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"Hello, ladies. Are all of you ladies?" Adam said, rolling a horned helmet around in his hands.
"Good luck," said an ancient angel, vanishing in a puff of cloud and feathers.
The row of exorcists glanced at each other, blinking absently. The single outlier spoke up, planting herself right in front of Adam. "Who are you?" she snarled.
"Adam. First man."
"You're a winner?"
"Not sure, honestly," Adam said, inspecting his mostly human appearance. "They say I could be an archangel one day, for what it's worth."
"How—"
"I mean I've been in Heaven for… woof… five thousand years now? Sometimes it's hard to remember how I got here." Adam circled the outlier, inspecting the weird black-and-white angel. Even her halo was the wrong color. He placed his helmet on. It was surprisingly easy to see out of. "Anyway, the council says I need something to fill my active mind. Their words, not mine. So they put me in charge of you exorcists." He finished his inspection, stopping where he started. "This might be some good fun."
The outlier glared at him. "We don't do fun."
"Then what do you do?" He snickered. "You're in Heaven, aren't you?"
"We train. We prepare. We fight. This is all we were created for."
"You sound like my son. Boring. Don't worry, I'll help you fix that. What's your name by the way?"
The outlier tilted her head. "Name? I am your Lieutenant."
"That's not a name," Adam said, waving his hand over the line of angels. "Do none of you have names?"
A couple exorcists looked at each other. One raised her spear, pointing to a bit of text carved into it. "I'm Spear Number 5."
Another did the same with her sword. "And I'm Sword Number 8."
"No, no, no, no," Adam repeated, his voice shrinking to a whisper. He tried to rub his temples, hitting his helmet unintentionally. "Oh boy, this is like when I found out why our high seraphim is named Sera." He straightened himself out and pointed a finger at the lieutenant. "Okay. You're Lute."
Lute scoffed, unsure what this asinine concept was. "Why do I need a—"
Adam giggled, a terrible idea going right to his head. "Okay, okay. So," he pointed to the first exorcist in the line, "you're Boobs," then the next, walking now, "and you're Tits. You're Pussy. And… Wow." He leaned backwards, glancing down the line of them. "There really are a lot of you. I'll continue alphabetically."
The exorcist standing in front of him scratched its mask. "Is my name Wow? Or—"
"Sure, whatever," Adam interrupted.
A thousand names later…
"…Urge, Union, Utz, uh… shit those weren't in order." He groaned. "You three just talk to your neighbors after we're done and reorder yourselves, thanks."
The exorcist he stopped at raised a hand.
"No, no, I'm still thinking."
"That's not why I raised—"
Adam thought. "Okay. You're Vagina."
The exorcist scowled. "That's stupid."
"Yeah that's the point." He stepped away, mumbling, "Vee…vee… What else is a vee word?"
"Oh, I know!" a shorter exorcist said, next in line.
"What?" Adam turned. "This is new."
"I'll be Vulva."
Adam blinked. "Why the fuck do you know that?" He breathed. "Moving on…"
"…Wanker, Wedgie, Willie…"
"…uh… Xeric? Shit, I'm grasping at straws here. Okay. Zami, Zesty, and… Zephyr. Wait, you last two, swap places." The two angels did so, confused.
Conveniently, Adam had reached the end of the row. He sighed. "Whoo. That was a lot of names. Reminds me of Eden, eh?" He nudged Zephyr, who seemed to be quite happy with her name. "But Eve never let me pick anything cool. She said I had to think about it and stuff."
"Sir?" One of the exorcists some ten earlier was waving her hand.
"What?" Adam flew over, trying to remember which one this was. "Uh… Vagina, right?"
"Yes, I hate it."
"So you're straight?" He chuckled. "You walked right into that one!"
She skipped the question. "Zephyr, Xeric, those are great names."
"I was running out of good ones, I know."
She growled.
"I'll tell you what, why don't we change it up. Just a little different so the alphabetical order still works, but mostly the same because it's awesome. Hm. I think I'll get something." He tapped his chin. "Like a nickname. You start with Vagina and mix up some letters. Hey, the rest of you could do this too if you didn't like the amazing names I gave you."
The exorcist didn't have any better ideas, so she slumped her shoulders and let Adam continue.
"Vaggie. You're Vaggie. There we go." He patted her on the head as she crossed her arms.
"Sir?" Zephyr said, leaning out of line.
"Oh, what now? I thought you liked your name?" He fluttered over.
"I do, Sir, but…" She stepped to the side. There was another row of exorcists behind her. One of them stepped aside. There was another yet. Then again, again… and again.
"Oh boy." He laughed heartily, planting a hand on his mask. "Well, I've got nothing better to do." There was a tap on his shoulder and he whirled to find out who it was.
Lute said, "Where the fuck is Y?"