Chapter Text
Looking at the ceiling of her room she has been awake for longer than she would like to admit, she had noticed something changing between Zooble and herself and it made her theoretical heart beating faster when she thought about it.
It wasn’t bad, on the contrary, she had grown used to how things had been, how still and repetitive the circus could be, but Zooble made her feel like she could become a new version of herself. She could even improve !
They make her feel like everything that makes her who she is is valuable, the good, the bad, the ugly, even the failures that lead her to this point of her life.
That’s why she couldn’t fall asleep, she likes Zooble romantically, it is undeniable now that it crossed her mind and she is almost certain Zooble feels the same.
That’s what she wants to believe at least, otherwise she just doesn’t understand why they would spend so much time hanging out together just the two of them. After all they would often spend hours on end talking, even just being in the same room together in silence was comfortable. There wasn’t anyone else she was able to do that with.
A smile creeps on her face despite her comedy mask not having been reseted yet, she is certain that the relationship Zooble and herself have is special, she wants to confirm it, she doesn’t want to wait anymore, it already took too long for her to figure it out. She knows it will go smoothly, everything is easy with Zooble, that’s how they grew so close to begin with.
Her eyes drift up to the clock in her room.
And sure enough it's already late into the night by now, it was already two in the morning and she hadn’t gotten any sleep.
Her thoughts about Zooble had kept her mind wide awake for hours on end and she didn’t expect those to fade away any time soon if she didn’t make a move.
She pulls the blanket off of herself , sliding her legs over the edge of her bed, she stands up, making her way to her door before she could overthink her decision. With a pull she opens her door open, she slides out quietly, closing it carefully behind herself, making sure it wouldn’t make any loud sound. She doesn’t want to wake up the others for no reason.
With carefully quiet yet hurried steps she makes her way to Zooble’s room, their room is right beside hers making it a short walk, and that’s if you could even call that a walk with how ridiculously close it was.
Her eyes fall onto Zooble’s portrait on their door, her already present smile widening a little at the sight.
She raises her hand tapping her ribbon against the door, a small knocking sound resonating in the quiet hallway. She didn’t let herself overthink her choice but maybe she should have asked herself if waking Zooble up in the middle of the night just to validate her suspicion wasn’t that smart of a decision.
It had been a few seconds since she had knocked, maybe if she backed down now and simply went back to her bedroom she wouldn't wake Zooble up at such an unreasonable hour for a singular question.
Just when she was about to walk back to her room she hears the sound of the door unlocking. She freezes a little looking at Zooble with wide eyes.
They look at her with confusion, their eyes skinted slightly from being woken up, they lean against the frame of their door, their eyes never leaving Gangle.
She taps her hands together, feeling her cheeks heat up with embarrassment, she really hopes that her mask can’t blush, or that if it can that Zooble can’t see it in the dim light, she glances away and toward her own door, second thought getting to her by now. Maybe she can still get out of this before embarrassing herself ?...
Zooble rubs their eyes, clearly trying to wake themselves up properly so they can figure out why they were woken up in the middle of the night for “Gangle… are you alright ?...” their voice carries a sluggish quality from lack of use for the past few hours.
“Oh, y-yeah, I’m so sorry for waking you up, I just… I’ve been thinking and I couldn’t sleep,” she glances back at Zooble, her eyes apologetic but a small smile stays on her face “I thought… wait can I come inside first so we can talk ?”
Zooble’s brow knit together for a second but they step aside letting Gangle walk in. They keep a close eye on her as she sits herself on their bed, she looks nervous, her hands wrapped together and what they could read as Gangle playing with her hands to distract herself from her thoughts. It wasn’t as easy as she thought it would be, but even if it wasn’t, Zooble’s presence soothes her.
They close their door, joining her on the bed, leaning back against the wall to make themselves comfortable, they simply wait for Gangle to continue what she was explaining, letting her take all the time she needs to sort out the words.
Gangle let out a little sigh, leaning back and supporting herself with an arm as she glances at Zooble, their eyes meeting, it seems to help her relax further, her expression becoming softer. “We’ve been hanging out a lot lately,” Zooble nods at her words in agreement, staying quiet, hoping it’ll encourage her to continue, “and I realised something about that tonight.”
A moment of silence hangs in between them in the quiet darkness of Zooble’s room, the world felt peaceful at this moment, in the circus it often felt like something wacky was happening constantly, like it was always loud, from the way it looks to what happens, but for a moment between them it felt more grounded.
“I think we should be more than just friends, Zooble. You’re here for me in ways no one else is capable of, being with you makes me feel like everything is easier, and no matter how I turned it in my head I came to the same conclusion. You and I both feel the same, right ?” She smiles at Zooble but they aren’t smiling back at her, they don't even react for a few seconds but to Gangle it felt like a lot longer than that, her smile fell but her eyes stayed glued toward Zooble nonetheless, refusing to miss the moment they finally react in some way.
“So what you’re saying, is that you like me ?” It’s the only thing they ask her, their tone is neutral, there isn’t more to it and it makes Gangle grow more nervous, her mouth feels dry.
She nods her head, no words wanting to make their way out of her mouth.
Zooble shifts themselves, sitting up and scooting closer to Gangle, “I’m really flattered Gangle,” their voice is soft, it’s almost like they’re scared of breaking her, “ you’re an amazing friend to me, but… I’m sorry… I don’t feel the same way.”
Her heart sinks, she couldn’t look at Zooble anymore, her eyes falling to the ground, she really wishes she had her comedy mask right now, she could feel the tears coming to her eyes already.
She just wanted to run out of the room and bury herself under her covers in shame and cry until she couldn’t feel anything anymore. But she doesn’t, forcing herself to hold back her tears the best she can. It’s not like Zooble had never seen her cry, everyone in the circus had, but this time she really didn’t want anyone to see her cry, it was different, it was personal.
Zooble puts a careful hand on her back, in the corner of her eyes she could see their worried expression. She didn’t want to face them anymore, she doesn’t know how she fooled herself into thinking that Zooble of all people could like her that way, it was already a miracle that they were friends. Yet she went in and ruined it all.
She wanted to laugh at how stupid she felt, which she did, the laugh clearly catching Zooble off guard, confusion and worry etching itself into their eyes.
Her laugh sounded off even to her ears, it didn’t hold any cheer but only an eerie emptiness. She forces a small smile on her face and raises her head, glancing at Zooble, she pushes herself off the bed and onto her feet. Away from Zooble’s attempt to comfort her, their thoughtful and comforting touch felt more like knives no matter how gentle it was. She craved the closeness earlier but now it was the last thing she wanted.
“It’s okay, I…” it was hard to get the words out but she forces them to nonetheless even it felt like fighting herself “I just needed to get that out of my chest…thank you for listening, that’s- that's all I needed.” Her voice trembled against her will with the last few words.
She quickly walks to the door, hearing Zooble stand up behind her “Goodnight Zooble see you tomorrow.” As she quickly steps out and closes the door behind herself she can hear Zooble calling her name but she knows she can’t face them any longer without breaking.
So she runs back to her own room, making sure to lock the door behind herself before she jumps on her bed, the tears falling down her mask, ugly sobs leave her, making her whole body shake with each one of them.
She felt like much more than an idiot right now. She was a complete and utter fool, and she had probably ruined her friendship with Zooble by confessing, and there isn’t a doubt in her mind that they got weirded out by her now.
They probably won’t even be friends anymore. With that thought another sob bubbles up out of her mouth. She buries her face into her pillow, letting her tears fall freely without holding them back. She won’t find peace tonight, not with the sorrow in her heart and even less with the horrible thoughts racing through her mind.
Without meaning to she soon falls unconscious
There is the sound of a door creaking, being opened, it stirs her out of the darkness of dreamless sleep and back to digital reality. She peels her face off of the pillow, wincing as light floods her vision, her head pounding.
Gangle couldn’t remember falling asleep, but it clearly wasn’t her biggest problem right now.
“Wow, did you throw yourself in a washing machine ribbon ? You look…” She can hear an irritating snicker “wrinkled.”
She squints her eyes, seeing Jax standing in her doorway. She stares at him for a few seconds before letting her face fall back into her pillow, hiding her face with it completely.
“I don’t even get a hello? I thought you had more manners than that, maybe out of the two of us you’re the rude one.” There is the sound of the door closing. Gangle prays that for once Jax deemed her not entertaining enough and left her alone.
That obviously would never happen and the sound of approaching footsteps confirms it. She let out a quiet groat of frustration, the sound muffled by her pillow.
She raises her head from her pillow, turning herself to the side, her back to the rabbit, it doesn’t seem like a wise choice but she honestly feels too numb to care. “Jax… Please… get out… just this once…” her voice is weak, it’s only a whisper and she wasn’t even sure that he heard her.
She can’t see him but she hears his step stopping for a second, so he did hear her, but he clearly doesn’t care because he is still walking toward her.
She shouldn’t have tried to ask to begin with, it’s not like Jax ever listens to what she wants, she is almost sure that he only let her be in another team then his in the gun off because Zooble spoke up about it, he would never respect her choices.
The thought of Zooble makes her feel like her insides are being squeezed, a quiet sob leaves her without meaning too.
“I haven’t even done anything yet ribbons, what are you even crying about ?”
There is snicker in his voice, it frustrates her but she doesn’t answer, only rubbing her eyes, in an attempt to hide her tears.
“If you don’t care I’ll just snoop in your room” Jax’s voice was teasing, clearly trying to get a reaction out of her.
She can hear his footsteps, then the sound of her desk drawers being pulled open, as well as the clattering of jax rummaging through them, humming to himself in an obnoxious fashion.
“Jax,” she whines, pushing herself in a sitting position, her hands resting securely on the mattress, her blankets covering half of her body as she glances back at Jax who doesn’t turn to look at her, nor bother to answer. She knows that all he wants is to get some sort of reaction out of her, she knows him well by now, but she doesn’t have it in herself to simply ignore him and the way he is invading her privacy.
“Can you please leave ?” She asks, exhaustion clear in her voice.
“Oh so nooow we’re talking ?” He hums, taking a pen out of her drawer, eyes scanning it for a time before throwing it over his shoulder and on the ground.
Gangle looks at the pen, a small frown growing on her face as she scoots closer to the desk, the blanket under her wrinkling with her movement, “just... Please…”
Jax laughs, looking back at Gangle with a big smile “and tell me why I would ?” he puts a finger against his cheek, playing up an innocent expression.
Gangle runs her ribbon hands over her face with a sigh, staying quiet and just looking down at the ground.
“Really ribbons, nothing ?” He turns toward her, he puts his elbow on the bed resting his head on his palm.
She could see his usual smile etched onto his face, but she was getting more annoyed the more she looked at him “I really don’t want to see anyone today…”
He raises an eyebrow at her, but quickly straightens his expression once again. “Are you getting into your rebellious phase? Look at you, you’re growing up so fast !”
Gangle glares at Jax, which only makes him snicker, “Wow you’re actually getting angry, what’s gotten into you ? Zooble didn’t want to kiss you goodnight or something ?” He chuckles to himself before looking back at her.
Tears come up to her eyes pooling at the corner of her eyes, her frown deepening and lips quivering. Jax’s expression turns to one of surprise, he seems concerned for a second before a wide smile appears on his face.
“No way. Did Zooble and you have a fight ?” He falls into a fit of laughter, covering his eyes as his amusement resonates through the otherwise quiet bedroom.
She watches him fall backward as he keeps laughing, soon wiping his eyes with his index dramatically. Gangle doesn’t know if he actually laughed so hard it made him tear up or if he is playing it off.
Either way she feels herself boiling inside.
Gangle reaches behind her, taking a hold of her pillow and throws it at Jax’s face with as much force as she can.
She is breathing hard, eyes locked onto Jax, he looked taken aback by the pillow attack, it hadn’t hurt him, as obvious as it was but the action itself seemed to have shocked him more than any pain would have.
“Are you serious right now ?! I know you like to tease me, I put up with it, I put up with you doing whatever you want whenever you want ! And you can’t leave me alone for one single f$&%ing day !” Gangle feels her face heating up as she keeps screaming her breathing growing more ragged, her whole body feels tense. She is so angry right now, so tired, and all of it is making her heart ache.
She feels a laugh leave her, one of disbelief, the sound sad even through her anger.
“I shouldn’t expect you of all people to let me have space but I really thought you’d maybe listen this one time but no! You have to invade my privacy and- and push my buttons.” The anger in her voice slowly fades as the words keep flowing out of her mouth without any thought. She feels the tears falling down her mask.
Jax stays quiet, his eyes scanning Gangle, more serious than she had ever seen before.
It doesn’t stay like that for long his usual smile replacing the unusual expression, he sits himself back comfortably on the floor, resting his weight on his arms as he leans back.
“Sooo what’s gotten you so worked up ?” His voice is light, like being yelled at or looking at someone cry doesn’t phase him.
Jax looking so casual soothes something in Gangle, she is still frustrated with him but a part of her wants to take advantage of his presence. She lets out a deep sight, her body slowly sinking in on itself as she lets the tension fade out, she wipes her eyes only for tears to come back, this time sitting at the corner of her eyes instead of running down her face.
She let her gaze fall to her hands in her laps, a part of her whispers in disbelief of what she’s about to do, but an other part of her just wants to let her pain out.
“I… I talked to Zooble yesterday,” her voice wavers but she continues nonetheless “I told them… that I have feelings for them,” she pauses, swallowing her saliva, at least that’s how it felt even if she technically couldn’t.
She expected Jax to make some joke at her expense, but he didn’t, looking up she sees a thoughtful expression on his face. She wanted to get more off of her mind but it felt like fighting herself, she felt like admitting to what happened would make it more real then it already was. SHe couldn’t, but she didn’t need to because Jax happily shared his opinion.
“Zoobie didn’t like that uh? Come on, that’s lame to be sad over them not wanting to play house with you !” He pushes himself up to his feet, his eyes staying on Gangle the whole time, he puts his hand on his hip. “What you gotta do is show them that you don’t need them ! I’m all for making Zoobie worked-up so I’ll help you ! You don’t need to thank me,” his smile is unwavering, seeming to have fun with the situation.
Shaking her head, Gangle keeps a close eye on Jax “ I don’t want to do anything against Zooble… it’s not their fault they don’t feel the way I do…”
“Laaaame, even coming from you ! I can’t believe you’re just gonna hide in your room over them,” he shakes his head, lifting his hands in resignation.
“I’m not really hiding…” she pulls her legs to her chest, staring at the blanket intensely, avoiding Jax’s gaze at all cost. She can see him stepping closer to her, soon sitting on the bed next to her.
“We both know that it’s exactly what you’re doing, you can’t fool me, ribbons.” Gangle glances at him from the corner of her eyes.
“You’re acting weird…” The comment makes Jax glare at her. His pupils are smaller than usual, their square shape gaining sharper angles with the intensity of his expression, his mouth downturn into a scowl. The proportion of his face feeling unordinary. A giggle leaves her lips, unable to stop it before it surfaces. “What kind of face is that ?”
“Since when do you make fun of me ?” He asks with fake upset, putting his palm onto her forehead , he grabs onto her mask and playfully pushes her onto the bed as she keeps giggling. She weakly tries to push his hand away, not putting any true force in it, too busy laughing to fight him.
“Sorry it just- it was so weird, it became funny” laying on the bed she watched as a smile that looked more sincere than she ever saw on his face appeared, “thank you Jax.” Her voice is soft, the sadness her words held before having vanished. She felt better, but in a singular second the air shifted around them.
“Never say that again,” his smile vanishes as soon as he says that, pushing himself up and off the bed, “I’ll tell Caine you can’t come for the adventure so you can stay here all day like you wanted.”
Gangle sits up quickly, her eyes darting to Jax opening the door. She couldn’t understand how quickly everything changed. A strange urge rushes through her, a singular thought clouds her mind for a second, she doesn’t want Jax to leave her alone.
“Wait-” to her surprise he stops in the doorway, tilting his head to the side, their eyes meet. Gangle feels her face flush, fidgeting with her hands, she realises she doesn’t know what she wanted to tell him. The mischievous smile on Jax’s face appears as he waits for her to talk, growing bored of waiting for her.
“I’m waiting ribbons,” leaning against the doorframe he can see how deep in thought she is “I know you love spending time with me, honestly who wouldn’t, don’t worry your little ceramic head too much, I’ll be back to break your happy mask after today’s adventure.” With a wink and blowing her a kiss he steps out, closing the door behind himself.