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It had felt like a clean cut when you were the one holding the sickle.
When you were him, arm hooked around your neck as you held the weapon and smiled, it had been so easy. One hard, fast pull, and then it was over. Like cutting through warm butter. It had been so easy, and then it was over, and the weight in your chest was gone.
When you were him, sickle to your throat, it felt anything but easy. It felt wrong. It was wrong, wrong that you were doing it now and wrong that the kid could see and instead of being excited all you felt was horror. At least you knew it was a clean cut. You thought it was a clean cut.
Your name is DAVE STRIDER, and you have just killed yourself.
You knew it was coming. You had known all day, and that was why you were so happy. It was the perfect birthday present. It had been the perfect birthday present when you gave it to yourself, when you were him and not the other way around, stepping ahead in time to make it happen.
When your eyes adjust to the light, you think you must have fucked up. Someone had stopped you, or saved you, or brought you back after all the work you’d done. The moment you can see the ceiling properly, you know that can’t be true. You know that you’re back home.
(Home, for so long, had been with Karkat. When you think about Karkat, you feel sick. It doesn't matter which one, not really, because they’re all still Karkat.)
DAVE: ok
DAVE: lets do this
KARKAT: AND YOU’RE SURE THIS IS SAFE?
DAVE: dude i told you
DAVE: im god tier its fine
DAVE: the worst case scenario here is them growing back
KARKAT: I STILL CANNOT FUCKING FATHOM WHY YOU WOULD EVEN NEED TO REMOVE YOUR RUMBLE SPHERES. JUST RETRACT THEM LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN!
DAVE: oh my gog
DAVE: dude what
KARKAT: WHAT? THAT’S WHAT YOU’VE BEEN DOING FOR LIKE FIVE SWEEPS!
DAVE: stop im gonna get outta position im giggling
KARKAT: HOW ELSE WOULD THEY APPEAR AND DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT? SOME DAYS YOURS ARE MORE PROMINENT THAN ROSE’S AND THE NEXT THEY’RE FUCKING GONE!
DAVE: i cant do this
DAVE: did you agree to this thinking it was for fun oh my gog
KARKAT: I AGREED TO THIS BECAUSE WE’RE PALE AND I WANT TO HELP YOU, ASSHOLE!
DAVE: karkat can i bring you into my twisted world for a minute
DAVE: no no shh shh no yelling let papa dave tell his tale
KARKAT: JUST START TALKING!
DAVE: so on earth theres theres magical things called boobs
DAVE: (boobs are usually awesome btw 10/10 dude are you seeing these things im flaunting)
DAVE: (if i could mentally separate the boob from the man i could rock these)
KARKAT: I’M LEAVING.
DAVE: wow ok not very pale
KARKAT: JUST TELL THE FUCKING STORY, STRIDER!!!!!!!
DAVE: ok so boobs
DAVE: the thing about boobs is lady humans get em
DAVE: exclusive promo no boys allowed
KARKAT: BUT YOU HAVE THEM, APPARENTLY?
DAVE: bingo
DAVE: so like
DAVE: man is there even a troll comparison i can pull here
DAVE: do you have trans trolls
KARKAT: ?????????
KARKAT: YOU THOUGHT TROLLS COULDN’T BE TRANS??????
KARKAT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK.
KARKAT: KANAYA IS TRANS.
KARKAT: KANAYA, THE TROLL YOU HAVE BEEN COHABITING WITH FOR FIVE SWEEPS,
KARKAT: WHO IS ROSE’S MATESPRIT,
KARKAT: WHO YOU DARE TO CALL YOUR FRIEND,
KARKAT: IS TRANS.
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT?!
DAVE: oh shit fr
DAVE: twinning
KARKAT: YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID THAT YOUR RUMBLE—
DAVE: boobs
DAVE: i may not want mine but boobs are a sacred art karkat
KARKAT: YOUR BOOBS???
KARKAT: ARE A FEMALE TRAIT IN YOUR SPECIES YOU WANT REMOVED.
DAVE: ok to be fair trolls barely have gender compared to us
DAVE: how was i supposed to know youd get it
KARKAT: YOU COULD HAVE FUCKING TRUSTED ME, MAYBE!
DAVE: ok stop THAT train if i didnt trust you i would not be laying shirtless on a weird operating table right now
DAVE: just didnt know if youd get it
DAVE: i dont talk about it a lot I guess
DAVE: only told rose because if i tried binding for three years straight id die regardless of god tier
KARKAT: BINDING?
DAVE: yeah thats how my boobs were
DAVE: to quote you
DAVE: retracting
DAVE: its just keeping your chest bound tight enough to make em smaller
DAVE: cause boobs are mostly fat
DAVE: do trolls have fat
DAVE: its mostly squishy stuff
DAVE: but keeping it tight enough to actually do anything substantial means its kinda smooshing everything
DAVE: youre supposed to only wear it for a couple of hours at a time
DAVE: and you havent interrupted me in too long now im freaked out
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
KARKAT: WAIT, NO! KEEP TALKING! SHUT UP ABOUT ME BEING SHUT UP!
DAVE: ooookay
DAVE: uh where was i
KARKAT: IT SQUISHES YOUR INSIDES.
DAVE: yeah right
DAVE: so the reason they looked like they changed size to you is cause sometimes i was binding
DAVE: and whatever whatever squishing little fat lumps makes em look smaller
DAVE: thats kind of it sorry dude i really couldve just finished
KARKAT: SO IT WAS A WAY TO PREVENT OTHER HUMANS FROM FIGURURING OUT YOU HAD
KARKAT: BOOBS???
DAVE: yeah but also just cause i dont like having em either
DAVE: but binding is clearly inconsistent so
DAVE: here we are
DAVE: root of the problem
DAVE: cut me up karkles
DAVE: make my dreams come true
KARKAT: WELL!
KARKAT: IT’S ONE WAY TO LEARN ABOUT YOUR WEIRD ALIEN BIOLOGY, I GUESS!
DAVE: fuck yes
DAVE: karkat were doing it
KARKAT: WE’RE MAKING THIS HAPPEN!
KARKAT: (DID I DO IT RIGHT?)
DAVE: fucking splendidly dude
DAVE: ok pass me the alchemy booze I need to be so out of it for this to work
DAVE: fuck yes get that sickle ready
DAVE: oh dont take my nipples tho
KARKAT: YOUR WHAT?
(You think about kissing Korpo. You had moved so desperately fast with him, almost rushing right into his arms the second a bottle hit your lips. He’d almost done the same, and the thought makes you grip Karkat’s shoulder tighter. You had suggested drinking. You had crawled over, knowing— knowing he was drunk and he was alone and he was Karkat and maybe he could want you. You told him you were lonely before anything else. That was the most honest part of the entire ordeal. When you kissed Korpo, you wanted so, so badly for someone to love you. While you look at Karkat, you want him to love you.)
Your name is DAVE STRIDER, and you are dead. You know this has to be true, because there’s no other way you would be here. Your room is just as hot as you remember, even with the window cracked open like you left it. The bed creaks as you push yourself up, and for once you don’t feel sore. You feel light, like all the weight pressing down on you is finally gone for good. It reminds you of how it felt to be on Derse, awake and asleep all at once. June talked about that feeling sometimes, too— being out of her body, but still there. Some days, she’d ramble on and on and others she’d be quiet. At the time, you assumed it was something similar to you. Feelings about the past pulling too hard. You should’ve known better, because June was never the kind of person who cared about the past anyway.
JOHN: hey dave!
DAVE: my main man
DAVE: love of my life sweetheart honey bunch sugar tits
JOHN: okay, i do not think that last one is a nickname.
DAVE: do you not like it
DAVE: do you hate tits
DAVE: john egbert are you a misogynist
JOHN: hey, let me talk!
DAVE: damn ok
DAVE: serious egbert
DAVE: floor is yours
JOHN:
DAVE: any second now
JOHN: well i think
JOHN: bluh! this is very hard to say!!!
JOHN: are we in love dave?
DAVE: what
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: dude were married
JOHN: i just feel like we don’t act any differently than we did when we were friends.
JOHN: we were just as touchy and we hung out all the time anyway!
JOHN: and we don’t really do stuff like holding hands or romantic things.
DAVE: we kiss when we get crunk
JOHN: dave :(
DAVE: ok yes serious conversation
JOHN: we only really do anything when we drink! and that feels very teenager-y.
DAVE: ok uh
DAVE: where is this going
JOHN: i've just been thinking a lot!
JOHN: about me! and a little bit about you too.
JOHN: i think we are trying to love eachother in a way we don’t.
JOHN: we’re best friends.
JOHN: and i know you liked me when we were kids, but do you really like me now?
JOHN: i think maybe you like the person i was back then! or the feelings you had for me when i was that person!
JOHN: and i think im not that person anymore and we both know that!!!!!!!!
DAVE:
JOHN: also i think i am a girl!
DAVE:
:
DAVE: ok what do i call you
: well, we don’t need to split right away! i don’t think either of us are in a rush!
DAVE: what no ive already processed that
DAVE: divorce number two incoming
DAVE: third times the charm
DAVE: do you think aradia and fef are still on
: dave!!!!!!!!
DAVE: oh right oops
DAVE: i meant like
DAVE: whats your name
: oh!
: i have been thinking about june!
DAVE: oh hell yes
DAVE: thats metal as fuck bro
DAVE: wait can i still call you dude i know not everybodys as chill on gendered shit as i am
JUNE: yes i think i am still your bro!
JUNE: you call rose and jade your bros so i know what you mean!
DAVE: awesome
DAVE: man you get to be my first ex wife
DAVE: june egbert
DAVE: dave striders first female fumble on earth c
DAVE: how does it feel
JUNE: pretty good, dave!
DAVE: fuck yeah
JUNE: :)
DAVE: B)
It’s second nature for you to hesitate when opening the door to your room. There was always a chance your brother would be waiting with a strife in mind. Instead of him, peeking out brings you face to face with someone else.
You kick Lil Cal aside without hesitating. God, you hate this fucking guy. Puppet. Whatever he is. Your Bro always treated him like he was alive, and for most of your childhood you were pretty convinced he was. Even if you knew the one moving him was your brother, it didn’t make him feel any less real. He was always watching. Before you could understand the cameras, you thought Cal was the one reporting your every move to Bro.
You pick him up by the arm and drag him along with you as you step towards the kitchen. Your Bro wouldn’t like seeing him left on the floor like that.
(You think about Jade. You think, maybe, part of her wanted you to be someone else too.)
JADE: hi dave!
DAVE: harley
DAVE: hows it hanging
JADE: good! except for the fact that i had to find out you and june split from book club >:(
DAVE: whoops
DAVE: genuinely slipped my mind
DAVE: thought i told everyone
JADE: well you didnt!
DAVE: thats on me
DAVE: to be fair it wasnt as big of a clusterfuck as the first one so i havent really been thinking about it
JADE: june seems happy too! its soooo weird!
JADE: i thought you guys would be more upset!
DAVE: i mean im bummed it didnt work out but i dont think either of us liked each other the way married couples are supposed to
DAVE: we were just kinda roommates that made out sometimes
JADE: :0
JADE: so scandalous!!!
DAVE: right
DAVE: but i mean who can resist the strider charm
JADE: hehehe!
JADE: nobody, i think!
DAVE: im irresistible like that
DAVE: so many babes have been waiting in line for june to drop out of the race
DAVE: who could be the next future ex mr/s strider
DAVE: how far will they venture from to find me
JADE: maybe not far at all!
DAVE: huh
DAVE: are you implying something there harley
JADE: maybe!
JADE: are you implying youd be interested?
DAVE: maybe
JADE: hehehe!
JADE: well dave
JADE: do you wanna come have a drink at my place?
JADE: :)
Once you’d both broken into Jade’s booze cabinet, she wrapped her hands around your face, and in the buzz you didn’t pull away. Your shades clanked uncomfortably against her glasses, but she was smiling so wide when you parted that you didn't mind. You’d always do anything that made Jade Harley smile.
(You think about leaving. The only person who knows why you left is Roxy. He’d gone with you and held your hand. He told you it was brave. You didn’t feel brave. You didn’t feel anything other than disgusting.)
The apartment looks just like you remember. Unmoved, unchanged, like it’s been waiting for you to return before it dared to go on. When you were a kid, it always felt like the opposite— things only moved when your Bro was home, even you. All the times he left for work or benders or whatever other mysterious vices he had, you could have left. Being out there wouldn’t have been any different. You would have been just as hungry. You would have been just as tired. You probably would have bled less, in all honesty, because violence would be a threat rather than a guarantee. You knew all that just as well when you were thirteen and twelve and ten and you stayed every time. You didn’t know what else to do. You didn’t know how else to be.
You couldn’t run from Bro, and that just made the prospect of running all the more appealing. Every problem you faced felt like facing him all over again, even though you knew he was gone. Rose always told you the only way out was through, but she didn’t know what it felt like to be stagnant. She wasn’t stuck like you.
You try to stop thinking. Instead, you drag your fingers across the countertop, still sticky from some old spill. You’re taller than you were at thirteen, but still nowhere near the height you always wanted to be. Terezi used to poke at you about being so short on the meteor, which didn’t bother you nearly as much as Rose’s insistence she stop.
ROSE: Terezi, his height is out of his control.
ROSE: Childhood malnutrition has severe effects on—
You hadn’t heard the rest, because you’d gotten up and left before she could finish. After that, Terezi never mentioned your height again. It hadn’t bothered you before. It only started bothering you after that. It bothers you less, now— if no one else, you’re taller than your Karkat. Most Daves are taller than their Karkats, you’ve learned, and something about the fact makes it feel like he really is yours. He is yours, isn't he, in all the ways that matter? He’s yours, and you’re his, and nothing that came before matters when it comes down to it. You’re going to be better than you were for everyone else. You’re going to get better, because the only other option is running again. You can’t run from him. Not when he’d met you at your lowest and still decided to want you. Everyone else had known you when you were good. They wanted you to be good. He wanted you.
(You think about your Bro. He drank, sure, but drugs were more his style. You aren’t sure exactly what he was into other than pot if you’re being honest, but it’s not like knowing would change anything. You grabbed something off him, once, to see if it would make you feel as good if it made him, but instead the mystery tablet made your throat twist until you couldn’t breathe. When Bro got home and found you curled up in the shower, he squished your cheeks together to force your mouth open and put another under your tongue. Don’t be a pussy this time, he said, if you’re gonna be a man, fuckin’ take it like one. You don’t remember the strife that happened after, but you remember how you cried, and you remember how crying only ever made things worse.)
You realize, hand still pressed to the counter, that you aren’t very good at not thinking. You’re always thinking. Your first therapist, the one Karkat made you try, had told you to try mindfulness. To slow down your thoughts, and just feel your body. Try as you might, you never got the hang of it. You try again, dropping Cal from your other hand and letting your fist slam against the countertop. The spot where it lands isn’t as cold. You look, and find a note just as familiar as the rest of this place.
(You think about your brother, and stop yourself before you get further than his shades.)
The sky looks the same as it did during your last strife. Red, like you, like the blood at the end of your brother’s sword and the blood at the end of a sickle. He’s already here. He was always the one waiting for you. He’s sitting at the edge, legs dangling over as he takes a drag of his cigarette. The smoke smells like home. It smells like fear. It smells like your brother.
BRO: Bro.
BRO: Good. You came.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE:
DAVE: you arent
DAVE: attacking
BRO: Not yet.
Your brother pats the empty spot beside him with his free hand. You sit, because he told you to.
DAVE: whats
DAVE: whats happening
BRO: You killed yourself.
DAVE: im not fucking stupid i know that
DAVE: i was there
DAVE: twice
BRO: Mhm.
BRO: So, how does it feel?
DAVE: since when do you care about feelings
BRO: Humour me.
The city below you is so still. It had never been still before. Even when you weren’t, it was always moving.
DAVE: i feel weird
DAVE: i should be happy
DAVE: and i am i guess
DAVE: but it feels
DAVE: empty
DAVE: it doesnt hurt anymore
DAVE: i dont
DAVE: i dont feel
DAVE: fuck
You scrub at your face. You won’t cry. You can’t cry.
DAVE: i miss them already
BRO: Who?
DAVE: fucking
DAVE: dirk and rose and roxy
DAVE: june and jade
DAVE: karkat
BRO: Which karkat?
DAVE: all of them
DAVE: even that stupid asshole who godtiered my
DAVE: my karkat
DAVE: i miss everyone
DAVE: i want to sleep but i want to be awake
DAVE: i want to get to fucking rest
DAVE: but i need them to be there
BRO: You can’t have both. You know that.
DAVE: i know
DAVE: theyre just the first thing thats made me want something other than leaving in so long
You grip Cal’s arm. There are so many birds. The city is still in stasis, but the crows are all looking down and up and straight at you.
BRO: You need to stop living for other people. Other people will hurt you. Other people will die. And then you’ll be back at the start again.
BRO: Living for Karkat was what ruined your relationship with him.
BRO: Living for your friends is what made you spiral.
BRO: If you only keep going for the sake of other people, you won’t ever end the cycle.
DAVE: bro—
Your Bro puts his hand on your shoulder. He didn’t touch you a lot outside of strifes, unless you’d fucked up. He isn’t looking at you like you fucked up, though. His face is locked in an expression you’ve never seen him make.
BRO: You aren’t stupid, Dave. You know your real Bro would never say this.
DAVE: can i just
DAVE: pretend
DAVE: for a little bit
He shakes his head.
BRO: That’s a kind of running.
DAVE: i know
BRO: Are you really going to keep running?
DAVE: i dont know how to do anything else
BRO: Then learn.
As he stands, your Bro looks out at the city. It’s longing, you know, because this expression of him can only know what you do. You miss it. You miss Houston. You miss the apartment. You miss your Bro. It was horrible, all of it, horrible and lonely and painful, and you miss it.
DAVE: do you
DAVE: do you think he loved me
DAVE: at all
BRO: Would that really change anything?
No, you realize.
DAVE: no
BRO: You’ll never get that closure.
BRO: Not when it comes to him.
BRO: The only closure you can get is your own.
BRO: So,
BRO: Show me just how much you want to live.
STRIFE!