Chapter Text
Of course he wouldn’t believe what was in front of his eyes. Obviously his eyes were lying to him. He was in a big metal room. A metal room with crates. Lots of crates. He didn’t know how long he had been there, or where here was, but he knew the sound of the click behind his head, threatening his brains.
“Who are you, and why are you on my goramn ship?”
Stiles suddenly had a burst of clarity, “Serenity!”
Stiles passed out, but somehow he was alright with that.
When he finally same to, he was in a very sterile room, but his hands were cuffed to the table. “Oh good, my patient is awake. Hi, I’m…”
Stiles cut him off, “Simon Tam. You are the doctor, your sister is River Tam, the girl with the biggest secrets stuck in her head. And you like Kaylee...”
Over Simon’s shoulder, a gruff voice sounded, “Great, another goram reader, just with this ship needs.”
Stiles smiled, “Hero of Campton, cowardly lion and brave mouse. Jayne Cobb, you were always my favorite. Do you still wear your mother’s hat?”
He heard a girlish giggle, and decided to look behind him, “Hi Stiles,” she said.
“Hi River, how are you? And if you are here, who is flying the ship.”
River frowned, “I won’t let that happen, Wash is flying the ship.”
Stiles frowned too, “Ok.”
River looked at him again, “You know too much, you know more than me. You change everything. Everything changes. And you’re to blame. You and your dirty magic. You mess up my math, but you made it all better. I want to be mad at you. So if I can’t be mad at you, I’ll be angry with something else, like your stupid shirt. I hate your shirt.”
Simon struggled to calm his sister, but she was suddenly taking a knife to Stile’s favorite shirt. His favorite flannel. “River, no. stop.” Of course her brother was trying to calm her down.
Stiles looked at them, feeling oddly calm and at peace, “It’s ok, Doctor, I’ll be ok, this is all a strange dream.”
Just then, Malcolm Reynolds arrived, followed closely by Zoë and Wash. “Good, so, do you want to explain to me how you got on my ship, when we haven’t picked up cargo in a week? Where were you stowed away son?”
Stiles looked at them, confused and elated, none of his dreams were ever this cool. “I didn’t stow away, I’m dreaming that I’m here.”
He felt a small pinch, and a bit of the pain that he usually expected when someone pinched him. “See, Stiles, you aren’t asleep, it’s your stupid illogical and wrong magic, you messed up the universe, you punched a hole in it and you landed in the ship, and now you’re going to try to make it all different, but you can’t. not really. You’ll just get more people killed. Don’t do anything. Go back to where you came from.”
Stiles sighed, “Did Early come yet?”
Simon looked at him, wary, “are you a bounty hunter?”
Stiles shook his head, “not much of a bounty hunter, I usually run with the hunted, but if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. Werewolves are real where I come from.”
River tutted, “If you were a werewolf, at least you’d be useful, what can you do here? With your filthy out of place tricks?”
Simon admonished River again, trying to calm her, trying to make sense of what she was saying. She was speaking clear as day to stiles, but that’s because Stiles came from another universe apparently. And only River knew.
Zoë spoke up, “Captian, permission to offer a suggestion.”
Mal looked over at Zoë, she looked emotionless, but Stiles knew better, had seen her break down, and had seen her come through with flying colors. He never wanted to see the beautiful dress she had worn, the only time he had ever seen her in a dress. Possibly the only dress she would ever wear. “Permisson granted.”
Zoë was silent for a tick, “I say we lock him in the air lock and let him out wherever he is.”
The captain looked sternly at Stiles, “I reckon that would do.”
Stiles was manhandled and pulled and tugged to his feet, feeling slightly disturbed but that’s to be expected. This was a strange dream a very strange dream…
River decided to speak up, “He knows everything about us, and our future, and he knows how to keep Inara here.”
The captain stopped midstride, “He doesn’t know anything.”
Stiles decided to open his mouth again, it seemed like a good idea, “You love each other, but you won’t admit it.”
Jayne spoke again, “Reader. I’m with Zoë on this one, throw him off sooner than later, he’ll be nothing but more trouble.”
Mal hesitated, “I reckon that if what the kid says is true,” he said, “Then he’s really out of his depth here.”
River looked at Stiles, confusion flitted on her face, “You’ve seen me naked!”
Stiles tried not to think about it, but it was too late, the scene in his mind played out, the numerous times he had watched the pilot episode, the number of times he had thought that River Tam was beautiful. “You saw me naked and you did dirty things!”
Stiles was mortified, he had been a teenager, a younger teenager, back then.
“Take him to Book, make him a monk!” River yelled.
Mal looked at Stiles, and Stiles looked at anything but the ground, technically he had seen everyone on this ship in some state of undress… especially the women, and Wash at one point, but that wasn’t really Wash. That was funny… but none of them needed to know that.
Of course, River had to make it all worse, “He even saw Jayne Kiss another man!”
Stiles knew what was going to happen before anyone else did, “Oh hell now,” and for the second time in an unknowable part of space far away from the fictitious planet in a fictitious universe, he passed out. He really hated getting punched out.
River just smiled, peacefully, “That’ll teach you to know more than me. (Untranslatable Mandarin swear words here)”
“RIVER!”