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This ain’t for the best
It was late. For all intents and purposes, Kaoru should be asleep. It was a weeknight and a class night at that. His presentation for his proposed fall show piece was at 9:00 A.M. sharp, and he was set to present first in the class. However, a certain night owl club member was in New York for a conference with one of his business classes and while the two had may no plans prior to this club member’s arrival to the city, Kaoru had stayed up hopeful for some kind of contact or invitation the past three nights. Surely, his friend wouldn’t come to New York without seeing Kaoru even once, right?
So, here he sat, filling his time by getting very ahead in all his classes as well as working on various personal projects. A new dress Haruhi was going to hate, but Tamaki would love, and Kaoru had stitched with his own hands, so Haruhi would ultimately wear it to dinner with the host club anyway. As well as various pieces for himself and Hikaru, and a few things for classmates he liked. He hadn’t made many real friends yet outside acquaintances he sat by in class and went out with on the weekends, so they didn’t have to sneak into the clubs alone. However, he did still have a small group of designated American friends that while he wasn’t super close to them, he did like them more than everyone else in his classes, so that was something. New York could get lonely sometimes without Hikaru or the Host Club.
Just as Kaoru was finally getting ready to call it a night after the tenth needle stabbed into his finger and no word from his friend...
Phone lights up my nightstand in the black.
2:45 A.M. the cool type: Are you awake and otherwise not busy?
Kaoru’s face broke out into a wide grin.
2:45 A.M. Hitachiin Kaoru: awake? yes. busy? not after the millionth stab to my fingers from sewing needles lol
2:47 A.M. the cool type: I’m in town for a conference and have yet to adjust to the time change. There’s a bar in the lobby that won’t card you. I hear they make an excellent cosmopolitan.
2:48 A.M. Hitachiin Kaoru: free cosmos? i'm already outside
2:48 A.M. the cool type: Here’s the address. Tell the doorman my name when you get here.
Kaoru recognized the hotel's name. It was one of several five-star hotels in the area and owned by someone the Ootori group did business with often. Kaoru understood now why they wouldn’t card them. The entire stay was likely complimentary as a favor to a very powerful business partner. Luckily, it was only a ten-minute walk. Something he wouldn’t tell his friend of course because he would immediately insist on sending his driver, especially considering the hour. However, Kaoru had actually grown quite fond of walking in the city, so he slipped on a pair of sneakers and his favorite sweatshirt, not bothering to change out of his sweatpants. It was almost three in the morning after all. And it wasn’t the Met.
Come here, you can meet me in the back.
Kaoru spotted a dark head of hair and glasses immediately when he walked in. Not that it was very difficult considering he was the only one in the hotel bar at 3:00 A.M. on a Thursday night, now technically Friday morning. He was seated in the back corner reading a book.
As Kaoru approached, the man’s eyes looked up to meet him.
“Hello, Kaoru,” he said, the faintest trace of a smile on his face, “Thank you for meeting me on such short notice. And at what I imagine is a rather inconvenient time.”
Kaoru smiled, “Wanna buy me a drink, Kyoya?”
Kyoya waved over the bartender, who was obliged to wait on them considering the man’s last name and the fact that there was nothing else for him to do. “A cosmopolitan for my friend here, please.” He ordered, “And bring a couple extra limes too if you would.”
Kaoru’s smiled widened, “Not only do you remember my favorite drink, but also my love for limes.” He said, “You’re starting to make me feel special.” He joked.
The other man gave him what would appear to be a mildly annoyed look if Kaoru didn’t know him well enough to notice the slightest hint of fondness behind it. It was a look reserved for Tamaki’s dramatics and the twins' schemes and Hani’s sweet tooth. Kyoya often feigned annoyance, but Kaoru knew his friend never did anything that didn’t benefit himself in some way. Thus, he enjoyed the club member’s shenanigans, otherwise he wouldn’t put up with it all or even go along with it half the time.
“Also,” Kaoru said, dragging out the last syllable and stopping the bartender from leaving with a mischievous look, “I am not drinking alone in a hotel bar like a middle-aged divorcée,” he declared, “make it two.”
After the bartender walked away to make their drinks, Kyoya fully set his book to the side. “You know I don’t drink, Kaoru.”
“Psssh,” Kaoru waved him off, “You wouldn’t deny your closest friend and most favorite host club member, would you?” He asked.
Kyoya narrowed his eyes, considering Kaoru who, under the other’s intent gaze, felt his heart rate increase, and decided to ignore it. After a moment, he relaxed back into his seat, apparently accepting his fate. It is notoriously difficult to turn down a Hitachiin. “I’ve never had a cosmopolitan,” he settles on, “I may not even like it.”
“Nonsense,” Kaoru told him as the bartender came back with their drinks, “It’s juice and vodka, what’s not to like?” He asked, bringing the glass to his lips, eyes still on Kyoya.
Just think of the fun things we could do.
Empty glasses littered their little table, both several drinks deep despite Kyoya’s prior insistence that he didn’t drink. However, there were just some things Kaoru was able to pull from Kyoya that no one else could. Not since Tamaki and Haruhi had finally gotten together and Kyoya had become noticeably less affected by his best friend.
Kyoya laughed louder than Kaoru had ever heard from the man before. The other’s cheeks were dusted a slight pink from the alcohol and Kaoru realized he never seen Kyoya even buzzed before, much less the slightly drunk that he definitely was right now. Kaoru was no better, of course, being the one who was making his friend laugh with his story about how one his classmate's pieces almost burned down their classroom after they’d insisted that the lights they put in their skirt were safe, only for the skirt to catch fire in the middle of presenting the piece to the class.
Cause I like you.
Kaoru tried to push down the flutter in his chest at the foreign sound but was failing miserably to do so. He wondered if anyone else had ever heard his friend laugh so openly and loudly before. The twenty-year-old college student had an air of carefreeness that the Hitachiin had never seen in his friend before. Sure, Kyoya had had his brief moments, but more often than not, he kept things close to his chest, even around his closest friends.
In a moment of boldness, Kaoru pulled his phone from his pocket and quickly snapped a photo. Forever capturing his friend’s flushed face, glasses slightly askew, mouth open in an impossibly wide grin – caught mid laugh.
A hand immediately reached out, but Kaoru was faster.
“Do not,” Kyoya giggled (giggled), “Send that to your brother.” He demanded, though still smiling.
Kaoru tapped his chin with his finger, “Hmm. I don’t know, this would make for fantastic blackmail.” He told his friend. Kyoya matched him with a look, and, in a moment of boldness, Kaoru let out his next words rather carelessly with no consideration of their implications. “Don’t worry,” he assured, “This is just for my personal collection.” He told the other, with no care to hide the fondness in his voice.
Is it cool that I said all that?
Kyoya’s laughter died and Kaoru looked up from his phone to find a sober expression on his friend’s face. “It’s late, you should probably head home.” He told him, “You have class in four hours, correct?”
Kaoru tried not to think too deeply about Kyoya’s sudden change or that he remembered his class schedule. Two things that brought forth contradictory feelings.
“Yeah,” he said quietly, “Yeah, no, you’re right, I should head back.” He agreed reluctantly.
Cause I know that it’s delicate.
Isn’t it?
That year, the host club decided they wanted to celebrate New Year’s in New York after Tamaki watched it on TV during their year in Boston and became obsessed with the idea of New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. Now that Kaoru lived in New York, Tamaki used visiting Kaoru as an excuse to convince the rest of the club. He’d tried the year before too, but Kaoru had decided to go home for break instead. This year, however, his family came to New York for Christmas, and Kaoru never had to leave New York. His parents and sister had returned to Japan the day after, but Hikaru stayed with Kaoru through New Year’s.
Kaoru’s entire wardrobe was strewn across his bedroom while Hikaru sat exhausted on his twin’s bed. “The last 37 outfits were just fine!” He groaned, “I don’t see what the big deal is anyway, it's just our friends.”
Kaoru gave Hikaru a pointed look, “Just our friends plus some of my classmates” He corrected.
“Yes, just our friends and like five of your American classmates.” Hikaru rolled his eyes, “But considering you’re gay, I don’t see how their, primarily female, presence is all that important outfit wise.” He argued.
“Since when did I tell you I was gay?” Kaoru asked.
Hikaru shrugged, “My bad – bi?”
“No, you’re right,” Kaoru sighed as he tossed another rejected sweater in his ever-growing pile. “I just didn’t realize it was so obvious.” He said, then began to inspect a pair of corduroys that he ultimately decided did not make the cut.
“You’re my twin brother,” Hikaru stated, “Of course I could tell.”
“Fair enough,’ Kaoru replied simply. Another jacket was thrown to the side.
Kaoru’s phone buzzed and he immediately dropped the vest in his hands to grab it. His body soon deflated, however, when the name in the notification wasn’t the one he was hoping for. Instead, it was some dog meme from Tamaki.
His brother’s eyes narrowed in suspicion at this display from his twin. “What was that?”
“What was what?”
“That!” Hikaru pointed to the other’s phone, “You jumped at your phone as soon as it buzzed and then got that disappointed look on your face when you saw the message!” He accused me.
The other twin turned away and began rummaging through his clothes again, this time less focused. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He insisted.
His brother clicked his tongue, “You can’t lie to me for shit.” He said, then his face broke into a wicked grin, “So, were you hoping for someone special?”
Kaoru’s ears got hot, and he began fidgeting with his hair to cover them. Thankfully, he was very overdue for a cut, so he was able to shield them. “No, I just wanted to make sure no one got like lost or something on their way here.” He lied.
“Kaoru, everyone has been here multiple times.” Hikaru said flatly, then he perked up slightly, “Wait, what about this?” He picked up a deep green cashmere sweater that Kaoru had discarded hours ago.
“Too plain.” He said, “Boring.” He emphasized his statement by sticking his tongue out at the sweater.
Hikaru looked at it for a second, “No, this one's good.” He insisted, “At first glance, it’s simple and casual, yes, but a closer look tells you it's a very well-made cashmere, and the color compliments your hair. It’s like subtle classy.” He explained, “Just wear it with a printed pant or dress it up with accessories.”
Hands grabbed the sweater hesitantly, inspecting it closer, “I guess it does have an effortlessly well-dressed look.” He reasoned, tilting his head slightly, “And it will go perfectly with these,” A pair of brown plaid trousers appeared in his hands, “This,” a simple leather belt hanging a top his mirror, “These,” freshly polished boots, “And something gold,” a drawer was yanked open to reveal neatly organized jewelry from which he selected an assortment of gold pieces and a small pair of hoop earrings to draw attention to his newly(ish) pierced ears (his friends had not seen him since he’d gotten them done two months ago).
“See?” Hikaru sighed in relief, “Not that hard.” He said. Then, continuing his mean streak, “Just tie some of your hair back so we can all see your lovely face and whoever you’re trying to impress will think you look hot and sophisticated.” He grinned.
Kaoru frowned, “I told you, there really is no one.”
“Kaoru, you can tell me if the guy you like is coming too,” Hikaru assured him, “We’ll all hype you up so much he’ll have no choice but to kiss you at midnight or whatever.”
Kaoru huffed, “There is no guy.” He told him. “Seriously.”
Kaoru’s phone buzzed again, only this time it was exactly who he’d hoped for.
6:43 P.M. the cool type: I know your party doesn’t start until 10 P.M., but can I please come early? Tamaki is currently on hour 3 of describing his grand “most romantic New Year’s kiss ever” plan for Haruhi and I am beginning to lose my sanity.
Trying and failing to hide his satisfied smile at both the sender and the request, Kaoru quickly turned away from Hikaru.
6:47 P.M. Hitachiin Kaoru: wdym? that sounds delightful. you should hear him out til the end.
He snickered at his message and Hikaru jumped up and tried to read over Kaoru’s shoulder, “Hey! I wanna know what this hot guy is texting you!”
Pushing his twin away, Kaoru glared, “How would you even know if he’s hot?” He asked, annoyed and face hot, “Don’t you like women?”
“Yes, but even so, us Hitachiins have good taste.” Hikaru declared, “So, he’s gotta be hot to people who, you know, are attracted to guys.” He reasoned.
6:47 P.M. the cool type: Very funny. I will be there in 20.
Third floor on the West Side, me and you.
Kaoru heard the door click and quickly collected himself.
“I thought I’d find you out here.” A cool voice said from behind him. His heart rate picked up much to his distress as his body became warmer all over. He decided to blame it on the champagne.
“Just getting some fresh air,” He sighed, turning away from the balcony to face his friend.
Handsome, you’re a mansion with a view.
Kyoya’s hair was swept from the slight breeze blowing on the balcony and Kaoru took in the sight of him. A simple turtleneck and slacks with a sensible peacoat and the scarf Kaoru got him for Christmas. It truly shouldn’t have been anything special, but the younger felt breathless at the sight. When did Kyoya become someone Kouru got flustered around instead of someone he and his brother loved to pester?
"Are you okay?” He asked Kaoru politely.
The other sighed, “Yeah, I just got a little overstimulated I think.” he explained, “We can go inside now though, it’s cold.”
A coat and scarf were suddenly draped around him.
“It’s okay if you want to stay out here a little longer.”
Do the girls back home touch you like I do?
Warm fingers gently touched his neck, “Your heart rate is still quite high. You should let your body calm down more before you go back to the party.”
"But it’s almost midnight.”
Inside, voices began chanting “10! 9! 8! 7!”
“I don’t mind if you don’t.” His friend’s voice assured him more warmly than he was used to hearing from friends. Deft fingers drifted up to grab a lock of overgrown hair, “Your hair looks nice like this by the way.” They wandered further up to his ear, “These look quite nice as well in case no one else has noticed yet.”
No one else had. Kaoru’s breath caught in his throat at his friend’s proximity, and his skin was on fire from the gentle contact.
Kaoru felt himself starting to lean forward.
“3! 2! 1!”
The scarf was quickly and gently wrapped around Kaoru’s nose and mouth. “You don’t want to catch a cold.”
“Happy New Year!”
Kaoru’s blood ran cold despite the layers he was now wrapped in, realizing what he had been about to do.
“Happy New Year, Kaoru.” Kyoya said softly, slender fingers smoothing down his scarf and coat on Kaoru’s body.
“Kyoya, I-”
“Just take a few more minutes to calm down and I’ll be inside when you’re ready.” He instructed, stepping back to return to the party.
Stay here, honey, I don’t wanna share.
Kaoru’s hand reached out to stop him. Another breeze swept through them as they held each other’s gaze for a brief moment. Kaoru thought he saw a flicker of something in Kyoya’s eyes and he tried desperately to cling to it with his own.
Kyoya looked at his own coat and scarf that he had placed on his friend with an expression Kaoru found difficult to read. “It’s cold,” he said.
Kaoru let go as he heard his words echoed back to him.
Isn’t it delicate?
Bali was beautiful at this time of year, and the host club had rented out a rather sizeable condo on the beach for their annual host club summer vacation. Hikaru and Kaoru, in a show of growth and maturity, had elected to stay in different rooms and Kaoru would be lying if he said he wasn’t starting to feel just a little lonely. Sure, he was alone in his apartment in New York, but he and Hikaru always shared a room on group trips and whenever they visited each other.
It was late, much later than any of his friends would normally be awake. Except for one. One that he knew was just on the other side of the wall his bed currently sat against. He did his best to ignore this and turned off the light, resolving at least to try to go to sleep.
After what felt like hours of tossing and turning and throwing the blankets off just to pull them back on, Kaoru let out a groan. Sitting up, his eyes slowly drifted to the wall separating him and the subject of a majority of his day-to-day thoughts and nightly dreams. He slowly reached a hand out.
Sometimes I wonder when you sleep,
Knock. Knock.
He waited. A moment. Then two. Then he gave up and plopped back down in his bed with a sigh.
Knock. Knock.
Kaoru shot up in bed immediately to stare at the wall. It had been soft, a little faint, but he’d heard it. Kyoya had knocked back. He wondered what he was supposed to do next. Did he text him? Call him? Get up and knock on Kyoya’s door? Would Kyoya get up and come to Kaoru’s door?
He waited with bated breath for several minutes, waiting for something to happen.
Nothing did.
Surprisingly, he felt a yawn come up his throat and a drowsiness he’d not felt earlier. Accepting his fate, Kaoru laid back down and placed a hand on the wall, falling asleep easily.
Are you ever dreaming of me?
They’re on the balcony again. New Years seven months ago.
"But it’s almost midnight.”
Inside, voices began chanting “10! 9! 8! 7!”
“I don’t mind if you don’t.” His friend’s voice assured him more warmly than he was used to hearing from friends. Deft fingers drifted up to grab a lock of overgrown hair, “Your hair looks nice like this by the way.” They wandered further up to his ear, “These look quite nice as well in case no one else has noticed yet.”
No one else had. Kaoru’s breath caught in his throat at his friend’s proximity, and his skin was on fire from the gentle contact.
Kaoru felt himself starting to lean forward.
“3! 2! 1!”
And no one stops him.
“Happy New Year!”
Kaoru wakes with a gasp. His fingers reach up to touch his lips and what had felt so real just moments ago is proven nothing by the coldness he feels on contact.
“Get a fucking grip, Kaoru.” He whispers into the dark room.
He looks at the wall separating them and hesitates.
Knock. Knock.
He waits. A moment. Then two. Then ten minutes go by in lonely silence. Finally, he lays back down to sleep.
Just as he’s drifting off again, he hears the faintest sound.
Knock. Knock.
But it must have just been a dream.
Sometimes when I look into your eyes,
Kyoya was in New York again. Specifically, he was standing outside Kaoru’s apartment with an expensive looking bouquet of flowers.
“I-” Kaoru started, eyes glued to the no doubt hundreds to maybe even a thousand plus dollar bouquet in his friend’s hand, “What are you doing here?” He asked, confused, “Not that you’re not welcome here of course. It’s just that I wasn’t expecting you and currently my apartment is a mess and-”
“I saw your name on the list of presenters at the Young Designers of the Future Conference next week and wondered why you’d failed to mention this to any of your friends.” Kyoya interrupted, “And these are to congratulate you of course.” He said, offering up the bouquet.
Kaoru accepted them and stepped aside, gesturing his friend to come inside, “Honestly?” He asked, “I’m so nervous about the whole thing that I was gonna wait until the day before so no one would have time to come.”
Kyoya frowned, “Well, your plan was already flawed considering you are aware I’m in Boston again for the year.”
The other man tilted his head slightly in question. Though, he already felt a heat in his chest at the implication of his friend’s statement. “What? Don’t tell me you would have hopped on the late train just to see me give a silly talk for ten minutes.” He laughed.
The frown deepened, “Of course I would have.” Kyoya stated simply.
A heavy silence fell between them as they shared a look that neither man was quite sure they fully understood.
Kyoya cleared his throat, “And Tamaki, and the rest of our friends I’m sure, would just be beside themselves if they missed it.” He explained coolly, downplaying his previous statement. “You know how our friends are.”
Kaoru sighed, “I know,” He accepted, defeated, “It was unfair of me. I would be pissed if it was anyone else.”
“Exactly,” Kyoya replied, picking Kaoru’s phone up off the counter and handing it to him. “And anyway, since when is a Hitachiin nervous about anything?”
Its owner knew exactly what Kyoya meant by this gesture and a moment later the other man’s phone buzzed with a group text from Kaoru to all their friends about his presentation.
Kaoru then went to retrieve a vase from his kitchen for the very nice flowers his fellow host club member had brought with him. Scissors in hand, he trimmed each stem carefully and arranged them in the glass. Kyoya watched silently, a comfortable silence this time, as his fingers worked.
“So,” the younger began, breaking the silence, “How did you even know I was presenting?’ He asked, “I don’t remember even mentioning applying.”
Kyoya got that glint his eye he always got when he knew he’d been caught spying or otherwise manipulating the situation. It was his own air and brand of mischief unique to him and part of what made Kaoru gravitate towards him. It was his own way of showing that he cares. Keeping egregiously detailed tabs on all his friends and always subtly convincing them to do the right thing while making them think it was their idea the whole time.
“My best friend is in fashion, of course I keep up with the fashion world.” He answered casually, as if it were the most normal thing in the world and as if he hadn’t just referred to Kaoru as his best friend.
I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time.
Kaoru had yanked the other into a tight hug before his brain even registered what he was doing. Kyoya stumbled slightly in surprise, but his arms eventually wrapped around Kaoru’s body in return.
“Thank you,” Kaoru said softly in his ear.
“For what?” Kyoya murmured.
“Caring so much.”
Cause I like you.
The conference went even better than Kaoru had imagined it would be, and with his friends in the audience, he completely forgot what he’d even been nervous about in the first place. The Host Club had all shown up in some sort of piece that Kaoru had made each of them and sat through his fifteen minutes of experimental draping with smiles on their faces as if they all shared a genuine interest in what he had to say. Which, of course, knew most of them did not care about the subject matter in the slightest.
Tamaki brought flowers, which Kaoru had insisted were too much (they really were a gaudy bunch of roses with glitter sprayed all over that Haruhi had tried but ultimately failed to talk him out of). Meanwhile, Hani brought an assortment of sweet cakes to share with the club (he ate most of them) and everyone else’s presence was more than enough of a gift in itself.
It was times like these that Kaoru was reminded just how much he missed his friends and his home back in Japan. Feeling a pressure building behind his eyes as his friends sang his praises and argued over where they were going for their celebratory lunch, Kaoru excused himself, offering an excuse of collecting his fabrics and sewing kit that he’d left behind in one the presentation rooms.
Slipping into an empty room down a random hall, Kaoru plopped into the nearest chair and let out a long sigh. His cheeks felt wet and when he leaned his head back and smiled to himself. It was a bittersweet feeling of a combined happiness at the situation he found himself in, and a yearning it brought him to go back how things used to be. Though their host club days were several years behind them now.
“You’re lucky no one else noticed your sewing bag already on your arm, else you’d have Tamaki fawning over you right now.”
Kaoru jumped and snapped his head in the direction of the voice that had just joined him. Kyoya smiled back at him, half amusement, half mild concern.
“Don’t sneak up on me like that, Kyoya,” Kaoru whined, “You scared me.”
Kyoya moved to sit next to Kaoru and slowly reached a hand toward him, giving Kaoru the chance to stop him if he wanted to. He didn’t want to, of course, so he didn’t stop him. Gentle fingers brushed the warm tears off Kaoru’s cheeks and then patted his head softly.
“You did great today, Kaoru,” he assured, “It’s alright.”
Kaoru took a deep breath, then exhaled. “I know,” he said quietly.
The hand moved down the back of Kaoru’s head to rest in the crook of his neck. “Then what is it?” His friend asked. “You don’t have to eat wherever Tamaki picks, you know,” he joked, “Or Hikaru,” he added. Then, after a moment, “Or Hani,” he added.
Kaoru laughed, a wet sort of sound, and Kyoya gave a rare smile that Kaoru rarely ever saw except for their brief moments like these.
“I just...” He trailed off at first, going silent again.
His friend waited patiently, watching him, analyzing whatever expression Kaoru imagined might be on his face.
Kaoru took another deep breath, “It’s just that seeing everyone here,” he began to explain, “Acting just like they used to, just how I remember. It makes me so, so happy.” He laughed, “And so fucking sad at the same time.” He finally admitted.
“Sad?” Kyoya asked, head tilted ever so slightly.
“Yes,” He answered, “Sad. Because I realize just how much I fucking miss everyone. How much I miss Japan. I love New York, don’t get me wrong. I love my classes, and I have even managed to make some friends here, too. But every time we’re all together, I just want to book the next flight home.” Kaoru let out a sigh of relief, having finally gotten what he’d been holding in for the past year off his chest.
The other offered a knowing smile, small, and just barely reaching the eyes. “I get what you mean.” He responded.
Kaoru’s eyes shot up to meet Kyoya’s fully. “What?”
He laughed, “I said I get what you mean,” Kyoya repeated, “I’ve only been alone in Boston for a few months now and while I thought I would relish in the space, in the quiet and solitude – I actually find myself missing the noise and the ridiculousness of our friends most days.” He explained.
“Well,” Kaoru said, temporarily at a loss of words. This is never for long, of course, for a Hitachiin, “You know, if you ever feel lonely and needing an annoyance, I’m only a four-and-a-half-hour train ride away.” He smiled mischievously.
Kyoya watched the younger for a moment. “The same is extended to you as well, Kaoru.” He said, “Always.”
Something shifted in the air between them. Kaoru was sure of it.
Cause I like you.
“Kyoya, I-”
“We should head back to the others before they start to worry.” Kyoya interrupted.
Kaoru couldn’t help but think how it all felt so familiar. The casual intimacy leading to an almost something more, only to be brought to a screeching halt by the other man. No matter how he tried to advance whatever was going on between them, Kyoya always stopped Kaoru before anything real could happen. Always stopped him while there was still plausible deniability that Kyoya knew where the moment was leading at all.
He felt crazy.
He wasn’t crazy.
He knew he wasn’t crazy.
“Let them worry.” Kaoru said, stopping Kyoya from moving away.
Kyoya’s eyes drifting down to where Kaoru’s hand held firmly onto Kyoya’s sleeve, pulling him back down. “Kaoru, what are you-”
“Don’t asked me what I’m doing like you don’t know very well what I want to do.” He demanded.
His friend let out a sigh and looked away, avoiding Kaoru’s eyes.
This is new. Kaoru thought. Kyoya doesn’t shy away; he makes others look away first. Not him.
“Stop treating me like some situation you don’t want to handle.”
“Kaoru, you know that’s not it.” Kyoya insisted.
“Then what is it?” Kaoru asked, “Because to be honest, you’ve made me feel more than a little crazy for about a year now.”
Kyoya’s mouth formed a thin line in frustration. “Kaoru, you know I consider you a very dear friend.” He said, “And the host club is like family to me – don’t tell Tamaki I said that – I’m happy with this. I’m happy knowing these things. I’m satisfied with these things,” he told him carefully. “Aren’t you?” He asked his friend, almost pleadingly.
Kaoru scoffed, “Of course not, I’m a Hitachiin!” He exclaimed. “And even if I wasn’t, how could any normal person be satisfied with that?”
“I didn’t imagine you to ever concern yourself with what is considered normal, Kaoru.” Kyoya answered coolly.
Kaoru scowled, “And you’re deflecting. Again.”
Kyoya made to pull away again, “Tamaki and Hikaru are definitely worrying by now.” He said absently.
“Kyoya,” Kaoru stopped him again, “Don’t do this. Stop avoiding it. Avoiding us.”
“There is no us,” Kyoya said, sounding pained, “I can’t give you what you want Kaoru, so just move on and forget about whatever you think is going on.” He told him, “Please.”
“How do you know what I want?” The other asked, annoyed.
“Because you’re you!” Kyoya let out, shocked by his own outburst. He took a breath and was silent for a moment. “Because you’re you, Kaoru Hitachiin. Because you believe in living freely and you will want to be with someone openly and freely. You should be with someone openly and freely. And I can’t give you that.” He finished.
Kaoru was silent.
Outside, they could hear the sounds of students and professional designers milling about the still ongoing convention. Inside their room, however, there was nothing but the sound of two friends’ breathing.
Kyoya moved to leave again.
“And why won’t you?” Kaoru whispered.
Kyoya stopped himself this time, hesitating.
“Why won’t you?” He asked a little louder.
“You know I’ve had my life planned out for longer than you’ve known me.” His friend said.
Kaoru looked away, “Yeah, and I guess Kaoru Hitachiin doesn’t fit in there anywhere, does he?”
Kyoya frowned.
“I just wish that if I didn’t fit into those plans, that you wouldn’t call me late at night.” He said, “I wish that you wouldn’t ask me to come meet you at a stupid hotel bar at three a.m. on a weeknight.” Kaoru said more angrily, “I wish that you didn’t give me your coat and touch my hair alone on my balcony at New Year’s! I wish you didn’t show up unannounced at my fucking door with a frankly insane bouquet of flowers to congratulate me on something you only know because you keep tabs on everything in my life like a god damn stalker!” He was yelling now, shoving Kyoya, “I wish you would stop openly caring about me if you apparently can’t openly be with me cause of some bullshit life plan you made when you were 12!” Kaoru felt himself stumble with the force in which he shoved Kyoya.
Kyoya stumbled from Kaoru’s actions and then stood silently for a moment, watching Kaoru.
“Do you feel better now?”
“Fuck you, Ootori.”
“That’s fair.”
“Look, just,” Kaoru took a breath, “Just leave me alone from now on – okay?” He said, “We can be friendly around our friends, but I can’t do this anymore. It hurts me too much.”
Kaoru stood to leave now. Only Kyoya was the one to stop him this time.
“Kaoru,” he said quietly, “Please understand.”
Brown eyes narrowed in silent dissent.
Kyoya huffed and ran his fingers through his hair, an act of frustration and discomfort that Kaoru was not used to seeing on him.
“My family-” he hesitated, “My family would not be kind to you.”
Kyoya’s eyes searched Kaoru’s desperately – wanting both for Kaoru’s continued participation in this dance of theirs and an acceptance that this was all they could ever be. Two friends caught in the delicate balance of love and familial obligation.
The younger was silent.
Kaoru experienced many emotions at that moment.
Anger continued to win out.
“You’ve led me on for the better part of a year with no follow through because...because you don’t think daddy will approve?” Kaoru nearly shrieked. “Your father hasn’t approved of anything you’ve ever done in your life!”
Kyoya took off his glasses to rub his face in frustration. Kauro watched as he cleaned them, took a deep breath, and put them back on again. “Yes, as the youngest son, my father is no longer impressed by most achievements, and he was certainly not pleased by my participation in the Host Club. Nor was he jumping for joy at my decision to go to school over 10,000 kilometers away.” He agreed, “Thank you for reminding me.”
Clearing his throat, he continued, “Anyway, it’s not that I’m worried about my father’s disapproval and treatment of me.” He told him.
Kaoru watched his friend for a moment, putting together the pieces he had been giving before speaking again. “So,” he began slowly, “You’re not worried that he’ll disapprove of you,” he clarified, “you’re worried he will disapprove of me. Specifically.” There was no need to word his conclusion as a question. He had spent enough time around Kyoya talking in circles and deciphering his every word and expression to know he’d come to the correct one.
A sad sort of look confirmed this as such.
“I have hesitated to subject you to the cruelty my father, and the rest of my family for that matter, can and will display when they find a situation beneath them.” Kyoya explained, “I had hoped that in my efforts to prevent anything real from happening between us, that eventually you would move on.”
Kaoru laughed, something bitter sounding, “You’re such a fucking idiot, Kyoya.”
“I know.”
“All this time, you’ve stopped me because you were afraid your father was going to be mean to me!” This time when Kaoru laughed, it was genuine and hysteric, and he clutched his sides as he doubled over.
Kyoya watched the other laugh for a long moment until he couldn’t help but join – the sound becoming contagious.
“I suppose it does sound kind of ridiculous when you put it like that.” He struggled to get out between laughs.
“Insane!”
“Absolutely absurd!”
“Like I would even give a shit if Yoshio or Yuuichi or Akito Ootori like me!”
Any outsider passing by the door would have thought the two men had lost their minds. Both now in tears from laughter in the otherwise empty room.
“Kyoya, I love you!” Kaoru laughed out, “I am in love with you! No amount of anyone being mean to me is going to change that. And we all know you’re going to far surpass all of them anyway, so who cares!”
Is it cool that I said all that?
It didn’t feel anything like his dream when Kyoya Ootori’s lips finally met his.
No, this was so much better, Kaoru decided.
They were warm, and the action made his entire body tingle, spreading through to his fingertips. Hands gently held his face as his friend’s lips pressed against his own. Kaoru savored the feeling for several seconds until he remembered to move his too.
Kyoya tasted divine. He couldn’t believe they had spent the past year avoiding doing exactly this. Soft lips pressed harder against his, and he pushed back, opening his mouth to deepen the kiss. Teeth clashed, and he wasn’t sure he knew whose tongue was whose anymore with how close they had become in almost every sense of the word. He soon found himself against the wall, Kyoya using the leverage to push his body more firmly against Kaoru’s. A tug on his newly grown out hair elicited a noise from his mouth that he barely registered as coming from himself and he quickly dug his hands in dark hair to discover what noises he could get from the other man.
A phone rang, shrill in quiet room.
“God damn it all,” Kyoya whispered, pulling away to catch his breath.
Kaoru watched him, equally as breathless, chest rising and falling rapidly. His eyes darted down to where Kyoya had pulled out his phone, looking at the caller ID which clearly displayed a certain blond man’s face. “You gonna answer that?” He asked, eyes moving back up to Kyoya’s own blown out pupils.
“I told you they’d be worried.”
Then he did something Kaoru did not expect – he rejected the call and pocketed his cell phone once more.
“They can wait a few more minutes.” Kyoya grinned.
Cause I know that it’s delicate.
Kaoru grinned back.
Isn’t it?