Chapter Text
The Cornley County Court Archives
Case Number: CA-2025-013140
The following transcript of a broadcast made on 25/12/2025 was presented as evidence to the Cornley County Court Office in January 2026. Initially the creation of this document was to provide the prosecution, jury and judge with a sufficient sense of the charges being brought to the defendants and hence at the end of the transcript a list of charges can be found. However, this document has come to primarily be used in an academic setting, as a case study for aspiring lawyers and police officers where the defendants were considered so obviously guilty that the court summons lasted a total of just 20 minutes (15 of which consisted of a screaming match between a Mr Grove and the Judge after the verdict was reached). For this purpose we here at the Cornley County Court Archives wish to reiterate that this is a direct transcription and that all the contents, no matter how absurd, are completely accurate.
{Jolly Christmas jingle plays and fades}
CLAIMANT: “Good morning, one and all here on BBC Radio 2 and a very merry Christmas morning it is! The sun is shining, frost is in the air, this really feels like the best Christmas we could have all wished for here in the studio where we will be with you for the next couple hours. I am your host-”
{Distant clatter}
CLAIMANT: “Haha, sorry about that, folks. As I was saying, I am your host-”
{Clattering gets louder, yells heard}
CLAIMANT: “What was that?”
{Loud bang, likely door being busted open}
CLAIMANT: “Hey! Who are you? Now this is ridiculous! It’s Christmas, don’t you know what you- Get your hands off me! Aaaaah, help! Someone call the-”
{Sound of struggle}
{Door slams}
{Shuffling, chairs scraping, sounds of microphones being adjusted}
{Someone clears their throat}
UNKNOWN 1: “We’re back…”
{Pause}
UNKNOWN 1: “Sorry that came out very sinister, it’s a good thing!”
{Jolly Christmas jingle plays again}
UNKNOWN 1: “My name is Robert Grove and this Christmas I am happy to announce that me and my co-host-”
UNKNOWN 2: “You are the co-host, Robert.”
Robert Grove: “Me and my fellow host, Chris Bean, have returned to the air waves to bring you joyous tidings this festive season.”
Chris Bean: “Indeed we have and joining us today is our very own Max Bennet. Say hi, Max.”
{Christmas jingle continues through silence}
Chris Bean: “Say hi, Max. This is the radio, they can’t see you waving.”
Max Bennet: “Oh, sorry. Hello! My name is Max and I am very excited to be here – I’ve always wanted to be on the radio.”
{Christmas jingle fades out}
Chris Bean: “Lovely. Now let us just check in with our sound team that they have everything under control…”
{Cut to booth mic, sound of struggle in background}
UNKNOWN 3 (scouse male): (distant) “Don’t fight it, mate! It hurts more if you fight!”
UNKNOWN 4 (lancastrian female): “We are just, uh, tying up some loose ends here. We’ll be operational soon.”
Chris Bean: “Ah, well, while that is getting sorted, I suppose we can just explain what we are doing here.”
Robert Grove: “Absolutely. Some of our listeners may remember the fateful Christmas of 2016, where me and my co-host-”
Chris Bean: “I am not having this conversation with you again. I am the host, you are the co-host.”
Max Bennet: “What am I?”
Chris Bean: “You're Dennis’ replacement.”
Max Bennett: “Is he sick?”
Robert Grove: “Just incompetent. Which brings me neatly back to my point. As listeners might recall, that year me and my co-host, as well as our friend Dennis Tyde, were given the opportunity to host our own Christmas show here on BBC Radio 2.”
Chris Bean: "Where, I might add, we did such a stellar job that they told us and I quote ‘that standard of radio has never before been reached’ and ‘if you come back to the studio we will be forced to detain you’. Of course that is because we would be putting other radio hosts out of their job. Haha, of course…”
Robert Grove: “Very convincing, Chris.”
Chris Bean: “Well, anyway, those who tuned in last time can confirm we were like nothing the BBC Radio had ever experienced. However a few snags did somewhat ruin our festive segment.”
Robert Grove: “Which is why me and Chris decided to do this whole ‘break into the studio, take the show back and prove ourselves’ thing alone.”
Chris Bean: “Yes, though, sadly, we lack the technological expertise and were forced to ask some of our drama society’s crew members to help. Say hi, you two.”
UNKNOWN 4 (Lancastrian female): “Hi, mum! I’m on the radio!”
UNKNOWN 3 (Scouse male): “Uh, yeah, what she said.”
Chris Bean: “Our reliable team! Though unfortunately not reliable enough to keep a secret, so naturally Max found out…”
Max Bennett: “Hi!”
Chris Bean: “and then he told Sandra…”
Robert Grove: “Newlyweds. We all remember what it was like, nothing was a secret back then, not even a hot yoga instructor called Dhimitri.”
Chris Bean: “Right…And, well, once Sandra knew, everyone may as well have. So we are happy to announce that our whole team at the Cornley Drama Society will be joining us today. Some backstage, some in their own Christmas themed segments and, you may be surprised to hear if you were with us last time, Jonathan Harris will be joining us once again as our Christmas Correspondent, but now with the ever-prepared Vanessa Wilcock-Wynn-Carroway.”
Robert Grove: “Not a name for radio, we should have gone with a pseudonym.”
Chris Bean: “Stop interrupting me, Robert! (sigh) Vanessa will be working as Jonathan’s navigator, so hopefully he will be able to stay on track this time around.”
Max Bennett: “I still don’t understand why Dennis isn’t here. The whole rest of the gang is.”
Chris Bean: “It just wasn’t feasible. The man couldn’t vet a call to save his life, his sound effects were dreadful and he lacked the, well, I suppose the je ne suis quoi for the radio, which me and Robert possess.”
Max Bennett: “I don’t know what that means.”
Chris Bean: “Exactly.”
Max Bennett: “It just doesn’t feel right to do this without him…”
Chris Bean: “But now all his old jobs are yours.”
Robert Groves: “Yes, Max, think of all the perks!”
Max Bennett: “Perks? Like what? Do I get to be a host too?”
Chris Bean: “Not quite. Though you, my friend, do get to pick our first festive tune of the show!”
Max Bennett: “I do? Oh, this is such an honour, I-I don’t know what to say.”
Robert Grove: “Just the name of the song please. No one likes a disc jockey who rambles.”
Chris Bean: “Agreed. So, Max, what will it be?”
Max Bennett: “Well, my very favourite Christmas song is Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”
Robert Grove: “Fantastic.”
Max Bennett: “Because, you see, since I was a child I-”
Robert Grove: “Ah, ah, ah, none of that. Play the track!”
{Baby, It’s Cold Outside by Dean Martin plays and fades out}
Chris Bean: “Wasn’t that lovely? A special thanks to our resident music expert, Trevor Watson, who has kindly offered his Christmas playlist to the cause. No having to deal with the BBC’s soundbank this year!”
Robert Grove: “Yes, thank you, co-host 5.”
Chris Bean: “Who?”
Robert Grove: “Trevor. He’s my fifth co-host.”
Chris Bean: “What do you mean ‘fifth co-host’?”
Robert Grove: “In case you had to pull out. Then I had the others ranked on how good they would be as my co-host.”
Chris Bean: (scoffs) “What? Does that make me ‘first co-host’ in this ridiculous system?”
Robert Grove: “Actually, I had you at sixth. Vanessa would have been my first choice – easy to speak over.”
Max Bennett: “That’s not very nice. Co-hosting is all about working with your partner as a team.”
Robert Grove: “There is no ‘team’ in ‘Christmas’, Max, and it’s about time you learnt that.”
Chris Bean: “Never mind that, why am I sixth? Below Trevor of all people?”
UNKNOWN 3 (Trevor Watson?): (off-mic, distant) “It’s cuz of my dulcet tones, mate.”
Chris Bean: (sigh) “Moving on, I am pleased to be introducing the theme of this year's Radio 2 Christmas Morning as Christmas Surprises. This is a noticeable improvement from the theme of our last broadcast Christmas Traditions, since it turns out that a holiday’s traditions remain fairly similar from home to home, which meant we had quite a bit of, uh, dead air. This year we hope it will be different, as we ask our special guests and you, the listeners, who we implore to call in, to tell us interesting and surprising anecdotes from Christmases gone by.”
Robert Grove: “Anyone who has just picked up their phone to tell us about that dog you were gifted when you were five, put it down. We are looking for exciting, Radio-2-worthy stories here. None of your puppies, proposals or food poisonings. We have all been there, you are not special.”
Chris Bean: “Yes, good call. And speaking of ‘good calls’ I believe it is time for us to check in on our Christmas Correspondent, who should be on his way to join us here in London as we speak. I’m getting a thumbs up from the sound-booth so, Jonathan? Are you there?”
{Static fuzzes}
Chris Bean: “Jonathan? Hello?”
{Static fuzzes louder and morphs into a voice}
Jonathan Harris: “Yes, hello. Can you hear me now?”
Robert Grove: “Loud and clear, Jonno. Can you tell us where you are?”
{Sound of car engine in background becomes clear}
Jonathan Harris: “Right, yes. Hello, this is Jonathan Harris, your Christmas Correspondent. I am currently in the car with my navigator, Vanessa, and we appear to be doing, uh, yes, that’s 75 down the M1.”
UNKNOWN 5 (Vanessa Wilcock-Wynn-Carroway?): “Yes, sorry, Chris. Jonathan got locked in the toilet at the services, so we are running a bit behind schedule. Just making up for it.”
{Engine revs, sound of multiple cars honking}
Jonathan Harris: “Thankfully, Christmas means fewer cars on the road, eh?”
Vanessa Wilcock-Wynn Carroway: “Don’t talk to me right now, Jonathan, I need to focus.”
Jonathan Harris: “Sorry.”
Chris Bean: “Okay then. Jonathan, can you tell the listeners at home where you and Vanessa are taking us this morning?”
Jonathan Harris: “Yes, of course! We will be travelling all around London, to pre-selected addresses, spreading Christmas joy. We have a bag full of presents and hearts full of song, ready to give to those we meet.”
Robert Grove: (chuckles) “After the absolute shocker you had last time, let’s just make sure you get there, eh Jonno?”
Jonathan Harris: (strained laughter) “Right you are, Robert. But, no need to fear, with Vanessa at the wheel I’m sure that- WATCH OUT FOR THAT DEER!”
{Feed abruptly cuts out}
Chris Bean: “Jonathan? Vanessa? Are you there?”
Max Bennett: “Did he say ‘watch out, reindeer’? Have they seen Santa’s sleigh?"
Robert Grove: “Uh, yeah, let’s go for that.”
Chris Bean: (nervous laughter) “While we wait for our Christmas Correspondent to make his way to his first lucky household, why don’t we have another tune? I was, uh, going to ask Jonathan for his request but I guess he’s a little-”
{Static returns, quickly morphs into voice}
Jonathan Harris: “No, no, I’m here! I’m here! Uh, sorry about that unexpected interruption, folks. No reindeer have been harmed in this production, haha.”
Vanessa Wilcock-Wynn-Carroway: “He was limping a bit.”
Jonathan Harris: “Ssh!”
Chris Bean: “That is good to hear, Jonathan. Now, do you have a song in mind for us to play next?”
Jonathan Harris: “Ah, yes. There is this one song I always sing to my daughter when the temperatures start to go down later in the year and-”
Robert Grove: “And the song is called? Come on! Out with it!”
Jonathan Harris: (sigh) “I’d love for you to play Baby It’s Cold Outside for my favourite little elf.”
Trevor Watson: (distant, off mic) “You got it, mate.”
Chris Bean: “No, Trevor, we’ve already had-”
{Baby, It’s Cold Outside by Idina Menzel & Michael Bublé plays and fades out}
Chris Bean: “That was Baby, It’s Cold Outside this time sung by the wonderful Idina Menzel and Michael Bublé. So, entirely different from the previous version we played, one could argue. What is important is that it is a Christmas song for this Christmas programme…That is of course presuming that it is set during Christmas time, since it theoretically could be sung…whenever it happens to be…cold…”
Robert Grove: “Expertly handled, Chris, but I’ll take over from here. Before our break, we asked you at home to call in with your Christmas Surprises. This is anything shocking or intriguing that has happened to you on Christmas day. Max has been receiving your messages. Is there anyone on the line for us, Max?”
Max Bennett: “Yes!”
{Pause}
Robert Grove: “Well, patch them through then!”
Max Bennett: “Oh, yes, sorry. This board is just so colourful and covered in lights, like a christmas tree.”
Robert Grove: “None of that festive nonsense. Who’s on the line?”
Max Bennett: “On line 3, we have Patty from Manchester.”
Robert Grove: “Good morning, Patty, and a Merry Christmas to you.”
Patty (from Manchester): “Merry Christmas!”
Robert Grove: “Wonderful. Now, Patty, you have called in to tell us about a surprise you received on Christmas, correct?”
Patty (from Manchester): “That’s right.”
Robert Grove: “Well, the stage is yours.”
Patty (from Manchester): “Yeah, well, right. It’s a really sweet story actually. You see, when I was five there was nothing in the whole world I wanted more than-”
Robert Grove: “Let me stop you there, Patty.”
Chris Bean: (hisses) “Robert! You can’t interrupt the callers!”
Robert Grove: “I said I was handling it, Chris, let me handle it. Patty, when you were five, did this thing that you wanted more than anything in the whole world happen to be a dog?”
Patty (from Manchester): “That’s right! A golden retriever in fact.”
Robert Grove: “Just as I suspected. Max, cut her off!”
Max Bennett: “But she hasn’t told us what her Christmas Surprise was yet.”
Patty (from Manchester): “Yeah. Don’t you want to hear the story? You’re the one that asked for it!”
Robert Grove: “That’s quite alright, Patty, I know your sort. I specifically said at the beginning of this broadcast not to call in if your story was dog related. It’s basic, Patty. You are basic.”
Patty (from Manchester): “I am not basic!”
Chris Bean: “I’m afraid I’m going to have to side with Robert on this one, Patricia. A golden retriever? Really?”
Robert Grove: “Call back when you have a real story to tell – Max, end the call!”
Max Bennett: “Fine…”
{Line cuts off}
Chris Bean: “That was the right decision, Robert. We can’t go having a repeat of last time… Can we please emphasise we want interesting, entertaining, perhaps even funny or humorous stories. Not that.”
Robert Grove: “Yes, let Patty be a lesson to us all. Who’s next?”
Max Bennett: “I have Daniel from London on line two.”
Robert Grove: “Oh, a local man, how nice. Merry Christmas, Daniel!”
Daniel (from London): “Yes, hello, is this Radio 2’s Christmas Morning?”
Robert Grove: “Yes, with the Cornley Drama Society’s own Robert Grove and company.”
Daniel (from London): (quietly) “Did you get that down? Good, good. (louder) And, you aren’t the usual host of this show are you?”
Robert Grove: “No, unfortunately they had to step aside for the brighter star. Though, I’m not complaining. (chuckles) But, enough about me, do you have a Christmas surprise for us, Daniel?”
Daniel (from London): “Uh, yeah, actually but I think it would be better in person…”
Robert Grove: “Well, if it wasn’t appropriate for the radio, why did you call in? This is a professional broadcast, we can’t keep wasting our calls on these ludicrous surprises.”
Daniel (from London): “Yeah, but this ain’t a professional broadcast, is it? You’re just a nut-case who thought it would be a laugh to be on Radio 2 at Christmas. Don’t worry, we’ve got your name now, we’ll find you soon.”
Robert Grove: “ ‘Find you soon’? Are you that woman that keeps leaving me those voice messages? I thought I told you never to contact me again, you stalker!”
Chris Bean: “Sorry to cut in but where did you say you were from again?”
Daniel (from London): “The London Metropolitan Police Service. See you soon.”
{Call ends}
{Pause}
Robert Grove: (spluttering) “Max! You are supposed to be vetting these calls!”
Max Bennett: “Sorry I got so excited, I just patched him through after he said London.”
Chris Bean: “Not to fear, listeners, that was just a, uh, prank call! Yes, a prank call, that’s it. (strained laugh) Our buddy Daniel there, pulling our leg as usual.”
Robert Grove: “I said I would handle this, Chris, stop trying to promote yourself from sixth co-host.”
Chris Bean: “One cannot be promoted if one is already the host.”
Max Bennett: “Guys, guys, stop fighting. I have another caller, who I know you are going to love!”
Robert Grove: “Very well, patch them through. Hello? Who am I speaking to?”
UNKNOWN 5: “Oh, um, hello! My name is Dennis Tyde and I’m from Cornley. Though, right now, I’m at my parent’s house, which isn’t in Cornley, do you want their address?”
Robert Grove: “De-De-Dennis? What are you- (hisses away from mic) Why is he calling us? How did he get this number?”
Max Bennett: “I texted him. Isn’t it brilliant? Now we can have Christmas together, as a society!”
Chris Bean: (whispering) “What are we going to do? First the police and now Dennis, we are going to be a laughing-stock if we don’t get this item under control. Quick, Robert, ask him about his Christmas Surprise.”
Robert Grove: “But- But-”
Chris Bean: (whispering) “Now!”
Robert Grove: “But-But-But- Well, alright then! Good morning and Merry Christmas, Dennis. Are you, uh, are you having a nice morning?”
Dennis Tyde: “Yes I am, thank you for asking, Robert. Me, mum and dad were just about to open the presents when the show came on.”
Robert Grove: “I had no idea your parents were such avid listeners. Otherwise I would have perhaps not suggested you celebrate with them today…might have saved us all a lot of embarrassment.”
Dennis Tyde: “Oh, no, this was a great idea! Now I can spend time with everyone I love. My parents here in the living room and you guys over the phone. This is really the best present you could have given me.”
Robert Grove: “Well, I do give the-”
Dennis Tyde: “It would actually be the first present you’ve ever given me…”
Chris Bean: “Surprises! (strained laughter) Dennis, hello, do you have anything which has surprised you in Christmases gone by? Something that might entertain listeners at home such as yourself?”
Dennis Tyde: “Oh, uh, well, does breaking into the BBC that one time count?”
Chris Bean: “I don’t think that’s entirely appropriate. Anything else comes to mind?”
Dennis Tyde: “The time we all went to A&E because Trevor closed that big book on us?”
Chris Bean: “Perhaps something jollier?”
Dennis Tyde: “Oh! I know! When Sandra proposed to Max at the end of A Christmas Carol!”
Robert Grove: “Ah! Hahahaha! I said no proposals. I said that and we cut Patty off for her puppy story, so I’m sorry, Dennis, but your time is up. Max, cut the line.”
Max Bennett: “I don’t want to.”
Robert Grove: “I’ll do it then!”
Dennis Tyde: “But-”
{Line cuts out}
{Pause}
Chris Bean: “That felt a little harsh.”
Robert Grove: “I specifically said no puppies and no proposals.”
Max Bennett: “But it’s Dennis!”
Robert Grove: “I am not about to play favourites on our callers just because I live with him – I’m above that.”
UNKNOWN 3 (Lancastrian female): (off-mic, distant) “Says the man who has us all ranked for a spot as co-host.”
Max Bennett: “Yeah! You just cut Dennis off to avoid a difficult conversation. Just because it was awkward.”
Robert Grove: “No I didn’t! Where’s your evidence? Who are you? The police? Been hiding it all these years, haven’t you? Show me your badge!”
Chris Bean: “No fighting on air! At least wait for the next song.”
Max Bennett: “I do have a final caller for you guys.”
Chris Bean: “Good. Wonderful. Let’s round this off merrily, shall we?...I said, shall we, Robert?”
Robert Grove: (grumbles) “We shall.”
Max Bennett: “On line eight we have Jennifer from Newcastle upon Tyne.”
Robert Grove: (not merrily) “Yes, hello, Jennifer. Very merry christmas etcetera, etcetera. What’s your surprise then? Be quick with it.”
Jennifer (from Newcastle upon Tyne): “Alright, so it’s a bit more on the gross side of thing but trust me, it’s a barrel of laughs by the end, so just stick with me-”
Robert Grove: (sighs heavily)
Chris Bean: (quiet) “If you are going to sigh, Robert, do so away from the microphone, you are interrupting our caller.”
Robert Grove: “This? This is no caller. This is a saboteur! Now listen here, Jennifer, if that is your real name, I don’t know who hired you – probably Dhimitri – but I can see through your ruse!”
Jennifer (from Newcastle upon Tyne): “What’d you mean?”
Robert Grove: “Food poisoning. It was food poisoning, wasn’t it? From the turkey, no doubt!”
Jennifer (from Newcastle upon Tyne): “Well, yes, but I-”
Robert Grove: “But it brought you closer to your family? Who cares?! It’s Christmas, no one wants to hear a story like that! Where’s the shock? The intrigue?”
Jennifer (from Newcastle upon Tyne): “Well, I’m sorry if my story isn’t good enough for you, sir, but you can shove your shock and intrigue up your-”
{Line abruptly cuts out}
Chris Bean: “...An expertly handled segment there, Robert. Good work indeed.”
Robert Grove: “Don’t patronise me. Just play the next song.”
Chris Bean: “Good idea. Thank you ever so much for all your wonderful calls! After this we will be checking in on where our team out on the field has gotten to now – hopefully spreading substantially more joy than we have here in the studio. (off-mic) Who’s request are we on?”
UNKNOWN 3 (Lancastrian female): (off-mic, distant) “Oh, uh, I think it’s mine, Chris, but we really don’t have to play it.”
Chris Bean: “It’s quite alright, Annie. We agreed that we could each pick a song to play and now it’s your turn.”
Annie (-): “But, Chris, I didn’t know-”
Chris Bean: “No, no, I insist. Press play, Trevor.”
{Baby, It’s Cold Outside by Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Jordan plays and fades out}
Chris Bean: (strained laughter) “I’m so sorry for that, dear listeners. Our music curator is now under strict instruction not to play that song again.”
Trevor Watson: (off mic, distant) “It was a different version!”
Chris Bean: “Like I said, he won’t be playing any combination of man and woman singing that particular Christmas classic. As grateful as we are to be able to play a Christmas classic for you, we have to draw the line somewhere.”
Robert Grove: “We really should have coordinated our requests before we got here.”
Chris Bean: “Yes, I have realised that now, Robert, thank you. Let’s just move on.”
{Christmas jingle restarts}
Chris Bean: “Welcome to the first hour of BBC Radio 2’s Christmas Morning. I am your host Chris Bean and with me in the studio are my co-hosts Robert Grove and Max Bennett.”
Robert Grove: “Now, hold on!”
Max Bennett: “I’m a co-host now! Brilliant!”
Chris Bean: “Excuse me, I’m trying to do the introduction…(clears throat) We have many more exciting and festive segments coming up for you in the rest of this hour. Soon, we will be catching up with our Christmas Correspondent, who will hopefully have made it to his first lucky home to spread some Christmas joy. Then our very own Annie Twilloil has organised a seasonal game show for us in the studio and you at home to enjoy.”
{Christmas jingle fades out}
Chris Bean: “But before that, we have a word from one of our sponsors, read by-”
{Sound of paper rustling}
Chris Bean: “Oh, um, apologies. I am being handed a piece of paper. Let me just. (sigh) (whispers) Sandra, I know you were reluctant to do the advertisements, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to pander to-”
Max Bennett: “That’s her angry look, Chris…”
Chris Bean: “Very well. First, we have a word from one of our sponsors, which will be, and I quote, ‘graciously read out by the venerable, versatile and voracious’ (whispers) Did you mean to write that?”
Max Bennett: “There it is again.”
Chris Bean: “‘and voracious actress, writer, philosopher and up-and-coming influencer, Sandra Wilkinson-Bennett. We here at the Cornley Drama Society and BBC Studios are eternally grateful for such a sought-after individual such as Mrs Wilkinson-Bennett (professionally referred to as Ms Wilkinson) to be giving over her most valuable time to us. Now to the lady herself and-’ Sandra, this is just your CV!”
Sandra Wilkinson: (what can only be described as a sultry whisper) “That it is, Chris, but who wants to talk about the job hunt when they should be relaxing on their Christmas holidays? And what better way to do that than with Howard’s Hot Chocolate Cravings: the sweet treat that makes you feel like you’re curled up with your favourite festive beverage.”
Max Bennett: “Wow! That was amazing! Did you two plan that?”
Sandra Wilkinson: “It may surprise you that we did not. I am just a highly skilled improv performer, with my many accreditations. Though, an actress knows when to return to her script. (whispers) Robert! Say your part!”
Robert Grove: (muffled) “Oh, sorry.”
Sandra Wilkinson: “Have you already opened the packet?”
Robert Grove: (rapid chewing and swallowing) “Can you blame me? This is good merchandise. Now, let me see…(rustling paper) Ah, here we go! Please, tell us more. How can a bag of processed goods and such well priced ones at that, create this tantalising illusion?”
Sandra Wilkinson: “That’s because it’s no illusion. Howard’s Hot Chocolate Cravings are the product of years of culinary refinement, from the most well-practiced hands in the thriving hot chocolate community of the West Midlands. Though, of course, it is easy to see why one would confuse such a wondrous taste for pure christmas magic.”
{Sound of packet rustling}
Robert Grove: (muffled again) “That is just spectacular! Now I can enjoy the taste and feeling of hot chocolate all year round, without the hassle of making it myself. (swallowing) Instead, I can just pick up a packet of Howard’s Hot Chocolate Cravings from any local supermarket or convenience shop in the West Midlands – excluding Birmingham and its surrounding area. What a treat!”
Sandra Wilkinson: “That it is. Just think, that special festive feeling is only a-”
{Pause}
Sandra Wilkinson: (whisper) “Robert, make the noise!”
Robert Grove: “What noise?”
Sandra Wilkinson: “The sound of the packet opening.”
Robert Grove: “How am I meant to do that if I’ve already opened the packet? Honestly, you really should have thought this through, Sandra.”
Max Bennett: “Oh, you’ve gotten an even angrier look than Chris did. Very impressive.”
Sandra Wilkinson: (sighs) “Just, make a noise on the cue, okay?”
Robert Grove: “Alright.”
Sandra Wilkinson: (back to sultry whisper) “Just think, that special festive feeling is only a-”
{Rapid sound of crumpling plastic, something whacking a table and an exclamation of what sounds like ‘oh, there goes my pointer’}
Sandra Wilkinson: (defeated) “...away.”
Chris Bean: “Ms Wilkinson, everybody! Wasn’t that just wonderful? And what a wonderful product too.Tell me, how exactly are these Hot Chocolate Cravings any different from normal chocolate? I mean, what part of it makes it like the drink?”
Sandra Wilkinson: “That is a perceptive question, Chris. It appears that the information provided to me by our gracious sponsors at Howard’s Hot Chocolate Emporium does contain an answer to it exactly. It reads ‘Any and all suggestions that our merchandise is nothing more than just chocolate branded as an accessible holiday treat will be considered an attempt at legal action against us and will be met with the full force of the Howard family legal team’. Does that suffice?”
Chris Bean: (shakily) “Of-of course. Uh, yes, quite. (recovers) Now, Sandra, I know you were upset about not receiving your own independent segment in the show, so would you like to check in on our Christmas Correspondent for us?”
Sandra Wilkinson: “It would be my honour. (whispers) Is he there, Annie? Great. (louder) Good morning, Jonathan, and where are we speaking to you from?”
Jonathan Harris: “Oh, uh, Sandra! Hello! I didn’t know- whatever. Hello again, BBC audience. I am happy to report that my navigator has successfully gotten us into London. We are just driving down a very well decorated street in Harrow.”
Max Bennett: “Ooh! What do they have? Today I saw an inflatable penguin the size of a house, can you beat that?”
Jonathan Harris: “Well, um, no. There is nothing quite of that scale. The decorations are quite tasteful actually: lights like frost hanging from window ledges; playful, sparkling Santas with their sleighs by the chimneys; row and rows of fairy lights as far as the eye can see. Really, you can just picture how breath-taking this must look at-”
{Car tires screeching and something heavy hitting something plastic}
Jonathan Harris: “Ow!”
Vanessa Wilcock-Wynn-Carroway: “Number seven! Here we are!”
Jonathan Harris: (pained) “Ah, wonderful. We have just pulled up in front of our first address.”
Chris Bean: “For those who have just tuned in, our Christmas Correspondent’s mission this morning is to travel to a few select homes to give gifts and good tidings to families in the London area. These addresses were selected by our behind the scenes crew, if I’m correct.”
Trevor Watson: (off-mic, distant) “I didn’t select anythin’.”
Annie Twilloil: (off-mic, distant) “Me neither.”
Chris Bean: “Well, who did then?”
Max Bennett: “Me, Robert and Jonathan chose the houses.”
Chris Bean: “Quite the team. How exactly did you go about it?”
Max Bennett: “Well, Robert told me to put the little man in two random places in London and it was so cool because after you drop him somewhere suddenly you are there and you can look around and stuff.”
Chris Bean: “And the other two addresses?”
Max Bennett: “Robert told me not to ask about the other two addresses.”
Chris Bean: “Robert? What have you done?”
Robert Grove: “How long have we worked together, Chris? Don’t you trust me by now?”
{Pause}
Chris Bean: (sigh) “So, Jonathan, what is happening in Harrow?”
Jonathan Harris: “Well, I am just about to ring the doorbell.”
{Doorbell chimes to the tune of Jingle Bells}
Jonathan Harris: “Oh, how festive!”
{Sound of door opening}
UNKNOWN VOICE (male): “Merry Christmas! What can I do for you, sir?”
Jonathan Harris: “Hello, my name is Jonathan Harris and I’m with the BBC. You are currently live on air.”
UNKNOWN VOICE (male): “Is this BBC’s Christmas Morning?”
Jonathan Harris: “That it is, sir. May I come in?”
UNKNOWN VOICE (male): “Absolutely! Please do! Do you want anything? Hot Chocolate? Eggnog?”
Jonathan Harris: “Well, if there’s eggnog on offer, I can’t refuse.”
UNKNOWN VOICE (male): “Coming right up!”
{Receding footsteps}
Jonathan Harris: (whispering) “Now, this may be the most Christmas-loving household we could have chosen. I have only just entered the hallway and I can see five- no, seven different elf ornaments! The doormat says ‘Welcome to the North Pole’!”
Chris Bean: “That is just fantastic, Jonathan! (whispering) We’ve hit the motherload. Excellent choice, Robert, I should never have doubted you.”
Robert Grove: “I did not pick the North Pole, must have been one of Max’s random ones.”
Chris Bean: “Bless your dumb luck, Max!”
Max Bennett: “And also to you.”
Jonathan Harris: “This house certainly is overflowing with Christmas joy already, though I’m sure a little more won’t hurt.”
UNKNOWN VOICE (male): “Here’s your eggnog. Please, take a seat.”
Jonathan Harris: “Oh, extraordinary, these chairs look like they’re made from gingerbread.”
UNKNOWN VOICE (male): “They’re also scented.”
Jonathan Harris: (sniffs) “Wow! That is potent, isn’t it? (coughs) Well, I must say you might be the very best guest we could have asked for on this Christmas programme. We won’t keep you from your festivities long, so why don’t you just tell us your name.”
UNKNOWN VOICE (male): “My name is Nick.”
Jonathan Harris: (laughs) “Saint Nick himself. Amazing! Well, Nick, you have been randomly selected to guest star on our humble show. Our theme today is Christmas Surprises and, well, looking around I suspect you have plenty of those you could tell us about.”
Nick (-): “Christmas surprises? Oh, well, I’m not too sure. Does- Does this count?”
Jonathan Harris: “This? You mean me being here?”
Nick (-): “Yeah.”
Jonathan Harris: “As flattering as that is, maybe something else. I mean, what about last year? Anything shocking happen?”
Nick (-): “Not really. Just the same as usual: Got up, made eggnog, watched It’s A Wonderful Life. You know, the usual.”
Jonathan Harris: “What about when you put up all these decorations. I mean, there must have been some mishaps there, right? Fallen tree? Broken elf? Anything like that?”
Nick (-): “Oh, uh, no.”
Jonathan Harris: “Really? Nothing? I always get tangled up in the fairy lights, nevermind everything you have on the front of this house.”
Nick (-): (quiet) “I don’t- I don’t take it down…”
Jonathan Harris: “Pardon?”
Nick (-): “All this. I never take it down. You know, so it feels like Christmas every day.”
Jonathan Harris: “None of it? Not even the North Pole doormat?”
Nick (-): “Nah.”
{Pause}
Jonathan Harris: “What about with the family? And guests? I know there’s always one or two surprises whenever a Christmas gathering is in order.”
Nick (-): “And you can’t count, right?”
Jonathan Harris: “No.”
Nick (-): “Then nothing there either.”
Jonathan Harris: “What do you mean? You must have people over at Christmas.”
Nick (-): “No. You are my first guest in, oh, I don’t know, ten years?”
Jonathan Harris: “That’s…so sad. I don’t really know how to segue here, but, uh, another part of this section is that I give you a present from this bag. Do you want to do that?”
Nick (-): “Oh, would I? I haven’t had a gift I didn’t buy myself in years.”
Jonathan Harris: “Just put your arm in – yeah like that – and grab the first thing you can.”
{Rustling}
Jonathan Harris: “Have you got something?”
Nick (-): “Yes, I think I- Oh, wow! A book! It’s All An Act, a story of stardom by Robert Grove.”
Jonathan Harris: “I think he signed it too.”
Nick (-): “Ah, yes, here on the inside cover it says ‘Visit my shop’ signed by Robert Grove and he’s written out the website link in full.”
Jonathan Harris: “I hope this makes up for, well, for the loneliness. I wish I could do more, but-”
{Footsteps}
Vanessa Wilcock-Wynn-Carroway: “That’s time up! Come on, we can’t miss our next- Are those chairs made of gingerbread?”
Nick (-): “What? You’re leaving? So soon?”
Jonathan Harris: “I’m afraid we must. So many people to spread joy to, so little time.”
Nick (-): “But you haven’t even finished your eggnog.”
Jonathan Harris: “It has been lovely speaking to you, Nick, I do wish you the very best and of course a Merry Christmas. Come on, Vanessa.”
Nick (-): “You can’t go! You just can’t!”
Jonathan Harris: (whispering) “Quickly, Ness.”
{Sound of hurrying footsteps}
Nick (-): “Get back here!”
Vanessa Wilcock-Wynn-Carroway: “Is he okay? He sounds a bit-”
Jonathan Harris: “Mad! Mad from loneliness! Start the car, I’ll jump in.”
{More hurried footsteps, panting and the sound of a car engine starting}
Sandra Wilkinson: “Uh, Jonathan? Jonathan, is everything quite alright?”
Jonathan Harris: (panting) “Oh, yes. Everything is under control. Leaving is such sweet sorrow and all- AH! Okay, he threw a candy-cane at me. That was sharp. Um, I mean, this is your Christmas Correspondent signing out for now, see you soon for another joyous meet-and-greet with the fair people of- OW! Okay, he’s definitely sharpened those!”
{Feed cuts}
Chris Bean: “That was…fascinating.”
Max Bennett: “I wonder how he keeps the gingerbread smell in the chairs so strong.”
Sandra Wilkinson: “It’s probably best not to ask, sweetie.”
Max Bennett: “Can we get furniture made out of gingerbread, honey?”
Sandra Wilkinson: “Absolutely not, darling.”
Max Bennett: “That’s fair, dear.”
Robert Grove: “This is why we put you two on opposite sides of the table. Sickening, just sickening.”
Chris Bean: “Another tune is in order to lighten the mood after that, uh, disturbing interaction. Sandra, I believe it is your turn to pick a festive classic for us to play.”
Sandra Wilkinson: “An easy choice! (goes back to sultry whisper) Wrap up warm, folks, because Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”
{Baby, It’s Cold Outside by Blaine Anderson & Darren Criss begins to play and then abruptly stops}
Chris Bean: “No! No! Not again! Baby, it is not cold outside!”
Sandra Wilkinson: “Hey! You said we could each have a request.”
Chris Bean: “We’ve already had that request three times! Haven’t you been listening?”
Sandra Wilkinson: “I was busy getting ready for my performance in the bathroom.”
Chris Bean: “Getting ready? What don’t you people understand about the radio? This is an auditory medium, not visual, they cannot see you!”
Sandra Wilkinson: “It is that sort of tone that tells everyone at home you didn’t brush your hair today, Chris.”
Chris Bean: “Well, you didn’t need to- (off mic) And what are you two laughing about? Don’t think I’ve forgotten about the fact you were under express instructions not to play that song again, Trevor!”
Trevor Watson: (off mic, distant) “You said not to play a man and woman singing it. Those were two blokes.”
Chris Bean: “Can you please just play something a little more appropriate?”
Trevor Watson: (off mic, distant) “I think I’ve got just the thing.”
{I Wish It Could be Christmas Everyday by Wizzard plays and fades out}
Chris Bean: “I think it’s safe to say that was dedicated to you, Nick…Now, here with us at the table we have Annie Twilloil, a fellow actor at the Cornley Drama Society.”
Annie Twilloil: “And technician and stage-manager and prop-builder…”
Chris Bean: “An invaluable member of our theatre, there is no doubt, and who has planned a game show for us all.”
Annie Twilloil: “That’s right. Play the trill, Trev!”
{Playful Christmas game show song plays, a cross between the the tune of Underneath the Tree by Kelly Clarkson and the theme song of The Chase}
Annie Twilloil: (Santa voice) “Ho-ho-hello, one and all to Secret Santa Suspects, the game show where contestants are challenged on their noel knowledge. I am Santa Clause, your host-”
Robert Grove: “You’re actually co-host 8.”
Annie Twilloil: (more stilted Santa impression) “Ho-ho-Oh, does a naughty contestant want points deducted before the game has even begun?”
Robert Grove: (grumbles) “No…”
Annie Twilloil: “I thought so-ho-ho! (back to normal voice) As I was about to say, I am your host and I will be asking our two teams Christmas-themed questions where the answer is a person – the Secret Santa. The first team to name them gets the point.”
Chris Bean: “And how exactly are you making two teams out of three people?”
{Door opens}
Trevor Watson: “Sorry I’m late, where do you want me?”
Annie Twilloil: “Just here.”
{Shuffling and chair scraping}
Annie Twilloil: “And there we are. To my left, I have Chris and Trevor – Team Chris-mas – and, to my right, Max and Robert – Team Chris-Max.”
Robert Grove: “A bit samey.”
Chris Bean: (scoffs) “You’re just bitter that your team name isn’t Rob-in or something.”
Max Bennett: “How would that be Christmas-y?”
Chris Bean: “You know: robin.”
Robert Grove: “What does Batman have to do with the holidays?”
Trevor Watson: “I mean, he wears that cowl, don’t he? Must be cold.”
Chris Bean: (sighs) “Not to stoke a team argument already, but shouldn’t you be doing the sound?”
Trevor Watson: “Sandra’s on it. Says she’s never been a fan of pub quizzes.”
Chris Bean: “But she’s just sat there on her phone!”
Trevor Watson: “Does it make you feel better if I say that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 40 minutes?”
Chris Bean: “Surprisingly, it does not.”
Annie Twilloil: (back to Santa voice) “Ho-ho-no fighting please, contestants. Santa gets enough of that from all his elves!”
Trevor Watson: “Are ya planning on keeping that up the whole time, Ann?”
Annie Twilloil: “Oh, young man, you mean ‘are you planning on keeping that up the whole time, Santa?’, because that’s me!”
{Game show theme song plays as background noise}
Annie Twilloil: “Ho-ho-ho round one is general Christmas trivia. Our first question is: Who sung about ‘chestnuts roasting on an open fire’?”
{Game show theme plays through silence}
Max Bennett: “Wait, I know! It’s Chris!”
Robert Grove: “Don’t say it out loud, you fool, they’ll copy!”
Trevor Watson: “Are we supposed to be writing shit down?”
{delayed beeping noise}
Trevor Watson: “Ah, fuck, sorry.”
{delayed beeping sound}
Trevor Watson: “Thanks, Sandra! I get it!”
Chris Bean: “Yes, thank you and no, we are not writing anything down, this is a ‘whoever shouts it out first’ game.”
Max Bennett: “Then do we get the point?”
Annie Twilloil: “Unfortunately, Christopher Bean is not the correct answer.”
{Sad sleigh bell jingle}
Max Bennett: “Aw, but Chris is always complaining about open fires.”
Trevor Watson: “Not chestnuts though.”
{delayed beep}
Trevor Watson: “Oh, come on! That’s not what I meant!”
Chris Bean: “I believe the answer you are looking for, Ann-”
Annie Twilloil: (pointedly jolly laughter)
Chris Bean: “I believe the answer you are looking for, Santa, is Nat King Cole.”
{Happy sleigh bell jingle}
Annie Twilloil: “That is correct! One point for team Chris-mas.”
Robert Grove: “This game is rigged.”
Chris Bean: “That’s not very sporting, Robert.”
Robert Grove: “You’re not very sporting!”
Annie Twilloil: (loud jolly laughter again) “Now for question two: Which two fictional characters popularised the idea of the Gingerbread House?”
{Game show theme plays through silence}
Chris Bean: “I guess that would be Hansel and Gretal, right?”
{Happy sleigh bell jingle}
Annie Twilloil: “Correct again – someone is going to be on Santa’s nice list.”
Robert Grove: “This is ludicrous! Hansel and Gretal didn’t build that house, they just ate the damn thing like a couple of home-wreckers.”
Max Bennett: “Yeah, shouldn’t it be the witch who popularised it? It was her house after all.”
Chris Bean: “But nobody reads Hansel and Gretal for the witch. So, she wasn’t the aspect of the story which made the concept popular.”
Robert Grove: “Sounds like oppression to me.”
Chris Bean: “The witch was not oppressed, she was going to eat the children!”
Robert Grove: “That’s what they get for being so greedy.”
{Packet rustling}
Chris Bean: “That is your second bag of Hot Chocolate Cravings, don’t even lie to me!”
{Sound of game show jingle being played on max volume and microphone feedback}
{Pained groans and then silence}
Annie Twilloil: “That’s better…Now, are we all going to behave ourselves so Santa can read out the rest of these questions?”
{General sounds of confirmation}
Annie Twilloil: “Good.”
{Game show theme restarts at normal volume}
Annie Twilloil: “For our final point in the general trivia round: What were the names of the two astronauts who performed Jingle Bells in space in 1965?”
{Game show theme plays through more prolonged silence}
Trevor Watson: “Come on, Chris. Don’t fail me now.”
Chris Bean: “I’ve never even heard of this incident and why don’t you contribute something to the team?”
Trevor Watson: (noncommittal noise) “Wouldn’t want to step on your toes.”
Robert Grove: “Yes! They’re stumped! Quick, Max, say the right answer before they can think of something.”
Max Bennett: “But I also don’t know the answer.”
Robert Grove: “What is the point of you? Guess then!”
Max Bennett: “Is it Neil Armstrong?”
{Sad sleigh bell jingle}
Max Bennett: “Is it Buzz Aldron?”
{Sad sleigh bell jingle}
Max Bennett: “Matt Damon! What about him?”
Chris Bean: “He wasn’t an astronaut.”
Trevor Watson: “He was in The Martian.”
Chris Bean: “That’s fictional, he never actually went to space in the film, nevermind played Jingle Bells while he was at it.”
Max Bennett: “You’re the one who’s always telling us to method act. Maybe he went to space to prepare for the role.”
{Sad sleigh bell jingle}
Annie Twilloil: “Matt Damon is not the correct answer I’m afraid. Do I have any final guesses before we move on? I need to get back to the old Mrs Clause in the North Pole soon, before there’s trouble in that particular winter wonderland.”
UNKNOWN (?): (slightly garbled) “Is it Wally Schirra and Tom Stafford?”
{Happy sleigh bell jingle}
Annie Twilloil: “Correct! Ho-ho-go team Chris-Max!”
Chris Bean: “Wait, neither of them said the answer!”
Robert Grove: “Yes we did. Didn’t we, Max?”
Max Bennett: (confused) “No.”
Robert Grove: “Yes! Exactly! We said it and you are just jealous of our superior noel knowledge.”
Chris Bean: “No you- Dennis! Dennis, was that you?”
{Garbled static clears}
Dennis Tyde: “Yeah.”
Chris Bean: “And just how long have you been on call for?”
Dennis Tyde: “Max called me back after the first question. He said that you said that this game show was also for people at home, which meant that I could join in on his team.”
Robert Grove: “It’s called levelling the playing field.”
Chris Bean: “It’s called cheating! Annie, you must deduct that point!”
Robert Grove: “That’s not very sporting, Chris.”
{Something slams on table}
Chris Bean: “I’ll show you-“
Annie Twilloil: “Ho-ho-don’t go anywhere, folks! Santa will be back in a shake of Rudolph's tale for the second and final round of Secret Santa Suspects. Now, did someone mention Nat King Cole? I’m no fan of coal myself, but I do love this song.”
{The Christmas Song (Merry Christmas To You) by The Nat King Cole Trio plays and fades out}
{Festive game show theme builds and then fades to background noise}
Annie Twilloil: “Ho-ho-ho, Santa here, back to bring you a special present: the second round of Secret Santa Suspect! Can I get a cheer from everyone in the studio with me?”
{Max Bennett cheers, no one else participates}
Annie Twilloil: “A reminder to contestants that, as a host, Santa does and will play favourites. Any and all points can be deducted at all times. So-ho-ho, let’s try that again: can I get a cheer from everyone in the studio with me?”
{Everyone cheers enthusiastically}
Annie Twilloil: “That’s more like it! To anyone who has just joined us, first, where have you been? If Santa has taken the time out of his schedule to be on the radio, everyone better be tuning in! And, second, don’t worry, you have just joined us in time for the final round of Secret Santa Suspects, the show where contestants need to guess the correct Secret Santa in order to win the big prize!”
{Max Bennett provides an ‘oooh’ sound of intrigue}
Chris Bean: “Yes, I forgot to ask, what actually is this big prize?”
Max Bennett: “Ooooo-”
Chris Bean: (hisses) “Stop it!”
Annie Twilloil: “I am so glad you asked. The big prize-”
{Max Bennett begins to make the same noise, then it becomes muffled, likely due to a hand covering his mouth}
Annie Twilloil: “-are these two tickets to Cornley Cold Feet, Cornley’s own iconic ice-skating rink!”
Trevor Watson: “How’d you get your hands on those? You hate ice-skating.”
Annie Twilloil: (drops Santa voice) “Until this morning the prize was going to be me letting you sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas. Sandra gave me these – something about a sponsorship.”
{cut to sound booth mic}
Sandra Wilkinson: (sultry whisper) “More on that, fair listener, in the next hour.”
{Cut back to mics in studio}
Chris Bean: (whisper) “Trevor, we need to win. I need those two tickets.”
Trevor Watson: (not whispering) “If you’re about to tell me you secretly figure skate, that might just be the best christmas present I’ve ever gotten.”
Chris Bean: (still whispering) “No, no, not that. My aunt and uncle are visiting in the new year. This could be the perfect excuse to get them out of the house for a while.”
Trevor Watson: “They that bad?”
Chris Bean: (whispering) “I’ll put it this way: Last time they were here I had three blood vessels burst.”
Trevor Watson: “Okay, well, if you’re getting both tickets, what do I get from winning this?”
Chris Bean: (whispers) “I’ll give you three days of paid holiday.”
Trevor Watson: (shocked laughter) “You really do hate them! Alright, fuck it, I’m in.”
{Delayed beep}
Trevor Watson: “Sorry.”
Robert Grove: (whispering) “Max, we need to win those tickets.”
Max Bennett: “Ooh, why?”
Robert Grove: (normal volume) “Because Chris wants it so bad, maybe I can trade it with him for something better.”
Max Bennett: “And what do I get?
Robert Grove: “Uhh.”
{Packet crinkling}
Robert Grove: “You can share this packet of Hot Chocolate Cravings with me?”
Max Bennett: “You’re on!”
Dennis Tyde: “Do I get something?”
Robert Grove: “If you agree to put your all into this, we keep you on call to be part of our team.”
Dennis Tyde: “I’m in!”
Chris Bean: (normal volume) “We can all see that is blatant cheating, right?”
Annie Twilloil: (normal voice) “Ah, I may as well give them a fighting chance (back to Santa voice) Though-ho-ho I have a feeling we are all experts in the theme of our second round, where our Secret Santas are ourselves!”
Robert Grove: “Twist.”
Annie Twilloil: “That’s right, our final few questions will be about the merry members of our festive theatre troop. First to say the right name gets the point. Is that clear?”
Chris Bean: “Yes.”
Robert Grove: (scoffs) “Like it’s difficult.”
Max Bennett: “Hell yeah!”
Trevor Watson: (affirmative noise)
Dennis Tyde: “...No.”
{Pause}
Robert Grove: “Max, I fear we have made a terrible judgement.”
{Game show theme tune surges}
Annie Twilloil: “First question: Ho-ho-who out of the Cornley Drama Society’s members once got asked by the local council to remove their Christmas decorations, because it was the start of August?”
Chris Bean: “Who would put it up that early?”
Max Bennett: “So, it’s not you?”
Robert Grove: “That’s just what he wants us to think! I vote that it’s Chris!”
{Sad sleigh bell jingle}
Robert Grove: “Cobblers!”
{Shuffling noise}
Annie Twilloil: “Yes, the man with his hand up wearing a black hoody which says ‘This is my Christmas jumper’.”
Trevor Watson: “Yeah, thanks. Is the answer Vanessa?”
{Happy sleigh bell jingle}
Chris Bean: “Very good work!”
Trevor Watson: “What can I say? I could really use those three days' break.”
Annie Twilloil: “That is a total of three points for team Chris-mas, taking a big lead. They only need one more point to win.”
Robert Grove: “Okay, come on, guys (claps hands aggressively) switch on! This is getting serious!”
Annie Twilloil: “Santa does love a bit of competition. Let’s see if team Chris-Max can pull it out of the sack with this next question: Who once fulfilled the pipe-dream of many a young child and actually received a pony on Christmas day?”
Robert Grove: “Chris!”
{Sad sleigh bell jingle}
Chris Bean: “When have I ever expressed a fondness for horse riding?”
Robert Grove: “I’m not falling for your mind games!”
Max Bennett: (makes buzzer sound with his mouth)
Annie Twilloil: “Yes, you in the Christmas jumper displaying a dog who is also wearing a Christmas jumper.”
Max Bennett: “The Secret Santa you are looking for there, Father Chirstmas, is my wonderful wife: Sandra Wilkinson-Bennett!”
{Happy sleigh bell tune}
Max Bennett: (you can practically hear him punching the air) “Yes!”
Robert Grove: “Yes, excellent team-work there.”
Max Bennett: “I thought you said there was no ‘team’ in Christmas.”
Robert Grove: “When I’m winning, there is.”
Annie Twilloil: “Is this a Christmas miracle? Another point for team Chris-Max, that’s two overall!”
Robert Grove: “No need to act so surprised…”
Annie Twilloil: “And could this spell a blue christmas for our other team. Let’s find out with the next question: Who is well-known for their annual solo renditions of the Nativity story?”
Robert Grove: “Chris!”
{Sad sleigh bell jingle}
Robert Grove: “Poppy-cock!”
Chris Bean: “Why do you always guess me?”
Robert Grove: “The real question is: why are you never the answer? Have you ever thought about that?”
Trevor Watson: “What’s with ‘poppy-cock’, mate? What century are y-”
{Delayed beep}
Trevor Watson: “Now wait, you let Robert say it, why am I getting censored?”
Robert Grove: “I’m the one getting censored! My genius is being overshadowed by these stupid festive questions!”
Annie Twilloil: (strained joy) “I Ho-ho-hope you have thought those words through, Robert.”
Robert Grove: “Ho-ho-shut up! Your questions are Ho-ho-awful! This is a ho-ho-sham!
Trevor Watson: “I think you’re meant to put something at the end that rhymes with ho.”
{Delayed beep}
Trevor Watson: “You’re letting them say it!”
Sandra Wilkinson: (off mic, distant) “It’s just your tone of voice, Trevor, very aggressive.”
Trevor Watson: (off mic) “For the last time, I am not hiring you as a voice coach, Sandra.”
Robert Grove: “I refuse to be a part of a game which is so fundamentally flawed. I mean, a game where I don’t know the answers? What’s even the point?”
Dennis Tyde: “But you do know the answer to this one, Robert. It’s you.”
{Happy sleigh bell jingle}
Dennis Tyde: “Remember, me and mum always come to watch your show. It’s why you and her ended up-“
{Prolonged beeping}
{Pause}
Robert Grove: “Admittedly, I didn’t exactly listen to the question.”
Annie Twilloil: “And that, children, is an important lesson this ho-ho-holiday: always listen to the question before you go complaining about it. Robert, you would have a point deducted-“
{clambering noises, some cheers, some boos}
Annie Twilloil: “-but we are now at a draw and Santa does love a good neck and neck reindeer race. That means we have one question left for teams Chris-mas and Chris-Max to prove themselves true Christmas connoisseurs and win the big prize!”
Max Bennett: “Ooo-“
{Mysterious musical spike plays}
Max Bennett: “That’s even better, sweetie, thank you!”
Annie Twilloil: “Are we all ready for this final question, my little sugarplums?”
{general noises of affirmation}
Dennis Tyde: “…No.”
Max Bennett: “That’s okay, Dennis, we’re just happy you’re here.”
Robert Grove: “I’m not.”
{Tense version of game show theme surges and then fades to background music}
Annie Twilloil: “The final question of this edition of Secret Santa Suspects is: Whose favourite Christmas song is All I Want For Christmas Is You?”
{tense music plays through silence}
Robert Grove: “Well, that’s basic, who would have such simple taste?”
Chris Bean: “Oh, am I not the answer this time around then?”
Robert Grove: “Your taste is basic, Chris, but for someone twice your age.”
Chris Bean: “I reject tha-“
Max Bennett: (makes buzzer noise with his mouth)
Annie Twilloil: “Yes?”
Max Bennett: “Can you be the answer, Santa?”
Annie Twilloil: “Yes.”
Max Bennett: “Then I guess you.”
{Sad sleigh bell jingle}
Max Bennett: “Aw…”
Chris Bean: (off mic) “Sandra, is this your favourite Christmas song?”
Sandra Wilkinson: (distant, off mic) “No, Chris. My favourite Christmas song is Baby, It’s Cold Outside, not that I was allowed to play it.”
Chris Bean: (off mic) “I am not going through this ag- whatever (on mic) Trevor, we need to get this question right! (Louder) Is it Vanessa?”
{Sad sleigh bell jingle}
Dennis Tyde: “Jonathan!”
{Sad sleigh bell jingle}
Robert Grove: “You know what that means: the secret Santa is someone at this table!”
{Mysterious musical spike plays again}
Max Bennett: “Are you the answer this time Chris?”
Chris Bean: “It is a well known fact that my favourite Christmas song is Irving Berlin’s White Christmas.”
Robert Grove: (tuts) “ 80 years too late…”
Chris Bean: “Shut up! (back to unnecessary whisper) Come on, Trevor, what do you think? It has to be one of them right? Typical, the one time I don’t need them to be, they become brilliant actors. Trevor. Trevor? Are you alright? Why have you got your head on the table?”
Robert Grove: “Ha! Look at them, they’re falling apart at the seams!”
{Muffled speech}
Chris Bean: (louder) “Ssh! He’s trying to speak. (back to whisper) Say that again, Trevor.”
{More muffled speech}
Chris Bean: (continued whisper) “Try lifting your head up off the table perhaps.”
Trevor Watson: (sigh)
{Shuffle and squeak of chair, likely as Trevor Watson rights himself}
Annie Twilloil: (barely suppressed laughter, just hanging onto the Santa voice) “Have you got an answer for me there, little boy?”
Trevor Watson: (muttering) “I hate you, Ann.”
Annie Watson: (pointed jolly laughter)
Trevor Watson: (shouting) I hate you, Santa!”
Sandra Wilkinson: (off mic, distant) “Very aggressive, Trevor…”
Chris Bean: (powering on with the whispering) “What is it, Trevor? Do you know the answer? Can we finally win this?”
Trevor Watson: (not whispering) “A week.”
Chris Bean: “Excuse me?”
Trevor Watson: “A week’s holiday.”
Chris Bean: “Yes, alright, fine! Just win us those damn tickets!”
{Tense music plays through silence}
Trevor Watson: “The Secret Santa is…me.”
{Happy sleigh bell jingle which immediately fades into the tune of All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey which plays in background as victory music}
{music gets interrupted intermittently by laughter}
Trevor Watson: “It’s a catchy song, alright!”
Chris Bean: (barely holding himself together) “Of- Of course it is, Trevor. It’s just so unexpected, so- so-“
Robert Grove: (not holding himself together at all) “So utterly embarrassing for you!”
{Laughter grows stronger}
Trevor Watson: “You all suck!”
{delayed beeping sound}
Trevor Watson: “I didn’t mean- Oh, fuck it! Collect your bloody-“
{delayed beeping sound}
Trevor Watson: (raises voice) “Your bloody tickets, Chris! I’ll be in the sound booth if you need me.”
{sound of receding footsteps}
Chris Bean: “Oh, come on, Trevor, don’t-“
{Door slamming}
Annie Twilloil: (Santa voice is full force) “Never mind that Scrooge! I ho-ho-hope everyone enjoyed this edition of Secret Santa Suspects, my players were Chris Bean, Trevor Watson, Robert Grove, Max Bennett and, joining us remotely, Dennis Tyde! Thank you so much for tuning in and don’t go-ho-ho anywhere!”
Chris Bean: “That’s quite right, Mr Clause, there is still plenty more to come in our second hour. Just after this break we will be checking back in on our Christmas Correspondent, then we have some special guest callers and Robert will be giving us a, uh, doing something.”
Annie Twilloil: “Buckle up, kiddies, and get ready for this rocking Christmas morning ride. But first, there’s someone at the top of my nice list who I think deserves to hear his favourite Christmas tune properly. Trevor, Santa wants to know: what do you want for Christmas?”
{All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey plays and fades out}