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The stars were very pretty seen from the ground. In between the blades of grass, Jiseok looked up at them with hazy eyes, earphones deep inside his ears, blasting the same song on loop for the past two hours as he laid down still, undisturbed.
In his mind, hundreds of thoughts. They wouldn’t stop flowing and he hated that he couldn’t stop them. The stars weren’t helping him. The music was more or less helpful: it didn’t make him stop thinking about everything, but it made him think of something slightly better.
Or rather someone.
Someone who his beating heart belonged to.
Yet his love felt so distanced, still and hidden in his chest. He had never let it speak out loud, he had just let it have a taste of freedom from time to time, whenever there was a shared laughter, a gentle gesture, a stolen gaze. In other times, Jiseok let it long in the dark like he was doing right now. Wishing upon shooting stars that one day he wouldn’t be such a coward about it.
As a flash of light flew across the sky, he closed his eyes tightly and hoped his prayers would be heard. And when he opened them again, he realized maybe the stars had finally heard him.
Right above him was a familiar face, one that hadn’t been there before he closed his eyes, one that he didn’t expect to see at this very moment, but one he was wishing for.
“Seungmin…”
He smiled at him, like he always did. That smile Jiseok loved so much. “Mind if I join you?” Seungmin asked.
Never in a lifetime would Jiseok mind his company. They could be standing next to each other, doing and saying nothing and Jiseok would still enjoy it. So he nodded, silently inviting the boy to lay down with him in the grass.
It was very natural, the way Seungmin comfortably sat down to watch the stars, stealing one of Jiseok’s earphones in the process. “Last night on earth huh? One of these days?”
“Yeah… How did you know I was there?” He asked, his eyes still focused on Seungmin.
“You always come here whenever you have too much on your mind. I knew where to look.”
Jiseok’s heart couldn’t help but shrink in his ribcage. It was aching from the invisible barrier it was setting between the two of them. Too much love to give, yet too scared to do it.
He sighed and rolled back to watch the stars again. The lyrics in his left ear were silently teasing him, maybe even mocking him. The one who he thought about while listening to it, right next to him but out of reach. How ironic was that?
“What would you do if tonight was your last night on earth?” He asked, almost like a whisper. He wasn’t even sure Seungmin had heard him but when he felt him turn around to look at him, he turned back to meet his gaze.
It stung how close they were right now. Jiseok could almost feel his breath on his lips.
“I think I’d call my family to tell them I love them.”
And Jiseok’s heart shrank even more.
“Right… I guess it makes sense.”
“What? Wouldn’t you want to be with someone you love?”
Seungmin’s sentence stung even more as he was the one saying it. Jiseok could only stare painfully at him, seeing what he wished for so far despite being only mere centimeters apart from it.
“I suppose so, yeah…”
His gaze landed lower, in the void where he stared absent mindedly. He couldn’t help but shiver when he felt Seungmin’s hand push a strand of hair behind his ear. His eyes jumped back to his, where he met this familiar face he couldn’t get enough of.
“Tell me what’s on your mind Jiseok…”
Looking into Seungmin’s eyes, he felt some sort of safety. One that didn’t pressure him, one that didn’t have any judgement towards him.
It felt like home.
“Sometimes…” He starts, “I feel like the world is about to crumble and I’ll lose everything I love in the blink of an eye… And I’m scared of getting attached because if it ever were to happen, the pain would be unbearable…” Seungmin listens carefully, pushing another strand of hair away from Jiseok’s face. He looks beautifully sad in the moonlight. “I think that’s why I’m not daring….” Jiseok continues, “I’m not daring but at the same time I wish I could have what I desire. I’m just too scared of losing it all in the end.”
“Everything is meant to end one way or another, but I think the pain of sharing your love is worth more than the pain of not doing it…”
It sounds sweet on Seungmin’s tongue. Jiseok wants to be lured by his words but he still can’t. He still has that invisible barrier he’s set between them that for some reason doesn’t want to be taken down.
“I’m scared I will take it for granted if I do it though… I’m scared that if I fall into comfort, I might forget the ephemerality of it and end up wasting it… It’s happened before Seungmin, you know it did… One day you think you have all your life ahead of you to share your love with him and the next day he’s gone and everything you said you’d do later ends up never existing… I don’t want this to happen to us Seungmin… I don’t want to lose you…”
It’s not the first time he implied it, ‘them’. Even when nothing was official and even when nothing had happened between them yet, it had always lingered there. A domesticity of some sort, an unspoken comfort that they both found shelter in.
But again, there was also the frustration of not daring to go beyond. For Jiseok, it was because he was mortified to take the leap. Not knowing what laid ahead of them scared him to death. He couldn’t help but think about everything that would go wrong and even worse; that it’d all be his fault.
But then when Seungmin looked at him like this, with all the love in the world in his eyes, his hand softly cradling his face and his soft smile on as he always did, every bad thought left Jiseok’s mind. There was only Seungmin, only them.
“You didn’t ask me what I’d do after.” Seungmin said after a short silence. It feels out of the blue compared to what he was saying just seconds after, Jiseok couldn’t help but frown in confusion. “After what?”
“After I’d call my family. If it was my last night on earth.”
“What would you do after you’d call them?”
As an answer, Seungmin only leaned forward and gently pressed his lips against his. The contact lasted just an instant, short but electrifying, leaving Jiseok with his eyes wide open and his mouth slightly agape.
“I’d kiss you until it’d end…” Seungmin answered and Jiseok could already feel the tears pooling around his eyes.
It felt unreal, like a dream. Jiseok was afraid it’d all be gone if he made a wrong move, yet this was everything he had wished for. A silent plea he had kept secret, only for the stars to hear. It was equally exhilarating as it was scary.
It felt like it was his last night on earth.
“How do you know it’s not tonight..?” He answered in a trembled whisper.
Despite the anxiety in his stomach, Seungmin still smiled at him. Soft and gentle and reassuring as always. Not too much, not too less, just good enough. “Hm, you’re right…”
And when Seungmin’s lips met his again, Jiseok let it all spill out of his body. His tears rolled down to his lips, leaving a salty aftertaste to the countless kisses they shared.
It didn’t feel so fragile anymore, this moment, Jiseok allowed himself to melt into the embrace, to take in every feeling and emotion that came with it, to feel Seungmin’s hand cradling his cheek and the other nested around his hip. It felt warm and sweet, better than what he secretly dreamed about. And it felt comforting, like all his worries had flown away with every kiss Seungmin pressed against his lips.
His tears kept falling, but he didn’t cry them out of sadness but of relief. A relief he felt because suddenly the barrier between them had been broken and because it didn’t feel so intimidating to take the leap even if he didn’t know what awaited beyond.
When they parted, it didn’t feel awkward, it felt just right, like it had always been when they were together. They stood face to face, quietly admiring each other until Jiseok broke the silence again.
“Aren’t you scared?”
“Of what?” Seungmin asked back.
“Of what could happen…”
For a moment, Seungmin stared silently, thinking. “I don’t think I’m as scared of not knowing what would happen as I am of not being enough…”
His sentence surprised Jiseok. He hadn’t expected this to come from him, especially given that Seungmin had been the one to make the first move. “What do you mean by that?”
“I’m scared that the emotions and feelings I want to share with others won’t be perceived the same way I intend them to… And I wouldn’t want people to… I don’t know, get bored or mad or hurt by me because of that…”
“Seungmin…”
It hurt to see him like that, he who was usually so strong all the time. Yet at the same time, Jiseok felt grateful that Seungmin felt comfortable enough to share this with him. It was touching in a way.
“You’re such a caring person though… An attentive and loving one…” Jiseok said as he gently held his face.
“I try my best…”
“And that’s good enough… For me, you’ll always be.”
And there it was again, Seungmin’s smile. Jiseok had barely processed the fact that it had come back that Seungmin was stealing a kiss from him again. “As you will always be for me. I know you have a lot of worries as I do… But I know that with you, it’ll be easier for me. And I hope that with me, it can be easier for you as well.”
Hearing it out loud made Jiseok feel lighter. It’s like the previous minutes had not happened and like the next ones didn’t matter anymore. “Thank you… I know it will…”
“Good. You should check your mail in the next few days because I sent a postcard with all my love for you.”
Jiseok giggled at his insinuation, scooting closer to him. “Is that a Green day reference?” He asked, faking his naivety.
“Why does Billie Joe Armstrong take all the credit, hm? I’m the one wooing my boyfriend with his lyrics, not him.”
“Boyfriend huh? Does Billie know that?” he teased. When Seungmin looked back at him, his expression got more serious but still as cheeky.
“I don’t know about him… But I know that I’d like very much if you’d do me the honor of being the moonlight of my life…”
And Jiseok was back to laughing at his antics once again. Seungmin followed suit, pulling him closer by the hips so he could pamper his neck with kisses as their laughter filled the atmosphere around them.
“You’re such a sap…” Jiseok said between giggles.
Seungmin left one last kiss on the crook of his neck before facing him again “Only for you… So is that a yes then? If this turns out not to be our last night on earth, I’d really want to take you on a date.”
Jiseok didn’t know where he had found such a perfect match, but he was more than happy to accept his request. His heart felt relieved that it could finally let go of all the love it had clung onto for years to give it to Seungmin, to whom it belonged. “That sounds great… I’d be honored…”
And as Seungmin sealed their lips once again, it didn’t matter whether or not the world was about to end tonight. What mattered was that Jiseok’s burdens were lighter with someone to hold his hand.
“I love you Jiseok, I hope you know that… And I hope you know I’ll always be there for you no matter what.”
“ Me too… And I love you too, so so much…”
The stars were very pretty seen from the ground, but kissing Seungmin in the grass was a much more pleasant activity than gazing at them. In their ears, the song kept looping, basking them into this nostalgic atmosphere as they kissed further into the night.
Because their beating hearts belonged to each other and they knew their love would make it through.