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Somebody said you got a new friend
Does she love you better than I can?
Yeah, I know it’s stupid
But I just gotta see it for myself
“Jonathan, what’s wrong?” My mom asked as she took a seat next to me on the dock. I had been sitting here staring out at the water ever since I got a text from Erica telling me Pat brought a girl home to meet the family.
“Maman, what do you do when the person you love is with someone else?” I ask her my voice cracking as my heart laid shattered in my stomach. Pat never brings a girl home to meet his family, so he must really care for this girl.
“Oh mon cher, you learn to be happy for them, even if it isn’t you that makes them happy.” She said wrapping her arm around me, giving me the comfort of a loving mother that I needed.
“How maman, when it hurts so much just knowing they are with someone else?” I say tears escaping my eyes.
“I don’t know honey, I’m sorry.” She said kissing the top of my head as I continued to cry on her shoulder. How does anyone live like this? I sat crying on my mom’s shoulder until
it got dark. “Jonny, I think you should go to him, get to know the girl, if she is right from him it might help.”
“You know who I love?” I questioned my voice sounding raw from all the crying.
“Of course I do, I’m your mother.” She said standing up. “Go to Patrick.” I nodded before sprinting off the dock so I could go buy a ticket to Buffalo.
The next afternoon I was on a plane headed to Buffalo, a place I have never been to outside of hockey. A place that I have always wanted to visit during the summer if only a certain blonde hair, blue eye boy asked, but never did. I texted Erica telling her what I was doing knowing she would understand before turning off my phone and settling in for the four hour flight.
The entire flight I was a fit of nerves, I knew I wouldn’t be able to see Patrick with anyone else, it would hurt too much. However, I also knew that if I didn’t see it for myself that the girl Pat was with actually loved him for him, I would regret it every day. The plane landed and I grabbed my bag before hailing a taxi to Pat’s place.
“Jonny, man, what are you doing here?” Pat asked taking me into a hug as soon as he opened the door.
“I needed to get away from Winnipeg for a while and I thought I could come see my best friend.” I tell him, hugging him back.
“Mi casa es su casa.” He smiled pulling out of the hug and ushering me into the house. I felt my body crave to be in his arms again but I held it together. “If I’d had known you were coming I wouldn’t have made plans for tonight, but you are welcome to come.” He told me with as he gave me the tour.
“I wouldn’t be intruding?” I asked worriedly, he was probably going on a date tonight.
“Not at all, I’m just going out to a club to meet up with a few friends” I sighed in relief, but it was too soon. “As well as my girlfriend whom I would really like you to meet.”
“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.”
“Just since the beginning of the summer, I really like her though; she is different from everyone else.” Pat said with a small smile. “I introduced Julie to my family yesterday.” My shattered heart broke even more, hearing those words out of Pat’s mouth and not just a text from Erica. It took all my will power not to break down and cry right in front of him.
“I can’t wait to meet her.” I tell him my voice cracking slightly but it doesn’t seem like Pat heard as he beamed brightly back at me.
“Great, I’ll let you clean up from the day of traveling and order out some food before we can play Mario Cart for a little bit.” He said excitedly leaving me alone in the guest suite.
I took my time and jumped in the shower where I let my tears fall. If I didn’t cry now I knew I would break down in front of Pat and I just couldn’t do it. A half hour later I was changed into club clothes, and on my way down to see Pat. “Jonny it’s about time; I thought you drowned in the shower.” Pat joked as he handed me my container of food.
“What can I say your guest shower is amazing.” I smiled at that, before opening up the container of food and seeing chicken wings.
Pat smirked at my face when I saw what was for dinner. “You’re in Buffalo in the off season it is time for you to taste what real wings taste like.” He said excitedly, I couldn’t help but smile brightly at his excitement, I loved when Pat acted this way like he had no worries in the world. “Come on try one.”
Sitting down at the table I picked up one of the wings and took a bite, moaning as I did so, it was unlike any other wings I had ever had. “Good ain’t it.” Pat said with an eyebrow waggle.
“I succumb; chicken wings in Buffalo are far more superior than anywhere else.” I say with an eye roll. Pat just smiled and we both continued eating the dinner. After we were done, we sat on Pat’s couch and played video games, something we have done a thousand times before and I could picture doing for the rest of my life because of how comfortable it is with him. Pat’s phone rang interrupting my day dream of spending the rest of my life.
“Hey babe.” Pat answered and I felt the tears burning in my eyes. “Yeah, we’ll leave now.” He said motioning me to get my shoes on. “Jonny’s here, he needed to get out of Winnipeg for a little while.” “We’ll see you soon babe.”
I’m in the corner
Watching you kiss her
Oh oh oh
And I’m right over here
Why can’t you see me?
Oh oh oh
“There she is.” Pat said happily pointing over to where there was a girl leaning up against the side of the building in a short tight dress. She was gorgeous there was no denying that, her dark brown hair hung down around her shoulders, and her bright blue eyes shown, especially when she smiled once she caught sight of Pat. “Babe” he said as soon as he got over to her, kissing her deeply.
I stood frozen in spot, as I watched the man I love kiss her. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and block out the scene that was in front of me but I physically couldn’t. So I continued to stand there watching them make out, right in front of me. It was like someone reached inside my chest and wrenched my heart out of it just to throw it to the ground and stomp on it.
I don’t know how long I stood there watching them kiss before someone yelling brought me back. “Get a room Pat.” A couple guys said, immediately I recognized them as some of Pats best friends.
“Oh we will.” He said with a wink kissing Julie one more time. I gasped as I felt my bruised and beat up heart being shoved back into my heart. “Oh Julie, I’d like you to meet my best friend and Captain, Jon, Jon this is Julie, my amazing girlfriend.” He introduced us.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you Jon, Patrick has told me so much about you.” Julie smiled at me while shaking my hand.
“It’s nice to meet you too.” I say trying my damndest to keep my voice from betraying my heart.
“Good, now you two have met.” Pat smiled pulling Julie back into him, and kissing her deeply again, stabbing my heart another time. He walked her into the club, while I walked in with his friends, who kept wolf whistling all while I kept fighting back the tears.
And I’m giving it my all
But I’m not the guy you’re taking home
Ooh ooh ooh
I keep dancing on my own
I’m just gonna dance all night
I’m all messed up, I’m so outta line
Stilettos on broken bottles
I’m spinning around in circles
And I’m giving it my all
But I’m not he guy you’re taking home
Ooh ooh ooh
Throughout the night I tried to talk to Pat, but it was like I wasn’t even on his radar anymore. When he wasn’t dancing with Julie he was cuddled up with her in the back corner of the VIP lounge. Instead of going back to the VIP lounge with the PDA couple I continued dancing on the floor, with anyone who would come up to me, I was trying to forget about Pat as I downed drink after drink.
I don’t know how long I was dancing when a girl’s stiletto broke a bottle, and the glass cut my leg. Excusing myself I went to the bathroom to clean up the blood, it wasn’t deep enough for stitches but it was the perfect excuse to get away.
Gripping the side of the sink I tried to keep myself stationary as I felt my life spinning out of control. I felt like I couldn’t breathe as I was gasping for air. The image of Julie and Pat imprinted in my mind, causing my breath harder and harder to catch. God why did I have to fall in love with the one person I could never have, and the one person that was in my life every day.
“Hey Jonny, what are you doing in here?” Pat said walking in to take a piss.
“Just getting away for a moment.” I tell him, my voice hitching as I talked.
“It’s quite busy out there tonight, eh? It’s like I haven’t even seen you at all.”
“Yeah, you seem to be having a lot of fun with Julie.” I say trying to be my normal self, and say all the right things.
“Oh, you have no idea.” Pat smirked. I’m pretty sure I do, I thought to myself. “I’ll see you out there, yeah?” I nodded my confirmation as he made his way back into the club.
“I love you.” I murmur as soon as the door shut behind him. “I wish you loved me too.”
Five minutes later I composed myself again and I was walking out of the bathroom and back onto the dance floor, where a pretty girl walked up immediately and asked for a dance. I said yes, even as my eyes searched the place for Patrick.
I keep dancing on my own
So far away, but still so near
The lights go on, the music dies
But you don’t see me standing here
I just came to say goodbye
I’m in the corner
Watching you kiss her
Oh oh oh
I’m giving it my all
But I’m not the guy you’re taking home
Ooh ooh ooh
I found Pat dancing with Julie only a few couples away, not far but it still felt like he was a million miles away from me. Even though I was dancing with this girl, my eyes never left Pat, making me feel like I was just dancing on my own, like I have done pretty much the entire night, hell my entire night.
The rest of the night Pat continued grinding up against Julie, and all I could picture was him grinding up on me. The feeling of his well-toned body was up against my own, as he whispered in my ear making me laugh. All while his hands travel up and down my body, as if he wants to get to know every curve, contour and bone in my body.
I was startled out of my fantasy when the lights of the club turned on, and the music was shut off as it was closing time. The dance floor groaned as they realized there fun night out was over now. The girl I was dancing with looked up at me hopefully, but I just shook my head no before making my way over to where Pat was kissing Julie yet again.
“Hey, I’m going to head back to your place.” I tell him giving the ok to go back to Julie’s and leave me alone for the night.
“Are you sure?” He doubled checked. I nodded before bidding both of them a goodnight and leaving the club.
Hailing down a cab I made it all the way back to Pat’s place before breaking down completely as soon as I walked in. I was able to make it upstairs but instead of going into the guest room, I went to the master suite. Walking over to the dresser I pulled a drawer open and grabbed one of Pat’s t-shirts, planning on taking it back into the guest room with me before a picture frame caught my eye.
It was the picture of the two of us, last year after we won the cup. We were both holding the cup with one had over our head while our other arms were wrapped around each other. The happiness in both of our eyes shone through. It was at this time I knew I was never going to find another person like Pat. He was everything and more that I wanted in my life partner. That entire night I couldn’t help but touch him, and he didn’t seem to mind, I thought, hoped, that he was on the same page but I was obviously so wrong.
I laid down on his bed, surrounding myself in his smell as I continued to ball my eyes out. What does Julie possibly have that I don’t? I know for a fact that Patrick is bi, so me being a guy isn’t it. Honestly it’s because I’m not good enough for anyone. Nobody wants to be with me once they get to know me. I’m too serious, at all times, my life revolves around hockey and my teammates. Plus what grown man cries on the bed of their best friend because his heart is shattered, just a loser like me.
These thoughts kept passing through my head until I finally exhausted myself from crying that I fell asleep. Curled up in the tightest ball I could be in, trying to keep myself from completely falling apart.
I keep dancing on my own
I’m in the corner watching you kiss her
Oh no
And I’m right over here
Why can’t you see me
Oh no
And I’m giving it my all
But I’m not the guy you’re taking home
Ooh ooh ooh
Waking up in the morning I felt exhausted, the little sleep I managed was disturbed by two reoccurring dreams, Pat kissing Julie, and Pat telling me how I don’t deserve his love or anyone’s. Looking at the clock I knew I had to get out of here before Pat got back home else I would do something or see something that would hurt me even more. After packing my bag, and buying a ticket for the first flight out, I wrote a note for Pat.
Dear Pat,
I’m sorry for leaving so quickly but I just couldn’t be here anymore. I lied when I told you I needed to get away from Winnipeg for a little while, what I really needed was to see you. You, my best friend, the one I tell everything too, and who I can always count on to be there for me. I can’t be here anymore because it hurts too much to see you with her.
Not because she isn’t a wonderful person, from what I saw she seems perfect for you but it just rips me to shreds to see someone make you as happy as I thought I did. Selfish, I know, but what can I say other than I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time but didn’t know how to tell you. I’m not telling you that to feel bad, I’m telling you that so you know why I need my space from you for a little bit, I need be able to get over you. But I also want you to be happy and I know Julie makes you beyond happy.
I’ll give it my all to get over you this summer so we can go back to being best friends by the time training camp hits. I already talked to management and I won’t be at the convention this summer.
I wish you all the happiness in the world, Pat. You deserve that and so much more. Train hard.
Love,
Jonny.
Taking one last look around the house that I could have pictured spending my summers with Pat, filling up all the empty rooms with kids, knowing I would probably never return here, the place where I realized I never stood a chance with the man I loved. Watching the house disappear in the back of the cab, I felt my eyes sting as I was closing one book I never wanted to close.
I keep dancing on my own
So far away but still so near
The lights come on the music dies
But you don’t see me standing here.
My mom picked me up from the airport, giving me the tightest hug I have ever received from her. “Come on Jonny, you’re staying with us right now, we don’t want you to be alone.”
“Maman,” I say my voice cracking loudly. “I need to be alone at least for a couple of days.”
“Jonny.” She said worry evident in her voice.
“I won’t do anything stupid, I promise.” I reassure her. “I just need to be with my own thoughts for a little while.” She nodded in understanding driving me to my house.
“If you need anything Jonny, just call.”
“I will Maman.” I said giving her a reassuring hug. “I love you.”
“I love you too, sweetheart.” She said kissing my cheek before climbing back into her car and driving away.
Getting inside I collapsed on my couch, just sitting and staring at my blank TV. I don’t know how long I sat there until I heard a knock on my door, which sounded like my mom checking up on me. “Maman, I’m fine, I’ll see you in a couple days.”
“Jonny.” Came Pat’s strained voice from the other side of the door. I stood up quickly and started to pace the living room, what was Pat doing here, he hated Winnipeg, and plus I told him I needed time to get over him.
“Go back to Buffalo Pat.” I said my voice cracking loudly.
“Not before I speak to you.” He said sternly. “Come on Jonny, please open up.” He begged. Knowing I couldn’t say no to Pat I walked over to the door and unlatched the lock before walking back into the living room and sitting on the couch. A few moments later I heard the door open and Pat walk in.
“So speak.” I said trying not to sound upset, it’s not his fault that he doesn’t feel the same way as me.
“Won’t you look at me?”
“I can’t right now Pat.” I murmur apologetically as I continued to stare at the coffee table legs.
“I’m sorry.” He started.
“You have nothing to be sorry for Pat, you can’t help who you love.” I interrupt him.
“Don’t interrupt me and just listen, please.” He begged, and I nodded. “I’m sorry that I lied to you.”
“When did you lie to me?” I ask my eyes snapped up to look at him, and I could see the emotional stress he was having right now.
“You promised not to interrupt me.” He said running his hand through his unruly hair. “I lied to you about Julie being my girlfriend, she’s not” I went to interrupt him again but he stopped me. “She is just a friend that has been helping me through some emotional issues I’ve been having for the past year. See I love this guy who I thought only loved me as a best friend and I didn’t know what to do any more. I got overly jealous every time I saw him dancing or flirting with anyone, I felt like he never saw me. Julie straight up told me that the guy loved me too but I didn’t believe her.” Hope started to appear in my head. “I told her that wasn’t the case, so I devised a plan to prove her wrong, as well as try to get over the man I love. She became my fake girlfriend and I brought her home to meet the family and then to meet you. Last night in the club Julie was acting up our relationship to show me how jealous you would get, and I didn’t believe her, especially when I saw you dancing with girl after girl.”
“Pat I was only dancing with them to keep my mind off you.” I tell him honestly, searching out the truth in his eyes and finding it.
“I know that now, but I was so blinded by the thought of me not being good enough for you that I didn’t see how upset I was making you.” he said kneeling down in front of me. “Jonny, I’m so sorry I hurt you and made you think I didn’t love you, because I do love you, I love you so much that it pains me when we are apart.”
“I don’t want you to be with me because of pity Pat, you deserve to be happy.”
“Jonathan Bryan Toews, I don’t love you out of pity, I know I deserve to be happy, and all my happiness comes from being around you. I love you.” He said leaning down and kissing me.
It took a couple moments for me to understand what was going on and when I did I kissed him back deeply. Needing to feel his body up against me, every touch of his felt like my heart was being pieced back together with love. Pulling back a couple of minutes later to catch our breath, I leaned my forehead against his. “I love you too.” I told him, with a yawn.
“I know that now, babe.” Pat said with a small smile. “But if you are like me right now you are bone tired from not getting any sleep last night, so why don’t we go into your room and catch some much needed sleep?”
“As long as you are there when I wake up.” I say kissing him lightly.
“Never leaving.” He said pulling me up off the couch.
We got to my room and both stripped to our boxers, once we were on the bed, I put my head on his chest and pinched him. “What was that for?” He asked sleepily.
“Just making sure this isn’t just another dream.” I murmur to him, nuzzling my head into his chest more.
“You’re supposed to pinch yourself not me.” He said before pinching my side, I yelped but smiled. “See not a dream.”
“No, it’s much better.” I say into his chest. The book I closed now reopened with no ending in the future, and with every chapter Pat and I are dancing, I was no longer dancing by myself. I was finally the one he was taking home.
Fin