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Matt Saracen’s not used to people taking care of him.
It’s one of the first things he adjusts to when he begins seeing Julie Taylor - well, that and the fact that the girl he’s been crushing on for months seems to actually like him back, and that her hair smells really good.
She’s even more caring than he would’ve predicted when he was just watching her from afar, hoping she would give him the time of day.
It starts with little things, like her taking his hand and squeezing it when they’re walking down the hallway and some idiot makes a comment about the pass he fumbled last week that “Jason Street would’ve made with his eyes closed.”
Then, there’s the way she jumps in to help him without a second thought, taking him home with her and her parents after he publicly fights with his dad in the parking lot after a game. She doesn’t even really know what’s going on with him yet, but she pulls him into her arms and her home without judgement or hesitation.
There’s her quiet understanding when he’s an hour late to meet her at the library, the way her anger fades within seconds when she walks into his house and sees him scrambling to make dinner before his dad gets home and make Grandma her tea and clean up the house all at once.
She helps in every way she can, even though they’re both teenagers who can’t control the world or their parents or much else, really. She brings him casseroles her mom made and sits with him on the porch. When she leans in to kiss him, there is no pity in her eyes - just affection.
She really just wants to make sure he’s okay, he comes to realize.
A few days later, after they’ve dropped his dad off at the bus station to be shipped back to Iraq, and after he’s just helped win the Panthers the game with a play of his own design, they’re at the after party at Garrity Motors.
It feels like the whole town is there, which isn’t unusual after a win like that.
Matt feels lighter than air for a while. He’s receiving praise everywhere he looks, from Coach and his teammates and people he’s never even met before. He gets to dance with Julie, secure in the knowledge that he doesn’t have to move to Oklahoma and he gets to keep playing on this team and seeing the most incredible girl he’s ever known.
Eventually, though, the heaviness creeps back in.
His father didn’t force him to move states, but he also didn’t even last a month back in Dillon. He’s gone, which means Grandma is fully Matt’s responsibility again.
He’s also in the playoffs now, which is great, but he’s already stretched so thin between school, shifts at the Alamo Freeze, taking care of Grandma, and regular football practice, and he can only imagine how much more Coach will be asking of him now that a State championship is on the horizon.
He has to factor Julie in now, too, whether that means asking Landry to stay with Grandma so he can take her out or picking up an extra shift so he can actually afford the dates. Somehow, though, that’s the one part of his life right now that doesn’t feel like a burden.
She makes it easier.
Like right now, when Buddy Garrity pulls him aside to tell him how brave his dad is for heading back to Iraq and fighting for their country, and Julie politely interrupts and says she needs to talk to Matt about something.
He lets her tug him by the hand until they’re outside, and the cool night air feels almost shockingly good. He didn’t realize how crowded it was in there or how overwhelmed he was until now.
Julie doesn’t let go of his hand until they’ve found a spot hidden behind a tree. He immediately misses the feeling of her touch.
“What did you wanna talk about?” he asks her.
She shakes her head and rolls her eyes a bit, an expression he’s come to know well. “I was just rescuing you from Buddy Garrity. You’ve been through enough today.”
He smiles gratefully as he leans back against the tree, looking down at his shoes.
“It’s probably for the best he’s gone,” Matt says. “I mean, he didn’t wanna be here.”
“He’s still your dad, though, Matt,” she says softly. “It’s okay to be upset.”
A few weeks ago, he probably would’ve defended his father again, found some way to excuse his actions like he always has in the past.
Now, when he says it’s for the best, he truly believes that. But it doesn’t mean that he thinks it’s right.
“Yeah,” he exhales. “It kinda sucks. Grandma was just getting used to having him around again, and it was nice to have someone here to actually help with her and not just send cheques in the mail and make a phone call once a month, but…”
He trails off as he notices her rubbing her own arms for warmth absentmindedly, her attention still completely and solely on him and not the jacket she left inside.
“It’s pretty cold-“
“No, it’s okay, we can stay out-“
Before she can finish the sentence, Matt slips off his hoodie and wraps it around her. It’s a bit awkward as he helps her put it on, and it’s pretty baggy on her, but she’s smiling at him when he pulls back.
“Thanks.”
Matt feels overwhelmed in an entirely different way all of a sudden - not by pressure to win games or by utility bills and doctor’s appointments, but by the way her hair reflects the moonlight and her eyes gleam with so much warmth.
“Thank you, Julie. For everything.”
The breath is nearly knocked out of him as she steps forward and throws her arms around him. It takes him a moment for his brain to catch up to what his body is registering, the feeling of her hands on his back and her face pressed into the crook of his neck.
Then he hugs her back just as tight, breathing her in and letting her flood his senses.
He lets himself be held by her for a few minutes, his eyes falling shut and his muscles relaxing as she gently strokes his upper back.
“Thank you,” he says again when they pull away, the only coherent thought he can muster.
Julie just smiles again and reaches down to join their hands together.
“You don’t have to thank me,” she says. “But you do have to come dance with me at least one more time.”
Matt grins, and that’s all the confirmation she needs to drag him back inside, proudly still holding his hand and wearing his hoodie.
They dance together again, this time to a slower song, and everything about it feels right. Probably because Matt knows deep down that even if he didn’t lead the team to victory tonight, or even if he was the reason they lost, she would still stand by his side just as proudly.
He’s never really felt like he belonged anywhere. His parents both abandoned him young, he never had many friends until he became QB1, and he only got that position because Jason Street got hurt.
But being here with Julie, dancing and laughing with her, he feels like he belongs.
-
It still feels surreal every time they win a game.
They won a lot last year, when Matt was a freshman who never left the bench, but that felt different. He wasn’t really contributing, he was just watching Jason Street and the other guys in awe and wondering if he would get any minutes by the time he was a junior and Street was off to college.
Now, he’s QB1 at 16, he just helped win a critical playoff game, and they’re on their way to the state semi-final.
It feels like a dream, and the only thing bringing him back down to earth is the way his body screams with pain at each bump in the road as Landry drives him and Grandma back home afterward.
The trainer told him he was going to be fine for the next game in two weeks. It’s mostly just surface-level scrapes, a mildly twisted ankle, and bruises just about everywhere. There’s also the lingering ache from using his muscles more than he’s ever used them before - in the gym, at practice, during games.
He hasn’t really had a break in months, but he knows he has to push through. They’re so close now.
He got through the post-game debrief, managed to shower and change, and made it out to the parking lot just in time to see Julie for a brief moment before she got in the car with her parents.
Of course, she couldn’t congratulate him the way he would’ve liked her to right in front of her dad’s truck, so they had to settle for a quick hug.
He politely declined several invitations to the party at Riggins’ house, wanting nothing more than his bed and some peace and quiet.
“Home sweet home,” Landry says as he pulls into their driveway.
Matt jumps out of the backseat so he can run around to the front and open the door for his grandma, wincing heavily as he does so.
“You alright, Matty?” Landry raises an eyebrow.
“I’m fine,” Matt sighs. “Thanks for the ride, man. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He gets his grandma inside and settled with her tea before finally heading to his room, shutting the door, and collapsing onto his bed. He knows he should probably clean up his face or ice his ankle or something, but he’s too exhausted to get up again right now.
He hears Grandma go to bed a few minutes later, the light shutting off in the hallway, and he relaxes a bit more.
He’s just beginning to drift off when there’s a knock on his bedroom window.
He sits up quickly and immediately regrets it, wincing at the pain in his side as he turns to the window and sees none other than Julie Taylor outside.
He scrambles over to open it, his brows furrowed.
“Julie, what are you-“
“I’m here to take care of you, obviously,” she says, although he didn’t think it was obvious at all. “You looked like hell after the game.”
“Wow, thanks,” he chuckles.
“Are you gonna let me in, or-“
He nods quickly, giving her his hand to help her climb into the window. She lands pretty gracefully, though they both freeze for a second when she grabs his desk for balance and knocks a couple of pencils over.
“Your grandma-“
“She sleeps with the fan on, it’s pretty loud,” Matt says. “We should be fine.”
Julie nods, kicking off her shoes and making herself comfortable on his bed like she’s been in here hundreds of times instead of maybe half a dozen or so.
“Your parents let you come over here?” he asks, mainly surprised since she just stopped being grounded for staying out past curfew with him the night they went to the hunting cabin.
Even if they didn’t end up actually having sex, he’s sure that them staying out until two in the morning didn’t earn him many points in the eyes of her parents.
“Not exactly,” Julie shrugs. “I asked them to drop me off at Lois’ to watch a movie. Then I walked here. I do have to be home by eleven, though.”
Part of him wants to remind her that if she gets caught, she’s probably going to be grounded even longer this time, but he’s way too happy to see her right now.
“You really came here to take care of me?” he asks quietly, settling in next to her on the bed, close enough that their shoulders brush.
“Mhm,” Julie says, reaching up to gently touch his face. Even her light touch stings a bit where the bruise is forming on his cheekbone. “I was worried about you tonight. They played rough.”
“That’s playoff football,” Matt shrugs, though his bravado is betrayed by his grimace when her thumb runs over a small cut below his eye.
“Do you have a first aid kit? And an ice pack?”
He nods. “I can get them.”
“I’ll do it,” she says softly, leaning in to kiss him on the forehead. “The first aid kit’s in the bathroom?”
“Yeah.”
She comes back a minute later, holding an ice pack wrapped in a dish towel in one hand and the white plastic box in the other.
“What hurts the most?” she asks, scanning his body.
He has to think about it for a second.
“Uh, my ankle, I guess?”
“Okay, lay down then,” Julie says. He does, propped up against the pillows on his headboard and scooting over a bit to make room for her. She gently places another pillow under his leg, placing the ice pack on his slightly swollen ankle. “That okay?”
“Yeah,” Matt breathes. “Thank you.”
She gets straight to work after that, beginning to clean the cuts on his face with an alcohol wipe.
“That stings,” he complains halfheartedly after she first makes contact with his skin.
“I know, that means it’s working,” Julie retorts. “Just hold still, okay?”
He obliges, letting her continue her careful movements and watching her as she works. She looks beautiful, almost angelic, in the soft light, and he loves the way she bites her lip slightly as she’s concentrating.
He loves her, full stop. It’s only been a few weeks since they said that for the first time, but he swears he means it more with every passing day.
When she finishes, the puts the kit on his desk and returns to his side, reaching out to comb her fingers through his hair.
“Feel better?”
“A lot better,” he says, his eyes falling shut for a moment at her touch. “Thank you, Jules. You really didn’t have to come over for this.”
“Of course I did, it’s part of my girlfriend duties,” Julie says teasingly. “And, I mean, I didn’t really get a chance to congratulate you properly.”
His stomach flutters with butterflies as she leans in to kiss him. He could never get tired of kissing her, the way her lips always taste like vanilla chapstick and her hands on him make his brain short circuit.
Things have gotten more intense between them lately, even after they decided they weren’t ready for sex. Their kisses are a little deeper, their hands wandering a little more than before.
He knows his teenage male brain is hardwired to want to be physical with her all the time, and he does, but he’s happy to just have these little moments with her. She’s clearly not ready for the next step, and he’s not sure he is, either - he’s still getting used to the way his heart skips when her hand skims his thigh or her breasts press against his chest.
They kiss for minutes that could’ve stretched into hours, completely wrapped up in one another, until his side begins to ache when she puts pressure on it and he winces again.
“Sorry,” Julie murmurs, breaking the kiss and resting her forehead against his. “You okay?”
“Better than okay,” he assures her, pecking her lips that are slightly pinker than usual from kissing him so hard. “What time is it?”
She glances at the alarm clock next to his bed. “Almost ten. I can stay a little bit longer, if you want.”
“Yeah, please,” Matt says, a slight bit of desperation in his tone that he can’t bring himself to be ashamed of.
Julie smiles and lies down next to him, curling into his side. She carefully wraps an arm around him and places her head on his chest, and he slides his own arm around her to pull her closer.
Once they’re fully settled, Matt pulls a blanket over them and Julie lets out a sigh of contentment, nuzzling her nose into his neck for a moment.
He’s sure he’s never felt happier or more relaxed than he does right now.
Something has shifted between them ever since she forgave him for his stupid hot tub incident, agreed to be his girlfriend, and then said those three words back to him and made his world tilt on its axis.
There’s still a bit of awkwardness and uncertainty, like he’s sure there would be in any first relationship, but they’re much more comfortable with each other now. He doesn’t hesitate to take her hand in the hallway or wrap his arm around her at a party, and she proudly kisses him after games and calls him “just to hear his voice” before bed.
Somewhere in between all the stuff with his family, the growing pressure of being QB1, and the regular anxieties and stresses of being a teenager, she has become his sanctuary.
“I love you,” he whispers into her hair, his eyes closed as he breathes her in.
Julie looks up at him with a smile on her face that’s brighter than the sun, the moon, and all the stars - that’s the kind of Shakespearean crap he thinks lately, ever since he’s fallen for her.
“I love you too, Matty.”
She kisses him again and he can’t resist tangling his fingers in her hair, pulling her impossibly closer.
When they pull apart again and she snuggles back into his arms, he exhales.
Being with her like this feels easier than breathing. It’s almost like the feeling he gets when he’s lost in his art, or a really good song, or when he throws the perfect spiral - but so much better, somehow.
He can’t believe his luck.
-
It’s one of the worst moments of his life, seeing his grandmother on the ground like that.
He immediately snaps into action, comforting her and telling Shelby to call 9-1-1, but his heart is racing and he’s completely terrified that something is really wrong with her and it’s all his fault.
He rides with her in the ambulance, holding her hand and trying to keep her calm while she yells at the EMTs and asks him repeatedly where she is and what’s happening.
He doesn’t relax even after she’s taken away by medical professionals that assure him she’s going to be okay. All he can do is pace the waiting room, refusing to sit or talk to Shelby or do anything until he knows his grandma is safe.
And a couple hours later, when she’s safely tucked in bed at home and Matt knows she’s going to be fine physically, he doesn’t feel much better.
He feels like he failed her. Just like he’s going to keep failing her if he goes to college next year and forces her to move into some place where she doesn’t know anyone, leaving her scared and confused and alone.
After he’s checked on her a few times, making sure she’s still asleep - as she will continue to be for hours, probably, given the exertion of the day and the pain medication they gave her - he slowly makes his way out to the living room.
Shelby is sitting on the couch, staring a book that she doesn’t seem to really be reading. She looks up when he walks in, but she doesn’t say anything - he can’t blame her, really, after the way he bit her head off in the hospital.
He knows it’s not her fault that Grandma is sick. He doesn’t even really blame her anymore for not being around all these years - that’s another thing to add to the pile of stuff he can thank his dad for. She’s trying her best to be a good mother to him now, a good caretaker to Lorraine. He also knows that she just wants him to go to college and have a future beyond this town.
But she still doesn’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation for him, that he can’t just abandon the one person who’s never abandoned him. He can’t. He won’t.
“I, uh-I think I’m gonna go to Julie’s for a bit,” he says after a minute, grabbing his hoodie from the back of a chair and throwing it on. “I don’t really think Grandma will wake up for a while, but can you call me if she does?”
“Of course,” Shelby says gently, no bitterness in her tone. “You have a nice time with Julie. Do you need a ride?”
“No, thanks, I - I could use the walk.”
Shelby nods. “Okay. Just call if you need anything.”
Matt knows he should apologize to her, but he can’t muster the energy right now - or the strength to admit he was probably wrong, since that would mean admitting the one thing he’s in complete denial about.
Right now, he just really needs to see Julie, who’s basically been his saving grace lately.
The cold-for-Texas air hits him as he walks briskly on the familiar path from his house to the Taylors’, one that he really missed taking up until recently.
The past year was tough.
Ever since Julie dumped him at the beginning of last school year, everything felt off-kilter. He’s since come to understand that her actions had very little to do with him and their relationship and a lot more to do with her life and family changing so much and her not knowing how to cope with it.
He’s forgiven her for all of it - he actually forgave her a long time before they got back together, before they even started being friends again.
But that doesn’t mean it didn’t still hurt like hell at the time, making him question his worth and his belief in love all at once.
And then Carlotta happened, another girl who he cared about - albeit not to the same extent as Julie, if that’s even possible - who left him.
He had higher hopes for this school year, knowing he could at least focus on making the best of his senior season and trying to get a scholarship and get into a decent school. Those hopes were quickly dashed when he got replaced as QB1 by a freshman.
The bright spot of the past few months has, unquestionably, been rekindling things with Julie.
Part of him was afraid to let her in again, but he didn’t stand a chance once they started hanging out again as friends. She broke down his walls just as easily as she did the first time.
It was only a matter of time before they couldn’t resist the tension anymore, the magnetic pull between them. That night at the lake - kissing her for the first time in over a year, making love to her for the first time - was probably the best of his life.
It’s felt a bit like picking up where they left off, but there’s also something different now. She’s different - more mature, more self-aware.
Their relationship is different this time around, too. Not just the fact that they’re having sex now - which is so amazing he can’t believe he’s not dreaming sometimes - but also because they’re so much more comfortable with each other.
Having her back in his life has felt like a breath of fresh air, and he’s particularly grateful for her at times like this, when the world feels unsteady.
As he approaches the Taylor house, he’s relieved to see that both Coach and Mrs. Taylor’s cars aren’t there. He’s briefly worried that Julie won’t be here, either, as he hasn’t talked to her since this morning and he’s not sure what her plans were for today.
Thank god, she opens the door just seconds after he knocks on it.
She looks adorable, wearing his Panthers hoodie that she’s been stealing frequently these days and little cotton pyjama shorts. Her hair is thrown up in a messy ponytail. The way her face lights up when she sees him makes his heart skip.
“Hey,” she grins, her smile faltering quickly when she reads his expression. “Are you okay?”
“I, uh…are your parents home?”
“No, they’re at a booster meeting and then they both have errands to run, they won’t be back for a while,” she says, gesturing for him to come inside. “I’m watching Gracie, but she’s napping.”
Matt nods, stepping into the living room as she closes the door behind him.
“Matt, is something wrong? You look-“
“We had to take Grandma to the hospital today,” he blurts out. “Shelby was - she was taking her to the doctor and then Grandma got confused and she tried to get out of the car and she - she just fell out onto the driveway.“
“Oh my god,” Julie gasps, her eyes wide. “Is she okay?”
“She fine now, just some bruises and scrapes, but we had to call an ambulance and she was so disoriented and-it was awful.”
Julie doesn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around him in a tight hug.
“I’m so sorry,” she murmurs, stroking his upper back. “That must’ve been so scary for her. And for you.”
He buries his face in her shoulder, letting her hold him silently until he can feel his blood pressure dropping and his mind easing a little bit.
“Let’s go sit down,” she says after a minute or two. “Do you want anything to drink? Or to eat?”
Matt shakes his head. He is a bit hungry, to be honest, but he would rather have her close right now than go make him a snack.
She leads him to the couch, and they sit side-by-side, her curled toward him with her legs tucked behind her.
“The doctors think she shouldn’t be living at home anymore,” he says after they’ve sat in comfortable silence for another few moments. “They were talking about putting her in some assisted living place, and Shelby agreed with them, but I - I said there’s no way in hell I’m moving her into one of those places.”
Julie pauses for a moment, processing. If she has her own opinion about that, she doesn’t voice it right now, which he appreciates.
He already knows the facts. He knows part of him is being irrational. He’s just not ready to confront that yet.
“I’m sure you and Shelby will figure something out,” she says softly, reaching out to grab his hand and tangle their fingers together. “You don’t have to do anything right away.”
Matt just shakes his head, and he can feel unshed tears building in his eyes.
“I can’t leave her somewhere like that,” he says. “She’s already said she doesn’t want be going away to college. How am I supposed to just abandon her in some facility with people she doesn’t know?”
“Matt, you’ve done so much for her,” Julie says firmly, but still with some caution. “I know that she knows that, and she knows how much you love her. I’m sure it’s hard for her to think about you leaving, but eventually-“
“I can’t leave her,” Matt reiterates. “She’s never left me. She’s the only person who’s never left me.”
He doesn’t realize how his words might come across until Julie’s hand tenses in his and he sees a flash of guilt on her face.
“That’s not what I-“
“I know,” Julie cuts him off, squeezing his hand again. “It’s okay. I know what you mean. And you’re right, but…you need to think about what’s best for both her and yourself in the long term.”
Him potentially leaving next year isn’t a subject they’ve talked about much, either - probably because he’s in just as much denial about having to leave her if he gets into college somewhere far. It’s been looming over them lately, though, whenever Tyra’s talking about college applications at lunch or her mom asks him a question about his top school choices.
“Hey,” Julie says, lifting her hand to cup his cheek. He leans into it instinctively. “It’s gonna be okay. Whatever happens, we’ll make it work.”
He’s not sure if she’s just talking about his grandma anymore, or the concept of him leaving Dillon overall, but he can’t help feeling reassured by her soothing presence and calming words.
He grabs her hand that rests on his face and turns it to press a kiss to her palm.
“How long until you have to be back?” she asks.
“I wanna be there when she wakes up,” Matt says. “Maybe an hour or so.”
Julie nods, grabbing the TV remote and flipping through the channels until they land on an episode of How I Met Your Mother. She doesn’t like that show very much, but he does.
She disappears into the kitchen for a few minutes and comes back with two Cokes and a sandwich, which she wordlessly passes to him.
“Thank you,” Matt says, realizing he hasn’t actually eaten yet today.
Julie just smiles and squeezes his leg, sitting next to him and pretending to be engrossed in the show while he eats. As soon as he’s done, he leans into her, his head resting on her shoulder.
“I love you,” he says.
She presses a kiss to his forehead and then clasps their hands together again, silently grounding him and making him feel better with every touch.
“I love you too,” she whispers. “Just relax. I’ll wake you up in an hour.”
He falls asleep easier than he has in weeks.
-
His hands are red and bloody by the time he’s done burying his own father.
He knows he should stop when he feels them begin to sting, when he sees his own blood on the shovel, but he can’t. He forces himself to keep going, as if the action of covering the casket with dirt will somehow bring him some kind of immediate closure.
The only thing that finally forces him to stop is Julie physically taking the shovel away from him and tossing it on the ground, her eyes full of tears.
That snaps him out of it right away - he can’t cause her any more distress. He already feels terrible about the way he showed up at her house last night, a drunken mess, and then ran out on dinner like that.
“Matt,” she says, her voice trembling slightly. “You’re bleeding. Let me help you, okay?”
He knows better than to argue with that. She’s actually done nothing but help him since they found out his father was killed in Iraq, from the moment she broke the news to him until now.
He could tell she’s been trying not to hover too much, but she’s maintained a steady presence - bringing over food that her mom made, texting him more than normal to check in, watching Transformers with him and Landry and just cuddling close to him instead of complaining about how bad it is.
Both at the wake yesterday and the service today, she’s kept him upright, helping him dodge conversations about how brave his father was or squeezing his hand when he looks like he’s going to break down.
“I’m sorry,” Matt murmurs. It’s all he can think to say to her right now.
“Don’t be sorry, it’s okay,” she says soothingly, her hand on his back. “You still have that first aid kit I gave you for emergencies in your car, right? I can help you get cleaned up before we go home.”
He just nods, letting her usher him back toward his car. Her parents kindly offered to take Grandma and Shelby back to the house, which he’s sure is already full of people once again, so he could have a bit of time to decompress with just Julie. He refused to let his grandma, who just lost her son and is hanging on by a thread, see him like this, but the dam broke the moment they were gone.
She takes his keys out of his pocket to unlock the trunk of his car, and gently pushes him down to sit on the ledge before rummaging around in the backseat for the first aid kit.
She gave it to him the week he bought the car, saying something about how “it’s always better to be prepared.” Ironically, nothing could have prepared him for this.
She sits down next to him and gets to work on cleaning and disinfecting the small cuts and scrapes on his hands. He feels a bit of deja vu to all the times she took care of him like this after games - moments he came to treasure so much that even when he got hurt, he found himself subconsciously looking forward to what would come later.
She’s been there for him so many times and in so many ways over the past few years that he’s lost count. She’s shown him what love feels like, what it means to be close to someone like this and know you can depend on them.
Matt has been aching to get out of Dillon ever since graduation - even more so now, after everything this week. He’s slowly come to terms with the fact that his grandma would be okay without him, now that she’s so much more trusting of Shelby. He can still go to Chicago, where his deferred acceptance at the Art Institute is still waiting for him. The huge amount of money they’ll be getting from the military as a result of his father’s death makes all of that even more possible.
There’s just one problem - Julie. Leaving town means leaving her.
“This is gonna sting, sorry,” she murmurs as she carefully presses the hydrogen peroxide wipe against his skin. He winces but still doesn’t speak. “Almost done.”
She’s so careful as she wraps his hand in gauze, making sure it’s tight but not too tight. So gentle with him as she pauses to examine her work and then brings his hand to her lips to kiss his knuckles.
“Thank you,” he exhales.
“Of course,” she says, giving him a small smile. “Do you want to head back now, or we can stay here for a bit?”
He hesitates for a moment, trying to wrap his head around the many different emotions he’s feeling right now - grief, anger, fear, love.
His brain keeps replaying the horrific image of his father’s body in the casket, completely unrecognizable due to the impact of the explosion.
“I went to see him last night,” he says abruptly. “That’s why when I got to your house I was so…we had been drinking, and then we went to the funeral home and the guy warned me not to, because - you know - but-“
Because he stepped on an IED. Meaning that when Matt said last night that his dad didn’t even have a face anymore, he wasn’t guessing.
Julie’s face falls, his lip quivering once more.
“Oh, Matty-“
She doesn’t have the chance to finish the thought before he suddenly collapses into her, his face buried in her shoulder and his hands desperately reaching for her.
She immediately wraps her arms around him, one hand sliding around his middle and the other gently carding through his hair.
He can’t help the choked sob that leaves his throat as he finally unravels in her embrace.
“It’s okay,” she whispers, pressing kisses to his hair. “I’m here, I’ve got you.”
“I hate him,” he blurts out, just like last night. “I know I should forgive him, but I-I just-“
“You don’t have to,” she replies. “Everything he did doesn’t go away just because he’s gone. And maybe you will forgive him someday, but if you do, it should be for you. Not for him.”
When they pull back, Matt rests his forehead against hers for a second and closes his eyes.
“He wasn’t all bad,” he says after a while. “I mean, he was a bad father, but he served our country and he-he never complained about it and…”
It’s basically an unfiltered version of his eulogy, which was just about the nicest thing he could think to say about his father - but even in private, Matt’s determined to find some good in his dad. He wasn’t evil, he just wasn’t cut out to be a husband or a parent.
“And he helped make you,” Julie adds, nudging his shoulder and smiling softly. “That’s his greatest contribution to society, if you ask me.”
Matt smiles, probably the first genuine one since they got the call. That’s the effect Julie has on him.
“Do you want to go back?” she asks. “I can drive.”
“Not yet,” he breathes. “Soon. I don’t wanna leave Grandma too long with a house full of people. I just…need a few more minutes.”
“Okay,” she says, kissing his jaw. “Whatever you need.”
He wraps his arm around her, pulling her closer and choosing to focus on her and her touch and scent and the warmth of her body against his.
He knows he will get through this loss. He’ll wake up one day and it won’t make his heart ache so much or his head hurt trying to reconcile the person his father was with the person Matt wanted him to be.
But he can’t lose her, too. He loves her too much.
And if that means staying in Dillon…that’s just what he’ll have to do.
-
Matt gets used to being on his own again, eventually.
It’s hard at first. He’s happy to be in Chicago, to not be in Texas. His days are full of working on his art and shifts at the gallery he got a job at and going for coffee with cool people with interesting lives.
But the nights are difficult. He lays in bed, alone in his studio apartment, listening to the sound of traffic and looking at pictures of Julie, missing her so badly it feels like someone has physically ripped his heart out of his body.
He misses her more than he has a right to, considering he was the one that chose to leave. He knows that if he hadn’t made that choice, he would still be with her in Dillon. And maybe he wouldn’t be happy in any other aspect of his life, but god, sometimes the thought of just kissing her, holding her, laughing with her again is almost enough to make that seem worth it.
He can’t even call her for a long time, no matter how badly he wants to hear her voice or give her more explanation as to why he left. He knows the moment he does, he’ll lose all willpower and drive straight back to her, and he can’t do that. It was hard enough to come here the first time and start over in a place where he doesn’t know anyone. He’s not sure he would have the courage to do that again.
The first time he does call her, hearing her voice tremble as she tells him how he broke her heart when he left nearly snaps his own in half.
After Thanksgiving, when Julie forgives him for leaving in the abrupt way he did but also tells him she can’t come to Chicago - that they can’t be together - he hopes to find some kind of closure.
In some ways, he does.
He starts classes at SAIC, and they’re better than he ever could’ve dreamed of when he was sketching in his bedroom all those years. He makes more friends and forces himself to go to every party or gallery opening or dinner that he’s invited to. He calls his grandma or his mom or Landry when he’s homesick, and it usually makes him feel better for a while.
It’s not the same, though. Nothing will ever be the same as what he had with Julie.
The very few dates he goes on in the year following their breakup confirm that. He goes through the motions, he tries to open himself up to the possibility of another relationship, but it never works. None of them are her, and he doesn’t call any of them for a second date - though, to be fair, most don’t call him, either. He figures his emotional unavailability must be pretty obvious.
He’s back to a life of being…not alone, necessarily, but lonely. Just like he was in Dillon before her, or during their first breakup, even when he was dating Carlotta or Lauren.
It hits hardest when he has a bad dream about his dad, or he has a phone call with Grandma and she doesn’t know who he is, or he has a crazy day - good or bad - and only wants to talk to one person about it.
Then, out of the blue, it feels like all his prayers have been answered and dreams have come true in one fell swoop.
Julie Taylor is standing at his door.
It’s certainly not perfect in terms of the logistics and facts of the situation. She still goes to school in Burleson, and she just got out of a messy affair with her TA that fills Matt with unbridled jealousy that he has no right feeling and tries very hard to conceal.
In terms of how it feels being back with her, though, he can’t imagine anything more perfect. He gets to show his city, his new world, to the girl he loves.
It’s almost laughable to him when she says she doesn’t fit in his world anymore, considering she’s the one thing that’s been missing from it. Now that she’s here, it feels like his life is complete.
He’s so certain of it that he spends the next month thinking of the best way to prove to her how serious he is about them and their love. It broke his heart seeing her so unsure of her future, of their future, and he’s determined to keep his final promise to her before she left: “It will be okay. We’ll figure this out.”
He comes up with only one answer.
He asks her to marry him, and by some miracle, she says yes.
Six months later, she’s finished the semester in Burelson, packed her life into her little car, and driven up to Chicago to move in with him. She’ll be starting classes there in the fall, but for the summer, they get to spend all their time devoted to each other and falling back into a new rhythm once again. It’s perfect.
About a month into her living there, Matt has to work late at the gallery.
He’s continuing to work part time there through the summer, and he’s grateful for the steady income as a student. He didn’t mind the long, late-night shifts so much before Julie got here, but now that she has, it feels much harder to drag himself out the door. He just wants to be with her all the time.
He doesn’t get home until almost ten, and he’s exhausted when he finally walks through the door and drops his bag.
“Hey there, handsome.”
Julie is sitting on the couch in front of the TV, which is currently turned off. She has music playing softly from her speaker, something acoustic and familiar. She’s wearing his t-shirt and her underwear and drinking a cold beer, trying to stave off the July heat.
She’s such a sight for sore eyes that he could nearly burst into tears of joy.
“Hey, babe,” Matt grins, walking straight over to kiss her. “Missed you today.”
“I missed you more,” Julie sighs, grabbing his shirt to pull him in for one more kiss before she lets him go.
He steps into their bedroom area to quickly to remove his button-up shirt and pants, so he’s also in nothing but a white t-shirt and boxers, but his eyes don’t leave her.
“How was your day?”
“It was pretty good,” she says with a smile. “I found a local bookstore that was hiring, so I brought over my resume and they scheduled me for an interview next week. It’s a really cute place, just a few stops a way on the L.”
“Julie, that’s great!” He can’t resist walking right over to kiss her again on his way to the fridge. “Look at you, becoming a big city girl and taking the train to job interviews.”
Julie rolls her eyes fondly, but she does look pretty proud of herself, too.
Matt was a bit worried about her moving here just for him, not wanting her to end up regretting it down the line, so he’s incredibly relieved that it seems to be a good fit for her so far. She’s already making friends, finding a job, preparing for a new semester at her new school.
In hindsight, he shouldn’t be surprised. She’s her father’s daughter - and her mother’s daughter, for that matter - through and through. When she sets her mind on something, she makes it work. And he’s very fortunate that she happened to set her mind on making it work with him.
He grabs himself a beer, too, before joining her on the couch. It almost makes him laugh for a moment at how much this feels like something out of his sixteen year old self’s fantasies - sitting on the couch with Julie Taylor, in the apartment they share, drinking beer and kissing in their underwear.
“You look tired,” Julie says, nudging his leg with her foot. “Long day today?”
It’s such a simple question, but it catches him off guard for a minute. There were so many nights when they were apart that he missed this so much, the way she quietly reads him and takes care of him. The way she knows him well enough to know what he needs before he knows it himself.
“Yeah, kinda,” he says, sipping his beer before setting it down on the coffee table. “We were working on that new installation for, like, four hours, and then the artist came and he wasn’t happy with the positioning and stuff so we had to do it all over again. I’m pretty wiped.”
She nods sympathetically, putting down her own drink and gesturing for him to come closer.
“C’mere.”
He doesn’t have to be asked twice, shifting down the couch until he’s wrapped up in her arms, his head resting on her chest.
Her fingers card through his hair, and he sighs in contentment as all the stress of the day fades and he can focus on only her.
“Thank you,” he murmurs against her skin.
Her hand stills in his hair. “For what?”
“For everything,” Matt says simply. “Moving here, agreeing to marry me, being you.”
Her cheeks go a bit red, and he’s happy he still has the ability to make her blush after all these years.
“You’re cheesy tonight, Matthew,” she smiles, holding him a bit tighter. “You’re lucky I love you too much to care.”
He is lucky she loves him. He might actually be the luckiest man alive, considering he gets to come home to this everyday for the rest of their life.
He knows it won’t always be this picture-perfect, that they’ll fight and things might be difficult sometimes and every marriage requires hard work and compromise.
But he also knows that he gets to spend his life with the girl he’s been in love with since he was sixteen, the girl who has always taken care of him and always will.
He couldn’t ask for anything more.