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Dean remembers everything from that day. Every last detail, as if it were rehearsed.
He remembers waking up in the grungy motel, lying in the bed next to Sam's. He felt Cas curled into his side, under the covers draped over both of them. Cas was an angel, so he didn't sleep, but he would still crawl into the bed as if he could feel Dean's very manly need to cuddle.
Outside, the cold was bitingly frigid and windy. All three of them could sense that a heavy snowstorm was heading their way. They probably had until nightfall, when the snow would start, to get out of town. Hopefully, their job would be done by then and they would hit the road, moving on to the next hunt.
By the time the brothers were ready and heading out the door, angel in tow, Dean felt a surreal, peaceful atmosphere surround him. For the first time since the apocalypse and the whole Sam/Hell thing, Dean felt like everything would turn out alright.
He should have known it wouldn't last.
***
The three were in town after hearing word about a possible demon presence. After getting there, they were surprised to find out how easy it was locating the demons. It was as if the demons wanted to be followed.
Which, wasn't a surprise considering how they averted the apocalypse, and threw Lucifer back into his cage. Pretty much all demons had a reason for hating the Winchesters. So, the brothers and the angel knew they were heading for a trap. They had time until it would start getting dark enough to head to the warehouse they knew the demons were waiting.
Naturally, they found the nearest diner. Dean remembers pulling into the parking lot, with such a carefree attitude. He was arguing with Sam about choosing a diner again. Sam was being his annoying self and Cas was sitting in the backseat, head tilted slightly with a vaguely amused expression on his face. His eyes showed a warm fondness, though, and Dean couldn't help but smile at him.
"Are you going to just sit here all day or are we going to go eat some crappy food?" Sam had asked, halfway stepping out of the car.
"Shut up. Bitch." Dean got out and started walking along side Sam, with Cas behind them. He pushed Sam a little, making him stumble off of the curb.
"Jerk." Sam had mumbled it with a scowl but his voice lacked the anger from before.
They all walked in, found a booth, and ordered.
There wasn't anything particularly special about this specific diner experience. It was still one of Dean's best ones though. He hates himself now for not appreciating the small talk. The way Sam and Cas had somehow gotten into an in depth discussion over some crap Dean had stopped listening to. How Cas had smiled slightly at Dean and squeezed his hand when he found Dean looking at him for too long. He even missed how Sam rolled his eyes and looked out the window.
Dean goes over these tiny pieces in his mind. All of these little, everyday things that happened that day. He feels his heart clench and he tries to stop thinking about it.
He tries so hard, but he's dipped too far into the memories for them to stop now.
***
Dean forces his mind to go to that evening. Maybe if he gets to the hard part, his memories will stop drowning him.
Dean, Sam, and Cas were in the Impala, parked outside of the worn down house. They weren't very nervous about the confrontation that was about to take place, but they knew enough to stay serious.
They all got out and slowly walked into the building, looking around the whole time, staying alert.
They made it through the majority of the rooms without incident. It's when they reached the very back room that they saw movement.
Two demons, for now at least, were standing in the middle of the room. The three men entered and the demons just turned towards them, unhurriedly.
The demons smiled and started backing away from them. Suddenly they screamed in unison, a red light bursting out of their eyes and mouths. Their bodies fell to the ground with a thud, revealing a man standing behind them. He was just lowering his hands after placing them on the demons' heads.
"Raphael." Castiel growled at him. He took a step forward, in front of Sam and Dean.
"Castiel, just the angel I was looking for," Raphael smirked and and leisurely walked around the three, leaving them in the middle of the room.
"What do you want?" Castiel never took his glare off of the other angel as he strolled around them.
"Oh, I think you know exactly what I want, or has your time with these humans taken a toll on your intelligence?" Raphael said mockingly, with a hard look in his eyes.
Castiel just stared at Raphael, the kind of stare that scared Dean. The one that said I could send you back to hell.
"Castiel, you know that your plan for Heaven will never work. Angels are not made to choose what they want. It just isn't a part of them. The sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be." There was a sharp edge to Raphael's tone, a threat clear in his words.
Castiel started forward, frustration creeped into his voice, "And how would you know? You haven't even given them a chance. You just want to do it your way, and rule over everyone. Heaven wasn't meant to be controlled by one angel," Cas drew a breath in, glancing at Dean, "I will not let you take over. I will not back down from this war."
Raphael stopped pacing and tensed, his expression shifted into contempt as he looked at Castiel. "Very well. If you choose to abandon your family, for these....ignorant humans....I will have to destroy you. There is only one way to end this, if you don't join me. And you know it won't end well for your little pets, either."
Up until Raphael mentioned Sam and Dean, Castiel had kept calm and still. When he heard the rest of the other angel's sentence, he lurched forward, angel blade sliding out from his sleeve. "You will not touch the Winchesters." There was a note of finality to his statement.
Dean was frozen in place until then, his fear breaking through finally. He sprung forward, grabbing Cas' arm and whispered in his ear, "Cas, don't! Let's go, we can find a way out."
Castiel had turned his head towards his shoulder, not tearing his eyes away from Raphael, who had also drawn out his blade. "I'm sorry, Dean, but he has trapped us in here. There is no other way."
Dean didn't want to do this. Raphael was too powerful. They might be able to take him, alone, but he wasn't even sure about that. That's when another angel appeared, suddenly, going straight for Castiel.
Cas was quick, he had expected something to happen. He stumbled slightly under the angel's tackle, but regained his footing and got the upper hand. The angel had her blade out, and lightening quick, had thrown a stab directed at Cas' throat. He deflected it with his blade and knocked it out of her hand. Dean was quick, he ran over to the blade and grabbed it, turning in time to see the angel Cas was fighting come towards him. Cas briefly looked at Dean, but turned towards Raphael when Dean nodded in response. Dean knew could handle this angel.
Sam was by his side, helping him fight off Raphael's follower when Dean managed to get a good thrust upwards, into the angel's rib cage. There was a blinding light and he had closed his eyes tight as the last remnants of the angel's grace faded away. He dropped the body to the floor and looked up. His breath caught in his throat.
While Sam and Dean were occupied with the doucheangel, Raphael had managed to get a hold on Cas. Castiel was on his knees in front of Raphael, with the blade pressed into his throat. Raphael had a hand pulling back his head.
"Not one step, Winchester, or I'll do it right now." Dean lowered the blade to the ground, taking in a shaky breath.
Raphael smiled, or rather leered, and raised his left hand. With a snap of his fingers, Sam disappeared.
"No!" Dean started towards where Sam was standing a moment before. He whirled towards Raphael, "What did you do? Where is he? I swear - I will kill you if you did something to him."
"Sam is....not here. I felt like he was too much of a distraction for us. I feel more comfortable with just you two." Raphael pressed the blade a little tighter against Cas' neck. Cas' eyes flickered to Dean's and he could see the pleading, the begging. Cas didn't want Dean to do anything stupid. For Cas, Dean stayed where he was, anger making his body almost shake.
Raphael turned his attention down to Cas, and said, "This is your last chance, brother. Your family or them?"
Castiel didn't take his eyes off of Dean as he said, without hesitation, "They have been more of a family to me than you ever have. Nothing has changed, I choose Dean."
Raphael let out a slow breath through his nostrils and he closed his eyes as he tilted his head back. "I was afraid you were going to say that."
With a quick hand movement, one Dean wasn't fast enough to see, much less acknowledge, Raphael swung his blade behind Castiel. He jammed the blade through the middle of Cas' shoulder blades. Cas let out a strangled choke and arched his back. The next second, Raphael was gone.
Castiel's eyes were wide with shock and pain as he slowly started slumping forwards. As soon as Dean's mind registered what just happened, he ran over to Cas. He grabbed his shoulders to hold him up.
"Oh no, no, no. Cas. Cas!" Dean shook him lightly when he saw his eyes tilt back into his head. Cas snapped his eyes back to Dean's, with thousands of words, feelings, and touches flashing through them. They stayed like that, looking at eachother for half a second.
Then, Cas whispered, voice hoarse and rough, "Close your eyes, Dean. Do it, now." He brought up his hand and trailed his fingertips lightly across Dean's cheek. Dean realized then that tears were pouring down his face. He shook his head violently.
"No," Dean let out with a broken sob. He saw the blue of Cas' eyes become brighter and brighter until they were almost white. He kept looking into Cas' haunted gaze until his eyes couldn't take it anymore. He clamped them shut and could feel the light of Cas' grace pierce through him before darkness settled on Dean's eyelids. He slid them open, and he swears he almost died right there, the feeling in his chest came with such a pang. Cas was leaning forward, into Dean's arms, motionless. The side of his face was pressed into Dean's chest and his curly hair was brushing against Dean's chin.
Dean was somehow able to tear his eyes away from Cas' back to look around him. What he saw only made his heart sink so low, it was practically sinking below the ground. Spread out on either side of him and Cas was the huge, black imprint of Cas' beautiful wings.
Dean didn't know it at the time, but he was talking the whole time. He was begging, pleading, praying. "Please, Cas. Cas, come on. It's all alright. You'll come back, just like always." Dean spoke these words, but knew down to the last bone, to his very core that they were not true.
He stayed there with Cas, holding him, whispering his name against the angel's hair for a very long time.
***
Dean stares at the floor underneath his dangling hand. He's lying on a bed in a motel in who-knows-where. His eyes are blank and staring. Tears stream down his face as he replays this day over and over. He's been trying to forget it, one drink at a time. If anything, the alcohol makes the images in his mind clearer and much more painful.
Sammy's gone. Cas is gone. Dean is alone. He hasn't been able to get the energy to look for Sam. He has the lurking notion that he's dead too. He can't bring himself to try anymore. Dean is tired. He's tired of being alone, of being left alone.
So he drinks from the bottle he holds until he runs out. Then he moves onto the next bottle. He doesn't have to try anymore. This time, he didn't make any promises of living a happy, normal life.
Dean curls in on himself, lying on his side on the bed. He shuts his eyes tight, trying to block out the echoing screams and the phantom touch of fingers on his cheek as he drifts off into nowhere.