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Chan’s room was finally quiet after hours of screaming and music playing. Empty bottles of alcohol and soft sodas were lying on the different surfaces of the room, his friends knocked down on the floor or the couch or even the bed. Exhaustion had taken its toll from them. Jisung was not different, he was on the floor, his back against the couch, Hyunjin’s arm falling down over his shoulder. He needed to go back to his room, he wanted to sleep on the bed, not here even if it felt really good right now. Something recalled him that he would regret it the following morning. He glanced at Minho, on the other couch, his left leg carefully put out of the way of being knocked out by accident. Jisung’s chest tightened. Since they left the award show, Jisung hadn’t talk or touch Minho. First, as Chan’s was helping to carry him, he got with Chan in his car, while Jisung ended up with Changbin. Then, during the whole night, each time he tried to stay by his side, he walked away. He didn’t understand what happened.
“I’m out.” Minho finally blurted out in the silence.
Only mumbles answered him as he got back on his feet and walked out the room. Without missing the chance, Jisung imitated him but he had to get rid of Hyunjin’s arm, which slowed him so much that his hyung was already in the hallway when he stood by himself in the living room. He launched a ‘Bye’ without checking if anyone heard it. He rushed outside and, luckily, found easily Minho as he was limping back to their room.
“Hyung, wait for me!” He called but Minho didn’t acknowledge or slowed down.
Jisung noticed his limping was heavier than before the show. He ran to him, put his arm under Minho’s arm but he got pushed back.
“What?” Jisung was taken aback.
Minho took advantage of it and put some distance between them that Jisung quickly filled by running one more time. He reached him again as he was entering their room, he followed him inside, closed the door behind him. He heard a hurt and relieved sigh as he supposed Minho was lying finally on their bed.
“Hyung,” Jisung’s voice was low and fragile, “what’s going on?”
“Nothing. Let’s go to sleep.”
Jisung walked into the bedroom and leaned against the door, watching Minho who was indeed laid down on the bed. Jisung’s breathing was uneven, and it was not because of his little run from Chan’s room. Minho’s attitude hurt him deeply, he didn’t look at him for hours, not even now they were in their own private world, the only one place where they could really be fully themselves with each other. Minho denied him this very privilege and it teared his heart. Because he didn’t understand what caused this. Was it his fault? Something happened?
“Do your ankle hurt?”
Minho moved on the bed but Jisung couldn’t see anything.
“Hyung, talk please.”
“Not that much, I took a pill a little earlier.”
“Did you drink?” Jisung worried. It wasn’t good to mix alcohol and medication.
“Yes. Soda.”
Jisung’s worry increased at the powerless voice of his hyung. Even if the long day, the long week and the long party could explained it, something was off.
“Do you want me to help with something?”
Minho growled before answering.
“No, don’t bother.”
If he had kicked him, it wouldn’t have hurt more than this. What did he mean by ‘don’t bother’? His hand clenched in his thighs, trying to redirect his pain from his heart to this part of his body, to feel less pain in some weird way. He closed his eyes, holding back the tears threatening to fall. As years passed, as Minho helped him back in the days, he knew when he had to bury everything inside and when he could let go. Right now, he had to be strong to be happier after.
“What do you mean by that?”
Sadly, he couldn’t contain the hurt from his voice. He was not that strong. Not yet at least.
“Nothing.” Minho sighed, his arm falling over his head, surely obstructing his eyes as Jisung knew he did when he was tired.
“I thought you didn’t lie.”
“I…” Minho sighed again.
Jisung waited, he learnt that Minho sometimes needed time and silence to open himself, even to him, even after they started dating. So he waited. Even if it killed himself, even if it felt like his heart was falling into pieces in his chest, even if what he only wanted was to walk, climb the bed and curl himself into Minho’s embrace. But he stayed right where he was, his head and his shoulder against the door, his legs crossed, his hands fidgeting on his thighs. He wanted to touch Minho, to be eased by him, simply by his closeness. But he stayed where he was. Waiting.
“I don’t want to be a burden for you Jisung-ah.”
“You are not!” Jisung answered back, astonished.
“Then why didn’t look at me? On stage?”
Jisung almost didn’t hear him as Minho’s words was almost whispered, only the full silence of the middle of the night allowed Jisung to catch them.
“I looked at you.”
“No.”
Jisung stopped himself from answering just before retorting a ‘yes I did’ that would get them nowhere. He paused and thought about the show. During their performance, he glanced several times toward Minho, when he could, but Minho couldn’t know as he was mostly showing his back to them, facing the crowd and the cameras.
“You couldn’t see me but I watched you from where I was.”
“I’m not talking about that. It’s… it’s nothing, let’s sleep Jisung-ah.”
“No. Not until you tell me how I hurt you jagiya.”
Maybe it was selfish but he knew he wouldn’t sleep with this thought in mind. How could he? He hurt the man he loved.
Minho sighed, again but this time, he raised himself into the sitting position on the bed, facing him. He looked more than exhausted. The dark circles under his eyes were almost black now. Guilt rushed over him, he was a poor boyfriend for making him talk in this state. It could wait the morning. It-
“After Walking on the water, when you gathered around Seungmin-ah and me, you didn’t look at me, not even one second Jisung-ah. I… Hyung felt hurt like I didn’t exist because I was not really on stage with you. And even at the end, you only looked once. Only once in what? Fifteen minutes? It hurts. I feel like… once you were freed of my injury, you shined and did not look back, forget-”
“That’s not true hyung.” Jisung’s voice broke under the emotions. “I”, he breathed heavily to find the strength to reveal the truth, “did avoid your gaze hyung, that I can admit it. But…”, he stopped himself and closed his eyes, unable to hold Minho’s gaze anymore, “I didn’t do it because I thought about you as a burden that I got rid during the performance. I, I, I didn’t want you to see how sad I was.”
“Sad?!”
The high pitch of Minho’s voice made Jisung open his eyes to find his hyung eyes widen, blinking quickly.
“Yes, it’s… I know how much you love being on stage, dancing in front of a crowd like that. And you were stuck on your chair, all alone, while we were dancing. I know how much you must have been hurt by that. If I could, I would have switched with you and let you dance on my behalf, I would have been happy to just sing if it meant for you to dance. So, I avoided your gaze because I thought you didn’t need to see how sad it made me to not dance by your side. I wanted you to enjoy as much as you can the performance. So I hid myself. I’m sorry hyung, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Actually, I wanted the opposite.”
“Jisung-ah…” Minho lifted one arm toward him, Jisung understood right away its meaning.
He detached himself from the door frame, walked to the bed and took his hyung hand in his own. With a gently smile, Minho pulled him, making him fall right on Minho’s side. He big spooned him, putting one arm on his waist, his hand resting on his chest. He pushed his right leg between Jisung’s. The younger felt finally complete. The weight vanished slowly at each Minho’s breath flying on his neck.
“I love you so much jagiya. Thank you for existing.”
His hug tightened around Jisung, making feel all the love the words couldn’t carry on their own.
“I love you too hyung.”
He felt Minho’s smile under his skin, peace finally made his way to Jisung’s heart and mind.
Cuddling in this position, they were now facing the window where the moon shined for them. It reminded him of Minho’s speech. How it felt true and was thoughtful words.
“You know,” he whispered, “what you said about the moon was beautiful. And inspiring.”
“Hmm.”
Minho’s breath was even and calm and Jisung understood he fell asleep, exhaustion winning the battle.
Jisung kept staring at the moon a little while before his own tiredness put him to sleep too.
The end