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Komaeda knew he shouldn’t be here.
This meeting was for Hinata only, and he knew that by sneaking along without his lover's consent, he was breaching a lot of trust here, with Hinata and the future foundation. But, he also knew that if he didn’t do this, he would be left in the dark for a long time, if not forever.
The seat he’s in is uncomfortably pleasant, red velvet cushions and the back of the chair was slanted rather than a straight line. The whole room itself was eeriely nice, chandeliers in high ceilings but dark enough to hide the faces of the people setting drinks down and obviously trading in their current comfort for a larger check.
He didn’t think Hinata was the kind of person to go to these parties, if you could even call them that. More like business deals where everyone was trying to juke the other out of everything. Komaeda sat at a back table, more towards the exit for a swift escape in case something goes wrong.
He hasn’t touched his drinks, nor the small pile of breadsticks some waiter had tried to give him, obviously in for more than just serving the people here. Komaeda had thanked him but showed no more interest, which thankfully, was noticed and the waiter went on to go over to another customer. Komaeda knew that some people were desperate for power and to live better lives, and a nagging part of him thinks that it was great that they were to go through the despair of being a toy to then become something greater, but the more medicated part of him knew that most were probably just going to fall back to rock bottom once they’d been played with.
Komaeda’s been scanning the crowd for any sign on Hinata, but to no luck. He knew that most probably were avoiding him, with a hoodie to cover his face in the dark room and a barely cleaned white shirt that he was planning on washing tonight had he not jumped at the opportunity to follow Hinata.
But finally, his eyes caught onto a short and spikey head of hair, and behold, there Hinata was, muttering and discussing something with a large group of people. He can see a few other people from the future foundation, mostly bodyguards, but some others who held files and screens.
Hinata seems busy at work, talking in a hushed voice. Komaeda can’t hear from where he was sitting, so he silently stands and puts ¥1000 on the table before walking through the crowds, avoiding drawing attention, more or less blending in with the waiters than the people around here. He stands against the wall, Hinata’s back to him as he ducks under a table, hushed whispers turning into mildly quiet sentences that Komaeda’s ears can finally pick up on.
“Now come on, don’t be like that.”
A darker voice muttered, and Komaeda already disliked the person behind it, even if he didn’t get a good view on it.
“The Future Foundation has very little time for this, you understand? We need intel.”
Hinata’s voice cuts through, and Komaeda closes his eyes to try and focus further on what they were talking about. From what Komaeda knew, Intel was precious for the future foundation, but was Hinata really needed here?
“Well, sorry, but I’m afraid that measly ¥100,000 won’t cut it. Y’know how little that is in other countries?”
Komaeda can hear a guard scoff, whether it was from the future foundation or whoever Hinata was talking to, he wasn’t sure.
Komaeda, despite his best efforts to keep listening, wonders how he didn’t notice this. This being, this whole operation. Hell, he’s sure that if he was home he’d already be asleep by now, the dark hours of the night having his eyes feel droopy and sagged despite his former pastime of staying up to argue with people online of how they too can become stepping stones for hope.
He can’t seem to realise how long he’d been disassociating until he realises that Hinata and that man had stopped talking, he peeks out to make sure no one was around the table before sneaking out and sliding up against the wall again. Hinata and the man were still there, but engaged in some kind of duel with their eyes that Komaeda can’t infer from far away. He feels a little sick in all honesty, what was the other doing? Why didn’t he just… tell Komaeda this was what was happening?
But the room had gone quiet.
He stood there, watching the two just like everyone else was, the room going cold, as if someone had just dropped a glass of wine on a white carpet. The lights, so warm before, seemed to become more and more bright as time went on, and Komaeda wondered if this was when the gunfire would ring out, and something would go terribly wrong because of him -- because of his luck.
Komaeda almost wants to shiver, but any movement felt like it would corner him out, and people would realise he’s here, and frankly, not supposed to be.
The crowd seems to come back to life little by little, whispers of the waiters and the people here, in their dark suits and fancy hats fill the hall, but no one's attention fully leaves the two men in the furthest of the room. Komaeda stares, and still, wonders how long Hinata’s been hiding that he does secret missions at night. Komaeda’s not sure he’s ever remembered the other coming home later than 12am, and he always awoke to the other next to him.
Was the other sneaking out while Komaeda was asleep? Somehow it makes Komaeda feel sick even though he knew that the other was just doing these business deals, rather than anything worse.
He doesn’t like how the man opposite Hinata looks at him. He doesn’t like the predatory look in his eye, and he didn’t like how he muttered for one of his little guards to get another round of drinks without taking his eyes off Hinata. Komaeda decides right then and there that he hates that man.
Komaeda wants to walk around, to see what Hinata was thinking, but he knew that Hinata had a much higher chance of becoming aware that he was here than the man who probably had no idea of his existence. Just another person to watch him eye Hinata like he was a toy, just like all the waiters and waitresses that he probably has watched drape themselves over high powered men and women.
He really hates that man.
People quietly whispered, and moved around, their eyes still locked onto the two people still glaring at each other. Komaeda wished it just turned into a gunfight rather than see the man lean in, and mutter something to Hinata.
He hates how close the man was getting. He should just put a bullet into the man's head right now rather than waste this time. But he can’t. His gun is still in his office, left in his rush to go after Hinata.
Plus, he’s sure he’d be fired on the spot, seeing as this was probably between the Future Foundation and whatever intel source the man was a part of, rather than simply Hinata and the man. It doesn’t mean that he was any happier about Hinata being the one to be here, when Komaeda knew there were probably hundreds of other people that could easily fill Hinata’s place here. But they won’t, because Hinata has to ‘make up’ for his crimes, even though Komaeda could argue for years and years that he was of no right mind.
Komaeda watches as Hinata pulls away from the man, his head turning away ever so slightly, and Komaeda wished he could just see how disgusted he was with the man, but he knew that Hinata’s face was probably neutral, as to not damage or cause difficulties in such a trade.
“C’mon, you know what I want.”
Komaeda really, really, hates that man.
Hinata doesn’t move, and Komaeda wonders if he’ll actually take what the other is asking, and Komaeda almost wants to scream. It’s so disgusting, it’s so wrong, and he can't say anything.
“I can’t do that.”
“And why not.”
It doesn’t sound like a question, and Komaeda has to hold back from puking. The sound of him swallowing back whatever little he had for lunch sounds too loud in his throat, and he wonders if Hinata will know he’s here just from that.
He won’t, Komaeda knows he won’t.
“I believe we’re done here. If you don’t accept our proposal, then we’ll take our business elsewhere.”
Hinata stands, and doesn’t even flinch when the man's hand grabs onto him-- but Komaeda grits his teeth, and his hands itch for something to throw at the man.
“What, got someone to stay with for the night?”
Komaeda doesn’t like how Hinata just sits there and lets the man grasp his arm. Has this happened before? Why hasn’t Hinata said anything about it?
And then the insecurities come rushing back to him. Despite all the effort that Hinata and everyone has been doing to tell him he’s enough, the way that Hinata just lets all this happen, letting the man get in his face--
He feels sick.
He slips through the crowds once more, muttering small ‘excuse me’s and walking away from the table that seemed to have everyone’s interest so he can get back home. Was it his home? Well, he thought it was. Hinata surely didn’t let everyone touch him like that? It was just because he didn’t want to actually get rid of the man right? No, that sounds even worse.
Komaeda’s mind races as his steps echo through the dark streets, his hands in his pockets as his mind spirals. Hinata hasn’t done anything wrong, right? It would be that man's fault if something happens.
Why is he thinking like this?
Why would Hinata let the man…
There’s nothing going on between them, right?
Komaeda has to pause, and throw up in some alley way before he can continue walking down the streets. He didn’t get a good view of the man, but he was sure that he wasn’t someone that Hinata would be into. Hinata wouldn’t do something with the man just for the intel though, right?
His mind is just doing circles, and by the time he realises he’s home, it’s well past midnight, and he can hear a car outside. It has the creaky door, so he can already tell it’s one of the future foundation cars. He fidgets with the door and unlocks it, closing it quietly and locking it again, jogging to the bedroom with a sense of anxiety gnawing at him as he sets his shoes down in the closet and grabs his pj’s in the same breath.
He runs to the bathroom as he hears footsteps get closer to the frontdoor, his heart racing as he slams the bathroom door just as the front door opens. Not like whoever was there at the front door would see the bathroom door from there, but he knew he made too much noise as footsteps seem to quickly approach just as he locks the door and stumbles backwards into the wall.
His uniform was too sticky, and his face was too cold. Everything felt too cold.
Ah, what rotten luck.
There’s quiet shuffling outside the door, but Komaeda was much more interested in the bathroom door as he slid down the wall, his breathing slightly heavy as he wondered what could have happened while he was walking home. Hinata wouldn’t do anything. Would he? He supposed he could have done anything, seeing as Komaeda had no idea about these meetings until tonight.
“...Komaeda? Are you in there?”
Hinata’s voice filled the room, as muffled as it was behind the door. Komaeda’s hands drip with sweat, and he just stares at the door, his mind continuing to race with questions that only make him more sick. He quietly shuffled to the toilet and held his head over it, spit pooling in his mouth as he shook his head, knowing that he was just being dramatic. Nothing probably happened.
So why did his stomach ache so much?
It was like someone was twisting it and pulling it into itself, and he was suffering for no reason other than his own thoughts of the situation.
“Komaeda, please, I know you’re in there. Are you alright?”
A voice soft as fur, and as sweet as chocolate… Komaeda wonders if he wasn’t enough for Hinata. He thinks-- no, he’s sure he’ll throw up soon, it’s just a matter of if he starts crying before or after.
The doorknob shakes, but doesn’t allow the brunette outside in. Komaeda can hear the way the others breathing goes a tad frantic, before being schooled into something close to even.
Komaeda assumes it’s from guilt, even though he should know it’s because he hasn’t had the best history with locking himself in the bathroom. Hinata has had to take off the door on bad days because of it.
“Komaeda.”
…
“Nagito?”
The voice outside goes quiet, and the door shakes harder as Komaeda refuses to answer. Komaeda’s eyes were beginning to water, unknowing whether he was too dramatic or if he was just an idiot for not seeing it coming. He’s always put himself down, saying he was not worthy of Hinata, but being face to face with something that might prove it? He feels sick.
The knob shakes and jingles, and Komaeda knows it to be Hinata picking the lock. Probably with a hairclip or something similar from their desk. Or at least, Komaeda thinks so.
The door opens, and there’s a sigh, before Komaeda can feel Hinata’s hands rubbing down his back.
But he pulls away, and shakes his head, which gets Hinata to pause. Usually, Komaeda would savor the moments where he can get the other to be surprised, but right now it just makes his stomach bubble in disgust and shame.
Shame for what? He doesn’t know, he’s been the point of shame for many things, yet only Hinata has been able to make him feel shameful for his actions and words. Hinata was so beautiful and well put together, and Komaeda knew he was nothing compared to that.
“Nagito, please. Talk to me, are you feeling sick?”
Hinata says, and Komaeda can't help but want to punch the snot out of himself for thinking he was ever going to be the one for Hinata.
Komaeda just grunts out something not even he can understand, before he hiccups and gags, and Hinata is holding his hair back as he throws up for the second time that night. At least it wasn’t in an alleyway this time, he supposed.
There’s soft reassurances from Hinata, and Komaeda wants to ask him to stop, to stop pretending he cares, but a more selfish part of him wants Hinata to keep talking, so he can pretend he still has all of Hinata’s affection.
When Komaeda finally pukes up everything that was left (which was mostly just bile seeing as he had a small lunch and practically forgot dinner), he sits up and lets Hinata wipe his mouth with toilet paper, before flushing it all away.
“Nagito…”
Komaeda wants to shake his head, to yell and scream, but also to pretend nothing ever happened tonight, to pretend and forget everything.
But he says nothing, as Hinata gently pulls him up on shaky legs and leads him back to bed, sitting him down on the edge as he searches through their drawers for anti-nausea pills. It’s not an uncommon thing for Komaeda to be sick, as much as Hinata says he hates it.
Komaeda wonders if he secretly escaped during those nights to go to that meeting place. His anxiety eats away at him, even as he stares at the others back. Hinata notices Komaeda’s glare as he turns back around, a white pill bottle in hand.
“Nagito, seriously, please tell me what’s wrong.”
Hinata puts the pill bottle in the other hand and kneels down in front of the other, his heterochromatic eyes soft in the dark light of the room. Only a small electric candle was on, and it barely gave enough light for Komaeda to see the others' faces. Is this what that man saw in that meeting? Was Hinata just using tricks on Komaeda to keep him happy and unaware?
The silence that follows makes Komaeda’s head hurt, and he can tell that Hinata was getting worried, or at least played the part in looking worried anyways. Komaeda’s not sure he can trust the other at all anymore. What if it’s true? What if the other did go against their partnership for more intel? What would Komaeda even say?
“Are you seeing someone else?”
Would be the first thing he’d say, but Komaeda has to take a minute to realise he actually said that out loud.
Hinata’s face drops, and his hands come to grab Komaeda's wrists harshly. Komaeda has to bite back a whimper as the bottle of pills crashes to the ground.
“Nagito, wha-- why would you say that?”
Komaeda can feel his mouth dry up, a cruel contrast to how his mouth had filled with spit earlier.
“Nagito, please, why would you say that?”
Komaeda’s eyes were glued to his lap, but his eyes flicker up to the others face in a moment of weakness.
Hinata’s eyes were wide, but not in shock, more like hurt. His mouth was slightly agape as he seemed to be unable to even register why Komaeda would ask that. Hinata’s hands were clasped tightly on the other's wrists, but Komaeda can’t bring himself to answer, not when he thinks that the other was worth so much more, as if he’d already accepted what he thought was fact.
“Why did you let that guy get so close to you?”
Komaeda wishes his voice was more firmer, but it cracked and came out more like a sob than anything else. His hands shook as his eyes filled with tears.
“Why did you let him grab you like that? Why did you let him get so close to you like that?”
His voice was bordering on a whisper, but desperation was clear in his voice, a pain to cover up, so Komaeda didn’t even bother. He was distressed and thinking that everything in this world would get turned against him from his luck.
It was only a matter of time before Hinata got bored of him.
“What? Komaeda what guy are you....”
Hinata’s voice trails off, and Komaeda has to bite back a whine as the others hands grasp him like he was going to slip away.
“Nagito. Nagito, were you-- Nagito why the hell were you at the meeting?!”
Komaeda couldn't hold back a sob as he shook his head.
“Are you with him?! Why did you let him get so close?!”
Hinata finally lets go and pulls away from the other. ‘This is it’, Komaeda thinks, ‘Hinata’s going to kick me out and be with that guy’.
But no such thing happens, instead, Hinata sighs and grabs a tissue, wiping his face before grabbing another and wiping Komaeda’s face as he struggles and whimpers, having not noticed the hot tears which ended up streaming down his face.
“Nagito, will you listen to me?”
Komaeda takes the tissue from the other and wipes his eyes, sniffles escaping him as he continues to weep.
“...Alright, well I’ll repeat this as many times as you want--”
He says, as he kneels down once more, his hands on the sides of the other's thighs as he looks up at the other. Komaeda wonders if Hinata looked so adoringly at that man too.
“I’m not with that man. I’m not seeing anyone else. I love you. I love you so much it hurts Nagito. As much as I wish you didn’t go to that meeting, I won’t hide it from you, that man did want things from me that I would only do with you.”
“S-So did you-”
“Nagito, please.”
Komaeda snuffles and whimpers but shuts his mouth.
“I would only do that stuff with you. Only you. I don’t know how much of the meeting you listened to, but that guy ended up leaving and I finished the deal with someone else. I promise.”
Komaeda sits there, tears slowly drying, but he still feels… hurt. He knows now, from Hinata’s own mouth, that he didn’t do anything. Nothing happened. But why was he being such a baby about it?
Hinata seemed to notice, and stood up slightly, still kneeled down, but now face to face with the other. He pressed a kiss to the other temple and muttered promises that Komaeda can’t help but nod along to.
“Are you still feeling sick? Or was that from what you thought was going on?”
Hinata asked, and Komaeda took a second to nod, which earned to sigh and another kiss from Hinata.
“Alright. Well, it’s late now. Do you want to go to bed?”
Komaeda shook his head.
“Alright…”
The silence that followed felt awkwardly comfortable. Hinata ends up bringing back the pjs that Komaeda had left in the bathroom, and helping him put it on. Komaeda watched as Hinata removed his prosthetic hand with so much care that he almost slapped himself for even thinking that the other thought the opposite.
He watched as Hinata undressed and changed into his own pajamas, and he knows that Hinata can only be telling the truth. How Hinata, even now, still looked nervous to show all of himself to Komaeda, even for a brief moment.
The two of them sit on the edge of the bed for a little while, and the silence turns… more awkward than comfortable. Neither of them really knew what to say, Komaeda still reeling from his head twisting everything into his own misfortune, and Hinata still recovering from the shock of being asked if he was cheating.
Hinata knew it wasn’t Komaeda’s fault truly, his head is messed up in all kinds of ways that even Hinata struggled to understand in the beginning. He should have expected such a situation to arise… if not a little hurt that Komaeda snuck out to follow him to a meeting that frankly didn’t help Hinata’s case.
That sounds wrong, and Hinata knows it, but it’s how it is.
Hinata eventually stands and pulls Komaeda along to the kitchen. He knows that he left sometime before dinner, so he wasn’t sure if Komaeda had anything. Based on how Komaeda’s stomach was growling despite the man's feeble attempts to silence them…. Probably not.
It had to have been past 2am now, only the sound of the crickets which had slowly come back after the tragedy chirping through the night. Very few lights were on, and those that were? Probably for the owners peace of mind than them being awake.
Hinata opens the cupboard and pulls out an instant soup packet as Komaeda sits on one of the stools near the kitchen island. Komaeda is quiet, and Hinata knows that to be Komaeda over thinking. Despite how ‘chatty’ Komaeda can be while he’s ranting about hope or putting himself down, when he’s truly upset or depressed, he’ll simply shut down.
The first time it happened, Hinata thought Komaeda was going through some kind of episode. Which, he supposed he sort of was.
The whistle of the kettle makes Komaeda finally look up from his lap, of which his eyes are immediately met with Hinatas. Komaeda only grimaces slightly and looks away, while Hinata sighs heavily. Hinata rips open the packet and dumps the powder into a mug, waiting for the kettle to boil.
“Nagito?”
Komaeda looks up again, but he’s not sure how much he wants to.
“I love you.”
Komaeda stares at the small smile that graces Hinata’s lips, how it pulls his face up and makes his whole face seem so beautiful compared to the scowl that seemed to make Hinata’s face its home more times than not.
Then again, Komaeda thinks Hinata is always beautiful, smile or scowl.
“I… love you too, Hinata-kun.”
There’s a small huff, and Hinata comes closer to Komaeda, his hand resting on the other's back as he pulls the other closer.
“...Hmm?”
“Ah- uhm…. Hajime.”
Hinata chuckles, and presses another kiss to the soft white hair on top of the other's head.
The two of them sit there for a bit, Komaeda wrapped up in the other's arms and Hinata very gladly knowing that Komaeda was a little more stable now.
“Will you go to work tomorrow?”
Hinata asks, and Komaeda has to pause and wonder for a moment. He doesn’t particularly want to, but he can’t exactly say that to the people who approved their paid time off. Not that the pay really matters, it’s the work that matters more.
“Don’t.”
Komaeda pauses, pushing away gently from the other as he looks at him. Hinata can already tell that he was going through every reason why, measuring up against Kamukura with how fast he could overthink.
“Listen, I’ll stay with you. At- at home.” Hinata continued. “I’ll tell you everything I’m allowed to tell you. I just… I don’t want you to think I’m not thinking about how you see the situation. Uhm… if that makes sense.”
Komaeda stares for a minute, before laughing softly.
“You’re too kind to me sometimes, Hajime.”
“D-Don’t say that…”
Hinata pulls away as the kettle finishes boiling, pouring water into the mug as he stirs with a small teaspoon. Mostly because Komaeda disliked any other kind of spoon.
Then they waited for the soup to cool down. They filled the silence with small talk, and soft laughter, quiet enough to not wake up the neighbours. Of which, were mostly their fellow former classmates. Or, at least, Komaeda’s former classmates.
“I don’t understand how you tolerate him sometimes. Ah, that isn’t meant to be an offense.”
Komaeda says quietly, although he sighs right after, more or less motioning for Hinata to laugh in return at the obvious display of offense.
“Souda’s not that bad, really. I thought you wanted to be friends with him?”
“Ah, I wouldn’t mind it, but sometimes he is just…”
“Was he talking about Miss Sonia?”
The silence that followed was more than enough to confirm what Hinata was thinking.
“I’m sure he’ll get over himself eventually.”
Hinata says, and shrugs as he shakes his head. He watches as Komaeda takes a sip, just to pull back and grimace. Still too hot.
The rest of the night passes rather quickly, and before Komaeda knew it, he and Hinata were back in bed, cuddling as if nothing had happened. It’s not that Komaeda didn’t want to cuddle, but he was just…. A little self conscious. He had accused Hinata of something terrible, and he was starting to feel guilty because of it.
He must not have been hiding his guilty look very well, as Hinata pulled him closer, their bodies intermingled as if Hinata was trying to fuse them together from pure strength.
“I understand. If I was in your shoes, I’d have my doubts as well.”
Komaeda feels a sob bubble out of him. Despite what Komaeda had said, what he had accused the other of doing, the other showed no thought of being hurt. As if he perfectly understood like he said he did.
“I don’t- I don’t get you at all.”
Komaeda said, tears dripping down his face into the pillow as a calloused hand brushed the lingering ones away.
“I think…. I could explain every little thing about me and you wouldn’t understand.”
“But you… how…”
Hinata silences the other by pushing the other's face into his shoulder. Not enough to suffocate, but enough to distract the other from asking any more questions that neither of them really had the answer to.
The night goes by in a blink, more or less because the two had stayed up much too late with Komaeda crying and apologising when Hinata only pushes back against the apologies and apologises himself for making the other ever doubt his faithfulness.
Overall, a night full of regret and guilt.
When morning does finally appear over the horizon, Hinata instinctually gets up right at 7, but then immediately flops back down into bed and holds Komaeda close. He should call in for both of them, and he knows that calling in now would already be considered pretty late.
But that would mean reaching over to his bedside table and unplugging his phone and calling in, and that means he’d have to pull away from Komaeda again, knowingly this time. Based on how the body beside him groaned in protest to every little movement, Hinata thinks he’d rather not risk Komaeda thinking negatively so early in the day.
So he keeps the other close and doesn’t get up until the blaring ringtone from his phone makes the both of them groan in resentment for ruining their day.
Their day off which… hadn’t exactly been approved of yet.
So, Komaeda gradually let Hinata go, as the man picked up the phone to a very angry Togami.
“Where the hell are you. I swear, if you’ve been kidnapped-”
“I’m fine, Togami-san.”
“Then why aren’t you at work yet.”
“Me and Komaeda are gonna take the day off. Approval would be nice.”
Komaeda can’t hide the small giggle that slipped out of him as the silence on the other line made Hinata sweat. Togami shutting up was a rare occurrence when he was mad, and it usually meant refusal or a biting comment was to be sent the way of the receiver.
“You insolent little brat.”
Hinata whispers something to Komaeda that sounds suspiciously like “We’re older than him”
“You seriously demand a day off now? How idiotic can you be.”
Hinata was expecting to be scowled at some more, but instead he’s met with a sigh, and a very irritated Togami saying,
“Fine. Take the day off. Kirigiri has been nagging me to give you paid time off anyways.”
Komaeda has to tilt his head as the phone call abruptly ends, and as Hinata chucks his phone somewhere on the bedside table.
No words are exchanged as Hinata brings the other closer again, Komaeda’s face snuggly situated in the gap between Hinata’s shoulder and neck. Hinata’s arms more or less trapped the other in, keeping him from moving an inch.
This was their little sanctuary. Of course, they’ll always have ups and downs, and they both knew that. They’re both not the healthiest, mentally or physically,
But Hinata swears,
And Komaeda hopes,
That their sanctuary will stay theirs, forevermore.