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***
Personal log, Captain Will Riker, Stardate…
… Regardless of how he entered this world, Thaddeus continues to be a source of joy for both of us, his mother and myself. To my immense relief, Deanna has not only made a full recovery but has also finally accepted that she doesn't have to do everything herself. Since then, she has been doing much better emotionally, too. She is much more herself again – balanced, thoughtful, empathetic – and she masters her role as a mother with the same quiet but impressive confidence and certainty she brings to all aspects of her life.
As for myself, I wish I could say the same...
***
Captain Will Riker is focused on his wife’s voice, listening closely to her report, spoken softly, thoughtfully.
“…everything happened so fast. As soon as Doctor Talov removed the neurotransmitter-device, my labor increased much more rapidly than we expected. The pain hit me badly, the contractions wouldn’t stop and I just couldn’t cope. After a few minutes I couldn’t walk anymore, couldn’t stand either, so the nurses needed to hold me, then helped me lie down. I completely lost control over my body, and my mind. I remember I could hardly move, and I suddenly was so cold. Like, really cold. And when I realized it was because my baby’s mind was slipping away from me, I didn’t feel anything anymore. Only this existential panic crushing down on me. There was nothing I could do to withstand it.”
A tear runs down Deanna’s cheek, but he notices the tremor in her voice is only very light. Not nearly as audible as it had been when she told this story for the first time.
Of course, she has told it many times by now.
Almost instinctively, Will reaches for her hand, and she turns her head to look at him, tenderly, before addressing the person opposite them again as she continues.
“I felt certain that this was it. I looked at the doctor and asked him to make sure Thad would be alright. And then everything went just dark.”
For a moment, the room is completely quiet. When she speaks, the counselor’s voice is measured and calm.
“What do you feel now, Deanna, when you think of that moment?”
She takes a breath.
“I feel grateful. Grateful that we both made it, that we are healthy and together. And I feel sorry for myself. For how things went. So different from what I hoped it would be like. I am still mourning everything I’ve missed, especially these first moments with my son. But I know it’s okay. Both can be true, the regret and the happiness.”
“When you first came here, you also talked about guilt, about shame,” the counselor reminds her after a little pause. “About how you felt you let your son down. How you felt your body and your mind betrayed you, and that you somehow needed to make up for that now.”
Deanna presses Will’s hand a little firmer.
“Actually, that’s gotten much better lately. Will arranged for some help to take care of Thad and that’s working amazingly well for us. We didn’t even need to wake him today, to come here, but simply left him with Alyssa. She’s so great with him, and she helped me a lot already.”
Her tone is relaxed and yet vibrant. A hundred percent Deanna, he thinks with relief, while she goes on with a smile on her lips, happily talking about her current state of life.
“Thad now sleeps better at night, which means I sleep better, too. I came up with some new meditation routines that seem more doable for me right now. I’m better able to focus again and handle the empathic fog that comes with breastfeeding. And am absolutely thrilled at the prospect of going back to work for a few hours soon, using my brain properly.”
“If the doctor clears you,” Will interjects quietly but sternly.
“Only if I get cleared, of course, Captain,” she echoes in her best dutiful officer voice, casting him a sparkling grin that he meets with a grumpy expression. The next second though, they both break character, as they cannot hold their amusement in any longer, but just grin at each other.
The counselor simply makes a note on her PADD, while she waits for them to turn their attention back to their conversation.
“I’m very glad to hear that, Deanna,” she then says. “I think it sounds as if you are on a very good way.”
“I think so, too,” she confirms not without pride.
Unsurprisingly for Will, the counselor turns to him now.
“And how are you feeling, hearing all this?”
Will clears his throat, speaks carefully, his answer already prepared.
“I feel humble.”
He can sense a little irritated twitch inside Deanna but tries to ignore it.
“Anything else?” the counselor pokes kindly.
“I am still occasionally a bit tense,” he finally admits. “Maybe it’s because I’m a little overbearing currently, when it comes to my family.”
Deanna looks at him with a raised brow, though her mocking remark is only audible in his head.
A little?
Instead of replying directly to her, he says out loud to the counselor,
“But since it’s just been a few weeks, I think that is appropriate. Especially considering everything that happened.”
Only now he turns to Deanna, again.
“Besides, we are still adjusting to parenthood. That is a process that takes time, right, Honey?”
Deanna holds his gaze, unimpressed.
Don’t be so smug, Will. I’m the one who taught you that language.
Now he can’t help teasing her quietly, after all.
Then you should be proud of me.
They only stop looking at each other when the counselor clears her throat demonstratively.
“You are absolutely correct, sir,” she agrees but there is an undertone in her voice he doesn’t like at all. “It does require time, and work. And to help you with that I have a new task for you two until our next meeting.”
Solemnly, she hands both of them a PADD.
“Here are your official emergency documents which Starfleet has stored in case of your premature death in the line of duty. I saw that you both last recorded your final messages two years ago. I want you to update them.”
Will frowns, baffled.
“Excuse me?”
“It’s standard protocol to do this once a year, so I’d say it’s about time,” the counselor argues, not at all surprised by his reaction. “But actually, this is not why I want you to do this.”
She leans forward, focuses on them both.
“Look, you went through a life altering event. And to be able to not let the fear you experienced guide your future, it can be very helpful to confront yourself, in private, with the reality of your own mortality for a moment. To think of what you want to leave behind from yourself to your loved ones. So that you feel more in control of something we all ultimately have no control about.”
She makes a short pause, before adding,
“It might help you to truly let go of the past and move on into your future together with a stronger sense of yourself again.”
Will opens his mouth, is about to say something, when Deanna says with a determination that closes all discussions, “I think this is an excellent idea. Thank you, Em. We are going to do that.”
“Great,” the counselor smiles contentedly. “I’ll see you next week then.”
Deanna gets up immediately, and Will follows her silently.
As they leave the counselor’s office she reaches for his arm, while they venture down the hall towards the turbolift.
“Are you directly going to the bridge?” Deanna murmurs while they both nod over to a crewman passing by.
“I was planning to,” he confirms.
Officially, it’s still time until the beginning of his shift, but of course that is more of a theoretical time frame. There is always something for him to do. And the earlier he gets started, the better the chances he can be home with her and Thad at a reasonable hour.
Still, he asks her, “Is that okay with you?”
“Of course. We can update our documents together tonight.”
He sighs, slightly tortured. “Yeah, can’t wait.”
“Will,” she admonishes him softly.
“I know, I know, it’s protocol,” he grumbles. “It’s just, I’d much rather spend my spare time cuddling with you and Thad instead of thinking about what message to leave behind in case I died tomorrow.”
Deanna turns to him as they stop at the turbolift. The expression in her eyes is gentle, as is her voice.
“I know, Imzadi. Me too.”
Lovingly, she smiles at him. But something inside Will freezes, and he doesn’t react at all.
These words. That tone. The look. All of it exactly as it had been back then. The last thing she said to him before he left her. As her labor wasn’t progressing and the doctor asked him to step out of sickbay for a while.
And almost it became the last thing she ever said to him.
Suddenly he has a hard time breathing.
“Will?” Deanna frowns, irritated, noticing his distress.
However, the next second the doors to the lift open, interrupting them. Almost automatically, Will snaps back into the present when the ensigns in the lift greet them both. Quickly, he replies while making a gallant gesture for Deanna to enter the lift before himself.
“Thank you, Captain,” she says gracefully.
Her expression is composed, but he can sense his reaction from before still troubles her. Thankfully, the ensigns distract her immediately, asking about Thad. As she answers, Will consciously forces himself to soak all of it in. The sound of her voice, the light in her eyes, the love and warmth she radiates as she raves about their son.
Doing what he has been doing for weeks. Focusing only on the now.
Because the very last thing he wants is to think about is how close he came to losing them both for good.
***
When Will enters the captain’s ready room, Christine Vale looks up from the desk, frowning.
“Sir?”
“Am I disturbing you, Commander?” he teases.
“Ah, no, of course not. Sorry,” she replies, jumping up quickly. “I just didn’t expect you here already…”
“It’s okay, Chris,” he waves her concerns away with a wink while walking over. “I’m happy you feel so at home here. Just don’t get too comfortable.”
“Of course, sir,” she replies formally, as he sits down in his chair. For a second he’s distracted, as he looks at the PADD in his hand. Determined to push the thought of what it contains away, he lets it vanish in a drawer at his side where he keeps personal items.
“How was the counseling session?” Christine asks.
When he gazes at her rather astonished, her cheeks blush a little.
“I noticed the appointment in your schedule,” she explains.
“Right,” he sighs, trying to shake off his irritation.
He knows it’s not her fault; she’s simply doing her job. When he was first officer, he made it his business to know what the captain was doing at any given time. He’s just so fed up with the fact that his every move is being shadowed. In that regard, being XO had been much easier.
“Are you all right, sir?” Chris inquires, and he can hear the worried undertone in her voice.
He’s not surprised about it. She’s always been much more perceptive than most, and he also understands she cares. But he’s absolutely not in the mood.
“As you are well aware, Commander, I just was in counseling.”
His tone is stern, adamant.
“With two counselors present, I might add. So, why don’t you and I focus on the Titan, for a change, now?”
Christine Vale doesn’t even flinch, but replies with unwavering professionalism.
“Aye, sir,” she confirms, and is already getting started. “I was just in the middle of adjusting the mission schedule to the new intel we received this morning and…”
But as she goes on briefing him, Will realizes he can hardly follow her.
“I’m sorry, Commander,” he suddenly interrupts her, and she halts immediately.
“Yes?”
“Can you handle this yourself, maybe, Chris?” he then asks. “I just realized there’s still something else I need to do privately.”
If she’s surprised, she doesn’t show.
“Uh, of course,” she just nods firmly. “Consider it done.”
He didn’t expect anything else.
“I’ll be on the bridge if you need me,” she adds.
“Great. I’ll be out as soon as I’m done here to relieve you then.”
“Sure,” she confirms, but casts him a weary look before turning to leave him alone.
Only when the doors close behind her Will pulls the PADD out of the drawer again and just stares at it for a moment.
They said they’d do this together, but it’s probably better to just get it out of his system.
Maybe he should check his old recording first. He remembers taping it on one of his first days as captain. He shakes his head as he thinks back. It’s only been two years and yet he can’t help thinking how long ago it feels. How much has happened. How much has changed in his life.
The counselor was right. He is not the man he used to be, the man that recorded that message. Back then, he only had started to grasp what it meant to be a captain and a husband. Not to mention he’s a father now, too. It’s really time he makes a new one.
He prepares the recording mode, almost without thinking. After all, he has done this a few times in his life by now. He knows about its meaning.
Coming to terms with one’s own mortality, had been the counselor’s words. A nice way of saying that one must accept the fact that one day, one may not return from a mission. That even the best prepared crew can run into a no-win scenario. A truth that all aspiring Starfleet officers are taught already at the academy. Preparing a recording that will hopefully never be used is part of that.
However, he has learned something else over the course of his career. These messages are incredibly important for the bereaved if the unimaginable should happen after all. In such a case, every word will be remembered forever.
For the sake of his family, it is therefore his responsibility to get this right.
He closes his eyes for a second, takes a deep breath, then activates the device.
“Imzadi.” He smiles. “This message is for you in case…”
But then he stops.
He should address them both, shouldn’t he? Or should he do one for Deanna and a separate one for Thad?
Will stops the recording, leans back in his chair, wondering about how to approach this.
Suddenly, his mind wanders off, and he thinks of Jack Crusher. He left a video message for his son to look at when he was older. Should he maybe do that too? Record several messages for Thad, just in case he isn’t there when he reaches a certain point in life?
Will stares at the screen.
But for which ages? And what is he supposed to say?
After all, he’s just been a father for a few weeks. And although he had sworn to himself to do this right, he feels he is already failing spectacularly in almost every way that matters.
Just as he’s failing this simplest of tasks, he can’t help thinking.
Slowly, Will gets up from his chair, walks over to the window, looking outside into space, at the stars passing by.
He had wanted so badly to become a father. They had already given up hope that it would happen, when it finally did. The day they found out about Thad was definitely one of the best days of his life, even though the circumstances at the time were far from ideal.
The pregnancy had not been without challenges, mostly for Deanna, of course, but all in all it had been a time of incredible bliss for them both. And the happiest times had been when he caught a quiet moment with his wife, holding her in his arms, his hands on her belly, feeling their son moving inside her. Then he had been thinking of all the things he wanted to do, to be – for Thad, for Deanna. For his family.
He couldn’t wait for the birth of their son to finally arrive. But when it did, it turned out completely different from how he imagined it would be.
It had been the scariest thing that ever happened to him in his entire life.
Deanna and Thaddeus almost died.
And he hadn’t even been there with them.
Deanna had given him everything – and he had failed her when she needed him most. Not to mention, he had failed his son, too – before he was even born.
Ever since, he had done everything in his power to make sure they were alright. That Deanna got everything she needed to recover, to come to terms with the circumstances of their son’s birth. That Thad was safe and well cared for.
To be the best husband and father for them.
Although he can’t shake the feeling it’s too little. Too late.
Will sighs again and turns to the door to the bridge with a heavy heart, realizing there’s no way for him to do the recording right now. But at least, there’s still one thing he knows he’s actually good at.
Decidedly, he tucks down his uniform, puts on his best poker face.
Time to return to duty.
***
As Will walks down the hall towards his family’s quarters, something inside him stiffens.
All day he tried not to think about the PADD in the drawer of his desk. When he finally could end his shift, he left it there on purpose.
It’s too late for this today anyhow. The only thing he wants tonight is to be with his family.
Deanna lies on the couch when he enters, reading, with Thad placed on her upper body, sleeping peacefully.
“Hey,” his voice is quiet as he steps closer. “Sorry, it’s gotten so late, but I was stuck in a call with command.”
“It’s fine,” she assures him.
“Shall I bring you something to eat?”
“Actually, I already had dinner with Chris. She came over after her shift, replicated a meal for us two; we ate, talked and she even cleaned up afterwards.”
“Really?” he replies casually. “Sounds nice.”
“It was,” Deanna confirms, then tilts her head, asking, “You didn’t have anything to do with that, by any chance, do you?”
He smirks apologetically.
“I might have mentioned you sometimes forget to eat if there’s no one there to remind you,” he admits. “Plus, I thought you both might benefit from it. I’m afraid I’ve asked a lot of her, lately.”
“Well, we had a lovely time,” she says. “Thank you, Will.”
“You’re welcome.”
With this, Will bends down, kisses her forehead before taking another close look at his son. His eyes are closed, his cheek resting on her skin, his little fingers relaxed, buried in her hair. It’s the most precious sight.
Suddenly, he feels his chest tightening again.
“You want to take over?” she whispers.
“I don’t know. He looks pretty content,” he says, then turns to her again. “And I don’t blame him.”
Deanna beams gently.
“Don’t worry, he’ll be just as content with you,” she then argues. “Plus, I’d actually like to take a shower, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course.”
Without any ado, Will settles down next to her, as closely as possible, adjusts his position slightly, before Deanna turns and gently lets Thad slide over onto his chest, protecting his head as she does, then helps him arrange the infant properly.
Will kisses Thad’s head, inhales the scent of him. And stiffens again.
This is so awkward.
The whole day he wanted to be here, to be with his son and wife. But now that he is, his heart is pounding and his whole body is tense. Being in their presence is almost suffocating.
“Are you okay?”
Deanna’s voice is worried.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” he returns, a little unnerved, only to quickly change track next. “You should go. Take your shower, Imzadi.”
But Deanna doesn’t move; rather, she studies him carefully from the side, while he keeps all his attention firmly directed at Thad.
“Do you really think I don’t realize what’s going on?” she finally asks.
“I was hoping so, at least,” he admits, and Deanna chuckles about this for a moment. Then she simply cuddles closer against him.
“I love you, Will.”
Her head sinks onto his shoulder.
“It pains me to see how hard you are on yourself.”
“Isn’t that my text?” he teases quietly.
“Exactly,” she returns. “You saw how much I pushed myself these last weeks. You helped me take a step back. Slow down. See the big picture again. You saved me from myself, made me realize it’s okay to need help. So why don’t you let me help you, now?”
Softly her fingers stray over their son’s head.
“Look at him,” she then whispers.
“He’s perfect,” he declares in awe.
“He is,” she confirms, then lifts her head to look at him. “And he’s fine.”
Their eyes meet, and her next words, spoken slowly and pointedly, hit him right in the chest.
“Thad is fine, Will. I am fine. We made it, and actually, we are doing great. You can finally let go now.”
The way she looks at him is full of compassion, full of understanding. Will swallows hard, shaking his head helplessly, but manages to hold her gaze.
His voice is low.
“I can’t stop thinking of everything I should’ve done differently back then. The day he was born. I made all the wrong decisions.”
She disagrees gently.
“None of what happened was your fault.”
“I should’ve left earlier. My presence was distracting people. They were afraid of angering the captain, instead of focusing on you.”
“You wanted to be with me. To be with our son when he was born.”
“When Talov told me to leave, I could’ve stayed closer to sickbay instead of going to the bridge.”
“You had no way of knowing things would happen that fast,” she reminds him.
“And you couldn’t have done anything for me and Thad had you stayed, anyhow. You know that’s true. But you could do something for us, for all of us, being on the bridge. That’s why you went there.”
“Yeah, because that’s the only thing I’m good at,” he says gravely. “The only thing I know how to do. My duty. Being in command on a bridge. Being captain.”
He looks at his son, before managing to face her again.
“But if I wasn’t the captain, Talov might’ve thrown me out much earlier.”
“That’s not true.”
She smiles softly.
“Talov is not afraid of you, Will. That’s exactly why you took him on as CMO. If he thought it necessary, he would have made you leave earlier. But it wasn’t. And either way, it wouldn’t have changed anything.”
Her expression turns more serious, and her voice is as sure as it gets.
“None of us did anything wrong.”
“It was so close…”
“Yes, it was close. Yes, it was scary.” Deanna smiles. “But we are here. All three of us. And we are fine.”
She leans her head against his and suddenly he senses how her conscious mind gently, tenderly, touches his. He longs so much for this, for her presence inside himself, and yet it’s too much, too close, too precious. Will shuts his eyes, almost overwhelmed by his rising fears.
Her voice is as soft as summer rain, though, while her fingertips stroke his cheek.
We are fine, Imzadi.
When they called for me, when I was hurrying down, I thought I’d lost you. Both of you.
I know.
I’m so afraid of making another mistake like that.
I know.
I know I need to do this right. I just don’t know how.
Yes, you do. You are already doing everything right, Will. Just by being you. That is all we need. Thad and I need only you. You and your love.
He can feel how she moves up a bit, pushes closer until her lips meet his.
They are soft and warm, and their touch is so incredibly soothing, he can hardly believe it. It’s like a well of joy and peace, simply spreading over into him.
Incomparably beautiful.
Deanna.
When she leans back again, Will slowly, carefully opens his eyes, only to look at the tender expression on her face.
“There you are,” she whispers with the gentlest smile.
“Apparently,” he murmurs, and as he exhales he realizes how much lighter he actually feels.
Deanna kisses him again softly, before stroking his face with the back of her fingers. Her dark eyes shimmering, mesmerizing him.
“You know, we could put him down in the crib and just take a moment for the two of us,” she suggests quietly.
“Didn’t you say you wanted to take a shower?” he teases.
“Are you saying I smell bad?” she returns with a slightly indignant expression, and he is quick to course correct.
“On the contrary, you smell amazing,” he assures her with his best seductive grin. “Absolutely delicious, Imzadi.”
“Sure,” she chuckles.
Then, after scrutinizing him one last time, she gets up, assuring him, “I won’t need long.”
“Take your time,” he replies, gazes happily from her to Thad. “We’re fine.”
Deanna beams at him.
“Yes, we are.”
She leans in and kisses him again, fierce and longing, utterly certain – and this time, he meets her without hesitation.