Work Text:
Tap tap
Tap tap tap tap
…
Tap
“Hmmhh…” Shinji gave a sound of frustration as he pulled his legs closer to his body.
It had been three days since he came to the village. Over those three days, he’s spoken to another person a total of once, and it was a single word. It isn’t that Shinji wasn’t at least a little happy to see his old friends and classmates, but he just felt like it wasn’t fundamentally worth it to talk to anyone. Nobody could understand what he had been through in the past month, let alone the horror of suddenly missing 14 years of his life.
“I’ve been to fucking space, and they haven’t.”
It was the arguably silly thought that kept popping up in his spirals. It added a lighthearted sprinkle into the many, many thoughts he had about spending so long up there. After his last mission, the idea he had voiced about space being calming in that aspect took a fastball out of the window. Shinji has suddenly seen that everyone has grown up without him at all, leaving him scrambling even to hope to catch up. Seeing Asuka wasn’t that jarring, as she hadn’t physically changed either, but now his classmates were taller and fuller than he could ever be. He knew they still, reasonably, saw a 14-year-old boy in front of them instead of the 28-year-old man he was supposed to be. It was scary.
A 14-year coma had also started to make Shinji question the wellness of his memory.
Tap tap
Tap tap tap tap
…
“Why do I keep getting stuck on that part? I did this every day for a week.”
When seeing Hikari again for the first time since being in school, he had momentarily forgotten her name. He knew this wasn’t that huge of a deal and moved on from it almost immediately. However, once he ran to be completely alone, the thought crossed his mind out of nowhere again. He rarely had lapses in memory like that before, even over small things, and started to, weirdly enough, challenge himself to see everything he could remember. He remembers everyone’s names (now), the layout of the Nerv ruins, playing the piano, …playing the piano, playing…
“Oh my god.”
Shinji Ikari did not remember how to play the duet in its entirety. He was already losing memories of the person he cared about the most. The person who isn’t coming back to help him remember, who can’t come back.
…
That’s the last time his right hand ever sat entirely still. He assumed muscle memory might be able to carry him through the song, and it worked for the most part. Though the urge to be able to play the full song once more, even in the absence of the grand piano, made him continue despite it being “good enough”. There was rarely a break, even into the late hours of the night. He did not sleep much anymore anyway. For two days, this is all he did whenever he was awake. He didn’t even feel the tips of his fingers anymore.
Tap
Tap
“Ikari-kun.”
Shinji wasn’t exactly surprised to hear Ayanami’s voice behind him. She had been coming to check on him daily and provide his rations that he rarely ate. What did surprise him was how early she was here, about two hours earlier than normal.
His palm quickly made contact with the concrete, echoing a soft thud. He didn’t enjoy others seeing this private and almost embarrassing habit he had, especially since it was a new development.
Directly under his palm, however, Shinji was immediately greeted by the feeling of wet warmth. He knew what the liquid was right away; he was fairly accustomed to it anyway. Though seeing it and feeling it are entirely different concepts, especially when it came to his own. It made him sick.
“Eat.”
Ayanami set down a plate of two bland slices of tofu, today’s rations, and started to walk away, seemingly not noticing the boy’s condition.
Shinji waited for her footsteps to fade before lifting his head and arm up simultaneously. He turned his hand over to see the splatter of crimson now dripping down to his wrist as well. His now permanent frown deepened as he had to witness just how much blood had been pooling beside him. Truthfully, he hadn’t noticed he was bleeding at all. His eyes seemed transfixed on the drop threatening to go down his jacket sleeve. The sight of the color didn’t exactly provide great memories.
He let his body fall flat onto the floor with a sigh and decided he was, in fact, too tired to continue. For once, a nap felt appropriate.
…
…
…
“Ikari-kun.”
Shinji’s eyes snapped open, and he instantly wanted to close them again. The sun shone down directly onto his face, making it hard to see. Thankfully, Ayanami walked to stand over him, shielding his eyes momentarily.
“Suzuhara gave me bandages,” Ayanami spoke softly, “For you.”
Before he could comprehend what she was saying, he watched the girl squat down and hold his arm limply in her hands.
“Ack mmrrm…” Shinji tried to protest as he was now extremely aware of the throbbing pain lacing his fingertips.
He soon felt the soft relief of the bandages being wrapped around his hand and fingers. His eyes darted away, and he tried to fight back an embarrassed flush creeping up his neck. Ayanami was being extremely gentle, which made him feel like a little kid having his scrapes covered by their mother. Here he was, a pseudo 28-year-old man getting his self-inflicted wounds coddled by someone he considered a stranger, all things considered. He didn’t like being treated fragilely anyway, well aware he did not deserve it.
“There…” Ayanami whispered before finishing up and wiping up the absolute mess of blood beside both of them.
Shinji felt guilty. Nobody should have to clean up his own bodily mess that he caused, especially with such grace and patience.
“Um…” Ayanami sounded uncharacteristically nervous, “I spoke with Aida today. There is a possibility of ‘scrapping together enough parts for a basic piano’, as he put it.”
“Huh?”
“I know the fifth quite enjoyed his. I am sure he showed you plenty of it. If it is made before the end, you may be happy having one as well.”
Ayanami gingerly stood up and walked away, bloody rag in hand.
Shinji felt something akin to a sob escape his lips. There weren’t any tears; he was far too dehydrated to cry any more than he had been.
He knew, fundamentally, this was mostly false hope. The end will likely come before anyone cares that much to make him something from scratch, but that small glimmer of hope spread through his whole body like wildfire. A promise of connection to once was sent him reeling. He will take it for now.
…
…
…
Shinji sat in the locked pod aboard Wunder, choker sitting comfortably around his throat. He looked down at his hand, which was still loosely bandaged. Slowly, he began to tap at the space next to him with both hands in rhythm.
…
Kensuke watched as the ship took off and walked back into the storage garage, which he now called home. He pushed his glasses up to look at the extremely unfinished and rough wooden piano sitting by the front door.
“Maybe another time.”
…
Tap
Shinji’s hands shook halfway from the dull pain, but also something like adrenaline that started to overtake his body.
Tap
He’s felt this way many times before.
Tap tap
This is what playing the piano feels like.
Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap
He sighs so heavily it echoes off the pod walls. His hands rose up, still shaking slightly.
“I remembered…for you.”