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Limping steps and lingering eyes
“You never scolded me but you never gave me much attention either.”
There's a worm in Seungmin's head that convinces him to keep him to himself and so he does for most of the time. It took him 8 years to let Chan know how he felt. A tiny crumb of the vast amount of his feelings but something's better than nothing.
It took Chan only one sentence to try and understand Seungmin better. He let Seungmin know it wasn't on purpose, he is now more concerned and careful and attentive about Seungmin. And Seungmin felt selfish because his heart felt so happy and ticklish and warm from all the attention. The attention he yearned for through his last teen years till now.
Their schedule is hectic around when Seungmin's ankle gets injured due to practice. All of them are concerned and Seungmin is assured of a good rest and everything is fine. But Chan only checks on him once before he is assisted to see a doctor and then sent straight home. He is restless and impatient alone at home. Felix calls him once, he hears hyunjin ask about him over the phone. Changbin tells him to rest well, jeongin texts him that he, Minho and jisung will go over with Felix for dinner after practice. But his brain trails back to Chan because chan didn’t ask for him or about him.
His conscience feels guilty to ignore the others’ concern and get gloomy just because Chan didn't check on him. When Felix, Jeongin, Minho and jisung come over, he's forcing himself to have fun because they went out of their way after a busy and tiring day to have dinner with him. Despite all, he can't help but think of Chan.
“Chan hyung is still at the company, even hyunjin hyung and changbin hyung just now.” Jeongin says when he gets a text from Changbin. Seungmin's eyes are so visibly curious.
“Changbin hyung texted me to let me know that chan hyung said he'll be late.” He explains and puts down his phone and there's multiple voices in Seungmin's head and he feels like it's going to explode.
You see he’s really busy, he didn't forget you.
He didn't miss informing Jeongin just because he'll be late.
He's really work loaded, it's okay if a thing or two slips his mind.
It's always me who slips his mind.
The trails of thought break from jisung’s whine. “It's one a.m. already. Let's head back.” Minho agrees and they leave. “So, are you gonna stay over?” Felix suggests Jeongin, tidying the table in front. Seungmin is stuck in his brain fog until he hears Chan's name again, he feels pathetic about it.
“I was planning to but Chan hyung just texted me saying he got us ice cream so I'll be hurrying home.” Jeongin grins and makes his way out. And Seungmin really hates how his heart has dropped to his stomach now. He feels boneless and fluid suddenly. He convinces himself it's the hormones being more sensitive due to the pain in his ankle but it doesn't help. He sleeps with loud music on his headphones that night because the voices wouldn't shut up.
~~
He limps his way to practice a few days later. The inflammation isn’t gone yet but it hurts a lot less. His heart feels heavier nonetheless. He doesn’t remember being this fragile before, he blames Chan for it. He blames Chan because he let him know how it feels to have Chan's attention all to himself and then getting busy with everything else but him. When Chan looks at him across the room during break and smiles and mouths asking about his ankle, he feels a lump in his throat. His eyes burn and he is embarrassed to blink it away. He stretches his lips in a thin line, forcing a sheepish smile and nods assuringly.
He craves Chan's lingering touch but he doesn’t want to ask for it. So he waits, for days, weeks.
Changbin’s head is on his thigh and he is looking at seungmin’s sheepish smile, and the lingering gaze. “Seung” he mumbles low enough for seungmin to hear only. “Hm?” he snaps out of his head, bringing his attention to Changbin. “You okay?” Changbin asks even though he knows the answer, he wants seungmin to be verbal, more truthful, less hesitant. “I’d be better if your huge head wasn’t digging holes in my poor thigh.” Seungmin answers after a fraction of a pause that doesn’t miss changbin. He sighs low under his breath and teases seungmin back. For now that’s all he can do because he doesn’t push. And he knows seungmin can’t be pushed.
Jeongin is the one accompanying him the most. He is grateful for him, he loves that jeongin cares, that he’s prioritising him. But chan isn’t, not like he wants him to, he is sure he doesn’t. Maybe his heart does, he hates how confusing his heart is. So he hates his feelings more.
~~
It’s been almost two weeks since the injury, Minho injured himself in between. So the group has two limping mischiefs to take care of and they’re happily helping. Everything is loud and chaotic and everyone’s having fun and seungmin’s gaze keeps lingering it’s way back to chan. They’ve all been so busy to hang out together and he hadn’t had Chan all to himself for so long his bones are being itchy against his flesh. He thinks it’s stupid and embarrassing so he never brings it up to anyone, not even Chan.
His heart is yelling through the chaos of the awards and laughs. It yells louder when chan picks up minho on his back, he drags his steps even slower and changbin accompanies him. His conscience shames him for selfishly wanting Chan's attention and ignoring all of his friends’ care.
For the performance, Seungmin sits down with Minho for most of the part. He hates the hollow in his heart when it’s rigid and refuses to leave no matter what. Minho stares at him when he sits down, extends his hand for seungmin to hold. He stares at the hand and then Minho and he realises Minho can see right through him and he holds his hand, ignoring the lump poking at his throat. Minho doesn’t say anything because that’s how he is, a silent comfort. He’s great at it. He understands well without words included, he helps without words included and he hates how he immediately wants chan to notice too, to know without words like minho, to linger without being asked to.
By the end, all of them crowd around Minho and Seungmin. Chan at Seungmin's feet. And in the midst of all the cheers and shaking chaos, Seungmin's mind chants Chan's name like a mantra. His skin craves, hollers at him to touch the flushed skin of Chan's shoulder that’s dangerously close to his fingers. His ears are ringing at the noise or maybe at the sensation.
He stands up, his ankle shoots a sting at the sudden force, his brain is blurred and he wants Chan to notice. He wants Chan to just look. Most of the group is starting to walk down the stairs. His eyes linger on Chan's back, his legs linger around the chair.
Chan finally looks at him.
The sweat beads are glimmering against his pale skin and his eyes are bright and shining. Chan is glowing. His glow stings seungmin’s eyes and he doesn’t know what tugs at his heart so strong, he’s left breathless.
“Hey, you okay?” chan asks.
My heart hurts. Seungmin’s tongue almost slips but instead he says, “my ankle hurts.”
So chan wordlessly falls to his knees in front of seungmin and tells him, “hop on!” with a grin that almost makes seungmin cry, more because it was for him. He hesitates for half a second before climbing on. Every part of his skin that touches chan burns right away. His skin is ice cold whilst chan’s is like a furnace. He tries to believe his skin burns because Chan is warmer than him but that’s a lie too obvious.
When chan adjusts him, his head voluntarily buries itself into chan’s neck. His breath fans the sweat stuck close to the skin of it. Then there’s the sting in his eyes again, it’s worse now. As in, he might actually cry this time. He tries not to, tells himself it’s stupid and he doesn’t have an excuse. But he realises it’s of no use when he feels drops of tears stream down the side of his face and fall on Chan's soaked shirt.
He notices Chan won’t be able to tell because his shirt is already wet which makes him feel relieved. But a tiny bit of his heart wants Chan to know because he wants his attention. He wants Chan's heart to shrink because of him. He wants Chan to hurt because of him. He wants Chan's eyes to linger on him like his does without a cause or a permission.
He really wants Chan to be his but he won't let himself believe or admit to that.
When they're backstage, there's loud chatter. Multiple voices overlapping each other, known unknown. Chan stills, gesturing the taller baby on his back to slide down.
Seungmin doesn’t. His face is still buried deep in Chan's shoulder. Chan notices seungmin is holding his breath, eerily still. “Hey seung?” he calls low and tries to look at seungmin. Then there’s a shaky breath, one seungmin curses himself to let go of. It’s obvious he’s crying now. Chan’s heart drops, his breath hitches, Seungmin notices the hitch. They’re moving again, Seungmin doesn’t look, he doesn’t dare to.
For the first time in forever, he doesn’t want Chan's attention. Not because he’s upset, but because his heart is loud and rapid right now, drumming through his chest. He knows Chan can feel it. His chest is pressed close and tight against Chan's clothed back. The cloth is wet and chan’s sweat is soaking through seungmin’s shirt and is making it damp and he feels cold. The shivers are hitting his bones directly and he doesn’t know if that’s because of chan as well. He doesn’t know anything, he doesn't know what his heart wants.
Or maybe he does know exactly what he wants but he’s scared because he knows it’s not what Chan wants.
“Yo, is seungmin asleep on your back?” Felix shouts at Chan, grabbing everyone’s eyes on them. “No, he just wants me to take him to the washroom.” Chan adds a chuckle by the end that twirls seungmin’s stomach in every possible way. “Okay princess!” jisung adds before their voices meddle into each other again and the focus is gone. The sound dies down slowly as they reach the washroom and Seungmin still hasn't looked up nor has his tears stopped. They keep leaking out of his eyes against his will like a broken tap. He feels warm from embarrassment. He’s sure it’s from embarrassment.
And then they are in a bathroom stall at the backstage of AAA. Chan settles Seungmin down on the closed toilet seat and he sits on the floor. It’s disgusting to sit on the floor of a public washroom but Seungmin is crying and Chan can hardly think of the floor being dirty or anything else in the world.
Seungmin refuses to look at Chan. His face is red and wet from his tears and embarrassment. His neck hurts from having his head lowered down for so long but he doesn’t dare to look at Chan.
“Baby” chan almost whispers. His voice is like honey and cotton to seungmin’s ears. But it’s also like loud drum rolls and thunders to his heart.
Seungmin doesn’t respond.
“Hey can you at least look at me?” chan sounds soft and vulnerable. He sounds like he’s forcing Seungmin to look at him. So seungmin does, his vision is blurred from tears, he doesn't know why he’s crying so much, he really doesn’t. Chan’s face looks like he’s about to cry which makes seungmin want to wail but he doesn’t.
“What happened?” Chan asks, both hands holding Seungmin's knees in place. He shakes his head a little too much in defence, causing the teardrops that hung on his chin, drop on Chan's cheek. When he looks at Chan, he feels dizzy because his tear is lying so unfairly on Chan's cheek, like it claims him.
“Come on, tell me, please.” Now Chan's pleading. His voice is low and tender in a way that is messing with seungmin’s head.
“What is it?” Seungmin stays silent despite all of Chan's questions covered in plea.
“It’s nothing really.” Seungmin's voice breaks as he tries to speak. “Please, seungmin?” Chan's voice trembles. Almost like a child asking for forgiveness who is clueless of his fault.
Seungmin stares at chan for a few seconds. At his furrowed brows, pale skin, drops of sweat clung to his forehead. And his glowing eyes. Chan pleads again. This time with his eyes.
Those goddamn eyes.
A sigh leaves seungmin’s lungs. He’s upset suddenly.
Why does it have to cost me tears and pleas for you to finally look at me?
Chan continues staring right into seungmin’s eyes. An attempt to listen to the words he refuses to voice. He tries again to make seungmin say something, anything. Seungmin snuffles, rubbing his nose and eyes altogether, tinting them a little red and sighs again.
“Please?” chan whispers this time, voice almost gone. His head is resting on his hands that are placed on seungmin’s knees firmly. Seungmin feels like he’s in a daze. Does he have a fever? Who knows? His mind is blurry and all he wants right now is the man that’s sitting folded at his knees.
“Why is it so hard for you to look at me?” Seungmin says finally, voice surprisingly calm and still.
“What?” Chan is confused and shocked.
“What?” Seungmin's voice makes his annoyance clear.
“Do i have to” seungmin halts, the words he almost blurted sound insane in his head so he does.
“Do I have to cry and beg for your attention every time? Is that what you’re into? You love it when I'm vulnerable, don’t you?”
Chan is holding his breath and looking at Seungmin, trying to process and understand Seungmin's words.
They’re both silent as Chan recalls the last few days. He had been too busy to talk to anyone. Especially seungmin. He has been on his mind the entire time but he never got to go out of his way to check up on seungmin himself. He asked about seungmin from everyone else other than seungmin. He recalls all the times he’s looked at him. He did every chance he got. Mostly seungmin was staring at the ground in a daze and then he’d look up straight at chan’s way and chan’s adrenaline would force him to look away.
It makes sense now.
For a brief second, there’s a guilty warmth settling in Chan's heart when he realises Seungmin had been upset about not getting his attention. But then he realises seungmin just cried loads for not getting his attention. So the first thing he does is apologize which is replied with silence. Seungmin is looking everywhere but at chan.
“I apologise for making you even think that” chan tries again. Seungmin is playing with his slender fingers and his flushed face is making it hard for chan to form any understandable word.
“And I really need you to know that’s a misunderstanding. You don’t need to cry and beg for the attention that’s been yours for longer than you’d think. I apologise for not making time for you i should’ve, i’m sorry. But you always have my attention, even when i try to focus on anything else. It’s hard not to look at the kind of face you own. It’s just my brain is stupid and embarrassed so it doesn’t let you catch me staring at you. But my attention has been yours all the time in the midst of this chaos. My eyes keep lingering on you like a stubborn glue. My heart won’t stop running at you no matter what I'm doing. So what I'm trying to say is don't cry for me. Don’t let me cause you tears, seung please? You’ll always have me no matter what, even if you don’t want to.”
“I doubt that's gonna happen.” seungmin mutters.
“Hmm?” chan hums in a query.
“I doubt i’m ever not gonna want you.” Seungmin is getting bright red and extremely warm in this too little of a stall. His heart is about to collapse.
Chan’s ears are ringing now. They’ve made it clear enough they like each other, but they never stated anything. The undertone has been vivid and thick for a long while now. Chan didn’t know what seungmin wanted, seungmin knew chan didn’t want anything.
“Seungmin, do you know what you’re saying?” Chan's voice is cracking now, his skin feels prickly against his bones.
“What do you think I'm saying?” Seungmin is looking at Chan now, once again. Their eyes have locked on each other’s. Both looking for words they’re too scared to spell out.
“You’re saying you want me?” chan barely whispers.
“Yes.” seungmin whispers back.
Chan visibly melts down. His head falls on his hands. His weight is partially on seungmin whilst the rest is on the floor. He’s trying to breathe steadily.
“I thought you’d never say that.” Chan shakily admits and proceeds, “I've been waiting for so long, seungmin you have no clue.”
“I thought it was obvious enough.” Seungmin says.
“I guess I don't know but we never made it official. We never stated anything for sure. You’ve never said anything. I’ve been contemplating everything. I’ve been questioning everything. I’ve been suffering for a while now, it hasn’t been easy." Chan confesses with his head still buried in suengmin’s knees.
Seungmin’s face is blank at first, his heartbeat is pounding in his ears, loud. Then he can’t help the grin on his face, the stretch is hurting his facial muscles but he doesn’t care, really.
“Hyung” his voice is shaking, the smile so vividly clear in it. He holds Chan's face in his hands, tilting it up towards his.
“Hyung, why are you crying?” Seungmin chuckles and proceeds to rub the single tear sliding down the side of his face.
“I’m just- it feels so- i’m just so relieved” he melts into seungmin’s palm, his eyelids fall shut at the contrast of Suengmin’s cold palms. His heart is loud and happy.
Chan’s tongue almost rolls out another confession before he bites it back. For a moment, he’s hesitant.
What if it’s too soon?
Then he remembers, nothing’s too soon for them. It’s been too many years of not addressing the obvious. He decides on his impulse. There’s this sudden bold assurance in his heart that nothing can go wrong with Seungmin anymore, his Seungmin.
“I love you” he rolls out the words that poked at his lips.
“I love you more.” Seungmin breathlessly replies in an instant.