Archive of Our Own

“You know, I know it’s not my place to say dear, but it always surprised me that you two never...”

Charlie looked up at Sarah confused. His brow was furrowed and perhaps he appeared a little more angry than perplexed, because his best friend’s mum suddenly started back tracking.

“Sorry, not that it’s any of my business. I didn’t mean anything by it and of course... maybe you have and Nick just didn’t tell me. He doesn’t have to share everything I suppose.”

The crease between Charlie’s thick brows only deepened as Sarah started rambling a little nervously.

“But I just ...I can’t imagine him being able to keep a lid on that. God, I think I’ve probably had too much wine. Please don’t say I mentioned it Charlie, darling. Oh God I feel I’ve rather put my foot in it.”

What on earth was Sarah banging on about? Had someone actually spiked her Cabernet Sauvignon, because she was making about as much sense as the plot of a poorly written Hallmark Christmas movie. The heroine facing a choice between success in business and spending time with the local dreamy inn keeper. Her boss simply in desperate need of that career-making presentation to be delivered between Christmas and New Year. Meanwhile she was stuck in a one-horse town, on the way back from her country-living parents with no access to Wi-Fi and apparently no transport options because of an unexpected snow drift.

Anyway. Charlie and I digress....

“Sarah, what do you mean? Me and Nick?”

“You know.”

“I don’t.”

“You don’t need to be coy with me, Charlie. I’ve seen the way you look at him and I mean, you’ve got eyes – he's obviously besotted with you.”

“What?!”

“Oh dear. Oh, I really have overstepped, haven’t I? I just assumed you knew but didn’t want to risk the friendship. Which I understand of course, but you’d be so cute together.”

Sarah covered her cheeks with her hands and looked rather flushed like she was worried she was spilling even more secrets. “It never really occurred to me that you hadn’t noticed how much he likes you. Oh Charlie, please don’t tell him I said anything. You’re honestly the best friend he’s ever had. I’d hate it if me and my big mouth had made things awkward between you. He would never want anything to come between your friendship.”

“Sarah, what are you actually talking about? Nick and me – Nick is – he... Nick doesn’t, he wouldn’t....”

“Well, oh maybe you’re right of course.”

She held her hands up, palms forward defensively

“I could have got the wrong end of the stick but... well... I mean, haven’t you ever noticed the way he stares at you? Or the fact that any time you sit next to him, he’s always touching you. I mean, I know my Nicky is a tactile man, but he doesn’t cuddle Sai like that, believe me.”

“Sarah - Nick is straight!”

She looked at him completely dumbfounded. Utterly and entirely perplexed. Like he had just said that black was white or that Nigel Farage would make a really good Prime Minister.

“I’m sorry, not following. Nick is what now?”

“Straight, as in, he only likes women. He’d probably want to stop hanging out with me if I ever propositioned him about something like that.”

Charlie knew that wasn’t true. Nick was entirely accepting, and actually had a very large queer friend group. If Charlie had ever let slip about his all-consuming massive crush on him, he’d no doubt be entirely understanding and infuriatingly kind. He’d let him down in the sweetest, gentlest way imaginable, and the crack in Charlie’s already splintered heart would probably break beyond repair.

Because the truth was Charlie was completely in love with Nick.

Bone achingly, spine tinglingly, stomach churningly in love with Nick. He had fallen for him in a pretty big way, as soon as they’d met, a little over 6 months ago, when he answered Charlie’s advert for a flat mate. Maybe that seemed a little quick to have fallen so irrevocably in love with someone you weren’t actually in a relationship with. But Nick Nelson was a hard man not to fall in love with. He’d quickly become possibly the most important person in Charlie’s life.

It was true that Charlie had some lasting and meaningful friendships from his childhood. It seemed kind of silly to use terms like ‘best friend’ as an adult. It’s not like he needed to rank the relationships in order of importance.

But there was something all-consuming in his friendship with Nick. They just enjoyed spending time together. He’d lost count of the number of nights they’d stayed up swapping stories into the wee hours, during the relatively short time they’d known each other. Along with countless evenings playing retro video games, watching comedy panel shows on Dave and Nick roping Charlie into cooking increasingly elaborate meals.

When Charlie had shared with him, how far he’d come in his recovery with food and his eating disorder and how it helped him to know exactly what he was eating, Nick had listened patiently and offered him a supportive, unbearably warm hug. Before suggesting that if he liked they could start cooking together at least once a week but, ‘Only if you’re comfortable with it. I want to follow your lead here, Charlie. I might not always get it, but I’m you’re friend, and I... I really care about you.’

So, most Sundays they’d shop for ingredients. Nick would do the majority of the cooking but they would work together, effortlessly complimenting each other’s style. Nick would chop quickly, and taste everything as he went, and Charlie would make sure their wine was always topped up and the tunes were pitched just right. It was all frightfully domestic and for Charlie just ever so slightly heart breaking.

They also talked about pretty much everything. Not just Charlie’s struggles with his own mental health, but Nick’s strained relationship with his mostly absent father. His work on repairing the bridges with his somewhat arseholeish brother. ‘He’s a work in progress’ he’d say.

Charlie talked about his deep love for his siblings and how his relationship with his own parents had been a challenge as a teenager but was now entering a new equilibrium as he approached his mid-twenties.

They talked for hours, about the big stuff and the small. About how they were silently judging anyone who wouldn’t befriend someone based on their particular star sign, or how they both got trapped into YouTube rabbit holes watching endless re-tellings of ‘Am I the Asshole’ stories from reddit. They talked about their fears for the future and their hopes and dreams too. They talked about the films and books they loved, the TV they enjoyed. They bonded over where their taste overlapped and teased where it differed, but it always felt light, playful.

There was just one area they barely ever discussed. Their love life.

When they’d first met, Nick had just been dumped by his long term girlfriend, hence the sudden need to find new living arrangements. He had decided he could use some time to be single and concentrate on work and his friends and the hobbies he’d neglected. All of which he’d admitted he’d let fade into the background, as he continually tried to meet the ever-changing needs of his increasingly demanding ex.

Charlie had disclosed a few of his early horror stories from his dating history. Including his first kiss from a toxic ‘ex-boyfriend’ who didn’t even think they were boyfriends when he was a teenager. He had just used Charlie whenever he felt like it and ignored him, or worse berated him in public, before Charlie spotted him kissing some girl at the school gates.

Charlie had continued dating on off and when Nick had first moved in, but he found it increasingly disheartening and was convinced he was destined to end his days alone, surrounded by too many cats. ‘Honestly, like 2 is cute but I’ll probably just keep on adopting them and end up with 15 and a house that smells like a re-homing shelter.”

Nick laughed at him and told him he was far too gorgeous and smart and funny to end up alone. That had actually not been as reassuring as Nick had clearly hoped it would be and only served to highlight just how much he wished for more with Nick. They clearly were so incredibly well suited and frankly it seemed like they did love each other. Just unfortunately not in the way that Charlie needed.

Charlie admitted to himself in his most honest of moments that maybe, just maybe, the reason that every date he’d been on since meeting Nick had been such a complete flop was the fact that the most gorgeous man he’d ever met, who happened to be the best person he’d ever known, was waiting for him at home.

So, he had come to a conclusion. Dating chat would be off the table. It felt weird, and painful and frankly a bit dishonest to talk about it with Nick, since he couldn’t really reveal why he was feeling just the way he was. He made up a lie about how he thought discussing men was far too basic a topic, and they should just ‘not go there anymore’.

‘It’s like that rule, you know the The Bechdel test or something? Where female characters in a book or a film, need to talk about something other than guys at least once for it to pass.’

‘Yeah, except, you know neither of us our women, and this isn’t a fiction and we talk about plenty of things. We can chat about whatever you want to Charlie?’

‘I just, I don’t want to obsess about my love life anymore. If you need to talk to me about anything, of course you can but I’d just rather we take dating off the topic list for a while if you don’t mind?’

Truthfully after that, Charlie hadn’t had much of a dating life to speak of. He’d hooked up with one guy on a night out and when he’d returned home, hung over and somewhat unfulfilled the next day, Nick had seemed kind of distant. Not moody but just a bit forlorn. Charlie had asked what the matter was, and his response had been uncharacteristically cryptic.

‘It’s the thing we don’t talk about Charlie.’

This had left Charlie feeling pretty confused, but Nick for once didn’t seem to want to open up and so he hadn’t pushed.

Then there was the flirting.

Charlie knew he didn’t mean to do it. He obviously thought it was harmless. He considered talking to him about it. Saying that it made him uncomfortable. Though of course that wasn’t really the right word.

It actually just made him kind of sad.

He should have told him. Told him that as much as it wasn’t his intention, that he was sort of leading him on. Dangling a very appealing, sexy but unattainable carrot right in front of his nose. But that would involve admitting that he was at the very least attracted to (though in reality head over heels in love with) Nick.

And he couldn’t tell him that.

As kindhearted as he knew Nick would be about it, he couldn’t face the inevitable change that information would bring. The setting of boundaries. The untangling of lives. The sharpening of enjoyably blurred lines.

Maybe it was selfish not to just come clean. But as much as it made him sad, he wasn’t quite ready to give up the lingering looks, and easy touches. The long hugs and the vaguely suggestive comments. He certainly didn’t want Nick to suddenly feel like he needed to wear a t-shirt whenever he got up in the morning for his first cup of tea of the day. Shuffling round the kitchen wearing only his flannel pj bottoms. His floppy auburn hair adorably mussed, freckles dusting his beautifully broad shoulders, and perfectly sculpted pecs. Yes, Charlie did spend a little bit too much time admiring his half naked flat mate come best friend, but Nick was incredibly fit, and Charlie was incredibly gay and only human. Nick must know there was a possibility Charlie would at least have a passing interest in his chiseled chest and frankly biteable abs.

In fact, Nick had caught him in one of his less subtle moments on an unseasonably warm day back in September.

He had stumbled into the kitchen wearing nothing but a pair of tight white boxer trunks and a smile. Charlie, had nearly choked on his own saliva and hadn’t been able to school his face in time before Nick asked him if he’d like a cuppa.

‘What?’

‘What?’

‘You’re staring!’

Charlie had flushed uncontrollably, deep in panic at being caught.

‘No I wasn’t.’

‘Yeah you were!’ Nick had chuckled back and seemed entirely too pleased with himself at this, but Charlie grabbed a tea towel and tossed it at him in protest.

‘Make me coffee and stop strutting around in your underwear Nelson!’

Nick had always worn his PJs after that, and Charlie was a little disappointed he’d taken his instructions to heart, but it was probably for the best.

When December rolled around and Charlie’s parents had said they’d be visiting his sister Tori in Canada, Nick hadn’t hesitated in asking him to come to his family Christmas at his mum’s place. Charlie had used up a bit too much of his annual leave allowance to make a trans-Atlantic trip worth it, certainly not when he considered the exorbitant costs involved. His parents had offered to split the bill for the flights, worried about leaving him all alone but as much as their relationship was better, he really didn’t relish the prospect of an intense 5 day whistle stop tour partly bank rolled by his folks. He had blurted out that he wouldn't be alone because Nick had already invited him to spend Christmas with him.

When Nick had found this out, he immediately did extend an invitation, despite Charlie’s protests that he didn’t want to intrude. Nick wouldn’t take no for an answer.

‘You know mum, I swear she loves you more than me.’

‘She loves you more than life itself, so I don’t think that’s true. But she has always been very sweet to me.’

‘Of course she has, she’s constantly banging on about what a lovely young man you are. She adores you. Not that I can blame her.’

Charlie’s heart had twinged a little at that but as ever, he’d suppressed his longing and agreed that he’d spend Christmas with Nick back home in Kent. Weirdly, not all that far from his own family’s home.

And so it was, that in a room filled with Nick’s relatives, on a crisp and cool December 25th with the smell of mulled wine in the air, Charlie had been cornered by a somewhat merry Sarah Nelson, who had clearly taken leave of her senses and was currently shipping her younger son with his new best friend.

"Charlie, are you feeling alright?”

“Me? I think I should be asking you that question Sarah.”

“Charlie, Nick’s bisexual! Is this a joke? I don’t get it, are you filming me? Is it for tectcok”

“TikTok”

“Yes that one. Is it a trend or something?”

“What? Sarah no, it’s not a trend, and I’m clearly not filming you. What are you... Nick isn’t... what are you talking about?”

“Nick’s bi Charlie. He came out almost 10 years ago at that very dining table. You’re not claiming you didn’t know this? Have I entered the twilight zone?!”

Charlie’s entire brain went offline. He could feel his stomach drop to his knees and then rapidly migrate to the ceiling before settling somewhere in his chest cavity.

He then started goldfishing his mouth open and closed. A repeated attempt to either speak or take on air, or maybe both. He hadn’t quite worked it out. There had to be some mistake. There was no way, the man he considered the unrequited love of his life, his best friend, and frankly the hottest guy he’d ever encountered, had lived with him for the last 6 months and entirely failed to mention that there was even the remotest possibility that he was into guys. Granted Charlie had never explicitly come out to Nick as such, or at least not with a big announcement. He’d just mentioned his dating history, and of course the discussion about his mental health struggles in his teenage years had touched on his accidental outing.

But Nick certainly hadn’t provided any reciprocal stories. He would have remembered that. Why on earth would he keep that from him? Of course, he didn’t owe Charlie that information but from the way Sarah was talking, this was obviously not remotely a secret. She’d just assumed Charlie knew.

Charlie’s entire mouth went dry. He searched about for any logical explanation. None of it made any sense. Then the truth hit him squarely in the solar plexus.

Nick didn’t want to get Charlie’s hopes up.

The idea of being with him was so entirely out of the question, and Charlie was so evidently and embarrassingly into him, that Nick had forced himself back into the closet in his own home, so as not to give Charlie even the smallest modicum of expectation that something might happen between them.

This news in fact changed nothing. After all, what good was it if Nick was into guys but decidedly not into him? If anything, this was somehow worse. Despite the fact that nothing had materially changed, he felt his eyes start to brim with tears. He was absolutely determined, he wasn’t about to start crying in Sarah Nelson's kitchen on Christmas day so he scrunched them shut and started taking deep breaths, circling his index and middle fingers at his temple.

This was fine. He was fine. Everything was fine.

At that precise moment, he heard Nick’s distinctive laugh as he entered the kitchen, clearly unaware of the turmoil his mother had just detonated into their lives.

Charlie’s eyes shot open and found Nick’s almost immediately. Whose expression changed from warm and amused to deeply concerned in a matter of moments. He was by Charlie’s side in seconds, hand on his shoulder.

“Charlie, what’s wrong? What happened?”

“I... I.... You’re... but you never... why didn’t you? I... you’re mum. You’re mum told me...”

Nick looked at his mum wide eyed and full of concern. “What happened, what did you say?”

“Don’t, don’t blame her, she thought I knew.”

“Thought you knew what? What’s going on?”

“Nick dear, Charlie was under the impression that you were straight. Do you care to explain why that might be?”

“What?!”

“I told him you were bi love, and he’s just sort of started hyper ventilating. I think maybe I broke him?”

“Charlie, what are you talking about? You thought I was straight? Am I being punked right now?”

“Punked?! What is this 2005?”

Nick chuckled in response, “Ah, there’s the Charlie I know and love. So sorry, what’s this about? You know I’m bi, or at least I mean, you knew I wasn’t straight. I suppose I didn’t explicitly label it.”

“Nick, I think I’d remember if you told me that. You’ve never... how would I know?”

“I actually distinctly remember telling you because... well never mind why but I definitely did.”

“When? How?”

Sarah cleared her throat at this point. “I think I’m going to pop the kettle on, let you boys talk for a bit.”

“I told you I ran into my toxic ex-boyfriend, like 3 weeks after I moved in.”

Charlie searched his memory. This feels like the sort of thing that would definitely stand out.

“What? No you didn’t! Believe me, I’d know If you'd mentioned an ex-boyfriend.”

“Well, it’ll still probably be in our WhatsApp history, I can check.”

Nick pulled out his phone and started scrolling.

“There, see!”

Nick turned the screen to Charlie.

Bloody hell. Just ran into my toxic af ex bf at Lidl. Please have wine ready when I get back.

Sounds shit, want to talk about it?

I actually don’t but I could use a hug if that’s not too forward?

I’m sure that can be arranged Nick.

Yeah?

Of course, Nick, I feel like we’re friends now?

Right, understood. I’ll see you at home

“See, I told you. Like 3 weeks after we met.”

Charlie started spluttering and his breathing picked up again. “Bf for boyfriend?”

“Yes, Charlie, what did you think I meant?”

“Best friend. I thought you ran into your ex best friend.”

“Who uses bf for best friend?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t know you all that well then and I thought you were a little dorky and trying to be kind of cool on your messages or something.”

Nick barked out a short sharp laugh. “Bloody hell Charlie. You seriously thought I was straight this whole time because you thought bf stood for best friend? Who even has ex best friends?”

“Friendship break ups are a real thing, Nick. Sometimes they can be even more upsetting than romantic ones.”

“Ok, that’s fair but seriously? You didn’t think to clarify?”

“Well, alright but you didn’t think to do more than mention once, in an abbreviated text messages that you were also into men.”

“Well.... we .... I mean. Shit. No, I suppose I didn't. But in fairness, you said we had to stop talking about dating not long after that. Besides I...”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“No tell me, what were you going to say?”

“I guess, well, it was stupid but I’d kind of thought we had maybe had a bit of a flirty vibe at first. But then, when you said we were friends in your message, I thought it was a signal. You were telling me you weren’t interested. And well, I didn’t waynt to go on making a fool of myself in case you thought I was like propositioning you or... you’d realise I had been fishing. I couldn’t take another outright rejection, so I didn’t want to drop any more hints. It just seemed safer to steer clear of relationships or sexuality chat all together.”

Charlie’s brain was like a pinball machine, frantically switching from one unformed thought to another.

Nick had thought they’d been flirting

Nick had thought Charlie rejected him

Nick had been fishing... fishing for what?

Also, talking about his sexuality wasn’t a proposition. That was madness!

Sorry, wait, Nick was, bi. Nick was actually fucking bi, and thought Charlie knew.

Nick was bi and thought Charlie knew and thought he had rejected him.

Nick had been hinting. Nick had been hinting. Nick had been hinting he was into Charlie?

“Wait, wait, wait!”

Charlie stood with his hands raised unable to form sentences for a few moments.

Eventually, Nick spoke up. “Still waiting here Char.”

Nick was the only person who ever called him Char, and the sound of it broke him out of his stupor for a moment.

“Nick, do you, I mean, I might be reading this all wrong here but are you telling me, that you had a thing for me? I mean when you moved in.”

“Char.”

Nick’s voice was warm and rich, and Charlie looked at him properly for the first time since this conversation started. His eyes were soft and filled with an unmistakable affection. He was looking at Charlie like he was precious to him. Something took root in Charlie’s heart. It felt like hope. Then Nick’s words from earlier started echoing around Charlie's pinball machine of a brain on repeat

‘There’s the Charlie I know and love’

Love. Love? Did Nick love Charlie back? He had to know. He couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“Nick, I... I’m so in love with you. And you don’t have to say it back and if that’s not where you’re at, I totally get it. But maybe you’d like consider... I mean we could just see if there’s something here? But it’s Christmas, and it turns out you’re bisexual, and maybe you have been flirting with me for the past 6 months? And did I mention it’s Christmas? So yeah. I’m just laying my cards on the table. I’m stupidly, ridiculously in love with you Nick.”

“Yeah, I’m in love with you too, Charlie. Obviously.”

Warmth spread throughout Charlie’s chest like he was stepping into the dawn after a long, cold winter’s night.

“I really wanna kiss you right now.”

Nick didn’t wait to be asked a second time. His right hand wrapped around Charlie’s narrow waist and his other cupped at his jaw. Then they both leaned forward and their lips met for the first time. Slow and soft and sweet. Charlie’s fingers trailed through Nick’s hair, then down his back. Nick pushed Charlie forward till his bum hit the aforementioned kitchen table and suddenly the kiss was somewhat less sweet and a little more hungry and heated as their bodies pressed firmly against each other.

Charlie’s hand was just about to reach for the curve of Nick’s magnificent glutes, when a loud cheering broke out in the kitchen and brought him back to the reality of their surroundings. They pulled back giggling at each other, looking every inch the pair of lovesick idiots that they in fact were. Despite the whoops, and whistles and all-round cringe worthy encouragement from Nick’s extended family audience, Nick leaned back in. It was gentle again, but there was a promise of more to come with the delicate hint of tongue, which elicited the softest of moans into Nick’s mouth.

Charlie hoped no one had heard him above the hubbub and general celebration in the kitchen behind them. Though above the delighted cheers and chatter, two voices rang out in the background.

Charlie only half listened; he was somewhat pre-occupied with a pair of soft plump lips tenderly pressing against his own in the sweetest of caresses. But if he’d cared to pay attention properly, he would have heard the following conversation.

“Oh Dianne, it’s about bloody time. Nick’s been in love with that boy since the week they met.”

“You’ve not been interfering have you, Sarah?”

“It wasn’t intentional.”

“Sarah!?”

“Well, I mean they did need a little nudge. I just mentioned they looked cute together and well... it’s kind of a funny story.”

“This sounds like we need another glass of red and some breadsticks.”

“We can do better than breadsticks Dianne, it’s Christmas.”