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Oh, the Christmas season. So merry and jolly! Who does not know this time of ginger and holly?
All around DK Island, the sounds and the lights, were set up to permeate those long Christmas nights.
For every Kong in Kongo Bongo loved Christmas a lot, but K. ROOL, who lived at Mount Krockit, did not.
Upon Crocodile Isle, through dismal dinge and grime, many Kremlings were forced to stay low during this time.
Their cold-blooded nature and fear from their king, cemented that Christmas would never be their thing.
K. Rool hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season. No other croc asked why, and I doubt they’d get a reason.
It could be perhaps that his cape was too tight. Or maybe his crown didn’t fit on just right.
Maybe his stomach was three sizes too wide. But that reason is not possible unless you’re being snide.
For the most likely reason I’d wager at all, would be that his heart was three sizes too small.
(Which could explain his shapely physique, those clogged arteries must’ve his heart tiny and weak.)
Whatever the reason, be it heart, cape, or crown, K. Rool spent his Christmas eve night looking down.
For all around DK Island the monkeys were singing, jungle wreathes they were hanging and vined lights they were stringing.
As K. Rool looked to the Kongs closing up litter drapes, he screeched to himself, “Oh, those dang dirty apes!”
“Their holiday happiness makes me scoff and sneer! Especially when Christmas is practically HERE!”
“Klump! Krusha! Look down at this disgusting display!” Overjoyed, his two minions went down right away.
“The lights are so pretty,” Krusha endearingly stated. “Sure wish we had those,” Klump relayed frustrated.
“Your wants disgust me,” K. Rool started to bawl. “Best to go scorched earth and say humbug to it all!”
The crocodile lurched with his claws quickly drumming, “I must stop this whole Christmas season from coming!”
For he knew the day of, all the Kongs would spring out, hoarding presents and laughing and dancing about.
They would climb up the mountains and play in the snow, making their horrid ape cheer have easier flow.
And in their merriment, occupied with their toys, they would spread all throughout and make lots of noise!
Oh the noise, oh the NOISE of those Kong girls and boys, when they’d ring in his ears with all the noise, noise, noise, NOISE!
Then the Kongs, young and old, would sit down and feast, digging into banana cream pies like foul beasts.
Even when mouths were full, their NOISE wouldn’t decrease, a fact that K. Rool could not stand in the least.
But THEN they’d do something that would make him appall! Every Kong in the Bongo, the tall and the small,
would link hands together as bells started ringing, and loudly and proudly they would start SINGING!
And with horrible thoughts of the torment they’d bring, King K. Rool screamed in anguish, “I must stop this WHOLE THING!”
“Why, for thirty-one years I’ve put up with it now! I must stop Christmas from COMING! ...But how...”
He stomped at the ground until a lone twig went and hit Krusha’s head most big.
Sticking to his biologically impossible hair, K. Rool twitched his eye, and gave a frightful stare.
In poor lighting, Krusha looked like a swollen reindeer, and that was when a smile cracked out from his sneer.
For King K. Rool had a brilliant idea... A brilliant, wonderful, AWFUL idea!
“Stand aside, LUNKHEADS,” K. Rool issued a command, “for I’ve come up with a masterful plan!”
He took a spare cape and a large spool of thread, and weaved out a suit very big and red.
Any leftover fabric was not thrown out, instead, with some white mold he fashioned a hat on his head.
A makeshift mold beard was the last part of this trick. “With my genius disguise, I’ll look just like Saint Nick!”
Of course, reindeer in the jungle were scarce and quite Rare, so he looked back to the twig on Krusha’s spiked hair.
Using what remained, mainly a few loose threads, he tied spiked twigs upon Klump and Krusha’s heads.
And just like a shopper upon Black Friday, he stocked random baubles to create his sleigh.
But while his dastardly deeds are underway, a song would be nice to have, wouldn’t you say?
You’re a mean one, King K. Rool,
You’re really quite a heel!
You’re as slimy as a swamp snakeskin left outside to congeal
King K. Rooooool!
You’re a spoilt green apple with a... mushy brown peel!
You’re a terror, King K. Rool,
You have vultures in your soul!
You’ve the anger of a gremlin, and the beauty of a troll!
King K. Rooooool!
If I saw you in the streets, I’d fall in a twenty-five-and-a-half-foot hole!
You’re a madman, King K. Rool,
You’re a seasick crocodile!
You have all the warmth and subtlety as sewage dressed in bile!
King K. Rooooool!
If I were to choose between the two of you,
I’d choose that slimy slippy pile!
With Krusha and Klump, K. Rool readied his whip, lashing his lackeys for a quicker trip.
As they ran for their lives down Mount Krockit without care, they failed to realize they couldn’t run on thin air.
Splashing onto the sea, they swam to the shore, where King K. Rool saw the houses lit with festivities galore.
Upon finding a house, he saw that inside, there was plenty of gifts ol’ Santa did provide.
“This house is the first,” K. Rool could surmise, “to be victim to my lizard-flavored surprise!”
Fitting under a chimney would seem hard to do, but if Mario could do it, K. Rool could to.
He slid like a snake through the soot and the ash, landing out of the chimney with a loud crash!
Afraid that he’d be caught, he stood behind the tree, which with his bulk wouldn’t fool anyone easily.
But to just his luck, in pajamas sky-blue, was young innocent Kiddy Kong, who just stopped being two.
“Santa Claus? What are you doing back there?” The monkey came up, bouncing around everywhere.
Now, K. Rool was cornered. Left with figurative pants down. But with his genius, insane mind, he could turn things around.
“Now, dear child, I admit, that this tree needs a redo. For the lights, you see, don’t shine as bright as they used to.”
“And the star on top, well, it doesn’t light on one side! One thing Santa, er, I, do not abide.”
Kiddy, bless his heart, went to get a small cup. K. Rool took out some water and filled the thing up.
So back to his bed that gorilla did swing. That chump of a chimp, he bought the whole thing!
“For a moment I almost enjoyed being... NICE.” K. Rool cringed, but he quickly moved on from that vice.
He looked around the house, and saw stockings up in a row. “These socks,” K. Rool cackled, “will be the first things to go!”
He and his minions slunk through the floor, gathering every present as they would explore.
Barrels! Surfboards! And butterfly nets! Expensive game consoles that have yet to be set!
Then K. Rool trudged up to the fridges and saw, all the fix-ins and meals for hungry Kong maws.
He took their bananas, their oranges, their nuts. All the delicacies they hid in their huts.
“I’ve stolen most everything and the kitchen sink! Last task is to stuff up the tree... I think.”
Through the chimney, he stuffed up the tree, gifts, and food. Stealing their belongings put him in a good mood.
He continued his crusade to the other Kong houses, leaving nothing but crumbs that could feed a few mouses.
Oh, how could he do things so terribly wrong? We must look into it by continuing our song.
You’re a nightmare, King K. Rool,
You’re a mingy, mangy skunk!
Your brain is stuffed with carrion, your heart is filled with junk,
King K. Rooooool!
The three words that’d best describe your moral code are as follows, and I quote: sink, sank, sunk!
You’re a demon, King K. Rool,
Just a brutish, biting boss!
You bring misery and mayhem to each soul you come across,
King K. Rooooool!
You’re a five-decker anglerfish and nightshade sandwich stuffed with the most rotten and crusty garbage available, served with a side of motor oil sauce!
K. Rool stole from every Kong house he could see, from Chimpan-A all the way to Chimpanzee.
With the baubles and gifts packed up in his sleigh, K. Rool motioned Klump and Krusha to ride away.
Going back to Mount Krockit, they looked at their haul. “Pretty soon,” K. Rool cooed, “we’ll be rid of it all!”
He heaved up the stash looking downwards below, ready to throw it into Crocodile Isle’s volcano.
“Oh, those Kongs!” K. Rool hacked, “how they’re ignorant and dumb! I can’t wait for them to realize Christmas won’t come!”
“They’ll be waking up soon, I know just what they’ll do! They’ll be hit with shock in a moment or two,”
“...then they’ll cry out in agony ‘Oh, boo-hoo!’ And finally, my dreams at last will come true!”
K. Rool held up his reptilian ear. “Now THIS is a sound I’ve been dying to hear!”
But to his surprise, a song was starting to flow. And with each passing minute, it started to grow!
Every Kong in the Bongo, the tall and the small, were celebrating! With no presents to play with at all!
K. Rool tried to stop Christmas, but yet it still came! His evil plan failed, which had him languish in shame.
“I stole all their barrels! I stole picture frames! I stole all their instruments and video games!”
K. Rool puzzled and puzzled ‘til his puzzler was sore. “Hoarding all these gifts isn’t fun anymore.”
He, Klump and Krusha went back down the mount, ending up at the Kong town returning their bount.
“This is NOT an act of kindness,” that old K. Rool hissed, “for your lack of anguish has gotten me pissed.”
“But still, I will find a way to ruin this whole thing! Donkey Kong! Prove your worth and face me in the ring!”
Donkey Kong went up to K. Rool a bit miffed. Lizard Lips was back, and failed to steal every gift?
He hurled up a punch into K. Rool’s paunchy belly, causing it to ripple like a golden glob of jelly.
Then off to the sky that old Kremling did rocket, heading for the tipsy-top of Mount Krockit.
Klump and Krusha decided to take a vacation. Their first Christmas filled them with elation!
And as Donkey Kong observed as K. Rool took flight, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”