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***
The morning in this particular manor did not begin with a cup of invigorating beverage, nor even with a hearty and delicious breakfast. If only things had been different, perhaps the mood of the illustrious Lord Malfoy would have been far more benevolent. But alas, this was not the case. Which he pondered with a sigh of longing, observing the bustle of the house-elves. After all, who could have known that an idea casually tossed out at dinner would so appeal to his dear wife?
— Darling, you yourself suggested we take a joint vacation. I'm considering various options... We haven't gone anywhere in so long. It should be an unforgettable rest, — Narcissa stood by the table, sorting through hundreds of tourist brochures lying there. — Who knows when another opportunity will arise. The Dark Lord won't release you in the midst of active operations. And since there's a lull in his plans now, it would be a sin not to take advantage...
— My dear, why strain ourselves? Let's just go somewhere to the sea? Sun, sand, water...
— And you'll be in the first halfway decent bar, saying the local sun is too merciless to sensitive skin. We know, we've been through it last time, — the woman casually dismissed the Riviera option, which Lucius had thoughtfully placed atop all the others. — By the way, that's exactly why Draco never learned to swim. We had to hire an instructor separately. And finding a proper pool in Britain proved no easy task.
— And how am I to blame for Draco being afraid of jellyfish? There were quite a few of them then, if you recall.
— You used that argument in vivid detail to escape the beach. And Draco always listened to you. So no, no sea. And it's banal anyway.
— How is it banal, darling? The sea has a beneficial effect on the nervous system...
— The nervous system is perfectly affected by the absence of irritating factors, including certain people.
At this phrase, the illustrious Lord choked quite un-illustriously and rasped:
— What does Antonin have to do with it?! You had fun with him. I saw you smiling at his jokes.
— If for you ordinary politeness is a sign of fun, then you've long ceased to understand people, — she gently patted her husband on the shoulder. — All right, don't distract me, I need to think. I also need to jot down a list of things, to make sure we don't forget anything.
— Don't worry, we'll definitely buy everything on site if you forget something, — the man approached his wife closer and placed yet another option atop the rest. — Here, look, the French Alps, with snow, mountains, and a chateau with a jacuzzi...
— Lucius! Don't interfere, see, I'm sorting ideas! And have you written to Draco anyway?
— Draco? What does he have to do with it? I thought this would be a vacation for two.
— So that he can plan his own summer and not be bored in the manor.
— How can one be bored here?! We have so much...
— Lucius!
— Fine, fine, darling, I'm leaving, — the man humbly tossed out and headed for the doors. At the very threshold, he paused. — But do consider the Provence option at least.
— Lucius!
***
Of his dearest wife's choice, Lucius learned post factum. When the Portkey transported them to... Nowhere. In the absence of civilization. For many miles around, there wasn't a single structure. Only stumps and trees. Solid nature in all its damned splendor.
"Blacks are truly terrifying people. Mother did say to marry someone simpler, from a calmer family. But no, love."
— Narcissa, darling, explain one simple thing to me. What exactly didn't suit you about the option with a five-star hotel and all-inclusive?
— Precisely the all-inclusive, no romance! And nothing new!
— But here there's so much new, — only Merlin knows how much effort it cost Lucius to restrain the sarcasm that so yearned to burst forth.
— Oh, see, you agree yourself, — Narcissa either didn't notice or didn't want to notice her husband's "sincere" joy. — I knew you'd appreciate it. That's why I immediately discarded most options.
— Even the Carpathians?
— Especially the Carpathians. No need to make such surprised eyes. You thought I'd forget about your schoolmate? As if!
— You wound me to the very heart...
— As if yours isn't made of iron. And instead of complaints, better help set up the tent.
— As you say, darling, — Malfoy smiled and called an elf. — Kili!
A second. Two. But nothing happened. He tried calling again. No progress. Then the first wrinkle appeared on his forehead.
— Tili!
From such prolonged silence, his heart began to pound faster.
— Darling, don't trouble yourself. I ordered them not to disturb us for two weeks.
— How many? — his heart had already shifted to tachycardia mode. It wasn't far from a heart attack. And after all, his age and health were no longer what they once were.
— Two weeks of unforgettable impressions, — the woman declared inspirationally and then finished him off: — Hiking along the Ural mountain ridges.
Jinxed it.
— Give me the heart remedy...
— Set up the tent, and I'll give it.
Lucius looked once more attentively at the clearing, at the bag in his wife's hands, and turned his cane, opening the secret mechanism. Empty. The secret compartment was empty.
— If you're looking for your wand, you're wasting your time. I have it. And no, I won't give it back.
— Then how am I to set up the tent? — Lord Malfoy's plaintively frightened voice betrayed all his nervous state.
— With your hands, darling, with your hands.
If someone had told Lucius that he would be setting up a tent with his own hands, Muggle-style, he would have Avada-ed that joker with a terrible sense of humor without hesitation. For his own good. But look at this: the illustrious aristocrat is on his knees in the damp earth, obediently hammering in wooden stakes.
"There was a bar in the tent anyway. I definitely replenished all the supplies last time."
Was it worth saying that faith and hope are not just harmful, but even dangerous to health?
When the tired, angry, and above all—hungry man somehow managed to set up the tent and entered inside, a new disappointment awaited him. Instead of a tent with twelve rooms, six bathrooms, a fireplace, and a personal billiard room with valuable pieces from the alcohol collection, there was one room, a modest bed, a tiny kitchen... and no billiard room!
— Darling, you didn't mix up the tents by chance?
— No, of course, I checked it several times to ensure it perfectly met the requirements.
"Mummy, how right you were... Women of the Black family are mad. And the examples of Bella and Andromeda were quite telling... Fate warned twice, and I, like the last Weasley, ignored all the signs..."
***
In the evening, after a good afternoon nap, reconciling with the heavy fate and universal injustice became a tad easier. Only some buzzing insects began to... bite him?
— What are these infernal creatures?! — the man exclaimed, when for the hundredth time in the last minute he shooed away who knows what.
— Those are mosquitoes.
— Couldn't you cast some charms? Against these... mosquitoes.
— Against mosquitoes? Nope... They don't bother me at all. And how will you get pleasure if you refuse everything?
And people still call the Dark Lord the true evil...