, I wish I had never done so.
"Sean wasn't the target, Jake was!" I turned in the direction I last heard Anima. I could feel the room being as worried as I was. Maliciously, it eased me slightly to know that my siblings weren't that oblivious.
"Jake was the target this entire time... That's why he let Sean talk to Jake at all! To.. To communicate with him, to weaken Jake's mental capacities!" My voice shook harder as universal fright filled the room.
I felt my ears fogging up, a sign I wish I had picked up sooner. "He's trying to make Jake his second Vessel. This is EXACTLY what he was doing to Sean in 2013!--"
The familiar 8-bit crushed my voice, repeating it like a bug in a script. I felt the mood change; the fire was no longer warming me, and I couldn't feel Painbody besides me. Same with Anima. I couldn't feel the wood planks beneath my feet, and the familiar cold wind brushed up against my endoskeleton. Something changed. I am not where I'm supposed to be.
The typing echoed my thoughts, my eyes widening as I realized what had just happened. I was interfered with, transported to a new place, a new setting within Nilspace. I had known too much, and that coward of a god sent me somewhere to avoid interference. I let my knowledge get to me, and they heard. They heard my intelligent connections to what was happening, deciphering their plan, and it got to me. I was sabotaged.
I heard birds chirping, a familiar sound. I felt the grass against my feet, an odd sun radiating onto my "skin". This was not home, where was I? My emotions clustered, and I overwhelmed myself. There was too much happening in such small time. I felt my mechanical lungs close in, like someone crushing a can. A recognizing feeling came to me. Fear.
I felt my oil bubble into my eyelids, the presumably dirty white bandages now flooding in black as I let loose and sobbed. I burst into pained cries, almost of which merged into laughter, maniacal laughter. Laughter, which wasn't brought by joy, though by exhaustion. My hand meets my bandages, crying into my hand as the excess oil leaks into my palms.
I feel my knees give out as I crash into the green grass, breaking down. I gripped onto grass patches, tearing them up and throwing them, though it solved nothing but my own pain. I continued laughing, my beret hitting the grass. I felt my whole body shake. I hated this. Why was I doomed to be tormented? It was my whole existence; I wasn't a mortal trying to escape. I was made to help Sean, and I couldn't even do that. I was a weak, pathetic excuse of a solution to a problem I couldn't stop.
Through tears, I muttered. "I'm so sick of this SHIT." I choked up more breaths, coughing as the oil flooded my cavities.
My breakdown was interrupted by the sound of a starting computer, the familiar sound of a windows pc booting up, followed by some mechanical shifting upward. I couldn't tell what was happening around me, but the birds stopped, and so did the feeling of the sun. I heard coding, familiar typing, and booting up sounds. I stood up, dusting off the dirt from my knees as I stared in the direction I heard it all.
I travelled forward until I hit a wall, grunting to the blunt force that hit my head. I felt around the wall, navigating my way through. There were wires, wires among buttons, among wires. This was like an electronic facility? No, these were servers. I was definitely in a tech facility. Where the fuck was I, and why is there a server field in Nilspace?
"It's nice to finally m--eet you." A robotic, horridly tuned voice spoke, causing me to flinch. I turned my head in the direction from which it spoke. I defensively put my fists together in case I would need to protect myself.
"Who are you?" I responded.
"I don't ex--actly have a n--ame." It responded in bit crush, continuing to glitch. "Calgary calls me Machinator." Calgary? What city was this Machinator on about?
"Alright then.. Machinator." I began, my fists eased as I felt slightly safer, only slightly. It felt as if Medulla wasn't always watching on the corner of my shoulder, a weird feeling. A feeling I wasn't used to.
"What... is this place?"
"The terminal," Machinator responded almost instantly.
"Terminal.. to.. what?"
"It's just the name." He responded as if he was saying it with a side eye, that is, if this individual even had a face that could produce such a reaction. By the voice, he could tell Matador was mechanically made. Though not all robots are made the same. "You can sit down if you'd like, sir."
I took a few hesitant steps forward. "I detect that your motion values are very low."
"Uh... meaning?"
"You're depressed." This comment almost made me release a snicker. Was it that obvious?
"You believe you're going to die alone here?" Matador continued; it was genuinely reading him too well.
"I mean..--"
"You don't have to respond." It cut me off, slightly offended, I held my tongue. "I know I'm correct."
"It's... more than that, Machinator." I hesitantly responded, Why was I going into this with a random individual whom I couldn't even tell if it was on the same side as me. I suppose I had given up. I already put myself in this odd place, might as well speak to the only other individual here that I was aware of.
"Would you like to talk about it?" Machinator's monotone voice showed some sort of therapeutic professionalism.
I took a breath. "Is there an option to go back to where I came?" My heart longed for my siblings, and something deep inside me started realizing I might not ever be able to feel their presence anymore. That last moment with them was my last.
"No." Machinator shallowly responded. My heart sank. It was true. "In fact, I believe you were sent here by Painbody for... protection."
That smart, silent bastard.
"I cannot confirm the safety of the other two. And though this is a very secure place, I cannot confirm that you will be safe from the parasite." Machinator explained, my hands shook, not from fear but from anger at the inability to prevent this outcome.
"I do not know how much time you have. Although I would like to record what your thoughts are on this." I heard whirring coming from the servers, presumably the record beginning.
"I guess this was really all for nothing." I paused. "Like, man. What was the point of any of that if we were just going to die in the end? Dying and, not even in a cool way."
I attempted to crack myself up. It failed. "Just, suddenly. Not existing anymore. I was trying to find a reason for it.
Like, why there was nothing here, and why this world is just so?.. Cruel and empty.
But.
I found nothing.
Then, the more they eventually saw through me. I can't blame them for knowing the truth. That I was just another aimless nobody.
What I've learned, if anything, is just... I guess being a person is really, really hard."
"The beeps in this room, they are determined to beep each time a Nil-instance is created in this sector. And only a fraction of the sectors that surround the one we occupy. Hundreds, thousands, each hour. Artificial and organic. Fewer of them are husks. Despite those odds, I believe you did find something.
You found emotion.
Feelings.
Experiences with others.
You felt the need to serve your friends.
You felt the want and need to love them.
That is what being someone is like. The weight of trying to exist as a good person never beats the weight of a cruel world.
But.
If there are enough people like you, eventually, the world becomes feathers."
"What if I'm just... forgotten by everyone? What if I... iterate into a husk? Something less than a person?"
"You won't be," Machinator replied. "Nil-Instance isn't like memories. We never die. We just iterate. Regardless of our iteration, we are a matter that exists consistently. Either through particles, the appearance of man. It requires patience.
I promise, Echo.
Your patience will be rewarded.