Chapter Text
It's a nice day.
I honestly have nothing else to say about such a perfect day. The sun is painting everything golden around us, the weather is not too cold nor too hot, and I'm in a café drinking a well-made beverage. I tried a new one for the first time since I started coming here, but it was not too different from my usual cappuccino. Today I only added cinnamon to it, spicing up the milk.
I look around as my heart beats in my chest. No, I'm not excited, but I'm probably fearing the worst that could happen. I let my eyes wander, people-watching, curiously analysing what everyone has ordered, asking myself if it's their first time trying it or if it's their favourite drink. Were they also afraid of changing their routine? Did it take them courage to ask the guy behind the counter for a drink they've never tried? What if they said the name wrong? What if their order didn't make any sense? Were they conscious of it or was it normal?
Taking a sip from my mug, I try to tell my body to relax, that nothing weird is happening. Oh, well, I can understand why I'm feeling so agitated. Why does even the simple task of breathing burden my chest? My lonely presence at the table I'm sitting at is causing my mind to spiral. Maybe "spiralling" is a word a bit too serious. After all, I only feel like every single pair of eyes has set on me, judging every move I make, asking why I'm sitting alone in a café.
I don't find it weird. Or rather, I don't think it's weird for others to be enjoying a drink by themselves, to sit alone while they're working or studying. I don't think of them as unlucky, as losers for being alone in that moment, but that changes when I think about my presence in this room. Are they thinking I'm a loser? That I don't have any friends? That I'm unlikeable and that's why I'm sitting here all alone?
My gaze falls down to the tablet in front of me. I was supposed to study, after all… Or maybe this is all wrong. It's not like there are other people here doing the same exact thing I want to do, right? Right. Not right. I sigh, placing the mug down. I just need to calm myself down: no one is looking at me, and no one cares if I'm here or not. I'm not calling all these other people assholes, far from it.
I straighten my back, I'm slouching, and I force myself to go back to study Dante's Purgatorio. I like it, I really do. I love studying Dante, the Commedia, the dialect used to write it, that dialetto fiorentino which became the Italian used today. I love it, but I wish I were smarter. I wish I were able to articulate my thoughts better, to let my professor know that I'm interested in the topic. I should've read more in the past, I realise, I should've had more interests or hobbies. I should not have spent so much time on my phone; I should have done something more with that time because now it's late.
Is it really late, though? I'm not old, and, even then, I would think it's a beautiful thing for people to gain new interests when a lifetime has passed. Other people, though, not me. I'm 23 and I've missed out on so much already. I'm falling behind, I'm late, I'm not good at anything. Damn, have I even chosen the right university? Is my project of becoming an English professor the right track? Because, really, have I read English literature? Let's be honest, I want to teach literature and I've never read Pride and Prejudice, or Jane Eyre, or The Picture of Dorian Gray. No Gulliver's Travels, no Little Women, no Orwell, no Woolf. Can I even let myself think of writing a dissertation on The Lord of the Rings? Yes, I bought it, but I've yet to start reading it thoroughly.
So, yes, I think it's late, and also, no, I don't think it's late. I believe I have enough time to read Tolkien before I start writing that final paper. I'm still in my twenties; there's still time to build a decent cultural baggage in English literature before I really start my adult life. Still, do I have permission to consider myself a good student? I'm certainly interested in studying, in knowing things, but if I compare myself to people I really consider good students, then I'm leagues below them.
I quickly turn off my tablet and put my things away. Standing up, I don't look at anyone, forcing my eyes down to my feet as I walk out. Today I'm not getting closer to those students.