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Vickie loved Robin, and she loved being with her, but she sometimes felt like there was a big part of Robin that she simply didn’t have access to. Like there was something huge that Robin was hiding from her.
Vickie had no clue what it could be. It might be some childhood trauma she hadn’t shared, or something else that had happened to her or was still happening to her that she was too embarrassed or scared to tell Vickie about, or… something. She knew there had to be something.
Because why else would she react so strongly to Vickie helping her put on a scarf?
They’d had a lovely night at Vickie’s place. Her parents were out on a date, so she’d been able to have Robin over without having to pretend that there was nothing between them.
They’d made food together — or Vickie had made food, and Robin had tried to distract her with kisses every two seconds. Then Vickie had lit some candles, and they’d had a very romantic dinner. After that, they’d gone to Vickie’s room for a while.
It was always nice when they had moments like these. Moments where no one else was around, where they could be themselves fully, where they didn’t have to hide. Sure, there was some thrill in hidden moments in cupboards, but Vickie was honestly tired of it. She wished… She just wished the world was different.
Even though Vickie would have done anything for Robin to stay the night, she knew she couldn’t risk it. Her parents already thought she spent too much time with “that girl”, and they would not look kindly on Robin sleeping in her room.
So, right now, they were in the hallway, making out while Robin slowly put on her jacket and shoes.
“I’ll … come to the hospital … tomorrow,” Robin promised between kisses.
“You better.” Vickie started trailing kisses down Robin’s throat so she could put on her jacket. Robin let out a noise that made Vickie giddy.
Having successfully put on her jacket, Robin grabbed Vickie’s face and brought their lips back together. Vickie melted into her. Never in a million years had she imagined that she could be this happy. That she could feel so loved. She was so unbelievably lucky.
Remembering that Robin had worn a scarf when she got here, Vickie reached behind Robin, trying to locate it on the shelf behind her without breaking away from the kiss. It took a few tries, but her hands eventually found the soft fabric.
Breaking way from the kiss for just a few seconds, Vickie wrapped the scarf around Robin’s neck. As Vickie leaned in for another kiss, she accidentally pulled on the scarf a little too hard, making it tighten around Robin’s throat.
“Oh, sorry,” Vickie laughed.
She reached up and loosened the scarf. Then she leaned in for that kiss. But as her lips met Robin’s, she could feel that something was … off.
“Robin?” Vickie pulled back. “Are you okay?”
It was an unnecessary question, really, because Robin was clearly not okay. She was staring at some point behind Vickie, her eyes wide and… terrified. As Vickie watched her, her chest started moving rapidly up and down. Hyperventilating.
“Robin?” Vickie put a hand on her girlfriend’s cheek. “Robin? What’s going on?”
Robin blinked and looked at Vickie, fear still so very present in her eyes. “I– Sorry.” She still wasn’t breathing properly. “S-sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry,” Vickie said gently. “What’s going on?”
Robin shook her head, clearly only halfway present in this moment. “I- I need to go. I have to go. I…” She reached for the doorknob.
“No, wait.” Vickie gently grabbed Robin’s hand. “Let’s … let’s get you to the couch, okay? It seems like you might be having a panic attack or something, so I don’t think it would be a good idea for you to bike right now.”
Robin clearly wasn’t listening to her, pushing past her to the door. “I– I can’t–”
She managed to open the door, stumbling outside, still struggling to heave in breaths. Vickie followed after her, shivering at the cold air that met her when she stepped outside.
“Robin, please,” Vickie said as Robin tried to pick up her bike.
Thankfully, Robin’s hands shook so much that she found that she couldn’t do it, and she collapsed on the ground instead. She curled in on herself, becoming just a small, shaking ball. As Vickie slowly approached, she could hear her girlfriend’s quiet sobs.
Carefully, she crouched down in the wet grass beside Robin. Even more carefully, she put a hand on her shaking back. She was relieved when Robin didn’t push her away.
“Robin? Can you breathe with me?”
Robin didn’t answer. At least it wasn’t a no.
“Let’s just… In…” Vickie started breathing loudly. “And out… In… And out…”
It took a few seconds before Robin reacted, but she slowly started to copy Vickie’s breaths. Robin’s breaths were strangled and weak, but she was clearly trying. In and out. In and out.
Vickie had helped patients just like this, helped them breathe as the world shrunk in on them. She always felt bad for those patients, could feel some of their pain as her own. It was completely different when it was Robin struggling to breathe, struggling to form words that usually flowed so easily out of her. It hurt so much more.
After a long time, Robin’s breaths finally calmed down, and she stopped shaking. When she looked over at Vickie, her face was wet with tears.
“Oh, Robin…” Vickie carefully reached towards her and wiped away some of her tears. Robin closed her eyes, leaning into her touch. Vickie’s heart ached.
She couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to Robin, what had made her react so strongly to such a tiny thing. Vickie was never going to pressure Robin into sharing anything she didn’t want to, but… she wished her girlfriend felt comfortable talking to her about these things.
“I need to go,” Robin whispered.
Vickie shook her head. “My parents won’t be home for another half an hour at least. Come back inside, please. I– I can make hot chocolate or something. You have time to calm down before leaving, I promise.”
Robin pulled away from Vickie’s hand and shakily stood up. For a moment, Vickie thought she would come back inside, but then she grabbed her bike.
“Robin, please,” Vickie begged.
“I can’t,” Robin said. “I– I really wish I could, Vickie. Like, I really, really wish I could. You have no idea how much I wish I could, but I… I can’t.”
With that, Robin got on her bike and rode off into the night.
Vickie watched her leave, a painful ache in her heart. There was something huge, something awful in her girlfriend’s life that she refused to share.
And there was nothing Vickie could do about it.