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The water is cold. That's the first thought that crossed Zuriel's mind as he sat on the side of the lake, submerging his feet ever so slightly, as a test. A shiver traveled through his body from the contact all the way to the ends of his hair, clenching his teeth slightly at the sensation. He held them there, convincing themself that it would somehow make the freezing water in the moonlight any less painful. Soon enough, he stepped forwards, the water reaching the top of his torso. The damp clothing stuck to the side of his legs in a way that made him want to vomit. But he had to do this, right?
Why did they have to do this? They knew more than anyone that swimming in a cold lake wouldn't fix any of his problems, or clean him from any of his shame. However, maybe it could help him wash away the thoughts, as stupid as that sounded. Wash away Aradia's voice taunting him, calling him nicknames like "Sweet Prince" that she knew made him feel disgusted, her sword plunging into their skin as her yells echoed, the snap of the totem. Wash away the possible magic that surged through him from... whatever the hell Ophelia had done to him, her footsteps as she ran away, the trembling of his hands as he realizes just how much could've gone wrong. Wash away the words from the Journals in Quirinal, how that curious man was so similar to them, how as much as they blame magic, they deep down fear how it could be them next. Wash it all away, in the coldness of the lake that now reached his neck.
It made his injuries sting, he was sure that the lake water was probably dirty. But he was not concerned about a possible infection; in fact, maybe it was a little deserved. Regardless, he shivered in the water as he sunk further and further, until he was covered whole. Their eyes shut and their breath held, he prayed to the Great One in his mind for forgiveness. They had disappointed Him once more, as they had all those years ago.
"Great One, Master of Time, please forgive me for my tampering. Magic should have never crossed my life, and for that I am sorry. I promise it won't happen again, for your say is divine. If I can help it, I'll never cross paths with magic again. So please, I hope you find it in your divine will to forgive me and cleanse me." he spoke in his head, hands tightly clutched around his clock, it's ticking silenced by the water.
The lake pressed against him; or maybe it was a figment of his imagination. It pressed closer and closer, invisible to the outside how his salty tears mixed with fresh water. The pressure felt like a bittersweet embrace, almost comforting. Emphasis on the almost. He stayed underwater until he ran out of air, maybe a little more.
Zuriel gasped loudly as he pulled out of the lake, the moonlight warm on his skin. His clothing now more itchy than before, or maybe it was his injuries? It's gotten hard to tell. When you get enough injuries, you start becoming deaf to your body. Often, it's hard to know what exactly is going on. Their eyes drifted back down at his clock for distraction, it's ticking loud and judging. What would his father say if he saw him like this? Probably some long talk about how he was embarrassed to have them and his son. A few words on the Great One, bring up his falter in faith, mention his mistakes and lack of 'divine manliness', some other words. Without even realizing it, Zuriel wrapped himself up in their mind again. Was his shaking from the cold or a side effect of quietly sobbing? Hell if he knew, all he knew is that he felt awful and scared.
"Zuriel?!" a familiar voice snapped him out of his mind.
Their eyes snapped upwards to find a worried Briar looming from the shore, both hands firmly gripped onto his cane. "What are you doing in the water?"
"I- uh-" Zuriel stumbled over his words, trying to come up with a reasonable explanation, yet his mind drew a blank.
"Get out of there! You're gonna get your wounds infected, or get hypothermia, or worse." Briar extended his cane towards Zuriel, the hook facing them.
Hesitant, Zuriel grabbed onto it, looking away. Briar pulled him out of the lake, gently helping him stand up. "Did you fall in?"
They used Briar as support, holding onto their coat to stand up. As he did, he practically stumbled onto the other's shoulder. With a light push on Briar's chest, he managed to get himself to stand up straight and face him. They could feel the guilt pulling at their heart strings at Briar's worry. Poor Briar, he was always picking up Zuriel's broken pieces. He wished he wasn't as prone to dire situations as he already was. He's so tired of being so scared.
"Something like that?" Zuriel answered quietly
They could practically feel Briar's squint through his mask, as if he was considering whether or not to continue down this line of questioning. It got an anxious chuckle out of Zuriel, which helped ease Briar a little. He chose not to pursue further.
"Let's just get you to my office, okay? We can talk about that later" he assured softly, offering Zuriel a shoulder. "...If you want to."
They quietly nodded at the offer and leaned onto his shoulder. His injuries were burning a lot more now, feeling like needles piercing his skin. He winced at the first step, yet tried to mask it as best as he could. Not that it was enough to hide it from Briar, who shot him a worried look. Zuriel hated being such an inconvenience.
Step by step, they worked their way to Briar's new office he had built. The second they got in, their skin got bathed in the warmth of the torches. It helped ease the shaking a little, at least. Zuriel sat down at the bed, with Briar's help.
"...Can you?" Briar asked quietly, signaling at Zuriel's shirt. Right, he needed to be able to look at the injuries. Their face burned ever so slightly red.
"Oh- yeah. Yeah, sorry." Zuriel mumbled as a response, taking off his shirt.
Briar gave them a tiny nod before getting his hands to work at undoing the bandages. "These bandages definitely need changing." he muttered under his breath.
The room was filled with silence as Zuriel avoided eye-contact with Briar, and Briar tried to focus only on the injuries. That silence quickly became deafeningly loud, the pressure crushing the both of them until one of them talked. That one happened to be Zuriel.
"...I like what you did with this place, by the way. I hadn't seen it 'til now." they softly commented, fidgeting with their clock. "It's very nice."
"Thank you" the answer was genuine, but there was a hint of stress underlying it.
The silence reigned once more as the two of them ran out of things to say, at least relevant things to say that weren't addressing the elephant in the room. And it kept going. And going. Until Zuriel decided to talk again.
"I'm sorry." he blurted out, suddenly, clutched their clock tighter. "I'm sorry it always ends up with you patching me up. It's not fair to you."
"Zuriel" Briar began, tilting his head upwards to look at them. "You don't need to apologize, it's okay. I like helping you, and it's my job to patch people up."
"I still feel bad about it. I'm sorry." they insist.
"Zuriel, really, it's okay. I care about you, I like doing this for you" Briar's eyes slowly scanned his torso, following along with his finger, as he took a closer look at each ones of the healing injuries on there. While they couldn't see it, behind his mask there was a bit of a hurt expression. "I... do wish you were a bit more... careful. With your injuries. And yourself." He pulled away slightly, looking back up at Zuriel. "Also, I see no sign of infection, but I'm going to disinfect them just in case. It's going to sting a bit."
They nod a bit in response, then continue talking. "I am trying, I really am—" their breathing momentarily hitched at the alcohol. "—trying. It's hard when there's so much happening. I'm sorry."
"I know, I understand just... I wish you valued your life a little more, Zuriel. You matter a lot to m-... a lot of people." he stumbled over his words.
"Valued your life". Those words echoed in their mind. "Why shouldn't I kill you?" "What's your reason to live?"Questions with no answer that weighed on him. Something about thinking about his reason to live made their heart sink. Should he have one? Why couldn't he think of one? Why couldn't he think about what gave him value? Why couldn't they put value on their own life? He began fidgeting with the clock again, the coldness of the gold attempting to give him some comfort, which it didn't. The pain from the pressure and the alcohol were definitely not making it any better. That was until, well, it stopped.
"Zuriel?" Briar quietly called to their attention.
"Hm?" he answered, looking back down at Briar.
"You're shaking. Are you okay?" he asked, grabbing a bandage in his hand.
"Oh-" Zuriel looked down at his body, noticing how visible the shaking was now, then looked back at Briar. "Oh, yeah, I am. Sorry." he smiled awkwardly.
"What? Don't be sorry for shaking. You're fine." he responded almost bluntly. "You don't need to apologize for that." His hands guided Zuriel to raise his arms slightly. "I'm just worried."
"Right- Sor-..." they cut themself off. "Right." they repeated instead.
Briar began wrapping the bandages around Zuriel's torso; careful, with steady hands. "You know, if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here."
"Yeah, I know" they answered sincerely "Thank you, Briar, seriously. You've been nothing but kind to me and I really, really appreciate it. I don't think I say how much I appreciate you enough. I do, you mean a lot to me and I appreciate you"
"...I appreciate you too" Briar said flustered, then finished tightening the bandages on them. "I hope one day you actually take me up on the offer"
"I will one day. I promise."
There's a silence as the two of them stared at each other, entranced by their mutual company. Because it's all they needed in that moment: each other. That is, until Briar's eyes drifted downwards.
"Youcanputonyourshirtalready" Briar jolted, averting his gaze. Zuriel's face turned bright red.
"OH, FUCK, YEAH, SORRY-" he blurted out before scrambling to put on his shirt. He clears his throat and speaks again. "Let's get back to bed, I'm sure the Great one has a lot in store for us later."
"Sure. Right. Yeah." Briar responded quickly.
Neither of them had a good rest that night.