Chapter Text
Chapter 1 - Roar
“Amy! Amy!!”
I grunt. Something is roaring in my ear and I don’t like it.
“Amy! Get your stupid bitch ass up right now! You’re going to be late for rehearsal.”
I jolt awake. The nagging voice in my ear is Christina, standing in the doorway. Our mom Lynne took the doors off all our rooms 6 years ago, so it would be easier for us to pray together. Even though I love Jesus, it also makes it a lot easier for Christina to torment me.
“Fine fine I’m getting up” I croak. I haven’t been feeling well and my voice is sore from yesterday’s 17 hour rehearsal.
“Ugh finally you fat cow!” Christina turns and stomps away, making the whole house shake. She looks so gorgeous and skinny in her ripped jorts and her super famous and hot boyfriend’s oversized Chicago Bears football tee.
I get up, take a shit, and throw some clothes on. I forget to flush but it’s fine, I'll try again tomorrow. Lauren is already in the kitchen eating sugarfree ‘magic spoon’ cereal for diabetics and fatties. It tastes like dog shit, no wonder she’s so skinny and hot. She is dressed like a lumberjack, and smells like an old church organ and patchouli.
“Hey loser, you’re late,” Lauren throws an Eggo waffle at me and it hits me in the eye. It hurts BAD but I keep it pushing. “Haha hi Lauren,” I manage to get the words out. I start coughing aggressively. Lately I've had a bad cough…I think I have long Covid, but I don’t think it’s a big deal. I know my health is in God’s hands.
Christina walks over to Lauren and gives her a big hug, “you are literally my favorite sister in the entire family. Also, I hate Amy. She’s such a loser.” Ughhh it’s so obvious Lauren is her favorite since they share a birthday. For my birthday this year, Christina announced she was pregnant. Even though she forgot to get me a gift, the announcement was better than last year when she got really drunk at my birthday dinner, and was talking about sucking dick and cock. Time and place, Christina…
I hear a LOUD fart and turn around to see Dani is on the couch watching TV next to her husband Emmyn, who is wearing pampers. Apparently he is incontinent, I wish he would leave. The fumes stink up the whole house and I actually almost throw up in the kitchen trashcan. Also he ate the whole fridge and that’s my job so i’m actually pissed ngl. I don't know why he is even allowed in the house. Just the other day, Emmyn was apprehended for beating a libtard during a peaceful protest. For some reason Katherine thinks she can save him with the power of Jesus.
And oh yeah, Katherine, my other sister! She is nice to me but she thinks the Cimorelli house is a gosh darn halfway house. The folks that come through here are downright scary. Kat is sitting next to Emmyn trying to get him interested in the bible, but he’s too busy watching himself getting arrested on Fox News.
“Haha this is the part where I got tased,” Emmyn laughs, spit flying out of his slack jawed mouth, and directly into My Eggo Waffle Eye. No one even notices me keel over, and my scream of pain is quickly drowned out by the sounds of a Mozartian soprano–
[The riff from Wicked] “Oh wooooah ohhh ohhhhh!”
Everyone looks up and sees Lisa ascend from hell, I mean the basement. Everyone starts clapping and cheering, and Christina gets on her knees and chants “we’re not worthy” over and over again.
Lisa has her head shaved because she is supporting her husband Chad Gilbert through his cancer treatments. Today she finally agreed to come back to rehearsal!! Which is a relief because the internet is pissed… where’s Lisa where’s Lisa but no one ever asks where’s Amy :(
“Hi Lisa, I'm so excited you’re back!” I say cheerfully
She stops dead in her tracks and looks me dead in the eye: “Kill yourself, Amy” she says.
Haha she’s so funny. I love my sisters so much.
*HONK HONK*
“Hey guys we gotta get to the studio!”
I run out the door and see Arielle Thomas in the orange minivan holding a starbucks double dark chocolate frappuccino with 7 shots of espresso. Arielle is our band’s assistant, she started working for us a few years ago.
Her majestic brown hair billows in the turbulent Tennessee air, her mocha brown eyes match her mocha brown drink…. I wish she would notice me.