Chapter Text
Zayn sits in the comfortable plush chair with a pillow in his lap and his legs curled under him and he’s staring at the bright blue eyes of his therapist, Jennifer. Her blonde hair cascades down her slim shoulders and her frames are resting comfortably on the tip of her nose. Zayn looks around the office, taking it in and he wonders if he’ll be back. He’s grown to love and dread this office in the long run, with its Febreeze and natural pine smell because Jennifer always has the windows up, the kisses in the little glass bowl that Zayn would take every now and again just to occupy his mouth so he wouldn’t have to actually speak. Jennifer too, he’s grown accustomed to her and her motherly tone and her patience.
“So Zayn… it’s your last day here. How do you feel?” Jennifer finally asks him after extended silence and Zayn meets her electrifying blue eyes and he smiles. It’s small and it hurts a bit to do it because he doesn’t really know how he’ll feel… free (not so much).
“Better… I guess.” Zayn says a bit and he’s scared, that’s it. It’s been a whole year since everything broke down and Zayn almost died, since Harry and Louis were sobbing out his name. It’s been a whole year since he saw Niall and his watery blue eyes sitting in the hospital room with him asking,
“Zayn… why would you do this?” It’s been a year and Zayn’s scared alright. He’s scared that his friends will surely forget about him and he knows it’s a ridiculous thought because they’ve been visiting him all the time and they always talk about how much they miss him but maybe they realize Zayn is a nut job. He takes in a deep breath,
“What do you feel Zayn, tell me.” Jennifer says and Zayn reaches over taking a kiss and unwrapping the silver wrapper slowly. He bites his lip,
“I guess I’m scared basically. What if they… don’t like me anymore, what if everything has changed?” Zayn questions and then he laughs, “I know it’s stupid to think that because they’ve talked to me basically everyday but I don’t know about anything anymore.” Zayn says and Jennifer gives him a small smile,
“It’s okay to be scared Zayn, I mean it’s been a whole year and look where you are now. I mean in the beginning you refused to speak to me and now look at you, I think that you’ve made progress and on the topic of your friends it’s not stupid to think that. You just have to go in there with a positive mind set and know that if you guys do have a falling out it’s not your fault and it’s not the end of the world.” Jennifer says and Zayn nods,
“I guess you’re right. Thanks.” Zayn says giving her a small smile. That’s how it usually is now that he’s comfortable with her, she’ll say something and it’s not philosophical or anything but it’s simple and she understands him. That’s what he’s always wanted and always needed. Jennifer smiles back at him,
“So what do you plan on doing? You are going to be staying with Harry in London right?” She asks and he nods,
“Yeah I am. Uhm I don’t really have a plan yet I just… I want to start drawing again.” Zayn admits and he knows his face heats up but he has a darker skin complexion so his blush is not noticeable.
“That’s good Zayn, very good actually.” She says and he takes another kiss and eats it,
“Thanks.” He says and she smiles at him. They both sit there in silence for a bit more and then the ringer is sounding and it’s like Zayn can feel it in his bones that this is it, this is him walking out of the rehabilitation center and promising to get better. This is him finding it in himself to be something more that another statistic. He pushes out of his chair and Jennifer does the same too and her with her blonde hair and professional suit and soft armor hugs him and he’s never had a mother like figure before so he hugs her back tightly and he doesn’t want to let go,
“Thank you Jennifer, so much.” He says and his emotions are showing through and he thinks a year ago he’d have all these walls built up and he still does but while a year ago they were brick walls they are now cinderblocks.
“Don’t thank me Zayn, this was all you.” She says and then they’re pulling away and Zayn wipes at his eyes and he looks away from her. She smiles, “Now don’t forget to call me every week so I can track how you’re doing but if something happens before then and you need someone to desperately speak too I’m right here. Take your anti-depressants and just remember Zayn… stay strong.” And the phrase is so clichéd and overdone but Zayn is happy she’s said it because that means he was already strong to begin with and he’s never thought of himself that way. He smiles again,
“Thank you.” And then she’s leading him out, both of them walking together soft and comfortably.
~
Zayn has all his bags packed and he’s in the lobby waiting for Harry. He watches as other patients bustle around and there is soft laughter in the place and when Zayn had first came to Neumann Springs Rehabilitation Center he had thought that it was full of maniacs and crazies but there were people just like him, suffering through depression and self-harm and dealing with it one step at a time. While Zayn waits he looks down at his long sleeved shirt and ever so slowly he lifts the sleeves up and he stares at his wrist, mostly his left one.
They’re faded and oh so old but he sees them, the methodical way they are cut. He knows the deeper ones and it’s like these right here, these scars that litter his wrist they’re his stories and he knows he’s not completely fixed but it’s like… this is what makes him… him. There will be tough days and they’ll seem dreary and gray over the backdrop of rainbows dripping down a worn canvas but he’ll be better… even if it kills him.
“Hey.” He hears and he doesn’t even startle because he know his best mates voice. He does look up though and he meets Harry’s green eyes. So familiar that it makes Zayn ache and he’s so happy for that, so happy for Harry and so happy for himself.
“Hi.” Zayn says and then he’s standing up, walking over to Katherine the sign-out sheet lady at the front desk. She hands him the paper quietly and he signs his name and he doesn’t dwell on it as Harry grabs his bag and silently they both walk out the door walking to Harry’s old beat up truck.
Harry loads his bags while Zayn goes to sit shotgun and when Harry returns everything is silence. Zayn expects the car to start but Harry reaches over and he grabs him in a hard hug and Zayn clings to him too, to the smell of apple shampoo and detergent. Cinnamon is mixed in there too and it’s so Harry and it’s so beautiful and Zayn thinks that maybe everything will be alright.
“I’m so happy you’re back Zayn like god you don’t understand.” Harry says into his ears and Zayn nods,
“Yeah, I’m happy to be back.” And the most beautiful thing about that moment, about that hot afternoon on June 19th 2014 in front of the rehab center and the world moving a bit too fast and Zayn losing his footing is that Zayn truly means it. He’s so happy to be back.
Harry pulls away and wipes at his eyes. It takes a few tries for the old truck to start and Zayn rests his head on the window and he closes his eyes, the Lumineers start playing and Zayn listens to the soft crooning of voices in his ear and not his head.
Slow it down, Angie come back to bed rest your arms, and rest your legs.
~
Harry’s flat in London is not huge and it’s not too small either, he shares it with his boyfriend Louis another one of Zayn’s best friends. Zayn remembers when Harry got the flat he was 18 and both him and Louis were more crazy about each other then they are now, both of them extremely happy and Zayn remembers him, Niall, Perrie, Leigh, Jade and Jesy at the housewarming get together.
Zayn remembers looking at Harry and Louis and Niall and Leigh because they were so in love and Zayn… Zayn had nobody. Zayn remembers hating himself, he remembers wanting someone to love him but thinking that nobody would ever because nobody likes someone who has these scars that take up half their arm and these emotions that don’t seem to fit right under his cold and hard exterior. Zayn remembers Perrie holding his hand but it was platonic because he was gay and he had admitted to her with tears in his eyes because growing up with a strict Muslim father who wanted a strict Muslim son to marry a strict Muslim wife and have strict Muslin children with said wife did that to a person. Zayn had never wanted to disappoint his father, never wanted to be a sinner.
He remembers getting home and stumbling into the bathroom and slicing his russet skin, folding in on himself on the bathroom floor and he remembers waking up to Waliyah screaming,
“Zayn get out of the bathroom, I need to pee!”
Zayn snaps out of his thoughts when Harry slams the car door as he steps out and Zayn follows his lead. He walks to the back of the truck as he helps Harry with the bags and then both of them are silently walking up the stairs; neither of them know what to say. Zayn wants to apologize but he’s done enough of that to last a lifetime.
When Harry opens the door nobody is jumping up and screaming, “surprise” but his friends are all there. Sitting on Harry’s couch watching TV and laughing silently to themselves and when Harry and Zayn step inside and Harry closes the door they all turn their heads and Zayn sees Perrie with her purple hair, Jade with her smile, Leigh and Niall sitting with hands intertwined, Jesy on the ground with a pillow in her lap, Louis cooking in the kitchen and there’s an unknown boy there too and Zayn thinks… oh? Because the boy has big brown eyes and short brown hair and he looks so innocent but he has these broad shoulders and these hands that Zayn want to hold.
Zayn closes his eyes and then he says,
“Hi everyone.” And that breaks the ice because everyone is flinging themselves at him and Perrie doesn’t let go, she holds on for dear life and she sobs and she sobs. Zayn wants to too but he doesn’t he just holds her back,
“Don’t leave ever again Zayn, don’t do it.” She sobs and Zayn holds her back,
“Never.” And he means it.
Leigh, Jade and Jesy all hug him and Leigh says,
“Go on a freaking vacation and not warn us you twat.” She’s grinning but there’s pain in her brown eyes and Zayn kisses her forehead. Niall hugs him like Harry does and Niall isn’t an easy crier, he only cries for things that matter unlike Harry who is super emotional and cries at the drop of a hat so when Niall cries it’s a rare thing.
Niall’s not crying though, just whimpering.
“Never again you asshole, never again.” He whispers.
Then Zayn looks at Louis who’s still in the kitchen and their eyes meet. Zayn watches as Louis, loud and in your face Louis silently walk over to him and clap his shoulder,
“Good to have you back Zayn.” And then he walks away down the hall and he disappears into the room, slamming the door behind him. Zayn just stands there and it’s all so quiet and tense until Harry says,
“Let’s eat everyone.”
The boy’s name is Liam, that’s how Niall introduces him. They’re in uni together and Niall had brought him along. Liam just smiles at him and continues to eat shyly, he’ll talk every now and again but it’s to either Niall or Harry. Zayn doesn’t quite pay much attention though because he’s hoping for Louis to come out of the bedroom but he doesn’t.
Here’s to wishing for you, us, and the pursuit of happiness.