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“Hey Pete!” Tony Stark called from across the kitchen as he prepared mac and cheese for him and his mentee.
“Yeah Mr. Stark?”
“I was thinking, since your eighteenth is in a week, it’s about time I got you a car. How does a Bentley sound?”
“Aren’t those cars super expensive?” Peter asked, sipping his Gatorade.
Tony shrugged, dishing up the macaroni and coming to sit across from Peter. “I mean, not really?”
Peter narrowed his eyes. “How much, exactly, were you thinking of spending on a car?”
“Oh, not much. Just about $400 grand. Why?”
The nonchalance with which Tony named that exorbitant amount made Peter do a spit take. “Can you please say that price again?”
“$400 grand?” Tony repeated, confused.
“Right, I just wanted to make sure I heard you correctly. And you said that’s not too much? Just how much money do you actually have?”
Tony furrowed his eyebrows, supremely confused. “I’m a billionaire, Underoos. I thought you knew that?”
“It doesn’t matter if I did or not,” Peter replied, trying so hard to not show any of his rising anger on his face or in his voice. “How much would you say you have right now, if you had to put a number on it?”
“Maybe a hundred or two billion? It doesn’t really matter, kid. Why the sudden interrogation?” Tony chuckled weakly, but something on Peter’s face must’ve said he wasn’t laughing.
“Look, Mr. Stark, I never had any money. May and I have struggled so much to make ends meet and I was always taught to hate billionaires. And then I met you, and I’ve always admired you. It never clicked to me just how much money you have, until now. Nobody needs that much money. And it’s so obvious to me from the look on your face that you’re not understanding anything I’m saying right now. I think I need some time to think things over.”
Tony reached out a hand as Peter stood up. “Wait, kid! If you need to go, I don’t begrudge you that. But I just want you to know you’ve given me a lot of new information to think about. What would you recommend I do about it?”
Peter scoffed. “Talk to Harley, Tony. I’ve gotta go.”
The kid grabbed his things, practically running for the stairs, and quickly disappeared out of Tony’s sight. Tony just sighed, not at all understanding why Peter was so angry, but it hurt him to know Peter was angry enough to lose enough respect for Tony that he didn’t call him Mr. Stark.
“FRI, where’s Harley?” Tony asked the AI. Maybe his other kid could help him understand why Pete blew up.
“They are on their way to your location,” the soothing voice responded. “He will be arriving on this floor in two minutes. Shall I let them know you wish to speak with him?”
Tony sighed, getting up to dump out the remnants of the failed lunch with his mentee. “Yeah, do that.”
The elevator dinged and Harley bounded out with a smile. “FRIDAY said you wanted to talk to me?” His smile faded as they noticed Tony sitting with his head in his hands. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Tony raised his head and offered Harley a half-smile. “Hey, kid. I was hoping you could explain something to me.”
Harley took the seat Peter had vacated and looked Tony square in the face. “I’ll do my best. What happened?”
Tony sighed again. “Pete and I had a fight, and I really don’t understand what he was so upset about. I offered to buy him a car since he’s eighteen in a week, just like I did for you. Then he started asking me all these weird questions about the price and how much money I had and stuff, and he seemed angry when I answered. I thought he knew how much money I had, but he said he didn’t. I recommended one of the cheaper cars, too, I don’t understand why he got pissed. Then he told me how he never had any money growing up and he was always taught to hate billionaires, and he ran out. Do you know why he got so upset?”
Harley thought it over for a second and chuckled wryly. “Yeah, Tony, I do. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘there's no such a thing as an ethical billionaire?’”
Tony shook his head.
“Well, I guarantee you that Pete has. I grew up with a single mother that also struggled to make ends meet, and we lived in the middle-of-nowhere Tennessee. I was raised on the ‘eat the rich’ idea myself, but the ethics of wealth is something I’ve put a fair bit of thought into. My guess is that Peter’s struggling a bit with his morals right now, because if he’s never realized how rich you are, like you said, he’s grappling with the morality of being friends with a billionaire.”
“How come you’ve never struggled with this if you know where he’s—?” Tony tried, but Harley cut him off with another, even drier, laugh.
“Oh, I have, believe me. It hit me almost as soon as I met you. I’ve just had more time to get used to it. I’m actually really glad he brought it up, because I’d been meaning to. I just didn’t think you’d ever understand, but the fact that you’re willing to learn now? That speaks volumes. Most people, you gotta understand, can’t quantify just how much a billion is, and I honestly don’t know if you understand. I saw this Tiktok the other day, and I’ll bet you anything Pete’s seen it too, about putting a billion into perspective. The creator talked about how a million seconds is 11 days, while a billion seconds is thirty-one years. I haven’t even been alive for a billion seconds! She also said if you stacked hundred dollar bills to make a million, the stack would only be like 3 and a half feet tall. But if you stacked hundreds to make a billion, it would be over three thousand feet tall. She made a ton of other comparisons, too. Nobody needs that much money, you know?”
Tony nodded slowly. “I think I get it now. It’s like Dolly, right?”
Harley snapped their fingers. “Yes! Dolly Parton is like the only example of an ethical billionaire because she donates so much that it constantly keeps her under the billionaire threshold. So you see the solution to the problem, right?”
Tony smiled. “I do. Thank you, Harley. Which charities do you think I should look into?”
Harley returned the grin. “I can’t tell you what to do, but if you want my recommendation, I’d look into LGBTQ charities first. Since Peter’s trans, he’ll probably appreciate monetary support for those in the community. I can tell you, as someone who’s part of that community, I’d appreciate it. Secondly, I’d go for medical funding. With all that money, you could completely fund the search for stuff like a cure for cancer, malaria, and countless other diseases. You could be a huge step in eradicating homelessness. You could donate to animal shelters. There’s so much you could do with the amount of money you have.”
“Thanks, Harls. How do you think I can go about getting Pete to forgive me?”
“If I were in his shoes, there would be four things you could do to earn my forgiveness. Firstly, like I said, make sizable donations to charities that directly affect his life, like Pride For Youth or other LGBTQ causes. Second, you wanna donate so much that you’re ineligible to be labeled a billionaire. Third, hold a press conference to publicly state your new millionaire status and explain that you never intend to become a billionaire again by continuously donating. That’s the important part. Lastly, after you’ve done all this, go talk to him. I don’t doubt he’ll be thrilled to see you’re trying, and donating makes you ethical. There won’t be as much of a morality problem after you’ve gotten this all done.”
Tony pulled Harley into a hug. “Thanks, kid. I’m gonna get started.”
Harley returned the embrace and then pulled out of it with a goofy two-fingered salute. “You got it, man. Happy to help. I’m gonna go down to Peter’s room, and I’ll tell him what we talked about, and then we’ll tune into the broadcast together. After the conference, you come by his room and y’all can talk. Good?”
Tony nodded, grinning, and pulled out his phone, no doubt looking up charities. Harley took the elevator down to Peter’s floor. They knocked on the door.
“Harley is at your door, Peter,” FRIDAY announced. “Shall I let them in?”
Peter gave the go-ahead and the door unlocked.
Harley pushed open the door to find Peter sitting on the end of his bed with his head in his hands. For a moment, they were struck by the similarities between Tony and Pete, but he shook it off. Now wasn’t the time for that. They sat down next to Peter after a nod of consent, and laid a gentle hand on his back. When he didn’t jump or give any sign that he minded the touch, Harley began to rub their hand in soothing circles.
“Talk to me, Pete,” Harley encouraged gently.
Peter raised his head, tear tracks on his cheeks. “Harley, am I a bad person?”
“No, not at all,” Harley denied instantly. “He talked to me like you said to, you know.”
“And?” Peter’s voice was so hopeful. It made Harley smile. Just like clockwork, his phone lit up with a text from Tony saying he was about to go live. “I think you should turn on the TV.”
The TV flicked on and the channel turned to Tony standing behind a podium on stage. Peter’s attention quickly fixed on the TV.
“I don’t normally do press conferences, as literally everyone here knows,” Tony began, getting a laugh from the crowd. “However, I recently had something brought to my attention by someone I care a great deal about. That something was a phrase. There’s no such thing as an ethical billionaire, he said. After he ran out on me, I asked someone else I care about if they knew what had happened. They explained to me what that phrase meant, and I asked how I can become ethical. He told me to donate a shit ton of money to various charities, so I’d fall short of the billionaire threshold. I did just that. The point of this broadcast is to publicly declare that I am no longer a billionaire, and I never intend to become a billionaire again. No one needs that much money. To all billionaires of the world, take a stand. You can do so much good with the amount of money you have, so why don’t you? Follow the example of the lovely Dolly Parton, like I have. Thank you.”
Tony strode offstage to thunderous applause and Peter looked at Harley with wonder in his eyes after snapping off the TV.
“Harley Keener, you are a miracle worker,” Peter announced. “What did you say to him?”
They smiled. “FRIDAY, can you play the video footage from earlier, starting when I came into the kitchen?”
The TV powered on again and the video began to play. The two kids watched it silently and there was a knock at the door almost immediately after it ended.
“FRIDAY, turn off the TV,” Peter called. “Who’s at the door this time?”
“It is Mr. Stark. Shall I let him in?”
Peter sighed. “Fine.”
“Well that’s my cue to skedaddle. Talk to Tony, okay?” Harley clapped Peter on the shoulder and got up to let Tony in and himself out, hissing “Behave.”