Work Text:
Once upon a crisp November day, the last drippings of rain had died away, and Samantha Fulnecky awoke with a hangover. She stared up at the ceiling, and as her head throbbed, she prayed to God for forgiveness of the sins she had committed the night before. Then in a flash, she remembered - her Psych paper was due! It was 9:43 AM, and the deadline was 10. She wouldn’t have time to look at primary or secondary sources, or do any research, or follow the instructions for the assignment. Not that she ever did that anyway.
Samantha stumbled over to her laptop, opening it up. She didn’t have time to fill up her Stanley Cup, not even to slip into her Lululemons. That’s how serious she was. She took one glance at the article, which was about schoolchildren teasing other schoolchildren for not fitting into gender stereotypes, and frantically typed up her essay:
“i thoguht the article was very inertesting and it mad eme think a alot about the gender and the gemder roles and stuff.. becaus the bible says god made boys to be boys & men to be men & girls tobe girls & women to be woman annd , the bibble says gender is a thing that is a good thing bc it is a thing that god He made to be a thing so like?? idk but steorotypes are good becaus the bible says so and.,He said.. so the jesus lord said that girls shuld be girly girlsy girlgirls and play with barbie dolls & princess ponys & like wear dresses and boys liek footbals and monstertrucks so like ya. and blible say that transvestits are SATANIC EVIL DISGUSTING DEMONIC CREATURES WHO SHOULD BURN FOREVER IN THE DEEPEST BOWELS OF ETERNAL HELL!!!!!!!! may jesus walk with u,,, and that is the end of my essay.
works sited:
the bibul”
Usually, such a masterful expression of English prose takes time to craft. But Samantha remarkably managed to type it up, upload it, and hit submit right as the clock read 9:59. Truly, with the power of prayer and the grace of God Almighty, all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26)
With that, Samantha shut her laptop and collapsed back onto the bed. Her first class of the day wasn’t until noon, so she had some more time to lay in bed and nurse her hangover.
A prairie oyster and a prayer helped her feel better by the time she got to her first class, Biology. Today’s lecture was about evolution. Samantha tried to hold in her comments, until eventually she just couldn’t anymore. These lies were just too much to take. She had to spread the Truth! Samantha jumped to her feet.
“Evolution is a lie!” she screamed out. “God made the Earth in six days, the Bible says so! We didn’t come from monkeys, are you saying that my grandpa is a chimpanzee? How dare you! If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? God made Adam out of clay and Eve out of his rib! That’s what the Bible says!”
Her Biology professor, a gray-haired, bespectacled man, looked on blankly as everyone turned their heads to the girl yelling in the middle of the lecture hall. He stood there, stupefied, laser pointer frozen in his hand. “Um, while any-”
“And ANOTHER thing!” she shrieked. “I didn’t hear you mention the global Flood, not even ONCE! Don’t you know they found Noah’s ark in Turkey? But I bet none of our textbooks say that, because they’re full of woke liberal GARBAGE! Read your Bible, people, and repent in Jesus name! I can’t take any more of these lies about evolution and…and dinosaurs! SATAN put all those fossils in the ground as a way to test our faith!...”
In between her ranting, the professor managed to get a word in edgewise. “Excuse me, Miss Fulnecky. While any input and different perspectives are welcome, I’m afraid you’re creating a disruption. Please sit back down, I have to finish my lectu-”
“Do you see that? Religious discrimination! Religious discrimination! Help, help, I’m being discriminated against!” cried out Samantha, frantically waving her arms around as she looked around the lecture hall. She pulled out her phone, fumbling with the screen as she quickly went live on Instagram. “Y’all, I can’t believe this!” she spoke to the camera, sniffling as tears began to well up in her eyes. “My faith guides me every step of the way through my life. And all I did was…I just expressed my love for Jesus in class? And what does THIS…this man, my professor, do?” She whipped around the phone camera to record him, making sure to zoom in on his face.
“He tells me to sit down and shut up. That Jesus is scientifically impossible and s-stupid, and… that I should never mention Him again.” She made sure to turn the camera around again to capture her face, now reddened and contorted, with tears rolling down her cheeks. “And h-he said…that if I ever mention Jesus again…he’ll give me a failing grade.”
Her professor stammered that he never said any of that, but it was too late. Already, Samantha’s live chat was overflowing with support for her. Comments raced by at a mile a minute:
“DISGUSTING!!! 😡😡 SO sorry samantha, praying for u and America right now!!”
“If you can’t see that this is anti-christian bigotry, I don’t know what to tell you”
“Evil, evil man. get his ass fired immediately”
“fuckin woketard probably voted for kamala KEKW”
“You want your ‘science’ to try and kick jesus out of MY school will you?!?! we say: HELL NO!!!”
“Hit this atheist redditor in the face with a bible he’ll probably melt OMEGALUL”
“They can try to silence us.. jail us perescute us even KILL us.. but we never gonna stop loving u jesus the LORD and spreading YOUR word.. STAY STRONG. ONE LOVE 💙💙💙✝✝✝”
“they’re not even trying to hide their hatred anymore, what they want is a Holocaust for Christians”
“Kill this radical left godless piece of shit.”
“His name is Dr. Noah Katzenberg and his phone number is…”
“Rothschild-funded talmudist zio parasites infesting our schools”
“anybody got his home address?”
Samantha got up and walked out of the lecture hall as it erupted into chaos. She would have stuck around, but she had followers to interact with. Her livestream had ballooned up to hundreds, then thousands of viewers; numbers she had only dreamed of. She continued talking to them about the incident, sniffling, and praying with her chat before signing off. She raced back into her dorm room, typing up an email detailing the religious discrimination she had just survived that very day. She sent it to the President of the University of Oklahoma, and cc’d her college’s dean, the Governor of Oklahoma, the Teacher Freedom Alliance, the Alliance Defending Freedom, Turning Point USA, Moms for Liberty, Dads for Liberty, Babies for Liberty, Liberty Mutual, the ADL, the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Washington Times, the New York Post, Fox News, Dinesh D’Souza, William Lane Craig, Senators James Lankford and Markwayne Mullin, the other 98 members of the US Senate, all 435 members of the House of Representatives, President Donald Trump, Vice President JD Vance, Secretary of Education Linda McMahon, Pope Leo XIV, and Secretary-General of the United Nations António Guterres.
Within 5 minutes of clicking the send button, the journalists descended onto the University of Oklahoma like a swarm of locusts. Samantha heard a tap on her window, and looked to see a gaggle of journalists clinging to the glass like salamanders. She opened her window, and immediately found 10 microphones shoved in her face. Before she could so much as open her mouth, she was peppered with frantic questions about how she was feeling after the traumatic incident and what her thoughts were about anti-Christian persecution in America and around the world. Before the hour was up, she was scheduled for a primetime interview with Laura Ingraham, with appearances on Joe Rogan and Candace Owens lined up for tomorrow.
Samantha felt her phone buzz. It was a notification from Truth Social, which she had notifications turned on for, as any good American should. It was a post from none other than the President of the United States himself, and not just a text post - a video post! She quickly hit play.
Our glorious President, peace and blessings of God be upon him, sitting at the Resolute Desk, began: “I have heard, and many people are talking about, the HORRIBLE persecution of one young, innocent girl, Samantha Full-necky, a girl, a beautiful girl, really, but you can’t say that anymore because they don’t want you to say it, they say oh, that’s offensive, but, a girl who wanted nothing more than to express her faith that has been the foun-day-shun…” He paused, squinting at a point behind the camera. “Founday-shiun of our great country, and the RADICAL LEFT punished her for it. It’s really disgraceful, really, nobody’s seen anything like it. Nobody has ever been treated so unfairly in history except, perhaps, me. But we’re with you, Samantha, truly a MARTYR for our time, the heritage Americans and I, we see you, we hear you, and will be doing a lot of praying, for you, and frankly, nobody prays more than me. The University of Oklahoma, or as we call it, WOKE-LAHOMA, and other, various places, have gone too far. My administration will be taking swift action against them. Stay tuned, PATRIOTS!”
Samantha heard a rumbling sound and a distant explosion. She got a look at the passing jet planes which, she would soon learn, had just bombed the Department of Gender Studies. Then the campus was lined with unmarked black vans, and masked ICE agents began kicking down doors and rounding up every international student they could find for deportation.
The faculty soon caved in. Dr. Katzenberg was fired. Samantha was given a 100 on her Psychology essay. Her other professors were so terrified for the rest of the semester that they gave her a 100 on everything she turned in, even when she put in “Jesus” for all the answers on her math exam. The path was set to an easy graduation, but she had to balance this with all the podcast appearances, speaking events, and other duties that came with her newfound fame. When she was assigned to write a paper that was more than 2 pages, that was the last straw. Samantha dropped out of college, announcing to her followers that college was a scam meant to indoctrinate you with the woke mind virus.
Samantha started her own podcast, quickly hitting a million followers as she regaled them with right-wing talking points and cultural commentary, usually copying whatever Brett Cooper was doing that week. She even performed her own crypto rugpull.
Just as she thought things couldn’t get any better, Samantha got two life-changing phone calls in one day. First, a representative from Pinnacle Peak Pictures was interested in adapting her life story into a film, set in the God’s Not Dead cinematic universe. Then, the White House called. Karoline Leavitt had just been fired for a slip-up where she said that Trump had a 92% approval rating instead of 100%, and they thought Samantha would be an excellent fit for the next Press Secretary. “Yes! YES!” she squealed immediately.
Before her first day at the new job, she made sure she was looking her best. She dyed her hair blonde, and got breast implants, lip fillers, 2-inch fake lashes, Botox, and a BBL. She started Ozempic too. So by the time she got up to that podium in the White House Press Briefing Room, her lipstick glistening in the fluorescent light, she felt like a bad bitch ready to ram her high heels into the eye sockets of the first Democrat she saw. And she bravely fought back against those awful questions from the Fake News Radical Left Media, just as she had fought back against those who attacked God all her life. Because Trump was God’s chosen President, and the blood that dripped from Trump’s ear, lo, on that dark day when it was struck by an assassin’s bullet, joined unto the stream of the blood of Christ, for as God so loved the world that He gave up His only begotten son that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have eternal life; yea, did Trump so love America that he gaveth up his life of luxury and comfort, and tooketh upon himself much suffering and martyrdom, that his only begotten homeland shall not perish but be madeth great again.
And as she was done owning the liberals that day, Samantha Fulnecky turned, and saw the ghosts of Charlie Kirk, Rush Limbaugh, and John Calvin standing and smiling at her like the ghosts at the end of Star Wars. Samantha strained to smile against her own plastic-frozen cheeks, fingered the cross necklace that lay between her silicone bosoms, and winked at the three spirits.
The ghost of Charlie Kirk opened his mouth to speak. No sound came out, but green ectoplasm did drip unto the floor from the hole in his neck.