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The clock struck 2:14, most of the world was sound asleep.
Not Mavis though, she sat rigid on the kitchen counter, hair messy, dressed in simple grey joggers, and a white fitted shirt and a sweater that she couldn't let go.
Her eyes were puffy, a result of her unending tears.
Like clockwork, the skies outside started to pour.
“Timing naman.” she said, her gaze settling towards the window.
Each drop of rain reminded her of a particular person she was supposed to forget by now.
“She never liked the rain.” Mavis muttered underneath her breath.
Her mind replayed countless memories, no matter how many times she would reprimand herself, her mind was always stuck on the person she couldn’t erase so easily.
She sighed diverting her eyes back to the phone she held in her hands, her fingers moved automatically, opening a contact she should’ve blocked already. She really shouldn’t be doing this.
The screen flashed the last message she read. “I can’t do this anymore. I'm sorry Mav.” She reread it over and over again, as if it would turn into another good night, another I love you, but it didn't. So she sat there in silence, staring blankly at the screen, thumb hovering over the keyboard, debating whether or not to send a text.
She missed her. She really did.
“Bahala na.” she said as she typed a quick message.
She should really be in the process of moving on already, but every second without her felt like something was clawing at her chest constantly, leaving bleeding scars all over. Yet Mavis knows she would bleed forever if it meant getting her back.
Before she could press send, a knock on the door pulled her out of her spiral.
She stood up sighing. Who could be visiting this late—or this early in the morning? She grumbled underneath her breath.
“Sinong nandyan?” She called out as she opened the door.
She did not expect her to be here.
“Cali?”
Mavis froze. She’s here. Calixtro Vargas. The same girl who broke her heart almost 1 year ago.
“Mav…” Calixtro spoke quietly, hands opening and closing as if she didn't know where to put them.
Calixtro was soaked, her shirt clinging onto her skin, hair damp, drops of rain stuck onto the lens of her glasses as if she’d been running in the rain.
Mavis was still stunned—because Calixtro Vargas, the love of her life, was standing in front of her after the sudden break up? Or maybe it’s because she still looked so good even though she was soaked. She shouldn’t be thinking of this right now.
Mavis’s instincts kicked in, taking Calixtro by the hand and dragging her to the edge of the couch and pushing her lightly to sit her down, before disappearing down the hall to her bedroom.
Calixtro sat stunned. She could still feel it—the heat radiating from Mavis’s palms, the way she held her like she memorized her entire being. She missed it. Missed her. She felt the heat surge from her neck then slowly towards her face. Mavis still had that effect on her, even after being away for a year.
She snapped out of her daze when Mavis walked in holding a towel in one hand and her favorite snoopy printed sweater in the other.
She set the items in front of Calixtro and began rummaging through the small cupboard next to the tv.
Calixtro could only watch in awe, her eyes following Mavis’s every move.
She noticed everything—more than she was willing to admit. The way her eyebrows crinkle slightly when she can’t seem to find whatever she’s looking for, the way the soft light from the kitchen illuminated her features, everything.
Mavis finally got up and made her way to the kitchen, pill bottle in hand, picking up an ice cold plastic water bottle.
Calixtro was still staring—admiring how Mavis walked with purpose, with intention.
She was pulled out of her trance when Mavis kneeled slightly, patting down her wet hair with the towel. “Magkasakit ka.” She muttered softly as she started wiping down the moisture from Calixtro’s arms.
Calixtro’s gaze softens as she visits memories of their times together— every time Calixtro got home late drenched in the rain with Mavis reprimanding her for all the times she could— and did get sick. Yet Mavis still took care of her even if Calixtro denied any possibilities of sickness, her pride often flaring. Mavis was always patient with her— it was something Calixtro never moved on from.
Despite being an overly-independent person Calixtro enjoyed the little things Mavis would often do for her. Making sure she eats on time, reminding her to drink water at specific times, or removing her make up for her whenever she was too tired to do it herself when she got home from a long day at work— it left a mark on Calixtro, these simple things Mavis once did for her she slowly started to do for herself as well. It was like Mavis wormed her way into Calixtro’s entire being, leaving lasting marks in how Calixtro moved throughout the day.
Calixtro softly chuckles, eyes glinting with gratitude— She didn't expect this. This warmth, especially not from her. She thought she’d be furious, when she knocked on the door earlier she was half expecting Mavis to shut the door on her, because who wouldn't? Even she would slam the door on a person who broke up with her over text.
Yet this was the complete opposite, instead of screaming at her or ignoring her completely, Mavis was here, beside her wiping down her damp hair humming softly to Sugarfree’s Burnout while doing so.
After a few more minutes of patting down all the moisture from Calixtro’s now at ease figure, Mavis tossed her the printed sweater.
“Magpalit ka.” Mavis mumbles before moving towards the kitchen, checking her fridge for any signs of food she could cook up.
Instead of going to a vacant room like any normal person would do if their ex asks them to change— yes Calixtro only realizes now, she shrugged off her damp shirt without giving much thought to it, revealing her favorite nike sports bra and toned stomach— droplets of moisture clinging onto her skin.
So there she was, sitting basically half naked on her ex's couch while drying herself off with the towel Mavis gave her earlier. (How did it get to this…)
Eventually she threw the sweater on, revealing the full Snoopy print— Mavis’s favorite cartoon character from her favorite childhood show. The sweater fit her perfectly, soft fabric brushing against her now fully dry skin. She combed her fingers through her hair, raking her soft locks through her fingers.
On the other side of the room Mavis stood frozen, trying not to be too obvious but failing anyways. Her brain short-circuited for a minute at least— still trying to process what she may have seen. “The heck is wrong with her.” She mumbles beneath her breath, cheeks flushing a shade of red.
She shoved her face deeper into the freezer— a worthless attempt in calming her heartbeat down. She hated this— she hated the fact that Calixtro still had such an effect on her. It was like she knew how to keep her wrapped around her finger, even when she wasn’t trying.
Calixtro on the other hand was also dealing with her own moral dilemmas, the consequence of her foolishness earlier.
“WHY DID I DO THAT”
“AM I CRAZY”
“MAY TAMA BA AKO SA ULO????”
She internally scolded herself while trying to emit a calm demeanor— amidst the storm brewing inside of her.
Trying to lighten the mood, Calixtro reached over to the quaint little radio sitting on top of the cupboard. She pressed play and light tunes started to engulf the room.
“This is 98.9 radio here with you for your late night tunes.” The dj on the other side of the line announced, voice light and calming. “This song is for everyone out there, good night.” The DJ's voice broke in finally just as the first few notes of Sino by Unique Salonga slowly filled the room.
“Damn.” Calixtro sighs, curling up on the couch— letting herself be engulfed in the soft tunes of the song.
Patuloy kong hahanapin
Kahulugan ng pag-ibig
At habang-buhay na mag-iisa.
Mavis, who’s been busy preparing food in the kitchen— was now looking at Calixtro’s curled up figure, admiring how her soft locks perfectly fell like a curtain around her. “Haven’t changed much, huh.” She whispers to herself, a small smile tugging at her lips.
Her mind takes her down memory lane, replaying every time she’s seen Calixtro like this, how vulnerable she always was when curled up.
1 year before
“Mav…?” Calixtro calls out— eyes shimmering with unshed tears. She trudges into their shared apartment searching for her girlfriend.
She heads to the kitchen— nothing. Their shared bedroom— no one. She looks everywhere, tears falling on her cheeks one by one.
“Mav…?” she tries again, as if her girlfriend would appear in front of her if she called enough times.
After minutes of searching to no avail, Calixtro slumps on the ground— curling up, tears streaming a bit more freely.
Suddenly the door swings open, revealing a sweaty Mavis clutching a bag of groceries in her hands. As her eyes scan the room, her gaze fixes on her girlfriend’s curled up figure, shaking slightly.
Without hesitating she dropped the bags of groceries— causing them to scatter around the floor, making a loud thud sound. Mavis couldn't care less though, not when her girlfriend was this vulnerable crying.
“Cali! Anong nangyari? Bago ka lang ba nadating? May nag away ba sayo?” Mavis’s questions barely processed in Calixtro’s brain— instead of answering she quickly wrapped her arms around Mavis, holding her tightly, sniffling into her lover’s neck.
“Mav.. akala ko nawala ka.” She said, voice cracking slightly at the weight of her tears.
Mavis broke at the state of her girlfriend, arms wrapping around her protectively— her hand rubbing at the slope of her back, while the other gently caressed her soft locks.
“Tahan na Cal, nandito na ako, di ako aalis.” She murmured softly. Kissing her temple tenderly.
They stayed like that until Calixtro’s breathing evened out, surrounded by the quiet stillness of the room, and the over-flowing amount of love that radiated through their figures.
Back to the Present.
Mavis got back to cooking, and soon the fragrant aroma of chicken sotanghon filled the room. They both loved the dish— so it was a no-brainer dish to make.
Mavis walked over to Calixto’s huddled body, she reached out— hesitating. She could feel it. The warmth radiating through her body, a warmth she craved— so much so that in barely 1 year they were broken up, Mavis tried to find it in other people, but however much she tried— They weren't her.
It wasn’t the same. Every one she’s ever tried dating lacked something, something so unexplainable that she could only find in the figure of Calixtro Vargas— The girl who’s been with her for years, seen her through all her phases, was there for her in both her highest and lowest points in life, and loved her— for being her.
Not once in their relationship has Calixtro ever told, or even harbored the thought of changing anything about Mavis. And maybe, just maybe that’s what love is— Admiring someone for being themselves, finding beauty in everything that they do, choosing them every day of your life. Maybe love is in the form of someone who will choose you, even if they’ve seen your flaws, your weaknesses, someone who’s seen all of you and still chose to stay.
Mavis isn’t so sure she ever left.
She sighs softly before finally giving in and patting Calixtro’s head ever so slightly. She’s got notably hotter (In both ways she might add) so she nudges her awake.
“Cal… Gising ka na nagluto ako. Pagkatapos uminom ka na rin ng gamot.” She mutters ever so softly.
Calixtro mumbles something incomprehensible before adjusting her position so that she was sitting straighter. She rubbed her eyes groggily before reaching out to grab Mavis’s wrist.
“Mav…” She whined softly, tugging Mavis downwards towards her.
Mavis eyes widen as she stumbles down onto Calixtro’s lap— now effectively straddling her. Calixtro on the other hand, utterly sick and touch deprived —basically out of her proper mind— snuggled further into Mavis’s neck savoring the warmth she radiated.
Mavis’s brain shut down. Her body stiffened at the sudden touch. She was hyper aware of everything Calixto did, the way her hands found the curve of her waist, the way she leaned her head against her shoulder like she always did after a tough day at work, and the steady beating of her once lover’s heart against her own. Her heart did a stupid flip, heat travelled from her neck and up capturing the internal turmoil she felt inside.
“Cali… anong ginagawa mo?” She mumbled, unsure of where to put her hands.
She felt Calixtro’s body temperature heat up even more, worrying her even more. She moved Calixtro’s face just enough to look her in the eyes— her hands gently cupping Calixtro’s face.
Calixtro’s eyes fluttered open, looking Mavis directly in the eyes. She saw the genuine worry that laced Mavis’s orbs and sought to resolve it. So, she gently nudged the bridge of her nose against the latter’s brushing against it ever so slightly.
“Wag kana mag alala Mavis, I’m here na.” She muttered, pressing their foreheads together.
“Iniwan mo nga ako eh.” Mavis responded hesitantly, her lips pressing into a thin line.
That woke Calixtro up. Her eyes widened slightly as she recollected everything that happened. She pouts slightly, brows furrowing.
“Right. I’m sorry Mav, I shouldn’t have came here.” She said, tilting her head down in embarrassment. She prepares herself to get Mavis off her lap— but Mavis had other plans.
She pushed Calixtro to fully lean on the couch and lay against Calixtro’s beating heart.
“Bakit mo ako iniwan Cal?” She murmured, her eyes fluttering close. Tears threatening to fall. When Calixtro left her, she was left broken. Heart shattered across the floor. It took a few weeks to finally rebuild herself from that hopeless pit of despair. She questioned herself everyday, What could she have done wrong? She reminisced of the girl who held her heart often, her mind revisiting past memories they once shared. So a bit of closure would at least lessen the damage inflicted on her fragile heart.
Calixtro stiffened slightly, her breath catching in her throat.
“I-” She tried but the word died down in her throat. Mavis could feel it, how she was avoiding the truth.
She chuckled softly. “May nagawa ba akong mali Cal?” She raised her head to meet her eyes. The first few tears falling slowly.
Calixtro’s heart broke. Seeing Mavis like this broke her every time. She raised her thumb and brushed the tears off her beautiful ex-lover’s face.
Calixtro sighed, finally giving up to the truth.
“Mav… When I broke up with you, I wasn’t in a good place. My parents were on the edge of a divorce, I started avoiding classes a lot more, and I just fell deeper in that whole toxic cycle. They were fighting for custody over me— and they always tried to be one step above each other, to convince me to ‘choose’ one of them.” She said, voice cracking slightly.
December 25, 2024
“Merry Christmas Cali!” Her mother exclaimed proudly, holding out one of the numerous presents she’s bought. Calixtro just gave her a tight lipped smile in return— guessing this was one of the multiple attempts of her mother to get her on her side. From the other side of the room, her father sat cross legged on his chair, reading the newspaper— a half used up cigarette hanging between his lips. He shot her mother a glare.
“Calixtro, come here my lovely daughter.” He gestured Calixtro over. Calixtro obeyed, approaching her father.
“What is it dad?” she half-heartedly asked. Already expecting some sort of “gift”
He reached for a pair of car keys, tossing them over to Calixtro. A light smirk playing at his lips.
“Your very own Mercedes Benz.” He shot her a wink at her before continuing. “Merry Christmas Cal.” He patted her shoulders lightly.
Calixtro did nothing but stood still, her grip on the car keys she was holding tightening. As much as she wanted to genuinely appreciate the “gift” she knew better than to fall into this trap. For months on end her parents have tried countless methods to try and gain her trust so that they’d get to have custody over her. Buying her expensive gifts turned out to be one of their favorites. Every chance they got— whether it was a special occasion or a holiday, her parents relentlessly showered her with gifts, each trying to out do the other.
Gone were the days where Christmas was a time where they could spend time together. Loving and being loved. Instead, it turned into a battlefield of who could impress with the more expensive gifts. They wouldn't even stay until dinner, they’d both make up dumb excuses to escape the situation, leaving Calixtro alone, surrounded with material things she couldn’t care less about, longing— silently hoping that things would go back to the way they were.
“I tried. I really tried. Pero wala eh. I did what I could to keep our family together, but no matter how much I try, it was a lost cause.” She choked out, tears threatening to fall.
February 13, 2024
Calixtro sat in her room, utterly conflicted.
Valentines day was literally tomorrow and she still hasn’t thought of anything to surprise Mavis with.
She groaned, flopping onto her bed. Her brain was fried. She spent almost 3 whole hours brainstorming for any ideas of what to give Mavis on the special day. She scrolled through numerous pinterest posts, scoured the deepest ends of Google, and even got distracted by fluffy cats when she was searching for anything that sparked her interest on Tiktok.
Just as she was about to give in and just write a cheesy note paired with a few of Mavis’s favorite flowers and chocolates, an idea suddenly crossed her mind. Why not just ask her parents?
She practically jumped out of bed, rushing down the stairs to search for her parents.
“Ako nanaman? What have you ever contributed to this marriage? Ha?” Calixtro froze in place after hearing the familiar sound of her fathers voice.
“Grabe ka na Adrian. May I remind you when I needed you the most nasan ka? Oh right, you were with your mistress sa Cavite.” Her mothers enraged voice came out strained, like she was trying to stop the tears evident in her eyes.
Calixtro’s jaw clenched. They were never like this, they never fought— ever. She took a deep breath and stood at the doorway of their kitchen, peering in to take a look at the situation.
“I already told you, wala na sya sa equation na to Ash. Ikaw ang pinili ko oh.” Calixtro felt the pulsing anger in her dads veins, it somehow radiated off him at times like this. It was something he apparently passed down to Calixtro as well, one thing about the girl is when she was mad— you could practically feel it radiating off her skin.
Calixtro turned back, rushing up the stairs— eyes watery. She closed the door to her room, sliding down against it, putting a hand to cover her mouth, a feeble attempt of muffling her sobs.
A familiar ringtone snaps her out of her broken sobbing.
It was Mavis.
Instead of immediately answering as Calixtro always does when it comes to her girlfriend— she declined the call, too caught up with her emotions from witnessing her parent’s earlier argument she decided she didn't want to worry the latter.
She cried herself to sleep that night, hand gripping her chest as if keeping it from breaking into pieces. Her parents— who were the epitome of love for Calixtro— were slowly breaking apart, and it felt like Calixtro was in the eye of the storm, hopelessly gripping the remnants of the love they shared, watching their family fall apart, unable to do anything but stare, her heart silently breaking with them.
She looked up to her parents when it came to love— she even promised to herself that she would let Mavis—her person— feel that overflowing amount of love their parents shared. But now it felt all too foggy, like she couldn’t see where the future would lead her, for her parents and even for her and Mavis.
The fear clawed at her for days, it was then and there that she realized that love alone couldn’t withstand life. And her parents were a clear example of that. That no matter how much you loved a person, life would find a way to break you apart.
She thought of Mavis, her soft smile, those brown doe eyes that stared at her with so much love everyday, the way she would put Calixtro first in every situation, her kind heart that won Calixtro over. How could she dare to break the person she loves infinitely into pieces like her parents did to each other? How could she live with herself knowing that eventually she would break the girl’s heart in the pursuit of forever just like her parents?
She couldn’t. She decided.
She would do everything in her power to avoid that. Even if it meant leaving her for good.
This was her act of protecting the love of her life.
That without her, Mavis would live her life without pain, that even in this way Calixtro could save her from the heartbreak she was so sure she would cause.
So everything just— stopped.
That’s where it started, in the midst of every missed call, never answered texts, and half-hearted updates, Calixtro drifted away quietly. She never called, she avoided Mavis in any way that she could. She constantly made excuses, even arguing that she was just “tired”.
She saw how it affected the latter. She noticed every sad smile, the way her shoulders slumped when she avoided her.
It hurt. Damn did it hurt.
Calixtro fought every urge to reach out, to bridge the gap, to hold Mavis in her arms and apologize for all the hurt she has caused. To wake up in her arms again.
But she didn’t. She couldn’t.
If she allowed herself to indulge in that comfort she would only hurt Mavis even more.
That’s what she believed.
So she held back, she stood still as Mavis walked forward without her.
Little did she know, Mavis’ heart was already slowly breaking, at every tiny avoidant action she noticed from the latter, at the way the latter couldn’t even look her in the eye in the now rare moments that they talked.
Before she could ask Calixtro to talk, the message popped up.
“I can’t do this anymore. I'm sorry Mav.”
And that was it.
Calixtro lay in bed after she sent the message, tears streaming down her face freely now.
Everything felt heavier.
Wasn’t this supposed to make her happier?
Her parents were fighting again. She could hear their muffled arguments from her room.
It was a stark reminder that she made the right decision.
Right?
She saved her and Mavis from coming to that.
That’s what she told herself anyway.
Her heart screamed to take it back, it begged her to run to Mavis’ arms.
But she couldn’t. She wouldn’t do that to Mavis.
Calixtro clutched her chest, begging for it to fix itself to no avail.
“I’m sorry Mavis. I love you.” She whispered to no one, hoping that her words would reach the one she longed for in some stupid way.
“I didn’t want us to become like them.” She sniffled. Mavis just watched her, understood her. She reached over and wiped Calixtro’s tears away.
“So– I thought letting you go early would fix it. I thought that I was protecting you from hurting because of me.” Mavis’ eyebrows furrow as she absorbs her words.
“Bakit ikaw ang mag decide nun para saakin?” She said.
Calixtro searched her features, confused.
“Ha-”
“Calixtro Vargas, you are the love I waited for. You are my forever. Ikaw lang kahit masakit, kahit malabo, it's always been you.” She argued breathlessly. “Sa lahat ng pinagdaanan natin ikaw lang. Ikaw.” She said with a pointed finger at Calixtro’s chest.
“I don’t care if it hurts, kung iniisip mo na dun tayo patungo edi go! I would willingly bleed for you, kasi ikaw yan eh, anong laban ko sayo?” She laughed humorlessly.
“Mav, you don’t get it..” Calixtro mumbled, avoiding the latter’s gaze.
“Then make me understand.” Mavis responded, tilting her chin so that their eyes met.
“I was scared. Scared that we would end up like my parents. That no matter how much love I have for you— we have for each other — there is still that possibility that I could hurt you, that I might be the reason for your heartbreak, and I thought that if I ended it early, you would hurt less.” She said, voice cracking.
“Cali…”
“You didn’t deserve that Mavis. You don’t deserve any of this. I don’t deserve you. I just came here to say sorry. To give you the closure you deserve. I don’t expect anything in return. I just need to get this off my chest before I genuinely combust from keeping this to myself.” She said finally. Letting out a shaky breath and closing her eyes.
“I can’t imagine a life without you.” Mavis said suddenly, surprising the girl.
“Wha-”
“I understand your fears Cal, but from the moment we met nung highschool pa tayo, I have never been so sure of anything in my life. Na kahit sinasabi mo na masaktan mo lang ako wala akong pake. Like I said earlier, I would willingly bleed for you.”
“I know you won’t believe me when I say I promise you forever, so at least accept this:”
“Calixtro Vargas, you can break my heart hundreds, even thousands of times but it still belongs to you. Every future I imagine it isn’t complete without you by my side.” Mavis leaned her forehead on Calixtro’s, cupping her face gently.
“Kahit malabo na ang lahat, sayo parin ako kakapit.”
“I don’t know if this is enough assurance, pero mahal na mahal kita Cali.” She whispered, tears streaming down her face.
“If life brings us apart I’ll make sure to find my way back to you.” She said finally.
She leaned her head against the latter’s. Breath shaky.
“I want you back, Cal.”
Calixtro’s breath hitched at the sincerity of Mavis’ tone, tears trickling down her cheeks, sniffling.
The world stilled, time froze, in the confines of Mavis’ apartment it was just them again, two hearts beating the same rhythm once more. In the midst of all the hardships, the heartbreaks, the silence that stretched between them, they were both constants in each other's stories. Their hearts acted as a compass that led them both to each other. That in the silence of their hearts, they never stopped longing for the other, even when their mind battled against the will of their very souls, one thing stands awfully clear:
The heart wants what it wants.
And it will go lengths to find its way there.
“I’m all yours Mav.”
“This time I won’t hide, this time I refuse to let you go. This time, I’ll love you right.” Calixtro whispered softly, lifting her pinky finger.
“Pangako.”
Mavis chuckled, intertwining their fingers.
“Parang bata talaga.” She muttered teasingly, heart finally easing up for the first time in a while.
And as the rain pattered softly outside, soaking everything it touches, they lay in the midst of it all, In the love they shared, that even time couldn’t fade.
Their breathing evened out, as they succumbed to the weariness laid onto their figures, wrapped in the warmth of loving and being loved.
And maybe, just maybe, this kind of love is worth fighting for.