Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Why isn’t my name on the list?”

“Why would your name be on the list?”

“You know damn–”

“Language–”

“–well why it should be. I submitted my name to you way before the deadline, along with the necessary documents, so why isn’t my name on the list?”

“You know why. It’s the same reason as with the previous times you’ve attempted.”

“... This is fucked up–”

“Language, Chanyeol!”

“–I don’t care! This is the fifth time I’ve tried but you're still rejecting me–”

“Park Chan–”

“–just because I'm a girl! Because females can't be fucking pilots!”

“... That's right.”

“...”

“I take it that this conversation is over, so then, shouldn't Engineer Park ought to hurry back to Satan Heart before Ranger Do thinks that she’s slacking off and not tending to his Jaeger as she should be?”

“You're horrible, you know that?”

“I try my best. Now, off you go.”

“Just so you know, I won't be giving up. I'll keep trying until the day K– Ranger Do finds his co-pilot.”

“I’d expect nothing less than that from you, Engineer Park.”

“But in case you might have forgotten, Marshall, time waits for no one–”

“Are you threatening m–”

“–especially not for a pilot who’s been co-pilot-less for almost a year now.”

---

It’s going to be a year.

It’s been eleven months, going onto twelve in approximately two weeks, since Fukuoka. And Chanyeol will be lying if she says that she’d forgotten.

Forgotten how she had heard, from her position next to Marshall Joonmyeon in LOCCENT Mission Control, the (damned) Category III Kaiju, Tokage, let out that deafening and bloodcurdling screech which ironically signalled both the beginning of the dying Kaiju’s last ditch attempt at destruction, and the end of the powerful and beautiful Satan Heart.

Nobody had expected the ambush. Everyone had heard the numerous shots Satan Heart had mercilessly (and sadistically) emptied into the Kaiju; had heard the loud splash of the supposedly dead creature sinking back beneath the waters; had heard the fist bumps of victory and soft hoots of hell yeah it’s down good job.

Had fondly listened to the affectionate time to go home brother before all hell broke loose.

LOCCENT hadn’t been fast enough to detect it. It hadn’t seen Tokage emerging from under the waves; couldn’t see its leaping form, with its mouth dangerously wide open and claws extended towards the retreating Jaeger. The Marshall, officials, and the single J-Tech engineer in that room couldn’t see what the war machine’s pilots saw with their own eyes for the last time before Kaiju Blue splattered onto the Conn-Pod and effectively sealed their fates.

Chanyeol will be fucking lying if she ever says that the things she’d heard never plagued her sleep. Her nightmares used to be visual, of her lean and lanky figure running away from whichever villain (and an occasional Kaiju) she’s watched or read about recently only to get caught and tortured in numerous ways those horror movies do. Chanyeol doesn't like how she's always getting herself drowned, or electrocuted, or limbs torn from her body, or– (well you get the drift; pun is not intended by the way)

Now, though, ever since that night, Chanyeol’s nightmares are audio. From the ominous screech of the Kaiju; the sounds of metal being ripped from metal; the flurry of orders from the agitated Marshall; to the pilots’ deep gasps of unadulterated fear and shock, her nightmares have them all. Not all sounds are played in a single nightmare, though. Her mind seems to choose them at random, with Chanyeol remembering every single one when she awakes with a scream of her own, but the lack of human screams or Kaiju roars don’t make the nightmares less scary, less cruel, for they force Chanyeol to relive that night over and over against her will.

But there are certain sounds from Fukuoka that haunt Chanyeol even in the day. She hears them whenever she's alone in her room, the gym, or at the canteen where she absentmindedly plays with her food on the tray. Although these moments are usually overcome with a brief shut-eye and all the willpower she can muster right there and then to not lose herself to those damned sounds, they are, honestly, the ones that are easier to deal with.

The not-so-easy-to-deal-with moments happen when Chanyeol has to do her job.

It’s in her job scope that, as Satan Heart’s engineer-in-charge, Chanyeol’s days, hours, minutes, and seconds are to be spent on the maintenance of it. There are always things to be done anyway: fixing belatedly-discovered holes, patching up scratches, and-or installing the equipment and weapons she’s managed to procure on the black Jaeger’s decreasing maintenance budget. Also, there’s this chore, a Jaeger-huge chore (one which Chanyeol always ropes in a reluctant Jongdae to accomplish together), and that is to keep the coat of the war machine sleek and shiny even if it isn’t going to be deployed for battles any time soon. Chanyeol takes pride in that Satan Heart is Nagasaki Shatterdome’s most gorgeous Jaeger, as approved by everyone (even if they always only praise Jongdae for a shine job well done).

But that’s just one part — the technical part — of her job. There’s this other part of being the Jaeger’s engineer-in-charge which Chanyeol very much wishes she could fling out to space or something (she’ll need to talk to the pilots of Ventus Shadow about this favour; god knows how much Jongin and Sehun love to throw things around if the thumps and crashes she’s heard from next door during nights are any indications).

And this other part is the fact that the haunting sounds of Fukuoka are most vivid, and most frighteningly real whenever she's staring up at Satan Heart.

It’s inevitable, given her job, for Chanyeol to be in contact with her assigned Jaeger and be lost in her thoughts the moment her eyes subconsciously dart upwards to the Conn-Pod. Her mind would start visualising scenes then, conjuring images out of thin brain-air to accompany the particular sounds she will never forget.

She’d see Tokage’s claws ripping into the Jaeger’s head, peeling off the metal as easily as though one is peeling an orange, before digging inside and mercilessly snatching one of Satan Heart’s two pilots out of his position. A brief rasp of Kyungsoo plays in her head.

Then, comes the very sound—

“NO. No come back hyung come back.”

—that never ceases to break Chanyeol’s heart, shattering it into uncountable pieces each and every time even though she’d experienced it daily for almost a year now.

“COME BACK!”

The scream would reverberate throughout her head, accompanied by an image of the surviving Ranger’s face contorted into an expression of devastation that can only be made when one is bereaved of a precious another. The grief-stricken expression is the last thing Chanyeol always sees, before darkness appears and overtakes her mental vision. Yet, the sounds would continue to play, and she’d hear the deafening roar of anguish that vowed revenge and the repeated blasts of the Jaeger’s plasma cannon shooting into what Chanyeol assumed was the Kaiju and the huge splash of the creature finally sinking below the waves as well as the ragged breaths of the only human still in the Conn-Pod before Marshall Joonmyeon firmly, but gently, instructed for the pilot to come home.

Chanyeol returns to reality then, to find herself on the cold, hard floor with no one sparing a single glance at her because it’s pretty much a daily occurrence for the Shatterdome’s only female J-Tech engineer to be sprawled, unconscious, in front of her assigned Jaeger. (Though, it must be mentioned that when Chanyeol had found herself in the same situation for the first time, about a week after Fukuoka, no one had bothered to help or be concerned about her.)

But, Chanyeol’s used to it. She’s had five years to harden herself, to be able to tolerate and shrug it off. Besides, she’s working in a predominantly male environment. Such treatment is perfectly normal (between men, that is).

Yet, Chanyeol thinks, knows that she will never get used to the sounds that she is unable to forget no matter how hard she tries.

So, Chanyeol promptly gives up and accepts that the passing-outs are going to be the new additions to the long list of points in her job scope. Chanyeol also accepts the fact that Nagasaki has lost its most capable pilot, that humanity has lost one of its gradually-decreasing number of shields against the Kaiju, that Satan Heart has lost one one-half of its core. That a brother has lost a brother.

That a female J-Tech engineer has lost one of her best friends.

---

Chanyeol sees him even before he sees her, and she happily bounces over, plonking her tray right in front of his. She ignores the eye roll to announce gleefully, “I can’t believe that they’re actually serving hotteok for Korean Week today!”

“And I can’t believe that you’ve only taken three.”

The girl lets out a gasp exaggeratingly. “What’s that supposed to mean! I’m greatly offended.”

“As you should be.”

“Tsk,” Chanyeol slides her lips into a pout. “You’re mean, Soo.”

Across the table, Kyungsoo chuckles. “If I’m really that mean,” He picks up the only piece of hotteok off his tray. “I wouldn’t be giving this to you.” And he places it atop of the three that Chanyeol has stacked on her tray. Kyungsoo gives her an awfully innocent smile. “Am I still mean to you, Chanyeol?”

The hotteok is still between Kyungsoo’s chopsticks, and seeing how that smile is anything but innocent, Chanyeol knows that her answer will decide whether the confection will be relinquished to her or be shoved inside his mouth, unappreciated. She quickly darts her eyes to the serving container that used to be piled full of them, and instantly gets her answer.

“Of course not,” Chanyeol shakes her head and slaps on an awfully innocent smile of her own. “Do Kyungsoo is the nicest Ranger in Nagasaki.” She lowers down to a staged whisper which has Kyungsoo leaning forward to hear. “He’s even nicer than Zhang Yixing, if you must know.”

The corners of Kyungsoo’s lips twitch, a small smile forming before blossoming into an opened heart when he sees Chanyeol’s wink. A chortle escapes. “I bet that this Kyungsoo is very proud of his title. And that Park Chanyeol most definitely deserves her fourth hotteok.” Kyungsoo sets the confection free and returns his chopsticks to his own tray.

Chanyeol screams in delight, abandoning her utensils to extend her arms over and across the table to grab Kyungsoo, seemingly wanting to envelope him into a hug. “Thank you, Soo!”

Kyungsoo swiftly leans away, snapping his chopsticks at Chanyeol’s grabby fingers as he tsks, “Hands away if you don’t want me to–”

“No!” Chanyeol quickly retracts her arms to circle her tray protectively, curving her back to lower her upper body and head over her food. Kyungsoo suppresses the strong urge to burst out into laughter as he takes in the hilarious sight from across the table, but the corners of his lips couldn’t resist curving upwards when he notices the sphere of fingers over where Chanyeol’s stack of hotteok used to be. In the eyes of the other people in the mess hall, it’s as though Kyungsoo’s eating with a mother hen who’s super protective of her precious eggs.

(Baekhyun, who just walked in, glances at the scene for only a second before he promptly steers an oblivious Yixing, who’s adorably swinging their joined hands and humming a Chinese nursery rhyme under his breath, sharply away from that table.)

“Don’t you dare!” Chanyeol wails, “The hotteok is now mine! You can’t take back what you’ve already given away!” Then, the girl proceeds to slap on her face the largest and most exaggerated pout that’s always reserved for situations when she has to bring out the big guns in order to get what she wants. Such situations are rare, though, because Chanyeol knows that when it comes to her, Kyungsoo will (usually) give in without a fight.

But this time, Kyungsoo bites hard on his lower lip to resist caving in. He frowns instead, which has Chanyeol panicking, thinking that her best friend might be getting annoyed at her, and she decides to end it once and for all. She wills her eyes to tear, creating the kicked puppy expression that Seung– someone used to be unable to resist as well.

So it’s no surprise that Kyungsoo bursts out laughing.

“Alright, alright.” He relents, propping his elbows on the table and reaching across to gently ruffle Chanyeol’s hair. Kyungsoo tries to not smile (like an idiot) when the girl unconsciously leans into his touch, kicked puppy look changing to that of a satisfied petted puppy. “I’m sorry. I won’t take back the hotteok, okay?”

Chanyeol hums in agreement.

(Yet, when Chanyeol sees that Kyungsoo’s down to his last mouth of soondubu jjigae, she slides a half-bitten hotteok onto his tray. She doesn’t need to look at Kyungsoo’s face to know that he’s smiling.)

---

It’s on the first death anniversary of Nagasaki’s most capable pilot that Chanyeol foolishly decides to ask the question that’s been on her mind since Fukuoka happened.

“Have you decided on your co-pilot, Soo?”

The question causes Kyungsoo to freeze, hands stopping on their way to place the incense sticks into a small pot of soil atop of the makeshift altar in his room. His eyes, which have been fondly gazing at the picture behind the pot, scrunch shut in slight annoyance as he manages to breathe out, “I… haven’t.”

“Why not?” Chanyeol probes, oblivious to Kyungsoo’s growing irritation at her inappropriately-timed question. “Joon– I mean, the Marshall has handed you the latest list of applicants, right?”

Kyungsoo sighs, and opens his eyes. He finishes what he’s supposed to have done before being interrupted by his Jaeger’s engineer’s dumb question, allowing himself to smile a small, comforting smile despite the day’s occasion, as he gazes upon the picture once more. Then, he turns around to answer the source of his annoyance. “He has. But I’ve rejected them all, as always.”

“Why?”

“There’s no reason.”

“No, there’s got to be a reason, Soo.” Chanyeol’s clearly unaware of Kyungsoo’s growing frustration towards her unnecessary probing into a matter that’s none of her business. And the fact that she’s actually looking down at him, since she’s about a head taller, as though he’s a little boy who doesn’t seem to be understanding her words doesn’t help to suppress the adult Ranger’s strong urge to just snap and–

“It’s because Kyungsoo, being the third Ranger in the history of the Kaiju War to pilot a Jaeger on his own and lived to tell the tale, has become picky and choosy.”

Chanyeol darts her eyes up at the same time Kyungsoo whirls around to see the pilots of Ventus Shadow striding into his room. The ear-splitting grin on the face of the younger of the pair, as well as Kyungsoo’s darkening aura (which she finally realises), immediately puts Chanyeol on guard. Her gut tells her that if Sehun continues to talk, shit’s going to go down. Badly.

“I mean, just because you and Seungsoo admire the Becket Brothers doesn’t mean that you have to re-enact how the older one died by Kaiju while the younger survives–”

Shit goes down. Much more badly than expected.

Sehun’s pushed back in a second, his back painfully meeting a metal wall with a loud wham as Kyungsoo surges forward to grip his collar and jam a forearm at the younger pilot’s throat. “You little shit!” Kyungsoo snarls, lips curling and Chanyeol has never seen her friend look so feral. (Though she momentarily wonders if he’d looked like that when he knew of Seungsoo’s inevitable death through their shared drift.) “Don’t fucking talk about us as if you know us very well!”

Kyungsoo pushes against Sehun harder, pressing him up against the wall and Sehun lets out a pained and breathless gurgle which finally prompts his co-pilot to take action.

Jongin had been stunned by Kyungsoo’s sudden actions for the past few seconds, but upon hearing Sehun’s weakening ragged breaths, he snaps out of his daze and begins wrenching at Kyungsoo’s arm, using all his strength to attempt to pry the older pilot away from his co-pilot who’s turning blue in the face, his mouth unattractively wide open in a desperate bid to inhale air. “Soo, let go of him!”

“NO!” is Kyungsoo’s answer as he pulls Sehun forward by his collar before ramming him back against the wall, causing the structure to reverberate. “I will not let go of this piece of shit who–” Kyungsoo pulls Sehun forward again. “–thinks that he’s fucking better than everyone in this fucking dome!” And he punctuates every alternate word with a pull-and-slam of Sehun against the wall. Chanyeol swears she sees a Sehun-shaped dent forming.

“Soo! Kyungsoo! Please let go of him! Please!” Jongin’s wailing by then, his soft heart unable to withstand the sight of his co-pilot being so roughly mistreated at the hands of a fellow Ranger. A Ranger who’s known for his calm and collected personality.

“You’re killing him!”

And as though Jongin’s words seem to contain magical fairy dust, Kyungsoo suddenly stops and drops his arms. Sehun instantly inhales sharply, hands coming up to clutch at his throbbing red throat as he gulps down mouthfuls of air at a time. Jongin’s arms are wrapped around his waist, the older of the two sobbing and blubbering incoherently into his shoulder.

Chanyeol looks at the pair for a few seconds, her eyes glaring lasers at Sehun who apologetically drops his eyes upon contact, before turning her attention to the person who seems to need it the most in the room. She quietly approaches him, fingers gently sliding onto his shoulder, only to pause when she feels his body suddenly jerks.

“... Soo?”

If Jongin’s words really do contain magical fairy dust, then Chanyeol might just be a fairy in disguise. For her endearment of Kyungsoo’s name seem to have dispelled the darkness shrouding him, and Kyungsoo visibly relaxes, releasing a barely audible sigh that travels to Chanyeol’s ears, prompting her that it’s safe to continue to slide her fingers onto his shoulder, pads gently applying pressure against his shoulder blade. “You okay?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t reply, but Chanyeol gets an answer when Kyungsoo reaches up to envelope her hand with his own, slipping his fingers between hers as though it’s the most natural action in the world to him, before bringing both hands down to his side. Chanyeol smiles, genuinely smiles in relief, when she hears him mumble, “I’m fine.”

He doesn’t say more, doesn’t turn around to face his friend, but that’s okay. Chanyeol understands, and she really does understand because she doesn’t stop him even as her hand protests against the loss of warmth enveloping it when Kyungsoo pries his hand out of hers, and the young man’s back is all she sees as Kyungsoo silently walks out of the room.

Kyungsoo needs time alone, and Chanyeol kindly gives him that time. After all, they’re not best friends for almost two decades for naught.

---

According to Mrs Do, if the Park sisters are angels from Heaven, then her sons, the Do brothers, are devils from Hell.

Which is actually true because if a prank equals to a dollar, the sheer number of pranks that Do Seungsoo and Do Kyungsoo have pulled on Park Yura and Park Chanyeol ever since the Park family moved into the house next door would have generated enough dollars to last the sisters for a lifetime. Blame it on seven-year-old Yura for blurting out that the same-aged Seungsoo had looked handsome with his messy hair in the presence of a presumably innocent Kyungsoo who had accompanied his mother to deliver housewarming gifts.

(No, Yura had argued with Chanyeol back then, you should be blamed too because you’d also blurted out in front of Seungsoo that Kyungsoo had looked so adorable with his owl eyes and heart-shaped lips which must have made them think that we like them or something because we don’t!

Chanyeol had no snappy comeback for that.)

Yet, as the years go by, the number of pranks gradually lessen in contrast to the increase in maturity, and the two pairs of siblings inevitably became the best of friends. This friendship amongst the four of them were buoyed by the friendship of their parents as well, with spontaneous meals, in-town outings, and numerous out-of-town trips occasionally planned and carried out throughout the years. And even as the four children grew into teenagers, none of them have ever missed a trip despite their commitments. So, the get-togethers of the Do and Park families — filled with fun, joy, and laughter — continued...

… until it happened.

On a weekend trip to Sokcho that Chanyeol’s father had planned, the seaside town was attacked by a Kaiju. The Category III suddenly appeared on the beach with a shriek that was so ear-piercingly loud, it could be heard from hundreds of kilometres away. And on Seoraksan, Chanyeol and the Do brothers instantly stiffened at the deafening foreign noise, stopping their climb on the steps to turn their heads towards the interruption.

What they saw would stay with them until their deaths, and was the reason they entered the Jaeger Academy.

For on that day, despite a pristine white Jaeger, that had been described as an angel by the residents of Sokcho, descending upon the Kaiju minutes later and the dying screech of the creature travelled to the ears of the Do brothers and Chanyeol, the damage had been done.

Do Seungsoo and Do Kyungsoo lost their parents.

Park Chanyeol lost her entire world.

---

Chanyeol knows better than to broach the topic again.

She doesn’t talk about it at all, doesn’t even try to skirt around the mention of co-pilots even though she’s dying to know why Kyungsoo keeps rejecting Marshall Joonmyeon’s files of recommended applicants.

Are they not good enough for him? That’s definitely impossible. There’s no way Marshall Joonmyeon will recommend a bunch of halfwits for Kyungsoo to choose from when everyone knows he’s currently Nagasaki’s Number One Ranger since… Fukuoka happened. So, no, this probably isn’t the reason.

Does he not like any of them, then? Well, this could be possible. Kyungsoo has never expressed interest in anybody in all the years that Chanyeol has known him, be it girls or boys. He’d never seemed to want to make friends in school, and only participates in pair or group work when necessary. Even in the Academy, Kyungsoo had glued himself to his brother and best friend, vehemently refusing any form of communication and contact with anyone else. To say that the younger Do brother’s asocial is an understatement.

Then, Chanyeol concludes, does it mean that Soo really doesn't want any of the applicants to be his co-pilot…?

Chanyeol’s so absorbed in her thoughts, that she doesn’t even know she’s bumped into someone until she feels a hand on her head, fingers gently treading through her hair, and Chanyeol actually unconsciously lets out a satisfied hum. She hears a chuckle.

“You really have to watch where you’re going, Chanyeol-ah.”

The voice is familiar, and has an accent that Chanyeol’s grown to love over the past five-going-onto-six years since the pilot transferred over from Hong Kong upon the release of the result of the compatibility test he’d taken with Baekhyun, who had been deployed to Nagasaki straight out of the Academy, and needed a co-pilot. Chanyeol snaps out of her thoughts to find Yixing smiling at her, dimple showing, and the engineer quickly thinks of Baekhyun and his Hapkido skills to resist the urge to prod it. (Baekhyun doesn’t like anyone but him to touch his love.)

“Sorry,” Chanyeol apologises, giving Yixing a sheepish smile. He removes his hand from her head, but not before ruffling her hair playfully, and Chanyeol’s mouth quirks into a knowing smirk when she sees him descending from his tiptoes. “Busy thinking.”

“Of?” Yixing follows up, a concerned expression appearing on his face as he steps closer to Chanyeol who's seemingly looking down at him but her eyes are pointedly evading his searching ones. “Chanyeol, what were you thinking of?”

Chanyeol doesn't want to tell. It's not Yixing’s business anyway, honestly, even if he is a Jaeger pilot like Kyungsoo and is the only other friend Chanyeol knows who's experienced losing a co-pilot during battle. Yixing doesn't mind talking about Lu Han, but it's clear in his eyes that the sorrow from his loss could never fade with time.

“Maintenance stuff,” Chanyeol shrugs, hoping that Yixing would buy her excuse. The Chinese pilot is known for worrying about his friends, spending his rest time fretting over the problems of his colleagues even when he obviously doesn't have to. Chanyeol doesn't want, doesn't need Yixing’s concern. “The small budget makes my head hurt whenever I have to make upgrades for Satan Heart.”

“Ah,” Yixing nods, as though he understands the hardship of being a Jaeger engineer-in-charge. “Minseok rants to me sometimes.”

But Lys Halo’s budget is so much more than Satan Heart’s, Chanyeol gloomily thinks. What can Minseok rant about?

Not wanting to leave the conversation hanging, Chanyeol smiles and Yixing seems like he's about to say more when someone runs into the corridor they're in, shouting Xing Xing where are youuuuu and (poor) Yixing doesn't even have time to do anything before his back gains itself a visitor.

“Xing!” Baekhyun coos, nuzzling his face into the crook of Yixing’s neck and Chanyeol knows what's going to happen next; in a second, both pilots of Lys Halo are on the floor, with Yixing giggling incessantly as Baekhyun attempts to untangle himself from the mess of limbs. He manages to, and haphazardly pulls a wheezing Yixing up to see Chanyeol rolling her eyes. The engineer earns herself a light whack on the arm.

“It’s rude to roll your eyes at people older than you, kid.” Baekhyun chastises, arms wrapping around Yixing’s waist as he supports his still-wheezing co-pilot. Chanyeol thinks about helping, since Baekhyun looks like he's going to go down together with Yixing, but decides otherwise when Baekhyun glares at her reaching hands. Chanyeol promptly retracts them. “Besides, why aren't you at the Conference Room? Didn't the Marshall send you a memo for a meeting?”

Chanyeol tilts her head in confusion. “Meeting? What meeting? And no, Jo– I mean the Marshall didn't send me any memo.”

Yixing, who has stopped wheezing by then, exchanges a knowing glance with Baekhyun that immediately rings the warning bell in Chanyeol’s head. Heeding the blaring alarm, she hurriedly asks further, the urgency in her tone betraying the mock calm expression on her face.

“What is the Marshall calling the meeting for?”

Baekhyun looks at Yixing again, and pouts when the Chinese takes a step back, clearly indicating that he doesn't want to be the one to break the news. Baekhyun sighs, but steps up anyway.

“It's about Soo’s co-pilot. He has to choose one to prevent the decommissioning of Satan Heart.”

---

If Chanyeol hadn’t noticed how her best friends’ eyes lit up the moment Satan Heart appeared in their sight when they were being directed to the hangar on their very first day in Nagasaki Shatterdome, she would have insisted on being one of the Jaeger’s pilots even though she had already been assigned as the boys’ Jaeger’s engineer-in-charge.

It’s not that Chanyeol didn’t want to be a pilot. She could be one if the superiors had allowed her to be, but Chanyeol knows damn well that that would never happen; the Jaeger-Kaiju employment field is too predominantly male (and obviously sexism is at play) that throughout her five years in the field, she can count the number of females that she’s seen on a single hand. It’s lonely, being the only female on base with absolutely no female friends and feminine affections whatsoever, but Chanyeol’s hardened herself to accept this as a consequence of her choice almost six years ago and move on. After all, she’s had those weeks at the Academy to build this seemingly impenetrable wall.

Chanyeol has heard of the Academy, and she had also personally browsed through its website and marveled at the campus facilities together with Kyungsoo when they were still in elementary school where Jaegers and their pilots were worshipped by kids their age. But she hadn’t known that the Academy rarely accepts females. So she was taken aback when only Seungsoo and Kyungsoo were herded into a van, and she was left standing in the background of a devastated Sokcho with her entire being unable to make sense of what was happening. In that state, Chanyeol could barely see, hear, or feel anything. Yet, she faintly registered warmth enveloping her hand, a familiar voice shouting, before the warmth around her hand doubled in heat and the next thing she knew, she was sitting between Seungsoo and Kyungsoo on the van. The people, who claimed that they were from the Academy (Seungsoo had made sure that their badges were real; but one can never know), were glaring at her. And it was then Chanyeol realised that oh, they really didn’t want me.

The epiphany grew more concrete as Chanyeol sloughed through the weeks at the Academy, struggling to keep up with everyone else, and she began to understand. It wasn’t that her grades in both writing and practicals were subpar, nor was it that her simulation scores were below that of her (male) batchmates’. It was also most definitely not due to the (slightly) lower percentages that she had gotten with both Seungsoo and Kyungsoo in the drift compatibility test as compared to the boys’; in fact, her percentage with Kyungsoo only lost to his and his elder brother’s by a mere 0.12. And, heck, Chanyeol seemed to be the only female in the Academy! So it wasn’t hard for Chanyeol to truly comprehend why she hadn’t been considered for admission along with the Do brothers when they had been found in Sokcho after the Kaiju attack and subsequently as a Jaeger pilot.

She’s female.

And it’s because of this unchanging fact (and their sparkling eyes) that Chanyeol gave her okay to Seungsoo and Kyungsoo becoming pilots of Satan Heart whilst watching over them from the sidelines. In a short span of three years, Satan Heart rose quickly through the ranks of Jaeger capability with more and more successful drops and kills, while its pilots shot to the top with their impressive skills and heartwarming brotherhood. Chanyeol, on the other hand, remained unnoticed and unpraised by generally everyone at Nagasaki, but that’s alright; she’s friends with all the pilots and a couple of maintenance crew members, and more often than not the Do brothers have found themselves fending off poaching attempts made on their precious and darn capable engineer-in-charge.

The Satan Heart of the present wouldn’t be what it is right now if not for the blood, sweat, and tears of Seungsoo, Kyungsoo, Chanyeol, and their maintenance crew. (Chanyeol would like to add on death of– but that’s just morbid and might trigger Kyungsoo and his violent tendencies again.) To say that the Jaeger is their cherished baby is an understatement, and might actually set off a pair of snarling brothers and a feral maintenance crew if that was being said in sarcasm, which just showed how much Satan Heart meant to them.

And even though Chanyeol knows that, like her, Kyungsoo will do anything to keep the robot that he had spent so much time in with his (now dead) family member, the announcement of her best friend having really chose a co-pilot still shocks her. She should have known, though. The absence of Kyungsoo during dinner should have cued her in but Chanyeol’s still rendered speechless anyway when Marshall Joonmyeon announces it over the pin drop silence, and the engineer immediately feels the overwhelming heat of possibly the entire mess hall’s gazes. It’s searing, unbearably uncomfortable but the weight of Marshall Joonmyeon’s words and Kyungsoo’s decision roots her to her seat, preventing her escape.

At the table she’s seated at, the pilots and several maintenance crew members exchange looks of worry and concern, but the young woman’s immobile state discourages them from offering any words of comfort, except for Jongin, who daringly reaches across the table to place his hand over hers, and whose words really do seem to contain fairy dust, for when he softly whispers go Chanyeol–

–run–

–Chanyeol pushes off the weight on her shoulders and obediently flees.

---

Kyungsoo is the personification of quite a number of terms, seemingly negative terms actually, as Baekhyun has oh-so-kindly pointed out after his first week as Nagasaki’s newest pilot (and had taken it upon himself to reform the Seungsoo-Chanyeol-Kyungsoo friendship triangle into a square). Asocial. Introvert. Gloomy. Keeps to himself. Young man of reaaaaaaaally few words, or perhaps none at all.

He’s technically the opposite of you, Chanyeol.

So Chanyeol isn’t expecting an explanation, honestly. She doesn’t even harbour hopes for Kyungsoo to talk to her about his choice. If she’s lucky and manages to catch him on a wonderful day with perfectly fluffy clouds and unicorns running on pretty rainbows in the azure skies, he might offer her a nod of acknowledgement when they pass each other by in the corridors.

But let’s face it, good things like that never happen (and Chanyeol’s fairly certain that unicorns don’t exist), which also means that Chanyeol will never get the explanation that she, frankly, really wants from her best friend. It had occurred to her, over polishing of scratched Jaeger metal, that she actually needs that as a form of closure because, heck, she’s spent the past one year vehemently hinting at her interest in becoming his other half co-pilot while punctually submitting her name to the lists of applicants with whatever documents and write-ups required and on top of all that, diligently maintaining their beloved Jaeger.

Hence, Kyungsoo cannot not say anything after doing what he had done because why didn’t he say something in the first place why didn’t he come up to me and ask me for my opinion since I’m Satan Heart’s engineer-in-charge and his best friend why didn’t he tell me about the decommissioning when it’s so important and–

–did he think of choosing me?

At that bitter thought, Chanyeol starts to throw out possible reasons and the score of their drift compatibility test surfaces in her head, which prompts Chanyeol to etch in her long mental to-do list — demand for the score of Kyungsoo and his new co-pilot’s!

Kyungsoo is going to get so much hell from her if their score is way higher than that of him and his new co-pilot.

(Please do not forget that Chanyeol is a young woman and females tend to develop grudges after hearing of decisions that were made without their consultation.)

---

On hindsight, Chanyeol was never going to give Kyungsoo hell, even if she’s found out (weaseled out of Marshall Joonmyeon is more like it) that their score is indeed wayyyyyyy higher than Kyungsoo’s score with his — ugh — new co-pilot.

Kris Wu hails from Guangzhou, and although his family migrated to Canada when he was a child, he prefers to be called by his Chinese name, Yifan. His backstory is the same as Chanyeol and Kyungsoo’s: lost his family to a Kaiju attack whilst vacationing in a seaside town in China, was found and admitted into the Academy back in Canada, trained in the programme and subsequently deemed fit for deployment. Yifan hasn’t piloted a Jaeger before, but if the stats that Sehun had pilfered off an unsuspecting officer with his cringe-worthy aegyo are true, the young man probably wouldn’t have that much of a problem piloting one.

“He’s just several kills shy of the world’s highest drop-and-kill score held by that Chinese dude who used to be Yixing’s co-pilot,” Sehun had said over dinner that day as he spooned Jongin some broccoli, smiling when his co-pilot closed his mouth around the vegetable. “What was his name again? Yixing hardly talks about him, so I’ve never gone round to remembering–”

“It’s Lu Han,” A Chinese accented voice piped up and instantly everyone’s heads snapped to the direction of the voice. Apologetic expressions immediately came after; everyone knows how the mention of Yixing’s co-pilot is taboo. “But if the new co-pilot is indeed almost as good as Lu and also has the same sob story as you and the brothers,” Yixing had softly murmured as he slid onto the bench next to Chanyeol, “Then I suppose he’d be drift compatible with Soo.”

Well, Yixing had been right. Yifan is compatible with Kyungsoo, but it’s not just during drifting, for apparently they click really well outside of the Conn-Pod, too.

Chanyeol doesn’t believe the witness account that Jongdae conveys to her during breakfast on the third morning after Kyungsoo had chosen Yifan. She doesn’t believe that Kyungsoo will willingly comply with his new co-pilot’s request to bond over a couple of cans of sake when her best friend had never once attended Baekhyun’s so-called team bonding in his and Yixing’s room without Chanyeol having to pout her way to a reluctant agreement, and had never once on his own accord acquiesced to Chanyeol’s own bonding (also over a couple of cans of sake).

So, no. There is no way in hell Do Kyungsoo agreed to drinking with Wu Yifan on the context of bonding. No fucking way.

Alas, Chanyeol seems to have garnered the hate of the heavens above for her doubt in the words of her right-hand maintenance man and for almost strangling him to death for daring to lie to her; for just when she’s about to turn in for the night, someone knocks on her door. And when Chanyeol sleepily drags herself over to open it, she finds herself staring at the two persons she’s dismissed as drink buddies. Chanyeol’s so taken aback by their appearances that she only registers that she had fallen onto the floor with Kyungsoo sprawled on her when a pair of large hands appears to roll her drunk friend off her and subsequently haul her up to a sitting position.

“I’m so sorry,” A deep and accented voice apologises before it sighs. “I didn’t know that he’d get so drunk after three cans when he’d managed five yesterday.”

Chanyeol subconsciously chuckles, but freezes when she feels a gaze on her. Without looking up, she gestures to the space in front of her. “Take a seat.”

The person does so. “Thanks. And oh, here–” A large hand places a familiar-looking jacket on her lap. “–Kyungsoo’s jacket. He insisted on keeping it on him even though he kept complaining that the hangar was bloody hot and he wouldn’t let me pry it off him even after he almost puked on it. I had to wrestle it off of him, and boy that wasn’t fun.” The person chortles. “The jacket really means a lot to him, apparently.”

Chanyeol recognises the black piece of clothing instantly — it’s her first birthday gift to Kyungsoo after arriving in Nagasaki. She hadn’t known that it meant something to Kyungsoo; after all, she’s never seen it again after handing it to him all those years ago. And since the Shatterdome always seems to be in perpetual tropics everyday, nobody wears jackets unless they’re trying to invite a fever upon themselves.

“Thank you,” Chanyeol says without looking up. “I’ll give it back to Kyungsoo once he’s up.”

“You’re welcome. And I’m Yifan, by the way. Kyungsoo’s new co-pilot.”

At that, Chanyeol finally lifts her head and looks at Yifan. She hasn’t really seen Yifan properly (unless you count the few seconds of staring-but-not-really-staring at the door), so she’s rather surprised to see a handsome face looking back at her. Chanyeol wills herself to not gawk and drool. She’s not a child, nor a teenage girl, anymore and the last time she had gawked and drooled over a boy was when she laid eyes on K– Okay, let’s not go there.

“Hello, I’m–”

“Chanyeol,” Yifan answers for her, the corners of his lips tugging upwards into a knowing smile that surprises Chanyeol because dammit he’s good-looking I can’t hate him. “Satan Heart’s engineer-in-charge. Nice to meet you.” And Yifan extends a hand which Chanyeol gingerly shakes. His hand is rough and calloused and warm, like Kyungsoo’s. The skin contact makes Chanyeol realise how much she’s missed interacting with her best friend, how much she’s missed Kyungsoo’s warmth. And she somehow regrets not taking the initiative to confront Kyungsoo about his decision when she jolly well knows that her best friend of reaaaaaaaally few words or perhaps none at all will not be the one to do so. Her eyes unconsciously flutter shut as she enjoys the heat enveloping her hand, only to open them when Yifan’s hand jerks.

“I’m so sorry, I forgot the time and just remembered that you ought to have been sleeping before we showed up,” Yifan says quickly, an apologetic expression appearing on his face once more. He gently removes his hand from Chanyeol’s, and if he’s noticed how Chanyeol’s small smile had dropped due to the loss of warmth, he doesn’t mention it.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” Chanyeol shakes her head, but something strikes her then, and she curiously chases the rabbit (which is alright, since they’re not in a drift and they would never be anyway). “Why didn’t the two of you head back to your shared room?”

“Ah.” Scratching the back of his head, Yifan replies, “I did, but Kyungsoo insisted on going to Engineer Park’s room and the only engineer, that I currently know of, with the surname of Park is you, so I didn’t have a choice but to bring him here.”

“Oh.”

Yifan hums, then as though an afterthought had surfaced in his head, he adds, “I... tried lying to him that our room is yours, but even in that drunken state he knew that it isn’t.”

Chanyeol doesn’t know how to answer to that.

“And um, although I was the one who asked him to bond over drinks yesterday, today’s session was totally Kyungsoo’s idea,” Yifan continues as he stands up and Chanyeol’s eyes subconsciously follow his movements. He heads to the opened door, long fingers winding themselves over the edges of the frame. Yifan pauses for a moment, as though hesitant to continue, but he does. “He wouldn’t tell me the reason for wanting to drink but since he wanted to come here even though he’s dead drunk, it probably has something to do with you.”

Chanyeol watches the door close, darkness engulfing her. She stands and gropes around for the light switch. Her eyes immediately dart over to the sleeping lump on the floor. Chanyeol sighs. What an idiot.

---

Chanyeol never gets the chance to clarify Yifan’s words with Kyungsoo, for the pilot woke up before she did and wasn’t where she had left him on the floor. The only thing that tells Chanyeol that she didn’t dream the night up was the blanket she had thrown over Kyungsoo, neatly folded and placed beside her head.

Yet, even as the week passes by, and the next week rolls around, Chanyeol never gets the chance to ask Kyungsoo either. Work-wise, she’s overwhelmed with Satan Heart’s maintenance, for the Jaeger’s budget has been restored to its former glory and Chanyeol can finally get those upgrades she’s been eying. And since her weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds are spent with the robot, Chanyeol hasn’t had time to approach Kyungsoo. Heck, she hasn’t seen anywhere else in the Shatterdome besides the hangar and her pillow, or anyone else except Jongdae and the maintenance crew for a couple of weeks now.

So it’s when Satan Heart looks much more kickass than before, with its new weapons and a super sleek coat (which Chanyeol got round to cleaning, but not without complaints), Chanyeol finally has the time and energy to seek Kyungsoo out.

“Kyungsoo’s, uh, showering,” is what Yifan says when he opens the door about two minutes after Chanyeol knocks on it. His eyes drop from hers, hand coming up to scratch at the back of his head and Chanyeol immediately senses his discomfort. Kyungsoo most probably isn’t showering, and has put Yifan up to lying to her. Ugh, that jerk.

She doesn’t comment on it, though, just nods and shuffles away, only to turn back when her name is called by a now-familiar deep accented voice. Yifan walks up to her, lowering his head slightly to whisper in her ear. “Catch us in the Kwoon Room later, I’ll make sure to keep him there until you arrive.”

---

The first and only person Chanyeol sees in the Kwoon Room when she steps inside is Yifan, but her confusion clears when she notices how he’s groaning on the floor, as though he got himself into a fight and was thrashed. She deadpans, “Soo figured out your plan and bailed, didn’t he.”

A sheepish and apologetic smile forms on Yifan’s face. “Nothing slips past him, it seems.” He accepts Chanyeol’s hand, and rolls himself up to a sitting position. Yifan gestures to the space in front of him and joins Chanyeol’s chuckles when he realises that the engineer had done the same all those nights ago. “He sensed that I was dragging out our fights longer than usual and bluntly told me to stop stalling because he–” Yifan abruptly stops and bites on his lower lip.

“Because he doesn’t want to see nor talk to me?” Chanyeol finishes, sighing when Yifan’s vague expression and head movement seem to say otherwise, but she knows her words are the truth. Chanyeol has known Kyungsoo for almost two decades after all. “I know that Soo doesn’t talk unless he has to, but this is too much even for him.”

Yifan hesitantly nods, “I would agree but I’ve only been his friend for less than three months so I can’t judge, and neither am I entitled to say anything about your friendship.” Chanyeol glances at the young man, who’s playing with his fingers and pointedly not looking at Chanyeol, and she belatedly realises how nice Yifan actually is.

She doesn’t know if the dome’s newest addition knows, but she’s heard people talking behind his back, about how Yifan’s so tall and overbearing, looks so unapproachable, looks so proud because of his impressive stats. She’s heard them whispering about how he hardly smiles, doesn’t talk to anyone unless he’s spoken to first, doesn’t entertain anyone that’s not worth his precious time.

Yet, as Chanyeol sits in front of the pilot whom others have deemed cold, aloof, stand-offish, she doesn’t feel them. Yes, those words can be used to describe Yifan’s everyday expression, the one that Chanyeol sees on his face as he walks through the corridors, the one that he wears during meetings and briefings, the one that he dons the moment he parts from any of his friends that he’s made on base. But Chanyeol reckons, knows, that it’s a mask Yifan slaps onto his face because he doesn’t want to deal with people he’s not familiar with, when in fact he’s actually soft, warm-hearted, and laughs a lot around people he knows. (Yixing told her that over lunch one day, telling her that they’ve been hanging out since they’re fellow countrymen. Baekhyun hadn’t looked too happy.)

Yifan reminds Chanyeol of Kyungsoo. (Except that he’s taller, much taller.)

Oh. No wonder they’re compatible.

And her thoughts would have drifted into dangerous territory then, if not for Yifan’s sudden quip snapping Chanyeol out of it to see that he’s looking at her concernedly. She bats the worried expression away with a dismissive wave. “Anyway, do you know where Soo ran off to?”

Yifan brandishes a piece of paper and the evil smirk on his face tells Chanyeol that she’s going to be the one to take revenge upon Kyungsoo for him. The returning smirk on Chanyeol’s face tells Yifan that she’d be delighted to.

---

Kyungsoo’s surprised yelp when he steps out of the bathroom is music to Chanyeol’s ears.

“Hello, best friend,” Chanyeol, who has unceremoniously sat on Kyungsoo’s bed on the lower bunk, casually says, waving a hand as she takes in Kyungsoo’s deer in headlights expression and suppresses a smirk. “Or should I say supposed-best-friend-whom-I-haven’t-seen-or-talked-to-in-months?” She stares right at him, unafraid of whatever emotions she might see in those owlish eyes. A flash of guilt is all she manages to capture before Kyungsoo hastily looks away.

Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, turning to drape his towel onto an installed rack right next to the bathroom door before walking over to the laundry chute to throw his soiled training attire in it. He still doesn’t say anything even as he sits at the dressing table and starts to dry his hair with a hair dryer which Chanyeol identifies as probably Yifan’s (because she hasn’t seen Kyungsoo use a hairdryer ever).

He stays silent, but it doesn’t bother Chanyeol as much as it should since she’s experienced similar situations in the past, but her ears are itching to hear his words; they’ve been wanting to for months. The whirring of the hair dryer doesn’t drive the elephant out of the room, nor does it obscure the blatant fact that Kyungsoo’s seemingly hellbent on keeping his mouth shut. But as the silence drags on and increasingly gets under Chanyeol’s skin, she knows she’s had enough. So she breaks it.

“When were you going to tell me?”

Chanyeol’s sudden question is definitely loud enough to be heard over the noise of the hair dryer. There’s no way Kyungsoo can’t hear it when she’s practically yelled it across the room. And he does, for Kyungsoo instantly freezes, hair dryer stopping its orbit around his head.

“When were you going to tell me that you’ve chosen a co-pilot?”

From where she’s seated, Chanyeol gets a clear view of Kyungsoo’s face reflected on the mirror of the dressing table. She sees his eyes flitting upwards, meeting hers straight on briefly before they drop back to wherever he was staring at, and Kyungsoo’s tongue slowly drags across his lower lip before teeth appear to bite on it. Kyungsoo’s nervous. As he should be.

But Chanyeol doesn’t allow Kyungsoo to slack, doesn’t allow him to have some time to calm down, to not feel nervous. He’s not entitled to. “When were you going to tell me?” She continues to ask, voice loud and clear, carrying the pent-up exasperation and anger to Kyungsoo who’s rooted to his seat, unmoving. “When were you going to tell me that Satan Heart would be decommissioned should you not choose a co-pilot by whenever the deadline was? When were you going to ever tell me if I–” Chanyeol suddenly stops, eyes widening in surprise. Shit. Shit, she’d almost blurted out the single burning question she’s always wanted to ask.

If I stood a chance to be next to you in Satan Heart?

If Kyungsoo’s noticed through the mirror how Chanyeol had shut up, suddenly finding her fingers very interesting after she drops her head, he doesn’t do anything to show that he has. He switches off the hair dryer, winds the cable around it, and stores it in one of the table’s drawers. It shuts with a clack that resounds within the silent room, emphasizing on the solemn atmosphere within. Kyungsoo then quietly combs his hand through his hair, lips parting slightly to inhale through his mouth before he softly replies, “I was planning to tell you all that–”

“When?” Chanyeol unceremoniously interrupts, head snapping upwards upon hearing Kyungsoo’s voice. He’s finally answering, and Chanyeol’s going to keep him talking. “When were you going to–”

“–after I told Marshall Joonmyeon my choice.” Kyungsoo’s tone is steady, firm, pointedly letting Chanyeol know that he’s not going to be riled up by her persistence, that he will talk, that he will answer her questions. He’s not going to avoid her, not anymore. “But it seems that you’ve run into someone who blabbed to you before I could do so.”

Kyungsoo glances at the mirror, choosing to meet with Chanyeol’s eyes to let her see the truth in his words through his own, but her facial expression makes it hard for him to maintain the contact for the disappointment that’s crept onto her face is unknowingly creating minute cracks on the surface of his heart. Kyungsoo’s not heartless after all, and he will always have this soft spot towards his best friend whether he admits to it or not (which is never).

“But even so–” Chanyeol swallows. Her pent-up anger and exasperation seem to have vanished, leaving behind a waning determination to keep Kyungsoo talking. Her bravado’s gone, and it’s not helping Chanyeol at all. “–you still could have come to me to let me know.”

Kyungsoo blinks, then blinks again before he tears his eyes away, murmuring, “Yeah, I could have.”

“So why didn’t you?” The words are out of Chanyeol’s mouth even before she registers saying them, and her surprise is written clearly on her face which, thankfully, Kyungsoo doesn’t see. She quickly rearranges her expression and continues, heart thumping with a sudden burst of adrenaline that came out of nowhere. Is her bravado returning due to Kyungsoo’s subtle display of guilt? Chanyeol doesn’t know, but she hopes that it will last.

“The news of Satan Heart’s decommissioning should have been made known to you much earlier so as to give you ample time to choose your co-pilot but why? Why didn’t you let me know straightaway? Why didn’t you come to me and break the news to me, Kyung–” Chanyeol gulps.

“–Kyungsoo.”

His name sounds foreign to her ears, tastes foreign on her tongue, making Chanyeol realising bitterly how long she hasn’t actually called him. There was an awkward feeling on her lips when they were forming those two characters, and Chanyeol admits to herself that the feeling isn’t something she’d like to experience again.

Kyungsoo lifts his head up, an automatic response to hearing his name being called. He looks at Chanyeol, still through the mirror, and softly answers, “I… I don’t know.”

Chanyeol groans. “Don’t pull that shit with me. I know that you know the reason very well but you’re just not telling me.” She glares at Kyungsoo, mentally praying for the face that she sees in the mirror to catch fire and combust into flames and– Oh. Her fury is returning. Perfect. “What do I have to do for you to give me the reason? I know I’m being really petulant right now but I really need the reason. I really do.”

The room lapses into silence with Kyungsoo still looking at Chanyeol through the mirror. He hasn’t seen — properly taken a good look — at his Jaeger’s engineer-in-charge for more than a month, and he’s surprised to notice how Chanyeol’s shoulder-length hair has grown longer, ends now floating around her chest, while wispy bangs obscure those large brown eyes of her. The corners of her lips are slightly tugged downwards, completing the seemingly exhausted expression on Chanyeol’s face. This belated discovery of his… friend’s changes pricks at Kyungsoo, and he regrets not reaching out to her earlier. He’s been out of her life for too long.

“Do I have to be Seungsoo for you to tell me?”

Chanyeol knows that bringing up her dead childhood friend-slash-Kyungsoo’s dead brother is a low blow, a dick move. But what can she do? She’s out of options and Kyungsoo isn’t exactly making things any easier for her either. Besides, she’s long accepted his death; Do Seungsoo’s dead, there is nothing that can be done to bring him back.

“No, you don’t have to be.”

At the mention of that name, Kyungsoo’s aura instantly changes. He turns dark, cold, and when Chanyeol realises the split-second change, his eyes are already blank. He’s become a Kyungsoo that Chanyeol hasn’t seen in a long while. The last time Kyungsoo had been like this was when Chanyeol visited him in the Medical Bay after returning from his first failed drop. Kyungsoo had been so still, unresponsive to Chanyeol’s gentle whispers, his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. His state had Chanyeol thinking that he was dead and the heartbeat detector hooked up to him was lying to her.

But Kyungsoo’s very much alive. Physically. Mentally, Kyungsoo’s dead. The Do Kyungsoo back then feels like an empty shell, as though his soul had been ripped out together with Seungsoo by that Kaiju.

“You don’t have to be my brother to know the reason,” Kyungsoo says, face shuttered and devoid of emotions. Chanyeol can tell that he’s pissed, and she’s got to admit that she’s afraid but what’s done is already done; she can’t retract her words now. “But fine, since you’re so fucking eager to know, I’ll tell you.” And Kyungsoo turns around to face her, and they finally see each other face to face.

“It’s because you’re you.”

Kyungsoo’s words echo in the room, bouncing off the metal walls before they come rushing to Chanyeol’s ears and cause confusion in her head as she ponders his words. She doesn’t understand. And Kyungsoo must have realised it (or just seen how her head had tilted to the side and her face has huh what written all over) for he sighs softly before stiffening, probably shocked at how he had softened under Chanyeol’s genuine confusion. He hastily hardens himself and continues.

“If I had gone to you with the news of Satan Heart’s decommissioning, you’d immediately march right up to the Marshall’s room and demand for an explanation which would result in consequences that you’d think are unnecessary and foolish. Then you’d make a huge ruckus that would cause everyone in the dome to look at you in a different light, and it’s not as if you’re not being put down enough because of the fact that you’re a girl–”

The mention of her gender strikes up a flame in Chanyeol, and she lets the heat get the better of her by snapping, “Being a girl doesn’t mean that I can’t think.” Chanyeol stands up, careful to avoid the top bunk, and plants her hands at her hips. “Being a girl doesn’t mean that I can’t provide suggestions. Being a girl doesn’t mean that I’m not entitled to know.”

“... You know that’s not what I’m implying.”

“Then what are you implying?”

Chanyeol stares at Kyungsoo, heated eyes piercing cold ones.

“I’m implying,” Kyungsoo breaks the silence first, but he doesn’t break the eye contact. He holds his ground, those large cold eyes defiantly resisting melting under the warmth of Chanyeol’s fiery ones. “That telling you about both the decommissioning and selection of a co-pilot would be redundant because you’d be of no help to me at all.”

“Are you saying that I’m… useless?”

“If you’ve interpreted it to be that way, then, yes, Chanyeol, you’re useless.”

Chanyeol gapes, then scoffs in utter disbelief. Is Kyungsoo hearing himself? Does he know what he’s saying? Does he know that he’s hurting me?

But okay. Since Kyungsoo’s being this– this stupid (for the lack of a better word), then Chanyeol doesn’t have to be nice to him any longer.

“Fine, I’m useless. And since I’m USELESS, you can fucking maintain your Jaeger on your fucking own!”

Chanyeol stomps over to the door, wrenches it open and runs out. The conversation is over.

---

Unfortunately for Chanyeol, it seems that Kyungsoo and Yifan aren’t going to maintain Satan Heart on their own.

For on the second afternoon of Chanyeol’s self-proclaimed break, Marshall Joonmyeon comes rushing into her room, shouting her name at the top of his voice before choking on his saliva while his eyes narrowed at the sight of Chanyeol playing a card game with Jongin and Sehun on the floor. And while the Marshall tears into the pilots of Ventus Shadow for goofing off when there are Kaijus to be fought, Chanyeol attempts to slip out of her room, only to be stopped by her boss’ stern bark of Park Chanyeol get back here.

Marshall Joonmyeon forces Chanyeol to eat her words, having heard about her screaming at Kyungsoo to fucking maintain his own Jaeger from the pilot himself, and Chanyeol’s utterly shocked for since when was S– Ranger Do a tattle-tale!?

Anyway, Chanyeol can’t quit being Satan Heart’s engineer-in-charge, despite her protests and complaints, even though Marshall Joonmyeon has had enough of her antics and thinks that Jongdae is due for a promotion.

So, after apologising to Jongin who’s clinging onto Sehun for dear life after experiencing the worst scolding of my life and apologetically patting Sehun on the shoulder, Chanyeol leaves the safety of her room and heads to the hangar. She greets Satan Heart like an old friend, looking up at its metallic black body without fear for what usually comes after. The screams never come, and they haven’t plagued her for a long time now. Chanyeol doesn’t know what’s happened, but she’s glad that she no longer has to wake up on the cold hard floor with a pounding head and ringing ears. Goodness knows how much time she had wasted trying to re-orientate herself when those minutes could have been used on tightening a couple of loose screws.

And that is exactly what she does. Drowning herself in the Jaeger’s maintenance, ordering her crew members around, placing orders for more upgrades and basic spare parts — fulfilling the points in her job scope as an engineer-in-charge. Work, work, work, and more work. That’s all Chanyeol does from that day on.

Nobody else in Chanyeol’s circle of friends, except for Jongdae and Minseok, has Chanyeol in their field of vision for more than ten minutes a day. Both Jongdae and Minseok see the female engineer in the Jaeger hangar for most of the day, but they’re all too swamped with endless maintenance work (what with the sudden increase in Kaiju appearances which in turn increases the drops of Ventus Shadow and Lys Halo since the pilots of Satan Heart require a little more time to adjust themselves) to engage in conversations other than hi bye how are you holding up work sucks huh but Kaijus suck more. Baekhyun and Yixing, when they’re not out saving Nagasaki from Kaijus, occasionally catch Chanyeol in the corridors to briefly chat with her, but after noticing how fidgety and flighty she is, they reluctantly let her go with smiles masking their worries. For Jongin and Sehun, they’ve never had the luck to see her. The only thing that tells them that Chanyeol’s alive are the noises that they hear from her room next to theirs, and that loud mutter of stupid idiot who thinks he’s so smart ugh what a jerk that Sehun managed to overhear by smashing his ear against their joined wall under a worried Jongin’s order. (Chanyeol had been too silent for Jongin’s liking that evening.)

Otherwise, Chanyeol’s friends don’t see her. She declines invitations for get-togethers, avoids deliberately-prolonged conversations. Chanyeol even turned down a bonding request from Yifan, whom Yixing has easily roped in to ask, though it wasn’t without difficulty because dammit who knew that he had such a kickass puppy look that would give her a run of her own money. Chanyeol briefly wondered if Kyungsoo’s given in to his co-pilot’s pouting face like how he always succumbs to hers before she vehemently shook her head and slapped her cheeks to snap out of it girl, scaring Yifan who promptly aborted his mission and scarpered. (Chanyeol sees Yifan looking sad the morning after and attributes it to her cruel rejection; she doesn’t know that Baekhyun has banned him from hanging out with Yixing due to his failure.)

Besides aggressively avoiding her friends, whom she thinks will ask about what happened between Kyungsoo and her and make them talk it out under their watchful eyes, Chanyeol, of course, also avoids Kyungsoo.

There’s nothing left to be said to him. Kyungsoo’s words are crystal clear. He had deemed it unnecessary to consult her about Satan Heart’s matters as well as his own because she’s useless. So fine. Whatever. Since there’s nothing Chanyeol wants to say to Kyungsoo, there’s no need to meet him at all.

Which is what Chanyeol does. She speaks to him only when necessary; about matters concerning Satan Heart, setting up briefings with Yifan and Ranger Do to talk about their Jaeger’s new capabilities, and sometimes helping Zitao from K-Science to pass on files of Kaiju information (which she mostly tries to hand over to Yifan instead). Colleagues, that’s what Chanyeol is trying to be with Kyungsoo. Them being best friends, or friends even, are a thing of the past now because Chanyeol’s certain that their friendship is over.

It isn’t that Chanyeol hasn’t quarreled or fought with Kyungsoo before, because they have. Countless times throughout the two decades they’ve known each other have the younger siblings from the Do and Park household spat in each other’s faces, pinched each other’s arms, pulled each other’s hair, bruised each other’s bodies, and ran home to their mothers crying and complaining about the other. But those wounds never stopped the boy and girl from coming together again the next day as though the childish things they did to each other never happened. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol fought hard, but they played just as hard (and happily) together the next time they meet.

But that was more than a decade ago, when they were mere children and teenagers. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol are adults now. They can’t go running to their parents or older siblings with their troubles (partly because they’re all dead). And Chanyeol doesn’t have any other friend who’s closer to her than Kyungsoo. So there really isn’t anyone she can talk to and seeing how she’s the only female in the whole fucking Shatterdome full of egoistic and unfeeling men (Ranger Do included), Chanyeol’s chances of confiding in someone is, unfortunately, a big fat zero.

---

“Is anyone sitting here?”

Chanyeol stops shovelling soba (it’s Japanese Week) into her mouth, eyes flitting upwards despite not lifting her head, only to quickly drop them back to the bowl when she sees Yifan looking down at her thoughtfully. Chanyeol doesn’t say anything, just continues to slurp down her soba. Yifan takes her lack of response as a no.

He gently sets his tray down before sitting on the bench, across from Chanyeol, and shoves his face right in front of her bowl, interested in her choice of noodles. His sudden intrusion surprises Chanyeol, and she chokes on a strand, face reddening quickly as she attempts to gulp down spoonfuls of soup to wash down that blasted strand of soba, only to open her mouth unattractively wide because ahhhhhh hot hot hot hot!

Yifan’s loud and uninhibited laughter travels to Chanyeol’s ears, causing her to scowl after she’s managed to empty all the hot air in her mouth. “You dare to laugh at me after doing this to me,” Chanyeol glares at Yifan, forgetting that she’s actively avoiding all non-friendly contact with everyone. “Apologise this instance!”

The engineer-in-charge’s angry face just makes Yifan laugh more, his laughter growing louder and wilder, attracting the attention of almost everyone in the mess hall (which aren’t many since it’s three hours too late in the afternoon to be having lunch). “Shut up!” Chanyeol hisses, blood rushing to her face again. “You’re causing everyone to look this way!” She reaches over the table to slap Yifan on the arm, which the Chinese nimbly avoids even though his body is vehemently shaking. Chanyeol’s lips unconsciously slide into a pout. “I didn’t starve myself for two hours to be at the centre of attention!”

At the sound of petulance in her tone, Yifan’s eyes dart over to Chanyeol’s pouting expression, and he gradually stops laughing. Only to start cooing (in that low baritone of his). “Aiyo, our Chanyeol’s so adorable!” His long arms extend across the table, fingers that seem equally just as long reaching out towards Chanyeol whose eyes have widened in surprise and horror. She makes a move to lean backwards but it’s too late; Yifan’s large hands are like nets, closing in on her while his wriggling fingers remind Chanyeol of fish hooks. She gets caught.

“Aigoo, Chanyeollie’s so cute,” Yifan coos as he gently pinches the cheeks trapped between his fingers, slightly moving Chanyeol’s face side to side. He notices the murderous expression on her face, and swallows down the urge to burst out laughing because darn that’s cute too. Yifan settles for more pinching and cooing instead, even as the murderous intent increases exponentially from across the table and he feels another killing aura from somewhere within the mess hall. Yifan mentally snorts. I thought someone said he wasn’t hungry?

Across the table, Chanyeol is seething. Her cheeks are hurting but she’s unable to remove her face from Yifan’s vice grip. And seeing how the pilot of the Jaeger she’s in charge of keeps teasing her and manipulating her head movement with those long fingers that she’d very much like to snap into pieces, the attention that she has tried so hard to shy away from will not be diminishing any time soon. Darn, Chanyeol hadn’t trained her stomach to feel hungry for lunch at three o’clock for this. She hadn’t suppressed the loneliness while sitting alone at a corner of the mess hall for her supposed colleagues to stare at her. Chanyeol guesses that she’d have to find a secret spot to have her meals from now on since Yifan seems to have garnered enough courage to be friendly with her even though she’s treated him as nothing more than a colleague for quite some time now.

Yet, Chanyeol’s also confused. She doesn’t know why Yifan’s doing all these. Did somebody put him up to this? Is it Baekhyun and Yixing again? Or is Yifan acting on his own? Could it be Kyun–

No. It couldn’t be. There’s no way. Chanyeol’s very certain about that.

But Chanyeol’s uncertain about the others. So she asks, “What are you doing here, Yifan?”

Yifan stops torturing Chanyeol’s cheeks and looks at her as though she’s sprouted Kaiju parts on her body. “What do you mean by that? Can’t you see I’m having my lunch, duh.” Then as though he remembered something essential, Yifan’s eyes blow wide and he finally lets go of Chanyeol’s cheeks, only to shriek and slap his own. “I forgot about my udon!”

A deadpan expression forms on Chanyeol’s face as she sees Yifan grabbing his chopsticks and begins to shove the udon in his bowl into his mouth. The udon has swelled and the amount of soup has significantly lessened. Serves him right, Chanyeol smirks and sticks out her tongue at him. The action catches Yifan’s eyes, almost immediately flitting upwards to her face, but if Chanyeol hadn’t been looking at his eyes, she would not have noticed Yifan’s eyes shifting to the side, pupils dilating.

The movement is barely noticeable and Yifan recovers just as quickly as it had happened but Chanyeol’s curiosity has been piqued. She makes a move to turn her head–

“Don’t.”

–when Yifan’s deep but sharp tone forces her to stop. Her eyes shift to the other side and Yifan’s wistful smile comes into view. “Don’t turn if you want to continue to be invisible.”

Chanyeol instantly understands, and the curiosity drains out of her body. She swivels her torso back to face her table mate, picks up her chopsticks and resumes her lunch. Her eyes focus on a random spot on the table as she robotically catches strands of soba and shoves them into her mouth silently. The soup is warm now, Chanyeol won’t burn her tongue.

But somewhere within her body burns when she hears Yifan murmur, “He's hurting too, you know.”

I know, Chanyeol replies in her head. How could I not know that he’s hurting when every time I look into his eyes, all I see is pain? She doesn’t say it out loud, afraid of the consequences that might come with it if she does. Chanyeol’s not ready. She’s not ready to talk to Kyungsoo. Not yet.

---

It’s a month and half later does Chanyeol talk to Kyungsoo. She knows that she’s not ready to talk to him, but she knows she has to do it because the expression on Kyungsoo’s face is something Chanyeol never wants to see appearing on her friend’s face ever again.

“He’ll be okay,” Chanyeol softly says, wincing when she hears her voice echoing in the empty corridor that houses the entrance to the Shatterdome’s Medical Bay. Their friends and some others have been here, sending their consolations to Kyungsoo who accepted them with curt nods, translated by Chanyeol to be thank you for coming. Baekhyun and Yixing were the last to leave, as Yixing had refused to leave the side of Kyungsoo, citing that a pilot still drifting with his injured co-pilot needs another person’s companionship the most. The pain will be shared, the anxiety will be felt by both, and the fear will be magnified. It’s the worst kind of feeling for pilots, and even more so for friends.

(“And even though Soo’s felt it before when–”

“Shhh!”)

Yixing had only agreed to leave when he’s reminded by Baekhyun that Kyungsoo’s strong, having been through worse — “But you can’t be strong all the time,” Yixing had murmured — and he has Chanyeol. Kyungsoo has Chanyeol by his side, so he will be okay. It’s then did Yixing allow Baekhyun to pull him away, albeit still reluctant, from the entrance with a promise to return at sunrise if Yifan’s still in surgery.

Yifan had gotten injured in Satan Heart’s latest drop, though Chanyeol doesn’t exactly know what injuries he’s sustained. She’s only certain that his left arm had been left immobile after the Category III had bitten off the Jaeger’s left arm as a last ditch attempt while Kyungsoo had been ruthlessly emptying plasma shots into the Kaiju with the Jaeger’s right arm until the monster gave up and descended beneath the waves. Chanyeol was in LOCCENT then, had heard the rushed and urgent words exchanged between pilots and officers, had heard Yifan’s reassurance of I’m alright, I just can’t feel my left arm that’s all, and Kyungsoo ordering for the copters to come and fucking bring us back now!

Chanyeol dashed into the Conn-Pod the moment Satan Heart arrived on base, only to see Kyungsoo ripping Yifan out of his position and manhandling the protesting co-pilot onto his back. He hadn’t bothered to wait for the stretchers or the medics. He just pushed past Chanyeol, as though he hadn’t even seen her, and made his way to the Medical Bay. Chanyeol was shocked by Kyungsoo’s actions, hand shakily reaching up to the spot on her arm where his shoulder had knocked into. It hurts a little, but the slight pain was enough to snap Chanyeol out of her daze and she ran after him. But even before she could round the corner and step into the corridor leading to the Medical Bay, Chanyeol could already hear the loud ruckus, and when she reached the entrance, the sight of male nurses helping their female counterparts to push Kyungsoo out onto the corridor greeted her. Kyungsoo was thrashing against the nurses’ holds, hollering at the top of his lungs that he wants to be next to his co-pilot, wants to be with Yifan in the surgery room.

I don’t want him to be alone in there! I have to be inside!

LET ME–

“I still feel it.”

Chanyeol is startled out of her recollection, registering that she had probably jumped in her spot on the floor when a chuckle travels to her ears. She immediately slides out her lower lip in petulance but stiffens when the owner of the chuckle joins her on the floor, a soft grunt escaping his lips as he tries to get comfortable. His arm presses against hers, and the full-on contact that Chanyeol hasn’t felt in months causes her face to flood with colour. She quickly hides it in the crook of her arm, bringing her knees up to support it.

Another chuckle resounds through the corridor, resonating with Chanyeol’s heart. The amusement in the sound that she hasn’t heard in months causes her heart to beat faster, thump louder and Chanyeol’s afraid, scared that the person next to her can hear it because the silence in the corridor is so fucking deafening. He can’t hear it. Kyungsoo mustn’t hear it.

But Chanyeol has no way to know if Kyungsoo’s heard it, for the indifference in his tone when he continues talking betrays none of his emotions. “I can still feel his pain, but at least it’s faint now.” He turns to her, both corners of his lips quirked upwards a little; Kyungsoo may be smiling, but he’s not smiling smiling. “But, y’know, it’s still a horrible feeling, ghost-drifting.”

Chanyeol would have said yeah I know if she’s a pilot and has experienced whatever Kyungsoo’s saying but she isn’t. She’s an engineer, the engineer-in-charge of the Jaeger whose pilots are still ghost-drifting even though it’s been hours since they’ve been out of the Conn-Pod and separated by glass doors and medical equipment. So Chanyeol can’t lie. She can’t possibly lie to Kyungsoo when he jolly well knows that she doesn’t have a clue as to what he’s feeling.

So she doesn’t.

“No,” Chanyeol honestly admits, lifting her face out of her arm, resting her chin on a knee while she let her hands drop to the floor. She stares ahead, not willing to return the gaze that’s causing her body to burn up. Chanyeol may be talking to him but she still isn’t ready to face him. Not yet. “Actually I don’t. I don’t know how that feels.”

She says it softly, but Chanyeol doesn’t even register that she’s almost whispering until a body of black trespasses into her blurred field of sight and a familiar voice whispers back, “I’m not used to you not being loud and boisterous, Chanyeol.”

A warm breath blows gently onto her face, snapping her out of her daze, and her sight quickly sharpens to ultimate high definition to see Kyungsoo smiling, genuinely smiling, at her. His large eyes have slightly curved into crescents, and his lips are pulled into a heart, forming one of the many facial expressions Chanyeol loves. Though, the expression is quick to fade when confusion and concern swim into his eyes and Kyungsoo asks, “Yeol, are you okay?”

Yeol. It’s an endearment used by her friends too but when Kyungsoo says it, a vastly different feeling spreads within her and it feels so familiar, so good that Chanyeol wants to cry. It’s been so long since she’s heard him say it, and Chanyeol would be lying if she says that she doesn’t want Kyungsoo to say it over and over. If Kyungsoo could say it to her forever, Chanyeol will never complain about polishing the whole of Satan Heart ever again.

“I-I’m alright. Just a little–”

“Tired?” Kyungsoo interrupts, his brows furrowing and Chanyeol doesn’t know if Kyungsoo’s doing that concerned expression on purpose because it’s not helping her at all. In Chanyeol’s eyes, the frowning Kyungsoo looks as attractive as one of the numerous bishounens she’s drooled over in her mangas and are those flower petals forming a heart around–

“Yeah,” Chanyeol deadpans as she mentally slaps herself. Oh god, she needs to get a grip. As if her reddening face isn’t enough for Kyungsoo to know that she’s nervous around him. She doesn’t need to blurt out a nonsensical garble of oh my gosh Soo you’re so handsome let me just remove that petal from your cheek– Chanyeol slaps herself again. “I’m tired.”

Kyungsoo chuckles, and settles back into his spot next to Chanyeol, with his back plastered to the wall. “Well then,” says Kyungsoo as he starts to wriggle his shoulder. Chanyeol stares at him in utter confusion, oblivious to the way Kyungsoo’s pupils are flitting between his moving shoulder and her. She worriedly asks, “Is something wrong with your shoulder? Why is it shaking so badly? Should we go into the Medical Bay and get it checked out?”

Chanyeol’s so genuinely worried, her eyes have blown so wide that they rival the size of Kyungsoo’s. But at Kyungsoo’s sudden burst of laughter, they immediately narrow. “You’re slapping your thighs– and clapping your hands oh my god–” Chanyeol makes a move to get up. “–something must have affected Yifan for you to behave like this.” She’s about to stand on her feet when Kyungsoo grabs her hands to stop her.

“N-Nothing’s wrong!” Kyungsoo wheezes, eyes squeezing shut and several droplets of tears streak down his risen cheeks. There’s a happy expression on his face. Chanyeol’s very confused, and still worried (about his mental health). “It’s just that I– I was offering my shoulder for you to rest your head.”

His words waft away from them, only to rush into Chanyeol’s ears and a wave of understanding surges through her. Her body goes limp like a ragdoll. “What?”

“Um, I was planning to lend you my shoulder to rest on?” Kyungsoo replies gingerly, the happy expression slightly fading away.

“Oh.”

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to think of that. She hasn’t experienced and dealt with this side of Kyungsoo before because IT’S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE OH MY GOD WHAT SHOULD I DO–

“But if you’re not tired,” Kyungsoo begins to say as he gently guides a perplexed Chanyeol back to her spot. “Then I’m going to borrow your shoulder instead.”

And Chanyeol finds herself breathing into Kyungsoo’s hair, her shoulder feeling slightly heavier than seconds before. She cannot believe it. Kyungsoo’s resting his head on her shoulder. On his accord. Without waiting for her okay. Oh. My. God.

But she needs to start talking to cover up her obvious case of almost-going-into-hyperventilation as well as the fact that her heart’s about to rip itself out of her ribcage and tear into Kyungsoo’s chest to find her counterpart and live happily ever–

“I forgot that you must be tired, or exhausted even.” Chanyeol swiftly turns her head to face forward, and begins to babble, hoping that she can remain coherent long enough to not betray the mess of emotions within her. She wills herself to breathe like a normal person and clasps her hands together so as to prevent them from slipping between someone else’s hands and cause unnecessary trouble. Chanyeol’s entire being is enough trouble to take care of thank you very much.

If Kyungsoo has noticed any of his friend’s weird behaviour, he doesn’t mention them. Chanyeol just hears a soft hum of agreement and Kyungsoo goes still. And Chanyeol would have thought that he’d drifted off to sleep if not for his abrupt apology breaking the silence minutes later.

“I’m sorry, Yeol, for everything.”

She hears the sincerity of his apology above everything else, and can’t help but smile at that. Playfully lifting and dropping her shoulder, causing Kyungsoo’s head to bounce, Chanyeol chirps, “I forgive you.” Even though there’s actually nothing to forgive in the first place.

A hum of agreement and minutes later, Kyungsoo does drift off to sleep, his soft snores music to Chanyeol’s ears.

---

“Engineer Park.”

“... Yes?”

“I have a favour to ask of you.”

---

Chanyeol sees where he’s seated at the table even before he sees her, and she happily bounces over, plonking her tray right in front of his. She shoves herself onto the bench, ignoring the eye rolls and complaints (from Yifan and Jongdae whom she’s unceremoniously pushed aside) of hey what the hell Chanyeol mind the broken arm would you and greetings from around the table to announce gleefully, “I can’t believe that they’re serving hotteok again!”

“And I can’t believe that you’ve only taken three.”

The table erupts into laughter, with Sehun and Baekhyun competing for the title of the loudest (adding on to the never ending list of embarrassing things their co-pilots could very much do without). Yifan gives Jongin a sympathetic smile as he pats a sighing Yixing on the back with his good hand, the action immediately attracting the attention of Baekhyun who makes a move to smack the offending hand away. The table starts laughing again, Chanyeol leading the pack this time. Yixing looks as though he wants to bury himself beneath the Shatterdome and never come out.

“I only took three because there were none left,” Chanyeol stops laughing, upper lip curling as she retorts. “Your statement greatly offends me.”

“As you should be.”

“Tsk,” Chanyeol slides her lips into a pout. “You’re mean, Soo.”

Across the table, Kyungsoo chuckles, much to the surprise of everyone else at the table who have stopped talking amongst themselves to focus on the exchange between the pilot and his engineer-in-charge. Their interactions always have been interesting, with everyone identifying their pointedly obvious feelings hidden behind words that beat around numerous bushes, and it’s even more apparent after they’ve made up a couple of weeks ago. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol are being likened to pilots sparring on the mat in the Kwoon Room, going in circles, neither making a move unless the other does.

(“But does Chanyeol still possess that stamina and flexibility she once had back in the Academy? Wouldn’t want Kyungsoo to break her bones, y’know what I mean.”

And Jongin wants to join Yixing in his space beneath the Shatterdome if the Chinese doesn’t mind because ugh Oh Sehun.)

“If I’m really that mean,” Kyungsoo picks up the only piece of hotteok off his tray. “I wouldn’t be giving this to you.” And he places it atop of the three that Chanyeol has stacked on her tray. Kyungsoo gives her an awfully innocent smile. “Am I still mean to you, Yeol?”

The feeling of deja vu washes over Chanyeol, and the corners of her lips twitch as she remembers the similar incident. She suppresses the urge to smile to herself as her eyes dart over to the hotteok that’s still between Kyungsoo’s chopsticks. If her memory serves her well, Chanyeol knows just what to do.

“Of course not,” She quickly shakes her head and slaps on an awfully innocent smile of her own. In her peripheral vision, she sees expressions of various levels of disgust form on her friends’ faces and suddenly feels genuinely embarrassed. But for the sake of another hotteok (and it’s from Soo!), Chanyeol blocks out Jongdae’s exaggerated eye roll and presses on. “Do Kyungsoo is the nicest Ranger in Nagasaki.” She then lowers down to a staged whisper which has Kyungsoo cocking his brows and leaning forward to hear. The rest of them follow suit, heads simultaneously shifting in Chanyeol’s direction.

“He’s even nicer than Zhang Yixing, if you must know.”

The table goes silent, but a second later comes Baekhyun’s roar of PARK CHANYEOL YOU ASS WHAT DID YOU SAY as he slams his hand onto the table, effectively attracting the attention of everyone in the mess hall (which is a lot of people because it’s dinner time). And amidst trying to avoid Baekhyun’s wild punches and kicks while the others, mostly Yixing, attempt to calm him down, Chanyeol manages to catch the exact moment Kyungsoo releases the hotteok from his chopsticks, with the corners of his lips twitching, a small smile forming before blossoming into an opened heart.

Chanyeol’s heart blooms.

(A while later, when Chanyeol sees that Kyungsoo’s down to his last mouth of soondae-guk, she slides a half-bitten hotteok onto his tray. She doesn’t need to look at Kyungsoo’s face to know that he’s smiling.

Likewise, she doesn’t need to look at the others to know that they’re gagging. Ugh, jerks.)

---

It is the norm for Shatterdomes to have at least two Jaegers in their hangars, ready for deployment whenever Kaijus appear in their waters. And along with those Jaegers are pilots who have been rigorously trained in various academies scattered around the world, who are more than capable of controlling the robots with their minds, and more than willing to sacrifice themselves for the millions of lives in the cities that they protect.

Nagasaki Shatterdome is no exception. It has three powerful Jaegers of various capabilities, and six skilled pilots with a number of impressive stats attached to their names. The fact that four of the pilots are in relationships help to secure the success and stability of the neural bridges connecting their minds, and even if the other two aren’t in a relationship, the depth of their friendship is not to be underestimated as well.

But Chanyeol has never once thought that Nagasaki Shatterdome would run out of Jaegers to deploy.

She was arranging Kyungsoo’s drivesuit in the Drivesuit Room, after having removed Yifan’s and safely stowed it in one of the lockers, eyes fondly noticing how short it is as compared to her own lanky figure, hands attempting to straighten out creases when the siren blares.

Chanyeol’s blood runs cold.

“Shit,” She curses aloud, gently closing the plastic door of Kyungsoo’s suit locker before leaping into a mad dash towards LOCCENT. “Shit, shit, shit! This can’t be happening.” Her boots pound the concrete floor, the thump thump thump overwhelmed by the deafening roar of confused and scared colleagues who seem to have abandoned their work to converge together in front of the large screen in the Jaeger hangar. As she bypasses under, Chanyeol briefly looks up at the War Clock. It’s only been twenty-one minutes. Why is the siren blaring again?

Along the way she bumps into Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol doesn’t need to take a good long look at his face to know that his expression is a mirror of her own. It’s never happened before, so why is it happening now? They continue sprinting, rounding into the corridor that holds the entrance to LOCCENT and when inside, Chanyeol doesn’t even need to ask anyone to know the whereabouts of Lys Halo’s pilots because there’s only one place they could be at now.

“Neural Handshake complete,” A J-Tech officer announces, sending a nod to the Marshall who embarks on giving both pilots the information they need. “It’s a Category II, and I’ll think of its codename when I see its visual. For now, the two of you kill it before it reaches Jeju. When Ventus Shadow finishes their Shanghai Kaiju, I’ll get them to head on over to help.”

Baekhyun’s snort comes through the communication, and Chanyeol resists the urge to smile. “Psh, as if we’ll take longer than them to finish off our Category II. They even have twenty minutes’ headstart!”

At the mention of the time, the atmosphere in LOCCENT instantly darkens. It has never happened before, this short time difference between the appearances of Kaijus. Normally it’d be days, or weeks on end before another one of those vile creatures breaches their waters and threatens their cities. Minutes? This is a fucking first.

But Nagasaki is ready for it. Having sent out Jongin and Sehun after that Category II who had set its sight on Shanghai, it still has Yixing and Baekhyun as backup, only to deploy them as well when another Kaiju ascended from beneath the waves and began to make its way to Jeju.

Two Kaijus in less than thirty minutes. Chanyeol doesn’t know what to think about this frightening development.

“Ready for take-off.” And Lys Halo departs from base. It takes about two minutes for the off-white coloured Jaeger to reach its intended destination, and through the many screens of visuals captured by the drones that have been sent out, Chanyeol sees Lys Halo dropping directly onto the Category II, as though intending to crush the Kaiju with its weight. A pained shriek comes from the creature as it disappears under the water, with the Jaeger leaping off and landing a short distance away.

Under the afternoon sun, Ventus Shadow and Lys Halo calmly battle their opponents. Except for the occasional grunts and movement orders from all four pilots that LOCCENT is still in contact with, all Chanyeol hears are the ear-piercing shrieks of the Kaijus and heartstopping screeches of claws against metal.

“Hey,” Baekhyun suddenly calls out and simultaneously all heads in LOCCENT snap to his screen; he’s still in motion, limbs moving all at once, and if Chanyeol hasn’t witnessed how pilots are in their Conn-Pods in actual fights, the way Yixing and Baekhyun’s (or Jongin and Sehun’s) movements are so in sync would cause her goosebumps to rise. “Let me name this guy.”

Of course, where’s the fun in being a Jaeger pilot when one doesn’t comment about the Kaiju he’s fighting?

Marshall Joonmyeon quietly sighs, but gives Baekhyun the go-ahead anyway. “Sure, what’s your thought then, Baekhyun?”

“Buta.” is Baekhyun’s reply and Chanyeol hears Yixing’s groan while the officers in LOCCENT begin to snigger. Chanyeol glances sideways at Kyungsoo, not surprised to see that he isn’t laughing along with the others. She suppresses her own laughter, even as the younger pilot gives his reason. “It looks like a fucking pig, don’t you think?”

Marshall Joonmyeon cracks a smile, though seemingly forced, but agrees to the pilot’s suggestion. And as Lys Halo continues to pummel Buta, Chanyeol shifts her eyes to the screens depicting Ventus Shadow’s battle and Kyungsoo follows, large eyes resting on supposedly the same screen. His brows furrow.

“They’re taking too long. It’s unlike them.” Kyungsoo murmurs, hands coming up to fold across his chest. “I hope that they’re not playing with the Kaiju, because that’d be the stupidest thing pilots can do.”

His words are barely audible, but Chanyeol hears them from her spot beside him. And it seems that the Marshall has heard Kyungsoo too for he engages the communications to Ventus Shadow and barks at them to stop fucking with the Kaiju!

“Hebi is going to slip through your fingers if you continue to tease it,” Marshall Joonmyeon warns, and his tone tells Chanyeol that he’s had enough. Jongin and Sehun had better kill it before the Marshall blows his top right here in LOCCENT. It’s not going to be pretty. “You have ten minutes to get rid of it.”

The sound of Sehun blowing a loud raspberry comes through. “Fine, we’ll stop making fun of this snake.” And he goes through with his promise by grabbing onto the Category II’s neck, throwing it easily over his Jaeger’s head. Chanyeol sees the move on the screen, and it looks like Ventus Shadow just threw a ragdoll. The Kaiju hits the water and its screech of pain is music to everyone’s ears.

The next sound, however, is not.

The sudden beeping coming from one of the equipment in LOCCENT shocks everyone, with the room instantly lapsing into an eerie silence. The Marshall calls for the officer-in-charge to report and Chanyeol snaps her gaze in the officer’s direction. The man is still staring at the screen but a flashing light that keeps bathing his profile in red strikes fear in Chanyeol. Red flashing light. That can only mean one thing.

“A Category II just breached our waters, Marshall,” The officer calmly says, but his tone betrays the panic he’s feeling.

“It’s headed for Jeju.”

---

There’s only one thing on Chanyeol’s mind as she runs the fastest she had ever ran towards Satan Heart’s Drivesuit Room. And it’s this one thing that will remind her to not digress from what she’s sought out to do, to accomplish before Kyungsoo decides to take Satan Heart out on his own.

“Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol bursts through the door, hands clutching at her abdomen as she pants hard, mouth unattractively wide open in an attempt to re-regulate her breathing. Beads of perspiration slide down the sides of her face, with one of her eyes scrunching shut when a salty droplet gets inside. Her lungs are on fire, she can’t feel her legs, and her mind is blank save for that one thing.

“Don’t try to talk me out of this,” Kyungsoo says as he pulls up his drivesuit, hands hastily shoving his boxers into the skin tight apparel, not in the least caring that he’s slightly more than half-naked in front of his best friend who’s very much female. Said best friend cares though, quite a lot, as she squeaks, hands flying up to cover her eyes. Kyungsoo doesn’t lift his head up at the loud sound, his attention solely focused on the preparation of getting himself into the Conn-Pod. “I’m going out there whether you like it or not.”

He’s zipping up his drivesuit when Chanyeol decides to remove her hands from her face, eyes gingerly opening before blinking several times to adjust to the surroundings. She sees Kyungsoo fully dressed, throwing his clothes into his opened locker before slamming it shut, and he grabs his helmet, shoving it under an arm. He moves towards the door leading to Satan Heart’s Conn-Pod swiftly, only to pause at the entrance as though he’d suddenly thought of something.

“Aren’t… you going to stop me?”

Chanyeol, who’s still squatting, immediately catches the drift. The uncertainty in Kyungsoo’s voice seems to be telling her that, despite his determination to bring his Jaeger out to help Lys Halo and that he’s not probably going to take in account other people’s objections, he might want to know what Chanyeol has to say about this really rash decision of his. Kyungsoo’s learnt his lesson; he’s trying to involve Chanyeol in his decision-making now.

The thing is, will Kyungsoo’s decision change after listening to her? Are Chanyeol’s words strong and persuasive enough to make him change his mind? Will Kyungsoo even consider my opinion at all?

Well, she won’t know until she tries.

“I am. I am going to stop you, but not for the reason you might be thinking of,” Chanyeol stands up, but the sudden drastic change in height causes blood to rush to her head and her eyes to see spots rapidly dotting her vision. Unable to help it, her hands rush to clutch at her head, thumbs rubbing circles on her temples to ease the slight pain but she doesn’t stop talking. “I’m stopping you here, Soo, because you are attempting suicide by piloting Satan Heart on your own.” Chanyeol inhales.

“But I am not stopping you from going out there.”

The once-in-a-million-years acrobatic act that Kyungsoo does (which is just a super quick spin) the moment she finishes speaking would have made Chanyeol laugh out loud if not for the serious atmosphere that has descended upon them. Kyungsoo’s large eyes, blown wide and bugged out, and rarely slacked jaw aren’t helping Chanyeol but she’s trying her best to not burst out into laughter. Mocking Kyungsoo probably wouldn’t help her case very much. And she can’t have that.

She has to let him know of her one thing and make him believe that it’s the right thing to do.

“What…? Did I hear you correctly?” Kyungsoo questions, his expression showing genuine disbelief at Chanyeol’s words. “You are not going to stop me from saving Yixing and Baekhyun?”

Chanyeol nods. “I’m not, because that is the logical thing to do. Putting aside the fact that they’re our friends and practically almost family and we’d rather die trying to save them than not try to save them at all, it also wouldn’t make sense to not go out there when Satan Heart is more than capable to take down the two Kaijus alongside Lys Halo.”

Kyungsoo looks at Chanyeol, his mind registering the logic behind the engineer’s words and he slowly nods his head in agreement. But a wave of uneasiness washes over him as her words sink in and he quickly realises that something’s not right. Chanyeol knows that piloting a Jaeger alone amounts to suicide, yet she’s letting him go out there without a fight. Something’s definitely wrong. Definitely.

It hits him when he backpedals to what Chanyeol was saying before. His blood runs cold.

“No.”

Huh?

“You are not going out there with me.”

Fuck.

Chanyeol can’t stop the blood from draining out of her face. That involuntary action, caused by Kyungsoo having correctly guessed her one thing, is the same as Chanyeol’s inability to stop him from stomping up to her, after placing his helmet at the door, and shoving his livid face at her own. From the intense heat that she feels bearing heavily down on her even though Kyungsoo’s half a head shorter (even with his Drivesuit boots on), she knows how vehement his objection is.

But she’s not one to give up. Not when she’s the only one standing between her last remaining best friend and the door to his death. And especially not when she’s the only one with the capability to save her friends as well as prevent Kyungsoo from committing the one thing all pilots have been told to never do.

(She wills herself to not venture into other reasons of not giving up, such as, y’know, feelings that go beyond the line of friendship.)

Despite being the sole recipient of Kyungsoo’s ever impressive wrath, that always never fails to send the other pilots scurrying away with their tails between their legs, Chanyeol only cowers a little, but musters enough courage to shake her head before staring straight into his eyes.

“No, I am going with you.”

Chanyeol’s tone is firm and strong, and she hopes that Kyungsoo can see how resolute she is in wanting to be his co-pilot for this mission. She honestly doesn’t mind stepping aside once Yifan has recovered and is well enough to be deployed with Kyungsoo after this. She doesn’t mind going back to being an engineer-in-charge after this if she’s able to be next to Kyungsoo in Satan Heart for a single drop. Chanyeol doesn’t mind if she never gets to co-pilot again after this.

“Just this once. Just this one time.”

And Chanyeol brings out the big guns that has earned her a couple of hotteoks as well as Kyungsoo’s bright and beautiful heart-shaped smiles, certain that Kyungsoo will succumb and agree to take her along for the ride. But, his furious expression doesn’t waver nor crumble. Chanyeol’s pout and puppy eyes aren’t working. Shit. This calls for a change of tactic.

“Fine,” Chanyeol drops her adorable facade, and a scowl immediately replaces it. “Then tell me the reason that you’re not allowing me to go out there with you.”

If Kyungsoo’s taken aback by the split-second change, his expression, still mad and irate, doesn’t betray him. The only feature on his face that changes is his mouth, lips that were tightly pressed into a thin line parting for him to say “Why don’t you tell me the reason I should allow you to be out there with me?” instead.

The weird way Kyungsoo’s thick brows wriggle, seemingly unconsciously, as he rebuts distracts Chanyeol for a moment, causing her scowl to neutralise. She catches herself quickly, though, and immediately forces her lips to downturn. The cogs in her brain are turning, working as fast they can to produce a sure-win speech of reasons that will appease Ranger Do. Chanyeol might have her one thing, but she sure as hell don’t have a good elaboration of it. Chanyeol is all about bullet points, not paragraphs.

But she attempts to deliver anyway because anything is better than nothing.

“Joonmyeon hasn’t told you this but... I’ve been appointed backup pilot for Satan Heart ever since Yifan sustained that arm injury. He ran the proposal past the relevant officials and it was approved,” Chanyeol slowly says even though she knows painfully well how they do not have the luxury of time, especially right now when every second, every minute contributes to either saving Lys Halo or dying together with it. But Chanyeol reckons that Kyungsoo would need the time to absorb and digest the information she’s bombarding him with. The pilot’s never one for last minute cramming, even in the Academy or in schools before that, because he could never register nor remember anything he’s studied hastily.

It’s probably the same even now, so Chanyeol mentally apologises to both Baekhyun and Yixing and sincerely prays to the gods above to just keep them safe for a couple of minutes more while she deals with this. And hopefully at the end of it, Chanyeol achieves her goal.

But of course, the world — or specifically Do Kyungsoo — likes to fuck with Chanyeol. “What. What the fuck the Mar– fucking Joonmyeon he–” Kyungsoo’s infuriated expression contorts into a murderous one. “No,” He hisses. “I don’t care if the fucking presidents of the world have approved of it. Because my approval is the biggest of all and my answer is still a huge fucking no.”

His answer has been expected by Chanyeol. So she ignores it and continues reasoning with him. “Joonmyeon sought the opinions of the other pilots and Satan Heart’s maintenance crew and they’re all for–”

“Like I said, I don’t fucking care–”

“Yifan was the one who suggested it to Joonmyeon.” Chanyeol blurts out. “He was the one who wanted me to temporarily replace him while he recovers.”

Chanyeol leans back a little, so as to enable her eyes to fully take in Kyungsoo’s myriad of expression changes, from rage to disappointment to confusion before settling on a blank one where his eyes are slowly drifting out of focus. He’s gone quiet and Chanyeol no longer feels the killing intent bursting out of his small body. Good.

“I’ve been training in the Kwoon Room and working on my physique in the gym. I run simulations everyday after maintenance for Satan Heart is done and,” Chanyeol couldn’t help but snicker at what she’s about to say next. “I schedule daily appointments with the other pilots to ask them about being in a Jaeger, being in a drift with their co-pilot, how to not chase the rabbit and so on. Yifan also gives me helpful tips and pointers about being your co-pilot whenever he drops by during my training.”

She stops for a moment, to breathe as well as to let Kyungsoo absorb. His expression is still blank, but Chanyeol decides to push on.

“So I’m ready. I know I am and even if you think I’m not I don’t give a damn because I’m confident of my own abilities and I swear I’ll never, or try not to, fuck anything up inside the Conn-Pod so would you please let me be your co-pilot for this drop, just this drop, now?”

And Chanyeol’s speech is done. It’s obviously unpolished and more of rambling whatever comes to her mind since she’s not reading it off a pre-written flashcard. But Chanyeol hopes that Kyungsoo gets it. That she really, really, REALLY wants to accompany him for this.

Kyungsoo’s eyes are clouded but at Chanyeol’s sudden realisation that he’s still unresponsive resulting in her worried call of Soo?, he comes back to reality and snaps his unclouding eyes to Chanyeol’s. Her sigh of relief is automatic.

But so is his answer.

“No, Chanyeol.”

Although Chanyeol thinks she’s gradually getting used to, or has brainwashed herself, to hearing a bunch of no-s coming out of Kyungsoo’s mouth, she still has a limit for this. Unfortunately, the quota’s been reached and the rope of patience in Chanyeol, which she has thickened immensely for this situation, finally snaps.

“STOP.”

And Chanyeol explodes.

“STOP SAYING NO AND STOP BEING FUCKING STUBBORN DO KYUNGSOO! WOULD YOU DIE IF YOU SAID YES?! WOULD IT KILL YOU TO AGREE?! WOULD IT?!”

Kyungsoo’s not unscathed by Chanyeol’s explosion and if anything, the wounds are only causing him to rise up to the unsaid screamo challenge that’s about to take place in Satan Heart’s Drivesuit Room. Let the competition begin.

“It would,” Kyungsoo starts off small. Then he explodes, too. “IT WOULD PARK CHANYEOL! IT WILL KILL ME. IT WILL FUCKING KILL ME ON THE INSIDE!”

“AND WHY WOULD IT KILL YOU HUH!? AND IT WOULD KILL YOU ON THE INSIDE? WHAT THE FUCK IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE–”

“BECAUSE IT WILL HURT! BECAUSE IF I AGREE IT WILL–”

“AND WHAT WILL HURT? YOUR STOMACH? YOUR FUCKING KIDNEY? YOUR INSANELY SMALL OH-IT’S-BEEN-THREE-HOURS-I-NEED-TO-PEE BLADDER? WHAT WILL BE HURTING DO KYUNG–”

“MY FUCKING HEART!”

“–SOO– WHA–” Chanyeol suddenly stops, but her shoulders are still rising and falling due to the insane match she just competed in and oxygen isn’t something she has a lot in her right now. So it’s no wonder she has to drop to a confused whisper, “... What?”

Standing in front of her is a worked-up best friend whose shoulders and chest are also rising and falling rapidly as the lungs within the small body tries to take in more oxygen that will enable a voice to speak the words churned out by an intelligent mind.

“My heart, Yeol. My heart will–” The voice cracks. “–hurt.”

The Kyungsoo that stands in front of her reminds Chanyeol of the Kyungsoo from almost six years ago. Who had stood in front of the makeshift altar set up by Satan Heart’s maintenance crew an hour after Nagasaki learnt of Seungsoo’s death. Who had dropped to the mat on the floor, folding his body that was still clad in his Drivesuit, before placing his head atop of stacked hands in a last gesture of respect. Who had, when he stood up, tears that should have been shed the moment he arrived at the Shatterdome finally started to flow. Who shook vehemently, small body wracked with the grief of losing his brother together with another bout of anguish that had finally decided to show up after eluding him all those years ago when his parents died.

Who had caused Chanyeol’s heart to wrench so fucking hard, that it became fragile, that it shattered into pieces she had to pick up each time she caught Kyungsoo crying to himself with Seungsoo’s photograph clutched tightly to his chest.

And this time is no exception.

If Kyungsoo says that his heart is going to hurt, then Chanyeol wants to tell him that hers is fucking hurting now. The sight of him looking eerily similar to the other him all those years ago is breaking Chanyeol’s stupid fragile heart. All those manning-up she thought she had developed after working in this predominantly-male environment for years doesn’t seem to exist at all. If anything, she thinks she’s only gotten more emotional as the years went by.

Which is why Chanyeol feels the strong innate urge in her to apologise. The apology is already on the tip of Chanyeol’s tongue. But she doesn’t get to say it because–

“The reason my heart will hurt is because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to protect you out there.”

Kyungsoo’s whisper is barely audible. His reddened eyes pierce into Chanyeol’s, as though he wants to enchant her, cast a spell on her to make her listen to him. Kyungsoo doesn’t need to, though, but he doesn’t know that Chanyeol’s been entranced by him for a long time now.

“If you go out there with me, you’ll be strapped to the machinery in that Conn-Pod, in that metal grave attached to the shoulders of a massive robot that will be engaged in a deathmatch with a creature that’s similar to its size or even larger if we’re unlucky,” Kyungsoo’s eyes are still trained on Chanyeol’s. “And most of the time, we are.”

“Even so–”

“At least if you’re not out there with me, you’re here,” Kyungsoo doesn’t let Chanyeol interrupt him. He forges on. “You’ll be in LOCCENT, located inside the Shatterdome, which in turn is at the edge of a city that’s far away from the Kaiju. You’ll be far away from its claws, from its attacks, from whatever it has in its grotesque body. You’ll also be far away from–” Kyungsoo suddenly stops, eyes widening and brightening up just as quickly as they darken a second later. Chanyeol thinks Kyungsoo’s realised something, something that she doesn’t want to hear.

And she’s right.

“You’ll also be far away from me.”

“... What?”

“From me,” Kyungsoo answers. “From me who can’t guarantee your safety while we’re out there as I juggle trying to protect myself, Satan Heart, Lys Halo, as well as that city whose safety is more important than anyone else’s. But the thing is… the problem is will I be able to think of the tens of thousands of lives on Jeju as the most important people I want to protect out there? That I need to protect with everything I have?”

The uncertainty in Kyungsoo’s wavering voice alerts Chanyeol to the fact that maybe Kyungsoo doesn’t know what he’s talking about (frankly Chanyeol doesn’t know what he’s talking about too), and that he most probably is like Chanyeol — mind stuffed with bullet points and no essays — if his gradual incoherence is an indication. Though, his sniffling might have contributed to that.

“Because if you go out there with me, Chanyeol–” And an unknown bout of heat spreads within her body as Kyungsoo seems to stare even harder at Chanyeol, as though he wants to imprint his image in her eyes.

“–you’ll be the most important person I want to protect instead. And the horrifying truth is that I won’t hesitate to sacrifice others to do so.”

That last sentence throws Chanyeol off, makes her veer off so wildly from the track that she’s been chasing Kyungsoo on that she can only gape at him, disbelief flooding her because … what…? What on earth is Kyungsoo saying? Did he just imply that he will let others die if it meant saving Chanyeol? Is he really going to let go of Jeju if Chanyeol goes out with him?

Is Kyungsoo… using me as a liability to him in order to stop myself from going out there with him?

Chanyeol stares straight back at Kyungsoo, bright eyes frantically searching for the truth within the depths of the inky abysses in Kyungsoo’s eyes. The search comes up empty but Chanyeol’s mind has been busy, busy pondering about her one thing after hearing Kyungsoo and his supposed blackmail if Chanyeol wants to call it that way. Is she going to give up on persuading Kyungsoo? Can she abandon her one thing?

Can I let Kyungsoo go out there on his own?

There actually are logical solutions to the current situation if Chanyeol doesn’t be Kyungsoo’s co-pilot. One, would be to enlist the help of other Jaegers in nearby domes, probably Hong Kong, but it would take too long; Jeju would be gone by then. Two, would be to force Marshall Joonmyeon into the Conn-Pod next to Kyungsoo, but it wouldn’t be wise because they’re not in the least compatible and Joonmyeon wasn’t a pilot to begin with (he was an engineer). Three, would be to just fucking deploy the injured Yifan. Or four, someone make Kyungsoo understand that Chanyeol is not going to die under his watch and that she is only person up for the job right now and we are really running out of time so DO KYUNGSOO JUST LET ME BE YOUR CO-PILOT ALREADY.

Chanyeol picks Solution Number Four because fuck, fuck it all I’m going to be selfish. There’s probably a higher chance of saving Jeju than causing its destruction anyway. So yeah, Chanyeol isn’t giving up, isn’t abandoning her original plan, isn’t going to ever let Kyungsoo pilot a fucking Jaeger alone. It’s impossible to anyway (so Chanyeol doesn’t know why Kyungsoo’s even trying).

“I don’t care,” Chanyeol says, shrugging her shoulders and quirking her mouth to one side to show that she really doesn’t care. That the lives of the people that Kyungsoo’s supposedly going to sacrifice don’t weigh on her conscience. “I’m selfish by nature, so I’m still standing by my decision and that is to be your co-pilot.”

The sight of Chanyeol acting so indifferent stirs Kyungsoo’s settling anger. He tears his eyes away from Chanyeol for a few moments, shutting them as he inhales deeply to keep his anger at bay. It works, until he looks up and meets with Chanyeol’s blinking, seemingly innocent eyes and the apathy swimming in them pushes the lid off Kyungsoo’s simmering cauldron of rage.

“Why,” He attempts to keep himself in check by saying instead of yelling. “Why are you still so adamant about wanting to be my co-pilot even after all that I’ve said to you?”

“There’s no why, Kyungsoo, it’s just that I want to, that’s all.”

“Because you just want to,” Kyungsoo deadpans, eyes watching Chanyeol nod. “Because you just want to?”

And Kyungsoo explodes for the second time.

“MY GOD YOU’RE A CHILD, A FUCKING CHILD WHO CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING, WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY.”

Chanyeol genuinely looks confused. “Aren’t you still just saying no, just that in a seriously way more roundabout manner–”

“UGH PARK CHANYEOL WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND–”

“Understand what? I’m getting really confu–”

“WHY DON’T YOU GET THAT I CAN’T LOSE YOU!”

Kyungsoo’s scream reverberates around the room and his scream is so sudden, so loud, it genuinely frightened Chanyeol. She can’t stop herself from trembling and she doesn’t know that she’s crying until a familiar warmth emanating from a familiar pair of hands come up to her face and thumbs away the tracks of tears. No wonder her vision is blurry, causing her to imagine the rare sight of Kyungsoo crying too.

“Why… d-don’t you–” Kyungsoo inhales loudly through his nose and, oh, Kyungsoo is crying. “–understand t-that I can’t… lose you.” Chanyeol tries to stop crying but her tear glands are not cooperating. Her vision begins to sharpen when Kyungsoo quickens his wiping of tears away from Chanyeol’s eyes, but the sight of Kyungsoo gazing so affectionately at her only causes her to erupt into another phase of wailing because why are your beautiful eyes looking so lovingly at me wails don’t do this to meeeee.

“Stop crying…” Kyungsoo hiccups, cracking a smile at the expense of Chanyeol’s ugly crying face. “Why are you crying at something like this instead of when I kept rejecting you.”

“Are you... still going to say no?”

Kyungsoo hesitates, then gingerly nods. “I… can’t lose you, Yeol,” His thumbs are still pushing away the never ending tears welling in Chanyeol’s equally beautiful eyes. “I can’t.”

“Y-You won’t lose–”

“Father and mother were lost to a Kaiju. Seungsoo was lost to a Kaiju too,” Kyungsoo says, hands still cupping the sides of Chanyeol’s face, thumbs gently resting on the apples of her cheeks. There are no more tears to wipe away. “Everyone that I’ve loved were taken away from me by Kaiju.”

“But that doesn’t mean that–”

“You’re the only one left, Chanyeol,” The darkness in Kyungsoo’s obsidian eyes is overwhelming. Chanyeol doesn’t know where the pretty twinkles in his eyes have disappeared to and how she can get them back. “And I am not going to lose you to a Kaiju, so I am not bringing you out there. I can’t lose you, do you understand me?” The fingers curled gently on Chanyeol’s face tighten their grip slightly. “I can’t lose you.”

Time is ticking away, but it hasn’t been weighing much in Chanyeol’s mind for a while now. The thought of saving Baekhyun and Yixing is still there, but when it’s pitted against Kyungsoo’s sudden outburst, the bullet point is unceremoniously pushed aside. So it’s no wonder that Chanyeol doesn’t care anymore how long she’s going to take to persuade Kyungsoo to take her out there with him as long as she ends up strapping herself into the position next to him in the Conn-Pod when this stupid push-and-pull is over. Yeah, all this is so stupid. Do Kyungsoo included.

“So you think it’s alright for me to lose you instead?” Chanyeol snaps back, urging her pitch to go higher and higher as she tries to inject mock incredulity in it. “So it’s fine for me to lose you when it’s not okay for you to lose me? How selfish of you, Do Kyungsoo, how fucking selfish!”

“Chanyeol–”

“I lost mum and dad and Yura to that same damned Kaiju that took your parents away. Then another Kaiju snatched Seungsoo, and no–” Chanyeol holds up a hand when she sees Kyungsoo about to interrupt. “–you don’t get to tell me how Seungsoo doesn’t mean much to me because you don’t know exactly how much I love him and frankly, I love him just as much as I love my family.”

Kyungsoo’s lips part again but Chanyeol stops him, by pinching those full lips shut with her fingers. “I’m not done yet, so shut up and listen,” She glares at Kyungsoo, daring him to disobey her but he doesn’t. Her eyes soften soon after, and she continues. “For you I’m the only one left, and for me you’re the only one left which means that I can’t lose you.” She murmurs brokenly, “I can’t lose you too, Soo, I can’t.”

Chanyeol attempts to smile, but it’s a wistful one. “So if you’re going out there to die saving Baekhyun and Yixing and Jeju, then I’m going out there to die saving Baekhyun and Yixing and Jeju with you. If we die, we die together, as morbid as it sounds.” She licks her lips, “Is this okay, Soo?”

“N–” Kyungsoo stops himself, then sighs. “Yeah, it’s okay.”

A spark of ember lights in Kyungsoo’s eyes and Chanyeol’s wistful smile turns hopeful.

---

“Yeol?”

“Hmm?”

“I… I love you.”

“...”

“A-Aren’t you going to say anything…?”

“Ah! Um… thank you?”

“... I just– I just fucking told you that I love you and all I get in return is a thank you!? I’m taking back my confession.”

“W-What was I supposed to say! You just sprung it on me and said the three words that I never thought you would ever say to me so you can’t blame me for not giving you whatever proper response you wanted. It’s not fair to me, Soo, you’re not being fair to me.”

“Bah, fine…”

“...”

“...”

“Um, Soo, if you don’t mind me asking… When did you realised that you lo-love me?”

“...”

“I-It’s fine if you d-don’t want to say! I’m just curious–”

“I... don’t know the exact year, month, day, hour, or second when I realised that my feelings for you have grown beyond friendship and, honestly, finding out when it began isn’t important. What’s important, to me, is that this attraction towards you, albeit ridiculous–”

“Hey!”

“–this emotion that I’ve never felt for another besides my family, and the strong urge to keep you by my side will never fade. As long as you’re alive, I think… I’ll always be drawn to you, I’ll always want to find you, just like in our childhood; no matter how much we thought we hated each other, we still ended up playing together the next day anyway. So I suppose this feeling blossomed through the years we’ve been together, initially rooting itself in me since we reluctantly became friends, growing as we go through similar experiences and hardships, gradually blooming when parts of ourselves we’ve never seen in each other start to surface and we might realise that we don’t mind these new facets of us.

“Now that I’m thinking about it, it seems that there wasn’t a particular thing that you did or a specific point about you that made me develop feelings for you. It’s the fact that you’re… you, that you’re Park Chanyeol, the girl I grew up with. You’ve become an integral part of my life that sometimes I find myself wondering where would I be and what would I do if you weren’t by my side anymore and, to be really honest, I felt scared which is why I didn’t choose you to be my co-pilot back then and I’m sorry that I’m selfish but I was so afraid of losing you.

“Choosing another co-pilot hurt me a lot because partly I was still hung up about Seungsoo-hyung’s death while the other part was that I couldn’t choose you, that I told myself that I shouldn’t choose you because I can’t have you dying on me like hyung did. It was never because of your gender; I could care less about gender dynamics when I know fully well how capable you are both in and out of a Jaeger and that sucked because that meant that you’re the perfect choice to replace Seungsoo-hyung and I think he’d like you to but I can’t speak for my dead brother, so.

“Quarreling with you and giving you the cold shoulder hurt me too, I must admit. Being a Jaeger pilot is already stressful enough, and if you couple it with a stupid fight with your best friend the stress levels are off the charts. During those days there is nothing I want more than to apologise to you, be back on talking terms with you, say yes to your bonding sessions and drink sake with you, laugh at your corny jokes–”

“Oi!”

“–with you, chat about the good old days with you, or about Satan Heart if you want to bring in work issues. All I wanted was to escape this harsh reality with you. But I just had to fuck up and cause misery to us. I’m so, so sorry, Chanyeol.”

“Well, you’ve already apologised before so stop saying sorry for things that I’ve already forgiven you for.”

“... Okay.”

“Buttttt since we’re at this topic, do you want to know when I realised I love you, Soo?”

“... If you– I mean, yeah, sure, I’d like to know.”

“It’s probably dumb but I liked you the moment you decided to peep over the fence and watch us move in with those large owl eyes of yours.”

“... Yeol, we were only six years old back then.”

“Being children doesn’t mean we can’t like another person, Soo.”

“Oh o–”

“For the love of god, stop yakking already! We’re about to die from an overdose of sweetness from Kyungsoo’s confession because in case you two might have forgotten, Satan Heart’s communications are linked with LOCCENT’s.”

“... Fuck.”

“Language, Ranger Do.”

“... Sorry, Marsh– Stop giggling, Chanyeol! It’s not funny!”

“It is! And I can’t stop laughing because even though you’re wearing your helmet, I can still see clearly how red your face is and it’s so cute like a cherry tomato but with big eyes and heart-shaped lips! Aww Soo-Soo is so adorable!”

“Shut up, Park Chan–”

“How about the both of you shut up before I decide to not warn you when I’m going to drop you right into the arms of one of the two Kaijus Baekhyun and Yixing are still dealing with.”

“... Noted, Marshall.”

“Point taken, Joon– I mean, Marshall.”

“Good, because you should see Lys Halo as well as those two Category II-s in about ten seconds. Your mission is to fight alongside Lys Halo and ensure that those two Kaijus never reach Jeju. Also, I would like it if both Jaegers and their pilots come out of the fight unscathed. Do you understand, Ranger Do and Ranger Park?”

“Understood.”

“Roger that, Marshall!”

“I think I better accustom myself to hearing you over the communications instead of next to me here in LOCCENT because it’s really strange to have your voice wafting through the speakers, Ranger Park.”

“You should, because I think you’d be hearing my voice a lot more times after this, hahahah!”

“... Anyway, you’ve reached your destination. Remember the mission, and keep each other safe. If you need anything from us back at base, just scream. Good luck, Rangers.”

“... Yeol?”

“Yeah, Soo?”

“A-Are y–”

“C’mon, Soo, you’re supposed to be the senpai here! You can’t be feeling more nervous than I am!”

“...”

“Now, where’s my enthusiastic pep talk from my beloved co-pilot?”

“...”

“Oh my god, is this the time to be blushing, Do Kyungsoo?!”

“I’m not–”

“Pep talk!”

“–fine.”

“...”

“Are you ready, Ranger Park?”

“Of course, Ranger Do! Now let’s go kick some Kaiju butt!”

(“Soo?”

“Yeah, Yeol?”

“Next time, I’m doing the pep talk because you suck at it.”)