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Endless snowflakes beat over the roads and every rooftop as I wait for Ira. I wonder, does the universe care what we think of it? No, does it even know? I’ve never really been bothered by the cold. The numbness in my face can be uncomfortable, but that’s just how the universe works. And if I were never uncomfortable, it wouldn’t mean anything to be comfortable, would it? The world is more beautiful for having this sensation in it. Thank you. But what would happen if I didn’t see that beauty? Would the universe apologize, take it back, make it snow less? Would the universe become even colder, to scold me for my ignorance? …I don’t think the world would do any of that. I am just one small person, in the end. My thoughts and emotions… I’m just too insignificant for them to matter to the universe. Then what if I were bigger? What if I were a giant, what if—What if I represented the thoughts of a whole facility? Would the universe care then?
I trace the path of a single snowflake in the sky. I don’t know why I like to do it, but I do. It comes down under a tree, swooshing in the direction of a light wind. The snowflake weaves between two others, engaged in an elegant dance. The talent show judges bate their breath. There are talent show judges? Look, it’s not all literal. But I’m rooting for this little snowflake. I see it graciously cut along an arc in the sky, and I watch it perform a little flourish. It’s beautiful. The judges are preparing their “10” cards. Ira… isn’t here. Why am I thinking about Ira? The snowflake… ah. I lost it. That’s a shame. Does the snowflake know I was cheering it on? I mean, of course not, but, it’d be cute, wouldn’t it? This world is cute.
Well, I might be simple enough to care about the opinions of a single snowflake, but the blanket of snow beneath me isn’t. If the universe were really so offended by the opinions of anybody, no matter how significant… the laws of the universe will deal with that. Everything will be ironed out in time. The snow will melt.
But right now, the snow is coming down to numb my face. Right now, as the time gets closer, as I wait for Ira… as I… Huh. My face doesn’t feel cold at all. Did the universe hear me? Well, that’s not quite true, that my face isn’t cold. Yes, now that I say it, I feel a little tingling in my face. But I’d expect it to be colder, given the weather. And my heart… my heart is… am I just scared? Am I afraid of Ira? I mean, she threw a chair that one day. She… but I still somehow feel she wouldn’t hurt me. Then… oh, no! Am I afraid of hurting her? Oh, that must be it! I’ll get selfish, try to take more than I’ve earned, and I’ll… Ira will get annoyed at me, for sure. Will she throw a chair at me then? She should. Or maybe the bow compass. That’s probably better. Why… Why am I thinking about Ira attacking me with a bow compass?
Calm down, Asya. She… She probably won’t care that much. She probably won’t care about whatever I do. She’s like the universe. Beautiful. I mean, that is, well, insofar as, like, she doesn’t care that much about what somebody as insignificant as me would think. She wouldn’t care that I’ve been neglecting to write her that poem I promised to her.
…Wait. I’ve been neglecting to write her that poem! Oh no, oh, I’m an idiot! I couldn’t even do the most basic of planning! I promised her, I promised her I’d write a poem for her! As payment for… everything! All she’s done for me! Oh, look at me, the universe has given so much to me, Ira has given so much to me, and I can’t even… I couldn’t even… You ungrateful worm, Asya! You terrible, terrible, terrible—
“Hey,” Ira says.
OH Oh she’s here, she’s, and I look so—”Hi! Ira!”
“Have I come at a bad time? You look…”
“No, not at all! I’m okay!”
“If you’re not up for it right now, I can go, it’s fine—”
“Don’t go!” Oh, that sounded forceful, I should say something better. “I mean, uh, I’m ready! I’m really excited for this!”
“…Hm. That’s good. Would be a shame to have to go back to… ah, whatever. You gonna walk me to your apartment, then?”
“Um, yes! I think! I mean, if you’d prefer to go somewhere, I’d love that too, but—”
“Perfect. I was getting a bit cold.”
“Alright! Follow me!”
I already feel warm before I even reach the door of the apartment building. Something feels wrong about this. I don’t know if I’ve ever taken a friend home before. Friend? Yes, Ira’s a friend. It feels a bit weird, though. With how Ira is like. And how I’m like too. Wait, Asya, what do you mean by “how Ira is like?” Is that implying she can’t have friends? Of course she can have friends. She probably has a whole group you don’t know about, Asya. I guess I’m just surprised she’s putting up with me. She’s had all this time to decide I’m being weird or uncomfortable and strange and I am all of those things but I guess she just hasn’t noticed yet. Maybe one day she will. Definitely one day she will. I’ll be out looking for her, and she’ll notice what I’m doing, and lash out at me for creeping on her, and I won’t be able to say anything because that’s exactly what’s happening! So it’s unfair that she’s just letting me get away with it. It’s unfair that she’s been getting weirdly easier to find lately. It’s unfair that she agreed to this.
I pass Ira a glance, and she looks back at me. Inexplicably, I feel as though I can trust her with everything. Isn’t she supposed to be hurting me? She should be putting me in my place by now. But I just feel so comfortable around her. We pace up the stairs, to the place. Did I make a plan for when we get there? If I did, I can’t remember anything. I’ve been thinking about this for so long—what was I even thinking about? Well, it doesn’t particularly matter. We’re here now. I insert the key and turn.
“Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. I brought a friend, like I said.” They’re unresponsive. It’s okay. I understand. “We’re just going to hang out in the—” Wait. Where are we hanging out? I was about to say my bedroom, since that’s out of the way, but, Ira seeing my bedroom, I mean, doesn’t that sound like… No! No, Asya, you’re so… You’re so weird, Asya. You’re the only person in this city who’d think anything of two girls going to a bedroom together. It’s not like I’m taking a boy home.
Oh no. I’ve stopped in the middle of my sentence and now it’s been too long for it to sound natural. This will be hard to explain. Ira cuts in. Oh no, Ira cuts in; what’s she going to say? “I thought we would go to your room? Since it’s somewhere private.”
Yes! “Yes! That’s right. Follow me!”
Ira closes the door, because I forgot to. I’m such a bad host already. But that doesn’t matter. Ira is here. Ira is with me. The steps down the hall to the room feel like the lightest steps I’ve ever taken.
“Sorry, I didn’t really get the chance to clean it…” I say.
“Huh. It’s… so neat.”
“Wha—Really? It’s been far too long since I cleaned it and there’s so much mess in the corners and—”
“It’s not like the floor is covered in trash and cigarette butts.” Oh. She probably does live like that, huh? That’s… That’s so sad! Poor Ira is coming home each day exhausted, retreating to a room that drains her, and she falls asleep before she can gather the motivation to help herself! Oh, Ira! I’ll help you! I’ll help you clear out everything!
…She probably doesn’t see a point in it anymore, given that by the end of the year…
“Do you want to sit on the bed while I get you, uh… would you like tea?”
“Tea’s good.” She sits down. I see her slowly relax into the space. That’s cute. That’s really cute. I want to sit down next to her and get comfy with her. Ah, but, I told her I would get her some tea. I’ve been such a bad host so far, not cleaning my room, making my guest do all the work for me. I’m sorry; let me go get us some tea.
The snow doesn’t care about the snowflake. The universe wouldn’t care about the silly thoughts of mine. But that’s not to say they don’t matter. Our actions matter, obviously. So, what’s up with the world not caring? Is it just too merciful? Is it just too merciful to smite my little selfishnesses? No, it’s not right for me to question the universe’s sense of justice. What would I know?
My mind isn’t clear right now. My thoughts won’t take any coherent form. It should be like clay: I could reach into the riverbed and dig up some ideas, and I could compact them together to give them a shape. With the shape formed, I could start to add little details, carve little incisions, and build the ideas up into a beautiful piece. But right now, my thoughts are just collapsing like wet sand. I’m trying my hardest to think of something with form, but when I try to touch it, it crumbles away.
At least I can think of Ira. Ira, Ira, Ira.
“Hey, Asya.”
Ira!? “Oh! What—Hi! What are you doing here?”
“I… ugh, I just thought… I guess I just didn’t want to leave you alone.”
“Oh? That’s very sweet, Ira! I’m fine, really!”
“That’s the thing with you! You just… accept these things. Not to pry into your home life, but you even seem distanced from your parents.”
“They’re busy, hardworking people. I understand it.”
“Alright, well, I was really just worried that you’d, like, overthink what type of tea I wanted or something. And then proceed to say something stupid and self-depricating.”
I—That’s actually a really good read, if not for the fact that we’re out of most of our teas. “Oh. Well… It turns out there’s only two types left, and I didn’t think you’d like… Ah, but I should have asked.”
“See? See what I’m talking about? Why don’t you have any respect for yourself?”
“Ah—It’s—” I stumble over my words. I don’t have anything to say in response.
Ira sits down on the sofa. “I just don’t get it. Well, tell me when the tea’s done, anyway.”
“Of course.”
Ira looks so contemplative, staring outward from the sofa. I think I want to join her. Ah, but she’s probably sad because of… Then I have to join her! I sit down next to Ira. Not so close we’re touching or anything, but close enough that… close enough that it feels warm.
“Hm?”
“We’re just waiting for the water to boil, right?” I say. “So I wanted to sit down with you!”
“Ah… yeah.” There’s somewhat of an awkward pause while either of us think of things to say. “Did you, um. Read anything good?”
“Well, I wanted to check out Angelique due to your recommendation—”
“It wasn’t a recommendation or anything, it was, just, like, you know, it…” What’s this? Is Ira shy? That’s adorable. “You know, it’s okay, I guess.”
“You enjoyed reading it, didn’t you?”
“It was okay I guess! I read it for the historical… the historical stuff—Haven’t we already discussed this?”
I lean in closer to her. “What did you like most about it?”
“…You’re stupid, Asya…” Ah, she is shy! That’s cute. That’s so cute. She does care what people think of her.
Wait. She does care what people think of her! Does she? I mean, I suppose that’s not impossible. I care what people think of me. And maybe, maybe the universe… Did I have everything wrong? But if the universe cared, why haven’t I been smited yet?
No. No, I’m getting things conflated. The universe, in its great vastness, might not care, but I can, because I am tiny. And Ira… Ira is also tiny. Ira is tiny? Oh, oh that’s so cute. That’s cuter than I could have ever imagined. A tiny Ira… my heart is pouring with adoration! That’s so cute! That’s so so cute!
“Jesus, Asya, why do you look so happy? That wasn’t a compliment.” Oh. Turns out I was kicking my feet and grinning like an idiot.
“Sorry, sorry, I was just thinking about… Ah, it’s not important! The tea’s ready! I think the tea’s ready!”
“I don’t hear it.”
At that moment, the kettle begins to whistle.
“Ah, nevermind. I’m the fool, clearly.”
“I’ll go get us our tea!”
I really do retreat into my own head too often. Forgive me, I just want to take the time to appreciate this. I pour the tea into little teacups and take them over to the bedroom, where Ira is waiting. I also bring some milk and sugar cubes, in case Ira wants those. I think I’ll add some sugar myself. I’ve actually been trying to cut back a bit, but it just feels right right now.
I place the tea set down on a tiny table. Seeing Ira, I can’t get the image of a tiny Ira out of my head. Adorable. So so adorable.
Ira grabs the bag of sugar cubes and puts all four remaining sugar cubes into the tea. “Damn, is that all?” Ah… yeah, I suppose four isn’t that many. Wait, but it’s a lot for a single person! I suppose Ira’s just a lot sweeter than I realized. Oh, but that leaves no sugar for me. That’s okay.
“So…” I begin.
“If you bring up that stupid book, I’m leaving.”
“Aw, okay. Then, what do you want to talk about?”
“I don’t know… I just don’t know.”
“That’s okay. It was nice of you to check on me while I was preparing the tea!”
“You just seemed lonely. I don’t know.”
“I’m fine, really! But that’s really sweet. Nobody else checks in on me like that.”
“I can tell… you don’t even have a teddy or anything?” She stands up to look around the room, and at the bed. I don’t have a teddy.
“What? Do you?”
“…No… Of course not. I’m fifteen years old. But you’re… you’re fourteen years old.”
“Oh, does something special happen on your fifteenth birthday that makes you all grown-up?”
“Okay look. You… You said yourself you can’t hold up on your own, right? That’s all there is to it. I’m just looking out for you.”
“And why are you doing that?”
“Shut up.”
“I’m sorry!”
“…It’s a reasonable question. You’re fine.”
Ira sits down at the bed, after setting down her tea on the table. I set down my tea and join her. Our weights push into the mattress, causing it to fold and pull us inward. I certainly don’t resist.
Ah. We’re touching. Our thighs are touching. And right now it’s all I can think about. Her soft thigh on mine… my mind has gone completely blank. Ah, what’s this about? Come on, Asya, we’re just two girls. Come on, Asya, this is normal! Our hands are very close to touching, too. Which is fine! That doesn’t mean anything! Stop reading so much into things, Asya!
Ira’s hand twitches. Is she… thinking the same thing? No, of course not, Asya, because unlike you, Ira can actually think straight! Ira’s… I guess she isn’t all normal. Of course, the reason she’s been out so much, the reason she would like such a dingy room as this, the reason why I’m… so worried for her right now… it’s something I want to understand. It’s something I want to heal.
My hand moves closer to hers, as if offering. And hers moves closer to mine, as if accepting. Our hands touch. We are holding hands. Ira and I are holding hands. Now I really can’t think about anything else. I am overwhelmed by the sensation of the hand, her surprisingly delicate skin, the way her fingers interlace with mine. I am overwhelmed by the sturdy feeling of the bones in her fingers and the little twitching I can feel from them. Is she uncertain about something? I’ll listen. I’ll listen to anything you say, Ira. I’m here for you.
Ira’s… situation… it depresses me, I’ll admit. I know it’s not just some teenage rebellion. I know it’s not just that she doesn’t care. There’s something I can see in her, I can know this, I can know this; why don’t I know this? Ira… she’s… I feel like she’s a lot more like me than I’ve appreciated.
What? No. Stop it, Asya. Not everything’s about you. She’s her own person with her own life, a life much bigger and more interesting than yours. And pitiable. Pitiable because she’s about to… I know it’s going to happen but I can’t get myself to accept it. Vorkuta-5 is a very beautiful city. I would be so scared of having to leave it. And Ira…
Come on, Asya. You know the truth. Just say it.
I’m sorry, world. I can’t. I’m going to be selfish. You don’t care anyway, right? I’m going to be selfish. I’m going to hold onto her. I’m going to hold onto Ira for as long as I can. You’ll never take her from me. You can never take Ira from me.
I feel a lot softer now. I… I actually started holding Ira.
“Eh?”
I should stop. I should throw my hands back out of shame. But I’m just too selfish. It feels so good to be holding Ira—why does it feel so good to be holding Ira? I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation. Just normal human desire for kinship. Friends hug all the time. Like us! It’s normal.
Ira hugs me back. Ira is hugging me. Ira is hugging me!
“Thank you—”
“Don’t—Don’t take anything from this. I’m just doing this because… because nobody else will.”
“That’s super cute, Ira…”
“I’m not—!”
“Sorry! I didn’t mean it in a weird way or anything! It’s just, y’know, the fact that you even think I need to be held, it’s—”
“Look, it’s not like—! As I said, you say you can’t hold your own, yet you’re so lonely. It’s you who said you needed it. So I’m just giving you support. Because you said you needed it.”
“That makes me very happy, Ira.” It’s true. For Ira to go out of her way for the words of others… that must mean she cares a lot.
Ira’s hold on me tightens. I’m not even sure she’s aware it has, but it has. It’s as firm as you’d expect from Ira, yet also so tender and soft. I feel so comfortable right now. My body relaxes, and I start to lean back into a lying position. Ira’s body follows, and we rest in a warm cuddle, lying down on the bed.
It should feel so wrong. A selfish, worthless brat like me, hugging somebody as caring and multifaceted as her. And as cute… it should feel wrong that I find her so cute. We’re girls. I shouldn’t be thinking of her this way. Imagine if Garin found out about this. I can see it now. “Hah! Called it. Guess you were just too ugly for guys! Man, with Grachevskaya, too…” His teasing would never end. And he’s right. I’m being weird. I’m being so weird. I don’t like girls that way. Of course I don’t. That’d be weird. But despite all that, it doesn’t feel wrong. It almost feels like this is how it’s meant to be. Thank you. Thank you so much for this, world. Thank you thank you thank you thank you—ah, I’ll never have enough thank yous to express just how thankful I am. Because today, on the coldest day of the week, you’ve given me the warmest gift. I’ll never forget this. Thank you thank you thank you.
Ah, there’s still some snowflakes in Ira’s hair. I’m reminded of everything I thought about while waiting for her. I’m reminded of the way I traced that snowflake’s arc in the sky. I suppose it’s reached its destination by now. It’d be weird if it didn’t. I hope it scored a full 30/30 in the talent show that doesn’t exist. I’m reminded… the universe wouldn’t care all that much. Imagine Garin trying to tease the universe. That would look really silly. And it would look silly precisely because there’s no point, because the world doesn’t care. The universe wouldn’t care if I thought it was gay. For all I know, it has been.
That’s a really funny thought. That’s a hilarious thought, actually, that the world itself is gay. It’s so funny I can’t help but laugh.
“Hm? Asya?”
“Sorry, sorry. It’s just… it’s just funny.”
“What? What’s funny?”
“Ah, it’s… that you’d…”
“Again, it’s just because you said it.”
“I mean, that’s more than you’d give to the teachers.”
“Don’t tease me like that! That’s a different thing, anyway.”
“Sorry, sorry. I’m just really happy.”
“Mhm. That’s why I’m doing this. And, uh, because it’s cold. That’s the main reason. I’m just cold.” She didn’t feel cold to me.
“Alright.”
“I’m serious!”
“Okay!”
Ira lets go of me, and I almost feel sad about it. I’m glad I said my thank yous while I still had the time, then. Right, I forgot the cuddle would ever have to end. I forgot… my time with Ira will have to end.
And as if in response to that thought, she confirms as much. “Well, I’m going to have to get going now, I think.”
“Already?”
“I’ve got a busy life.”
“Aww. I wanted to help you with… Ah, nevermind. Take care…”
“…The tea was really good. Thank you.”
“Thank you!”
Ira doesn’t move. I see her hesitating, deliberating over… something.
She speaks. “I can trust you, right, Asya?”
“Huh? Yes—I mean, well, I want to be trustworthy!”
She’s silent. I wait impatiently for her to speak again. What do you want to tell me, Ira? What is it? “Alright. You look… trustable. Not enough that I’ll tell you everything, but… I’m actually… really scared.”
“Oh?”
“Of… disappearing. I’m obviously not going to be here next year. It’s… There’s something… existential that I fear.”
“It’s never too late to turn things around!”
“I mean, it is…”
“I’ll help. I’ll do anything.”
“It’s not even really about that, anyway. It’s…”
“Hm?”
“Actually, I do have to go, bye.”
Ira suddenly gets up and leaves. I notice she hasn’t even finished her tea. I ought to finish mine.
I don’t see her out. I really should have, but she’s gone now. This feels so sudden. But maybe she doesn’t want me to look for her. I get it. I just wish you’d be honest with me, Ira.
Ira… were you thinking the same things I was?
Next time we meet, we can talk about it. Whatever you were so scared of today, we can talk about it. I won’t judge you. You don’t have to worry… You don’t have to worry about what I think.
Ah. It seems each person is just so tiny that these small things can just get to us. I should be better about it, though. But I can’t. I can’t deal with what people think of me. I already can’t deal with the fact that Ira wasn’t ready to open up to me. Imagine if I were truly alone. If Garin found out about today, would he still talk to me? I’m not sure I’m ready to process these things I felt today. I should just forget about all this. I don’t know what to make of it. If I really am gay…
I’ll think more about that later. For right now, I just want to thank you, world, for letting me meet Ira again. And I want to thank you, Ira. You’ve made me a very happy girl. I really don’t deserve this. You know I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve anything. But you’ve given me so much anyway. And I want to give back. You’re cold in the snow, aren’t you? Let me catch up. Let me help you.
I can’t wait until we meet again.
Endless snowflakes beat over the outside world. I can see it all from my window. I can see Ira walking out, to the outskirts of the city. I can see the roads, coated in that soft white. I think I haven’t really understood the universe today. It’s only fundamental that people care about what everybody else thinks of them. We’re social animals. It’s just a natural need. The universe, too, cares what we think. Of course it does. The snow is an aggregate of all the snowflakes, and each one is so special that if it weren’t there, something would be lost. Wouldn’t it? Maybe not. But the universe put each snowflake there for a reason. The universe created us so we could look back at it. Because the world… The world is tiny, too. The world wants to be perceived. And molded itself to be perceived. How did I forget that? I wonder, then, is the universe trying to appease us? When I find myself wishing for something silly, and it just happens, when I find myself wishing to be saved, when I find myself wishing to bump into Ira hardest right before she’s right there… Is that the universe… listening to me? That’s so cute! That’s too adorable! But aren’t you hurting yourself this way? Trying to distort yourself to our whims… you deserve better, universe. Everybody here deserves better. Ira deserves better. But I won’t be selfish. Do what you think is best, universe. You shouldn’t care what I think so much…
…Just as long as you know I love you.